


Through Chaos As It Swirls

by HeartofGlassMindofStone



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Multi, Protective Bellamy Blake, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking, there’s some fluff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2020-12-28 11:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 55
Words: 192,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21135974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartofGlassMindofStone/pseuds/HeartofGlassMindofStone
Summary: He walked towards her and she shook her head. “Don’t.” She warned. “Just stay away.”It took everything in him to listen, pausing before he reached her. He didn’t know his heart could hurt so much for another person until he looked at her, falling apart on the ground.This fic will deal with tough subjects and may not always be easy to read for some. Clarke’s parents are abusive and we delve into drinking/drug problems, as well as self harm- the later being the largest problem. That being said, it’s really a beautiful relationship between two people who need each other and I hope you guys enjoy!





	1. ~ Lapse Of Judgement ~

She hit the ‘Off’ button on her phone as the alarm went off. Her head pounded and she felt nauseous.

Not moving for a minute, she willed herself not to throw up. She’d gotten drunk... again. She shoved the pillow over her head, hearing her mother downstairs laughing on the phone with someone.

She was graduating this year, and after that... well, after that she didn’t know.

Last night, her mother had given her an ultimatum- ultimately disappointed in her final decision. If she didn’t go to college, didn’t want to go to med school, she had to leave the house.

Her own mother kicking her out. Her father had left town, thank god. But she just couldn’t find the drive to go to college. What for? She didn’t have anything she longed to do besides her art and singing. And she knew neither would get her anywhere.

Her mother had gotten even worse after her father left. _Making up for him,_ she supposed.

She jumped as someone moved next to her... Lexa. She’d forgotten about her.

“Shit.” She muttered, quietly.

She wasn’t supposed to sleep with her again. She’d promised Octavia. It wasn’t doing her mental state any good. Especially after she’d slept with Finn.

_But,_ she supposed, at least it _wasn't _Finn.

Her mom would be pissed if she saw her here though. That was one of the reasons they’d drifted apart, started arguing more and more. Her sexuality bothered her mother to an extreme. Clarke couldn’t understand it and didn’t really care to.

“Hey,” Clarke shook her shoulder. “You’ve gotta get up.”

Lexa stirred and blinked her eyes open. “Mmm... you’re a morning sex kinda girl? I can work with that.”

Clarke tried not to roll her eyes. “No, you have to go. Quietly.”

“Oh, what?” Lexa asked, suddenly annoyed. “Afraid your mom is gonna freak?”

“She would.” Clarke clarified. “But that doesn’t matter. You need to go. This was a mistake.”

Lexa eyes flashed with hurt and Clarke sighed.

“I’m...” Clarke took another deep breath. “I’m sorry, okay? But I need you to leave without her seeing.”

Lexa mouth pressed into a thin line before she finally nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

She sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

She watched as Lexa gathered her clothes and slipped out the window, easily climbing to the ground.

After a few minutes, she got dressed herself, hoping by the time she had to leave for school that her mother would be gone - no such luck, as it turned out.

She grimaced as she came down the stairs and found her in the kitchen.

Her mom barely glanced her way. Fine by her.

She was about to slip out the door when she heard her mom’s voice. “Did you have time to think about your choice last night? Or were you too busy with your girlfriend?”

Clarke winced inwardly at the harshness of her voice, but cleared her face and turned around. “First of all, she’s not my girlfriend.”

“So you’re just whoring around then?”

Clarke flinched. That was... _harsh._

“No.” She answered annoyed. “And yes, I have thought about it... I’m not going to college.”

Her mother’s face stayed hard. “So you’ll be out the weekend after next then.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

As much as Clarke wanted to be out of this house... away from memories that she didn’t _want_ to remember... it hurt.

Her mother wanted her gone. She wouldn’t support her, wouldn’t even help her. Wasn’t that what mothers were supposed to do?

“I’ll be out. Don’t worry. This isn’t a place I wanna stay.” She snapped.

And with that she was gone.

She walked to school, despite the cold. She’d missed the bus and wasn’t about to ask for a ride from her mom.

She pulled her jacket tighter around her and tried to bury her face further into her scarf.

She jumped as a horn sounded behind her. She turned to see Bellamy’s truck rolling up next to her. She’d known the Blake’s for almost two years now. She had become fast friends with them both since they’d moved here and now didn’t want to picture life without them. 

She waved, expecting them to keep driving past, but the truck rolled next to her.

“Hey, you alright?” Bellamy asked her.

She smiled and nodded. “I’m good. I just missed the bus.”

“Well get in!” Octavia yelled from across the seat. “It’s freezing out there.”

She stopped walking and turned to the truck and the brakes squeaked as Bellamy pulled it to a stop.

She looked at them for a second. “You sure?”

Bellamy jerked his head towards the middle seat. “Come on.”

He put the truck in park and got out so she could climb in.

He grabbed her hand to help her up and she took it. The truck was slightly lifted and there was no step bar, so it was a jump up.

“Thanks.” She told them both.

Heat was radiating off of him and Clarke scooted closer, reveling in his warmth.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked her, sounding genuinely concerned.

Octavia rolled her eyes. “She’s fine. Stop being such a mother hen.”

Octavia then took a moment to actually look at Clarke. “You are fine? Right?”

She knew she looked a little rough, but nodded a bit. “I was given a choice last night by my mom.”

Octavia looked at her expectedly. “And?”

“And she told me that if I didn’t go to college, if I didn’t want to go to med school, she’d kick me out. I’d no longer be welcome at her house.”

“What the fuck?” Bellamy muttered quietly. 

Octavia’s eyes widened. “Oh my god. So what are you gonna do?”

“I’m not going to college. Other than that... I’m not sure.” She shrugged. “Tent City?” She joked half heartedly.

“Seriously, Clarke.” Octavia said.

She sighed. “See if I can maybe find a roommate. Somewhere with cheap rent. I’ll find a job and figure it out from there, I guess.”

Bellamy stayed quiet, but his brows were furrowed and his grip was tight on the wheel.

Octavia grabbed her hand and squeezed. “I know that sucks. But you _want _to get out of there, right?”

She shrugged a little. “I’ve wanted to get out for years. It doesn’t really feel like a home anymore. Not when no one wants you there.”

She sounded resigned, and honestly it made Bellamy a little angry. Not at her, but at her mother. At her asshole dad who had up and left her with said mother, without a word. He knew how that was. His own dad left when he was too young to even remember.

He pulled up to the school, keeping his mouth shut.

Octavia jumped out, but Clarke turned to him. “Hey, thanks.”

He nodded and gave her a small smile.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

He looked surprised. Was _he_ okay? She was the one being kicked out by her own mother.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m...”

_You’re what, Bellamy? Spit it out._ He thought.

“I’m sorry. About your mom.” He finally said.

“Thanks.” She smiled gratefully and hopped out to follow Octavia.

He sat there a moment longer, watching them both walk into the school. He bit the inside of his lip, deep in thought.  


Was she going to be homeless? Was she going to have some creep for a roommate if not? What if she didn’t find a job?

He shook his head clear. He knew it wasn’t his problem, _not technically._ But... he’d grown close to her without meaning to- without realizing it. He wasn’t sure what it was about her, but... he liked her. And he was worried about her.

•

“So,” Octavia said during lunch. “Where are you gonna look for a job?”

“I’m not sure.” Clarke said. “I haven’t... had a lot of time to think about it yet.”

She caught Lexa staring at her, meeting her eyes, but looking away quickly.

Octavia turned to see what she was looking at.

“Oh, you didn’t.” Octavia accused.

She gave an exasperated look when Clarke didn’t answer. “_Seriously_? I told you she’s no good for you.”

“I know.” Clarke admitted. “I... I fucked up, okay?”

Octavia was quiet for a second. “You’re getting worse, Clarke.” She said quietly.

Clarke looked confused at that. “What do you mean?”

Octavia sighed. “First Lexa, then Finn, now Lexa again and... and you’re hungover. _Again_...” She let that sink in for a second. “Clarke, I’m worried about you.”

Clarke just shrugged it off. “I’m fine.”

Octavia just stared.

“Really, I am.” She tried to convince her. “I just had a lapse of judgement. I’m okay.”

“Fine, just... maybe lay off on the drinks tonight, okay?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, but agreed. “I will.”

•

Bellamy watched as Octavia jumped in his truck, slamming the door shut. She didn’t say a word.

“Well hello to you too.” He said, sarcastically.

“I’m worried about Clarke.” She said, not looking at him.

He worked his jaw. He was worried too.

“She’s... she’s like- spiraling. All this shit with her dad. I thought it’d be better once he left since he-“ she cut her words off, thinking better of it.

Bellamy glanced away from the road to look at her. “Since he _what_?”

Octavia heard the slight tension in his voice. Yeah, definitely better if she kept that one to herself.

“I just thought it’d be better.” She said. “But it’s not. She’s drinking a lot. She’s... I don’t know. She’s just not herself.”

He worked his jaw, staying silent.

“And now her mom is kicking her out? What if- What if she ends up homeless, Bell? Or what if she really falls into the wrong crowd and turns to drugs instead of drinking?”

He tightened his grip on the steering wheel, growing tense.

Octavia realized what her words had done. “Hey, relax... she’s not mom.”

“But she could be.” He said tightly. “She could end up like her.”

Octavia swallowed. “I know you like her.”

He blinked, but didn’t say anything. His sister knew him. They’d all grown close during the two years they’d been there. She could tell his feelings for her were growing.

“I’m... I’m trying to keep her on the right path, Bell.”

He sighed, trying to release some tension from his body. “I know you are.” He said quietly.

She just looked at him for a minute. She knew he had something he wanted to say.

“What if...” he trailed off, backing out for a second, before deciding to finish. “What if she moved in with us?”

Octavia blinked. “Yeah?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I could get her a job at Polis, waitressing. And we have an extra room. It’s not like mom ever comes to use it.”

“She needs help, Bell. We’ll have to help her.”

“Then we will. We’ll figure it out. I just...” he shook his head. “I don’t know.”

And he really didn’t. He didn’t know what he wanted to say or how he _really_ felt. He just knew that he did care about her.

“I’ll ask her tonight.” Octavia said, reaching over to squeeze his arm.

He nodded and focused back on the road.

_ What was he getting himself into? _


	2. ~ Falling ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I say I’m going to update slower, I add two chapters in one day 😂 Just wanna put a little more story out there to draw you guys in.

Clarke was lying on her bed, trying to keep her promise not to drink to Octavia. She tried to keep her eyes from going to the bottle sitting on her dresser.

_Did she really have a problem?_ She wondered.

It only happened when she felt a little depressed. Or when she needed a little release. Did that equal addiction?

Her phone rang and she jumped.

Bellamy’s face popped up on her screen and she smiled, answering it. “Hey.”

“Hey,” his voice rumbled through the phone. “You wanna come over?”

“More than you know.” She said, seriously.

He chuckled and it made her smile again.

“Hey, why don’t you bring a bag? Just stay the night. I’m making dinner and we can just watch a movie or something.”

She smiled softly. She knew he was trying to let her escape her mom, and she was glad for it. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“I’ll be there in 10.” He told her, hanging up.

She quickly jumped up gathering her stuff for the night and ran downstairs to meet him.

“Where are you going?” Her mother asked, sharply.

“I’m going.” She answered. “_Where_ doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Not to you.”

Her mother seemed to think about it for a second. “You’re right.” She said.

“You know you’re a shit mother.” Clarke snapped, trying to keep her voice from quivering.

She didn’t wait for another remark, slamming the door shut. She tried to blink back her tears. Her own mother didn’t care.

Luckily Bellamy pulled up at that moment.

She jumped in the truck, placing her bag on the floor.

She tried to sniff quietly, to not tip off Bellamy that she was on the verge of crying, but it didn’t work.

“Hey, what’s wrong.” He turned to look at her.

“Nothing. I... my mom is just-“ she cut off, taking a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let him see her cry. Especially not over this. “She doesn’t care. So I don’t either.”

“It’s okay to care, you know.” He told her.

She looked up at him, biting her bottom lip.

“What she’s doing to you... it sucks. It’s okay to be upset about it.” His voice was gentle and it made her relax a little.

His voice- it always made her feel calmer.

She nodded at him and he turned to put the truck back in drive.

When they got to the house, he grabbed her bag for her and they headed inside.

Octavia was on the couch, curled in a blanket, watching tv. Clarke went straight to her, plopping her head on Octavia’s lap.

Bellamy shook his head, smiling. “What do you guys want for dinner?”

“Could you make that Chicken Alfredo you’re so good at?” Clarke asked, sitting up to bat her eyelashes at him.

Octavia nudged her head. “Ew, stop flirting.”

“_Ow!_” Clarke complained, but didn’t bother denying the flirting.

Bellamy chuckled and reached into the cabinet for a pot, as they turned their attention back to the tv.

It was an easy enough dinner, so it was done relatively quick. He’d brought them each a plate and they both sat up to eat.

Once they were done, they all headed to the kitchen to help clean up.

He wished Octavia would just ask her already. It was driving him nuts.

“Are you guys going anywhere fun for Christmas?” Clarke asked.

“No where to go but here.” Octavia said. “Ooh, we should all go get a tree.”

“That’d be nice. Especially since I won’t be doing that with my own family this year.” She said, sounded more annoyed than sad. “Well,” She added. “Not that we would normally do that anyway.”

“Why don’t you move in here?” Bellamy blurted.

Clarke turned to him surprised, and Octavia looked at him from behind her.

_What the fuck?_ She mouthed at him, clearly annoyed. The plan was _not_ to spring it on her.

“What?” Clarke asked, like she didn’t hear.

He cleared his throat and calmed his voice down, then tried again. “You can move in here- if you want. We have the space. I can help you get a job. You won’t have to worry about a roommate or being... homeless.”

“You’re serious?” She seemed surprised. She turned to Octavia. “Really?” She sounded... hopeful.

Octavia smiled and nodded. “You’re our family now.”

He heard her let out a laugh and then she turned back to him, flinging her arms around his neck.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She said into his neck.

He caught his balance as she slammed into him, taken a bit by surprise, then wrapped his arms around her. “No problem. We’ll start getting all your stuff tomorrow.”

She released him and went to hug Octavia.

“You guys are the best.” She said.

“We know.” Octavia smiled.

“Why don’t you guys get changed into some comfy clothes for our movie night and I’ll make some hot chocolate?” Bellamy suggested.

They nodded and took off to the bedroom. They all stuffed together on the couch, under a blanket. Clarke had sipped her hot chocolate slowly and once it was gone, her eyes started to close. She snuggled down further into the blanket and leaned her head against Bellamy’s arm, her legs in Octavia’s lap.

She started snoring softly and he let out a small chuckle. She couldn’t be comfortable with her neck in the position it was though, so he carefully moved his arm and guided her head to his lap, managing to not wake her.

He just watched her face. The light from the tv dancing across it. He reached down and pushed her hair behind her ear, away from her face.

Octavia watched him, quietly. _He was falling for her._ She just hoped they could keep her on the right track. For both Clarke’s sake, _and_ for Bellamy’s.

“I’m gonna head to bed.” She said.

Bellamy jerked a little at her voice, seemingly pulled from whatever trance he was in.

“Yeah. Okay.” He said. “Night, O.”

She carefully slipped Clarke’s legs off of her lap and headed to her room.

Clarke shifted a little in her sleep, bringing her arm closer to her chest.

He frowned, seeing something as her long sleeve bunched up a little. He pushed it down a bit further, revealing her wrist, and his breath caught in his throat.

His heart started to beat harder in his chest. _She cut herself?_

There was what looked to be a pretty fresh cut and one that was already healing just under it.

He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath.

He didn’t know how he was going to help her, but he knew damn sure that he was going to. He pulled her sleeve back over her wrist and tried to calm down.

He eventually evened out his breaths and started running a hand through her hair. After a while his own eyes started to drift closed. He didn’t really want to move her. She looked comfortable and having her this close... it was nice.  


So, he carefully shifted where he was leaned a little further back on the couch and left his hand resting in her hair at the base of her neck, letting himself fall asleep to her soft snores.


	3. ~ I Can Take The Hit ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m ridiculous. I always tell myself to update slower and then end up ignoring myself.
> 
> It’s safe to say if you read the tags, it’s gonna be in the story, relatively consistently. So I won’t necessarily being putting in a trigger warning every time something is mentioned, because it is in most chapters.

She woke up, feeling warm. She was laying on something- rather _someone._

A moment of panic washed over her, thinking she’d made yet another mistake, before she realized it was Bellamy.

She relaxed her head back on to his lap and just let herself enjoy his warmth.

One of his arms was draped over her waist and the other was pulled under his own head. She turned her head so she could look at him, shifting her body, careful not to wake him.

She smiled softly watching him. He’d stayed out here with her all night when he easily could’ve moved to his own bed, where he’d be 100 times more comfortable.

_It should be weird._ She thought.

Octavia had become one of her best friends, but... so had Bellamy. She shouldn’t be attracted to her friends brother. Wasn’t that a rule or something? She couldn’t help it though. They’d become close. She hadn’t shared quite as much with him as she had with Octavia. Not certain things about her dad, but... he cared. She could tell.

She traced her fingers across his knuckles where his scars from fighting were. He’d told her he used to be a part of an underground fighting ring when he was younger. She didn’t have all the details, but looking at his scars, she knew it’d been brutal.

Apparently he’d been pretty damn good at it though. On top of the game until he moved out here.

Slowly, he started to wake up, his back popping as he rolled his shoulders back and stretched.

She smiled up at him. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He answered. His voice was husky from sleep. That, combined with his hand moving on her stomach, made her stomach flutter.

“You could’ve moved.” She told him without lifting her head from his lap. “It couldn’t have been comfy to sleep like that all night.”

He shrugged. “It’s alright. It was comfortableenough. Plus, you looked pretty tired and I didn’t wanna wake you up.”

She smiled at him, but it looked kind of sad. She wasn’t used to waking up this calmly- waking up to someone who seemed like they actually cared.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, still looking tired.

“I’m not really sure.” She admitted quietly. “A lot of things, I guess.”

He worked his jaw and nodded. He wanted to say something, but bit his tongue.

“I never really thought that I’d be so unwanted.” She whispered without really meaning to. “My dad, he... he never really wanted me either. At least not for what he should. And my mom... I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He sat up straighter and she followed suit, picking her head off his lap and sitting up.

“_Nothing_ is wrong with you.” He said, sounding very sure.

“That’s not true. You know it’s not.” She said quietly. “I know Octavia has told you about my... _issues_. She’s not wrong.” Her eyes filled with tears that she wouldn’t let fall. “I just don’t know how to stop myself.”

He took slow, deep breaths, but his heart was pounding. He was about to be extremely forward and he wasn’t sure how she’d react. “Is that why you cut yourself?”

Her eyes widened and her mouth opened, but no response came out at first. She pulled her sleeves down to her fingers, self consciously. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed.” He comforted softly. “I just... I just wanna know why you did it.”

She swallowed and would no longer meet his eyes. “I...” she took a shaky breath, looking at her lap. “I don’t know.” Her voice cracked. 

It was clear that she wasn’t going to give him a firm answer.

“Does Octavia know?”

She looked up startled. “No. Please, _please_ don’t tell her. She’s already really worried and I’m... I’m working on it.”

“How?” He asked, concern written all over his face.

“I...” she sighed. She didn’t really know. “I’m trying, Bellamy.”

His brows were furrowed hard. “I’m worried too, you know?”

Her heart skipped. “I know. I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“Could you maybe... find me? Next time you feel like cutting yourself.” He asked. “Just- find me first? Call me?”

Truthfully, he had no idea what the hell he’d do about it. He just knew he’d try to help her. He knew that he didn’t want her to hurt herself.

She swallowed hard and looked at her hands again. At first she didn’t answer, thinking for a long moment.

“I’ll try.” She finally said, looking at him.

It wasn’t the exact answer he wanted to hear, but it was better than a straight no.

They both jumped as the stairs creaked, Octavia making her way down the stairs. Her hair was messy and she rubbed sleep out of one of her eyes. “You guys sleep out here?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy answered simply. “Fell asleep.”

She made a grunting noise and went to the kitchen, pulling down a box of cereal.

“I guess I should go get my stuff today.” Clarke said standing.

“I’ll take you over and help.” Bellamy told her. “We’ll load up the back of the truck.”

“I wish I could help, but I made plans with Niylah. You guys think you can manage?” Octavia asked, shoving a spoonful of cereal in her mouth.

“We’ll be fine, O.” Clarke said. “Thanks.”

They ate a quick breakfast themselves, then headed to her moms.

When he parked out front, she hesitated to get out. She was hoping her mom would be working, or out somewhere, but her car was parked in the driveway.

“You want me to just go grab some stuff for the week?” Bellamy asked her. “We can come back when she’s not home and get the rest.”

She shook her head. “No, I wanna get it done. There’s no point in dragging it out.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Will you come in with me though?” She asked.

“Yeah. Come on.” He said, getting out.

He waited for her to walk ahead, so she could go in first.

“Nice of you to come home last night.” Her mom snapped when she walked through the door.

“This isn’t my home anymore.” Clarke said calmly. “You’ve made that perfectly clear.”

Her mom straightened as Bellamy walked in behind her.

“Mr. Blake.” She greeted.

He raised a hand in greeting. “Ms. Griffin. I’m just here to help Clarke with her stuff.”

Her mom scoffed, turning back to Clarke. “You’re seriously going to leave?”

“That’s what you told me to do.” Clarke said angrily. _“Remember?”_

“You can’t be serious, Clarke. You can’t just throw your entire life away!” Abbys voice was rising.

“I already told you. I’m not going.” She turned to walk up the stairs. “You can’t bully me into changing my mind.”

Abby laughed, incredulously. “Your father was right to leave. He knew what a failure you were.”

That made her pause. She blinked, tears forming in her eyes, trying to push them down.

“I don’t really care why he left.” Clarke spat. “I hope he never comes back.”

Bellamy felt extremely uncomfortable. He didn’t really know the ins and outs of how her father was, but clearly she wasn’t a fan.

“You watch your mouth.” Her mother said, stepping closer. 

She reached to grab Clarke’s arm and Clarke tried to side step, but she was against the wall, so her mother made contact, yanking down hard on her arm.

Clarke stumbled down a few stairs, but kept herself from falling.

“He left because of you. You know what you did. What you threatened.” Her mother spat.

“Let go of me.” Clarke said carefully. “He left because he knows he’s guilty. Now, hopefully he’s rotting in a ditch somewhere.”

Her mom lifted a hand to hit her, but Bellamy moved fast, squeezing in front of Clarke, his chest taking her hit. He was surprised at the force behind it. She had planned on hitting her hard.

“Hey!” He shouted, breaking Abby’s grip on Clarke’s wrist. “You don’t get to touch her.” He growled, bringing his voice lower.

“The hell I don’t! She’s my daughter!” Abby yelled in his face.

He ignored her, turning only his head to Clarke, so he could keep his body between them. “Just go grab anything important. We’ll buy you new stuff.”

She nodded and ran up the stairs. Abby went to follow, but Bellamy blocked the stairway with his body. He swallowed down his anger. She was lucky she was a woman, because if that had been her dad, he’d be out cold on the ground for that shit.

Abby was seething. “She’s not going with you.”

“Well she’s not staying here with you, so...”

“Clarke!” Abby screamed up the stairs.

He smiled smugly when Clarke didn’t answer.

A few minutes later, she came out with a bag stuffed as full as she could get it.

He used his body to push Abby out of the way so Clarke could get through.

“This is ridiculous, Clarke. You can’t leave. You’re ruining your life. My life! Even more than you already have.” She tried to dart around Bellamy and grab Clarke again.

He moved quickly in front of Clarke. “Let’s go.”

“You’re fucking worthless, you know that? You’re a disappointment.” Her mother said from behind Bellamy.

“So are you!” Clarke finally yelled at her. “You’re supposed to protect me, not hurt me!”

“What are you gonna do, Clarke? Keep being a whore? Be useless for the rest of your life?”

“Clarke, _go._” Bellamy said, trying to push her out the door. He couldn’t bare to listen to this shit anymore.

“_You_ did this to me.” Clarke said dangerously. “You let _him_ do this to me. You didn’t help me!”

“You’re delusional.” Her mother accused. “He never did anything that you didn’t deserve.”

“Clarke.” Bellamy said firmly, pushing her out the door. “_Get in the truck_.”

She didn’t seem done with her mother though, opening her mouth to yell again.

He grabbed her by the waist, hauling her out the door before she could get another word in. He slammed the door shut with his other hand and then put her down.

“Get in the truck.” His was firm, but not mean. “This shit isn’t doing anyone any good.”

She looked like she wanted to argue, but relented, stalking off to the truck.

He took a deep breath and followed her. He got in and sat for a moment. When he looked over at her, she was shaking from anger. He sighed and started the truck.

They drove home in complete silence. He had a lot to say, but he let her calm down- let _himself_ calm down too.

He saw her picking at the skin of her thumb, but didn’t say anything.

When he pulled onto the street that their house was on, he finally spoke. “Has she hit you before?” He asked roughly. “Is that, uh... a normal occurrence?”

She wasn’t so angry anymore. Instead she looked resigned. “It’s not so bad when she does it.”

He wanted to ask her what that meant, but he had a bad feeling that he knew.

“I’m sorry that she hit you.” Clarke looked over at him. “I- I didn’t mean to make you get in the middle of it.”

He laughed a little. “Clarke, I was a fighter in an illegal underground fighting ring. I can take a hit.”

She grinned and shrugged a little. “I’m also sorry that you had to hear that.” She looked back at her hands. “You didn’t sign up for the Jerry Springer show.”

“She shouldn’t talk to you like that.” He said.

She could tell he was angry. It wasn’t at her, but... he was angry.

They pulled into the driveway and he parked, turning to look at her. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She said, even though he knew she wasn’t.

“Listen,” he started. “I don’t know what your dad did.” He watched as she tensed. “But I do know you didn’t deserve it.” He told her softly.

She looked at him, her blue eyes pooling with tears. Finally, she gave him a small, sad smile and nodded.

“Can we just go inside and watch tv or something?” She asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.” He reached down to grab her bag for her and they headed in quickly, the cold wind whipping around them.

He took her bag to the extra room, then went to the kitchen to make them lunch while she sat on the couch.

He didn’t have much left in the kitchen. Mac and cheese would have to do.

He brought her a bowl and sat down next to her. Her hands were trembling, but he didn’t say anything about it.

She wanted a drink so bad. She wanted to cut. To feel something that would either make her forget or something that could give her something different to focus on.

There wasn’t really an escape to do that at the moment though. Bellamy would be suspicious if she decided she wanted to hole up in the bedroom.

He knew she was struggling, knew if he hadn’t been sitting with her, she’d either be knee deep in alcohol, or bleeding... or _both_.

“You know, when Octavia and I were little,” he started, trying to distract her. “Our mom would say some pretty nasty things. Not really to Octavia so much, but... it still hurt her. Best thing we ever did was leave and come to this place.”

Clarke listened, quietly.

“Especially after the drugs. She... now she’s even worse than she used to be.” He ended remorsefully.

Clarke thought about that for a second. “Do you still love her?”

That question took him by surprise. It wasn’t really one that he’d been expecting.

“Yeah.” He answered after thinking a moment. “She’s my mom... I’ll always love her, I think.”

“I don’t love mine.” She said tearfully. “She let-“ she cut off, angrily wiping a single tear that found its way out.

He really didn’t want to see her cry. He _probably_ didn’t want to hear what she wanted to tell him either, but at the same time, he wanted to hear everything about her.

He laid his hand on her thigh. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me, okay?”

She grabbed his hand tightly and sniffed. Reigning in her tears.

“I really wanna cut right now.” She admitted, looking right in his eyes. His breath hitched. Even though he already knew it, hearing it made his anxiety rise.

He could almost feel how much it hurt her.

“What about it helps?” He asked.

She blinked. “It- it lets me feel something else... something that’s not... emotional, I guess. Sometimes it just brings me back to the real world- out of my head.”

He nodded, not really sure how to respond.

“I wanna stop, Bell. I do.” She said, almost desperately.

“Does it usually happen after something like that?”

After things with her dad? After her and her mom starting fighting more... _yeah_, it happened after that.

“Yeah. For the most part.”

“Maybe... maybe it won’t be as bad then. Now that you’re out.” He hoped.

“I hope so.” She rasped.

Deep down she wasn’t sure about that.

Everything about her life was in shambles right now. Memories of her dad wouldn’t go away. She wouldn’t suddenly find the desire to go to college or become some book smart teenager, or have her mother become the actual mother she was supposed to be.

“C’mere.” He said lifting his arm, so she could lean into his chest.

She did so willingly. Letting herself relax into him. She felt herself calming down, focusing on the rise and fall of his chest. She felt warmth pool in the bottom of her stomach, trying to ignore it.

Eventually her eyes started to drift shut, feeling his calloused hands run up and down her arm. 

They were crossing a line. She knew it. He knew it. Neither one could seem to care though. She felt him shift lower onto the couch, keeping his arm around her and her tucked into his chest. She listened to the low drone of the tv playing some reality tv show and let herself fall asleep, feeling safer than she could remember in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the support, comments and kudos so far ❤️


	4. ~ No Good For You ~

“So how was your day with Niylah?” Clarke smiled knowingly at Octavia when she got back.

Octavia rolled her eyes. “How was your day with Bellamy?”

“Not so bad after we got out of my moms house.” Clarke said, still annoyed at the encounter.

“Yikes. So she wasn’t the ray of sunshine she normally is?” She asked sarcastically.

“Bellamy had to use his body as a _human shield_ so I could get down the stairs.”

“He likes you. You know that right?” Octavia eyed her.

“He’s just looking out for me.” Clarke said, brushing her comment off.

“Yeah, because he _likes_ you.”

Clarke wasn’t going to get her hopes up on something that could let her down. She couldn’t take that right now.

“Do you like him?” Octavia pressed.

Of course she fucking did. But there was a list of reasons as to why that was not a good idea.

“We’re friends Octavia. I don’t wanna mess that up.”

Octavia rolled her eyes again. “That was _so_ not an answer.”

“It’s the only one you’re getting.” She smiled.

•

Later that night she was laying in her new bed, in her new bedroom. Her mom was blowing up her phone. She’d called 11 times and when it was clear Clarke wasn’t going to answer, she sent a string of texts instead.

She finally shut off her phone and went to the kitchen. It was late, so she tip toed as quietly as she could. Bellamy had to keep some kind of alcohol around here.

No beer in the fridge. 

“Shit.” She scrummaged through the cabinets, finally finding what she was looking for.

Whiskey. Not her favorite thing to drink, but it’d get the job done.

She poured a glass with much more than she should have and sat at the kitchen island.

It was all too much. Her mom had been right. She was useless. Maybe she did deserve everything her dad had done to her. That’s why her mother never stopped him. _She deserved it_.

She closed her eyes tight, his face running through her mind. Visions of him slamming her onto the floor, grabbing her face harshly, before back handing her.

Her hands started to shake and she tipped the glass back, drinking it all in one go.

She really needed to calm the fuck down. She sat there a few minutes trying to, it just wasn’t working. She eyed the knives on the counter and swallowed.

“You’re fine.” She tried to tell herself out loud.

With shaking hands, she poured another glass, tipping it back again. 

“You know that shits no good for you, right?”

She jumped at Bellamy’s voice, quickly trying to blink back her tears.

“Well then it looks like I’ve found the perfect match. I’m no good either.” She downed the rest of the glass wincing as it burned her throat. “I’m no good for you.”

Bellamy frowned. She was already tipsy.

“I wish you wouldn’t say shit like that.” He said lowly, coming to sit across from her.

“And I wish my parents hadn’t hated me.” She said, trying to match his tone. “I wish my...” she took a deep, shaky breath. “I wish... I don’t know. That I was worth something?”

He reached over the counter and grabbed her hand, encasing it in his. “You _are_.”

God, he sounded like he really believed that. She just couldn’t see how he did. But having his hand over hers... it helped her calm down. It made her want to believe him.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” She said.

“I’m saying it, because it’s the truth... and _that_?” He pointed to the whiskey bottle. “That’s not going to make you feel better.”

He was right. It only made her more depressed. If she were at a party, it may have made her forget for a while, but here? Here- _alone_, it’d draw her deeper in to her spiral downwards.

“Not much makes me feel better, but... being around you, it helps.” She said quietly.

He wasn’t sure she would’ve admitted that if she’d been totally sober.

She felt his hand tighten on hers.

“I’m glad it does.” He said, but his face was scrunched up. He was worried.

“I didn’t cut...” she said quietly. “If that’s what you’re worried about.”

He sighed in relief and nodded, his body relaxing.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” She said. “And that I stole your whiskey.” She drug out.

He let out a light laugh. “It’s alright. I wasn’t sleeping. You shouldn’t steal the whiskey though. You can get me in a lot of trouble with that shit.”

She made a face of regret. He was right. She could get him in a lot of trouble. Probably for a lot of different things.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged a little. “It’s better than hurting yourself, but it’s still not good, Clarke.”

She looked away from him, blinking. She wasn’t used to people actually caring, instead of just yelling or judging her for it.

He squeezed her hand again- he hadn’t let go. She didn’t want him to.

He changed the subject. “You wanna go to Polis tomorrow? Apply for the waitressing job? You’ll get it easy, but you know... procedure.” He grinned.

She felt her heart flutter. Fuck, she loved seeing him smile.

She nodded, smiling back. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

“My shift starts at 5:00, so you can just hang out while I work if you don’t mind.”

He was a bartender there a couple nights a week, just to make a little extra money. He made good money, working as the head technician at the local auto shop, but the extra income never hurt.

His friend Murphy was the owner of Polis. The place was usually always busy, being the best bar in town and he made good money with tips.

“I don’t mind.” She confirmed.

He let go of her hand and stood up. She felt cold once his hand left hers.

She wanted to ask him not to let go. He wanted to tell her he didn’t _want_ to let go. But both of them bit their tongue.

“How about some hot chocolate?” He asked, distracting himself with something. “Wash down the whiskey flavor.” He teased with a wink.

She let out a small laugh. “Yeah, okay.”

He also hoped it would maybe sober her up a bit.

She watched as he turned on the kettle to warm up the water. His hair was messy and he was wearing a white shirt, making his olive skin stand out, and boxer shorts.

Just being around him- it seemed to help her. To keep her mind from racing.

He poured both of them both a mug and moved to sit on the couch. She followed him, curling up next to him, knees pulled to her chest.

He knew he should tell her that she shouldn’t be so close. He shouldn’t have let her sleep on his lap last night, or fallen asleep on the couch together earlier that afternoon... but he stayed quiet, because it didn’t feel wrong. He just wanted to be near her and she wanted to be near him.

He flipped on the tv and turned the volume low so they could barely hear it.

The more she drank, the warmer she felt, curled up next to him- the heavier her eyes felt.

He watched her head start to lull, finally coming to rest on his shoulder. Once he was sure she was fully asleep, he turned off the tv. He carefully moved and picked her up, carrying her up the stairs. She nestled her face into his neck, but didn’t wake up.

Octavia was walking back from the bathroom when he reached the top of the stairs. She looked at him in question, but he didn’t really have an answer to give her.

“Get the door, will ya’?” He asked nodding his head at Clarke’s bedroom door.

She scurried over and swung it open, walking in to pull the sheets back so he could lay her down.

She sighed in her sleep as he laid her down. He pulled the blankets over her and looked up at Octavia, who looked like she had a million questions. She just asked one though.

“Is she okay?”

“I think so.” He answered. “But... maybe you could stay in here with her? Just for tonight.”

His voice was worried, which made Octavia worry.

She had so many questions reeling through her mind, but something about Bellamy’s face told her she wouldn’t get many answers.

“Okay.” She said.

Bellamy swallowed, looking away from Clarke. Pushing down his emotions.

“Are you okay, Bell?” She asked him.

“I...” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, like he did when he was stressed. “I’m okay. I just want _her_ to be okay.” He admitted.

She let her own sigh. “Me too.”

With that, she slid under the covers. Clarke moved closer to her in her sleep and Octavia rested her head next to hers so they were touching.

He left the room, shutting the door behind him and leaned back against it for a moments, taking a few deep breaths.

He wanted to be the one to do that. To help her, to hold her. He almost longed for it.

She hadn’t cut herself tonight, even though he was sure she wanted to, so that was progress. He hoped that they were enough to help her. Him and Octavia. He just wasn’t sure.

And Octavia would be leaving for college eventually. It’d be just the two of them. So would he be enough?

He took one last deep breath and headed to his own room, trying not to think about the one person he couldn’t get his mind off of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters will slowly get darker. Super excited about the next few chapters though, so hope you guys are enjoying. Much love ❤️❤️


	5. ~ People Who Carry Me ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning here. Slightly darker chapter than past ones. Skip to bottom if you’d like to read the warning first.
> 
> Song in this chapter is For Islands and Family by Dermot Kennedy, and I highly recommend listening too it. It’s a beautiful song.

The next morning, she was surprised to see that she had both been moved to her bed, and that Octavia was sleeping next to her. Bellamys doing for sure.

She went downstairs to find him already in the kitchen, making breakfast.

“Hey, sunshine.” He smirked at her.

“Morning.” She smiled, sitting at the island. “That smells good.”

He smirked again. He grabbed a plate from the cabinet and placed two slices of French toast on it, sliding it in front of her.

She accepted it quickly. She was starving.

“Hey, thanks.” She said, almost feeling embarrassed. “For carrying me upstairs last night. And for Octavia.”

“It was a little cold down here. I wanted to make sure you slept okay.” He said, downplaying it. 

“Oh, here.” He said pulling out his wallet. He handed her $500. “You and Octavia take the truck today and go shopping. Grab whatever you need.”

Her mouth dropped open as she counted it. “Bellamy, no.” She tried to shove it back at him. “I can’t take this from you. It’s way too much.”

He walked around the island to stand next to her, pushing the money in her sweatshirt pocket. “It’s not too much. Just take it.”

“Bell-“ She started to protest again, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“_Clarke_, take the money.” He told her firmly, pressing his body into hers.

He was close. _Very close_. Her eyes dropped to his mouth and she felt her body react to him, goosebumps raising on her skin and a shock running through her  


_Focus, Clarke_.

She looked back to his eyes and he smirked. He knew what he was doing.

“Just be back by 4:00, so we can get to Polis.” He said, backing up and ending the conversation.

It took her a second to regain her bearings, she finally finished off her food and went to wake Octavia. 

They spent most of the day shopping. They’d called their friend Raven to come with them.

Clarke grabbed the essentials and they did a little window shopping, stopping at the food court for lunch.

“Did Clarke tell you that she’s got the hots for my brother?” Octavia smiled at Raven.

“Um, everyone has the hots for your brother.” She told her seriously, then turned to Clarke. “But no, she failed to mention that.” Raven put her chin in her hand and looked expectantly. “Do tell.”

“There’s nothing to tell.” She eyed Octavia, who put her hands up in mock surrender.

“We’re friends. He’s been helping me.” Clarke said. “So have you.” She looked at Octavia gratefully.

“Yeah, sorry about your mom.” Raven said.

Clarke shrugged a little. “I think it’s better this way.”

“Well, we should do something fun.” Raven smiled. “Jaspers having a house party this Friday. His parents are out of town. We should all go.”

“Ooh, it’s been a minute since the last party.” Octavia said. “We’re in.”

“Looks like we should make one more stop for party clothes then, huh?” Clarke smiled.

They got done shopping and got back to the house by 3:00. Clarke took a quick shower and waited for Bellamy to get ready.

He had been right. She had the job. All he had to do was put in a good word. She wouldn’t have a lot of hours, just when Bellamy was working. But it was enough to make some money to pitch in for some bills and groceries, and to buy her own things.

She started right then, since Bellamy was working. Another one of the waitresses, Harper, showed her the ropes. It was easy enough to pick up. It was a lot of walking, a lot of work, but she could do it.

She caught Bellamy’s eye as she worked, smiling big at him- a smile he’d only seen her give him a couple times. He grinned back at her, wishing she’d smile at him like that all the time.

Just after 11:30, Harper said she could take off. She split up the tips and handed Clarke her part. Her eyes widened when she gave her $100.

“Don’t expect that every night.” Harper told her. “Some nights will be a lot slower, but some will be better.” She smiled.

“Thanks for all your help.” Clarke told her.

“You catch on fast.” She told her. “You’ll do great. See ya’.”

“Bye.”

She raced over to the bar, slapping down the cash in front of Bellamy as he wiped the bar clean. He raised his eyebrows and looked up to see her beaming a smile at him.

“Not too bad for your first night.” He smiled back at her.

“Yeah. Harper said some nights will be better, but some will be worse.”

“Trust me, I know.” He laughed.

She slid the money to him. “Here.”

“What?” He looked at her in question.

“Take it.” She said. “I know it’s not as much as you gave me, but-“

“Clarke, keep your money.”

“You didn’t keep yours.” She argued.

“You needed it.” He told her gently. “I don’t need that.”

“Bellamy.” She complained.

“Clarke.” He echoed, leaning over the bar, closer to her face.

Her breath caught in her throat, a thrill rushing through her at his closeness. He was doing this on purpose. What she didn’t know is that he was also torturing himself when he did it.

“That’s not fair.” She whispered, her eyes moving to his lips.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He tried to act innocent.

“You’re... distracting me.” She accused.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be so easily distracted.” He said easily, smirking at her.

She looked up and he moved his own eyes to her mouth, having to hide the fact that he had to catch his breath too. She brought her tongue out to lick her lips and he had to swallow.

“Doesn’t look like I’m the only one easily distracted.” She said sweetly, batting her eyelashes.

He smirked again. She was right. And now they were essentially acknowledging their attraction. That was new.

“I guess not.” His voice was deep.

He straightened back up and came out from around the bar, money in hand. She turned her body to face him.

A spurt of bravery ran through him.

He moved close to her, pressing his body against hers and slid the hand with the money into her back pocket.

Her eyes fluttered shut and she felt electrified everywhere his body touched.

He cupped her ass before sliding his hand out of her pocket, leaving the money in it.

“Keep it.” His deep voice rumbled in her ear, and this time she couldn’t protest.

Her heart was going to break out of her chest. She was sure of it.

He stepped back, still a giant smirk resting on his face. “I’m off too. I’m gonna pull the truck around, so you don’t have to walk to far in the cold.” He said easily.

She couldn’t form a response just yet, so she just stood there, watching him turn away.

She felt eyes on her and looked behind the bar. Murphy. She’d met him a few times at Bellamy’s. He was funny guy- nice enough. Sarcastic as all hell. Her new boss technically.

He was also wearing a smirk. Obviously he had seen the whole scene they had just put on.

She snapped herself out of it and rolled her eyes at him. “Shut up.”

He raised his eyebrows and hands, smiling. “I didn’t say a word.”

She huffed at him, annoyed and went to grab her jacket, running outside as Bellamy pulled up the truck.

She slipped in the passenger seat and turned the vent towards her, already having the heat blasting. She shoved her hands in front of it, rubbing them together. She hadn’t been outside longer than one minute and she felt frozen.

“You gonna be okay for school tomorrow?” He asked her.

She nodded. “It’s not the first time I won’t have a ‘proper’ nights sleep.” She grinned.

He laughed and shook his head.

When they got home, he sighed looking at the kitchen. Octavia had left a mess. _Again_.

He walked towards it, putting things away.

“You want some help?” She asked.

“Nah, I got it. Go get ready for bed. It’s late.”

She made a face, but nodded and headed upstairs for a shower.

When she got out, she checked her phone and her stomach dropped. Her dad had called. Way to ruin a good night.

She swallowed and tried to keep herself from getting worked up, but his face started flashing in her head.

She went downstairs to look for Bellamy, but he must already have been in his room. 

She hesitated at his door, her hands shaking from anxiety.

_‘Could you maybe... find me? Next time you feel like cutting yourself.’_ His words echoed in her head and gave her the courage to knock.

He didn’t answer. Maybe he was in the shower? She slowly turned the knob, opening the door.

“Bell?” She called softly.

The room was cold. She heard a guitar playing and the window was open.

She moved closer, realizing he was sitting out on the roof. She heard his voice singing. She didn’t know he could sing. She knew he played guitar, but not singing.

Quietly, she walked to the window, grabbing a blanket at the edge of his bed to wrap around herself as she walked.

She leaned against it, watching him.

_ “Wasn't it love as soon as we knew each other properly? _

_ Livin' 'bout half right 'til a certain person got to me _

_ Nothin' is secret, everythin's sacred, how it ought to be _

_ Under the moonlight on a clear night _

_ On rooftops is where I want to be _

_ Sometimes I'm like a child, that's somethin' I can't release _

_ Dreams of her comin' home, sweet home _

_ And I'm tellin' you home is so sweet _

_ Said you reminded me of the summertime, and I still mean that _

_ In a full room, I'm the only one she's smilin' at.” _

She knew the song. She sat in a trance, listening to his voice.

_ “So wouldn't you let me know if you were thinkin' less of me? _

_ That's what she asked me _

_ What was promised, what we both agreed _

_ But truthfully, if you ever go _

_ You'll drop me straight to Hell, the 7th circle _

_ And I was talkin' with you earlier _

_ We were open and vulnerable, it was wonderful _

_ I, I used to dream that you would talk to me _

_ I used to dream that you would talk to me _

_ And I couldn't tell you enough that I'm sorry _

_ And no, you couldn't tell me enough that you love me _

_ But she's bringin' the moon and stars to me _

_ Damn permanent reverie _

_ And even though this life, this love is brief _

_ I've got some people who carry me” _

She wondered what had made him play this song- if he was thinking about her. She bit her lip, pushing the thought down.

_ “You know that feelin' when you think your heart is gonna come right out through your shirt? _

_ Get it a couple times a year _

_ But I've been gettin' it more often with her _

_ Now when I'm face to face with death, I'll grab his throat and ask him, "How does it hurt?" _

_ Up in those golden moments, growin' old too quickly, was he thinkin' of her?” _

She didn’t want him to think she was intruding, but she couldn’t help but sing the last part of the song.

_ “But she's bringin' the moon and stars to me _

_ Damn permanent reverie” _

He paused his playing as her voice came behind him, whirling his head around, but quickly recovered.

He strummed the guitar, continuing, his voice melding with hers.

_ “And even though this life, this love is brief _

_ I've got some people who carry me.” _

He smiled at her, leaned against the window, wrapped up in a blanket. He sat the guitar next to him. “You can sing.” He stated.

“So can you.” She smirked a little and climbed out to sit next to him.

She pulled the blanket around herself tighter, making sure that her body was touching his.

He was in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, but he was barefoot.

“Aren’t you cold?” She asked.

He shrugged. “I’m alright. I don’t get cold too easily.”

“I wish I didn’t. It’s freezing out here.” Her voice didn’t seem quite right- like something was wrong.

He wasn’t sure if she wanted him to ask though.

“I like coming out here at night.” He told her, looking out at the sky. “When it’s quiet. Especially on nights like tonight, when you can see everything.”

She followed his gaze. He was right. The sky was completely clear. The moon was almost full and the stars were visible all around them.

She leaned her head against him, trying to focus on him- trying to clear her mind and keep it _off_ of her father.

He tried to look down at her, but couldn’t see her face. “You alright?” He whispered.

She swallowed before she answered. “Not really.” She rasped quietly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked.

She took a shaky breath. “My dad called me.”

From what he’d heard about the guy, Bellamy wasn’t thrilled with that fact.

“Did you answer?”

She shook her head against him. “I... no, but-” she broke off and sighed. “My mom probably called him and told him that I- that I left and now he’s-“ she took in a sharp breath.

His heart constricted.

“Clarke...” he pressed out. “What did he do to you?”

He felt her try to push further into him, like she wanted to disappear. Her body was shaking, but he wasn’t convinced it was from the cold.

He was scared to hear the answer to his question.

“I’m scared he’s gonna come back.” She whispered, not answering the actual question.

Her hands were in fists, and she clenched them so hard that her nails bit into her skin.

“Hey,” he said softly. He moved his arm, moving so he could pull her into his side and wrap his arm around her. “He’s not gonna touch you.” He promised.

“He already did though.” Her voice cracked and he swore his heart did too.

She melted into his side and he held her as close as he could.

She closed her eyes and a tear fell. This time though, she couldn’t find it in herself to care.

“I won’t let him near you again, Clarke.” He kept his voice as gentle as he could, even though anger was running through him.

“Can you-“ she broke off, trying to calm her breathing, but her tears were falling and this time she couldn’t stop them. “Bellamy, I-“ _I want to cut_, she thought. But she couldn’t get the words out.

She didn’t have to though. He knew.

“I know, it’s okay.” He whispered to the top of her head. “I’ve got you.”

“Please, Bellamy.” She cried softly into him. “Please, don’t let me go.”

He pulled her so they were laying down, she curled into him, tears still falling.

“I won’t let you go.” He promised softly. “I’m right here.”

It wasn’t the most comfortable position for him, laying on the hard roof, but he made do. Because he wasn’t _about_ to let her go.

Eventually, her cries quieted, but she kept herself firmly against him. He felt her body relax, but she moved to pull the blanket around him too.

It was cold out. He knew they should move inside, but wrapped up with her, he couldn’t find it in him to tell her they should move. So instead, he kept holding her close.

“He wasn’t always like that.” She spoke softly, but her voice was rough. “Somewhere along the line, I guess maybe I fucked up. He started to get so angry. It started with him just yelling, then he’d slam me down to the ground and... and then he’d hit me. Sometimes kick me. I don’t know what I did to start making him so angry.” Her voice cracked again.

His heart pounded against his chest, but he stayed silent, letting her talk. 

It hurt him to see her like this and he still hadn’t quite figured out why. He hadn’t ever cared for anyone other than Octavia and sometimes his mother before, but this... _this was different_.

And _this_ made him want to kill her father.

She lifted her head up to look at him, her blue eyes melting into his. Her tears made her eyes shine. He swore he felt like his heart breaking.

“My mom just watched, Bellamy. She- she was going to let him rape me.”

His body grew tense again.

_That_... that, he hadn’t expected. It made his blood boil.

“Clarke.” He whispered her name roughly.

She had iron grips on his shirt. “He threw me down, and he- I felt him on top of me. He said that I was a useless cunt, but he’d make me good for something.” Her voice cracked and he watched a few more tears fall.

He knew how tight he was holding her. His body was wound up, but she didn’t complain, her grip on him just as tight. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“I managed to get away, I kicked him and I ran. I told him that I’d go to the cops if he ever touched me again. I was done... I guess, maybe he got scared, so he left.”

He tried to still his own shaking hands. He was upset, _pissed off_ that she had to go through that. He looked at her, his face tight with tension, and wiped some of the tears off her cheek.

He had to focus on her here and now.

“You are _not_ worthless, Clarke.” His voice was shaking, but his tone was firm. “He made you believe you were. Probably made you grow up thinking that you couldn’t be anything other than what he let you, but that’s _bullshit_.”

Looking in his eyes, she was almost inclined to believe him. She did nod at him though.

She sniffed and he pushed some of her hair behind her ear.

“I didn’t want you to see me cry.” She said weakly.

“You’re allowed to cry. If there’s a reason to cry... it’s that.” He said. “Clarke... I will never let him touch you again. You hear me?”

She wiped the rest of her tears. “Thank you, Bellamy. For everything.” She sniffed.

He tried to set his anger and anxiety aside. “C’mere.” He said, pulling her head back to him.

She pushed herself close to him and her breaths evened out as she slowly drifted to sleep. He felt a single tear fall from his own eye and reached quickly to brush it away.

Her dad would never touch her again.

He’d make sure of it.

He tried to clear his mind, letting his hand run through her hair and eventually, followed her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of attempted rape and abuse.


	6. ~ Just Visiting ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating a day early and then probably again Saturday. I hope you guys are all still enjoying.

“Hey!”

Bellamy and Clarke both jerked awake at the sound of Octavia’s voice.

Bellamy blinked, confused and Clarke turned back to see Octavia hanging out the window.

“We’re gonna be late!” She yelled. “What the hell are you guys doing out here?”

Neither one of them answered, but Clarke uncurled herself from Bellamy and stood up.

“Sorry.” She mumbled, climbing in the window. “I’ll be quick.”

She squeezed past Octavia, and Octavia looked back out the window to Bellamy.

He sighed, dropping his head back down on the roof. He didn’t have the energy for this.

He knew how it looked. He didn’t really feel like explaining anything though. Clarke had come to him because she trusted him and he didn’t want to be dismissive towards Octavia, but what happened between them, was meant for just them.

“What are you doing, Bell?” Octavia asked, sounding worried and angry at the same time. “You can’t play around with her.”

He shot up at that, the accusation making him a little angry. “I’m not _playing_ with her, O.”

“Then what _are_ you doing?” She asked. “Because she really needs help, Bellamy. She’s not...” Octavia searched for the right words. “She struggling a lot. You can’t hurt her.”

“I know that. I’m... I’m trying to help her. I’m not gonna hurt her.” He pressed out.

Octavia sighed. “You have to be careful too.” She told him. “She’s... self destructive, Bell. It could hurt you too.”

_It already has_, he thought.

He nodded at her. “I know. But I have to try, O.” He said helplessly.

She gave him a sad look. “Please, just... be careful.”

With that she turned around and headed downstairs.

He waited a second longer and then grabbed the blanket to head inside and take them to school.

The ride was quiet. Clarke couldn’t really tell if Octavia was mad, so she didn’t say anything.

It made her feel a little anxious. Bellamy could tell. He wanted to reach over to touch her, to comfort her, but he kept his grip tight on the wheel.

He pulled up and he saw a couple boys point to the girls in the truck and laugh.

“What the hell is their deal?” He muttered.

“Nothing.” Octavia answered, opening the door. “They’re just assholes.”

Clarke climbed out behind her, stopping to turn back and look at him. She gave him a small smile, but she looked tired. “I’ll see you later.”

He smiled back at her, kind of sad. “See ya’.”

He sighed and pulled off, hoping work today would take his mind off things for a while.

Octavia eyed Clarke out of the corner of her eye as they walked. “So are you gonna tell me what you guys were doing out there on the roof?”

Clarke just shrugged. “I don’t know. Just... talking.”

“And cuddling and sleeping.” Octavia added.

“Nothing happened, Octavia.”

“I’d be okay if it did, you know?” She said seriously. “I’m not gonna be, like, upset or anything. I just want you to be happy and be okay.”

Clarke blinked tears back quickly and turned to her, biting the inside of her cheek. 

Octavia stopped too, looking at her. “Clarke, he likes you. If you like him and if he can help you with... whatever is going on... I’m okay with that.”

“He helps me.” She admitted quietly. “I- I’m not really sure what it is, but I like him.”

Octavia smiled and pulled her in for a hug. She felt Clarke sigh a little in relief, before they pulled apart.

“Let’s get to class.” Octavia said, pulling her along.

The day went relatively quick for Bellamy and before he knew it, it was time to get the girls.

His phone rang on the way there and his breath caught, seeing his moms name pop up on his screen. He hesitated a moment before answering.

He took a deep breath and hit ‘accept’.

“Hello?”

“Bellamy, it’s me.”

He rolled his eyes. He knew who it was. “Hey, mom.”

“I’m on the way to your house.” She said excitedly.

He hit the brakes a little, slowing down to process that information. “You’re _what_?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“I- Uh... well- I...” he cleared his throat. “We won’t be home for about 20.” He finally managed.

“That’s okay. I’ll let myself in.” She answered. “I remember where you keep the key.”

“Uh- Okay. See you soon.” He hung up, feeling confused.

Confusion turned to panic quickly enough.

“Son of a _bitch_.” He hissed.

This wasn’t good. His mom wasn’t going to be good for Clarke. In fact- it could be very, _very_ bad for her. He had no idea what state she was in. She sounded good, but... that could change quickly.

He tried to relax, pulling up to the school. The kid from this morning was following behind Clarke and Octavia. He was about to get out when Clarke turned around and pushed him. Hard.

He opened the door quickly, ready to beat the hell out of someone.

He saw her yell something at him and then she turned, jogging towards him.

“Hey, shithead!” Bellamy yelled and started stalking towards the kid.

Clarke caught his elbow and tried to pull him back. “No. _Bellamy_, don’t.”

“What do you mean don’t? That kid’s been fucking with you enough.” He was ready for a fight, honestly.

“Please, Bell.” She pressed. “I don’t want you getting in trouble. Can we just go?”

He clenched and unclenched his jaw a couple times before sighing. “You okay?” He asked concerned.

“He’s just a dick. I’m fine.” She answered, opening the truck door, a little annoyed at her encounter.

He didn’t really like that answer, but they had other problems to deal with. He glared at the kid a second before getting back in.

Octavia shut the door and he drove off.

“I, um.. have some news.” He said, unsure and still a little pissed off.

“Okayyy?” Octavia drug out, waiting.

“Mom is at the house.”

Her body stiffened. “Why?”

“I’m not really sure, O. She didn’t say.”

“_Bell_.” Octavia said his name sharply, like a warning. She was worried about Clarke.

“I know... I know.” He said.

Clarke looked between them. She knew their mom had her issues and she wasn’t exactly going to receive the mother of the year award, but Octavia seemed extremely bothered.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Maybe nothing.” Bellamy tried to sound confident. “_Octavia_,” He said glancing over at her. “It could be fine.”

“What if it’s not?” She asked, staring straight ahead, jaw clenched.

“Then... then we’ll figure it out.” He said.

She scoffed. “I can’t believe you right now.”

He didn’t have a response to that. He couldn’t really believe himself either.

The rest of the ride home was silent. When they got there, Octavia got out of the truck and bolted inside, straight up to her room.

“Octavia!” His mom was calling as he and Clarke walked through the door.

They heard her door slam and his mom flinched.

“Hey.” Bellamy greeted a little solemnly.

“Bellamy!” She smiled big and wrapped him in a hug, which he half returned.

“And who’s this?” She asked, looking at Clarke with a smile.

“This is Clarke.” He said, placing his hand on the small of her back. “Clarke, this is my mom, Aurora.”

“Nice to meet you.” Clarke went to hold out her hand, but gasped a little as she pulled her in for a hug.

She looked a little surprised still, when Aurora pulled back. “Well now, aren’t you gorgeous? Look at you.”

Clarke blushed a little and smiled. “Thanks.”

“What are you doing here, mom?” Bellamy asked bluntly.

She blinked a little. “I’m here to see you guys. Why else?”

He tried not to roll his eyes. “I don’t know. I- I really don’t.”

“Well, I haven’t seen you guys in a long time. I missed you.” She defended.

He sighed and tried not to get worked up. “How long are you staying?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A few days?”

He nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Clarke, you can stay in my room a few nights.” He turned to her. “I’ll take the couch.”

“Oh.” Aurora looked between the two. “You _live_ here?”

Clarke looked a little uncomfortable. “Um, yeah.”

“Interesting.” She said, smile still plastered on her face.

“Mom, why don’t you go put your stuff up in the room?” He suggested.

“Sure. I’ll be right back.” She said, grabbing her suitcase.

He ran a hand down his face when she was out of sight. He felt Clarke’s hand on his arm. “You okay?”

He nodded, placing his hand over hers. “Yeah. I think. I just... you know she has a drug problem and... she isn’t always as cheerful as she is right now.”

Clarke nodded. “I can take the couch, you know? This is your house.”

“It’s yours too, Clarke.” He told her seriously. “Plus, my mom is the one causing this bed shortage. Not you.”

She smiled softly at him and nodded, gratefully. “You think Octavia’s okay?”

He made a face. “She’s just worried. She’ll be alright.”

“You want me to go talk to her?” Clarke asked.

“No, I should go try. She’s mad at me.”

Clarke bit her lip, but nodded.

He walked up the stairs and Aurora walked back down.

Clarke wasn’t really sure what to say to her, so she just sat on the couch and turned on the tv, busying herself with her phone.

She tensed as Aurora sat next to her.

“So how do you know my children?” She asked sweetly.

Clarke glanced over at her. “Octavia and I go to school together.”

“And how did you end up living here?” She didn’t sound pushy, but the question felt... _invasive_.

“Uh, well my mom and I had a bit of a falling out.” She said, hoping that’d be good enough for her to not press any further.

“That’s a shame.” She clicked. “You know you should really try to work it out with her. Mothers are an important part of children’s life.”

“Yeah, not mine.” Clarke said bluntly.

Their conversation was interrupted with a yell from upstairs.

“You know what could happen!” Octavia yelled. “You can’t let her stay here!”

Aurora’s face stayed passive, she didn’t seem upset. But Clarke turned up the tv, trying to drown out both their yelling and Aurora.

Upstairs, Bellamy was trying to keep Octavia quiet.

“Shh.” He scolded sharply. “Keep your voice down.”

“Why?!” She yelled, angry. “I don’t want her here. _You_ shouldn’t want her here.”

“Octavia, please. What do you want me to do? Kick her out in the cold?”

“Yes!”

He stepped back, frustrated, running a hand through his hair.

“Bellamy,” she brought her voice down, stepping closer to him. “I don’t want her near Clarke.”

“You think _I do_?” He asked, trying not to raise his own voice. 

“Then _why_ is she _here_?” She stressed.

“She said she’s just visiting.”

“And you believe her? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

“No, but... Octavia, I don’t know what you want me to do here.” He admitted.

She scoffed, annoyed and crossed her arms. “You can keep her away from Clarke.” She said sharply.

He looked a little defeated, and nodded at her. “Trust me, the last thing I want is Clarke hanging around mom.”

She worked her jaw like he did when he was angry or upset.

He sighed. “Are you gonna come down for dinner?” He asked.

“I guess.” She said, still angry.

“Give me 30 minutes.”

He walked out, shutting her door to go start dinner.

“Hey, Clarke.” He called, walking down the stairs. “Can you help me with dinner?”

She practically jumped off the couch, clearly uncomfortable sitting next to his mom.

“I can help too.” Aurora started to stand.

“_No!_” He said a little too quickly. “No, it’s fine. You probably had a long trip.” He said calmer. “We got it.”

She reluctantly sat back down and turned her attention to the tv.

“Sorry.” Bellamy told her quietly. “I didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that.”

“It’s alright. Are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

He made a face. “Not really.”

She gave him a sad smile. “She seems... nice.”

“Right now, yeah.” He said. “But I’ve got a feeling she’s not just here for a visit. What you see right there,” he motioned to the couch. “That’s all a show.”

Clarke nodded. “She’s a little nosey.”

Bellamy snorted at that. “Yeah, that she is.”

They finished making dinner and called Octavia down. His mother insisted they all sat at the dinner table together.

Octavia stabbed her plate, moving food around, but not really eating.

“So how’s work?” Aurora asked Bellamy.

“It’s alright. Steady.” He answered. “What about you? You still have that receptionist job?”

“Oh, no. That wasn’t for me.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Nothing’s ever for you.” She said dryly, not looking up from her food.

Aurora again didn’t seem bothered by the commentary. Clarke found it a little strange.

“So what are you doing for work then?” Bellamy asked.

“Oh, I’m in between jobs right now.” She said easily. “_Actually_, I was hoping maybe you could help me out a little bit.”

Octavia let out a humorless laugh. “That didn’t take long. That’s the only reason you’re here, isn’t it?”

“Of course not, sweetheart.”

“Don’t sweetheart me.” She snapped. “You don’t have a right to be here. We know what you want that fucking money for.”

“Octavia, don’t be so crass.” She chided.

“You know what? I’m not listening to this.” Octavia shoved her chair back, stomping up the stairs.

“I’m just gonna go wash up.” Clarke said, gathering the plates that were still half full and leaving the dining room.

Bellamy sat, head resting against one of his hands looking defeated.

“You really came here for money?” He wasn’t really surprised, but he was still a little hurt. “You’re still doing drugs?” He accused.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” She said lightly. “Who said anything about drugs? I’m fine.”

“_You’re not_-“ He was starting to raise his voice, so he took a breath. “You’re not fine.”

She wasn’t even showing any emotion. He didn’t know what the fuck she was on, but she was on something.

“Listen, mom. I- I can’t have that shit around here. I’m taking care of two teenage girls. I’ve got enough going on.”

“She’s a pretty thing.” His mom said referring to Clarke. “She seems... troubled though.” She said thoughtfully.

“Stay the hell away from her. She doesn’t need you mixing her up in any of your shit.” He said firmly. “I’m serious.”

“You’re awfully protective over her, son. Why is she so important to you?”

“_This_\- is not a conversation I’m having with you.” He stood up. “Why don’t you go to your room and get settled? I’m gonna go help clean up.”

He walked to the kitchen to find Clarke washing dishes and putting away the leftovers.

“Hey.” She said softly.

“Hey.” He sighed back, sitting on one the the island stools.

“You look like you could use a hug.” She said, sort of joking.

“I could use a drink.” He responded, sounding exhausted.

She pulled the whiskey from the cabinet, remembering where it was and poured him a glass.

He drank it quicker than he should have, throwing back the glass. He shook his head as it burned down his throat.

“I thought that shit was no good for you.” She teased.

“It’s not.” He said, feeling immediate guilt. “Do as I say. Not as I do.”

She laughed at him and sat down on the other stool.

“Can you just do me a favor?” He asked her softly, turning his head to look at her.

She nodded, listening for his request.

“Could you try and keep a distance from her?” His eyes pleaded.

“Okay.” She answered. 

She placed her hands over his on the counter and squeezed. He immediately felt more relaxed.

“Thank you.” He said.

She let go of his hands and stood up, going back to finish cleaning.

“I’ll just finish up here and head upstairs.” She smiled, reassuringly.

He helped her finish and took a quick shower, so he wouldn’t have to bother her for his room later.

She came in as he was slipping on his shirt and she watched him quietly from the doorway.

He must’ve felt her presence behind him, because he turned to look at her.

Her breath caught looking at him. He gave her a soft smile and she felt like she could melt.

She wanted to touch him. She knew he was stressed out right now, so she decided not to stop herself.

She stepped forward and he found himself stepping to meet her without even thinking about it.

She wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her head against his chest. He wrapped one arm around her waist and wrapped the other in her hair, holding her tight.

He felt some of the tension leave his body and took a deep breath, trying to relax a bit more.

Turns out, he needed that hug after all.

When he pulled back he found himself pushing her hair out of her face. “Sorry.” He whispered.

She cocked her head. “For what?”

He shrugged. “I guess I just don’t feel like myself right now.”

“Me either.” She admitted. “But, I think it’s getting a little better.”

He smiled softly, his hand resting on the side of her neck. “I hope so.”

“Bellamy, where are your extra towels?” His moms voice surprised them both and they jumped apart.

“Oh, don’t let me stop you.” She waved a hand.

He sighed, walking into the bathroom to get her a towel. “Here.”

She walked away without a word and Clarke plopped herself on his bed. “You sure you don’t want me to take the couch?”

“No, it’s alright. I don’t mind.” He said. “You need anything?”

She wanted to tell him she need him, but she bit her tongue. “No. Thanks.” She shook her head.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me, okay?”

She nodded and he headed down, feeling a little disappointed that he wouldn’t have her by his side tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can NOT wait to post the next chapter, which is much more interesting than this one, but I had to add some context in there for it. Thanks again for the comments and kudos so far, it’s always inspiring! ❤️


	7. ~ Until You Bleed ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning - skip to end if you’d like to know before reading.
> 
> Guys, as dramatic and dark as it is, I love this chapter. Hope you guys feel the same.
> 
> Chapter title from the song Black and Blue by the Counting Crows

It was late. She was trying to sleep, but she felt restless. Something about Aurora made her feel... off. 

Her phone buzzed and her dad popped up on the screen. Her blood ran cold and she quickly hit ‘decline’. Less than 15 seconds later it rang again.

She answered. “Don’t call me again.” Quickly ending the call.

It rang again. Her heart was beating too fast.

His face on her screen made her feel panicked. She closed her eyes, but visions of him flooded her mind.

He grabbed her arm and slung her against the cabinet, the handle digging into her back. He yanked her by the hair up the stairs, yelling at her. He covered her body with his own, forcing her down.

She took a shaky breath. She needed to cut, she needed a drink.

She couldn’t have either of those things.

She practically ran down the stairs to Bellamy, but paused once she was in front of him. He was sleeping and he looked so peaceful.

She sat on her knees in front of the couch, reaching out a shaking hand to wake him, but she pulled back.

_Air_. She needed air. She went out the back door and bent over with her hands on her knees, trying to keep herself from hyperventilating.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“_Shit!_” Clarke almost jumped out of her skin. She turned to see Aurora. “You scared me.”

She was sat on a chair, wrapped in a thick sweater, smoking... _something_. Whatever it was didn’t smell like weed. 

“Kids seem worried about you.” She commented. “Are you suicidal or something?”

Clarke flinched. This didn’t seem like the same woman from earlier.

“Or do you just want to stop feeling?” She asked. “Because that’s not how you do it.” She nodded at her exposed wrists.

In her hurry, she’d forgotten to throw a long sleeve on.

“Alcohol won’t do it either.” She kept talking.

Clarke just looked at her and swallowed.

“What happened to you that has them _so_ worried? Worried enough that they don’t want their own mother here.”

Clarke blinked and opened her mouth, but no noise came out. She felt extremely uneasy.

“Listen,” Aurora said standing up and walked to her. “You don’t have to tell me... but,” she pulled something out of her pocket and grabbed Clarke’s hand. “If you want it to go away... this will help.”

Clarke felt her drop what felt like a few pills in her hand.

The door opened and Clarke yanked her hand away from Aurora’s, fisting the pills in her hand.

“What the hell is going on?” Bellamy’s voice boomed.

“Just trying to see what makes her so special, son.” Her voice was taunting.

Bellamy noticed the change in her immediately. “Clarke, get in the house.” He told her firmly.

She felt frozen though, not moving. And Aurora continued.

“So special that because of her, you can’t help your own mother.” She accused. “Don’t even _want_ me here... your own mother.”

“Don’t start this.” He warned.

“Start what?” She said lowly. “You’ve never taken care of me, I suppose. So why start now? I gave birth to you, gave you life. What thanks do I get?”

Clarke stood back, breathing hard.

“Just go inside, mom.” He tried. “Sleep it off.”

“Oh fuck you, Bellamy.” She spat. “You don’t even wanna help me. Why should I listen to you?”

“I’ve tried to help you. _Over and over_.” He said, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. “Just go inside.”

Aurora turned to Clarke once more. “It’s the only way, sweetheart.”

Clarke was sure she was referring to the pills that she now had tightly clutched in her hand.

She turned then, brushing past Bellamy and slamming the door behind her.

Clarke felt like she could breathe again. Bellamy looked at her in question, worry written on his face. 

“Are you okay?”

She nodded shakily. “That didn’t seem like the person I talked to earlier.”

He looked down to her fist and his jaw clenched.

“Clarke,” he started. “What did she say to you?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think she likes me very much.” Her voice was uneven.

He kept his gaze on her closed fist. “What did she give you?” He stepped closer, looking at her face now.

“She...” Clarke looked down, not meeting his eyes.

His heart dropped.

“_Clarke_.” He said as a warning. His voice was tense. “What did she give you?”

She swallowed, not answering.

“Hey, look at me.” He rasped, gently grabbing her arm and pressing his body to hers, trying to get her attention.

It worked. She met his gaze. She looked guilty.

He hated it.

_God, Octavia was right_. He shouldn’t have let his mom stay. 

“Give me the pills.” His voice was thick with emotion.

Tears pooled in her eyes, making them sparkle in the moonlight, but they didn’t fall.

Her body was cold. She was only in a short sleeved shirt and it was at least 30 degrees out.

“Clarke, give them to me.” He said firmer, still looking in her eyes.

She blinked her tears back and lifted her hand to his, placing them in his hand.

“Jesus Christ.” He muttered. He knew they were in her hand, but feeling them made it _real_.

He felt tears come to his own eyes and he held his head back, looking at the sky for a second. He was angry. He was sad. He was disappointed. He was _hurt_.

“I wasn’t going to take them.” She whispered, voice still shaking.

“Then _why_ did you let her give them to you?” His voice sounded desperate. He wanted to understand. He backed up and ran a hand down his face, still trying to blink back tears.

“I- I don’t know.” She sounded so confused.

He shook his head. “Just go inside and go upstairs.”

She took a step to him. “Bell-“

“_Please_, Clarke.” He made his voice as soft and as calm as he could manage. He closed his eyes, shut tight. “Please, just go inside.”

She still hesitated a moment. “I’m sorry.” She whispered before going inside.

He took a deep breath and took a moment- tried to calm himself, but it wasn’t working.

He went inside and found his mom leaned against the kitchen island, smoking.

Anger ran through him and he stalked forward, snatching it out of her hand and tossing it in the sink.

“What the hell, Bellamy!” She shouted at him.

He slammed the pills on the counter. “What fuck is this?”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course she gave them to you. You’ve got that poor girl wrapped around your finger.”

“What the fuck is it?!” He yelled at her, temper out the window.

“She _wants_ this, Bellamy. Just look at her. Look at her wrists. That’s just the start.”

Bellamy stepped closer, invading her space, his voice dangerously low. “Don’t fucking talk about her. You don’t know her!”

“Bell?”

He looked out past the living room to see Octavia on the staircase. “What’s going on?”

“Go back upstairs.” He told her.

“Bell-“

“Now, Octavia!” He didn’t mean to yell at her, but right now he couldn’t think straight.

“You think you can help her, but you can’t.” His mom said, getting his attention back. “Just like you couldn’t help me.”

He shook his head, forgetting about Octavia. “She doesn’t want this!” He said motioning up and down her body. “You never wanted my help. You pushed further and further away until you were gone. She’s not you. She wants to get better. She _wants_ my help.” He told her firmly.

“Does she? Because she took the pills I handed her.”

“Oh my god.” Octavia gasped.

Bellamy’s head snapped to her. “Upstairs! Now!”

She gave him a worried look and ran up the stairs.

He turned back to Aurora. “You need to leave.” He growled. “Pack your shit and get the hell out. Now.”

She scoffed. “It’s 2 am and it’s freezing out. I have nowhere to go.”

“Yeah, well you should’ve thought about that before you brought your drugs in here and gave them to an unstable teenager.”

“You can’t help her.” She said again.

She was trying to get under his skin and, well... it was working.

He moved past her and up the stairs to the room she was staying in. He shoved the random items she had out, into the bag and threw it at her as she walked in.

“Get out of my house.” He demanded.

“You think you’re all high and mighty now? What, because you have a job and a house? You know you’re the reason I’m like this. _You_ did this to me!” She yelled.

He didn’t flinch. He was used to her words. “Get. Out.” He said, voice deadly low.

“If I never had you, I could’ve had it all.” She told him. “I gave up everything for you.”

“I swear to god, if you don’t get the fuck out.” His voice was rising.

“What are you gonna do, Bellamy? You’re not gonna hit me.”

No. He wasn’t. They both knew that.

“If you don’t leave, I’ll call the police and tell them that you not only have drugs, but that you gave them to a minor.” He warned. 

Her mouth shut at that. “Fine.” She said after a few beats. “I don’t need to hang on to past mistakes anyway.” She said coldly.

He waited in the room until he heard the front door shut, signifying that she was gone.

He let himself sink down to his knees, letting out a shaky sigh. He tried to still his hands, bringing them into fists. He needed to hit something. It was times like these that he missed the fighting ring.

“Bell?” Octavia’s voice sounded at the door.

He didn’t even look up, just shook his head. “Not right now, Octavia... Please.” He begged.

She lingered at the doorway still. “...Clarke doesn’t have the pills, does she?”

That made him look at her. Fear was written all over her face. He felt his anger turn into sadness. He shook his head. “No. She doesn’t have them.”

She nodded and wiped her tears, sniffing.

He sighed and got up. He didn’t have time for self pity or anger right now. He had two other people to worry about.

He wrapped Octavia in a hug, and she held onto him and cried.

“I’m sorry, O.” He said. “You were right. I shouldn’t have let her stay here.”

She pulled back and wiped her tears away. “I wanted for so long to believe she could get better, Bell... but she can’t. I don’t want her to hurt us anymore... and I don’t want her to hurt Clarke.”

He nodded. “I know. She won’t.” He promised. “Go back to bed, okay. It’s over.”

She nodded and turned to go back to her room.

He went downstairs and grabbed the pills off the counter, tossing them down the drain. He didn’t know what they were and he didn’t want to. Not anymore. It didn’t matter.

When he walked up to his bedroom, he slowly opened the door. Clarke was on the bed, lying on her side, facing away from the door. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard her crying.

He gave a soft knock so she would know he was there, but she made no movement to look at him.

He heard her phone buzz on the nightstand as he walked over. He looked down and saw her dads name on the phone.

This motherfucker has the nerve?

As the call ended, unanswered, he looked at the screen. 59 missed calls from him.  


“Jesus Christ.” He muttered.

Her hands were pulled into her chest and she was looking forward, tears falling freely, but no expression on her face.

He grabbed her phone, a mixed feeling of anxiety from worrying about her and anger.

“What’s the passcode?” He asked softly. It took everything in him to keep his voice soft.

She didn’t answer at first. He expected to have to ask her again, firmer, but she finally answered.

“7532.” She whispered without moving.

He went to her call log, clicked his name and hit ‘Block’.

He laid a hand on her arm and she closed her eyes, tears still falling.

“Clarke, look at me.” He kept his voice soft. “Please.”

She slowly sat up and turned to him, pulling her legs to sit cross legged, but she kept her head down. 

His own eyes shot down too. She was holding her hand against one of her wrists and it made his heart drop. “Clarke...” his voice cracked.

“I didn’t mean to.” She cried weakly, looking down still. “I- I wasn’t going to take the pills, I promise.” She said through her tears. “I didn’t even know what they were. And I-“ She let out a sob and shook her head. “My dad- he wouldn’t stop calling and I- I- just-“

“Hey, hey. Slow down, baby. Hang on.” He put his hands on the side of her face. She looked at him and he saw the pain in her eyes- the panic. She looked tortured and he realized, she had been.

He pushed down his own fear. “Look at me. Just breathe, alright? Breathe.”

She took a deep breath, but hiccuped. He wanted to look at her wrist so badly, but he had to get her to calm down.

“I’m so sorry, Bell.” She sobbed.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I know. Just relax.” He pulled her in and she let her body melt into him. “I’m not mad. I’ve got you.”

He laid them down, slowly and she buried her head into his chest, letting her wrist go, so she could grip his shirt with both of her hands.

After about 10 minutes, she quieted down, letting out a couple more hiccups.

He pulled back and she tried to push into him.

“Easy,” he comforted, softly. “I need to look at your wrist.”

She pulled it into herself, not quite willing.

“Clarke, please, let me see it.” He sat up and helped her do the same.

“I’m okay.” She sniffed. “It’s not that bad. I barely cut it.”

He ignored her, pulling it towards him.

He took a shuddering breath and shook his head. She’d only cut once. The blood was smeared around it, but looked like it had stopped. She was wrong though, because it _was_ deep. It hurt to see it- to think of her doing this to herself. 

“Stay here.” He told her gently.

He went into the bathroom, grabbing a wet cloth, some antiseptic, and bandages.

He sat back down next to her and laid her wrist on his leg. She didn’t fight him, letting him take control. He wiped around it gently, trying not hurt her.

He tried to keep his hands from shaking. Finally, he got it clean and rubbed the antiseptic over it, wrapping the bandage around it.

Once he was done, he grabbed a makeup wipe from the pack that she’d left next to her phone on the nightstand and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She whispered, taking it to wipe her face.

Her body was still cold. He went and grabbed one of his sweatshirts and helped her pull it on. He pulled his own shirt off and pulled the covers back, lying down on his side. She watched him carefully and he lifted his arm, motioning for her to lie down.

She slid in next to him easily and pushed herself back against him. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close, breathing in her smell.

She was okay. He’d found her in time to get the pills from her. She was safe in his arms. He breathed her in deep, letting her scent calm him down.

She pulled his arm to her chest, holding his hand like it was her lifeline. And maybe it was. 

“Try to sleep, alright? I’m right here.” His voice rumbled in her ear.

When he felt her breaths even out and he was sure she was asleep, he finally let a couple tears slip, still holding her close.

He didn’t know what to do- how to help her. Just like he didn’t know how to help his mom. It scared him. He was in over his head with two teenage girls, one who had a list of issues that needed addressed.

He tried to just focus on the fact that she wanted to be helped. She didn’t want this life. Tonight she’d made a mistake and it was clear she regretted it.

He focused on timing his breaths with hers and eventually, fell into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-Harm and drug use.
> 
> The harsh reality of what drugs can do to people and relationships. The harsh reality of what being abused can trigger inside a person. This chapter is dark and sad, but I hope you guys find it real. And poor Bellamy always trying to hold everyone together.


	8. ~ Nobody Said It Was Easy ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the Monday blues, but I’m happy I can post this.
> 
> Much softer chapter than the last, hopefully gives a little bit of relief.
> 
> I used The Scientist by Coldplay for this chapter, but specifically what inspired me to use the song is the beautiful cover by Chase Eagleson, which you can find on YouTube and I highly recommend listening to it. It’s beautiful and I listened to it on repeat while writing this chapter.

A loud crack of thunder jolted Bellamy awake. He woke up and lifted his head to look at the clock.

6:34

Technically they should be getting up and ready for the day.

Clarke’s phone blared off with the alarm set at 6:35. He reached over quickly and shut it off. She shifted a little, burrowing further into him, but didn’t wake up. He didn’t want to move, but he needed to take care of a couple things.

He untangled himself carefully and reached to grab his own phone, dialing the schools number, then works.

After, he curled himself back around her and just laid there for another hour, listening to the thunderstorm outside.

At 7:30, he carefully slid from the bed and headed downstairs.

_Coffee_. He needed coffee. He started a pot and sat down at the island, leaning his head in his hands.

Dark grey light filtered through the windows and the smell of coffee filled the air. It must’ve drifted upstairs, because Octavia shuffled in the kitchen.

“Morning.” She said quietly. “We’re gonna be late for school.”

He lifted his head from his hands and shook it. “I already called the school and work. We’re taking a day off.”

She bit her lip and nodded. The coffee maker beeped, signifying it was done. Octavia grabbed two mugs and poured. She filled his full, sliding it to him black. She left enough room for creamer in hers, grabbing it from the fridge.

He grabbed the mug and pulled it towards him. “Thanks.”

They drank in silence for a little, the sound of rain pounding against the windows the only sound filling the house.

“How is she?” Octavia asked hesitantly after a few minutes.

He didn’t look up from his coffee and she saw his jaw working.

“She’s... confused, I think.” He answered, unsure.

Octavia nodded. “Do you know what mom said to her.”

He looked up and met her eyes. “No.”

“But... she gave her pills?” Octavia verified.

He swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah, she did. I threw them down the drain.”

Octavia thought a minute before asking her next question. “Do you think...” she trailed off and sighed. “Do you think she was gonna take them?”

He felt his heart pound against his chest, even thinking about it now. “She said she wasn’t.” He managed calmly. 

“You believe her?” She asked.

“I don’t know, O. I don’t- I don’t know what to believe.” He admitted.

“She cuts, you know?” Octavia told him, tears in her eyes.

He shut his eyes and bowed his head down, because _yeah_, he knew.

“She thinks I don’t know, but I do.” She continued. “And I just- I don’t want her to end up like mom, Bell.”

He lifted his head to look at her. “She won’t. I promise you, Octavia. I won’t let that happen.”

“Bell... Was mom trying to get her to kill herself?” She whispered like she was afraid to say the words. “What were they?”

He shook his head and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what they were. It doesn’t matter anymore. They’re gone and I’m not letting mom anywhere near her or _you_, ever again.”

She seemed to accept that answer, because she went quiet.

After a few minutes, Clarke came into the kitchen. She looked a little nervous. She still had on his sweatshirt, sleeves pulled low over her hands.

“Hey,” Octavia said softly. “You want some coffee?” She offered.

“Could I maybe have some hot chocolate?” Her voice was a little raspy. From sleep or from crying, he wasn’t sure.

“I’ll make you some.” Bellamy offered, standing up.

He put his hand on her lower back, gently guiding her to the stool that he’d been sitting on.

“You okay?” He whispered near her ear.

She nodded, letting herself lean into him for a second.

He had to stop himself from kissing her head. He settled with rubbing her back, before going to fix her hot chocolate.

She jumped as a crack of thunder sounded through the house, making the walls rattle.

If it kept going like this, they would lose power soon.

He grabbed some flashlights and candles out of one of the drawers while the water for her hot chocolate heated up.

“Are we having a rain day?” She tried to lightly joke.

It made him smile a little, despite his anxiety. “Something like that.”

“How do you feel?” Octavia asked her.

“I’m okay. Just a little tired.” She told her.

Bellamy slid her the hot chocolate and she grasped the mug, gratefully.

“Well, today we’re all just gonna relax, okay?” Bellamy told them both.

“I can leave... if you guys want me to.” Clarke said so quietly that he barely heard her.

“_What_?” He asked, astounded.

“I just...” She trailed off.

“Clarke,” Octavia grabbed her hand. “What happened last night was not your fault.”

Clarke didn’t look so sure. “I made her upset. Me being here- she didn’t like it.”

“She didn’t like that I wouldn’t give her money.” Bellamy said firmly. “You were just unfortunate enough to get caught up in the crosshairs of her psychotic episode.”

She still was looking down.

“Hey,” He walked to the her side of the island and pulled her stool sideways to face him, but her head stayed down. “Look at me.” His voice wasn’t mean, but dominance rang through it.

She finally looked up at him. “Nothing that happened last night is your fault. Okay?”

She looked at him sadly. “Some of it was.” She forced out.

He kept eye contact, letting out a little sigh. She was talking about cutting- the fact that she took the pills.

“We’re working on that.” He softened his voice. “Together.”

She blinked, trying to push down tears and nodded, taking a deep breath. “Together.”

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” Octavia said standing up, feeling a little bit like she was intruding.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke told him once Octavia was gone.

“You don’t have to keep apologizing.” He was still close to her.

It made her heart race. It made her feel good- feel _safe_. She watched his mouth closely, forgetting what they had been talking about it.

She placed her hand on his chest, which was still bare from last night. She felt his heart beating heavily against his chest and he reached his hand to the side of her neck, then rested his head on hers.

He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and never let her go. He wanted to keep her safe.

He didn’t want to rush her for anything, or give her more to worry about it, so he pulled back and kissed her forehead instead. She reached her hand up to his arm and held it tight, leaning her head further into his kiss.

When he pulled back, he brought her in to his chest and she rested her head on him, winding her arms around his middle. She felt like she fit perfectly with him.

“Come on.” He squeezed her after a moment. “We’ll find a movie to watch.”

She nodded and he grabbed her hand while they walked to the couch.

By the time Octavia came back down, they’d decided on a movie. In the middle of it, they saw a bright flash of lightening outside and the power all went out.

“Man,” Octavia complained. “It was getting to the best part.

Bellamy laughed at her and went to light the candles, throwing them each a flashlight for when it got really dark.

“We’ll be alright.” He said. “We’ve got board games, cards. We’ll entertain ourselves without technology.”

“Ew.” Octavia deadpanned.

Clarke huffed a little laugh and Bellamy was relieved to see it.

“Your phone still works.” Clarke comforted.

“Thank god I charged it.” She said pulling her phone out.

Clarke smiled as she watched Octavia pull up Niylah’s name and start texting.

They spent the afternoon playing games and doing what Bellamy had suggested, relaxing. It was nice. As the day went on, the air grew lighter. They played and laughed and everyone felt a bit better.

Luckily they had a gas stove, so they were able to make and eat dinner.

“Hey, I’m gonna have Niylah pick me up, Bell. Do you care if I stay the night?” Octavia asked while they were eating.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. He wasn’t stupid. He knew what they were doing. But at least there wasn’t a risk of pregnancy, he supposed. “As long as you get to school on time tomorrow.”

“Not a problem, big brother.” She smiled happily and got up to pack her bag.

He shook his head and chuckled at her.

Clarke smiled softly at him. “You’re a really good brother.”

He shrugged a little. “I try to be.”

“You are.” She told him with confidence. “You’re a really good friend too.”

He smiled, but it was a little sad. She bit her lip in thought.

“I didn’t mean to disappoint you.” She said carefully. “I really didn’t want to. I just- I didn’t want to wake you up. So I went outside to get some air and she was there. I didn’t know.” She swallowed and shook her head. “Then I- I don’t know. She... she made me feel like...” she furrowed her brows looking for the right words. “Like I _should_ take the pills. The way she made it sound...”

He nodded. “I know.” He said, moving his hand to hers and ran his thumb over the back of it. “She has a way of making people feel like they don’t matter.”

“She said some awful things to you.” Clarke said. “I heard her yelling. It was... a lot.” She closed her eyes. “And when my dad wouldn’t stop calling me... I cut. And I know I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

He squeezed her hand, reassuringly. “It won’t stop all at once, Clarke. I’m not under the illusion that it will. I just want you to try. I want you to come to me. Wake me up if I’m asleep. I promise you I’d rather you wake me up then have you struggle alone. I’m not ever gonna be mad. It’s okay to need somebody.”

“I don’t deserve you.” She whispered.

He shook his head. “That’s not true.” He said leaning closer to her. “Clarke, I... I care about you. _So much_.”

Her heart leapt and her breaths became shallow.

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” He continued. “And last night, something almost did. Because I let someone who could hurt you in this house.”

“Bellamy, it’s not your fault-“

“It is.” He said, leaving no room for argument. “I knew what she was capable of. Octavia told me not to let her stay and I did. So, I’m sorry too. I put you in danger.”

“It’s okay.” She assured him softly.

A horn honked outside and Octavia raced down the stairs. She pulled her raincoat over her head.

“Be careful!” Bellamy yelled after her.

“I will! Bye, love you guys!” She yelled back, running outside.

The storm outside hadn’t let up all day.

“I’ll be right back.” Bellamy said, getting up.

She watched him curiously as he walked up the stairs. She walked to the living room and curled her legs underneath her on the couch.

When he came back downstairs, guitar in hand, she grinned at him.

“You’re gonna play me some songs?” She smiled.

“Yep. And you’re gonna sing them.” He said, plopping on the ground in front of the couch, leaning up against the coffee table.

“Oh, I am?” She teased.

He nodded. “You are. So what’s it gonna be?”

She watched him for a second, mesmerized by how his brown eyes sparkled in the candle light. She bit her lip and her heart started to race, butterfly’s in her stomach.

“Pick something.” She told him. “I’ll jump in.”

He grinned and nodded. “Alright.”

He started playing and she couldn’t help but smile at him.

_ “Come up to meet you _

_ Tell you I'm sorry _

_ You don't know how lovely you are _

_ I had to find you _

_ Tell you I need you _

_ Tell you I set you apart” _

She scooted herself to the floor, sitting to face him, her body still touching his. Her turn.

_ “Tell me your secrets _

_ And ask me your questions _

_ Oh let's go back to the start _

_ Running in circles, coming up tails _

_ Heads on a science apart” _

He watched her as she sang, strumming the guitar on autopilot. She had no idea how beautiful she was. He wanted to tell her. He almost forgot to sing the next part of the song.

His voice joined hers for the chorus, melting perfectly together.

_ “Nobody said it was easy _

_ It's such a shame for us to part _

_ Nobody said it was easy _

_ No one ever said it would be this hard _

_ I’m going back to the start” _

He quieted, letting her take the next part.

_ “I was just guessing at numbers and figures _

_ Pulling your puzzles apart _

_ Questions of science, science and progress _

_ Do not speak as loud as my heart” _

He watched her, a tender look on his face, not breaking eye contact as he started singing again.

_ “Tell me you love me _

_ Come back and haunt me _

_ Oh and I rush to the start _

_ Running in circles, chasing our tails _

_ Coming back as we are” _

She opened her mouth slightly while she watched him. Her eyes dropped to his mouth, like they had so many times the past few days and she found herself licking her lips.

_ “Nobody said it was easy _

_ Oh it's such a shame for us to part _

_ Nobody said it was easy _

_ No one ever said it would be so hard _

_ I'm going back to the start” _

The last part of the song was perfect for her voice. Not technically words but she melodized with his guitar, bringing her voice higher.

She sat back as the song ended, just smiling softly at him.

He smiled back and sat his guitar to the side.

She felt like they were in the only ones in the world. Like they were locked away from the pain outside of this place. Because this place right here, surrounded by nothing but candlelight, a guitar and Bellamy... _this place was safe_. In this place, she wasn’t afraid.

She felt like she could breathe. 

He knew what it was now. The feeling of fear he got when he walked outside and saw his mom placing something in her hand. Why he had the feeling he got when he saw her clutching the wrist she had cut. The feeling of his heart wanting to spring from his chest. The feeling of warmth he was getting right now, watching her sitting across from him, candlelight dancing through her hair... _He loved her_.

He almost let the words slip at their own accord, but swallowed them.

She moved to sit next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. He brought his head to rest against hers.

“My side is way comfier.” She said in response to leaning against the hard coffee table.

He chuckled and lifted his head to look down at her.

She lifted her own head to match his gaze. He reached with his far arm and brushed her hair behind her ear.

“I can’t explain how you make me feel.” She whispered searching his eyes.

He swallowed and kept her gaze. “Clarke.” His voice was husky and his eyes darted across her face, unsure of whether he wanted to look at her lips or her eyes.

Before he could change his mind, he leaned down, capturing her lips with his. She opened her mouth, responding immediately, but softly. He reached his hand to her hair, and firmly pressed his tongue to hers. She slowly moved to straddle him, reaching her own hands to the side of his face.

He felt his arousal growing, pressing against his pants and tried to push it down, just focusing on the kiss.

She slowly pulled back and rested her head against his, both of them breathing like they’d run a marathon. He kept his eyes closed and ran a shaking hand up and down her back. He’d never felt this way before. Neither had she. She hadn’t known it was possible.

“Clarke...” his voice broke. “I don’t wanna fuck this up.” He whispered, eyes shut tight.

“You won’t.” She whispered back sadly. “If anyone does... it’ll be me.”

“I’ll take that chance.” He told her.

She gave him a sad smile.

“I won’t give up on you.” He whispered, his heart feeling like it could explode. There were so many emotions running through him.

Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Promise?”

He nodded, running his hand through her hair. “I promise.”

He pulled her head forward to kiss it and then helped her up, lying on the couch sideways so she could lie next to him.

She pushed close to him, closing her eyes.

She felt him kiss her hair and she squeezed his hand tightly. She didn’t want this to end... maybe it never would. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you swooning yet? Because I am. Lol
> 
> As always, thanks for the kudos and comments. Love you guys 🥰


	9. ~ Rush ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t plan on posting today, I was going to wait until tomorrow. But I’ve decided to post another one Saturday too lol. Another lighter chapter before we head into some darker things.

He woke up the next morning to the sound of the power coming on. He blinked at the bright light, Clarke stirring beside him on the couch. She reached over to grab her phone from the coffee table, looking at it through squinted eyes.

“Ugh.” She groaned. “We have to get up.”

He looked over her shoulder to see the time. 7:03

He plopped his head back down and sighed. She was right.

She got up and stretched with a yawn. She pulled at his arm playfully and he groaned, shoving his head into the throw pillow. “Five more minutes.” He complained.

She let his arm go and snickered. “We have to leave in 15.”

“It only takes me five to get ready.” He mumbled into the pillow.

She rolled her eyes with a smile. “Fine. I’m going to get ready.”

He heard her run up the stairs and he turned over. He really needed coffee. But that meant he needed to get up now.

He pushed himself up, going to start the coffee maker, then headed to get dressed.

When he headed back down, Clarke was already waiting. He poured his coffee in a travel mug and they were out the door.

“You okay for work tonight?” He asked her as they drove.

“Yeah. I slept good last night.” She smiled. “I’m okay.”

He grinned and nodded. “Okay, good.”

She squeezed his hand as they pulled up to the school. “I’ll see you later.”

“See ya’.” He smiled.

Clarke found Raven and Octavia easily and they started walking to class.

“How was your night?” Clarke asked Octavia.

“Oh, I’ve already got an ear full.” Raven answered for Octavia. “5 times.” Ravens eyes got big.

Clarke’s mouth dropped open. “You came 5 times?”

Octavia smiled and shrugged. “She’s good at what she does.”

Clarke laughed, shaking her head.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood.” Raven commented.

“That’s because she got to spend all night alone with Bellamy.” Octavia said with her eyebrows raised.

Clarke rolled her eyes, but her smile didn’t disappear.

“Oh my god!” Raven exclaimed. “That _is_ why.”

“Told you.” Octavia said smugly. “They’ve got the total hots for each other. It’s completely gross.”

“You guys would make such a hot couple.” Raven said.

“Hey, are we still going to that party Friday?” Clarke asked, changing the subject.

“Uh, yeah.” Octavia said, obviously. “We need to do something fun.”

“Agreed.” Raven nodded.

Clarke bit her lip in thought. “Do you think Bellamy will be okay with it?”

“He’ll be fine.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “And it’ll be fun.” She said ending the conversation as they walked into class.

Bellamy picked up Clarke so they could go to work and Octavia went to hang with Niylah.

The night was uneventful for the most part. She’d made good tips and tonight was easier than the first night, as she caught on. 

On the way home Bellamy grasped her hand and even though it was just the two of them, she slid to the middle seat, sitting close to him.

By the time he pulled in the driveway, she had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

He texted Octavia. ‘Come open front door.’

‘K’ she responded.

He rolled his eyes, then carefully moved to pick up Clarke.

She was a heavy sleeper, luckily. Octavia opened the door as he walked up to it.

“Is she okay?” She asked, looking a little concerned.

“Yeah. She just fell asleep.” He answered, easily.

“You could’ve woken her up, you know?” She said, amused.

“She’s tired. I don’t mind.” He brushed her off, walking up the stairs.

He almost took her to his room, but she didn’t know how she’d feel about that, so he laid her in her bed and took her shoes off.

He’d make sure to wake her up in time for a shower tomorrow morning. He brushed the hair from her face and watched her for a second.

“What exactly happened last night?” He jumped as Octavia’s voice sounded behind him.

“Jesus. Can you not sneak up on me?” He asked.

She stayed with her arms crossed, leaning against the door, waiting for an answer.

“She seemed awfully cheerful today.” Octavia said slyly.

“That’s good.” He tried to sound innocent.

“You wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you?” She asked.

“I’m not sure, O. I’m not in her head.” He said, a hint of sass.

“Oh, you _so_ had something to do with it.”

“Go to sleep. It’s late.” He told her.

“Ugh.” She shoved herself off the doorframe. “You’re so annoying sometimes.”

He smiled as she walked away. She seemed okay after yesterday. He was sure Niylah had helped with that.

He looked back to Clarke. He wished he could lay with her, but didn’t want to push her. He kissed her forehead and headed to his own room, hoping he could get some sleep.

He made sure to wake her up early the next morning, like he’d planned.

He walked into her room and it looked like she hadn’t moved much since he’d laid her down the night before. Her hair was fanned out across her pillow and she looked peaceful. She looked like a princess.

“Hey, wake up, princess.” He smiled, shaking her shoulder gently.

She sighed a little and blinked awake. She looked a little confused taking in her surroundings.

“You carried me?” Her voice a little raspy from sleep.

“Last night, yeah.” He smiled. “It’s time to get up though. It’s a little early, but I figured you’d want a shower.”

She nodded and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

She let herself lean into him for a moment, still trying to get her mind to wake up.

He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“You alright?” He asked.

She nodded. “Just a little tired.”

She stood up and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.” She smiled and then took off to the bathroom.

He dropped them off at school and the day went relatively quickly. Before he knew it, he was picking them up.

“Good day?” He asked.

Clarke shrugged. “Glad it’s over.”

“Everything okay?” He asked, trying to reign in his concern.

“Yeah. Just a long day.” Octavia answered for her. “Hey, is it okay if Raven and Niylah come over for dinner?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He answered.

They rode home mostly in silence. Clarke leaned against him subtly and he took comfort in it.

When they got home Clarke helped him cook dinner and they sat down to eat once the girls were over.

“Oh, Bell.” Octavia started. “There’s a party tomorrow night that we wanted to go to. We may be home a little late.” She slid in easily.

He raised his eyebrows. “Are you asking or telling?”

She puffed a sigh. “Asking.” She drew out. “You’re such a grown up sometimes, it’s gross.”

“Where’s it at?” He ignored her comment.

“It’s at Jasper Jordan’s house.” Raven said.

“You wanna go?” He asked, looking to Clarke.

She kinda shrugged at him. She didn’t particularly feel like it was smart. But the girls were all excited for her to go and do something fun together.

“She wants to go, Bellamy. We’ve all been really excited.” Niylah said.

Bellamy sighed. He didn’t really like the idea of them at a party. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He said, honestly.

“Please, Bell. Pleeeaaase.” Octavia whined.

“Are there going to be actual grown adults there?” He asked.

“Of course!”

Clarke side eyed Octavia. There for sure wouldn’t be.

“I just don’t feel like now is a good time for it.” He said. “It’s a house party. There’s gonna be kids sneaking alcohol even with adults there.”

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want us t- ow!” Clarke yelped as Octavia kicked her under the table.

“But we _want_ to go.” Octavia emphasized.

He let out another sigh. “I know you do, but Octavia-“

“Bell, I promise, we’ll be good. We’ll all stick together and no drinking.”

He worked his jaw. He didn’t like the idea, but he didn’t want them to think he didn’t trust them. He looked at all of them closely. “No drinking? And you’re all together at all times?”

Octavia nodded hastily and Raven smiled. They had him. “No drinking, stick together. Easy enough.”

“Fine. But you’re home by midnight.” He agreed but didn’t sound happy.

The three girls squealed and jumped out of her chair, hugging him around the neck.

“I’m gonna go pick something out to wear!” She called as she ran up the stairs. “Come on!”

Raven and Niylah ran up the stairs, following her, but Clarke stayed behind.

Bellamy turned to her and she was just pushing the food around her plate.

“You gonna be alright?” He was referring to the party. He wasn’t an idiot and he knew there’d be alcohol there.

She made a face. “I hope so.”

Not really an answer. “You know you don’t have to go.”

“I know, but... they’re all really excited about us doing something together. I don’t wanna be the one to let them down.”

“You’ve gotta think about yourself too, Clarke.” He said concerned.

“I’ll be okay.” She smiled a little, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

She really wasn’t sure that she’d be okay. He could tell. She was trying to stay away from alcohol and here she was about to walk into a party full of temptation.

He wanted to tell her not to go, but he bit his tongue.

“Clarke!” Octavia yelled from the top of the stairs. “Come help us figure out what to wear.”

Clarke smiled at him. “Duty calls.”

She pushed herself out of the chair and followed Octavia to her room.

Later that night, he laid in bed, unable sleep. He had an uneasy feeling set in his gut that he couldn’t get rid of.

He heard a soft tap at his door and Clarke’s face peeked in. “You awake?” She whispered.

He responded by pulling back the sheets, leaving room for her to slide in next to him.

She quickly padded over and slid in, pressing her body into his.

Her ass nestled against his cock made it jump. He knew she could feel it harden at her back.

She turned and placed her hand on his cheek, pressing her lips to his. He pushed further into her on instinct. His hands pressing on her back so her body was flush with his. He rolled them gently, so his body on top of hers. He held enough of his weight on his arms so that he didn’t crush her, but let enough of it press against her so she could feel him.

She felt wetness pool between her legs immediately, her clit throbbing.

He deepened the kiss, his hand winding in her hair. His thigh was between her legs and she ground herself against up him, gasping into his mouth at the friction.

He rolled his on hips against her, letting her feel how hard he was and she scraped her nails down his arms, reveling in how his muscles flexed underneath her hands.

When he finally pulled back, he was breathing hard and let his eyes roam across her face. “God, you’re beautiful.” He whispered.

She felt her heart leap and tears surface. It was stupid to get emotional about, but no one had ever called her that before.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He whispered, running his thumb over her cheek.

She smiled and sniffed, shaking her head. “They’re good tears.” She assured.

He kissed her softer this time, and then pulled back again.

“I don’t wanna rush this.” His voice was husky and his eyes were dark. Fuck, he wanted her, but he really wanted to take it slow. Not that they had been so far, but...

His cock was almost painfully hard at this point.

“I want this, Bell.” She pressed herself against him again. “Please.”

It took every single bit of his will power not to give in. “Not yet, princess.”

She looked a little disappointed, a slight pout on her lips, but he shifted a bit and kissed her again and she didn’t hesitate to respond. He slid his hands under her shirt, slowly letting his hands roam up her soft skin until they found the curve of her breast.

She arched into him and her eyes fluttered shut. He brushed his palm across her nipple and he felt her body shiver. Moving his mouth to her neck, he kissed just under her ear, moving down slowly.

He slid his hand back down her stomach and under the waist band of her shorts. He let his fingers reach between her folds, spreading her wetness. She pressed her head back into the pillow and let out a breathy moan. He could still make her feel good. She grasped his hair as he slipped a finger inside of her, curling it up.

She writhed underneath him when he teased her clit with his thumb, brushing it lightly against her.

“Bellamy...” she sighed.

He pressed his thumb to her clit firmly then, rubbing it in circles, not stopping his finger inside her.

He moved his mouth over hers, quieting her moan.

He felt her muscles start to convulse and he knew she was close.

He pulled back to look at her. Her hair was splayed out around her and her cheeks were flushed.

“God, you look so fucking good like this.” He practically growled. He felt her body react to his voice. “Come on, baby. Come for me. Let me feel you.”

She let out a gasp and he felt her walls tighten around his fingers. He almost came just thinking about what that would feel like around his cock. She grasped his hair tightly and he had to kiss her again to swallow her cry.

He kept moving his fingers against her until he was sure she’d rode out her whole orgasm, then slipped his fingers out of her.

He brought them up to his mouth, tasting her and he watched as her eyes darkened even more.

She reached down and grasped him over his boxers and he let out a low groan, but grabbed her wrist.

“Let me touch you.” She whispered.

“You have no idea how much I want you to.” He managed.

“Then let me make you feel good.” She pushed against him and he let her, rolling to his back.

She moved down his body, pulling down his boxers enough for his cock to spring free and he closed his eyes in anticipation.

“Shit.” He cursed when he felt her tongue swirl around the tip. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching down and tangled a hand in her hair.

She closed her mouth around him and slid him further down her throat. He had to stop himself from thrusting his hips up for her to take more.

She couldn’t take all of him in, so she fisted her hand around the base, moving her hand in time with her head. She worked her tongue while she moved, swirling it on the tip as she reached the top, then went back down, repeating the motion.

“Fuck, baby.” He growled. He wasn’t going to last long, he’d already worked himself up from when he’d made her come.

He pushed her head farther down, filling her mouth more, wanting to feel more. She didn’t protest, taking as much as she could.

“Just relax your throat.” He told her softly. “Don’t tense up.” He coached her gently.

She must’ve listened, because he felt himself slide further down her throat.

He groaned and watched her through hooded eyes. “Fuck, yes. Just like that, princess.” He praised lowly.

He was close. He pulled against her hair in warning, but she didn’t let up.

“Clarke... I’m gonna come.” His voice shook and so did his body.

He felt her take him in even further and he thrust his hips up into her mouth. “Clarke...” He gave her one last warning and then came in her mouth.

“Clarke...” His whole body tensed and he knew he was probably gripping her hair too tightly, but she didn’t complain.

He felt her swallow around him, sucking until his orgasm subsided. She swirled her tongue around the tip one more time, making his body jerk, then pulled back to look up at him.

He let go of her hair, bringing both of his arms up. She laid herself in the crook of his shoulder as he caught his breath. His chest rising and falling deeply.

She ran her fingers over his chest, tracing invisible patterns. It sent a goosebumps across his skin and he wrapped his arm around her.

Once his breaths evened out, he leaned down to kiss her, tasting himself on her tongue.

When he pulled back, she laid her head back down, her eyes starting to drift shut.

“Night, princess.” He whispered.

She burrowed deeper into him and let out a sleepy sigh. “Night, Bell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super excited for the next chapter guys! Warning that it will be darker and will have trigger warnings.


	10. ~ When The Party’s Over ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: darker chapter here. Lots of triggers apply and it’s very emotional.

Bellamy rolled, hitting snooze on his blaring phone alarm and rolled back to Clarke, burying his face into her hair.

He let himself lay there until the alarm went off again, then rolled out of bed.

He went to the other side of the bed and brushed the hair out of Clarke’s eyes.

She must’ve already been waking up, because her eyes fluttered open. “Morning.” She smiled softly.

“Morning.” He grinned back at her.

She sat up and stretched.

“Do I need to pick you guys up from school later?” He asked.

“No, Octavia wants us to get ready at Niylah’s.”

“Of course she does.” He huffed.

“They’re sweet together.” Clarke told him.

“They are.” He agreed. “She’s good for her.”

“You’re good for me.” She walked to stand in front of him.

“I’m trying to be.” He admitted.

She leaned up to kiss him, gently. “Thank you.” She whispered.

He kissed her head. “You’re welcome, princess.”

She made an amused face at him. “What do you keep calling me that for?”

He smirked and shrugged. “You look like a princess.”

She laughed. “Shut up.”

“You do.” He wrapped his arm around her from behind, resting his head over her shoulder. “You’re beautiful.”

“You’re the only person that’s ever said that to me.” She admitted quietly.

He didn’t understand how no one had ever told her that before. She was gorgeous.

People didn’t use the word beautiful though. Girls had called her pretty, guys had called her hot, or sexy, but... never beautiful.

“Well you are.” He confirmed, kissing her cheek.

She smiled and turned to kiss him. “I’ve gotta go get ready.” She pulled his hand with her, letting it fall when their arms were stretched as far as they could reach.

He watched her leave with a soft look on his face.

He slid his clothes on and Octavia’s head popped in his door. “Did she sleep in here?”

“Christ, O.” He complained. “You really need to learn how to knock.”

“Why? Afraid I’m gonna walk in and see you and Clarke locking lips?” She shot, playfully.

_“No.”_ He said matter of factly. “Maybe I don’t want you to walk in and see me naked one day.”

“With Clarke?” She teased.

“Get out.” He threw a pair of socks at her playfully.

She giggled and shut the door, before the socks could hit her.

The ride to school was mostly silent, but comfortable and content.

“You guys be careful tonight, please.” He said when they pulled in. “Call me if you need anything and stay out of trouble.”

“Yeah, yeah. We know the rules.” She hopped out and turned away. “We’ll see you tonight.”

He rolled her eyes at her dismissal. She was such a teenager sometimes.

Clarke turned to him and he looked at her with a worried face.

“Are you sure you should go?” He asked.

She shook her head. “No. I’m not... but they want me to try, so I’ll try.”

He sighed, but nodded. “Okay. Just-“

“Be careful?” She suggested, teasing.

He huffed a little. “Yes. Be careful.”

“I will.” She gave his hand a quick squeeze and jumped out, taking off after Octavia.

After Bellamy got off work, he invited Murphy over to hang out since he didn’t have to get the girls. Plus, he didn’t really feel like being alone all night.

The girls all piled in Niylah’s car, heading to her house to get ready.

“I hope Shaw is there tonight.” Raven grinned.

“I’ll bet you do.” Clarke laughed.

“But,” She said. “I’m keeping my eyes open for other prospects as well. Can’t limit myself.”

“What about you, Clarke?” Niylah asked, thinking she was sly.

“I’m just coming to have fun. No prospects.”

“She already has a prospect.” Octavia grinned. “And he won’t be at the party.”

“Mm, yeah.” Raven said, nudging her. “How’s that going.”

She rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t keep the grin off her face.

“They’ve been spending the night together.” Octavia said, peaking at Clarke through the rear view mirror.

“How’s the sex?” Raven asked, excited.

“Ew, please, don’t answer that.” Octavia deadpanned.

“We haven’t had sex.” Clarke said honestly.

“Yeah, because the noises I heard coming from his room last night were totally _not_ sex noises.” Octavia said sarcastically.

“I’m serious.” She defended. “He’s...” she shrugged with a small smile. “He’s not some teenage boy and... I don’t know, he cares about me.”

Octavia smiled, watching the road in front of them and Raven sighed wistfully. “I wish I could find that.”

“You should try girls.” Niylah suggested, wiggling her eyebrows.

“That’s not all it’s cracked up to be either.” Clarke said, thinking of Lexa.

They got to the house and it took them way longer than it should have to get ready, of course.

Clarke wore a pair of black ankle boots, and a short, navy blue dress that hugged her waist and ass, with her jacket over it until they got into the party. She layered a couple of bracelets, hiding the marks on her wrists.

Her phone buzzed as they walked in the party and she glanced at it. Her mom. She looked around to make sure the girls weren’t paying any attention and opened the text.

‘You made your father angry. You made a big mistake leaving.’

She sighed. Cryptic. She wasn’t going to let it ruin her night though. She shook her head clear and shoved her phone away.

She smiled as Monty and Jasper came up, red cups in hand. Clarke peaked in the glasses. Clear liquid.

“That’s not beer.” She commented.

“Moonshine.” Jasper grinned goofily. “Here.” They tried to give them each a glass, but Clarke put her hand out.

“I’m good for now. Thanks.”

He looked a little surprised, but shrugged, tipping the glass back himself. Raven, however took the cup from Monty and took a huge sip.

She laughed and pulled Raven’s hand towards the living room, Octavia and Niylah going their own way. The furniture had been pushed to the back wall, leaving room for dancing.

“Ooh.” Raven said, grasping Clarke’s arm with the hand that wasn’t holding her moonshine. “Look, there he is.”

Clarke turned to see Shaw, he was a newer transfer from somewhere out of state, and Raven has her sights set.

“You’re right. He’s cute. You should talk to him.” Clarke smiled.

“I should.” Raven let go of her arm, heading straight to him.

She sat on the couch, feeling a little awkward. Her phone buzzed again.

‘You blocked your own father? Do you know everything that we’ve done for you? I don’t know how we raised such an ungrateful child.’

She blinked. _Don’t let it get to you_, she told herself.

She wasn’t a failure. She was about to graduate high school. She had a job, not a great one, but she had one. She just hadn’t figured out the right path for herself yet.

She swallowed and looked up to see Finn sink on the couch next to her.

“Can you not?” She asked, annoyed.

“Can I not what? Sit down?” He grinned.

“You’re disgusting.” She rolled her eyes, looking away from him.

He pushed a drink at her. “Here. Brought you a drink. Your hand looks empty.” He smirked. “I’ve got something else I could fill it with, too.” He ran his hand up here thigh and she smacked it away.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She asked angry.

“What?” He asked innocently.

“Hey!” Ravens voice interrupted them. “Clarke, I need you in the bathroom.”

“Thank god.” She said getting up.

Raven grabbed her hand and practically dragged her to the bathroom. “Are you alright?” She asked shutting the door.

“He’s just a douche bag.” She brushed it off.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone.” Raven apologized.

“It’s not your fault.” Clarke told her. “You’re not here to babysit me.”

“Yeah, but we’re all here to have fun together.”

Clarke smiled and nodded, and they went back to the party.

Raven and Clarke danced together for a while, stopping after a while to take a break. Lexa came up to her as they stood by the drinks.

“Want a drink, sexy?” Lexa purred into her ear.

“She’s good.” Raven said over Clarke’s shoulder. “Thanks anyway.”

Lexa stepped back and glared at Raven, who came to wrap her arm around Clarke’s waist. Clarke played into it leaning her head into Raven’s neck with a smirk.

Lexa glared a moment longer, before stalking off.

They both laughed as she left.

Raven rolled her eyes. “God, she’s a joy, isn’t she?”

Clarke shrugged, but thought of Finn. “There’s worse out there.”

Clarke’s phone buzzed with a call this time. It was a number she didn’t know.

She stepped outside, Raven following her, and answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Clarke.”

Her blood ran cold. She knew that voice. Her face must have looked panicked, because Raven grabbed her arm. “Clarke? What is it?”

“Dad?” She asked, even though she knew.

Raven’s face dropped and she gripped Clarke tighter. “Clarke, hang up the phone.” She said urgently.

“You blocked my number.” He said tonelessly.

Her lip quivered. She was frozen with the phone to her ear.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about that threat you made. About going to the police.” He confirmed. “And you wanna know what I think?”

Her whole body started to shake.

“Clarke, _please_, hang up the phone.” Raven begged.

“I think you don’t have the guts to do it.” He spat. “Fucking cowardly little bitch.”

She felt a single tear fall, but she still couldn’t move.

“So I was thinking, I may just come back.” He made his voice, eerily light. “Because, you know, even if you do go to the police, who are they going to believe? The 17 year old addicted to alcohol and probably on drugs? Or the successful business man with his wife to back him up?”

“You’re useless.” He said crudely. “It’s only a matter of time before the Blake’s realize that too and you’re out on your ass again. They don’t care about you. _No one does_.”

Her heart was beating so hard that she was convinced she would pass out. He knew where she was staying. And was he right? Would they realize that she wasn’t worth helping- wasn’t worth saving?

Her grip was tight on the phone, her knuckles turning white.

“Maybe I’ll see you soon.” A simple enough statement if anyone had been listening, but to her... it was a threat.

She let the phone slowly fall from her ear and Raven grabbed it, ending the call and taking the phone. She quickly went and blocked the number before handing it back to Clarke. “Hey, are you okay? What’d he say?”

Clarke blinked, wiping a tear away with a shaky hand. “Yeah.” Her voice shook. “I’m okay. Let’s- let’s go back inside. It’s cold out here.”

“Clarke, _what_ did he say?” Raven asked again, clearly concerned.

“Nothing. It’s fine.” She said, almost sounding like she was in a trance. “Let’s go.”

She walked inside and Raven followed, unsure.

Clarke walked up to Lexa, grabbing the drink out of her hand.

“Shit.” Raven cursed. “Clarke!” But it was too late.

“I think I will take that drink.” Clarke said, tipping it back. Lexa grinned and grabbed her waist.

“How about a dance too?” Lexa said, leaning closer to her ear.

“Clarke, what are you doing?” Raven asked, trying to grab her.

“Being useless.” She whispered, clearly spiraling down to a place she didn’t need to go.

“Clarke...” Raven didn’t know what to say, but she didn’t have much of a chance before Clarke pulled her arm from her, grabbing another glass of moonshine and heading with Lexa to dance.

Raven swallowed, upset and sat back against the wall to keep an eye on her. She didn’t know what else to do. They couldn’t stop her when she got like this. All she could do was make sure Lexa didn’t try to slip her any of the drugs that she was into.

‘Need help.’ Raven texted Octavia and Niylah.

15 minutes later, Clarke had downed 2 more cups of moonshine on an empty stomach and she was grinding against Lexa.

“What the hell is she doing?!” Octavia yelled over the music, as she walked up to Raven.

Raven shook her head, not looking away from Clarke. “Her dad called.”

“What?” Octavia’s eyes widened. “Why did she answer?”

“He called from an unknown number. She didn’t know.” Raven bit her lower lip and looked at Octavia. “Now look at her.”

“What did he say?” Niylah asked.

“I don’t know.” Raven pushed down tears, a little drunk from before this all started. “I tried to get her to hang up, but... I couldn’t. She was like, frozen.”

Octavia and Niylah were clearly feeling it as well.

“We’ve got to get her out of here.” Niylah slurred a little.

“None of us can drive! _She _was supposed to be our driver.” Raven said.

“Shit! Bellamy’s gonna be pissed.” Octavia’s temper got short when she was drunk. “Why did you let her drink?” She yelled at Raven.

“You think this is _my fault_?!” She yelled back. “I tried to stay with her and help her! Meanwhile, you two are god knows where, fucking around! We shouldn’t have brought her here!”

Clarke walked in their direction, stumbling a little.

“Guys,” the word was drawn out. “_Why_ are we _yelling_?” Her eyes were glazed over and she looked... rough.

“Did you take something?” Raven asked, suddenly alarmed. She’d taken her eyes off of her to yell at Octavia.

Clarke brushed her off. “I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I asked.” Raven said firmly.

“We’re going. Now.” Octavia said grabbing her.

“No.” Clarke yanked her arm away. “I’m not going anywhere. I have no where to go.” She said, sounding angry and sad at the same time.

“So, _what_?” Octavia asked. “You’re gonna stay here with her?”

“Maybe.” She swayed a bit.

“You’re not.” Raven said.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You can’t stop me.”

“Clarke, you can’t.” Octavia tried.

“Why?!” Clarke finally yelled. “Why do you act like you care? You don’t.” Tears filled her eyes. “None of you do! My dad is right.”

Tears sprang to Octavia’s own eyes. “That’s not true, Clarke. Don’t let him get in your head.”

“He’s already there!” She cried. “I can’t get him out, Octavia. Don’t you get that?” She yelled desperately. “Because he’s right. I’m useless!” She took a deep breath and lowered her voice. “I’m useless.”

Raven and Octavia were both crying.

“You’re not.” Ravens voice broke.

Clarke shook her head. “I need some air.”

She brushed past all of them, running outside.

•

Bellamy and Murphy were fucking around with video games, eating pizza in between kills.

“Aw, you bitch!” Murphy complained as Bellamy got a kill shot on him.

He felt his phone buzz. Octavia.

He scrunched his face a bit, surprised she was calling him while she was at a party.

“Hey, O.” He answered.

“Bell?”

He sat up straight immediately, hearing the tears in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

Murphy looked over, concerned.

“It’s Clarke.” She sobbed. “I don’t know what to do- I- we tried to stop her- and I- I don’t know if she took anything- we tried-“

He stood up, a feeling of sheer terror running through him. “Octavia, slow down.” He tried to keep his voice calm, but he was already grabbing his keys to run out the door. “What happened?”

He didn’t understand her response. “Octavia, you _have_ to calm down. Where’s Clarke?”

“Bellamy?” He sighed little in relief, Niylah’s voice coming through the phone, not completely calm, but at least understandable.

“Niylah, what the hell is going on?” He motioned for Murphy to follow him and they jumped in his truck.

“It’s Clarke. Something happened. We... none of us can drive and Clarke... Bellamy, you need to get here.”

He was already barreling down the road, hoping like hell that he was going the right direction. “I’m already on my way. Have Octavia text Murphy the address.”

“Okay.” She said, her voice shaking and hung up.

“What happened?” Murphy asked.

“I don’t know.” He tried his best to keep his voice steady, but his body was rigid. _“Fuck.”_

“Well, relax, alright?” Murphy tried cautiously. “We don’t need to die on the way there.”

Murphy’s phone went off and he plugged it into the gps. Luckily, they had been going the right way.

It wasn’t too far, maybe 10 minutes at most, but to Bellamy it felt like hours. The house was secluded, and the gravel driveway had to have been half a mile long. Gravel slung as he slammed the truck to a stop, barely even putting it in park before jumping out.

When he pulled up, he felt his anger grow with his worry. There were definitely no adults here. There was trash littering the yard and kids stumbling in and out of the house, drunk as could be.

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill them.” He said under his breath, slamming the door shut.

Octavia and Niylah ran up to him. He grabbed Octavia’s arms and gave her a little shake. She was drunk off her ass and in hysterics.

“O, what happened? Where’s Clarke and Raven?”

“I should’ve been with her.” Octavia cried. “I shouldn’t have left her- I-“

He looked to Niylah, his eyes pleading for an explanation.

“Her dad called her.” She said somberly. “Raven was with her. We don’t know what happened.”

“Fuck.” He let Octavia go and ran a hand through his hair, feeling more stressed than he could remember. He’d have time to be pissed at them all for drinking this much and for lying, later. “How did he call? His number is blocked.”

“Unknown number.” She said sadly. “She just started yelling, saying... saying all sorts of things. We- we think she took something. She won’t tell us what.”

“Where is she?” His voice was frantic and full of anger and fear.

“Oh, fuck.” He heard Murphy say. “Bell.” He pointed to the house and saw Clarke storming/stumbling out of the house.

That Finn kid was behind her and Raven was trailing not far behind. He heard her yell and she turned around, pushing Finn so hard that he fell.

Bellamy’s feet were moving before he could think about it.

He ran straight to Clarke, everybody else following behind him.

Finn stood up to walk back towards her, but Murphy blocked him. “Something I can help you with?” Murphy asked.

“Who the hell’re you?” Finn slurred.

“You should just go inside before I have to show you.” He threatened.

Finn grunted. “Fine. Bitch isn’t worth it anyway.”

“Fuck you, Finn!” Clarke yelled, charging at him.

“Hey!” Bellamy caught her around the waist and pulled her back. She was surprisingly strong for being drunk. “Clarke, _relax_.”

“Let go!” She pushed him roughly and against his better judgement, he did let go.

She was breathing hard and her eyes were red.

“Hey, calm down, alright?” He tried softly.

“No! I won’t calm down!” She yelled. “Fuck!” She shook her head and backed up. “He thinks he can fucking use me. Fuck him!”

Murphy was trying to thin the crowd that was starting to gather around them. “All of you fuckers inside now! Before I call the god damn cops.” He yelled.

The threat of that was enough to make them scatter.

Bellamy kept his eyes on Clarke. She was just wearing her dress, no jacket and it was freezing out.

“Clarke, listen to me.” He held his hands up, showing he wasn’t going to grab her, but he did step towards her. “Let’s just get in the truck and go home.”

She shook her head and he watched as a few tears fell. “I don’t have a home.” She whispered, voice cracking.

God, this hurt him.

“That’s not true.” He pressed out, struggling to keep his voice steady.

“My dad was right.” She nodded. “Your mom was right. I’m no good for anyone.”

“You know that’s not true!” Octavia cried trying to walk to her.

Clarke backed up, closing her eyes tightly and Bellamy grabbed Octavia, moving her back. Whatever Clarke had taken had made her violent.

“Get in the car.” He told her, angry. He didn’t have enough patience for all of this. She looked like she was going to argue, but he turned to Niylah first. “Give me your keys.”

She fumbled in her jacket pocket and handed them to him. He threw them to Murphy and turned to all of the girls. “Get in the car. _Now_. All of you.”

They slunk to the car, all of them in tears. He’d deal with them later.

He turned back around to see Clarke sinking to her knees.

He walked towards her and she shook her head. “Don’t.” She warned. “Just stay away.”

It took everything in him to listen, pausing before he reached her. He didn’t know his heart could hurt so much for another person until he looked at her, falling apart on the ground.

“Clarke,” He said kneeling down in front of her, but making sure not to touch her. “Whatever he said, it’s not true.”

“It _is _true.” She argued, not looking up. “And now he wants to come back and I-“ she broke off and sobbed. “He’s right. Nobody cares.”

_“I care.”_ He couldn’t keep his voice from cracking.

She didn’t seem to hear him. “They’re both right.” She cried. “I fuck everything up. I- I don’t- deserve anything.”

“Please, lets just go, Clarke.” He pleaded. “You need to sleep it off.”

“No.” She stood back up and wrapped her arms around herself.

He slowly followed, standing up himself.

“I should’ve taken the pills.” She muttered.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“She was right. Now my dad is gonna come back and he’s gonna kill me.”

“Clarke, I will not let him hurt you.” He forced out, stepping carefully towards her.

“He is. You can’t stop him.” She shook her head.

If he could just touch her, get her attention on him, maybe he could talk her down.

“I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance.” She whispered quietly.

“Please, get in the truck, Clarke.” He tried once more.

He didn’t know what to do. The soft approach wasn’t working.

The way she was acting, moving, the things she was saying... he was scared.

“Clarke, what did you take?” He was scared to hear her answer, his voice still shaking.

“It doesn’t matter.” She said, angrily. “It won’t do what I want it to do.” Her voice cracked at that.

Whatever she took, it wasn’t a relaxing drug.

“She took Angel Dust.” A voice answered behind him.

He turned to see some teenage girl with long brown hair. “She wanted it.” The girl said.

Anger ran through him. “You fucking gave her PCP?” He didn’t know the girl he was now yelling at, and really didn’t care to. “How many did she take?!”

“Keep her away from me.” Clarke said, angry, running a hand roughly through her hair and starting to pace. Her entire body was shaking, from the drugs or cold, he wasn’t sure.

“She only took one.” The girl said.

Clarke was mumbling to herself, pacing, looking like a caged animal.

Murphy moved from where he had been standing to the side and grabbed the girls arm, gently pushing her back. “You should go.”

She jerked her arm away. “I’m _going_. Get your hands off me.” She turned and stalked away.

Bellamy turned back to her, knowing full well she could get violent.

_Here goes nothing_, he thought.  


He walked towards her and grabbed her arms, before she could yank them away. Being drunk and high, her reaction time wasn’t nearly quick enough to stop him.

She tried to fight him, tried to sink her body to the ground. “Get off of me!” She yelled, completely out of control.

He brought her body against his, having no choice but to be a little rough.

“Clarke, _stop_.” He hated it, grabbing her against her will, having to manhandle her.

“Leave me alone, please!” She pleaded through tears. “I hate you!”

He knew the drugs were hurting her. Trying not to be affected by her words, he trapped both her hands in one of his and pulled her body to him with the other. “Hey, look at me.” He shook her, trying to get her attention, and leaned his head down closer to hers.

She stopped fighting all at once, her body shaking and her eyes squeezed shut.

“Clarke,” He tried again, breathing hard. “Look at me.” He brought his voice down lower, but kept it dominate.

She took a minute, but finally complied. He had to catch his breath. She looked so distressed, so full of confusion and fear.

“Listen to me.” He moved the hand on her back to the side of her neck, trying not to think about how cold she felt. He brought his voice down, almost to a growl. “You can hate me all you want, but right now, you’re getting in that god damn truck and coming home. You understand?”

Pain flashed through her eyes. “I don’t hate you...” She cried softly. “I love you.”

His heart jumped. She was drunk. She was high. She didn’t know what she was saying.

He found himself, despite all the shit happening in the moment, wanting to say it back. But this was not the place _or_ time for that.

“Then get in truck, baby. _Please_.” He kept his eyes on hers, pleading with her, his voice softening at her words.

She looked at him, a couple more tears falling, then finally nodded.

He sighed in relief and slowly released her arms.

She grabbed onto him though, so much different then moments ago and he helped her unstable body to the truck. He shut the door once she was in, leaning his head against it for a second, trying to get his breathing under control.

When he finally turned around, Murphy walked up to him.

He looked at the car that the girls were in and sighed.

“Can you take them...” He trailed off. _Take them where?_ Raven’s parents would be home and so would Niylah’s, and neither of them would be happy with them coming home drunk, carted by a grown man they didn’t know.

“I’ll take them to my place.” Murphy said. “I’ve got the extra room and a couch. We’ll figure it out... just go take care of her.” He said motioning to the truck.

He nodded. “Thanks. I’ll bring you your car tomorrow.” He told him.

Murphy nodded and got in the passenger seat of Niylah’s Honda, taking off.

He let himself breathe for a minute. The party was still going, music still thumping loudly. He had half a mind to call the cops. Fucking kids handing out drugs. He tried one last time to take a calming breath and climbed in the truck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t mean to leave you guys hanging, but next chapter on Monday. Thanks again for the comments and kudos! You guys are awesome! ❤️


	11. ~ Falling Apart ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another emotional chapter. Fair warning that the next will be the same as far as that goes. This chapter is shorter, but the next will be much longer!

The truck was still on since he’d gotten out in such a rush, so luckily it was still warm inside from the heater.

He looked over to see her body still shivering, so he shrugged off his jacket and placed it over her.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She whispered crying, but she was looking out the windshield.

He didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. To make _himself_ feel better.

“C’mere.” He pulled her gently to him, bringing her down so her head was resting on his lap.

It was illegal. It was dangerous. But honestly, if it helped her, he didn’t care. He’d drive careful.

He heard her take a shuttering breath and she closed her eyes, curling into herself.

He drove slower than usual, not wanting to risk anything. He kept his hand resting in her hair while he drove. His body was still tense, and still feeling terrified.

He was surprised when he pulled up to the house and she hadn’t fallen asleep. That shit had worked her up good.

He turned off the truck and leaned his back against the headrest for a second, just trying to breathe.

He felt her sit up and could feel her eyes on him. Slowly he opened his own to look at her.

She didn’t know what to say. Her whole body hurt, her _heart_ hurt because she knew she’d hurt him and she couldn’t do anything to erase what was already done.

She was still so fucked up, but the anger she’d felt was gone. Now she just felt sadness.

She opened her mouth and he stopped her.

“Not tonight, okay?” His voice was so tight. He sounded tired and hurt and... disappointed.

She wasn’t high or drunk enough to miss that.

She let a tear slip and nodded.

He opened the door and helped her out, her body still shaking and her vision not clear. She couldn’t see straight.

He made sure to lock the door behind him and when they got to the stairs, he picked her up to carry her. She didn’t protest, wrapping her arms around his neck and her head slightly swaying. He sat her on her feet when he reached his bedroom.

He stripped to his boxers without a word, then looked to her.

“You think you can take a shower?” He asked her, keeping his voice quiet.

“Could you...” she started to whisper. “Could you stay in there with me?”

His heart sped up at her request. She sounded so unsure and vulnerable.

Even now he couldn’t tell her no.

He nodded at her and walked into the bathroom.

She struggled with the zipper on her dress, stumbling a little bit before Bellamy brought his hands to her back.

He unzipped the dress and unclasped her bra for her. She let them both fall to the floor, keeping her back to him. She turned on the water and stepped out of her underwear.

The water hadn't heated up yet, still running cold, but she stepped in anyway. Probably a mistake, she thought as her body shuddered. It turned hot quickly though. Everything ran back through her mind. Taking the drink from Lexa, taking the drugs, yelling at the girls, pushing Finn... fighting with Bellamy. Telling him she hated him.

She slid to the ground, letting out a sob.

“Clarke?” She heard Bellamy’s worried voice, but she couldn’t get any words out.

He pulled back the curtain and slid in behind her, wrapping his arms around her body. He moved to turn the water to a cooler temperature. She’d been letting it burn her.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. Having him hold her was what she needed.

He let his own tears fall silently and kissed her head. He didn’t think he’d ever felt such severe anxiety before.

“I’m so sorry.” She sobbed. “Bellamy, I- I didn’t mean it- I-“

“Shhh.” He hushed her, softly. “I know. I’ve got you. It’ll be okay.” His voice cracked and he sniffed, but he held her tightly, trying to stay steady.

She wasn’t sure how long they sat there while her sobs slowed down, but eventually the water ran cold and he reached behind them to turn it off.

He stood, unwinding himself from her and grabbed her a towel. He grabbed her hand to help her stand, wrapping it around her.

She carefully stepped out, still feeling a little unsure of her footing.

“I’ve got you.” He told her, grabbing her hand to steady her.

He sat her down on the toilet seat and let her dry while he went to get her clothes.

She walked into the room carefully, towel still wrapped around her and sat on the bed.

He’d changed into dry, clean boxers.

“Arms up.” He said, walking to her with one his shirts.

She looked at him for a moment. His eyes were red and he looked... defeated. She finally complied, letting the towel go and letting him slip the shirt over her head.

She couldn’t tell if he was mad at her. He was upset, that much was clear. But... did he hate her?

She hated herself. She wanted to ask him, but he’d said _‘not tonight’,_ so she didn’t.

“Do you want me to leave?” She whispered, scared.

His face scrunched up. “No.” He wanted to know how she could even think that. “The _last_ thing I want right now is for you to leave.” He told her.

He could tell there was so much she wanted to say- to ask, but he knew a conversation tonight wouldn’t be good for either of them.

He turned the light off, then sat down on the bed and slid under the covers, taking a deep breath once his head hit the pillow.

When he didn’t feel her lie down, he looked up. She was standing there, looking lost.

“Are you mad at me?” Her voice cracked- she couldn’t stop herself from talking after all.

It felt like someone had cut his heart open. She looked so broken, so scared, the moonlight the only thing lighting her face.

She was afraid. Afraid that he didn’t want her. Afraid her dad was right.

“No, baby. I’m not mad.” He took a deep breath to keep his emotions in check. Truthfully he _wasn’t_ mad at her. He was a lot of things, but mad wasn’t one of them. “Just come here.”

She slowly made her way to the bed and slid under the covers. Her body trembled slightly.

She laid on her side, facing away from him and let out a sob as his arm came around her waist to pull her close.

“You don’t hate me?” She whispered.

He didn’t know how much more his heart could crack without breaking completely.

He kissed the back of hair, squeezing his eyes shut and holding her closer. “I don’t hate you.” He whispered back.

Her body seemed to relax at that and eventually, he felt her breaths even out, letting sleep claim her.

His mind felt like chaos. As much anxiety and fear as he felt, he was exhausted. He let himself just feel her body against his, telling himself that she was alive and safe in his arms now.

_“I love you.”_ He whispered in the dark, finally letting sleep take him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys hanging in there? I may not update again until Saturday, but may decide to on Thursday lol. We’ll see!


	12. ~ Us Against The World ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was very emotional to write. A lot of feeling went into it and I definitely wanted to approach it in the right way- how they both would react and feel the next morning. I hope it comes across in the way I planned it to and I hope you guys love it.
> 
> Coldplay’s Us Against The World inspired the fics title and is worked into this chapter.

He woke up still feeling tired, but he couldn’t go back to sleep. There was too much on his mind. He uncurled from Clarke and grabbed his phone sending a text to Murphy. It was 9:00, so he was sure the girls would still be asleep.

‘Hey, girls okay?’ He asked.

His phone buzzed two minutes later with a picture message. They were all three crammed in the same bed, draped over each other.

‘All good. Still passed out.’ Murphy responded.

‘Thanks man.’

‘Everything good over there?’

He sighed and ran a hand over his beard. ‘She’s sleeping right now.’ He thought a second before sending a second text. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘You love her, right?’

He didn’t have to think about that answer and he trusted Murphy, so he answered. ‘Yes’

‘Then just be there for her... love her. Don’t give up on her. Sounds like she’s had it rough for a while. She won’t get better over night.’

‘What if she doesn’t want it? What if I’m not enough?’

‘Bell... she’s not your mom. She loves you. She said so last night.’

He sighed again. Murphy was right. ‘I know. I’ll call you later.’

He put his phone down and sighed, rolling out of bed.

He decided to take a shower and then pulled on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, climbing out to the roof with his guitar.

He needed some kind of release.

He played the first song that came to his mind... one that seemed to fit.

“_Oh morning come bursting, the clouds amen_

_ Lift off this blindfold, let me see again _

_ Bring back the water, let your ships roll in _

_ In my heart she left a hole _

_ The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties _

_ The devil as he's talking with those angel's eyes _

_ And I just want to be there when the lightning strikes _

_ And the saints go marching in“ _

Clarke woke up to the soft sound of him singing. The events of last night came rushing back to her and she wished she could forget it all. She’d never felt so ashamed before.

Wrapping a blanket around her, she climbed out to the roof and hesitantly sat close to him.

He didn’t acknowledge her presence, but he didn’t move away or quit playing, so she just looked out at the sky with her knees pulled to her chest.

_ “And sing slow it down _

_ Through chaos as it swirls _

_ It's us against the world _

_ Like a river to a raindrop, I lost a friend _

_ My drunken hazard Daniel in a lion's den _

_ And tonight I know it all has to begin again _

_ So whatever you do, don't let go“ _

His voice cracked at the end of the verse and she tried to swallow back her tears.

_ “And if we could float away _

_ Fly up to the surface and just start again _

_ And lift off before trouble _

_ Just erodes us in the rain _

_ Just erodes us in the rain _

_ Just erodes us and see roses in the rain _

_ Sing slow it down _

_ Slow it down“ _

She couldn’t stop them. She let the tears fall silently down her face. She didn’t know if it was his voice or the lyrics or both, but she felt like it was killing her. 

_ “Through chaos as it swirls _

_ It's us against the world _

_ Through chaos as it swirls _

_ It's us against the world“ _

And it really felt like that. It felt like when it was just the two of them here, safe and alone, everything was perfect. The chaos and fear came when they had to go out into the world.

He played the last cords and she finally looked to him to see tears falling down his own face. It hurt. It hurt worse because _she _made him like this. She hurt him.

She sniffed, turning back to the sky.

He closed his eyes and set the guitar to the side. Taking a deep breath he pulled his own knees to his chest, then looked out at the sky- both of them scared to look at the other.

He didn’t bother to wipe his tears and she didn’t bother to wipe hers.

“I shouldn’t have let you go.” He rasped after a few minutes.

She shook her head. “You didn’t want me to go. What I did... It’s not your fault, Bellamy.” Her voice was shaky, but stern.

_“It is.”_ He sniffed and brushed the bottom of his nose. “I knew what would be there and I let you go, but I...” He trailed off and swallowed hard. “Why’d you take the drugs?” He asked, still not looking at her.

She shook her head after a minute. “I... I had him in my head. When he called-“ her voice broke and she had to clear her throat. “I don’t know what happened. He said that I was useless and that it was only a matter of time before you realized that too.” She sniffed and took a deep breath. “That you’d leave me and I-”

_I broke_. She wanted to say.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to swallow some of the emotion down.

“You know I’m not like him.” He ran a hand through his hair and bit the inside of his cheek.

“You are _nothing_ like him.” She whispered in agreement.

“The way you sounded last night... it sounded like my mom.” His voice cracked.

She closed her eyes and took in a sharp breath, holding it in, trying to stop a sob. Hearing the pain in his voice was too much.

“I know.” She forced out.

“I don’t want that for you, Clarke.” He turned to finally look at her and she couldn’t help but meet his gaze. “I don’t want you to sound like that. I-“ He looked at her and shook his head, not able to stop his tears. “I don’t want you to end up like her. I couldn’t help her...”

She looked away and tried to hold back another sob. Seeing him like this hurt so much worse than she had hurt last night.

“You are _so_ much better than that.” He continued. “My mom... she didn’t love us enough to want to get better. Didn’t love herself enough. Maybe _I_ didn’t love her enough.” He shrugged through tears.

Clarke shook her head. “You can’t blame yourself- For what she did, for what _I_ did... Bellamy, I’m so sorry.” She cried. “I freaked out and I- I should’ve called you to come get me. I should’ve left, but I... I didn’t, because I was afraid he was right. And I just- I feel like this world is dragging me into a storm... Like everything wants to push me back down.” She cried softly. She stopped to catch her breath and gave him a sad shrug. “You’re the only thing that helps and I... the thought of losing you terrifies me.”

He swallowed again and searched her face, his hands finding the side of her neck, winding in her hair. She let her hand move over his and pressed it harder against her.

“Then you have to find me, Clarke.” He said desperately. “No matter what. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, or what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter.” He moved his face closer to hers. “I will always come, okay? I promise you.”

She tried to hold back another sob and nodded.

“Now I need you to promise _me_.” He said sternly. “Promise me that before you do anything like that again, you’ll find me. Because I can’t- I can’t take it Clarke... hearing you talk like that, _seeing_ you like that...” he took a shaky breath. “I can’t take it.”

She brought their heads together, reaching her hand to the back of his neck. “I promise.” She whispered.

He let out a relieved sob at her words and nodded against her. His grip on her neck was tight, but she didn’t complain.

“I’m so sorry that I said those things.” She cried softly. “I didn’t mean them... I don’t wanna die.” She admitted. “I just don’t wanna feel this way anymore.”

“I know, baby.” He leaned back and moved up to kiss her forehead. “I know.” He pulled her into him, the strength of his arms almost enough to crush her, but she held onto him just as desperately.

“No more answering unknown numbers. Nothing he says is true, you hear me?” He rasped into her hair. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He managed to pull back enough to look in her eyes. “I love you.” He admitted easily. “I don’t wanna lose you.”

Her breath caught. She’d said it to him last night in her breakdown, but she’d meant it. And here he was saying it back.

Everything in her wanted to believe him. His eyes were sure and he held her gaze, but she still founding herself asking. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, right?”

He shook his head. “I’m not just saying it.” He confirmed. “Clarke, _I love you_.” He emphasized, another tear falling.

She let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding and nodded. “I love you too.” She cried.

He pressed his lips to hers, forcefully. He needed her. He needed to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her skin against his. He pushed her body down and covered it with his, pulling the part of the blanket that she wasn’t laying on over them.

His tongue pushed into her mouth eagerly and she opened it to him. Her heart was pounding erratically and she brought her shaking hands up to his hair.

Every part of her body felt like it was on fire and he moved to her neck, sucking on the hollow of it where it met her shoulder. She let her eyes stay closed, pushing his head into her hard.

His hands slid under her shirt and she let out a soft sigh as his rough hands slid up her sides. She felt him harden, his cock twitching against her lower stomach and she she grabbed his hair, using it to pull his lips back to hers.

He didn’t hesitate, kissing her hard and grinding his hips into hers. She gasped into his mouth and he grabbed her hair with one of his hands, pulling her head back to give himself full access to her neck.

They both needed this- needed to feel the other, to convince each other that this was real and they were both okay.

He pushed up her shirt and broke far enough away to pull it over her head, then pulled his sweatshirt off.

Her noises were driving him insane. He moved his mouth to her nipple, circling around it with his tongue. He felt it come to a hard peak and he sucked hard on it before biting softly. She gasped again and arched her body into his, wanting more.

Without moving his mouth from her breast, he grabbed her hand and moved it to his cock and she immediately squeezed it in response. He pulled his mouth off of her and helped her push down his pants and boxers, feeling a sense of urgency. His mouth found hers again and he lifted her hips up to get her underwear off.

He squeezed her ass firmly and pressed her up against him, letting her feel how hard he was.

Moving his hand in between them, he slid it down her folds, finding her already wet. He pushed a finger in her, thrusting it in and out a couple times before adding another.

Clarke broke their kiss, throwing her head back with a breathy moan.

“Bellamy,” She sighed. “I want you, please.”

“I’m right here, baby. I’ve got you.” His voice was deep and husky, sending shivers down her spine. “Just relax.”

With one last pump of his fingers, he pulled them out of her and slid his cock against her wetness, groaning already at the feeling.

He wasn’t gentle, finally thrusting into her roughly. Eventually he’d take his time with her, but right now he felt too desperate, the need to feel her too strong. He felt her walls clench around him and she gasped, holding herself to him. He took a second to calm himself before he started moving. Her clit pulsed in anticipation for him to move, even as her walls stretched to his size. He pushed even further into her, filling her completely and she raked her nails down his back. “God, Bellamy.”

He let out a growl, pulling almost all the way out before pushing back in, finding a steady, but hard rhythm. He knew she didn’t need to be babied and right now, he needed this. She definitely wasn’t complaining.

Her legs came up around his waist and the blanket fell from his shoulders, but he didn’t stop slamming into her. She brought her hips up to meet every thrust and with the noises coming from her, he wasn’t sure he’d last long.

He pulled one of her legs up to his shoulder, leaving the other one around his waist and brought his hips lower, the new angle causing friction on her clit. She cried out and bit his shoulder, making him groan. He felt her walls start to shudder around him and her body was wound tight.

“Fuck, Clarke. You feel so fucking good.” He growled in her ear. She gripped him tightly and her eyes fluttered shut at his words, his voice bringing her closer to the edge.

He wrapped one of his hands around the side of her neck, his fingers around the back of it and his thumb reaching the front. He pushed down, holding her still, pounding into her. The way she was sounding, she had to be close.

“Harder, Bell... I need...” she trailed off with a moan.

“Harder, what?” He growled. “Let me hear you, baby. You want me to make you come?”

He felt her muscles starting to shake.

“Yes. Please, Bellamy. Please, I need you.”

He thrusted into harder and reached with his other hand to tweak one of her nipples.

She let out a gasp and her whole body tensed as she came around him. She pulled his hair and he let out a low groan, the feeling of her walls spasming around him bringing him to his own release.

He let himself come inside her, groaning with his face pressed into her hair.

He let as much of his weight rest on her as he could without feeling like he’d crush her.

She’d turned soft now, her hands gently running through his hair. He went to kiss her cheek and tasted salt. He looked up, a little alarmed to see tears.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked wiping her tears. “Did I hurt you?”

She sniffed and shook her head. “No.” She assured him. “No, I just- I _do_ love you, Bell.”

“I know, princess. It’s okay.” He comforted, brushing her hair behind her ear and wiping more of her tears away. He looked at her, his face so full of worry. “Why are you crying, baby?”

It scared her. _Loving him_. Him loving her.... because, what happened if she lost him?

She tried to hold back a sob. “I’m so scared, Bellamy.” She admitted, voice cracking.

He nodded, clenching his jaw. Loving her was dangerous. He knew that.

“Me too.” He whispered, running his thumb over her cheek. “But Clarke, I’m not leaving you, okay?” He promised. “Don’t be scared of that.”

That seemed to calm her down. He wiped the last of her tears and kissed her forehead. A chill ran through him as the wind blew over his exposed back. “I think I could use some of that hot chocolate.” He smiled.

She actually laughed, her smile making his heart feel lighter. “Me too.”

He pulled on his boxers and gathered their clothes, both of them quickly climbing in the window. She grabbed one of his hoodies from the closet and slipped it on while he pulled his own clothes back on.

Once the hot chocolate was made, they sat on the couch, nestled next to each other.

“I’m a little tired.” She said, leaning her head against him.

“You can go back to sleep, princess.” He told her.

She nodded and let out a cough.

“You okay?” He asked, trying to look down at her.

“Yeah, my throat just hurts a little.” She answered, a little embarrassed. “Probably from all the screaming I did last night.”

He put his hand to her forehead and frowned. She was a little warm, but didn’t feel like she had a fever.

“I think I’m gonna take a nap.” She said.

“I’m gonna have to go get the girls from Murphy’s a little later. You wanna stay here?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “...Do you think they’ll forgive me?” She asked him after a minute.

“I don’t think they’re angry, Clarke.” He told her. “I think they were drunk and scared and they didn’t know what to do. They blamed themselves for not helping you.”

“They tried.” She whispered. “I wouldn’t listen.”

“I know.” He said, softly. “They’re just worried about you. They all care about you and they want you to be okay.”

“I’m glad I have them.” She admitted. “That I have _you_.”

He kissed the top of her head and she let her eyes drift closed.

“I may be gone when you wake up, okay?” He whispered.

She nodded a little, already falling asleep.

He kissed her head once he was sure she was fully asleep and laid her down on the couch, grabbing Murphy’s car keys and heading out. He had to deal with the girls now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thanks again guys, for all the love and kudos. You’re awesome 🥰


	13. ~ Scared ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter here, less heavy than the previous two. Next update Monday!

When he pulled up to Murphy’s, he still hadn’t figured out what he was going to say to them, but let himself in the house anyway. He and Murphy were close, so it wasn’t unusual.

The girls were all sitting around his table and Murphy was putting away what he assumed were the dishes from breakfast.

Bellamy slammed the door shut, making all the girls wince in pain at the noise. Asshole move, he knew, but he couldn’t help it.

Murphy grinned at him, knowing full well what he was doing.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He said sarcastically. “Was that too loud?” He walked up to the kitchen table, turning a chair to sit in it backwards and looked at each of them.

None of them answered or would look at him.

“There anything any of you wanna say?” He asked, anger underlining his voice. “Or should I start?”

Raven gathered up the nerve to look at him. “I tried to get her to stop.” She looked sadly at him and sighed. “I looked away from her for one minute and I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m the reason she looked away.” Octavia admitted, looking down. “I got angry and I was yelling at her about it.”

“I’m angry about more than just Clarke taking the drugs.” He said, incredulously. “You guys promised me that you’d all stick together. That you wouldn’t drink and you told me there’d be adults there.” He shrugged angrily. “_Every_ single one of those things was a lie.”

They all looked down, knowing he was right.

“Clarke is responsible for her actions, and I’m not putting what she did on you, but you guys were all supposed to look out for each other. And there’s a reason I didn’t want you guys going to that party. A reason I didn’t want _Clarke_ to go to that party, but I let you talk me into it, because I thought you’d all be responsible.” He looked between them, but they still weren’t willing to meet his eyes. “Instead all of you lied to me and by doing that, you put Clarke in danger... she could’ve died last night. The drugs that girl gave her... they could’ve _killed her_ if she’d had enough.” He let that sink in for a moment. “You guys understand that, right?”

He was met with deafening silence, all of them too ashamed to answer, or maybe too scared to.

“Is she okay?” Octavia asked after a couple of minutes.

He leaned back and sighed. “She’s a lot better than she was when we left last night. You guys put all of yourselves in danger. None of you could drive. Some of you could barely even _speak_ coherently.” He said holding his eyes on Octavia. “Did you think about what would happen if one of you got hurt?”

Again, met with silence. They could feel his anger.

“This will _not_ happen again.” He said, firmly. “I may not be able to control you two,” he motioned between Raven and Niylah. “But I can control _you_, Octavia. And you won’t be going to anymore parties. Neither will Clarke. And you’re both lucky I don’t tell your parents.” He ended talking to Raven and Niylah again.

“We’re sorry.” Raven said, finally looking at him again. There were tears in her eyes. “We let her down. Is she mad at us?”

“She thinks you’re mad at her.” He said.

“It’s not her fault.” Octavia said, quietly. “She knew she shouldn’t have gone, she wanted to tell you the truth about the party and I pushed her. Told her she’d be fine.”

“Yeah, well she wasn’t.” He said, still a little angry.

All of them looked close to crying.

He shook his head and sighed again. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to any of you.” He softened his voice. “You guys have to be smarter than that... What if the cops had shown up at that party?”

It was a rhetorical question, so none of them answered. They knew what would’ve happened.

“Can we see Clarke?” Raven asked.

He bit his lip in thought, not sure if she’d be up for company, or even awake.

“Yeah.” He finally said, standing up. “Go get in the car.”

They all piled out the door into Niylah’s car, leaving the drivers seat open for Bellamy, but he stopped in the kitchen to hand Murphy his keys.

“Thanks for taking care of them.” He told him.

Murphy shrugged. “Luckily they all but passed out by the time we got here.” He smirked. “Not too much drama to deal with.”

He nodded and ran a hand through his beard.

“Not the same for you, I take it?” Murphy asked him.

“Not quite, but... I think she’s gonna be okay.” He said, hopefully.

“It’s not gonna be easy, man.” Murphy said. “But you know that.”

“She says...” he let out a little sigh. “She says that I help, but... but I let her down, Murphy. I let her go to that party last night, when she showed me _every sign_ that she wasn’t ready for it.”

And now he was beating himself up for it.

“You didn’t know what would happen.” Murphy defended. “You can’t always predict the bad things.”

“But I trusted four teenage girls.” He argued. “I _saw_ that she didn’t want to go. She said she wouldn’t if I said no, but I let the other girls talk me into it... I let her down.” His voice cracked on the last sentence.

Murphy made a face, then shrugged. “You know that she doesn’t blame you, Bell.”

He sighed. “She doesn’t. That doesn’t mean it’s not partially on me... I just don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“You really do love her.” Murphy said, like he was surprised.

He nodded. “Yeah, I really do.”

“What are you gonna do?” Murphy asked.

“Pray?” He tried to joke.

Murphy rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know. I’ll just take care of her. Do better than I did last night.” Bellamy said.

“You got her in the truck last night. Got her home, made sure she was safe... you didn’t do that bad.” Murphy comforted.

Bellamy tried to give him a smile and nodded. “Thanks again, for taking the girls.” He clapped him on the back and handed him his car keys. “I’ll see you later.”

“Call me if you need anything.” Murphy said as Bellamy walked out the door.

The ride back was silent, save for a few sniffles from the girls, who were still clearly upset.

_Good_, he thought. They should be. They put every one of their lives in danger and honestly, he felt like he’d gone a little easy on them.

Bellamy was old enough that the girls didn’t really look at him like a parent, but they did look at him as an adult, expected answers from him when they didn’t know it themselves, expected him to know how to solve problems and deal with the hard things.

They looked up to him and they were upset, not only about Clarke, but at the fact that they’d lied to him and disappointed him. He’d gotten his point across.

When they pulled up, he handed Niylah her keys and climbed out of the car.

Clarke was curled up against the arm of the couch, watching tv, looking like she’d just woken up.

“Hey, princess.” Bellamy called softly. “You up for a little company?”

He hoped she was, because the girls pushed their way past him and ran to her, all but piling on top of her.

“You scared the hell out of us!” Raven said, gripping her tightly.

Clarke hugged her back. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“No. We are.” Niylah responded.

“It’s not your fault, you guys.” Clarke told them softly. “Seriously.”

“It is.” Octavia said, pulling back from them. “We promised you that we’d stick together and Niylah and I bailed... we’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry that I lost it.” Clarke shrugged sadly.

“It’s okay.” Raven told her, still leaned against her.

Bellamy supposed that was he was lucky. These girls had a bond that most teenage girls didn’t. Even when they fought, got drunk and pissed off at each other, they’d come together when they needed to- look out for each other.

He watched them from a few feet back with his hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall. It looked like after a few minutes that Clarke was a little overwhelmed.

“Alright,” He said pushing off the wall. “You girls should get back home.” He said to Niylah and Raven. “And you should go get yourself cleaned up, O.”

The girls said their goodbyes and headed out, while Octavia went upstairs.

Bellamy went to the couch and she immediately melted into him.

“What’s wrong, princess?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” She whispered. “I still don’t really feel good.”

He bit the inside of his lip. Maybe she should’ve just rested this morning. Instead, he’d ended up with her naked on the roof.

He kissed her hair and felt her forehead again. It was hotter now.

She sniffled, but it wasn’t because she was crying.

“Are you cold?” He asked.

She nodded a little. “And my stomach really hurts.”

He moved from under her and went to the kitchen, looking for something in the cabinets. He brought her over some cold medicine, already dosed out properly.

She smiled at him having done that, like she’d overdose on cold medicine. “You think I have a cold?”

“I hope that’s it.” He said sitting back down. “You were out in the freezing cold in nothing but that dress.”

“Then out in nothing _at all _this morning.” She smirked, playfully.

“Yeah, probably not the best location choice.” He winced, but couldn’t help but smile back at her.

She laid her head back on his chest, giggling a little, but quickly pulled back. “I don’t wanna get you sick.”

“I think that ship has sailed, don’t you?” He raised his eyebrows at her.

She made a face, unamused and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“It’s fine.” He assured her. “I don’t get sick. And if I’m gonna get it, I’ve already got it.”

She still just looked at him, unsure. “Colds don’t make your stomach hurt.” She said.

He rolled his eyes and pulled her towards him. “Sometimes they do. C’mere.”

She easily fell into him then. He could tell she was tired.

He pulled the extra blanket from the back of the couch and placed it over her. She rested her head on his lap, and barely heard the tv change as he turned on some war movie. His hand ran through her hair rhythmically and she relaxed at the feeling, falling asleep quickly.

Just a few minutes after he knew she was completely out, her phone buzzed.

Her mom. He reached down and hit decline.

What was wrong with these people? Not leaving her alone.

It rang again.

He snatched the phone from the couch and answered it.

“You need to quit calling her.” Bellamy’s deep voice rumbled through the phone.

“She needs to come home.” Her mother spat. “Let me speak to my daughter.”

“You’re delusional if you think she’s ever stepping back into that house.”

“She’s my daughter. She’s seventeen. I will call the cops.” She threatened.

“Yeah, I’m sure they’ll be real interested in your threats to her and how you assaulted me while trying to hit your own daughter.” He threatened back.

She quieted and he could practically feel her seething through the phone.

He hung up, tossing the phone down. “Crazy fucking bitch.” He mumbled.

She was right though. Clarke was 17 and still had another 6 months until her birthday. They could make her go back. Or they could put her into the system and she could get sent god knows where until she turned 18.His mind started reeling on how to get her out of possible trouble. Hide her, try to get custody? He shook his head. _No_, that’d be weird. She was his... what was she? Girlfriend?

They hadn’t exactly had a chance to talk about that. No judge in their right mind would grant him custody of a 17 year old girl that was completely unrelated to him anyway.

Emancipation.

That was it. It’d be a process, but they could do it. She’d be safe and free from both of her parents then.

He’d forgotten about the movie until Octavia’s voice shook him from his thoughts.

“What’re we watching?”

“Uh,” He said, looking up and shaking his head a bit. “American Sniper.”

“You good, Bell?” She asked, frowning a little.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.” He said. “Just a- a little distracted.”

She bit her lip in thought and nodded. “Clarke?” She asked.

He scratched his beard and sighed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“She does wanna get better, you know?” She told him.

“Trust me, I know.” He said, looking down at her with a soft, but worried look on his face.

“You guys have gotten a lot closer.” Octavia noticed.

He felt his heart jump and he swallowed hard.

“O, I... I’m scared.” He admitted hesitantly, finally looking up from Clarke.

He didn’t really wanna be dumping this on his little sister, but...

“I am _so sorry_ that we went to the party, Bell.” Octavia said, sadly. “You’re right. She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay home with you, because she knew what would happen and we ignored her. I won’t do that again.”

“She wants to get better.” He said, mostly confirming it to himself.

Octavia had already told him once, but felt like she needed to tell him again. “She isn’t mom, Bell... Mom never wanted your help. She fought you _every_ time, _every_ step of the way...” she thought before saying the next thing. “Clarke wants help... Bellamy, she loves you.”

He nodded and looked back down at her. “I love her too.” He whispered. “That’s why I’m scared. I- I’m not stupid. I know that she’s gonna mess up... that she’ll slip. But...” he shook his head, pushing down his fear. “What if one time she doesn’t get back up? What if she falls and I’m not there to catch her?”

“You will be.” Octavia said. “Just like you have been so far. She got home safe last night because of you. She didn’t take the pills that mom gave her because of you.”

He didn’t look so sure, but he didn’t say anything else to argue. She leaned her head against his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his. “We’ll all be okay.” She said.

The tension in his body seemed to ease slightly. She wasn’t sure if what she said had helped. She wasn’t used to having to comfort him, because it had always been the other way around.

Regardless of whether it helped or not, his walls went back up and he retreated into himself, hiding all his fears away like usual. He sunk a little further into the couch. With Octavia on his shoulder and Clarke’s head resting on his lap, he reminded himself that they were all safe. He cleared his mind and turned back to the movie, trying not to worry about what could happen tomorrow.

Later that night, Clarke was still passed out on the couch and Bellamy started to worry.

“Shouldn’t she be awake by now?” Octavia asked. “Should we try to wake her up?

“She’s fine.” Bellamy tried to say calmly, even though how anxiety was rising. “Her body needed to rest and the cold medicine I gave her was for night. She’s probably just tired.”

Octavia sighed and went to eat the dinner Bellamy had made, and he made his way to Clarke.

“Jesus.” He muttered quietly, hand in her head. She was burning up.

She groaned in her sleep and slowly blinked her eyes opened, then shot up. She ran to the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach.

She felt Bellamy’s hand pull back her hair as her body retched and she wished he’d leave so he didn’t have to see her like this.

She reached up and flushed the toilet with a shaking hand, then collapsed back into Bellamy.

He rubbed his hands up and down her arm and she covered her mouth as she coughed.

When she quieted, he kissed the top of her head. “Feel a little better?” He asked.

“A little.” She rasped, leaning her head back on his chest. “I feel dizzy.”

“Alright, princess, c’mere.” He picked her up without protest and carried her back to the couch, laying her down.

Octavia had poured a can of sprite into a cup, and handed it to him for Clarke.

“Here.” He sat down next to her, helping her sit up enough to drink. “You need to drink something. This’ll help settle your stomach.”

She wrapped a hand around his, covering the drink and took a slow sip, before lying her head back down.

He looked to Octavia. “Call Miller.” He said, trying to keep his voice low. “See if he can get Jackson here.”

She nodded and stepped into the other room.

Miller was one of his old friends, and his boyfriend, Jackson, was a med student. He couldn’t afford to take her to the emergency room and the doctors may ask about her parents. Plus, her mom worked in the hospital. So that felt like a bad idea all the way around.

Clarke’s eyes were already starting to close again.

“Hey, princess.” He called, softly. “What hurts?”

“Everything.” She mumbled weakly and covered her mouth as another cough fit attacked her.

He climbed on the couch behind her once it stopped, squeezing his legs on either side of her. She leaned back into his chest and lost consciousness again.

By the time Miller and Jackson got there, Octavia was pacing the floor of the living room and Bellamy was on edge.

“Oh, thank god.” Octavia said when Miller walked through the door.

“What’s going on?” Jackson asked, coming to kneel by the couch.

“I don’t know.” Bellamy said. “She was fine this morning. Then she got tired and said her throat hurt. She slept all day and when she woke up, she threw up and then passed back out. And she’s burning up.” He carefully climbed out from behind her and Jackson nodded.

“Alright. I’m gonna take her temperature first.” Jackson said. “103.1” He mumbled and shook his head. “Bellamy, she really needs to go to a hospital.”

“That’s not really an option here.” Bellamy said. “Is there anything you can do? What’s wrong with her?”

He sighed, thinking for a moment. “Did you give her anything? Any medicine?” He asked.

“Some cold medicine.” Octavia said.

Bellamy winced. “And... she took PCP last night.” He admitted. He didn’t want to hold back anything that may be important.

“What the hell, Bellamy?” Miller looked confused. “Are you serious right now?”

“Look, I’m just telling you in case it’s important.” He said. “But it should all be out of her system, right? This morning she wasn’t like this.”

“How much did she take?” Jackson asked.

“We’re not really sure.” He shook his head. “The girl she got it from said it was only one. By the time I got her home last night, it seemed to be wearing off.”

“It probably wasn’t a very high dose then. It wouldn’t still be effecting her now.” Jackson confirmed and Bellamy nodded in relief.

“She said she was dizzy and that everything hurt. She hasn’t eaten anything all day either.” He told him.

“What are you doing here, Bellamy? You don’t need this.” Miller said, agitated.

“I’m not asking for your opinion here, Miller. I’m asking for your help.” Bellamy snapped at him.

Miller scoffed, shaking his head, but he knew better than to argue with Bellamy when he was like this.

Jackson sat back and looked at Bellamy. “Dizziness, vomiting, fever, loss of appetite, weakness... It looks like she has the stomach flu.”

“The stomach flu?” Bellamy asked like he didn’t believe it.

“Yep.” Jackson said. “She’ll probably be pretty out of it for a few days. She needs fluids, so I can set up an I.V for her. Anytime she wakes up, try to get a little food in her whether she wants it or not. Soup, crackers, things that are easy on her stomach. And even though she has the I.V, it’s good for her to still drink fluids.” He turned to Miller. “Could you grab the backpack out of the car?”

Miller went out to grab the bag and Jackson motioned for Octavia to give them a little space. Once she stepped into the other room Jackson looked at Bellamy.

“She isn’t going through withdraw is she, Bellamy?” He asked.

He shook his head, grateful that he’d waited until it was just them to ask.

“No.” He said. “She’s not addicted to anything. And she hasn’t been drinking enough to go through withdraw.”

Jackson nodded to him and pulled up Clarke’s sleeve to prep for the I.V. He stopped, seeing the marks on her wrist.

Bellamy felt his heart clench. “Not addicted to any drugs, I should’ve said.” His voice was tense.

Jackson shoved her sleeve down quickly as Miller walked back in.

“What’s going on?” Miller asked, noticing the look on Jackson’s face.

Bellamy lowered his head. Jackson had to set up the I.V. - Miller was going to see. There was no way around it.

He swallowed and looked up at Miller. “I know you’re not gonna agree with what I’m doing... You’re not gonna like it, or support it and that’s fine.” He started. “But right now, I really don’t need to hear it, okay?”

Miller looked confused, but nodded and sat down. An unspoken agreement not to voice his displeasure about whatever was going on.

Jackson lifted her sleeve back up, revealing the marks left behind from her cutting. Miller shook his head and scoffed. He bit his tongue to keep from saying anything.

Jackson set up the I.V and gave Bellamy an extra bag. “Just change it out when this one is empty. By the time they’re gone, she should be able to drink alright on her own and she should feel a little better.”

“Is there anything I can give her?” Bellamy asked.

“I’ll bring you by something to help with her fever and nausea. It may help a little, but there’s not much to do, other than ride it out.” He said. “Just keep her comfortable.” Jackson grabbed his bag with a promise he’d be back with some medicine later.

Miller hovered behind for a moment, looking at Bellamy, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to without sounding like a total dick.

“She cuts. She does drugs. You’re out of your mind.” He said, disapproval in his voice. “What are you doing, man?”

“I’m trying to take care of her.” Was his only answer. “That’s the only thing I can do.”

“She does _drugs_ and you’re letting her stay here? Bellamy-“ he cut off and sighed, confused.

“Miller, I’m not asking you to understand this.” He said calmly. “But you’re not changing my mind.”

“Yeah, I’m gettin’ that vibe.” He sighed, looking defeated. “Just be careful, alright?”

“I’m trying.” He said, simply.

Miller gave a small nod and headed out, leaving Bellamy alone with his thoughts.


	14. ~ Victim To The Sound Of Your Love ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song played in this chapter is Grace by Lewis Capaldi, the acoustic version specifically.

He’d ended up sleeping on the couch. Jackson had swung by some medicine as he’d promised. He’d managed to wake her up enough for her to take it, then he’d crawled back behind her on the couch and dozed off, not really worried about his own health. He considered himself to have a pretty strong immune system, he just hoped his body didn’t betray him.

She woke up and started moving around 3:00 AM. He was a light sleeper, so her movements woke him up right away.

“Hey,” he whispered. “You feel any better?”

“I don’t currently think I’m gonna puke my guts out, if that’s what you mean.” She answered weakly.

“Well that’s a step in the right direction then.” He chuckled softly.

She relaxed back against him and looked at the I.V in her arm. “What’s wrong with me?” She asked. “Is it because of the drugs?”

“No.” He shook his head. “No, you have the stomach flu.”

She jumped off the couch as quickly as her weak body would let her. “You shouldn’t be near me. I’ll get you sick.”

“It’s alright.” He soothed. “Just lay back down, okay? I don’t get sick.”

“You say that now, but you’ll regret it when you’re hovering over the toilet and can barely stand on your own.” She said, her own legs shaking from the effort it was taking to stand.

“Too late to stop it, princess. Come here.” He motioned back to the couch. “You’re supposed to rest.”

She hesitantly sat back down, but her body was too weak to fight it for long.

He rubbed up and down her back and she tried to stop herself from coughing, because it hurt her whole body.

“I feel like shit.” She complained.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I wish I could do something to make you feel better.”

“Could you play me a song?” She asked, softly.

He gave her a little smile and nodded. He moved, lying her head down on one of the throw pillows and went upstairs to grab his guitar.

When he came back down, he sat right in front of the couch on the floor and started playing.   
  


_ “I can't seem to drown you out long enough _

_ I fell victim to the sound of your love _

_ You're like a song that I ain't ready to stop _

_ I got nothing but you on my mind.” _

He spared a glance at her. She was watching him with a soft look on her face, still fighting sleep.

_ “I'm not ready to be just another of your mistakes _

_ Don't wanna let the pieces fall out of place _

_ I was only just a breath removed from going to waste _

_ Till I found salvation in the form of your- _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Don't take it away _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Don't take it away” _

He felt her hand come to his hair, running through it gently.

_ “On the verge of almost bleeding you out _

_ Are we too wounded now to ever come down? _

_ Oh, how I long for us to find common ground _

_ I got nothing but you on my mind” _

He let himself get a little more into it, feeling completely open with her.

_ “I'm not ready to be just another of your mistakes _

_ Don't wanna let the pieces fall out of place _

_ I was only just a breath removed from going to waste _

_ Till I found salvation in the form of your- _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Don't take it away” _

He brought his voice back down.

_ “Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Your grace _

_ Don't take it away” _

He ended quietly, looking back at her. She brushed the hair from his forehead, searching his face.

He grabbed her hand and kissed it, then let his head fall back against the couch.

She closed her eyes, feeling sleep try to take her again.

She felt him move and then his hands were running through her hair. “Go to sleep, princess.” He whispered, kissing her forehead.

“I don’t want you to go.” Her voice shook.

He moved, sliding behind her and pulling her body close, being careful of the I.V. “I’m not going anywhere.” He promised and fell asleep shortly after her.

When he woke up the next morning, she had the tv on with the volume low.

He ran a hand down her side and stretched his back out as he woke up. He kissed her shoulder and rested his head back down beside hers. “What time is it?” He mumbled.

“A little after 8.” She rasped, her throat sore and rough from coughing. 

She was still really weak and her body still hurt, but she didn’t feel like she’d puke at any minute.

He pulled himself out from behind her and walked into the kitchen. “You need to eat something.” He said, reaching into the cabinet.

She groaned a little and sat up so she could see him. “I really don’t want to, Bell.”

“I know, baby. But you have to.”

“I’m gonna vomit again if you make me.” She warned.

“You have to try. Doctors orders.” He made a face. “Well- doctor in _training_ orders.”

She giggled at him despite how bad she felt.

He grinned and went to turn on the stove to heat up the soup.

He poured her a sprite while it warmed up and brought it to her. “Just drink it slow, okay?”

She grabbed it from him and did as he said, then leaned back against the couch. “I feel like I’m gonna die.” She said.

“You’re not gonna die.” He rolled his eyes a little, pouring the soup into a bowl and walking over to her. “Here.”

She took it from him, reveling in the bowls warmth.

“You gotta eat it.” He chuckled. “Don’t just assault the bowl.”

“It’s so warm, though.” She argued.

“It’ll feel even better in you.” He said.

She raised her eyebrows playfully. “Are you coming on to me, Bellamy Blake?”

“Not how I meant it, unfortunately.” He smirked at her, glad she still had her sense of humor. “Something tells me you’re not up for that anyway.”

“Mm.” She agreed, carefully eating a spoonful of soup. “Might need a couple days to recover.”

He chuckled again and grabbed the book he’d been reading last night from the coffee table and his glasses, turning his attention on the book. She didn’t eat much, not quite half the bowl, but it was something so he was satisfied with it. She did drink all the Sprite eventually though, then rested her head against his arm.

“I’m gonna call the school and let them know you won’t be in this week.” He told her after a while.

She sighed a little against him. “Everyone’s gonna think it’s because of what happened at the party.”

“It doesn’t matter what they think.” He shrugged. “They’re all idiots. _One of them_ is an idiot who gave you drugs.” He said, a little sour.

“Lexa...” She said.

“Yeah, I really didn’t care what her name was.” Bellamy said dismissively, looking back at his book.

“She probably told everyone.” Clarke said.

He sighed and took his glasses off, setting them and his book down. “Then she told everyone. It doesn’t matter what those kids think, Clarke. They don’t know you. They don’t know your story.”

She looked at him a little sad. “What is my story?”

He thought about it for a moment. “I’m not sure yet... You’re still writing it.” He smiled.

She grinned a little at him, despite how she felt.

“I don’t think I’m a very good writer.” She joked.

He laughed and kissed her head. “You’ll get better.” He promised. “The first part of your story was written by other people.” He looked down at her, growing serious. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Will you help me?” She whispered, fear evident in her eyes about what the future would bring for her.

“Only if you’ll let me.” He said.

She pressed her forehead to his, silently thanking whatever forces had brought them together. “I love you.”

He moved a hand to the back of her neck, winding his hand into her hair. “I love you too.”

Octavia sat at the top of the stairs, out of sight, with a soft smile on her lips. She quietly went back to her room and shut the door loud enough that they could hear, before walking back to the stairs.

“Morning.” She said as she reached the bottom. “You feel any better?”

“A little, yeah.” Clarke said. She didn’t bother to move away from Bellamy. “I’m getting a kind of tired again though.”

“You need to get all the sleep you can.” Bellamy told her.

“Yeah,” Octavia agreed. “You were pretty out of it last night.”

“I still feel a little out of it, honestly.” She said, her eyes starting to drift closed.

She laid her head all the way onto Bellamy and passed out, almost immediately.

“I’m gonna take her up to the bed.” He said, scooping her into his arms.

“And by _the _bed, you mean _your_ bed?” Octavia smirked.

He paused and turned around to glare at her, but didn’t deny it.

“Go on.” She waved her hand at him. “Don’t let me stop you.”

He made a face at her turned back around, to take her to in fact, his room. His bed.

She slept through most of what was left of the day and into the night. 

The next morning, he made sure she didn’t need anything and gave her Murphy’s number in case she needed anything while he was at work.

“Promise me you’ll call me if there’s an emergency.” He said.

“The stomach flu is pretty predictable, Bell.” She grinned. “Unfortunate and sucky... but predictable.”

He rolled his eyes and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be home as soon as I pick Octavia up after school, alright?”

“Okay.” She leaned into the kiss. “I’ll see you later.”

The day went by much slower than he would’ve liked. He had blocked his number to call the school and claimed to be Clarke’s dad, calling her out sick for the week.

The day just drug on from there.

He’d texted Clarke throughout the day, but it had only helped so much.

As soon as it hit 3:20, he was out the door and on his way to the school.

Neither said a word as Octavia got in the truck. Both too preoccupied with their thoughts to speak.

“Jesus.” Octavia muttered as he drove. “Can you slow down? She’s not on her death bed.”

He made a face, but eased his foot off the accelerator. He _was_ going a little fast.

After a moment, Octavia looked over to him. “They were talking about her today.” She said grimly.

He sighed. He knew they would be. Teenagers could never keep their damn mouths shut.

“She’ll be out the whole week.” He said. “It’ll calm down by then... something new will get their attention.”

“They were calling her trash. Calling her a druggy, calling her a slut, and that’s not fair! She’s none of those things.” She said, strongly, her voice rising. She leaned back and the fight seemed to leave her. “They said she’s gonna end up killing herself.” She rasped, quietly now.

“She’s not.” Bellamy said firmly, hands gripping the wheel tighter.

He glanced over at her and she had tears in her eyes.

“Octavia.” He said, getting her attention on him. “That’s _not_ going to happen.”

Even as he said the words so sure, he felt his own fear that they weren’t true.

He must’ve sounded convincing though, because she nodded.

He focused his attention back on the road, swallowing hard.

“Everything is gonna be fine.” He said, a little calmer.

“...Mom tried to call me.” Octavia said after a moment.

He tensed back up. “And?”

She shrugged. “And nothing... I didn’t answer.”

He nodded, not really sure what to say about it.

“I’m tired of her walking in like nothing happened and then talking to me or talking to you, like we’re total shit. She can’t do that, Bell. I won’t take it anymore.” She sat up straighter in her seat, back to being worked up. “We got out of there for a reason. We don’t have to deal with it. You don’t have to let her treat you like shit anymore. She can’t follow us here and expect us to drop everything we’ve built for her.”

“I know, O.” He said as softly as he could. “We’re done. I get it.”

And he did. He’d tried for so long, in so many different ways to help her. She just didn’t want it. She wanted to live her life in a haze. Fine one minute and not the next. Now, Bellamy figured, without him to mooch off of she needed money. Which was why she’d shown up at their doorstep.

He had too much to take care of though. He had two other people to think of. People he loved. Not that he didn’t love his mother. He just couldn’t sacrifice them for her. So _yeah_, he was done.

They pulled up to the house and saw Murphy’s car.

Bellamy panicked a little bit, breaking into a jog to get inside.

Murphy was just at the stove, warming up soup.

“What’s wrong?” Bellamy asked, even though Murphy’s demeanor was very much not panicked. 

“Well, your girlfriend has the stomach flu. Soooo... that?” Murphy said, not looking up from the stove.

Bellamy glanced at Octavia, who had either not heard his ‘girlfriend’ comment, or chosen to ignore it as she walked upstairs. He sighed and walked towards the stove.

“Relax.” Murphy rolled his eyes. “I just swung by to check on her. She hasn’t eaten anything all day.”

“Of course she hasn’t.” Bellamy said, annoyed.

Murphy let out a little laugh. “She’s kinda feisty, huh?”

“You have no idea.” He ran a hand over his beard.

“She’s funny though.” Murphy continued. “I like her.”

Bellamy couldn’t help but chuckle. “Good to know I have your approval.”

“You’re good for her.” He said, seriously. “Probably the best thing that’s happened to her.”

“How shitty is that?” Bellamy asked, sadly. “That I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”

“The shittiest.” Murphy answered.

That made him laugh again. “Thanks.” He shook his head.

Bellamy made a face as the doorbell rang. They weren’t expecting anyone.

He opened it, met with a face he’d never seen before. “Uh, can I help you?” He asked.

It was a woman dressed neatly in a black pants suit, hair pulled back into a pony tail.

“Hello.” The woman held her hand out. “My name is Charmaine Diyoza, I’m with child services.”

He tried not to let panic take over his face, tried to act confused by her presence. “Okay?” He said slowly. “What can I do for you?”

Octavia had walked down the stairs enough to hear the conversation.

“Are you Mr. Blake?”

“Yeah.” He said like he wasn’t sure.

“I’m looking for Clarke Griffin.” Diyoza said. “I was told she may be staying here.”

Bellamy pushed the door closed a little further on instinct. “Well you were told wrong.” He said.

“Her mother, Abigail, seems to think otherwise.”

“She _was_ here.” He admitted. “But she left a couple days ago.”

“Do you know where she went?”

“Bell?” Octavia called, coming into view of the door. “What’s going on?”

“This is Charmaine Diyoza.” He said. “She’s looking for Clarke.”

“Oh.” Octavia feigned surprise. “She stayed with Raven last night, I think. Why? Is she okay?”

Diyoza ignored her question, asking one of her own instead. “Raven is a friend of hers?”

“Uh, yeah. They’ve been friends for like, a crazy long time.” Octavia said.

“Do you know her last name? Her address?” She asked, pulling out a notepad.

“Reyes. But I don’t know her address.” Octavia answered.

“I think we’ve answered enough questions.” Bellamy pushed Octavia back inside, really wanting this conversation to end.

“The school said Ms. Griffin’s father called her out sick for the week, but her father has been gone for weeks.” She stopped him. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“I’ve never met her father.” He said simply.

“Right.” She didn’t believe a word he was saying and he knew it. But she couldn’t prove otherwise. “Well, give me a call if you see her, Mr. Blake.” She handed him one of her cards.

“Yeah, will do.” He stepped back inside and shut the door, turning the lock.

He let out a huge breath and so did Octavia.

“Nice acting.” Murphy commented dryly.

“Shut up.” Bellamy said.

“Why does her mom even want her back?” Octavia asked.

“My guess is nothing good.” He shook his head. “I need to talk to her about getting emancipated.”

She nodded. “That’s a good idea. I’m gonna call Raven and give her heads up about our little friend.”

Once Octavia walked upstairs, he ran a hand through his hair, once again stressed. They had to do something. And fast.

“I’ll call my friend, Echo.” Murphy said. “She’s fresh out of law school. She’d probably be willing to help figure out the next step.”

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked from the top of the stairs.

Bellamy faltered, mouth open. He didn’t want to tell her.

“Bell?” She asked when he didn’t answer.

“Your mom has child services looking for you.” Murphy said, once he realized Bellamy wasn’t functioning properly.

She bit her lip, but didn’t look surprised.

“Can...” she looked down at the stairs. “Can she make me go back?”

“Not if she can’t find you.” Murphy said.

“I don’t get it.” She said, staring off. “She wanted me gone and now she’s doing this? Now I have to go back?”

“You’re not going back.” Bellamy said sharply. “You aren’t going anywhere near her. Just-“ he cut off and took a breath, closing his eyes. He calmed his voice down before he spoke again. “I’m not gonna let them take you anywhere. Just go back upstairs, please. I’ll be up in a minute.”

She looked at him, clearly worried for a beat, but turned to go back to the room.

“Does she have any evidence of why she should be emancipated?” Murphy asked.

“If she doesn’t, I do.” He said. “She tried to attack Clarke when we went to get her things. Ended up hitting me instead.”

“Jesus. Sounds like a happy family.” Murphy muttered. “I’ll call Echo and let you know what she says.” He clapped Bellamy on the back. “For now, you probably should go deal with that.” He nodded upstairs.

“Thanks.” Bellamy said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

He looked up the stairs when Murphy left, wishing this wasn’t a conversation he had to have with her, but here they were, nevertheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit’s gonna start to get real soon guys 😬


	15. ~ Dark and Lovely ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a little early for you guys since my day may be too busy to update later. Song used in the chapter is Canción de la Noche by Matthew Perryman Jones.

Bellamy grabbed the soup Murphy had made and walked upstairs, faltering at the door to the room as he heard a noise.

“Shit.” He burst in the room. She was throwing up again.

He sat the bowl down quickly and went to the bathroom, replacing her hand with his own to hold her hair.

He didn’t say anything. Just rubbed her back with his other hand.

Once she thought she was done, she flushed the toilet and sat back, body shaking.

He let her fall back against him and just held her for a few minutes.

“Thought that had gotten better.” He stated, a little gruffly.

“Me too.” She responded weakly.

“Clarke, I won’t let her take you.” He promised, firmly. “We’ll get you emancipated. She won’t have any rights to you.”

She opened her mouth to answer, but ended up stopping, trying to swallow back another wave of nausea.

Once she calmed down, she moved to the sink and washed her mouth out.

“Can we go to the bed?” She asked after she was done.

“Yeah,” he stood up and grabbed her hand. “Come on, princess.”

Her body was still a lot weaker than he felt comfortable with. It worried him, but he tried to push it down.

She laid down, eyes starting to drift closed.

“Hey, you gotta eat something.” He tried, gently. “I know you don’t feel like it, but your body needs it. Especially now.”

“I’m just gonna throw it up again.” She argued weakly.

“Then I’ll be back in the bathroom, pulling your hair back again.” He said. “But you _have_ to eat. Your body will just get weaker if you don’t.”

Sometimes, he was learning, he just had to be firm with her.

She sat up a little, clearly unhappy, but willing to take the bowl.

He handed it to her, brushing the hair out of her face after she took it from him.

“You really think they’ll grant me emancipation?” She asked, taking a small spoonful of soup into her mouth.

He nodded. “I think so. It may be a little difficult.” He hesitated for a second, taking a deep breath. “You’ll have to be willing to tell the judge why, Clarke.” He said carefully.

She swallowed another spoonful and nodded slowly. “I know.”

“Do you happen to have any... evidence?” He asked tightly. “Anything you can use to prove to a judge what they did to you.”

She pushed down tears and nodded at him. “I... I don’t really want them to see it though.”

He swallowed hard. He didn’t really want anyone to see it either and he didn’t even know what _it_ was.

“If we do this,” he moved closer to her. “You’re gonna have to be willing to show it... I wish you didn’t have to, but the only other option is hiding away and hoping she doesn’t get a court order to search the house to find you.”

“I don’t want to have to hide.” She said. “But what if they don’t grant it? What if they make me go back?”

“If you have something to prove to them that you’re better off without her, they won’t make you go back.” He said. “And if they try, we’ll haul ass to Canada or something.” He tried you joke.

She sat the bowl down and grabbed her phone. He watched as she scrolled through, looking for something.

She turned it to him, placing it in his hands.

It was a video. The thumbnail was her sitting at her parents kitchen table and he could see her mom in the corner of the shot.

His heart rate sped up. He had a feeling he knew what this was. “Clarke-“ he didn’t want to press play.

“I set a camera up when I was going to tell the cops about my dad.” Her voice was a little raspy. “They didn’t know it was there... but I saved this video to my phone.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “I don’t- I don’t know if I can watch it.”

“If you don’t, you’ll see it in court, right?” She asked, sadly.

He closed his eyes. She was right. That didn’t seem like the best place to watch it for the first time. Surrounded by other people. And he wasn’t about to just not go with her to court.

With shaking hands, he pressed play.

Audio too. _Great_.

“Clarke!” Her mom yelled. “What the hell are you still doing here?” Her voice was angry.

“I’m about to leave now.” Clarke answered, confused.

“You’re going to be late again.” She snapped. “Do you have any idea how to even _start_ being responsible? I swear to god, I don’t know how we made such a useless child.”

There was that word again. _Useless_. A word that he would now hate forever.

He felt his grip on the phone tighten.

“I have 10 minutes to leave before I’d even have a chance to be late.” Clarke said, clearly annoyed.

Her mother walked to her and slapped her across the face. “Don’t you talk to me that way, you whore. You stay out late, fucking around and then you wanna come back here and act like you’re better than us?”

He closed his eyes. He _really_ didn’t want to watch this.

He heard a grunt from the phone and opened his eyes, looking back to the screen.

Clarke had pushed her mom back and away from her. “Don’t touch me.” She growled. “You don’t have a right to put your hands on me.”

Her dad came into the screen out of nowhere, yanking her back hard by her hair. She let out a yelp and he used the momentum of her body weight to throw her into the cabinets behind her.

His hands were trembling so badly that it was blurring the video. He felt his rage building. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to yell. He wanted to kill her father. He wanted to stop watching, but he couldn’t look away.

The cabinets made a loud banging noise as Clarke’s body flung against them and he heard her struggle to catch her breath from the impact. She sunk to the floor and her dad was quick lower himself and lay a punch into her ribs.

Bellamy flinched, feeling like he was reliving it himself. His stomach turned and he had to push down his nausea.

“She can do whatever she fucking wants, you little bitch. She’s your goddamn mother.” He spat in her face, grabbing her chin hard. He roughly pushed her face back, making her head bang against the cabinet again, then kicked her hard. “Get up!” He yelled.

She gasped, trying again to catch her breath and shook her head. “I- I can’t.”

“You can never do anything can you? I think I’ll make you useful for something real soon.” He threatened and pulled her up by her hair.

She tried as best as she could not to cry out, and tried to get her legs to work.

“You’re going to apologize to your mother and you’re never going to speak to her like that again.” He pushed her back one last time and walked back out of the video. Her mother stared at her a few seconds longer with her arms crossed, before stomping away.

The video stopped and he let out a breath, finally breathing.

He felt a tear run down his cheek and quickly moved to brush it away.

“Think that’ll do it?” Clarke’s voice cracked.

He put down the phone and sniffed, trying to blink back his tears. “Yeah.” He answered roughly. “That’ll do it.”

“That was the night he fractured two of my ribs. A week later is when he tried to rape me. I have pictures too... of the bruises.” She said.

He closed his eyes and wiped the bottom of his nose, clenching his jaw so tightly that it was painful.

He took a deep, shaky breath. “They probably won’t need them after that.”

He stood up, not really sure what his intent was, so he started pacing. He was upset. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking and the sound of Clarke’s breath being knocked out of her as she hit the cabinets was replaying in his ears over and over.

He needed to fight. He needed to hit something- needed to cry? He wasn’t really sure. He just knew he couldn’t take the feeling he had in that moment.

“Bell?” She called softly, getting his attention.

He stopped pacing and looked at her, but his eyes were wild.

“I didn’t show you to make you upset... I just didn’t want you to see it for the first time with a bunch of strangers.” Her voice was calm and soothing. “I’m okay now.”

“I can’t stand to see them hurt you. Clarke...” He shook his head. “I- _fuck_, I just wanna kill him for what he did to you.”

“I know.” She whispered. “But I can’t lose you over him...” She tried to reason with him, because she knew he meant what he was saying, it wasn’t just talk. “Bell, you’re the reason I’m here- that I’m okay. And now you won’t let him get to me... let that be enough.”

He took a deep breath and moved back to the bed to lie down, pulling her against him. He breathed her in, trying to calm himself. She was right. She’s okay. A little sick at the moment, but she’s not getting beat on, or called worthless, or useless or shoved into cabinets.

“I’m so sorry they did that to you.” His voice rasped, and he held her more tightly to him.

Her hands went to rub the arm he had around her waist. “It’s not your fault, Bell.” She whispered. “I’m safe now, because of you.”

Shit, how had he fallen so fucking hard for this girl?

“I love you.” He whispered into her hair, trying to push down the rest of his anger.

“I love you too, Bell.”

Her voice was soft and sweet and he swore he could listen to her talk all night and it would make him happy. Just hearing her voice...

“Do you think I could take a bath?” She asked. “I’m starting to feel kinda gross.”

He let himself laugh lightly at her voice and let her go to stand up. “Yeah, I’ll start one for you.”

“Thanks.” She smiled, sitting up.

He was glad for the distraction. If he sat there thinking about that video, thinking about what her dad had done, he was going to drive himself to murder or insanity. _Or both_.

Once it was running and the tub was filled with hot water, she slipped off her clothes and stepped in. She didn’t ask him to leave and he didn’t offer to.

He had to remind himself that she was sick. Seeing her undress herself and slip into the water, he felt his cock jump in response, but pushed those thoughts away. It wasn’t what she needed right now.

“You wanna hop in?” She asked sweetly.

God, did he ever.

He didn’t say a word, just pulled his own clothes off, ignoring his hard-on, and slid in behind her.

He took the shower head that was attached to the side of the tub and turned the water on, running it over her hair.

She let her head fall back and closed her eyes.

Turning the water off, he poured shampoo into his hand and lathered her hair, massaging his fingers into her scalp.

She moaned a little at the feeling and his cock became painfully hard.

He tried to push his thoughts down and focus on her, but turned out, focusing on her was the problem.

He rinsed her hair and grabbed the conditioner, repeating his actions. This time though, he slowly worked his fingers through her hair, brushing out every tangle and knot with his hands sliding through the conditioner.

He knows it must’ve taken a while, but time seemed to run together and the action seemed to relax both of them. By the time he rinsed her hair out, the water had gone from hot to lukewarm. He pulled her back against his chest and kissed her shoulder, working his way up to her neck.

She tried to reach back and grab his cock, but his hand stopped her. “Not yet.” He kept his voice as steady as he could.

“Bell...” she started to complain.

“You’re sick. You need to rest.” He told her softly, but firmly.

“Can’t orgasms help heal the body?” She teased.

He chuckled. “Where’d you hear that from?”

“The internet.” She shrugged.

“You know not everything you read online is true.” He teased.

She felt his chest vibrate with his deep voice and closed her eyes, leaning against him.

“I think it’s time to lay down, princess.”

“I’m okay here.” She replied, eyes still closed.

“You won’t be once the water goes completely cold. May help me with my problem though.” He joked, referring to his erection.

“Sorry.” She smiled a little.

“Not a bad problem to have.” He smiled back.

She stood up and he followed, stepping out and grabbing their towels.

He wrapped one around her and wrapped the other around his hips.

Once she dried off, she slipped in to one of his sweatshirts. She rarely wore her own now and he was okay with that.

Walking over to the dresser, Bellamy grabbed the forgotten soup. “I’m gonna go reheat this, alright?”

She knew it was useless to try and argue, so she nodded and sat on the bed.

When he came back in, she took the bowl from him and slowly ate most of it, while he sat back and read his book.

Her stomach seemed to take it okay, so when she was done, she laid back and curled next to him.

He absentmindedly leaned down and kissed her head, his eyes not moving from the book.

Her mind wandered as she lied there. What if it wasn’t enough? What if she couldn’t get emancipated? What if her dad came back and she had to live, trapped in that house for another 6 months until she turned 18? What if she did get emancipated and he came back anyway?

Bellamy loved her. He’d said as much. She could tell he did. So why did she keep thinking about what her dad had said? That she was useless and they’d kick her out on the streets just like he said they would.

Bellamy must’ve noticed her mood shift, because he put his book down and slid further into the bed, turning to pull her to him.

She was shaking. She didn’t really know why, but she couldn’t stop it.

He didn’t ask her why luckily, just kissed her head and held her tightly.

“You’re okay, princess. I’m right here.” His voice rumbled against her back and she almost breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of it.

He felt her body relax slightly at his words, so he kept talking. “Everything is gonna be alright. I promise. I’m gonna figure it out.”

She knew he would. But he shouldn’t _have to_. She didn’t want him to have to do all this for her. Why did he want to anyway? What made her so important? What made him love her?

Those questions were always tough. What makes you love a person? She had a million reasons she could count off for loving Bellamy.

He was always there, solid like a rock. Strong. He made her feel safe, and loved. He made her feel like she could do anything. His voice, his hands, his way of making her laugh even when she didn’t want to. He was saving her and she was fully aware of it. She _wanted_ to be saved by him. Even if she didn’t think she was worth it.

Even with all her doubts about whether she was worth it- whether she deserved his love... she knew he’d love her anyway. She believed every single word he said.

She just focused on the sound of his voice as he talked and eventually, her shaking slowed.

Once her shaking had stopped, he let her go and sat up. She started to protest, but stopped when he reached for his guitar. She pushed further into the covers and settled in, waiting to hear his voice fill the room.

He positioned himself on the bed, still close to her and started playing. He knew it’d calm her down. Hopefully even get her to fall asleep.

Her eyes already drifted closed as he started playing, letting herself relax at the sound.

_ “I've said enough _   
_The writing's on the wall_   
_A broken cup  
Missing pieces from the fall_

_ All the cradled desire _   
_Cold, starved roving eyes_   
_ As I wander in silent alibis _

_ Carry on” _

He wouldn’t have to play long before she was completely out, he realized.

_ “Is it your ghost _   
_That keeps hiding under the smoke_   
_It's getting louder I feel hands around my throat_

_ How do you love someone?  
How do you love someone? _

_ How do you love someone, so restless and torn?” _

He didn’t really know, because he’d think anyone else was crazy for it. But, _fuck_, he did.

She’d fallen asleep now, but he finished one more line anyway.

_ “You are beautiful and true _   
_ Dark and lovely You stole my heart _   
_Before I could give it away”_

He laid the guitar on the floor and just took a moment to watch her.

As crazy as he may be- as she may be... he knew he didn’t want anything else in the world. And neither did she.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to be honest with you guys, it’s been a little hard for me to figure out where I wanted this story to go, I was stuck on 28 chapters forever, but I’m finally up to 30. I think I’ve found the inspiration I needed and the direction I want to go. Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to bounce my ideas off of, so I never know if they are complete shit or if they’re brilliant until I post and you guys tell me haha. But anyway, you guys are great and supportive, and I hope you’re all still loving it. I’m excited about where I’ve decided to take it, so I hope it plays out well ❤️😘


	16. ~ Slipped ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is a little later than I wanted to post. But better late than never!

Clarke woke up when Bellamy did the next morning, following him downstairs as he got ready to leave the house.

“Think you can eat something this morning?” He asked.

She nodded. “I feel a lot better today.”

“That’s good.” He handed her a banana and went to make her some toast. “We’ll just ease back in with some safe things.”

“Hey.” Octavia said, a little surprised to see Clarke up and moving so early. “Feeling good?”

“A lot better. Thanks.”

“You’re not going to school, are you?” Octavia’s voice held a little worry.

“Uh, maybe tomorrow?” She shrugged. “If I’m still feeling okay.”

“Maybe you should just take the week.” Bellamy suggested. “Make sure you’re not contagious or anything.”

Really he was worried about how kids would still be talking. Still reacting to what happened. Rumors spread and he knew they always got blown out of proportion. Not that this one really needed dramatized, but...

Clarke sighed a little. “So you _are_ worried about what everyone will say.”

He’d told her not to worry about it before, but they both knew the reality.

“I just- I think it’s best if we give them the week to lose interest.” He tried to rationalize. “Something else is bound to happen, and that’ll take the spotlight off of you.”

“They’re saying some pretty bad stuff, huh?” Clarke guessed.

Octavia looked down, not willing to meet her eyes.

“I mean it’s probably all true. I deserve it.”

“It’s not!” Octavia all but yelled. “The shit they’re saying isn’t true. Not all of it. It’s not fair.”

“Octavia.” Bellamy’s brought his voice down in warning.

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek and thought for a moment. “I’ll give it the week.” She agreed. “But I don’t think it’ll help.”

Now it was Bellamy’s turn to sigh. She was probably right.

“If it doesn’t, then we’ll figure something else out.” He managed to say confidently.

She didn’t look so confident, but nodded.

“I’m gonna swing by and drop off Octavia this afternoon, before I head to the bar. I already let them know you’re sick.” He told her, changing the subject.

“I can probably work Thursday, if you think it’s okay.” She said.

He nodded. “As long as you feel better. I still want you resting right now.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s alllll I’ve been doing, Bell.”

“And it’s helped.” He told her firmly and leaned forward to kissed her head, temporarily forgetting Octavia’s presence.

Octavia raised her eyebrows and looked away, trying not to smirk when Bellamy’s eyes shot to her, realizing he’d given himself away.

He tried to recover, clearing his throat and grabbing his coffee. “Alright. Just relax again today, okay? And make sure you eat, please.” He told Clarke.

She smiled and mock saluted him. “Yes, sir.”

He couldn’t help but huff a little laugh and walked towards the door, Octavia following.

Octavia was all grins in the truck. She wouldn’t come right out and say anything though. She knew what he and Clarke were doing, but he didn’t know that she knew. At least not for sure.

“Just spit it out, for Christ sake.” He finally said, annoyed at her side eyeing him with her knowing grin.

She put her hands up in surrender, but her smile grew. “I didn’t say anything!” She defended.

“You know you want to.” He rolled his eyes.

She turned and smiled at him. “You slipped.”

“I slipped?”

“Yep.” She confirmed. “I mean you’ve never been great at hiding that you like her, but now that you _loooove her_... you’re hopeless.”

He couldn’t deny it. There was no point. So he found himself letting out a short laugh and shaking his head.

“I’m happy for you, Bell.” Octavia said, seriously. “I’m still a little worried, but... you are really good for her.”

“She’s good for me too, believe it or not.” He told her, honestly.

Octavia nodded. “I do. But I also know she adds an element of stress that wasn’t there before... I just know she still has a long road ahead.”

“She does.” He said quietly. “But I’m gonna help her.”

“I know you are.” Octavia smiled softly and the truck rolled to a stop in front of the school.

He turned to look at her. “Am I crazy?”

She shook her head, shrugging. “No crazier than you normally are.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Something tells me that even if I said you _were_ crazy, it wouldn’t stop you.” She said.

He nodded and worked his jaw subconsciously. “You’re probably right.”

She smiled one last time and shook her head. “I’ll see you after school.” She said opening the door.

Later that day, he got a text from Murphy. His friend, Echo, agreed to help Clarke. Thank god.

He told him they could meet Friday night and have dinner- discuss what the first step needed to be.

The day went by a lot quicker than the day before, thankfully. He picked up Octavia from school, her mood again foul from the rumors that were spreading about Clarke. He chose not to say anything about it. Nothing he said would make her feel better about any of it anyway. He knew she was still blaming herself.

When he got home, he walked upstairs to find Clarke curled up with a book. She looked up and smiled when she saw him.

“Hey.”

He couldn’t help but smile back when she looked like that. “Hey, princess.”

He leaned down and kissed her. “Still feel okay?”

She nodded. “I ate lunch and made sure to drink a lot.” She told him. “I’m all good.”

“Good.” He said, sitting next to her. “So, uh... Murphy’s got a friend who’s a lawyer. She offered to help us get you emancipated.”

He paused for a moment, waiting to see what her reaction was, but didn’t get much of one so he continued.

“We’re going to meet with her Friday night if you’re up for it?” He asked as a question.

Her brain seemed to catch up, several emotions running across her face. “How are we gonna pay her?”

That’s what she was worried about? Money?

“We don’t have to pay her. She’s willing to help, no charge. She’s just out of law school and she’s getting her name out there more.”

Clarke swallowed. “I want to.” She said. “I’m...” She fidgeted a little, pushing her hair back from her face. “I’m just scared, I guess.”

He nodded and sighed. “I know.”

“I’m going to have to see them.” She said. “Both of them.”

“They won’t be able to get near to you, or talk to you directly.” He comforted. “Let’s just see what she says, or what she thinks, okay?”

“Okay.” She agreed.

She really _did_ want to. She was just still anxious that she would end up having to go back home or she’d have to keep running away. Even then, if she came back here, Bellamy could technically be charged for kidnapping.

All her thoughts went away though, as he leaned down and kissed her again.

She responded instantly, putting her hand on the back of his neck and pressing him harder to her, deepening the kiss.

The way he made her feel was something she’d never experienced before, and she never wanted the feeling to go away.

The kiss ended too soon, as Bellamy pulled back, resting his hand on the side of her neck. “If I don’t stop, I won’t make it to work.”

She groaned in protest. “Then don’t go.”

“Don’t tempt me.” He laughed lightly. “I’ll try not to be out too late, but don’t wait up, alright?”

She shrugged, not promising anything. “I’ll see how I feel.”

He chuckled and kissed her one more time. “I love you, you know that?”

She grinned at him. “I love you too.”

He stood up to leave and once he was gone, Clarke wandered downstairs where Octavia was watching tv on the couch.

“Hey.” Clarke greeted softly.

Octavia pulled the blanket that she had over her back, making space for Clarke to crawl in next to her. She moved quickly, slipping under the blanket and laid her head on Octavia’s shoulder.

“You’re not worried about getting sick?” Clarke asked her.

“Not really.” She answered. “It’d be better than going to school.”

Clarke made a face. “That bad?”

She felt Octavia sigh. “I don’t think you should go back there, Clarke.”

“I kinda think I _have_ to go back.” She answered, sadly.

She was worried to ask what everyone was saying. What Finn was saying, what Lexa was saying. Because what they said would spread like wildfire and just get hotter and hotter.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Clarke said, trying to convince herself too.

“I don’t know.” Octavia said, her voice cracking a little.

Clarke sat up and looked at her to see tears starting to fall.

“Hey,” Clarke started softly. “Whatever they’re saying can’t be that bad.”

“It can.” Octavia said, angrily wiping away a few tears. “Clarke, this is my fault. I knew you didn’t want to go and now-“ she cut off and shook her head.

“Look, what I did... it was all me, Octavia. Nothing I did is your fault.” She said, firmly. “They’re saying those things because I fucked up. It’s no one’s fault but mine.”

Octavia shook her head. “You wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me.” She rasped. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t blame you. It’s okay.” Clarke said, resting her head back on Octavia’s shoulder. “I’m sorry too, you know.”

Octavia sniffed and wiped another tear away. “I know you are. I don’t blame you either.”

“You should.” She argued. “I chose to drink. Then I chose to take the drugs. Then I was just... all sorts of fucked up. I did those things to myself.”

“Yeah, but things led to those decisions.” Octavia defended. “You weren’t thinking clearly. Things were clouding your judgement.”

“It wasn’t clouded.” She admitted. “I mean, maybe _some_ things were.” She corrected, when Octavia tensed up. “But... I’m not really worth anything. My dad is right about that. I’m not anything special.”

“Bellamy thinks you are.”

Clarke smiled softly at that. “He does.” She agreed. “I don’t know why though.”

“Because you _are_.” Octavia said, matter of factly.

She didn’t agree on that, but she kept quiet.

“Does he make you happy?” Octavia asked.

She didn’t have to think about that. “He does... happier than I think I’ve ever been.”

“He’s happy too.” Octavia smiled a little.

“I don’t deserve him.” She whispered.

“You _deserve_ to be happy, Clarke.”

And maybe she was right. Clarke relaxed a little bit more and let out a soft sigh. “Thank you for everything.” She whispered.

“That’s what family is for.” Octavia smiled.

She hadn’t ever known what that was like before. Before she met Raven and Octavia... before she met Bellamy. But now? Now she didn’t want to picture her life without it.

They spent the rest of the night pretty quietly. They ate dinner, took showers and ended up back on the couch watching late night tv.

By the time Bellamy got home, they were both fast asleep, heads resting on each other.

He smiled at them as he walked in and turned the tv off, then made sure they were both covered by the blanket. He kissed them both on the forehead and turned the light off, opting to not bother them.

The bed felt empty without her in it, but he eventually settled in and fell asleep.

The rest of the week went by fast. Clarke worked on Thursday, all of her energy finally returning. Bellamy was relieved. He knew it was just the stomach flu, but seeing her so weak had worried him anyway.

Friday night came and they went to meet with Murphy and Echo.

“Well,” Echo said after they gave her the run down. “You’re clearly doing just fine without them. The court will be glad to see that. You have a job, you’re in school, you have a place to stay. As long as you have evidence against them, there’s no reason the court won’t grant you emancipation.”

Bellamy sighed in relief, letting himself lean back against the booth.

“One problem though.” Murphy said, looking at Echo for her to explain.

Echo winced. “Typically it can take months to get a court date to be emancipated.”

Clarke closed her eyes and Bellamy sat back up, body tense again.

“We don’t have months.” He said as calmly as he could, but tension rang through.

“Unless there’s evidence that her life is in danger, there’s not much we can do. The court won’t let me push it unless there’s a serious threat to her.” Echo said, sadly.

Bellamy looked to Clarke. It was her choice. But there was evidence that her life was in danger.

Clarke took a deep breath. “You can look at my phone records. I can show you my texts from both of my parents threatening me.”

Bellamy squirmed in his seat. That wouldn’t be enough. She had to show the video.

She knew what he was thinking. She closed her eyes for a second and pulled out her phone, finding the video. “I- I also have this.” She handed Echo her phone.

Echo looked a little wary, taking the phone and hitting play.

Murphy looked away halfway through, starting to feel sick to his stomach and Echo flinched a couple times.

When the video ended, Murphy excused himself to the bathroom and Echo slowly handed the phone back to Clarke.

“I’ll push it.” She said. “Send me the video and I’ll get you a date for next week. I’ll send the paperwork through tonight, and it should get to your parents by Monday, hand delivered. We’ll make it happen. No judge will deny you this, Clarke.” She promised. “In the mean time, you should also send this to the child services woman... You won’t ever have to go back there.”

Clarke felt relief flood her body, hearing a lawyer say that. Bellamy ran his hand up and down her back and she leaned into it.

Echo hesitated for a moment. “I know you guys are clearly... something.” She said carefully. “But it’d be better if you at least told the court that you’re paying rent. It’ll look better for both of you.”

Clarke nodded, understanding. “Thank you.” She told Echo.

Echo have her a small smile and nod, standing up to leave. “The paperwork filing is $175.” She said. “Other than that, you guys won’t owe anything.”

Bellamy immediately pulled out his wallet and handed her $350. “I know it’s not a lot.” He told her. “But... thank you.”

She smiled gratefully and turned to leave.

Clarke leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around her, placing a kiss on her head.

“You were right.” She said.

“Get used to it, princess.” He teased her.

She laughed and pushed him. “Shut up.”

He chuckled, but sobered up as Murphy slid back in the booth.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked.

He ignored the question and asked one of his own. “What’d Echo say?”

“She’s gonna push for a date next week. The video will work.” Bellamy said.

“I’d imagine fucking so.” Murphy muttered.

Clarke could tell he was unsettled, but she wasn’t really sure what to say to him.

“I think I’m gonna go ahead and go to the truck.” She told Bellamy.

He nodded and slid out of the booth, letting her out and handing her the keys. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.” He told her, sitting back down.

Murphy stared at the table, not saying anything for a minute and Bellamy stared at him waiting.

“I don’t get it.” Murphy finally said.

“Get what?”

“How anyone could do that to her?” He looked angry. “I thought _my_ parents were bad? No wonder she’s a mess. Those people should be in prison.”

“I don’t know if we’ll get that lucky.” Bellamy said sadly.

“You’ve seen it?” Murphy asked. “The video?”

Bellamy swallowed, remembering it vividly. “Yeah.”

“And it doesn’t make you wanna fucking kill them?” Murphy asked, astonished.

Bellamy sat up straighter, leaning forward on the table. “Of course it fucking does, but what can I do, Murphy?” He tried not to raise his voice. “March in their house, murder a couple of people and get myself arrested? Leave her and Octavia alone while I spend life in prison? I have to think about keeping them safe _now_. Not dwelling on what happened before.”

Murphy shook his head, which started Bellamy back up again.

“You think that shit doesn’t make me sick?” He asked. “You have _no idea_ how hard it was for me to watch that video. How hard it was for me to see her ripping herself apart at that party, or to see my own mom trying to give her drugs to kill herself!”

He shook his head and tried to take a deep breath, leaning back again.

Murphy sat back too. “...I’m sorry.” He said.

“I love her, Murphy.” He said. “I’m just trying to keep her safe now. Keep her away from them... I don’t think I can lose her.” He admitted.

He’d fallen so quickly or maybe so slowly, that he didn’t even realize it, but now he was in too deep to swim out.

“Bellamy...” Murphy leaned back forward. “You know we can take care of this. We can get Kane down here. He’ll help us, you know he will. We can make this problem go away.”

Bellamy’s leg started to bounce. “I don’t... I don’t think that’s a good idea. It- there’s a lot that could go wrong. If this doesn’t work... if it comes to that, I won’t hesitate.” He assured him. “But for now, we stick with this. I don’t wanna make it harder on Clarke than it already is.”

Murphy sighed again and sat back. “All I can say is, her dad better hope that he never steps foot into my bar.” He threatened.

That made Bellamy calm down a bit. He knew Murphy was just upset. Seeing that video wasn’t easy.

“Well personally, I hope he does.” Bellamy gave him a small smile.

Murphy looked at him in question.

“I’d bail you out in a heartbeat for kicking the fuckers ass.” Bellamy said.

Murphy laughed as shook his head. “I guess we better go.”

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah. We should. Clarke’s waiting.” He stood up and clapped Murphy’s back. “Thanks, man. For getting Echo to help us.”

Murphy nodded and Bellamy turned to head towards the truck, finally feeling better about everything than he had since it all started.


	17. ~ Zero Control ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, this one’s a little late.

Octavia had gone to Niylah’s for the weekend, leaving just Bellamy and Clarke at the house. If they thought winter was in full force before, they were wrong. Because now snow was quickly starting to cover the ground.

On the way home from dinner with Murphy and Echo, Bellamy made sure to drive slowly. The temperature was dropping and since there was already black ice covering the roads, he wanted to be extra careful.

Clarke scooted to the middle seat as he drove, letting her head rest on his shoulder and her hand on his thigh. Slowly she started to move it up, dangerously close to his cock.

His grip tightened on the wheel and he tried to focus, but then he felt her breath tickle his neck. He closed his eyes for a second, then gathered himself, grabbing her hand.

“You trying to make us crash?” He asked her, trying to keep his voice even.

“Mm,” she bummed and kissed right below his ear. “You’re a good driver.”

He felt his cock jump, starting to strain against his jeans.

“Clarke.” He all but growled her name. He meant it as a warning, but it just seemed to surge her on.

She slid her hand out from his hold and rubbed him through his jeans, kissing lower on his neck.

He struggled to keep his eyes open at the feeling. “Fuck.”

He wanted her so badly. She’d been sick since after their first time, and yesterday they’d both been so tired after work that they’d passed out. Now, nothing was stopping them.

“We’re almost home, princess.” He tried. “Let’s just take it easy.”

“I want you inside of me, Bell.” She whispered in his ear.

Fuck, he wanted him inside of her too.

She undid his pants and slipped her hand into his boxers, gripping him hard.

He let out a groan, still trying to focus on the road.

“You’re gonna kill us both.” He rasped.

Without replying to him, she pulled him free from his boxers and slid back so she could lean down and take him in her mouth.

“Jesus, Clarke.” He couldn’t help it, he took one hand off the wheel and tangled it in her hair, pushing her to take more of him.

Her tongue swirled around the tip as she reached the top and he was convinced he was going to crash, he just couldn’t find it in himself to tell her to stop.

They were almost home. _Just a minute longer_. He tried to tell himself.

He sped up as the driveway came into sight, growing impatient, never knowing how much he could hate his long driveway until now. He’d barely reached the house when he slammed the truck into park.

He pulled her up with a firm grip on her hair at the base of her neck and crashed his lips into hers.

She moaned into his mouth as he pushed her so she was lying back on the seat. They weren’t making it into the house. Thank god he had so much land. Nosey neighbors weren’t something he could handle at the moment.

She was wearing too many layers to bother taking off. As much as he wanted to feel her skin on his, he needed to be inside her.

Without breaking the kiss, he undid her pants and she simultaneously kicked off her shoes so he could slide them off.

He quickly positioned himself, sliding his cock over her entrance and across her clit.

She let out a gasp, breaking the kiss and he moved his mouth to her neck, the only other exposed skin on her.

Without any more warning, he slammed into her.

“God, you’re so fucking tight.” He mumbled against her neck.

Her only response was a small whine and she titled her hips up, urging him to give her more. He hadn’t pushed all the way in, not wanting to hurt her.

“Shh.” He whispered in her ear. “Just relax, baby.”

“Please, Bellamy. I need-“

“I got you, princess. I know.” He kept his voice low and feel, because he knew she loved that. “I’m gonna take care of you.”

And that was one thing she knew she’d never doubt again. _He’d take care of her_.

A shiver ran through her and he felt her body relax, then let himself push further into her. He groaned as he filled her completely and she reached a hand to his head, tugging against his hair with a sigh.

Their location wasn’t ideal. The truck was cramped, his ass bumped against the steering wheel, one knee was bent on the seat and the other leg was at a weird angle to keep from falling off of it, but he couldn’t make himself care as he started moving inside her.

She angled her hips up and he grabbed under one of her knees and pushed it back, giving him better access to push deeper.

“Clarke.” Her name rasped out without his permission and he laid his body down flatter, trying to get as close to her as he could.

_Thank god she was flexible_, he thought.

She cried out at the new angle and reached her hand up to the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

“Bell, please- please I-“ she broke off with a moan and his hand reached to find her clit, rubbing in circles and his breath ran across her ear.

He kissed her hard, pushing his tongue into her mouth, then wrapped his arms around her waist. He wanted more of her. He wanted his skin on her skin, to feel everything, every part of her. Regardless of the fact that he couldn’t, he felt himself already close to coming.

The tension had built for too long and now he was ready to burst- quite literally.

He broke the kiss, leaning back to look at her and slowed his movements. “God, Clarke. You’re so beautiful.”

Her eyes moved to his, suddenly filled with tears.

“I love you.” He told her.

His voice sent shivers across her body. She’d never get tired of hearing it.

“I love you too, Bellamy.” She whispered, trying to keep her voice steady.

All of a sudden, he wished he’d gotten her in the house and to the bed, instead of fucking her out in the truck like some horny teenager. Well, she was a teenager, but he should have more self control than that.

Too late now though. He kissed her softer this time and slowly pushed all the way inside her, filling her and grinding against her clit.

He swallowed her gasp and repeated the movement.

She was getting close, he could tell. Her body started to shudder, tremors running through her and he could feel her muscles tightening.

He moved his mouth to her ear and nibbled. “Come on, princess. I wanna hear you.”

She pushed her hands under his shirt and dug her fingers into his back. “Bellamy...”

“I’m right here, baby. Come for me. I’ve got you.”

She swore it was his voice that took her over the edge. She grasped onto him tightly as she felt her orgasm start to run through her body. “Yes, Bell-“ she moaned as he kept thrusting into her, letting her ride it out.

He wasn’t far behind her though. She felt his movements become erratic and he groaned, letting his head fall into the crook of her neck as he came.

She recovered before him, gently running her hands through his hair and catching her breath. He was shaking, probably from the effort from trying not to put his weight on her too much and to keep himself in the strange position he’d had to be in.

After a couple minutes, he raised himself up, kissed her forehead and slipped himself back into his pants. He reached down and grabbed her leggings, helping her put them back on.

He sat back in the drivers seat and smiled, but made a face, scratching his head. “I showed zero control just then.” He smiled, a little embarrassed.

She giggled and reached down to grab her shoes. “Well, we made it to the driveway at least.” She teased.

He chuckled and shook his head, turning the truck off.

Once they were inside, Clarke went upstairs to take a shower and Bellamy started some hot chocolate for her. It was pretty cold even inside the house. He checked the thermostat, turning the temperature up.

By the time she walked down, he was pouring her hot chocolate. She’d put on one of his hoodies and some sleep shorts.

“It’s kinda chilly in here.” She said.

“Yeah, I turned the heat up some, but I’m gonna start a fire.” He told her, handing her the mug.

She sat on the couch and watched as he got the fire started.

She felt... lucky. She felt _happy_.

Sure, she was still scared. There was a lot to still be _scared of_. She had to go back to school, she had to go to court, see her parents. See _him_. Then she’d have to stand up and tell everyone what had happened to her.

So yeah, she was still scared. But Bellamy... he made her feel safe. And for the first time, feel loved.

“You send that video to the child service lady?” His voice broke her thoughts.

She blinked and shook her head. “No. I need to though, huh?”

He looked back and nodded sadly. “You heard Echo. You won’t have to go back there.”

“Do you think she’ll make me like, go into a group home or something?” She asked nervously.

“Not if she doesn’t know where you are.” He said.

She pulled out her phone and emailed the video to the email on the card the woman had given Bellamy, with a little info written at the bottom.

“We need to get you a new phone. New number. So you can ditch that one.” He told her, sitting down next to her.

She nodded and bit her lip. “You really are perfect, you know that?” She said, leaning against him.

“Not even close, princess.” He sighed. “But I’m trying.”

“You’re doing a really good job.” She told him, softly.

He huffed a little laugh and wrapped his arm around her.

“We’ll go in tomorrow and get you a new phone.”

“Then back to school on Monday.” She said.

He heard the uncertainty in her voice.

“Maybe...” he cut off and sighed. “Maybe you shouldn’t, Clarke.”

“I have to finish school, Bell.” She looked up at him.

He clenched his jaw. He knew she did. They wouldn’t let her get emancipated if she wasn’t in school and just stayed home all day.

“I know.” He said tightly.

“I’ll be okay.” She tried to convince him, even though she wasn’t sure herself.

“I just... What if you’re not?” He asked. “What if- what if something happens? I can’t be there.”

Now it was his turn to sound nervous.

“You’ll never be able to be everywhere, Bellamy.” She said, gently. “I’ll have to take care of myself sometimes. Like the adult I’m trying to be.” She tried to joke.

He didn’t smile though, just kept the worried, tense look on his face.

“Hey,” she tried to comfort. “You’re the one that said it should blow over, remember? It may not even be a big deal anymore.”

He _had_ said that. But from the way Octavia had been acting, he had been wrong.

“I just have a bad feeling.” He admitted, quietly. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Something’s always bound to happen.” She shrugged sadly.

He closed his eyes. Looking at her life so far... she wasn’t wrong. But he was determined to stop that cycle.

“If Monday doesn’t go well,” he said opening his eyes to look at her. “You’re not going back, okay?”

He said ‘okay’ like it was a question, when it clearly wasn’t up for discussion. She smiled a little and nodded. “Okay.” She agreed.

He seemed to relax a little at that, leaning further into the couch and pulling her close.

“Bell?” She whispered into his chest.

“Yeah, princess?”

“...I don’t really know what we’re doing, but... I’m glad we’re doing it.”

He let a small smile slip. “Me too.” He whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot more happening in the next couple chapters. Hope I haven’t lost you guys yet! Just hang in there!


	18. ~ Worse ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter here. A lot more going on than in last chapters. Trigger warning on this one. See end of chapter for the notes if you wanna know what it is first.

The rest of the weekend went by quicker than they would have liked. When Monday morning came, it was wet. It was somewhere between rain and snow, and really just miserable.

They’d gotten Clarke a new phone, with a new number. One her parents didn’t have and never would.

Echo had done exactly what she’d promised and managed to get a court date for Thursday.

Clarke was happy, but nervous. She wished her parents would just sign her away, but that would be giving her what she wanted and they’d never do that.

Bellamy was making himself busy in the kitchen while her and Octavia ate breakfast. He couldn’t sit still. The anxiety that was building would explode if he sat still.

“Are you sure you wanna go?” Octavia asked Clarke.

Bellamy’s head snapped over to them, thankful Octavia had asked since he’d already driven Clarke nuts about it.

“I have to, guys.” She said. “I don’t really have a choice. I have to get this emancipation.”

He knew. Fuck, _he knew_. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

“Can’t you like get your GED or something?” Octavia asked.

Bellamy's eyebrows shot up. Now there’s an idea.

“I... don’t know.” Clarke responded and looked to Bellamy. “Can I?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I can find out today though.” He said. “That may be enough to make the court happy.”

In the mean time, it didn’t look good that she’d missed a week of school. Which meant, unfortunately, she really _did_ need to go.

He sighed. “But...”

“But today I should go.” She finished when he didn’t.

He tightened his jaw and nodded.

Octavia sighed then. “Well then I guess we better get going.”

The girls grabbed their bags and Bellamy followed them out the door.

The whole way to the school, Bellamy had a death grip on the wheel. She was gonna get so much shit today. He just knew it. He didn’t want to think about it, but it was all he _could_ think about.

Octavia just hoped the things people were saying behind her back, wouldn’t be said to her face. Maybe they’d stare and whisper and that’d be the worst of it... but kids are mean. That was the saying, right?

When they pulled up, Octavia hopped out and shut the door, trying to give them a moment.

Bellamy sighed a little, his whole body still tense.

He couldn’t even kiss her like he wanted. Not in front of the school.

She rested her hand on his thigh and put his hand over hers, squeezing.

“I love you.” He told her, rubbing his thumb across her hand.

“I love you too, Bell. I’ll be okay.”

“Call me if you need anything. Or if I need to come get you. I can be here in 10 minutes.”

“I will. I promise.”

He swallowed and nodded, then picked her hand up, kissing the back of her hand.

“Don’t let them get to you.” He whispered.

She squeezed his hand once more and grabbed her bag, jumping out.

_She’ll be fine_, he told himself. It didn’t help ease his mind though.

Clarke already felt eye’s on her. She caught up to Octavia and sighed.

“It’s gonna be like this all day isn’t it?” Clarke asked.

Octavia sighed. “No. It’ll get worse.”

Raven caught sight of them and ran over, looping her arm in Clarke’s.

“Hey, you doin’ okay?” She asked.

Clarke tried to smile and shrugged. “Been worse.”

“Don’t listen to anyone. Everything that they say is bullshit.” Raven tried to comfort.

Finn came into sight and Clarke sighed.

“I’m not really in the mood for his shit.” She said.

He spotted them and started walking their way, cocky grin on his face already.

“Looks like you’re gonna get it anyway.” Raven said, annoyed.

Octavia moved to stand in front of them and stopped walking, staring down Finn.

“Just fuck off.” She told him.

“Wow. That’s hurtful. And I thought we were friends.” Finn said, feign offended.

“I’ve literally never done anything to give you that impression.” She deadpanned.

“I just wanted to see how Clarke was doing.” He looked around Octavia to see Raven’s arms hooked around Clarke’s. “Aw, so you guys _are_ fucking.” He said. “And here I thought Lexa was crazy.”

“And so what if we are, asshole?” Raven asked.

“Well then I guess she’s just making her way around the school.” He remarked.

Clarke’s blood was starting to boil. She tried to replay Bellamys words in her head. _‘Don’t let them get to you’_

“Outside the school too, it seems. Since she had to have _two_ of her boyfriends show up at the party she got fucked up at.” Finn continued. “And one is your brother?” He asked looking at Octavia. “Now that’s pretty fucked.”

Clarke unlooped her arm from Raven’s, and put herself in front of Octavia in a split second, pushing him back.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” She shouted.

“Oh, I knew you liked it rough.” He moved close to her, trying to press his body against hers.

Clarke picked her knee up fast and hard, shoving it into his groin.

“Don’t fucking touch me again.” She growled as he fell.

They had caught the attention of some other students now.

Raven grabbed Clarke’s arm and pulled her away. “Come on, we need to get out of here.”

Clarke followed, gladly. She’d be happy if she never had to see Finn again.

“You okay?” Octavia asked.

“I’m fine.” She said, but they could hear the anger in her voice. “I just hope that’s the worst of it.”

“Let’s hope.” Raven agreed.

First period was easy enough. People stared, whispered, but no one else came directly to to her. That didn’t stop the uncomfortable feeling that wouldn’t go away.

Second period, she didn’t have with either Raven or Octavia. She was on her own.

About half way through, she’d asked to go to the bathroom. She needed a minute to herself. Away from the prying eyes and the whispers. Away from everyone else. Her anxiety was building.

She leaned against the sink, taking a deep breath.

“Don’t let them get to you.” She whispered to herself through closed eyes.

“Who?”

She jumped at a male voice behind her and jerked around.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” She asked, a little shaky.

She vaguely recognized him. Dax was his name, she was pretty sure. On the basketball team. Douche bag to the highest degree.

“Just saw you walking down the hall all alone.” He shrugged. “Wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.” She snapped. “You really shouldn’t be in here.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot of things I really shouldn’t do, but...” he moved closer to her, forcing her to back up, pinning herself against the sink.

“Get off of me!” She yelled, pushing his chest hard, but he was strong. A lot stronger than her.

He grabbed her arms and slammed her back against the wall between the sinks, pinning her legs with his, leaving her defenseless.

She felt his hardness against her and it made her feel sick.

“Get off!” She yelled, fighting his grip.

He tried to enclose both of her wrists in one of his hands and covered her mouth.

His mistake.

She bit down, hard.

“You fucking bitch!” He yelled and backhanded her. “Don’t act like you don’t fucking like it.”

He pressed into her body harder with his and shoved his hand up her shirt.

She tried to drop all her body weight down to get away, but his body was too tight against hers for it to work.

He moved his head closer and she took the opportunity, head butting him right in the nose.

_That_ he wasn’t expecting.

“Shit!” He staggered back, clutching his nose.

Then she ran. Fast.

She wasn’t sure where she was going, but she had to get out of this school.

She ran outside. Her first thought was Bellamy. She had gone to the bathroom without any of her things. No phone, no jacket, and it was snowing and raining on and off.

She couldn’t go back inside that place. There was only one place she could get to.

•

Murphy and his assistant manager, Luna always got to the bar early to open.

He was pulling down the chairs from the table when someone knocked on the door.

“We’re closed!” He shouted.

They knocked again, harder this time.

Murphy rolled his eyes at Luna and walked to the door, as they knocked yet again.

“Jesus Christ.” He said opening the door. “I said we’re fucking clo-“ he cut off seeing Clarke, standing there covered in snow, soaking wet, without a jacket. “Clarke, what the hell? What happened?!”

She couldn’t form an answer.

Luna walked to door and saw her. “For Christ sake, John! Get her inside!”

Luna shoved him out of the way and wrapped her arm around Clarke, walking her inside.

“Go and get a jacket.” She ordered him.

She led Clarke to a chair. She was shaking hard, her teeth chattering.

Murphy ran over, covering her with a jacket and didn’t miss how she flinched.

“I- Bellamy- I need-“ her voice was hard to understand, she was shaking so hard.

Luna rubbed her hands up and down Clarke’s now covered arms, trying to warm them up with friction.

“I’m gonna go call Bellamy.” Murphy ran over to grab his phone from the counter, quickly dialing Bellamy’s number. “Hey, you need to get over here. Fast.”

“What’s wrong?” Bellamy asked.

He wasn’t about to tell him what was wrong, just so he could kill himself trying to get here. Plus, he wasn’t really sure what was wrong anyway.

“Just get here, Bellamy.” He snapped.

“I’ll be there in 5.”

He hung up and walked back over to where Luna was kneeled by Clarke.

Murphy lowered himself to his knees and made sure to keep his voice soft. “Clarke, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Bellamy- I need- I- I couldn’t get to the shop. It- it was too far.” Her words were choppy, her entire body still shaking and her breaths were fast and shallow. “I left my phone- I- I left it-“

“Hey, it’s okay.” Luna comforted. “Bellamy is on the way.” She looked up at Murphy. “Right?”

He nodded. “He’ll be here in 5 minutes.”

“Just breathe.” Luna soothed. She placed her hands on either side of Clarke’s face, trying to get her to focus.

Murphy noticed the red mark on her cheek and tightened his jaw. “Shit.” He whispered under his breath.

“In and out, alright?” Luna kept talking.

Clarke wasn’t really responsive.

“Please.” Clarke whispered shakily. “I- I need him.”

“He’ll be here any minute, love. I’m going to grab another jacket, alright?” Luna told her, standing up.

Clarke barely nodded in response.

“Hey!” Murphy whisper/yelled, following Luna. “Someone _hit_ her.”

“I know.” She said solemnly.

“She flinched when I put the jacket on her.” He kept talking. “Do you think-“

“I _think_,” Luna cut him off. “That we need to get her warm and wait for Bellamy.”

“This was her first day back at the school.” Murphy told her.

Luna looked down sadly and shook her head, then grabbed another jacket.

“Fuck, Bellamy is gonna kill someone.” Murphy muttered.

She walked back over to Clarke and placed it over the front of her.

“Clarke,” Luna started. “Are you okay? Do we need to call the cops?”

Clarke’s eyes widened at that. “No! No- please.”

The door opened quickly, revealing Bellamy.

His face turned panicked as he saw her. “Clarke?”

He was across the room in less than a second. She stood up to meet him and flung her arms around him as soon as he was in reach.

His heart was pounding against his chest at the sight of her.

“Jesus, Clarke, you’re freezing.” He pushed her back, placing a hand on the side of her face to look at her, his mind racing, trying to think of what could’ve happened.

He quickly processed two things. One: she _was_ in fact freezing. She was shaking and wet, which meant she had walked here. Two: there was a red mark on her cheek. Someone hit her.

He forced himself not to get mad and overreact before he knew what happened.

“Hey, listen to me. What happened? Who hit you?” He asked, his hand still laid on her face, trying to keep his voice calm, but failing.

She shook her head and bit her lip, trying to keep tears back. “I can’t go back again, Bell.”

He pushed down the anger he felt boiling. She needed him right now. She didn’t need his anger.

“You don’t have to, princess. It’s okay.” He said as softly as he could. “Are you hurt?” He looked her up and down, searching for another injury.

He had a hundred questions running through his mind, but he needed to calm her down first.

She shook her head. “I- I just-“ she broke off in a sob. “God, I’m so stupid-“

“Relax, baby. Breathe.” He took his jacket off and placed it over the one already on her.

He led her to one of the booths and pulled the table out so there was room for her to sit on his lap. She curled around him, trying to soak up as much warmth as she could.

Luna and Murphy made themselves busy around the bar, giving them their space.

Once her shaking slowed and she wasn’t crying anymore, he kissed her head and tried to look down at her. He decided to start with an easy question, keeping his voice low and comforting

“Where’s your jacket?”

“I left it at the school.”

He nodded. “You’re phone too?”

“I didn’t grab anything. I just... I just ran.” She said, sounding scared.

“It’s okay.” He squeezed her arm, reassuringly.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, a couple fresh tears falling.

“Just relax, princess. You don’t have to be sorry.” He moved her so she was looking at him and brushed away her tears. “Tell me what happened.”

She shook her head and sniffed. “When I got to school, Finn was just being a dick like normal, and I- I dealt with that. Then everyone was just staring and whispering and I just needed a minute, so I went to the bathroom.”

He stayed silent, listening to her unsteady voice.

“This guy... from the basketball team... I guess he saw me and he followed me in.”

His whole body went rigid.

“What did he do?” His voice was no longer soft. He was angry.

“I didn’t let him do anything. I stopped him.”

“You didn’t _let_ him? So he tried?” He was failing to keep the edge off his voice.

She bit her lip and thought for a second before nodding. “He pushed me against the sink and held me there. I bit his hand and then he hit me.”

He’d heard enough. He moved her off his lap and stood up. “What’s his name?”

“Bell, please, don’t.”

“Clarke, _tell me_ what his name is.” His voice was firm now. Filled with rage, pronouncing every word slowly.

She swallowed. “If I tell you, will you please just stay here?”

He clenched jaw. “If you _don't_ tell me, I’ll go beat the hell out of the entire basketball team until I find out and then I’ll kill him anyway.”

She looked to Murphy, who shook his head and sighed.

“His name is Dax.” She sighed.

He grabbed his keys from the jacket she was wearing and stormed towards the door.

“Bellamy, wait!” Clarke rushed after him.

Murphy moved quickly in front of the door, blocking his way.

“Move out of my way.” Bellamy warned, voice low and dangerous.

“Listen, man, you know this is a bad idea.”

“The fuck I do.” He tried to shove past him, but Murphy pushed him back.

“You _do_, Bellamy.” Murphy said firmly.

“Murphy, don’t make me hurt you.” He threatened.

“You remember what you told me?” Murphy asked quickly. “You have to worry about them now.”

“This _is_ now!” Bellamy yelled. ”She was attacked _today_, Murphy!”

“You really wanna get yourself arrested before her court date? Leave Octavia without a legal guardian and Clarke without a place to stay? That seems like a good idea to you?”

Bellamy worked his jaw and pushed away angrily.

“Fuck!” He yelled and punched the solid wood wall.

Murphy winced. That shit had to have hurt, but Bellamy didn’t even flinch.

“So, _what_?” He shouted, gesturing his hands wildly. “I just fucking let him get away with trying to rape her?”

“If it means you get to stay out of jail and keep Clarke from having to go back with her parents? Yeah.”

“Bell, please.” Clarke slowly walked up and took her hand in his. “I need you here.”

Her voice was so small and soft- worried. It made him take a deep breath, trying to calm down. He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand tight.

“It’s not worth it, Bellamy.” She said. “I don’t wanna lose you over him.”

He opened his eyes to look at her. “He tried to rape you, Clarke. You want me to just let that shit go?” He asked, disbelievingly.

“Yes. I do.” She said, firmly. “Please, Bell.” She softened her voice. “I just wanna forget about it.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, moving to take a seat. This was so wrong.

He leaned forward, arms on his knees and head down, looking defeated.

Clarke and Murphy both breathed a sigh of relief.

After a minute, he took a deep breath and stood up. “Let’s go. We need to get you home and warmed up.”

Clarke nodded, but went to Murphy and Luna first. “Thank you, guys. I’m sorry.”

Luna smiled and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“I’ll see you guys later.” She said with a small smile.

When they got in the truck, he turned the heat full blast and pointed all the vents to her.

“I’m sorry.” She told him as they drove.

He shook his head, a little frustrated. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Clarke. You didn’t do anything wrong here, okay?”

“I’ve fucked my life up so bad.” She whispered, sadly. “He came after me because of what I’ve done. Because of what people are saying... that’s my fault.”

“You haven’t fucked up your whole life.” He calmed his voice. “And what you’ve done? It doesn’t give him a right to do anything. It doesn’t excuse him. It just makes him an asshole for trying.” He said, letting a little anger slip back into his voice.

He took a deep breath to calm back down.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you go.” He mumbled to himself.

His anger was building back up.

She didn’t think she could say anything that would help, so she stayed silent.

“Text Octavia and tell her to grab your stuff. I’m dropping you off at home and then going to the school.”

Her head shot over to him. “Why?”

“If I cant kill the fucker, I’m gonna at least tell the school what he did.”

She relaxed a little, leaning back against the seat.

“They’re not going to do anything about it.” She said sadly.

“They fuckin’ better.” He snapped.

After a moment, he seemed to calm down a bit more. He glanced over at her and rested his hand on her thigh and she quickly moved hers over it, squeezing tight.

“Are you okay?” He asked. The anger that had been in his voice was now filled with worry.

She nodded. “I’m okay now. It just... scared me, I guess. I freaked out and I ran, but the shop was too far to run to.” She shrugged a little. “The bar was the only place I could think of, because I knew Murphy could get you.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice was rough and upset.

She looked at him, brows furrowed. “What for?”

He shook his head and sighed. “For getting so angry. I shouldn’t be worried about him, I should be worried about you. And instead I got pissed off and was ready to take off to kill the kid.”

She stayed quiet, because he didn’t seem done.

“I _still_ wanna fuckin’ kill him.” He said angry. “But... you and Murphy are right. I don’t wanna lose you now. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

She nodded. “I know you’re angry. I should’ve been paying more attention. I was upset and I wasn’t thinking clearly. He cornered me and... I panicked.”

“You got away from him, Clarke.” He said firmly. “You did everything right. You got away and you ran.”

“I’m pretty sure I broke his nose.” She admitted.

That actually got a laugh out of him and she smiled back.

“Well he’s lucky you two were there to talk me down, or he’d have a hell of a lot more than a broken nose to worry about.” He told her.

The air around them was a little lighter now.

He didn’t want to think about what he would’ve done if the kid had actually raped her. Because then... well, then he would’ve gone to jail and he wouldn’t have even thought twice about it.

He was starting to think that there probably wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her.

He walked her in the house and then headed to the school.

He called ahead to let principal Wallace know he needed to meet.

“Mr. Blake?” One of the office ladies greeted him.

“Yeah. That’s me.”

“Principal Wallace is expecting you. You can go on in.” She said.

He nodded and walked in.

“Ahh, Mr. Blake.” Wallace smiled. “How are you?”

Bellamy hovered for a moment, just swaying there. “I’ve been better, if I’m being honest.”

Wallace looked a little confused. “Well, Octavia is doing fantastic. I heard she got into a wonderful college.”

He ran a hand down his beard. “Yeah. Yeah, she did... this uh- this isn’t about Octavia, actually.”

“Ah.” He said in realization. “This is about Clarke.”

Bellamys head shot up. “...yeah.”

Wallace nodded. “She’s a troubled young woman.”

“One of your students tried to rape her today.” Bellamy just came straight out with it.

Wallace’s eyes widened. “And where did you hear this from?”

“From Clarke.”

“And which student is she saying did this?” Wallace asked.

“His name is Dax.”

Wallace leaned back and laughed. “Mr. Blake, Dax is our star basketball player. I assure you, he did nothing of the sort.”

Bellamy felt his anger start to boil. “Are you saying I’m lying?”

“I’m saying maybe you were told wrong.” Wallace answered.

“So you’re saying _Clarke_ is a liar?” He started to pace to keep from yelling.

“Mr. Blake, Dax already came to me and told me that Clarke hit him today, unprovoked. Broke his nose actually.”

“And you’re gonna believe that shit?” He asked astounded.

“Mr. Blake-“

“_Stop_ with the Mr. Blake bullshit!” Bellamy yelled.

“You have to understand,” Wallace continued. “With Clarke’s reputation-“

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Bellamys voice boomed. “So because Clarke has a few things to work through, we don’t believe what she says about being corned and attacked?”

“Did Clarke have any visible injuries?” Wallace asked.

“No, but-“

“Well Dax does.” He cut Bellamy off. “Several students also saw an altercation with another student, Finn Collins, this morning. Who do you think people will believe?”

Bellamy scoffed. “I guess it’s pretty clear who you believe.”

“Why are you so concerned with her, Mr. Blake?”

“That’s not really any of your goddamn business, is it?” Bellamy snapped. “You know what? I’m done here.” He opened the door. “Thanks for nothing.”

He slammed the door behind him and took a deep breath before going to the truck to wait for Octavia.

When she got to the truck, she put Clarke’s bag down. “What the hell happened?” She asked. “Where’s Clarke?”

Bellamys attention wasn’t on her though. He was looking out the window of the truck.

“Hey, who’s that?” He pointed at a kid with a napkin to his bloody nose.

Octavia followed his finger. “Oh, that’s Dax. Why?”

He put the truck in drive and followed the kid as he walked to his car.

“Bell, _what_ is going on?” Octavia asked, confused.

Dax stopped, reaching his car and Bellamy jerked the truck into park, jumping out.

Dax turned, surprised at the noise but Bellamy was fast, grabbing him by the collar and slamming his head back against the car.

“Dude, what the fuck?!” Dax yelled.

Bellamy took out his switchblade and aimed it at Dax’s stomach, digging into his jacket.

“Hey, man! Chill!” Dax yelled again.

Octavia opened the door and popped her head over the top of the truck. “Bellamy, what the hell are you doing?” She yelled.

Bellamy ignored her, tightening his grip on his shirt. “You think it’s okay to follow girls into the bathroom and force them to do things they don’t wanna do?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He defended.

“Yeah, you know looking at you’re fucked up nose, I’m calling bullshit on that.” Bellamy growled.

“That bitch is crazy. I didn’t touch her!”

Bellamy brought the knife closer to Dax’s ribs. “That _what_?” He threatened.

“Nothing!” Dax yelled scared. “What the fuck is your problem, man?”

“You ever touch her or anyone else like that ever again, I swear to god, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.” His voice sounded more deadly than Octavia had ever heard before. “Got it?” Bellamy asked.

Dax nodded hastily. “I- I got it. I won’t touch her again.”

Bellamy put the switchblade away, grabbed Dax with his other hand too, and jerked his knee into his groin.

Dax cried out and Bellamy let go, letting him hit the ground.

He jumped back in the truck and drove off quickly.

“You wanna tell me what the hell is going on?” Octavia asked, worked up.

“Not really.” He snapped, voice still filled with rage.

She widened her eyes and sat back, flinging her arms in the air with a scoff. “So you’re just gonna tell me to get Clarke’s stuff after she disappears from school, chase after a random kid, put a fucking knife to him, but give me no explanation?”

“Octavia, I’m not in the mood right now, okay?” He snapped.

“Jesus Christ, Bell. You are losing your shit.” She accused.

“That ‘random kid’ tried to rape Clarke today, Octavia! So excuse me if I’m a little on edge.”

That shut her up. Her mouth dropped open, but no sound came out for a moment. “He what?” She asked once she recovered.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He said quieter.

Octavia’s eyes filled with tears. “Is- is she okay? Did he- oh my god.” She shook her head.

He sighed. He didn’t meant to spring that on her. Didn’t mean to take something out on her that he shouldn’t have.

He just needed a moment to breathe. To calm down.

“She’s okay. She got away from him.” He said as calmly as he could. “I just- I _really_ don’t wanna talk about it right now.” He stressed.

Octavia swallowed. “She shouldn’t have gone.” She said mainly to herself. “She doesn’t have to go back, does she?”

Apparently Octavia didn’t understand his words when he said he didn’t wanna talk about it.

“No.” He said. “I talked to Echo this morning. If she gets her GED, the court will be fine with that.”

“Thank god.” She breathed.

She quieted down after that, not speaking for most of the ride home.

When they pulled in the driveway she turned to look at him. “Are _you_ okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine.” But he didn’t look fine. He looked stressed out, tired, worried.

“You don’t look fine.” She said. “Plus, you just held a knife to a kids ribs.”

“Well I am.” He told her as confidently as he could. “I’m not the one you need to be worried about.”

She knew she wasn’t going to get anywhere with him like this, so she rolled her eyes and headed in the house.

Clarke met them at the door and Octavia embraced her right away. “Are you okay?” She asked. “Bellamy told me what happened.”

Clarke pulled back and nodded. “I’m okay. I just got a little shaken up.”

“Yeah, maybe tell _him_ that.” Octavia motioned her head towards Bellamy.

Now it was Bellamys turn to roll his eyes. He shut the door and kicked his shoes off.

“You talked to principal Wallace?” Clarke asked.

“Uh, yeah. It- didn’t really go that well.” He answered hesitantly.

“I’m not surprised.” Clarke sighed.

“Yeah, so instead Bellamy followed Dax to his car and threatened to kill him.” Octavia ratted him out.

“Wait. What?” Clarke grabbed his arm, making him face her.

“I just... scared him a little.” Bellamy defended, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t hurt him.”

“You absolutely did.” Octavia argued. “I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, but that knee to the nuts took him down pretty hard.”

“Bell, you said you’d let it go.” Clarke looked at him, fear obvious on her face.

“And now I will.” He said firmly. “But I wasn’t gonna let him near you again and I wanted him to know that.”

There wasn’t much she could say. It was done now.

He walked to the kitchen, starting to make dinner, trying to make himself busy.

“He’s in a serious mood.” Octavia said quietly.

Clarke sighed and Octavia made herself sparse, going upstairs to give him some space.

Fuck, he really wanted a drink, but with Clarke here, he felt like he couldn’t. Or shouldn’t.

He was just wound up. He needed a workout. He needed a good fight. A punching bag. Something, to let his frustration out.

Clarke came to sit at the kitchen island as he banged his way around the kitchen, making dinner.

“You’re upset again.” She said softly.

“Yeah.” He said matter of factly. “I fucking am, Clarke. Because you were attacked today. You had to run to the bar in the fucking snow and get help and Wallace doesn’t give a shit about it. And why? Because the kid is some fucking baseball player? Who gives a shit? He’s on the sports team, so let’s let him fucking rape women?”

“Bell-“

“No, Clarke, I-“ he stopped to take a breath. He was raising his voice and he tried to bring it back down. He didn’t need to yell at her. It wasn’t at _her_ really, he was just angry and it was coming out. He leaned his elbows against the island and let his head fall to his hands, running them through his hair.

Wordlessly she walked around to stand behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

That itself allowed him to breathe a bit better. He turned and pulled her into his chest, squeezing tightly, breathing in her scent.

“I’m okay, Bell.” She comforted. “Nothing happened.”

“It could have though.” He whispered roughly.

She pulled back and moved her hand to his cheek. He was blinking back tears and swallowed hard.

“I know.” She whispered. “Believe me, I know I’m lucky.”

“Lucky isn’t a word that I’d use.”

“It did really scare me.” She admitted. “I just wanted to get to you.”

He kissed her forehead and then hugged her once more.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” He rasped.

She shook her head and pulled back. “Don’t be sorry, Bell... you can’t be anywhere 24/7.” She shrugged. “I have to take care of myself.”

“You’ve been taking care of yourself.” He said. “You need a break.”

She shook her head again. “What about you?” She whispered. “Bell, you... you’ve been taking care of yourself and Octavia for so long... and now you’re taking care of me too.”

“Because I want to.”

“I know.” She stood on her toes to kiss him and his arms wrapped around her. “And I love you so much for it, but-.”

“But nothing.” He cut her off. “Clarke, I’m doing what I want to do. Taking care of you, it’s what I want.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it, then had to turn his attention back to the stove.

“Bell, I just think-“

“Echo said you could get your GED.” He cut her off, making it clear he didn’t want to talk about it. “The court will except that if you’re signed up to take it and show all your grades from this year.”

“Really?” Her face lit up and even with all the shit today, it still made him smile.

“Yeah, really.” He confirmed. “We’ll enroll you to take the test tomorrow, so we can show the court Thursday that you’re registered. We’ll set it for a couple months out to give you time to study.”

She sighed in relief and smiled.

“So now we just... wait for Thursday?” She asked.

“Now we wait for Thursday.” He confirmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attempted rape/assault.


	19. ~ Stressed Out ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post today, if you guys are still alive out there lol. It was a crazy hectic day.

Wednesday night Bellamy was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner when someone knocked on the door.

His head shot up. They weren’t expecting anyone and the last unexpected visit they got was from the social worker.

He motioned with his head for the girls to go upstairs and waited for them to be gone before heading to the door.

His heart stopped when he opened the door. He recognized his face immediately even though he’d never actually met him. Clarke’s dad. _Jake._

“Give me my daughter.” Jake spat.

“How bout you go fuck yourself instead.” Bellamy answered harshly. He moved to slam the door shut, but her dad shoved his foot to block it.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me.” He raised his voice. “Give me my daughter.”

“Why? So you can try to rape her again?” Bellamy’s voice boomed and he pushed him back. “So you can bang her around some more?” He knew he shouldn’t be yelling. The girls could probably hear him, but he couldn’t help it.

“That’s the bullshit she’s filling your head with?” He asked. “You know she’s an alcoholic? Probably on drugs. You can’t believe anything she says.”

“Get the hell off my property before I call the cops.”

“You think you’re protecting the little bitch, but-“

Her dad was cut off as Bellamy shoved him backwards hard. “Don’t fuckin’ talk about her.” He growled darkly. “You’ve got one more chance to get off this property before I shoot you myself and forget about calling the cops.”

“I should’ve killed her when I had the chan-“

Bellamy shoved him hard against the porch post before Jake could even finish the sentence. Bellamy was a little shorter than him, but he was stronger and right now it was taking every bit of self restraint to not kill this man.

He leaned close to him, grip tight on Jake’s shirt.

“You’re not gonna ever fucking touch her again. Because I swear to god, I’ll kill you before you can even blink. Got it?”

Their heads jerked towards the driveway, headlights coming towards the house.

Murphy’s car.

Bellamy pushed away from him as Murphy got out of the car.

“Everything okay, Bellamy?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Bellamy answered angrily. “_Mr. Griffin_ was just leaving.”

“Mr. Griffin?” Murphy puffed his chest out and moved closer to him, crossing his arms. “Why the hell are you here?”

Jake scoffed and backed up, stepping off the porch. “I’ll just see her in court then.”

“Yeah, I guess you fuckin’ will.” Bellamy snapped.

Once he was gone Murphy turned to Bellamy. “What the hell was he doing here?”

“He wanted to see Clarke.”

“Does she know he was here?” Murphy asked.

Bellamy winced, thinking about how she had to have heard him yelling. “Probably.”

“You alright?”

“I-“ Bellamy sighed. “I fuckin’ told him I’d shoot him.”

“Threats?” Murphy commented. “Old school Bellamy. I like it.”

“Not the first one this week either.” He admitted.

“I knew it.” Murphy said. “You went after the kid at the school, didn’t you?”

“I just told him to stay away from her.” He defended.

“And you told him nicely, I suppose?” Murphy asked sarcastically.

Bellamy leaned against the railing, starting to shiver a little from the cold. “I- just pushed him around a little.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Murphy said.

“What are you doing here anyway?” Bellamy changed the subject.

“I just wanted to come by and check in. Make sure you were doing okay since court’s in the morning.”

“I’m alright.” He shrugged. “I’m just...” he stopped and took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair. “They’re gonna give her this, right?”

He managed to keep his voice from shaking, but he couldn’t keep the worry out of it.

“Echo seems to think so.” Murphy said. “Seems to _know so_, actually.”

“But... it’s possible that they won’t?”

“Shit, man, I... I don’t see how anyone in their right mind would let those people keep custody of her. Especially since she’s not too far off from turning 18.” Murphy admitted. “I really think she’ll get this, Bellamy.”

He nodded and closed his eyes. “God, I’m so fucking stressed out.” He breathed out.

“You look like you need a drink.” Murphy told him.

“I’ve needed a drink all god damn week.”

“Come on.” Murphy grabbed his arm. “Let’s get inside. It’s too cold out here.”

Bellamy was shaking, but Murphy wasn’t sure if it was from anger or from cold.

“Was that him?” Clarke was at the door as soon as it opened. “Was that my dad?”

Bellamy straightened his back. Murphy could see him going right back into his protective mode.

“Yes.” He put his hands on Clarke’s arms. “But he’s gone, okay?” He told her, seeing the look of panic in her eyes.

“That’s why you were yelling? Did- did he hurt you?”

“Hey, no. Listen to me.” He moved his hand to the side of her neck and made his voice low. “He didn’t hurt me. I’m okay.”

“What did he want?” She whispered, trying to keep her voice steady.

“It doesn’t matter.” He told her firmly. “Because he’s not gonna get it.”

“Bell-“

“I know, princess, but you need to calm down.” He said. “He’s gone. And after tomorrow, we’ll never have to see him again... Okay?”

She swallowed and took a deep breath, nodding.

“Just go upstairs, please.” He asked her. “I’ll be up there in a minute.”

She bit her lip, but turned to walk upstairs.

Murphy was almost amazed at how Bellamy could compartmentalize- shut down his own fears so he could ease hers.

Octavia stood at the bottom of the steps.

“You said you were gonna shoot him.” Octavia said once Clarke was gone. “I heard you tell him that.”

Murphy rolled his eyes. “And you’re surprised by that because?...”

Bellamy just looked down.

She glared at Murphy, then back to Bellamy. “You told me you were gonna get rid of the gun when we moved here. Did you not do that?”

He lifted his head to look at her and just shrugged. “I made a decision.” He told her. “And that decision was to keep some form of protection in the house.”

“Without talking to me?” She raised her voice.

“You’re not in charge here, Octavia!” He shouted back. “I’m doing what I think I need to do to keep us safe.”

She lowered her voice, but not her anger. She shoved Bellamy hard. “So you think keeping a gun in the house is _safe_?” She asked. “What about Clarke, Bellamy?”

“What about her, Octavia?” He asked annoyed. “What does she have to do with it?”

Octavia scoffed at him. “Really?”

“For Christ sake, Octavia, she isn’t gonna kill herself.” He snapped.

“How do you know that?” She asked, angry.

“Because, I just do!” He raised his voice back up.

“Because you’re an expert on her now?” She snapped back.

“Maybe I fucking am, O.”

“How can you believe that so blindly? After the party? After she took those pills from mom? How are you not scared, Bellamy?” She yelled.

“You don’t think I’m scared, Octavia? That I’m not fucking _terrified_?” He shouted.

“I don’t know!” She yelled. “I don’t know _what_ you are, because every time I try to talk about it you shut down- bottle it up, just like you’ve always done!”

“I’m not- we’re not having this conversation.” He said calmer. “The gun stays. End of discussion.”

“So, just fuck what I think then?” Octavia asked.

“On _this_ matter?” He asked. “Yeah.”

She shook her head and stomped up the stairs, slamming her door.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” He yelled, kicking one of the chairs.

“How about that drink?” Murphy asked, walking to the kitchen.

He followed him, but shook his head. “No. I don’t wanna-“

“It’s fine, Bell.” Clarke’s voice came from the stairs.

He sighed as she walked into the kitchen and Murphy grabbed the whiskey.

“How much of that did you hear?” He asked, sitting at the island.

She shrugged a little. “All of it.”

He winced.

Murphy slid a glass of whiskey to him, but he pushed it back.

“Bell, if you’re not drinking because of me-“

“It’s not just you, princess.” He made his voice low. “Your court date is tomorrow too. I don’t need to be drinking tonight.”

“Oh, I think you do.” Murphy deadpanned.

“Shut up.” Bellamy grumbled.

“A drink to take the edge off isn’t gonna hurt anything, Bell.” She said.

“I’m okay.” He responded. “I promise.”

“Well, I could use it.” She said, reaching to grab the glass.

He put his hand over the top of it, stopping her. “You _really_ don’t need to drink tonight.”

She made a face, but nodded. She knew better than to argue with him. “Fine... Thanks for not thinking that I’m gonna kill myself.”

“Octavia doesn’t think that either.” He told her. “She’s just... worried. She doesn’t like that I have the gun and that’s just an excuse for her to make me get rid of it.”

“Well I think it’s smart to have.” She said. “Especially... especially since I’m putting you guys in danger.”

“Clarke, you’re not putting us in danger.” He said.

“I am, Bell.” She argued, softly. “My dad... he’s not a good person. He could hurt you.”

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing I kept the gun.” He comforted. “But I’m pretty sure I could take him without it.” He nudged her with a grin, trying to lighten the mood.

She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “You’re probably right.”

“Oh, he’s definitely right.” Murphy tipped the whiskey back himself. “You should’ve seen him when he used to fight. Undefeated. Best in the illegal underground game.”

“I would have loved to see that.” She smiled at him.

“Lots of girls did.” Murphy smirked.

“Mm, I’ll bet he had ‘em lined up.” She bumped his hip with hers, playfully.

“I did alright.” He smirked at her and turned to pull her body against him. “Doing a lot a better now though.”

Clarke rolled her eyes with a grin and Murphy fake gagged.

“Layin’ it on hard tonight, huh?” Murphy asked. “Looking for other forms of stress relief?”

Bellamy looked over Clarke to look at Murphy and flipped him the bird.

“Looks like I’ve overstayed my welcome.” Murphy grunted, pushing himself off the island. “Listen, I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning.”

“Morning?” Bellamy asked.

“Yeah. What? You think I’m gonna miss Clarke’s first taste of freedom?”

Clarke smiled at him. “Thanks, Murphy.”

“Ah, don’t thank me. That’s what friends are for.” He said walking to the door. “Be careful driving tomorrow. It’s supposed to get pretty nasty out.”

Bellamy nodded at him. “See ya’ Murphy.”

Clarke turned back to him once Murphy shut the door. “You should probably go talk to Octavia.”

He shook his head. “This isn’t something her and I are going to agree on. Trust me, that’s not a conversation we should have tonight.”

“Yeah, you’re both pretty hot headed.” She said.

“I’d argue with you, but then I’d just be proving your point.” He smirked again.

She let out a short laugh and turned around to head upstairs. “I’m gonna go talk to her, then I’ll come to bed. I wanna make sure I get enough sleep.”

“Okay. Just... she may not be in a great mood.” He warned.

“I wonder why.” She said sarcastically as she walked upstairs.

She knocked on Octavias door, then let herself in. “Hey.”

Octavia lifted her head from her pillow. “Hey.”

Clarke slowly made her way over to the bed and sat down. “Are you okay?” She asked.

“No.” She answered honestly. “I’m pissed at my brother.”

“Yeah, I heard that.” Clarke said. “Kind of feel like that’s my fault.”

Octavia sat up, fast. “It’s not. He told me he’d do something and he didn’t do it.”

“The gun?” Clarke asked.

Octavias mouth snapped shut for a moment. “You know about it?”

“I heard you guys yelling.” She admitted.

“...Clarke-“

“I don’t wanna kill myself, Octavia.” She said gently. “I know... I know that I’ve showed some- I don’t know, _signs_, I guess.” She shrugged. “But I don’t want to die.”

“Sometimes it’s not all about want.” Octavia said. “Sometimes people do things in the moment... they drink, they take a pill they shouldn’t, they want to hurt themselves.”

Clarke winced at that. “Yeah, I’ve um, made some- not so great choices... but Octavia, I am so close to being rid of all the bad shit in my life.” She blinked back her tears. “And that’s because of you and Bellamy. I love you guys and I don’t want to die... I don’t want to do that to you guys.” She finished off whispering.

Octavia sniffed and brushed away a stray tear, nodding. “I really don’t want you to do that to us either.” Her voice cracked.

“I’m not going to, Octavia. I promise.” Clarke said, her own tears falling.

“But you can’t promise that, Clarke.” Octavia argued. “You- Clarke, at that party... you wanted to die. You said it.”

“I didn’t mean that. I was- I was high and-“

“And what if you get high again?” Octavia argued.

“I-“ I won’t, she wanted to say. And she wanted it to be true. “Octavia, I’m trying... but don’t... don’t be mad at Bellamy, please.”

“He lied to me.”

“He’s trying to protect us.” Clarke said. “He’s doing the best he can... my dad could kill him, O. He needs that gun, or I need to leave.”

“You can’t leave.” Octavia told her.

“Then he can’t get rid of the gun.” She said slowly, praying it would sink in.

Octavia was quiet for a moment, then nodded. “Okay.”

She sighed in relief and nodded.

Clarke pulled her in for a hug and then stood up.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Clarke said, blinking back the last of her tears. “Night.”

“Night.” Octavia responded.

Clarke shut the door and walked to Bellamys room. He was already lying down, glasses on and book in hand, but he put it down when he saw her.

“How’d it go?” He asked.

She walked over and slid under the covers with him. “I told her you needed to keep the gun and that I wouldn’t kill myself.”

“And that worked?” He asked surprised.

“She said okay. I told her...” she sighed. “I told her that you were trying to keep us safe. That if I’m here, we need protection.”

He slowly nodded. “You ready for tomorrow?”

“A little nervous.” She confessed. “I don’t want to see them... and I _really_ don’t want to tell or show everyone what happened to me... but I have to.”

“And then you’ll never have to talk about it again if you don’t want to, princess.”

She scooted closer to him and he reached to turn the light off, leaving nothing but the moon lighting the room around them.

“I’m gonna get it, right?” She asked him.

“You’re going to get it.” He said confidently. He couldn’t let his own fears spread to her. “Just relax, baby. We’ve talked to Echo. You know what to say and how to say it. You know the questions they’ll ask you. You’ve got this.”

He heard her let out a relived sigh and she relaxed her body. “I love you, Bell.” She whispered.

“I love you too, princess. Get some sleep.” He kissed her head and pulled her closer into him.

Tomorrow, one way or another, everything was going to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m hoping the lack of love I’ve gotten the last two chapters is because everyone was busy with thanksgiving and not because I’ve started to completely suck 😂
> 
> The next chapter is very long and very emotional, so I hope you guys are ready!


	20. ~ Can’t Breathe ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, you guys were absolutely amazing last chapter! Thank you all so much. It’s really super encouraging. I’m sorry i missed my regular Saturday update, it was just such a full day! I hope this makes up for it. There’s a lot to take in here and I want to say I know court wouldn’t play out this way in real life and I’ve made some stuff up, but again, it’s fiction lol.

Everyone had taken off school and work for the hearing. Octavia, Raven and Niylah all sat in the first row with Bellamy and Murphy. Even Luna and Harper had shown up.

Bellamy wanted nothing more than to sit next to Clarke, but that wasn’t an option here. She had to be strong for herself.

“Alright, you remember everything we went over?” Echo asked Clarke.

She nodded. “I remember.”

“I know that this will be hard, but it’ll be worth it once it’s over. Your parents lawyer will try to make you look terrible, they’ll try to do whatever they can. Don’t let it get to you. I’ve seen this judge before, her name is Indra. Once you show her you’re capable and she sees what they’ve done, you’re in the clear.”

Clarke took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We’ve got this.” She said mainly to herself.

“We’ve got this.” Echo repeated confidently.

She turned as the doors opened and her parents walked in, but quickly turned away. Just looking at her dad made her feel sick.

He made a b-line straight for her, but was quickly stopped as Bellamy and Murphy blocked his way.

“You stay the hell away from her or I’ll kill you right here in this courtroom.” Bellamy warned lowly.

Echo stood and walked to stand in front of them. “Mr. Griffin, until this hearing is over, my client has no obligation to speak with you.” She looked over to her parents lawyer. “If you’d be so kind as to keep your clients away from mine.”

Jake opened his mouth to argue, but was pulled away by his lawyer to sit.

“All rise.” Someone shouted.

Everyone stood as Indra entered the court room, and waited until she gave the okay to sit.

“We are here today to decide on the emancipation of Miss Clarke Griffin. To start, I’d like to call Jake Griffin to the stand.”

“Mr. Griffin,” Indra started. “Is there anything you’d like to say before we start?”

“Your Honor, I’d like to say that I very much miss my daughter.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes at the fake sincerity.

“She has many issues that we, as a family would like to work through. We are aware that our daughter needs help, and we’d like to be that support system for her as long we can. She isn’t fit to be on her own.” Jake finished.

Bellamy worked his jaw and leaned forward, elbows on his knees, leg bouncing and hands in tight fists.

“Relax, man.” Murphy whispered.

“He’s full of shit.” Bellamy grumbled back.

Echo stood and walked to the stand. “Mr. Griffin, are you aware of the reason Clarke would like to be emancipated?”

“My daughter has always thought she could fend for herself, but she hasn’t proven herself to be very good at that.”

“Could you give an example of that?” Echo asked.

“Of- of her not being able to take care of herself?” He asked.

“Yes.” Echo confirmed.

“Well, she started drinking when she would go out at night. Her mother and I suspect she is doing drugs as well. She’s mentally unstable and she needs us to get through these issues.”

Bellamy could barely keep his mouth shut. He scoffed, shaking his head.

“What have you done to help her, Mr. Griffin?”

“Wha-“ he faltered. “Well, we, uh... we have talked about rehab.”

_“Talked about?”_ Echo asked.

“Yes.”

“But you haven’t actually done anything to _help_ _her_ with her alleged issues.”

“...no. We haven’t.” He answered begrudgingly.

“Don’t you think that a responsible parent would get their child help if they thought they needed it?”

“Well, not all children want it.” He defended.

“But, shouldn’t you at least have already tried?”

“...I suppose so, yes.” He answered.

“Now, Mr. Griffin, have you ever actually seen your daughter consume any illegal drugs of any sort?” She asked.

“No, I have not.”

“Last question, Mr. Griffin. Have you ever mentally or physically been abusive to your daughter?”

“No.” He said firmly. “I would never.”

“You’re sure about that?” Echo asked to confirm.

“Extremely.”

Echo eyed him and he started to shift under her gaze.

“That’s all for now, your honor.” Echo went to sit back next to Clarke.

Her dads lawyer questioned him next, of course making him and her mother both look like outstanding citizens. Made Clarke look like the most delinquent, disobeying, horrible daughter they could.

When it was Clarke’s turn, she couldn’t help but turn to look at Bellamy. He gave her a small nod of encouragement and she took a steadying breath, going to take the stand.

Her parents lawyer stood to question her first. She tried to keep her heart rate even.

“Ms. Griffin-“

“It’s just Clarke.” She cut him off. She didn’t want to be called by her parents last name.

“Clarke then.” He corrected. “Clarke, have you ever had to pay bills? Live on your own? Buy your own food?”

“Not until recently.” She answered.

“Now I’m sure you can see how hard it is? The stress it must put your parents through, trying to keep a roof over your head. To make sure you have everything you need and ensure that you’re safe.”

“I’m not supposed to lie, right?” She asked rhetorically. “I don’t really see that stress, no. They both have good jobs. I’ve seen people stress and struggle- have to worry about money. That’s not them.”

The lawyer blinked. It was clear he wasn’t expecting that answer.

“Clarke, is it true that you’ve snuck out at night?”

“I have in the past.” She said.

“And is it true that you drink? That you have gotten yourself into trouble?”

“I’ve drank before.” She paused, thinking about the party, the things she’d yelled and said to Bellamy. She blinked, trying to push the memories down. “But I’ve never really gotten in trouble, no.”

“And you’ve done drugs before, is that right?”

She tightened her jaw, picking the skin of her thumb. “I... I have before. But I’m not now. I’m not drinking either.”

“Well I have a witness that saw you at a party, _after_ you were out of your parents care and according to them you were not only drunk, but also high. Said that you became _violent_.” He said dramatically.

“You mean the night my father called and threatened me?” She asked.

“Liar!” Her father yelled.

She jumped at his voice, not expecting it and Indra smacked her gavel.

“Enough.” She shouted. “You’ll let her speak Mr. Griffin, or you’ll be removed.”

He skunk back down in his chair and his lawyer continued. “How exactly did he threaten you?”

She swallowed, thinking back. It was like she couldn’t remember what he said. Her eyes turned kind of wild and searched the room until they landed back on Bellamy.

_‘You’re okay.’_ He mouthed. _‘Breathe.’_

She watched him take an exaggerated breath and she found herself doing the same. “He said... he said he was coming back. That he didn’t care what I told the police because they wouldn’t believe me.”

The lawyer knew better than to ask what she would tell the police. That would out him as an abuser.

“But you did take drugs that night?” He asked.

“Yes.” She admitted begrudgingly.

“And you did get violent? You pushed people? Hit them?”

She bit her lip, replaying Bellamy having to hold her hands to keep from hitting him. “I... I didn’t hit anyone.” That wasn’t entirely true, she’d swung at Bellamy, hit his chest. “I pushed someone though.”

“Now, you weren’t with your parents at the time and something like this had never happened when you lived with them as that correct?”

She scoffed at the way he phrased the question. “I had done drugs when I lived with my parents. Just because people never saw it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” She was getting irritated.

“I’m going to need yes or no answers, Clarke.”

“Then I’m going to need you to not phrase your questions in a way that makes it seem like none of this is their fault.” She snapped back. “Or that moving out of their hell hole has made me worse, because it hasn’t.”

Bellamy felt pride swell through his chest at that.

The lawyer took a deep breath. “That’s all for now, your honor.” It was clear he needed to regroup.

Echo stood to question her, but Indra spoke first.

“Clarke, I assume you understand what it means to be emancipated?”

“I do, your honor.”

“Your parents will not be obligated to give you anything. You’ll have to find your own housing, pay for your own necessities, get a job, pay taxes. Everything that adults are required to do. In the eyes of the law and the country, you will be an adult.”

“I understand.”

“Your honor,” Echo started. “Clarke has much to share about why she would be better off without her parents and how well she’s already doing without them. That one isolated event doesn’t show her as a whole, doesn’t show how far she’s come since then... Today we are going to tell the court some things may be difficult to hear and show things difficult to see, but it is all vital information so that you can make an informed decision about the safety and well-being of Clarke.”

Indra nodded, a signal for Echo to continue.

“Clarke, you already understand what it means to be emancipated. You know the responsibility it comes with.” Echo said. “Do you already have a place to stay? A place that’s not your parents?”

“Yes, I do.”

“And are you paying to stay there? Either by paying rent or helping with bills?”

She looked at Bellamy and he subtly nodded again.

“I am, yes.” Another lie.

“And you have a job? Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And you can provide paystubs supporting that statement?”

“I can.”

“You’ve had a hard time in school, since that party, is that right?”

“It is.”

“But I understand that you’ve registered to take your GED, and you’ve also supplied the court with your grades up to this semester. Good grades for that matter.” Echo gestured.

“That’s correct.”

“And all of this was done, after you left your parents house?”

“Yes.”

Echo walked a little closer. “Clarke, has your father or mother ever physically or mentally abused you?”

She swallowed and nodded. “Yes.”

“Which one?”

“Both.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Her father shouted and it made her flinch.

“Order!” Indra pounded her gauntlet. “Take a seat, Mr. Griffin. That’s your last warning.”

“Clarke,” Echo kept going, filtering out Jake. “Could you tell the judge what your father did to you the night before he left town? The night before he left the family that claims to love so much.”

She took a shaky breath and absent mindedly picked at the scab on her wrist from where she’d cut.

Murphy reached over and clasped Bellamys shoulder trying to support him the only way he could right now. It took everything in him to stay quiet and sat down. His knee was shaking, his jaw was clenched tightly. He didn’t feel like he could breathe.

She closed her eyes tight, trying to stop her heart from pounding.

“Um... my father... He uh, that night, he had been drinking and when I came home, he did what he normally did. Or at least, it started out that way. He hit me, tossed me to the ground, called me, um... he called me- a lot of things. But he...” she trailed off. She didn’t want to finish and she could feel tears start to rise.

She hadn’t told anyone this except for Bellamy. And right now she just wanted him to hold her. She didn’t want to be talking about this. She found his eyes again, focusing on him for a second, calming herself down.

“It’s okay, Clarke.” Echo said softly. “Take your time.”

She swallowed and sniffed. She wasn’t going to give her father the reaction he wanted. She would not cry.

“He ended up pinning me down on the floor with his body. He wouldn’t let me up... I cried for my mom to help me, but she just stood there.” She stopped to take a deep breath. “He tried to pull down my pants and he said- he said that I was a useless cunt, but that he was going to make me good for something.” She pressed out the last words.

She heard Octavia and Raven gasp and she swore she could hear Murphy curse under his breath.

“Your honor,” Echo started again. “I know that anyone can come up on this stand and say anything they want, even under oath, hoping people will believe them... but this isn’t a story you make up.” She paused letting that sink in. “If it’s okay, your honor, we do have evidence of just a small amount of abuse that Clarke has endured. While it may be hard to watch, it should make your final decision much easier.”

Indra nodded and Echo turned to the screen in the courtroom, pulling up the video.

Bellamy watched Clarke’s dad shift in his seat and his lawyer seemed less than thrilled. This was something he’d clearly not known about.

He and Murphy both ended up sitting with their heads down, not wanting to rewatch the video again.

He heard the video playing and tried not to replay it in his head. He heard gasps from the girls, cursing as they watched it and by the end, Octavia, Raven and Niylah were all crying, even Luna had to wipe a tear away.

When the screen went black, the room was silent for a few beats before Echo spoke again.

“Now, your Honor, I’m not sure what Mr. Griffin meant to say, but that certainly looks like both physical and mental abuse to me. And it looks like a place that she should not go back to.” She said firmly. “Clarke is doing remarkably well after the incident at that party. She’s sober. She’s clean. She has a job. And she’s not being hurt.”

Indra cleared her throat and sat up straighter in her chair. “Clarke, what you have been through... it shouldn’t happen to anyone. I will grant your emancipation. In addition, I’d like to ask you if you’d like to press charges against Mr. Griffin?”

She looked at Bellamy and saw the relief in his eyes, then back to Indra. “I just want this to be over, your Honor. I don’t ever want to see him again.” She said honestly.

“In that case, would you like a restraining order against them?”

“Yes.” She answered without hesitation.

Indra looked to her parents, both of them looking down. “Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, you both will be issued a restraining order to stay at least 2,000 feet away from Clarke at all times. Any break in that restraining order will result in your arrest... in the mean time, the state will be charging you with abuse of a child and you’ll both receive a court date in the mail.”

She turned to Clarke. “Clarke, congratulations. You’re officially an adult.”

Clarke let out a laugh of relief and smiled. “Can I get up now?”

Indra smiled. “You may.”

She ran straight to Bellamy and he caught her over the rail of the divider, pulling her high enough to drag her legs over it. He laughed into her hair and just held her to him. “Told you we had this.” He smiled.

She just laughed and held him tighter.

“Hey,” Octavia interrupted. “Don’t hog all the happiness.” She pushed Bellamy and he let Clarke down.

Clarke’s arms went around her and Raven and Niylah joined the hug.

“You never told us.” Octavia said.

Clarke pulled back and shrugged a little. “I never wanted to have to.”

Murphy put his hand on her shoulder and she turned to embrace him too.

“Thank you for coming.” She whispered. “For Echo... for everything.”

“No problem, kid.” He said pulling back.

Echo walked towards them smiling and Clarke went to hug her. Echo hesitated a moment before returning it.

“Thank you so much.” Clarke said.

“You’re welcome.” She answered smiling. “You deserve this.”

She looked up to see her dad trying to make his way to her and she put herself behind Bellamy, who turned to see him bounding towards her.

“You’ve ruined me!” He yelled at her. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I’ll kill you!”

Bellamy stepped forward, ready to fight, but he was stopped by the officers in the court room.

They hauled Jake, who was still yelling, out by his arms.

Clarke had gripped the back of Bellamys shirt and pressed against him. He turned around and wrapped his arm around her. “Hey, he can’t get to you. It’s alright.”

She nodded, but he felt her trembling.

“Lets get out of here.” He suggested, very much tired of being in court. He wanted to get her away from her father. Wanted her somewhere safe. “You wanna go somewhere?”

“I just kinda want to go home, if that’s okay.” She said so only he could hear.

He rubbed her back and nodded, happy she just wanted to go home, then turned to everyone else. “Hey, I think I’m gonna take the girls home, you guys.” He nodded for Octavia, who took the hint and went to loop her arm around Clarke’s, starting to walk her towards the door.

“Wait by the door.” He told Octavia as she passed him. He didn’t want to risk them running into either of Clarke’s parents without him.

“She’ll be okay.” Murphy said.

Bellamy sighed a little but nodded.

“She is strong.” Luna said. “Troubled, but strong.”

“Let me know if she needs anything.” Raven said. “I can be over in 5.”

Bellamy nodded again and looked around. “Thank you guys, for coming. It really means a lot.”

“You’ve always got us, man.” Murphy clapped his shoulder. “We’ll see you later.”

“I’ll see you guys.” He said.

He met the girls just outside the doors and luckily didn’t encounter anyone they didn’t want to see.

Clarke pressed tightly to his side the second he reached her and stayed the same until they made it home.

She didn’t say anything and he didn’t really want to push her.

“You’re okay, right?” Octavia asked suddenly.

Bellamy had to roll his eyes, because of course she wasn’t okay. Sure, she was free now, but today she’d had to relive something she never wanted to relive again _and_ share it with a bunch of strangers, had to see the man who abused her for years, had to listen to him threaten to kill her.

“I’m okay.” Clarke smiled at her.

And if Bellamy didn’t know her better, he’d have thought it was true. He was surprised Octavia didn’t seem to realize it was a lie.

She put on a good act after that though. So good that even Bellamy had to remind himself that she wasn’t actually okay.

Octavia ended up talking about some fight between her and Niylah and that caught Clarke’s attention for a while.

She put on a comedy and Clarke laughed through it, just like her.

Once it was over, Clarke went upstairs to the bathroom, leaving Bellamy and Octavia alone for a moment. They hadn’t talked to each other alone since their fight the night before.

He thought about following Clarke, because he was pretty sure that she wasn’t actually ‘okay’, but this conversation with Octavia needed to be had and he was sure Clarke had done it on purpose.

“You still mad at me?” He asked her.

She shrugged indifferently. “What’s it matter? My opinion doesn’t matter, so.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He sighed.

“You think you’re doing what’s best, but what if you’re not?” She asked. “Clarke’s doing good right now, but what happens when she has a bad day? What happens if she gets high and she gets that gun? What happens if you lose your temper because some kid fucks with her and you end up shooting them like you threatened to do to her dad? Like you did that night with mom.”

“You really think that I’d do that?” He asked, purposely ignoring the comments about Clarke.

“That you’d what? Shoot someone for her? _Yeah_, I do.”

He shook his head and leaned forward. “I would kill for her, just like I would for you.” He defended.

“You don’t need to kill for _either of us_, Bell!”

“But I _do_, O. Clarke’s dad wants to hurt her. He threatened to kill her. You understand that, don’t you?”

Octavia blinked and nodded once.

“What if he breaks in here? What if he tries to take her? Kill her? And what if I can’t fight him off?”

“You _can_.” She argued.

“And what if he has a gun, O? What then?”

She swallowed and sat back. “Why did you even buy it?”

He sighed in relief, because it seemed she was finally going to let it go. “It doesn’t matter.”

She shook her head, a little annoyed, but didn’t press him.

“I’m gonna head upstairs.” She stood up, but turned around and looked at him. “I love you. Even if I don’t agree with you.”

He blinked, taken by surprise. “I love you too, O.”

She bit the inside of her cheek and turned back around.

They’d be okay.

He went upstairs to find Clarke in the bathtub.

“I wondered where you ran off to.” He leaned against the doorframe, smiling at her softly.

She opened her eyes and smiled back. “Figured you two needed to talk some things through.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything- just let his eyes wonder over her chest that was peaking out from the water.

“So, did you?” She asked curiously when he didn’t answer.

He blinked. “Uh, yeah. We did.”

She saw the look in his eyes and slowly stood up out of the tub. He instantly moved in front of her and sat her down on the edge of it, before kneeling down between her legs.

Her breath hitched and she fought to keep her eyes open as he kissed the inside of her thigh, slowly moving closer to her center.

He reached his arm around the back of her, resting it above her ass to steady her and finally closed his mouth around her clit.

“Oh god, Bellamy.” Her hands found his hair, like they always seemed to do, and she pulled steadily on it, pushing his mouth harder against her.

She let out a breathy gasp as his tongue swirled around her clit.

“Bell, I...” fuck, she was already close.

He pushed two fingers inside her, curling them up and she cried out. “Fuck, yes, Bell... right there.”

He kept that rhythm and 10 seconds later, she came hard.

When she came down from her high, he licked up her slit once more before standing and tossing his shirt off.

“Stand up.” He ordered, sending a thrill through her.

She moved to stand in front of him and his hands found her ass, squeezing hard.

“God, do you have any fuckin’ idea how hard you make me?” He growled into her ear.

“Why don’t you show me?” She said looking at his bare chest.

He pushed her against the wall, and pushed his hips into hers so she could feel him.

“How about I do more than show you?” He kissed her hard and unbuttoned his pants, letting himself free, then reached under her ass to pick her up off the ground.

She gasped into his mouth in surprise as her feet left the air, and wrapped her arm around his neck to hold on. She pulled away from his mouth and let her head fall against the wall, feeling his cock at her entrance.

He slowly slid her down onto it until he was fully inside her.

He growled and moved his mouth to the spot below her ear.

“Fuck.” She moaned and tried to grind herself against him, but he pressed her harder to the wall.

“Easy.” He warned. “You’re not in charge here, princess.”

Her walls clenched around him at his words and her eyes fluttered shut. She already wanted to come again.

“Bell...” She whispered, breathlessly.

He lifted her slowly, before pushing her back down hard. She covered her mouth with one hand to keep from screaming and held onto him tight with the other.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He asked lowly. “What do you need?”

“I need- fuck...” She trailed off with a moan when he repeated the motion.

He ground against her, brushing against her still overly sensitive clit, because he knew what she needed.

He eventually set into a steady pace and thrusted into her hard, making sure to grind against her clit each time.

“Bell, I’m gonna come.” She huffed. “Fuck.” She pressed her forehead to his and her fingers dug into his shoulders.

Her body tensed and she came around him, her body trembling. He kept moving her as she came, finally coming inside her.

“Clarke...” he grunted her name as he came. He used his body to hold hers against the wall so he could wrap a hand into her wet hair and pull.

It took all his strength to keep holding her up, but he managed. Slowly, he loosened his grip on her hair and let his fingers run through it.

After he caught his breath, he lowered her back to the floor and she leaned forward to give him a soft kiss.

“So much for being clean.” She teased him, lightly.

He let out a chuckle and smirked. “You could always jump in the shower with me.”

“Looks like I need to.” She laughed and went to turn on the shower, Bellamy following.

She felt her mood slowly shifting. He kept his body close to hers, but didn’t speak as they cleaned.

Once they laid down, Bellamy pulled her to him, wrapping his arm around her waist and she gripped it tightly.

“It was a hard day.” He told her gently. “It’s just us. You don’t have to pretend to be okay anymore.”

“I should be, right?” Her voice shook a little. “I _should_ be okay.”

She felt him shrug behind her.

“A lot happened today... a lot has happened in the past that you had to relive today.” He defended for her. “Then you put on a brave face for O... It’s okay if you’re not.”

He heard her sniff and she tightened her grip on his arm. “I’m not.” She admitted, tears starting to fall.

He kissed the back of her head. “I know.”

“Bellamy, I need to-“ she let out a sob and even though it didn’t feel possible, he pulled her closer.

She wanted to cut. She wanted to be able to numb the pain she felt. With drugs, with alcohol, with cutting, she didn’t care.

“I don’t wanna feel like this. Please, Bell, I need to.” She cried.

“You don’t, baby, just breathe.” He soothed lowly. “I’m right here. I’ve got you. Breathe.”

She felt like he was the only thing grounding her. The only thing that kept her from slipping back into the dark, the only thing keeping her from hearing her fathers voice in her head.

“It’s over, princess.” He kept talking. “You don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t let him hurt you.”

“I can still see him.” She pressed out through her tears.

“It’s just you and me, Clarke. That’s it, okay?” He turned her gently, so she was facing him and she curled into his chest immediately. “It’s just us. Focus on me, alright. I’m right here.”

“Don’t stop talking, please.” She almost begged.

“I’m not, princess. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” He ran his hands up and down her back and just talked to her until her sobs slowed to only sniffs.

He felt like he could breathe a little now. Even with her in his arms, he was scared of what she wanted to do to herself. He repeated the words he’d said so confidently to Octavia, to himself.

She isn’t going to kill herself.

She _did_ want to hurt herself though. And he hated that.

Once she quieted completely, he moved his head back a little to kiss her forehead.

“A little better?” He asked in a whisper.

She nodded and leaned back just enough to see his face. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He said firmly.

“I know it scares you... when I’m like that.” She admitted. “I don’t mean to.”

He nodded a little. “It does. It scares me because I don’t wanna lose you. Because I love you.”

“I love you, Bell.” She let out a little huff. “It’s probably the only reason I’m still here.”

He shook his head, a sad look in his face. “Do you wanna know why I bought the gun?” He asked, his voice a little rough.

She furrowed her eyebrows at that. It sounded like he’d had it for a while, so it wasn’t because of her father. She knew he’d had a bit of a temper when he was a little younger and that he’d been in the illegal fighting rings, but never heard about anything about him and a gun until last night.

She just shook her head, a little confused at the question.

He moved his hand to the base of her neck, needing to feel his hand on her. “Before we came here, I wasn’t happy.” He told her. “Never really had been. Fighting and football... they were the only things I was good at. Then I got kicked off the football team and my mom... well like you know, she has a way of making you feel pretty small.”

“I felt like I was never gonna get out of there. Like my whole life was just gonna be bailing my mom out of jail, picking her up off the floor, and being talked to like I really didn’t matter... like I was a mistake.” His voice cracked a little.

She nodded, pushing down fresh tears. He hadn’t gone into much detail about his past before and now she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.

“I was... so angry, all the time.... one night, I was fighting and...” he stopped to swallow. “I hit the other guy, hard. And um...” he cleared his voice, trying to keep it from cracking. “And he didn’t get back up... Clarke, I _killed him_.”

He wasn’t sure what her reaction was going to be and that scared him a little. Because what if she couldn’t bare to look at him? What if she was disgusted by him? She wasn’t though. Her face was sad and scrunched up, and she put her hand on his cheek. She stayed quiet, knowing he wasn’t done with the story.

“We found out after he... he had some kind of brain aneurism and when I hit him...” He trailed off and shook his head. “That’s why I quit. I convinced my coach to let me out of the game. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was terrified every time I thought about it. I killed that kid and he didn’t deserve it... so I bought the gun and I was gonna kill myself.” His words were heavy and thick, and she closed her eyes, swallowing down her nausea.

Even though she knew he hadn’t done it, it didn’t stop her heart from beating against her chest at his words.

If this is what he felt like when she talked about killing herself, she’d never talk about it again.

“That night, when my mom came home, she yelled at me for a while and stormed to her room. I went to mine... put the gun to my head.” He stopped to clear his voice and sniffed once. “My phone rang and... it stopped me.” He laughed a little and shook his head. “I almost didn’t answer it. But it was Murphy, telling me that he had a job for me here in town if I wanted it.”

She silently wiped the tears that had fallen and bit the inside of her cheek.

“And I thought, this is Octavia’s chance for something better. So, I put away the gun and went fight for custody of her. My mom just gave it away though. Not much fighting there. Before we left, some douchebag drug dealer my mom was dating tried to rape her. I walked in and I heard her screaming. I pulled him off of her and fought with him... I ended up shooting him... killing him. That’s how Octavia knows I have it- why she wants me to get rid of it.”

“Bell... I’m so sorry.”

He sniffed again and shook his head. “Anyway... I guess I’m just trying to say that... it’s hard. And it sucks, but...” He moved his thumb over her tears. “But now I look at where I am. I’ve got two good jobs, I have a house, Octavia is doing better than she ever was before and she’s going to college. I have so many people that care about me... and I have _you_.” He ended, softly. “I wouldn’t have any of that if I’d pulled that trigger... I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to love you.”

“To save me.” She whispered shakily.

He looked at her sadly, because he was scared to think about where she’d be if she wasn’t with him.

“Bellamy, I love you so much.” She said desperately and leaned up to kiss him. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

He pulled in her in close and then broke the kiss, leaning his head on hers. “Hey, I’m okay, princess.” He told her gently. “I’m okay.”

She held the side of his face and nodded, trying to stop herself from shaking and trying to stop her tears.

She knew he was right. She had her whole life to look forward to now. She wasn’t going to be called useless, or beaten, or have to be afraid to come home.

He wiped the rest of her tears away and kissed her again. She turned back around and melted into him. He wasn’t sure how she’d react knowing he’d killed a man- _two_ men, but she’d never judge him- never hold something like that against him.

“Is that what it felt like when I told you I should’ve taken those pills?” She whispered after a few quiet moments.

Even thinking about it now made his heart speed up. “Like what?” He asked.

“Like... like you can’t breathe. Like your heart isn’t beating, but it’s beating too fast at the same time. Like... like if they died... you’d die too?”

A single tear of his own fell and he made no move to wipe it. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right.” He rasped.

“God, Bellamy, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey,” he said, his voice gently but gravely. “Stop apologizing, princess. You didn’t choose this.”

She was quiet for a few moments. She hadn’t chosen her father, but maybe she’d chosen how she reacted to him. She wasn’t sure why she couldn’t stop sometimes- Stop hurting herself or stop drinking. Maybe she’d just never wanted to. But now? Well, now it’s different. Now it wasn’t a matter of _want_ to, because she did, it was a matter of _could_ she. And with him, she felt like she could.

If Bellamy had been through what he had and could still be this strong, maybe she could too.

She squeezed his hand, leaving it pulled tightly against her chest and let out a sigh to relax her body.

“Do you feel bad? About killing the guy that was trying to rape your mom?” She asked quietly.

Honestly, he was a little relieved that she’d asked. He’d never talked to anyone about it before, and he’d never even muttered what happened in the fighting ring. Kane and the other coaches had cleared out the body and it was never spoke of again.

“No.” He admitted. “He was a shit person. He was gonna rape her and then who knows what he would’ve done after that... I’ve never lost a night of sleep over that man.”

“Good. You shouldn’t.” She whispered.

He swallowed thickly then and found himself holding onto her tighter. “The kid from the fight though... that’s the one thing I hate myself for.”

“It was a mistake, Bell.” She told him softly. “You didn’t mean to kill him.”

How she’d known what he was thinking about, he didn’t know. But it didn’t really matter.

“It was a mistake I shouldn’t have made.” He whispered. “I was pissed off at the rest of my life and I... I hit him too hard. I cost him his life because I was angry.” He shook his head. “I knew he was too small to fight me in the first place, but I let it slide. I took the fight anyway because I thought I needed it.”

She moved closer to him, resting her head against his. “You can’t take it back, Bell. But you learned from it. You got out of the fights. You couldn’t have known he had a brain aneurism. You’re a good person. That’s why you feel bad, and that’s okay.” She said. “You can feel bad, because what happened is shitty and it’s _scary_, but it’s a risk that every fighter takes, every time they step in for a fight. He knew it and you knew it too. This is not just on you. And you are _not_ a bad person because of it.”

“How can you say that like you believe it?” He asked, voice shaking.

“Because I do.” She said confidently. “You are the best person I’ve ever known, Bellamy. You do everything with all that you have, you put your entire heart into it. You would do anything for the people you love... and that’s only a small part of why I love you.”

A tear slipped from his eye and she kissed him softly. When she pulled back, he buried his face into her neck. As hard as it was, it felt good to talk about and it felt good that she knew now. And that she didn’t hate him for it.

He let his tears fall quietly and just held onto her, pulled tightly to her chest.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

She wasn’t even really sure what she was thanking him for, but maybe it was for everything. For just being him. For loving her. And like she’d said, for saving her.

He lifted his head and looked at her in question. She reached her hand up and wiped what was left of his tears away.

“For everything.” She said. “For being you... for trusting me.”

“You’re welcome, princess.” He said quietly, in the deep voice she’d never get enough of.

She pulled him back in to her chest and he fell into it easily, both of them eventually finding sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. A lot happening there, guys. Super long and emotional chapter and the story is far from over. I wanted to add a bit of Bellamy background before we keep moving forward and I hope you guys play into well. I have a plan, I promise. Some of this chapter was hard to write, but I love the way I’m turned out. Maybe they’ll get a break before some more drama comes their way 😉 thank you guys again for being so amazing!!


	21. ~ Perfect ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m the worst. Sorry for the delay guys, but I’m going to update 3 more times before Christmas Eve! I’m putting this happy little chapter in before going dark again. Enjoy the little break!

The next morning, even though she didn’t have to, she got up when Bellamy did. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with him.

“How about we go pick out a tree this weekend?” Bellamy suggested, pouring his coffee.

“Ooh, yes.” Octavia smiled. “It’s perfect tree weather.”

A thick blanket of snow had covered the ground, but thankfully it had stopped storming.

Clarke smiled. “You know I’ve never actually had a real Christmas tree before.”

“Seriously?” Octavia asked.

“Seriously. My mom had a fake one she put out every year when I was younger. Then she stopped putting one up all together. They never even talked about going to get a real tree.”

“So, what you’re saying is,” Bellamy started, coming up and wrapping his arms around her. “We need to make _you_ cut it down.”

She giggled. “That’s absolutely _not _what I was saying. I’ve never even held a saw.”

“I’ll teach you.” He grinned.

“Don’t I have to get on the ground for that?” She asked.

“Aw, what’s wrong, princess?” He teased. “Afraid of a little snow?”

She grinned and pushed him off of her. “I’m just saying, it’s really cold and wet.”

“So you really are a princess.” He smirked.

“Well, you gave me the title.” She smirked back.

He moved to kiss her and she leaned forward to meet him. “I’ll be back in time for us to get to work tonight. I love you.” He told her.

“I love you too.”

Octavia waited by the door, smiling as she watched them. She was just happy that they were finally happy- both of them. She couldn’t remember the last time she saw either one of them act this way, so for that, she was glad.

The next morning, they set off to get their tree.

Clarke hadn’t realized how much went in to picking the “perfect” tree. Or maybe Octavia was just a little particular in the matter.

“What about this one, O?” Bellamy called out to Octavia, who was a good 10 trees over.

She sprinted over and walked around it a couple times. “Hmmm. I don’t know...”

Bellamy rolled his eyes and looked at Clarke. “Every year.” He mumbled with a small grin.

Clarke had her arm looped around his and was pressed tight to his side. “I didn’t know there was such an art to picking a tree.” She smiled.

He chuckled and shook his head. “We’ll be lucky to be out of here by lunch.” He teased.

Clarke laughed and looked around, one catching her eye. “Hey, that one’s cute.” She nudged Bellamy.

He looked over and grinned. It was a good foot taller than him and the very top curled over itself, giving it an almost whimsical look and the bottom was extremely full and wide.

Octavia gasped when she saw it. “Oh my god.” She ran over and circled it. “This is it, guys.”

“Ready to cut down your first tree, princess?” He smirked at Clarke.

“Oh, no. I think I’ll let you do the honors. You know, you being the man and all.” She teased.

“You’re so thoughtful.” He said sarcastically. “But I think I may need a little help.”

“You’re really gonna make me get on the ground, aren’t you?” She asked.

“I really am.” He smirked.

“Ugh.” She complained, but couldn’t stop the smile that came to her face.

She plopped herself down and Bellamy did the same. She listened as he explained the easiest way to cut it down. It was harder than it looked- required a lot more muscle than she would’ve thought.

“Bell, I can’t do this anymore.” She said dramatically when it wasn’t even halfway cut through. She turned over on her back and threw her arms out to the side.

He chuckled at her and scooted forward to grab the saw. “Lazy princess.”

“I would argue with you, but here I am, lying in the snow, on my back.” She said.

He shook his head and laughed, moving to finish cutting the tree down.

Octavia helped Clarke up and Bellamy got the tree down quickly. He put it in the truck bed and they drove to the front of the tree farm for the workers to wrap it up.

When they got home, Octavia and Clarke grabbed the tree stand and Bellamy carried it in. He made them all hot chocolate and they started to decorate it.

Clarke felt lighter than she had in a long time. Happy to be able to just enjoy this time with them- enjoy the holidays without fear of the next thing she’d do wrong- without fear that she would have to leave them, because now she was free.

Bellamy must’ve felt her happiness, because he looked down at her and smiled.

“I love you.” She whispered.

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you too.”

“Can you guys stop being gross and help me decorate?” Octavia said without any real heat.

Clarke laughed and moved to grab the next strand of lights.

“Getting a dose of your own medicine.” Clarke teased her. “You and Niylah are nauseating sometimes.”

“Touché.” Octavia grinned.

“Well,” Bellamy said when they finished. “I don’t think we’re getting a star on top.”

He tilted his head, looking at the long top branch, curled over. They’d have to cut it to get a star on there and that wasn’t something they wanted.

“I think it’s perfect.” Clarke said leaning into his side.

“It’s definitely perfect.” Octavia smiled looking at it. “Now we just need some presents under it.”

They went to dinner with Murphy and they swung by to pick up Niylah and Raven as well.

It was the best day Clarke had had since she could remember.

It was almost weird in a way. The things they were doing were all normal, but to her, they were so different- so new.

That night, Bellamy pulled her close like he always did. “You feel okay, princess?”

It was something he was starting to ask her every night and it made her smile. Something so simple, but sweet.

“I had a really good day.” She whispered happily.

She felt him huff a small laugh behind her and kiss her head. “I’m glad.”

She turned to look at him, still nestled close, but far enough away to see his face. “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Just you.” He answered softly, pushing her hair out of her face.

She grinned and rolled her eyes. “Cliché answer, Bell.”

“True answer.” He defended smiling. “I don’t need anything else.”

“Fine.” She smiled softly at him. “But I’m still getting you something.”

The wheels in her head were already turning.

He’d done so much for her- always worried about her and Octavia, never himself. She had an idea. She’d just need a little help to execute it.

“Hey, Bell?” She said after a few minutes.

His eyes had started to close, but opened them at her voice. “Hmm?”

“Do you think you could maybe drop me off at the animal shelter a few days a week? Since you pass it on the way to work.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, a sleepy look on his face. “What for, princess?”

She smiled, because she loved the way he got when he was really tired. “I thought I could volunteer some. I hate being cooped up all day and I think it’d be nice to be around some non-judgmental creatures.”

That made him smile a little. “Yeah, sure. We can do that.”

She reached forward and ran her hand across his beard. He closed his eyes again and leaned into it.

“Night, Bell.” She whispered.

“Night, princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short, sweet chapter with the promise of a longer one and more updates very soon!


	22. ~ Losing You ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two days in a row?! My Christmas week is a little nuts, so I’m updating now, Thursday, and probably Sunday, then not again until the day after Christmas. Anyway, this is a long chapter and it does contain triggers! So trigger warning here!

Monday morning came and he dropped her off at the animal shelter. He was happy she had something she wanted to do- something that made her happy.

When he picked her up that afternoon, she was all smiles.

“Hey, princess.” He grinned at her, already seeing her happiness.

She leaned forward and kissed him. “Would you hate me if I told you I wanted a dog?”

He laughed and shook his head. “It’s your first day volunteering. Let’s wait at least a little before we start taking in strays.”

“Fine.” She pouted a little, but couldn’t quite hold back her smile.

“Let’s just see, okay?” He suggested.

She nodded and slid closer to him.

When they got to work that night, Bellamys mood immediately changed. Just as they walked in and started working, the hostess sat someone Bellamy hated with a passion, in Clarke’s section. Roan.

The guy had been in several times before- major dick. Murphy had almost had to kick him out the last two times he was here.

He watched as Clarke walked up to the table, his jaw clenched tight.

Murphy walked up to the bar, blocking his view.

“Can you get the hell out of the way?” Bellamy immediately side stepped, trying to see them.

“Whoa.” Murphy said dryly. “What’s your deal?” He followed Bellamys eyes. “Shit.”

“Yeah.” Bellamy said, not looking away. “Why the fuck didn’t Fox sit them with one of the guys?”

“He may be fine tonight, man. Just relax.” Murphy said calmly.

“Yeah, sure. Until he has a drink or two.” He mumbled.

Clarke already looked uncomfortable. He could tell by her body language. Roan was leaning closer and Clarke was trying to step back politely, leaning slightly away from him.

“What can I get for you guys?” Clarke asked them.

“Well I’ll take whatever you have on tap tonight.” Roan answered. “And maybe tap you while I’m at it.” He said moving closer.

“Mm.” Clarke made a face. “Real original and not disgusting at all. But you’re gonna have to stick to beer tonight.”

“What? You don’t like me?” Roan complained.

“I don’t like most people.” She said, clearly annoyed. “Anything else?”

“Oh, I’ll let you know, darlin’.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, not caring that she was probably killing her chance at a good tip.

She walked up to Bellamy and sighed. “Two beers on tap, please.”

“They giving you trouble?” Murphy asked.

“Of course they are.” Bellamy snapped, slamming one of the glasses down. “Get someone else to take their table.” He demanded Murphy.

“He’s just a typical asshole. It’s alright.” Clarke said.

“Just take them their beers and I’ll get one of the guys to take their table, alright?” Murphy told her.

She nodded and grabbed the beers, walking away.

She leaned forward to place down the beers and like it was in slow motion, Bellamy saw Roans hand move from his side, straight to Clarke’s upper thigh.

Bellamy was already jumping over the bar when Roans hand reached between her legs.

“Hey!” She yelled and jerked back, at the same time Bellamy knocked him out of his chair.

Roan, taken by surprise, didn’t react fast enough. Bellamy was on top of him. He pulled him up a little by his collar, then slammed him back down so his head hit the floor, then punched him hard.

Clarke scattered back quickly, and Roans friend tried to grab Bellamy from behind, but Murphy pushed him back.

“Bellamy!” Murphy yelled. “Let him up.”

Bellamy stopped punching him, but grabbed his collar again. “Don’t fuckin’ touch her ever again.”

Roan smirked through his blood. “So I guess she’s taken then.”

“Get the fuck out, before I fucking kill you.” Bellamy growled, standing up.

“Neither of you ever come back here again.” Murphy warned.

“Oh, if I come back, I’ll take what I want and leave.” Roan said after he stood up.

Bellamy lurched for him again, but Murphy stopped him.

“Out!” Murphy demanded them again.

Roan grinned at them one more time and turned around to leave.

Bellamys attention was still focused on Roan, but Murphy turned to Clarke.

“Shit, Bellamy.” Murphy cursed, but was already moving.

Bellamy turned around immediately. She was gone.

“Fuck!” He ran, following Murphy back to the break room, hoping like hell that was where she’d be.

Murphy skidded to a stop in front of him, causing him to run into his back.

“Wait! Please- don’t.”

Bellamy heard her panicked voice talking to Murphy and pushed him out of the way, barreling into the room.

She was in the corner, crouched on the ground, with her knees to her chest, and a small knife on the floor in front of her. He tried not to think about the blood splattered across it.

He had to remind himself to breathe, taking in the scene. He swore his heart stopped beating for a minute and then it threatened to break free from his chest.

_Nothing happened_, she tried to tell herself. But her heart was beating too fast, and her breaths were coming too fast. She couldn’t breathe. She closed her eyes tight, trying to fight back visions.

Bellamy ran the rest of the way to her, sliding to his knees in front of her. It took everything in him not to grab both of her wrists as soon as he reached her.

Murphy stepped back, giving them space.

She grasped onto Bellamy’s arms as soon as he was close enough. “I- I need...”

What _did_ she need? She wasn’t sure. She was trying so hard to just keep her dads face out of her head- try not to replay things over in her mind.

His eyes went to her wrist.

Blood was dripping from it and he just _knew_ it was deep. He looked down at the knife, prying one of his arms lose from her grip and slid the knife across the floor, far behind him.

Jesus, this felt so much worse than the first time he’d seen her cut.

She was hyperventilating. A panic attack.

He wasn’t far behind her.

“Hey,” he started, placing a shaky hand on the side of her face. “Focus on me, princess. _Look at me_.” He spoke with authority, like he sometimes needed to when she was like this. His sounded a lot sturdier than he felt.

His body was shaking, but somehow he kept his voice was solid. He _had_ to be solid right now. For her. If they both fell apart, they may never get put back together.

She met his eyes and he saw the fear.

“It’s just you and me.” He said softer. “You’ve gotta breathe, baby.”

He took a slow, deep breath, hoping she’d follow suit.

When that didn’t work, he maneuvered so he was behind her, his legs on either side of her. He pulled her back against his chest and took another deep breath.

“It’s just us, princess.” His voice was low- calming. Just like she needed it to be. “I’ve got you.” He wrapped his arms around her and she ended up squeezing them, gripping them like if she let go, she’d float away.

He just talked to her, while she tried to slow her breathing. “Just breathe. I’ve got you.”

She focused on him. The feel of his body, the way his chest was steadily rising and falling behind her. She tried to focus on what he was saying. It was just hard with her mind still spinning, but she eventually convinced herself that she was okay. _He had her_. It was just the two of them and she was safe. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt her and she knew it.

After a couple minutes she calmed down and he kissed her head. She couldn’t tell you exactly what he said while he was talking- just that if he hadn’t been... she might’ve not stopped this time.

Everything in him felt like it was on fire. He burned to look at her wrist, to stop the bleeding. He also wanted to shake her. Ask her what the hell she was thinking- but he already knew...

“Better?” He asked as calmly as he could, letting one his hands run through her hair.

“What is it about me that makes other people wanna hurt me?” She asked sadly.

He swallowed and shook his head. He had no fucking idea. But he was going to do his best to stop it.

“It’s not you, Clarke. It’s- it’s just a string of shitty people. It has nothing to do with you.” He said firmly.

“There’s a lot of shitty people.” She answered, almost in a whisper.

“I know.” He moved from behind her, finally taking her wrist. His hands were still shaking. He’d succeeded in calming her down, but not so much himself.

He swallowed hard, wishing it didn’t hurt so much to see this. She _had_ cut deep again.

A tear rolled down his cheek without him even realizing it.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered to him.

He couldn’t form an answer- the lump in his throat was too big. His emotions too strong.

Blood was still coming from the cut, now covering his own arms too from where she’d been grasping at them.

He stood up and practically tore everything out of the cabinet in the room, looking for the first aid kit.

When he found it, he grabbed a clean rag and went to kneel back in front of her.

There was a lot he wanted to say, but he didn’t trust himself to talk yet. So instead, he angrily wiped away the tears that had managed to fall and pulled her wrist to him.

Without even a peep from her, he held the rag to it, applying pressure.

After about 5 minutes, the bleeding had stopped. He pulled back the rag and shook his head, having to close his eyes.

It was deep. Technically, it probably needed stitches. There was no way he’d talk her into that though.

“It’s not that bad.” She tried.

“Clarke, stop.” His tone was firm, but his voice wasn’t, the tremble in it clear now. He didn’t have the strength for this right now. “I can’t...”

Can’t _what_, he didn’t know. Can’t hear it? Can’t argue with her? Can’t breathe? Maybe it was all of the above.

She swallowed and her eyes went to the floor.

He felt sick, but he tried to push it down.

Taking a breath, he paused to look at her. “I’m not mad, princess.” He tried to take the edge off his voice.

Her scared eyes met his, looking unsure. He knew that’s what she worried about now.

“I’m not mad.” He repeated. “I’m just- a little overwhelmed, okay?” He said as soft as he could.

She swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”

Looking through the first aid kit, he found the antiseptic, pouring it onto another cloth to wipe it clean.

“It didn’t help.” She whispered as he started to wrap it.

He glanced up at her, taken a little by surprise.

“I usually do it to- to come back to reality. To center and realize what’s real and not real- but it- it didn’t this time.” She sounded confused. “I still couldn’t breathe.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. While he was glad that he _had_ been able to help, that didn’t erase the fact that she’d cut. That he was now on the floor, wrapping up the wrist that she’d sliced open, feeling like his heart had been sliced open too.

Instead of responding, he finished wrapping her wrist, then grabbed her hands to help her up.

“Let’s just get home.” He told her.

“No.” She shook her head. “I- I wanna finish our shift.”

“Clarke-“

“Bell, I can’t go running every time I get scared. Every time some little thing happens.”

“That wasn’t little, Clarke. He assaulted you!” He argued, getting worked up.

“In the same way that 95% of the other waitresses have probably been too.”

“That doesn’t make it right. And that doesn’t make it a little thing!”

“Please, Bellamy.” She looked at him softly. “I’m okay. I just needed a minute to calm down.”

“To _calm down_? Clarke-“ he cut off and ran a down his face, frustrated. “You just had a fucking panic attack on the break room floor. You cut yourself. Now you wanna go back to work like nothing happened?”

“Yes.” She said, sounding completely sure.

He shook his head and swallowed hard- a question was nagging at him. “When- when it happened... you saw him?” He asked tightly.

She sighed shakily. Did she see her father, he meant.

She nodded, not taking her eyes off of him. “Yeah.”

He shook his head angrily. “I should’ve fuckin’ killed him.”

She wasn’t sure if he was talking about Roan or her dad, but she guessed it didn’t really matter.

“I should learn to relax. I can’t- freak out all the time.” She chastised herself.

“Don’t do that.” He said a little agitated. “Don’t make it seem like you did something wrong. Or that you can help how you react to something like that.”

“I’m just saying-“

_“No,_ Clarke.” He cut her off. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He held her gaze until she relented and nodded at him. “Okay.” She whispered.

He sighed and tried to keep himself from pacing. “You’re sure you wanna finish the night out?” He asked her.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” She assured him.

He leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. She melted into him right away, letting him calm her down even more than he already had.

What she didn’t know is that he was trying to calm _himself_ down. His anxiety was rising and he was trying to push it down for her sake, but he didn’t know how long he could keep up the act.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” She said into his chest.

She pulled back suddenly, like she’d remembered something. “Is your hand okay?”

He tried to smirk a little and shrugged, holding it out to her. “It’s not bad. His face got the worst of it.”

She grabbed it and looked at it hard. A couple scrapes on it, but he was right- it didn’t look anywhere near as bad as Roans face had.

“You didn’t have to hit him, you know?” She said with a small smile.

“Trust me, I did.” He leaned down and gave her a soft kiss. “You ready?”

She nodded and they walked back out to the bar.

Murphy was behind the bar and Harper had taken Clarke’s tables for her.

Clarke walked over to her and Harper looked at her concerned. “Is everything okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, just some- I just needed a second to get it together.”

“I get it. Roans an asshole, but he’s never grabbed anyone before. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, table 7 needs a refill. Let me know if I can do anything.” Harper said bouncing away.

Bellamy walked around behind the bar and Murphy eyed him for a second before sliding him a beer.

Bellamy shook his head, but Murphy didn’t give him a chance to say anything.

“Got a little...“ Murphy trailed off, motioning to his forearms.

“Fuck.” He’d forgotten the blood on _him_.

He turned to the sink and scrubbed it off him, glad no one had seen before Murphy pointed it out.

When he turned back around, the beer was still sitting there, so he pushed it away.

“Just fucking drink it, man.” Murphy slid it back. “You need to relax.”

“It won’t help.” Bellamy argued. “I don’t need alcohol to calm down.”

“Bellamy, you-“

“How am I supposed to convince her that she doesn’t need it if I drink every time I get stressed out?” He asked seriously.

Murphy made a face in thought. “I- well, fuck, I don’t know. But that’s a pretty god damn good reason to be stressed.”

He sighed. “I’m good.” He pushed the beer back.

He didn’t need the beer anyway. He needed to be at home, wrapped up with Clarke, some hot chocolate and maybe his guitar. That’s where he felt happy- where he felt like the bad things in the world couldn’t touch them.

Right now, there was nothing he wanted more than that.

There was something about her that felt almost addicting. And right now, he needed a hit. And here he was trying to break her of _her_ addiction.

“She shouldn’t be here, man. You guys just go home.” Murphy suggested. “You don’t look so great yourself.”

Bellamy sighed. Clarke seemed dead-set on the fact that she was fine to work out the night, but Murphy was right, he wasn’t feeling like he was. So he was going to take this chance to be selfish, just this once.

“You sure?” He asked.

“Yeah, it’s all good. We’ve got enough help tonight.”

He nodded and walked out from behind the bar, straight to Clarke who was refilling drinks.

“Let’s go home.” He said simply.

“Bell, I told you I’m fi-“

“I’m not.” He cut her off. “Clarke, _I’m not_.” He said slowly.

She blinked. Her mouth opened to say something, but he beat her too it.

“Can we just go? Please.” He said softer.

She nodded and grabbed his hand without a word. They got to the truck and she took the keys from his hand. “I can drive, Bell.” She suggested.

He looked at her a moment before nodding and releasing the keys.

She had to move the seat forward and up so she could see. She hadn’t driven too much in the snow, so she took it pretty slowly.

He didn’t say anything, but he gripped her thigh like it was a lifeline.

His knee bounced up and down and he looked out the window, one hand in his mouth as he bit his fingernails down to practically nothing.

She kept glancing over at him, but really had to keep her eyes on the road. She hadn’t thought about how what happened could’ve effected him too.

“Bell, what’s wrong?” She asked quietly.

“I don’t know. I-“ he cut off and took a breath, closing his eyes. “I don’t regret it.” He said suddenly.

“Regret what?” She asked confused.

“Killing him.” He looked over at her. “The man I shot- I don’t regret it.”

She glanced at him again- unsure of how to react. They’d had this conversation before.

“He was going to rape your mom, Bell. And who knows what else he could’ve done. You did what you had to do.” She defended him.

“I could’ve fought him off. I didn’t have to kill him... I wanted to kill your dad that night, before court. I want to kill him _every time_ I think about what he did to you.”

“I know.” She grabbed the hand that was resting on her thigh with one of hers.

“And Roan tonight... I- god, Clarke, the fucking anxiety I feel when you’re hurt or- fuck, seeing you on the ground like that, bleeding... it scared the shit out of me. I don’t know how to stop myself from being so fucking terrified all the time.”

He was talking all over the place, lots of things he’d been holding in finally starting to surface.

Clarke squeezed his hand. “Bell, you’re taking care of me. And I- I’ve been hard to take care of. It’s not fair to you. I need to learn to take care of myself- take some of the stress off of you.”

“It wouldn’t help.” He shook his head. “I won’t stop- I can’t stop worrying. And now I... now I don’t even know how you can look at me.”

She pulled in the driveway at that time and put the truck in park. She turned to look at him and shook her head, a little confused.

“How could I not look at you, Bellamy?” She asked genuinely.

“I... because I’m not...” he was struggling to meet her eyes.

“Bellamy, please, look at me.”

And how could he not when he heard her voice like that. He looked at her and she put her hand on his face, letting her fingers run through the hair on his cheek.

“I killed someone.” He rasped out, trying to keep his heart from leaving his chest. “You should hate me. Because I’d do it again. And I’d do it over and over again if I had to... I’m not a good person.”

The tears in his eyes almost ripped her apart. Seeing him like this- now she knew what it felt like for him when she was falling apart, or when she was talking about herself like she didn’t matter. But he was always there for her- he was her rock, her safe place. Now it was her turn to be his.

“Bellamy, you are the best person I know.” Her voice was shaking because she was holding back tears, but it was confident. “There is nothing wrong with protecting the people you love. It’s part of what makes you so amazing.”

“If I wasn’t worried about going to jail, about losing you, your dad would already be dead. He’s out of the picture now and he can’t hurt you, but I still want to kill him... what’s that say about me?” He shrugged and a tear fell.

“I don’t care what it says about you.” She shook her head. “Because I love you. That’s all that matters. I don’t care if you think you’re fucked up. Because I am too. And you love me anyway.”

“I’m scared of losing you.” He rasped through a few more tears.

“I’m not going anywhere, love. I’m right here.” She promised.

“It felt like you were.” He admitted roughly. “When I saw you on the ground like that- _bleeding_, I...” he shook his head. “I thought I was losing you.”

“Bellam-”

_“Don’t.”_ He said desperately. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry, okay. Please.”

She bit her lip and nodded.

Her hand went to the back of his head and she scratched her fingers against it. He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers.

“I don’t know what to do when I feel like this.” He whispered.

“Lets go upstairs, alright?” She said softly.

They walked inside and went straight upstairs. Luckily, Octavia must’ve been at Niylah’s, because there was no sign of her anywhere.

He followed her to the bedroom and she turned to look at him.

She slipped out of her pants, maintaining eye contact and his eyes darkened, stepping forward to bring his hands to the bottom of her shirt and pull it over her head.

He moved almost painfully slow, pressing his lips against hers. He needed this. He needed to feel her- every part of her.

His hands moved to unclasp her bra and she reached her hands under his shirt, scraping her nails slowly against his chest. He growled low and moved his hands from her waist to pull his shirt off, breaking their kiss.

Her eyes slid across his chest and she had to catch her breath. God, she loved looking at him almost as much as she loved hearing his voice.

Moving her hands to his pants, she undid them, letting them fall and pushing his boxers with them, then grabbed his hand to lead him to the bed.

She pushed him down so he was leaning against the back of the headboard and then moved to straddle him, immediately guiding him to her entrance. His eyes closed and he swallowed in anticipation.

“Clarke...” he called her name, but didn’t have anything to say after that. He just needed to hear it come from his mouth.

She lowered herself onto him, her mouth opening in a gasp as he filled her.

His hands grabbed her waist and pushed her down harder, getting as deep as he could.

He let his hands move slowly up her sides until they reached her neck, then gripped the hair at the base of it, bringing her mouth to his. She rolled her hips forward, and met his kiss.

They hadn’t moved this slowly before. It was almost too much, but not enough at the same time.

He moved to her neck, nipping at her ear and moving lower. She started to move against him and he lost his breath. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t stop them.

He pulled back, breathless, and looked her.

She saw every emotion in his eyes. He was laid out completely bare in front of her- not trying to hide a thing.

She paused her movements and pressed her head to his. “I love you, Bellamy Blake.” She said lovingly, holding back her tears. “That’s never going to change.”

“Promise?” He asked roughly.

She had to catch her breath again, his vulnerability so raw that it took her breath away. “I promise.”

He moved them, flipping over so she was underneath him, covering her body with his.

He moved her hands above her head and held them there with one of his, kissing her deep again.

His free hand moved feather light over her side and it sent goosebumps across her skin.

She let out a small moan into his mouth, fighting to get her hands free to touch him, but he held her firmly.

He was in charge now.

He moved slower than they ever had before, but he still thrusted into hard, still radiated the dominance that she had started to crave from him.

He moved his mouth to her neck again, and started a steady rhythm. He needed every second of this that he could get.

She let out a gasp as he moved deeper inside of her, hitting just the right spot. She let her legs sit high on his waist and he repeated the exact movement over and over again.

“God, Clarke, I love you.” He rasped into her hair.

She couldn’t form an answer, her body was shaking, on the verge of coming and her emotions had hit her hard.

“I feel you, princess. You’re close.” He growled, sliding his free hand up her side again. “Let me hear you come, baby.”

“I need to touch you, Bell- I need.” She managed.

“You can do better than that, princess.” He said lowly.

“Please, Bellamy. I need to touch you- please.” She almost cried.

He released her hands and they went straight to his hair, pulling his mouth to hers with urgency. His hand came to her throat, so big that it covered her whole neck. He squeezed just enough to let her feel the pressure, then held it there. Her head fell back as she came around him.

She cried out and grasped at him, pulling him as close to her as she could and he let himself follow her.

“Clarke...” he came hard, feeling her walls tightening around him. He couldn’t help it- he let his shaking body rest on hers, hoping he wasn’t crushing her while he got his body back under control.

She ran her fingers through his hair as he came down from his high and kissed the side of his head.

Eventually, he pulled back enough to kiss her. When he pulled back there were tears in his eyes again. She kept running her hand through his hair and kissed his forehead. He sniffed and just let his tears fall, almost silently.

“It’s okay, Bell.” She whispered. “I’m right here. I’m yours.”

He let his head rest on her chest, holding her tightly and she cradled him to her. He didn’t know how she knew what he needed to hear, but he thanked god that she did.

He let himself be completely open with her- show her fears that he’d never shown anyone else before and probably never would. It felt like a release and it made him love her even more.

She didn’t judge him for what he’d done and he didn’t judge her for what she’d done.

It eased some of his anxiety. At least got it down to a manageable level. He wasn’t sure if it’d ever go away, just like she wasn’t sure if the urge to cut ever would. But as long as they could help each other, they’d be okay.

Eventually his tears stopped and he pressed a long kiss to her lips one more time, then slid off of her to get a towel so they could clean off.

Once they had, he crawled into the bed and pulled her to him, not bothering to get dressed.

“I never thought I could love someone like this.” He whispered after a few moments. “That I could love someone so much that I- that I can’t even think straight sometimes...”

She smiled a little, because she felt the same. After watching her parents, she wasn’t sure she ever _could_ fall in love. But she was wrong.

“Me either.” She whispered.

“Thank you, princess.” He kissed the back of her head.

She squeezed his arm, scooting further back into his chest. “You don’t have to thank me, Bell.”

“And _you_ don’t have to apologize all the time.” He told her lightly.

She huffed a laugh. “Point taken.”

She looked at her wrist and sobered up quickly. “I _am_ sorry though.”

He moved his arm from her waist and gently took her wrist, wrapping his large hand around it and pulling it to them so she couldn’t look at it. “Remember, princess, it’s not gonna fix itself overnight.”

She nodded and snuggled back into him, getting more comfortable. “It didn’t help.” She repeated her statement from earlier in the bar.

“That’s not a bad thing, you know.”

That was true, she supposed. Maybe that would ease the urge she got to do it.

If it didn’t help, what was the point? But in her head, maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe it _would_ work next time.

She didn’t want to though. Because if she had Bellamy, she didn’t have to.

Tonight, she had panicked- she ran and she panicked. When her eyes landed on the knife, she didn’t think, she just cut. When it didn’t help, she panicked harder. She had needed Bellamy. He was what centered her, what brought her back to reality, what helped her breathe again.

Shifting her body one more time to get comfortable, she let out a small sigh.

“Do you think...” she trailed off, making sure she wanted to finish the question. “Do you think you could teach me how to fight? How to shoot?”

She felt him tense a little behind her. She understood his hesitance, giving the stunt she pulled tonight. Teaching her to shoot probably want on his list of things he wanted to do.

“I wanna be able to protect myself.” She said. “I get it if you don’t want to yet... after tonight, but... can you just think about it?”

His body relaxed and he let out a breath. “Yeah, princess. I’ll think about it.”

Fighting he’d teach her for sure. Shooting... it made him nervous. He decided he’d worried enough for one night- that he had enough anxiety running around his mind, so he didn’t think too hard on it yet.

“Goodnight, Bell.” She whispered.

“Night, princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it’ll get happy again guys!


	23. ~ River ~

In the morning, Bellamy felt a little better. He untangled from her, rolling out of bed gently so he didn’t wake her. There was still about half an hour for her to sleep.

Really, he didn’t want to wake her up at all. In his opinion, she just needed to rest. That wasn’t what she wanted though, and honestly it probably wouldn’t actually do her mind any good to just sit around all day.

Being around the animals yesterday had put her in good spirits- at least until Roan.

He was just happy she had something she enjoyed.

He stumbled to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.

The stairs creaked and he turned to see Clarke walking down them, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

She had on his sweatshirt and underwear, hair a tangled mess. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight, his heart feeling warmer watching her.

He lifted one of his arms in invitation for her to slip under it, which she did easily. She yawned and rested her head on his bare chest.

“Morning, princess.”

“Morning.” She mumbled sleepily.

He kissed the top of her head and she moved back as the coffee pot beeped, so he could pour it.

Octavia made her way down the stairs, looking much like Clarke.

“You girls are early risers this morning.” He grinned. “What time did you get home?” He asked Octavia.

“I don’t know, maybe like 10:30.” She said, still waking up. “You guys got home early.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t too busy last night.” Bellamy lied.

Octavia just nodded and poured herself some coffee too.

“What do you guys think about learning to shoot?” Bellamy asked, leaning back against the counter.

Clarke’s eyebrows shot up.

Octavia paused with her mug half way to her mouth. “What?” She asked. “Like that gun?”

“You should learn to use it since we’re gonna have it. You should both know how in case something happens. I want you to be able to protect yourselves.”

“Yeah, not interested.” Octavia said going back to her coffee.

He rolled his eyes at her and looked to Clarke.

She gave him a small, thankful smile and nodded.

He smiled back and looked to Octavia. “What about self defense? Fighting?”

“Kick them in the balls, knee their nose. Boom. They’re down.” She said uninterested. “I heard enough about fighting to last a life time when you were doing it. No thanks.”

“Well, I wanna learn.” Clarke said.

“Why? So you can fight off Bellamys shadow?” Octavia teased him.

“Shut up.” He told her without any heat.

Octavia smiled a little and leaned back against the counter.

Clarke laughed at them both and pushed herself off the stool. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

She gave Bellamy a quick kiss and headed up the stairs. He watched her the whole time, a soft look on his face.

“You’re so whipped.” Octavia smirked.

“I’m not even gonna argue with you.” He said with a shrug.

She shook her head with a smile. “You seem good this morning.”

He shrugged again. “I feel pretty good.”

He didn’t want to carry everything from last night into today. Clarke had slipped, then he had slipped. They both picked each other back up though and he didn’t want to dwell on anything. He’d gotten a lot off his chest last night and it had helped.

“You guys gonna be okay when I leave for school?” She asked.

“It’ll be different. But we’ll manage. Probably have some wild sex right about where you’re sitting.” He teased her with a smirk.

“Okay, that’s disgusting.” She moved immediately, the thought alone unappealing. “I’m gonna go get dressed before you say something that makes me puke.”

He laughed as she walked up the stairs, happy everyone was in good spirits this morning.

He dropped them both off to their respective places and headed to work.

Later, on his way to pick up Clarke, she texted him asking him to come inside.

‘Oh no. I’m smarter than that, princess.’ He texted back.

‘It’s not a trick! Please.’

He shook his head and smiled. He knew she lying, but he texted her ‘okay, fine’ anyway.

When he walked into the shelter, she was sitting there with a light grey pitbull sitting between her legs, panting away.

He put his hands in his pockets and gave her a disapproving look. “You said it wasn’t a trick.”

“It’s not! I just wanted you to meet him. His name is River.”

He sighed, but leaned down to the dog, who happily jumped towards him, swerving to push his butt against Bellamy, tail wagging away.

Bellamy chuckled and scratched his butt. He was missing an eye and half of one of his ears was missing too.

“He’s really sweet.” She told him.

“I couldn’t tell.” He laughed as River tried to lick his face.

“He was a fighting dog.” She said sadly. “When they found him, he was in the middle of the river, hence the name, but he was stuck. His leg was broken and he was splayed out on a rock... they used him, they hurt him, then they just dumped him out because he wasn’t useful to them anymore.”

Bellamy looked at the dog a little more closely. He had scars all over his face and body and his front leg was in a cast, but it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. He smiled sadly, patting the dog again.

“But look at him now.” Clarke smiled at the dog fondly. “He still wants to trust people. He still loves and he’s happy. He just wants to live.”

“This your way of asking me if he can come home with us?” Bellamy gave her a knowing smile.

“I just wanted you to meet him, I swear. I’m not asking you for anything right now. You said we’ll see, so we’ll see.” She told him.

He could see it in her eyes though. She wanted him to cave and say yes.

“Alright.” He said skeptically, standing up.

River went to sit back in front of Clarke, but stood as soon as she did, following her like it was his job.

“Alright, bud. In you go.” She said opening his cage door.

River went in immediately and Clarke tossed him a treat, scratching his head one last time.

The girl behind the counter waved. “Thanks for everything, Clarke. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye Anya, thanks.” She smiled.

Bellamy rested his hand on the small of her back as they walked out and helped her in the truck.

They picked up Octavia and he decided to take them out to dinner.

“Hey, Bell.” Clarke started as she nibbled at the bread on the table. “I really need you to tell me what you want for Christmas. It’s next week.”

“Ugh, he never wants anything. ‘_We’re all he needs_’.” Octavia mocked him. “Kill me.”

He chuckled and shrugged. “She’s not wrong.”

“What about you, Clarke?” Octavia asked. “What do you want?”

“Oh, I already know what I’m getting her.” Bellamy said confidently.

“Oh, do you now?” Clarke smiled.

“Yep.” He nodded.

She narrowed her eyes at him, suspiciously.

“You’ll see.” He grinned.

“Fine. I guess I’ll just have to figure yours out on my own then.”

“Guess you will.” He smirked.

When he got home, he texted Murphy. ‘You’re not gonna like it, but I need a favor.’

‘Why do you hate me?’ Was his only response.

Clarke looked over, seeing him grin at his phone. “Why does it look like you’re conspiring some evil plan over there?”

“I’m just texting Murphy.” He told her.

“Oh god, so _definitely_ an evil plan.” She teased.

“Planning your Christmas present, princess.”

“With Murphy?” She asked surprised. “I don’t even wanna know what it is.” She laughed.

“You’ll like it. I promise.” He said putting his phone down and pulling him to her.

“I’ll like whatever you get me.” She kissed him.

He grinned and patted her butt. “Come on. Lets get some sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter, happier chapter. Hopefully you guys love it. Next one is the Christmas chapter. A little bit a holiday cheer in there, then back down to business!


	24. ~ Silent Night ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little more fluff to get you guys through Christmas. Then things start to get tricky again 😬

The week leading up to Christmas went fast. Bellamy took the week off and Clarke did too, leaving them all time to be together since Octavia was out of school.

On Christmas morning, he rolled out of bed before Clarke, going to make them all breakfast.

He made eggs and hash browns, then threw some cinnamon rolls in the oven.

“Why does it smell like heaven in here?” Clarke had snuck down the stairs quietly and wrapped her arms around him.

He jumped a little, surprised at her voice and then chuckled. “Because I’m a heavenly cook.” He answered.

“You definitely are.” She agreed, smiling.

“Hey, go wake up O for me, please. It’s almost done.”

She nodded and ran to grab Octavia.

After they ate, Bellamy started a fire and they sat on the ground in front of the tree to open presents.

Bellamy had gotten Octavia the AirPods she’d been wanting and Clarke had gotten her a new jacket that she had seen her eyeing at the mall.

He opened Clarke’s present to him and smiled. It was a box filled will all sorts of things. There was a pair of boots, (she’d been telling him for weeks to replace his old ones with holes in the sides), a couple of books, his favorite candy, and a new shirt.

“I love it, princess.” He leaned over to kiss her, but she leaned back.

“That’s not all.” She smiled.

He made a face. “What do you mean? This is already too much.”

She scooted forward and pulled a large box from behind the tree.

“Jesus, you put a car in there?” He joked.

“Just shut up and open it.” She laughed.

He did so, still smiling at her.

His eyes shot to her when he saw what was in the box.

She smiled and shrugged. “Your other one looked like it could use a break.”

He pulled a dark wooden guitar from the box, a look of amazement on his face. “How much was this?”

“Not as much as you deserve.” She told him. “Just tell me you love it.” She teased.

Finally a smile broke out on his face and he leaned forward to kiss her. “I love it.” He smiled broadly at her.

Octavia sat back smiling, just glad that they were both happy in this moment. They needed this.

His phone buzzed and he leaned back to look at it. “Time to open yours now.” He grinned.

She gave him a weird look and took the small box he handed her.

She opened it slowly and looked confused, pulling a dog collar out of the box. She looked at the tag and gasped. “Bellamy...”

She had tears in her eyes, like if this was a joke, she was going to be heartbroken.

Just then they heard a car in the driveway.

Bellamy smirked and nodded his head towards the door. “I think your present’s here.”

She smiled and got up running to the door, him and Octavia not far behind her.

Murphy was standing by the backdoor of his car. “I think I have something of yours.”

He opened it and River bounced out.

“River!” She called and bent to her knees on the porch.

He ran straight to her, throwing his thick body into her, already trying to lick her face.

Bellamy leaned against the door frame smiling and Octavia had her phone out, recording the whole thing.

Clarke quickly stood up and flung herself onto Bellamy, who had to grab the doorframe to keep from falling.

He laughed and closed his arms around her waist, pulling her off the ground. “You’re welcome, princess.” He whispered.

River jumped up on both of them, wanting a piece of the action and Bellamy set Clarke down. Luckily his cast had been removed a few days earlier, his leg completely healed.

“The rest of his stuff is in my car.” Murphy said walking up the steps of the porch. “Bellamy bought this dog enough shit to start his own kennel.”

She leaned her head against Bellamys chest and smiled, reaching down to pet River.

“Okay, okay. Let’s get inside!” Octavia suggested, dramatically shivering. “It’s freezing out here.”

They all shuffled inside and Murphy went straight to the left over breakfast.

“Hungry?” Bellamy asked sarcastically.

“Hey!” Murphy started, a mouth full of food. “I earned this meal. I had that thing drooling on my pillow for a week.” He pointed to River.

Clarke and Octavia just laughed at him and Bellamy shook his head. “I’m gonna go grab his stuff from your car.” He said.

Ravens parents dropped her off because they had some ‘important business meeting’ the day after Christmas. They spent the day watching Christmas movies and sitting by the fire playing cards. At one point they ended up outside. What had started out as just going to take River outside, had turned into an all out snowball fight.

Clarke squealed as Bellamy threw one straight down the front of her jacket. She ran at him and jumped to tackle him.

He let her, rolling on the ground, covering them both in snow. He heard River barking playfully at Murphy and Raven not too far away.

He landed with Clarke on top of him and she paused smiling at him, then lifted her arm, dropping snow on his face. “Hey!” He laughed, shaking his head to get the snow off.

She laughed and leaned forward kissing him. He deepened it, tightening his grip on her back.

All of a sudden, the side of their faces were being licked and he heard laughter from both Murphy, Raven and Octavia as River licked the hell out of both of them.

“Not happening, man.” Bellamy complained, lightly pushing him back. “You can kiss her on your own time.”

Clarke smiled and pushed off of him to stand up and offered him her hand.

They all went back inside and defrosted from the snow. 

River plopped down right in front on the fire place, passing out almost right away and Clarke watched him with a soft smile.

“You’re the best.” Clarke whispered to Bellamy, her head laying on his shoulder.

“You too, princess.”

“Hey, Bell, play us a song on your new guitar.” Octavia suggested.

“Alright, alright.” He said like she was bothering him.

“You gonna sing for us, princess?” He grinned at her.

“Oh, I suppose so.” She sighed with a smile.

He started to play “Silent Night” and she sang her heart out until the last verse.

He hadn’t been this happy in a long time. He was surrounded by people he loved, playing his new guitar and listening to Clarke sing. He even had a dog sleeping by the fire.

It was the best Christmas he could remember ever having. The ones with his mother had always been bleak and depressing. 

Murphy brought out a bottle of wine and Bellamy eyed him, but Clarke nudged his arm.

“I’m good, Bell. I promise. Let’s celebrate.” She smiled.

And he believed her. They’d had an amazing day, the weeks leading up had been really good too.

“_One_ bottle.” He caved.

Murphy cackled and popped it open. “That’s my man!” He shouted, pouring everyone a glass.

Three bottles later, they were all wine drunk, laughing at Murphy’s attempt to sing ‘All I Want For Christmas’. 

They had pulled just about every blanket and pillow in the entire house, laying them out in front of the fire.

Octavia passed out first, curled in front of River, who was still sound asleep.

Around 3:00 am, Raven ended up with her head against Murphy’s shoulder, his head resting on hers. Both of them were snoring and almost exactly mirrored Bellamy and Clarke’s position amongst the pile of blankets and pillows.

Bellamy and Clarke were the last ones awake. She looked around her, mesmerized by the day.

Smiling, she stretched her head up to kiss Bellamys cheek, then rested her head back on his shoulder.

“I’ve never had this before.” She whispered, still a little drunkenly.

He kissed her head and smiled. “I know.”

“Do you think we could stay this way forever?” She asked. “All of us?”

He chuckled lowly. She was definitely still drunk. But this time, a happy drunk. That, he could deal with.

“We can stay however you want, princess.” He told her softly.

“Good.” She mumbled, shoving her face into his shoulder further. “Cause I love you guys a lot.”

“We love you too.” He kissed her one more time and whispered.

“This is my favorite Christmas ever.”

He chuckled again, her words were mumbled. She was starting to fall asleep.

“Mine too.” He admitted “Go to sleep, beautiful. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Bell.”

He looked around one last time and smiled, falling asleep surrounded by people he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone. I plan on posting Thursday and I’m actually hoping to use this week for a lot of writing. Yesterday I hammered out two more chapters and I’d been procrastinating, so I’m happy with myself 😂


	25. ~ Slow Down ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, skip to the bottom if you’d like to see what it is first.
> 
> If you guys want a song to listen to this chapter, I wrote it while listening to Untiled #2 by John Vincent III

Bellamy woke up first the next morning.

Everyone was bundled up with each other, making it a little hard to slip out without waking anyone up, but he managed. Clarke was a heavy sleeper, so he carefully moved her and she immediately drifted towards Raven, who was passed out on Murphy’s shoulder.

The fire had died down to nothing but embers, but there was still heat coming off it, so he threw a couple more logs on to start it back up.

River lifted his head and yawned, getting up to stretch his feet out in front of him.

“You wanna go outside?” Bellamy asked him quietly.

River bounced up, his feet moving up and down in place.

“Come on.” Bellamy laughed, grabbing his jacket to take him out.

Bellamy let him do his business and called him back inside. He started a pot of coffee and tossed River one of the bones he’d bought him and he caught it, heading straight to his spot in front of the fire.

Everyone was still sound asleep. 

_ Peaceful. _

Bellamy wondered how long they could stay this way- thought about what Clarke had drunkenly asked last night.

_ Could they stay this way forever? _

God, he wished they could. He loved the people in this room and all he wanted to do was keep them all safe.

For weeks now he’d been keeping his mind relatively clear of chaos, but now he felt a twinge off anxiety rise and he cursed himself silently. He just wanted to enjoy this with them, but instead he just had to start overthinking.

He poured his coffee and heard someone from the pile of blankets start to stir. Murphy stood up, staggering over to the kitchen island.

“You look like shit.” Bellamy smirked, mug in hand.

“Why does a wine hangover feel so much worse than a whiskey one?” He asked taking Bellamy's coffee straight from his hand.

Bellamy let out a little chuckle and pulled another mug from the cabinet. “Maybe if you hadn’t drank a whole bottle by yourself, you’d feel a little better.”

“It wasn’t the _whole_ bottle. It was- most of it.” He defended.

Bellamy huffed, but sobered up quickly, resting against the counter.

Murphy noticed and eyed him from over his mug. “You look like you’re thinking awfully hard... you alright?”

Bellamy shrugged, his eyes on the girls who had drifted closer together at some point. “I’m worried.”

Murphy’s eyes quickly looked back to the girls, making sure they were still sleeping.

“She looks like she’s doing great, man. I’ve never seen as her as happy as she was yesterday. What are you worried about?” He asked with a low voice.

Bellamy swallowed. “I don’t know, I...” he took a deep breath. “Her dads all over the news. All this shit with him and his trial. She knows it, and she’s doing okay with it, but... his life is over. It’s destroyed. So what’s stopping him from trying to get to her?”

“Bell, listen. You’re worrying about hypothetical shit here.” Murphy told him gently. “I’m sure he doesn’t wanna end up in jail.”

“But this trial will put him there. He’s not getting out of this. And he might not give a fuck.” Bellamy said quietly but urgently. “And if he doesn’t-“

“Hey, calm down, alright.” Murphy stood up walking closer to him.

“I’m gonna teach her to fight- to shoot.” Bellamy said firmly.

Murphy paused at that, surprised. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” He said confidently. “She’s not- suicidal... and I want her to be safe. Even if I’m not with her.”

Murphy sighed. It was too early for this shit. Or maybe he was just too hungover- either way, it was too much.

“You know her better than anyone else, Bellamy. If you think she’s okay, and if she thinks she can handle it, then... it’s not a bad idea.”

“Octavia’s gonna move away to college, and my mom is...”

“Your mom is your mom?” Murphy offered.

“Right.” He confirmed. “Clarke is all...” he trailed off.

“I know you’re about to say she’s all you’re gonna have, and honestly, I’m offended.” Murphy said, feigning hurt, putting his hand to his heart.

It got a small laugh from Bellamy. “I know, I know.” Bellamy told him. “I just mean-“

“I know what you mean.” Murphy assured. “I get it. It’s not just her that looks happier, you know? You do too.”

He smiled a little at that. “I am. You and Raven seem to get along pretty well.” Bellamy smirked at him.

Now it was Murphy’s turn to smile. “She’s alright.” He tried to agree nonchalantly.

He looked at Bellamy a moment longer before they both started laughing.

“I like her.” Murphy admitted after they quieted down. “And she’s staying here for college. Going to the tech school.”

Murphy was 23, like Bellamy, but Raven had already turned 18.

“So does that mean you’re gonna ask her out?” Bellamy asked.

“It means,” Murphy drew out. “That we’ll see.”

“Last time I said ‘we’ll see’, you ended up with a dog drooling on your pillow for a week.” Bellamy teased.

“You know, I think I’m gonna miss that mutt.” Murphy said thoughtfully. “Even if he took up more of the bed than I did.”

Bellamy laughed and started cooking them all breakfast. By the time he was finished, the girls were awake and ready to eat.

“So, Bellamy and I had a fun idea.” Murphy started as they ate.

Bellamy looked over at him confused, but stayed silent.

“We should all go to the gun range today.” He finished.

“For real?” Raven asked, excitedly. “Because I am _so_ down for that.”

Murphy pointed at Raven with his fork. “My kind of girl!”

“Same here.” Clarke smiled. “Bell and I have been talking about going anyway.”

Murphy looked over to Octavia, who looked less than thrilled. “Aw, come on. Don’t be a debbie-downer.” He told her. “How do you know you won’t love it?”

“I’ll go because everyone else is going.” She said forcefully. “But I’m not gonna like it.”

Turns out, that had been a lie. Bellamy and Murphy got their guns, then rented a couple at the range so they all could have one.

Octavia reluctantly fired off her first round, Murphy giving her and Raven the ins and outs, then they could barely get her to lay off the trigger and give someone else a turn.

Bellamy helped Clarke load hers, showed her the safety, basic gun safety rules, then helped her hold it.

“I’m a little nervous.” She admitted as she tried to line up and aim at her first target.

She felt Bellamy's presence behind her, his body strong against hers. “Don’t be, princess.”

His arms came around to her hands, helping her adjust it and hold it properly. “Does that feel better?” He asked.

His voice was next to her ear and it ran a chill through her. “Yeah.”

“Alright, aim at the middle. Don’t squeeze too hard or you’ll end up shooting high. Try to relax. Keep yourself steady but not tense.”

She took a deep breath and aimed, then pulled the trigger on her exhale.

“Holy shit.” She smiled.

Bellamy chuckled behind her. “Good job.”

She’d hit almost dead center, but not quite.

“Go again.” He said.

So she did. For the most part, she was pretty good. It surprised Bellamy, though it shouldn’t have. Clarke always seemed to think she couldn’t do things- that she wasn’t smart enough, or good enough, but any time she tried something, she excelled at it.

Slowly, her confidence was building up. She was more comfortable in her skin and more comfortable trying new things and learning.

It was amazing the changes that could be made when you aren’t constantly being brought down by someone else. She was finally starting to see the person Bellamy knew she was.

•

Over the next few weeks, he took her to the gym, taught her to fight, how to defend herself. Raven and Murphy tagged along too most of the time. Raven was interested in learning, and Murphy was interested in her. Plus it gave him and Bellamy some time to get back in the ring too.

Bellamy was a better fighter than Murphy, always had been, but he could still give him a run for his money sometimes because Murphy was a little smaller and faster.

It made Raven nervous to watch them sometimes, but at the same time, it was so intriguing to watch them.

Overall, they were happy to release some stress from the week when they went to the gym. Clarke and Raven would spar as well. Their fights were about 50/50 on who would win, both of them skilled.

Clarke and Bellamy both had their good and bad days- things that triggered anxiety or just days that they just felt kind of down, but together they worked through it. River had helped them both more than they realized he would too.

About two months after Christmas, Bellamy was at work when he got a call from an unknown number. He’d started to really hate those. Especially after the whole thing at the party with Clarke’s dad, but he answered anyway.

“Bellamy.” He answered.

“Is this Bellamy Blake?” A voice from the other end of the line asked.

“Yeah, this is him.” For some reason, his heart was starting to speed up. A feeling in his gut telling him that this was bad.

“This is Officer Pike from Arkadia PD... I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

He steeled himself and swallowed. He already knew. “It’s my mom?” He asked a little roughly.

“It is, son... I’m sorry, but she was picked up last night by paramedics when a local found her in an alleyway. She overdosed and they weren’t able to help her in time.”

Bellamy closed his eyes. He felt sick. “Where is she?” His voice was deep and rough, but he tried to swallow down the emotions.

“She’s here in Arkadia... Mr. Blake, we do need someone to positively identify her body.”

He was gonna throw up and his head was spinning. _Clarke_. He needed Clarke.  


“Mr. Blake?”

“Yeah.” He managed after a minute. “Yeah, I’ll- I’ll be there.”

He grabbed his keys and headed to his truck without a word to anyone, driving straight to the animal shelter to get Clarke.

He knew the women inside the shelter now pretty well, since he came in most days when he picked Clarke up. Anya looked at him in surprise when he popped his head through the door.

“Bellamy, you’re here early.” She said. “Is everything okay?”

“Could, uh, could you get Clarke for me. It’s an emergency.” He said eerily calm.

Anyas face turned to concern. “Yeah. I’ll go get her.”

He went back outside to wait, he couldn’t be surrounded by walls right now. He doubled over and put his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths.

“Fuck.” He muttered weakly.

A wave of nausea ran through him again and this time he couldn’t stop it. He turned to the bushes and emptied his stomach.

“Bell?” He heard Clarke’s worried voice behind him and then her hand was on his back and she was knelt beside him.

He shook his head as he tried to catch his breath, unable to answer her.

She pulled a water bottle from her bag and handed it to him, her face scrunched up in concern.

He took it with shaking hands and washed his mouth out.

It was too much. He didn’t know how to feel- didn’t know what to do. Deep down he knew it was just a matter of time before this happened, but right now it felt like it came out of nowhere.

She put her hand on his forehead, most likely to see if he had a fever.

He shook his head again and pushed himself back so he was sitting on the ground.

Her hands went to his face, brushing the hair out of his eyes.

“It’s my mom.” He rasped, trying to push down tears that he wouldn’t let fall.

Clarke took a deep breath, bracing herself.

“She’s dead.” He shook his head and looked away. “They want me to go ID her body.”

Clarke processed the information with a creased brow and shook her head. “Bell... I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

He shrugged a little. She was right. It definitely wasn’t a _good_ idea.

“It’s not... but I have to do it.”

“Bell, if it’s too hard, let me do it. Let me do this for you.” She tried softly, even though she knew he wouldn’t listen.

“...I have to do it.” He said sadly.

She gave him a sad look and sighed. “I know you do...”

“Can you... can you just come with me, please. I need you there.”

She nodded immediately. “Of course I will.”

He nodded and sniffed, still holding back his tears. “Could we just sit here a minute?” He asked her.

Instead of answering, she moved from her knees to sit on the ground next to him, letting her head rest on his shoulder. His head immediately came to rest on hers and she intertwined their fingers, laying their hands in her lap. “Whenever you’re ready.” She whispered.

He squeezed her hand tight and took deep breaths.

He wasn’t ready to breakdown just yet. He had a lot to get through still. He had to drive to Arkadia and ID her body, drive back home. Fuck, he had to tell Octavia.

They sat there on the snow covered ground in the parking lot for a while. He wasn’t sure how long it was, but she never once complained or asked him if he was ready. She just waited patiently in the freezing cold until he stood up, pulling her with him.

“You want me to drive?” She asked.

“No, it’s okay. It’s a three hour drive.” He put his hand on her back and they walked to the truck.

He kissed her head and pulled her body close to his before helping her in, trying to pull as much strength from her as he could.

On the drive there, she sat in the middle seat next to him, his hand resting firmly on her thigh and her hand on top of his. She didn’t say anything- didn’t ask him what happened or if he was okay and he was thankful for that. He didn’t want to talk about it yet. He just wanted to have her next to him.

“Could you text Murphy and tell him what happened?” Bellamy asked her, his voice still rough. “Ask him to pick up Octavia and grab River from the house.”

She nodded and let go of his hand to text him, but Bellamy's grip stayed strong on her thigh.

“He wants to know if you want him to tell her?” Clarke said after her phone chimed.

He sighed and worked his jaw in thought. It was tempting, but it wasn’t fair to ask Murphy to do that.

“No. He shouldn’t have to.” He said. “I’ll tell her later.”

They finally pulled up to the hospital that they had his mom in. He put the truck in park and just stared at the doors for a few minutes.

Again, Clarke waited quietly until he was ready.

“Ready?” He asked like it was up to her.

“Whenever you are.” She told him gently.

He nodded and squeezed her hand one more time before getting out.

Officer Pike was waiting for him inside the hospital.

“Mr. Blake.” He greeted.

“Bellamy is fine.” He told him somberly.

“Bellamy.” Officer Pike corrected, then he looked to Clarke.

“I’m Clarke.” She said, holding her hand out to him.

He nodded and shook her hand. “If you’re ready, you can follow me.”

They followed him silently. Bellamy wasn’t really sure what to expect, but the whole thing felt extremely grim.

They walked down to the morgue and Pike went to the table in the middle of the room. “Ready?” He asked.

Bellamy nodded and Pike pulled back the sheet.

Clarke bit her lip and Bellamys grip became crushing on her hand. He closed his eyes and looked away, shaking his head.

_ It was her. _

He’d known it was, there was never really any doubt. But, _seeing it_?...

Her face was sunken in, completely void of any color. Her hair was matted and there were bruises across her cheek.

Pike looked to Clarke for confirmation since Bellamy was looking away. She simply nodded and Pike covered her back up.

“Her body can be transported wherever you’d like. Just let the nurse know and they can makethe arrangements.”

Bellamy nodded, turning his face back to Kane and running a hand down his face. “There’s a place that does cremation back in Shadow Valley.” He said. “Take her there.”

“Alright.” Pike nodded. “I’ll let them know for you. We’ll need to get you to sign a couple of things and you two can be on your way.”

They went back to the main lobby and he signed whatever he was told to on autopilot. He was relieved when they could finally go back to the truck.

It had started to rain, so they ran quickly to the truck and once they were inside, he leaned his head back against the headrest and swallowed.

Clarke ran her arm up and down his arm and he closed his eyes.

“She overdosed.” He whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

She bit her lip. She’d assumed it was something like that. It was something he’d always been scared would happen. It was why it freaked him out so badly when she was at her worst and took the PCP- when she talked about taking the pills that his mom had given her. Now this had probably brought it back to the front of his mind.

He turned to her, his body shaking and he searched her face. His mouth trembled and he swallowed hard. “Tell me- tell me that you’re okay. Tell me that you’re not gonna do that to me- because, Clarke, _I can’t_. I- I can’t see you on a table like that- I keep seeing you with those _fucking pills_ in your hand and- and hearing what you said at that party and I just-“

“Hey, hey. Bell, slow down.” She called softly and brought their heads together, putting her hands on the side of his face. His words were rushed and panicked.

His hands came to hold onto her arms and he closed his eyes again. He was shaking so badly.

“Clarke, I can’t. _Please_, princess. I can’t lose you like that.” He sobbed, his tears finally releasing.

“I’m right here, baby. I’m okay.” She said softly but confidently. “Bell, look at me.”

His eyes that had been darting across her face finally stilled and met hers. She almost wished they hadn’t because she hated seeing the pain in them.

“I’m okay.” She whispered slowly. “I am not going to do that to you. I _promise_.”

He took a shaky breath and nodded. “My mom did.” His voice broke and he looked lost. “My mom did that to me.”

She swallowed down her own tears. “I know...” she whispered. “I know, love. I’m _so_ sorry.”

He kissed her hard, trying to reassure himself that she was here and she wasn’t in the place she was months ago- trying to blur the images of his mother overdosing again and again and trying not to picture Clarke doing the same.

When he pulled back, she brought his head to her chest. He fell into it easily, just letting himself get his emotions out.

It was a little difficult to curl around her like he wanted since they were in the truck, but they made it work.

After what must’ve been an hour, she was still running her hands through his hair. She found herself humming softly to him and eventually he fell asleep.

She looked at the clock. 8:23. She squirmed a little, managing to pull her phone out of her pocket. She had a couple texts from Murphy.

‘She knows. I’ve got her and Niylah.’

She sighed. ‘We may not make it back tonight. Is she okay?’

‘Best as she can be. I think she expected it at some point... Niylah and I have her for the night. Is Bell good?’

She looked down at him nestled into her chest and bit her lip. ‘Taking it a little harder than Octavia it sounds like.’

‘It’s more complicated for him I think. Was it an overdose?’

‘Yeah.’ She typed and thought for a second. ‘He was worried about me...’

‘Like... you mean about drugs?’

She could tell Murphy was a little nervous to ask, even through the text.

‘Yeah, he was scared about the same thing happening to me.’

‘But you’re good, right? I mean, honestly?’

‘I’m good. I’ve only ever done drugs twice. Once was that night and I haven’t since. But I know I said some shit that scared him that night.’

‘You did.’ He agreed. ‘But he knows you’ve only done them that night. He’s just in a rough spot, he’s only remembering the bad shit. Just give him a bit to remember the good.’

‘I know. I just feel bad that I’m making it worse for him. Scaring him.’

‘Trust me, the last thing you’re doing is making it worse. He needs you right now.’

‘Thanks Murphy. For everything.’

‘No problem, kid.’

She sat the phone down and grabbed an extra jacket that Bellamy had on the floorboard, bundling it behind her head so the door wasn’t digging into it.

The rain wasn’t letting up, so she got as comfortable as she could, laying on the seat, with Bellamy resting on her.

She kissed the top of his head and sighed again. She didn’t know what to do other than be there for him. To be strong for him like he always was for her.

She could give him this little moment to be sad and vulnerable. Before he had to go back and start arrangements, to deal with all the questions and people constantly reminding him what happened by apologizing for it.

Eventually, she let the sound of his breathing and the raindrops against the window lull her to sleep, hoping everything would be easier for him tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of overdose/death by overdose.
> 
> I know I’ve been focusing a lot on how much Clarke needs Bellamy and this chapter really shows the flip side, which I felt was super important. He needs her as much as she needs him.


	26. ~ Whole Heart ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s been awhile guys. Between the holidays and work, I’ve been losing my mind. Should be back to normal this week!

Bellamy woke up feeling a little confused. He heard rain pounding on what sounded like metal and opened his eyes. He realized he was in his truck and Clarke was underneath him.

His first thought was that she couldn’t be comfortable. She had a jacket shoved behind her as a pillow and her neck was in a strange position. His second thought was more of a memory as everything from yesterday came rushing back to him.

They were in his truck, in the Arkadia hospital parking lot, because his mom overdosed- _She was dead_. He took a deep breath remembering how badly he had panicked last night about Clarke.

He let his head rest back on her for a minute. She’d been the only thing that got him through yesterday. A quiet but strong presence by his side the whole time. He’d fallen asleep on top of her, crammed in the small cab of the truck, crying into her chest.

She must’ve decided not to wake him up and he found himself grateful for that. He didn’t think he would’ve been ready to face other people just yet.

There was still so much he was going to have to deal with. Octavia was at the top of that list. He wasn’t sure how she was going to react, or how she’d take it.

Octavia and their mom had never been close. She’d been drunk or high, or both for most of Octavias childhood, leaving Bellamy the one to take care of both of them. Bellamy always took the brunt force of the side effects from her addiction. Had always been the one to be her verbal and sometimes physical punching bag.

Octavia never wanted much to do with her because of it. Seeing how she treated Bellamy, hearing it- it made her hate her mother.

Still, there were small moments of happiness scattered throughout the years, between the darkness, as few and far between as they may have been. They were just hard to see.

Even harder to see now.

Clarke started to move underneath him, trying to stretch out her legs and shift her upper half into a more comfortable position.

He heard her let out a soft sigh, slowly waking up. Her hand came to his hair and she started letting her fingers run through it.

He lifted his head to look at her and she moved her hand to his cheek.

“Morning.” She whispered.

“Morning, princess.” He whispered back, lifting his hand up to brush her hair behind her ear.

She let out a sleepy sigh and snuggled further back into the jacket she was using as a pillow.

He watched her face and she just looked at him softly. Sometimes he was taken back by how beautiful she was.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He told her quietly, his hand resting on the side of her neck.

“You don’t have to know, Bell. I’m not going anywhere.”

He nodded. “I know... I’m sorry.”

She tilted her head a little.

“I...” he closed his eyes for a second. “I know that you’re not like her.” His voice low and gravely. “I _know_ that you’re not... it was just all right there in my head. I kept seeing her give you those pills and hearing her tell you that it was the only way... I kept replaying the night of the party. I couldn’t lose you that way. And I couldn’t push it down.”

“I know it’s scary, Bell.” She comforted. “It scared me too. Looking back at it- it _terrifies_ me how close I was to dying, because I was too scared to face everything... but I’m not there anymore. I’m not in that place and I don’t want to go back.”

“I know, princess.” He let his hand move to her cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She kissed him softly. “And if there’s anything you should be sorry for, it’s the fact that your truck has door handles that feel like rocks in my back.” She teased with a small smile.

He let out a small, breathy laugh and lifted himself off of her.

“I guess we should go back, huh?” He asked running hand through his hair in attempt to tame it.

“Probably.” She agreed. “Octavia knows... she got it out of Murphy.”

He sighed and nodded. “I had a feeling she would... is she okay?”

“Niylah and Murphy seem to think so.”

She watched his swallow and he nodded again. “She knew it would happen.” He said roughly. “We both did. But it just feels like...”

“Like it came out of nowhere?” She offered.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “Everything was just going too good, right? Something had to fuck it up?” He said cynically.

She made a face and shook her head. “Life is always gonna throw stuff at us. Good and bad... We both know that.”

“You know, I... I don’t know why it hurts like it does.” He admitted, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. “I can count on one hand the good times we had.”

“You told me a while ago that you’d always love her... she’s your mom, just like you said.”

He sniffed and nodded, but didn’t respond.

“Bellamy, look at me.” She said gently.

She knew what he was doing to himself, she could tell. He was making himself hurt.

When he looked over at her, she had to swallow. His eyes were red and she could see his pain. God, she hated seeing him like this.

“This is _not_ your fault.” She said, taking his face in her hands.

“It is though. I- I couldn’t help her.” He shrugged. “She’s dead because I gave up.”

“How long did you try though, Bell?” She asked rhetorically. “You did everything you could... look how hard it’s all been with me and I _want_ to get better. Bellamy, there is nothing you could’ve done to stop her, you know that.”

His eyes searched hers and his body relaxed a little.

“You don’t think I was a shit son?” He asked like he was scared to hear the answer.

“I don’t think you could ever be a shit anything.” She said firmly. “You care and you feel and I love you for it. It’s okay to be upset, Bellamy. You loved her. And you d_idn’t do this_, okay?”

A tear managed to slip, but he nodded at her. He took a deep breath and leaned forward to kiss her head, then turned to start the long drive home.

He kept his grip tight on her hand the whole way back.

She wished it wasn’t raining, it was making the whole thing even more grim than it already was, but it fit the mood, she supposed.

When they pulled up to Murphy’s, he took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s she’s gonna say.” He said before getting out.

“Only one way to find out.” Clarke squeezed his hand.

They ran to the porch, trying to get out of the rain as quickly as they could and Murphy opened the front door. River ran out and pushed himself gently against Bellamy.

He kneeled down and let River rest his front legs on his knees. “Hey, big man.” He said gently. “Sorry we were gone so long.”

Murphy looked at Clarke in question about how Bellamy was doing and she shook her head a little.

River was calmer than usual, probably feeling everyone’s mood around him.

Bellamy stood up, but River stayed glued to his side. “How’s Octavia?” He asked.

“It seems like she’s fine.” Murphy said. “She’s a little angry I think.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised.” He sighed.

“What about you?” Murphy asked. “Are you good?”

Bellamy shrugged. “Better than I was.”

Clarke was a little relieved to hear him say that. She’d thought their talk had helped, but she wasn’t positive.

Murphy moved in to hug him, surprising Bellamy a bit, but he recovered quickly, hugging him back.

“I’m sorry, man.” Murphy whispered.

“Thanks, Murphy.” He said pulling back. “I think we’re gonna head home.”

Murphy nodded and Octavia and Niylah stepped out of the house, bundled up.

“Is it okay if Niylah stays over?” Octavia asked, not wanting to say anything more.

“Yeah, O. That’s fine.” Bellamy said with a small sigh.

She nodded and went straight to Niylah’s car.

“Thanks for watching them.” Bellamy told Murphy.

Murphy nodded. “Just call me if you guys need anything, alright?” He said glancing back and forth between him and Clarke.

“Come on, River.” Bellamy called, turning to walk to the truck.

When they got home, Octavia went straight to her room with Niylah.

Bellamy sighed and plopped himself down on the couch, running a hand down his face.

“I feel worn out. Like I don’t have anything left in me.” He told Clarke.

“Can I help?” Clarke asked, sitting next to him. “Do you need to call anyone, tell them what happened?”

“No, it- it’s just us.” He whispered, head still laid back on the couch. “I’ve gotta call the cremation place though.”

“I’ll do it, Bell.” She told him softly.

He turned his head to look at her, but didn’t lift it. “Is it fucked up if I don’t have a funeral?” He asked.

“No.” She said confidently. “You do what you feel like is best for you and Octavia. If that means just picking up her ashes and setting them to the side, then do it. If it means planning some big funeral and inviting everyone you know, then do that.”

“I just wanna get her ashes and... and figure out the rest later.” He whispered to her.

“I’ll call them for you.” She said, standing to make the call.

He caught her hand and pulled her back down. “Can you stay here?”

She nodded and relaxed back down, pulling out her phone.

It took her longer than she thought it would. There was a lot of being placed on hold and a lot of questions. By the time she hung up, Bellamy was sleeping.

Instead of just sitting, she decided to do things around the house. She cleaned the entire kitchen, which was still dirty from the morning before, swept, started clothes and tidied up. It was normally stuff that Bellamy did, but she didn’t want him to have to.

When she was happy with it, she finally took her place back next to him. She rubbed his arm and he shifted towards her in his sleep. She moved him so he was laying on her lap and let her hands run through his hair. It always relaxed him when he was awake, so she hoped it would in his sleep too.

She looked up as Octavia started down the stairs.

“Hey.” Clarke called softly.

“Hey...” She paused at the bottom of the stairs, not quite in the living room. “Is he okay?”

“He’s... beating himself up a little. But he’s doing better.” Clarke shrugged.

“He thinks it’s his fault, doesn’t he?” She asked grimly.

Clarke bit her lip, but didn’t answer.

“Of course he does.” Octavia blew out, walking forward to sit on the coffee table. “Nothing we ever did could help her.” She continued. “She treated him so shitty and he still tried to help her. Still loved her and I don’t... I don’t get it.” She ended, shaking her head.

Clarke sighed and looked down at him. “He has... the _biggest heart_ of anyone I’ve ever known, Octavia. And he loves with his whole heart.” She said sounding almost in awe. “That’s something that I don’t think most people do because they’re scared. He didn’t want to give up on her... If he would’ve given up on me, I’d be dead.”

“Don’t talk like that, Clarke, you-“

“I would’ve killed myself.” She shrugged, cutting her off. “And I- I gave him reasons not to try. But he did anyway. He saved me... He wants to believe that people can be better but, your mom, she couldn’t. And that hurts him. When he can’t save the people he loves- and he loves so strongly... it hurts him.”

Octavia looked down at her hands, quietly.

“He’s better than I could ever imagine being. And I hate that sometimes that hurts him... But it’s who he is.” Clarke finished softly.

“Since when can you explain my brother better than I can.” Octavia looked up, trying to joke lightly.

She huffed a little and smiled. “Spent enough time around him to practically be in his mind by now.”

“You guys really help each other... I guess he’ll need you now more than ever.” Octavia said more seriously.

“And I’m not going anywhere.”

Octavia smiled again. “I know you aren’t.”

Clarke gave her a small smile. “What about you? Are you okay?”

Octavia shrugged. “I came to terms that this was going to be how it ended a long time ago. I feel a little sad, sure, but... Nothing is missing from life now that wasn’t already missing before.”

That was true, Clarke guessed. And Octavia seemed truly at peace with it. She seemed more worried about Bellamy than the fact that their mother was dead, her eyes fixed on him now.

“He’s gonna be fine.” Clarke assured her softly. “He just needs a little time.”

“I kinda wish he’d feel with a little bit less than his whole heart sometimes.” Octavia tried to smile.

“That’s something I don’t think is gonna happen.” She gave her a small smile back.

“Yeah.” Octavia sighed a little.

“I’m just gonna order pizza for dinner.” Clarke told her, changing the subject. “What do you guys want?”

“Just pepperoni is fine, thanks.” Octavia said standing to go back upstairs.

Once she was gone, Clarke looked back down to Bellamy, brushing his curls out of his face.

His eyes opened and she paused her movements. “Hey, handsome.” She whispered.

He lifted his hand to her cheek and let his thumb run down it. “I hate to think you wouldn’t have made it without me.” He whispered roughly.

She bit her lip. “You were awake.”

He just nodded, letting his eyes roam over her face.

“Bell... you found me exactly when I needed to be found. And I-“ she cut off, shaking her head. “I don’t know where I’d be if you hadn’t.”

He pushed up into sitting position and then pulled her on top of his lap, kissing her without another word.

His tongue pressed against her lips and she welcomed him immediately, deepening the kiss.

When his hands ran up her sides she shuddered, letting her body react to his.

He pulled back, breathing hard. “I need you.” His voice was deep and gravely and sent a thrill through her.

His teeth grazed across her collar bone and she tilted her neck to give him better access.

Technically, they should move. Octavia and Niylah were just upstairs and they were out in the open, but Bellamy didn’t show any signs of stopping or relocating.

His hands went under her shirt, letting his fingers tease her nipples.

“Bell, we should-“

He cut her breathy words off with a kiss, moving one of his hands to the back of her neck, pressing her harder to him. Her hands found their way under his shirt on their own, letting herself feel the muscles there, turning her on even more.

She felt him pull at the bottom of her shirt, so she broke the kiss long enough to pull it off, immediately going back to his mouth.

His hands went to his pants, undoing them to pull himself out.

“We should move.” She said, pulling back breathlessly.

He ignored her, moving his mouth to her breast and his hands to her sweatpants, slipping his hand easily into the waistband.

Her body lifted off of him, giving him more room to touch her and her head fell back.

“God, Bellamy.” She sighed as he slipped a finger inside her. She was already wet, her body reacting easily to him. “We need to mov-“

“You need to shut up.” He growled deeply.

Another wave of excitement rushed through her and she gasped as he curled his finger up inside her.

“Stand up and take off your pants.” He ordered in her ear, letting his finger slip from her.

She listened right away. Standing right in front of him and slipping out of them.

His eyes were dark and watched her the whole time, sitting on the couch, cock out waiting for her. He held his hand out to her, pulling her back on top of him, positioning her just over his cock.

“You want it. Don’t you, princess?” He teased her clit, sliding the head of his cock across it and she jerked in response.

“Yes.” her voice was husky and low.

“Then take it, baby.” He ordered her and pushed her down onto it.

Her body trembled and she cried out, leaning forward onto him. She bit her tongue, trying to keep quiet and rolled her hips forward.

“Fuck...” Bellamy growled. He wrapped his hand into the hair at the base of her neck and pulled, using it to help guide her up and down.

He thrusted up into her, matching her every movement. The hand that wasn’t wrapped in her hair, gripped her waist so hard that she was sure to have a bruise later, but that just surged her on.

She bit down on his shoulder, trying to keep quiet, but it was almost overwhelming. His grip on her hair- on her waist, the low moans coming from his mouth, her clit brushing against him every time she moved, the fact that Octavia and Niylah could walk downstairs at any moment.

“Bell...” she said shakily against him.

“You’ve got it, princess. Just like that.” He praised her lowly, moving his mouth up to her ear and pushing her down even harder on her next thrust. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

She gasped and tried to breathe as she felt her orgasm on the edge, but he slowed her movements down.

“Bell, I-“ she started to complain, but he cut her off.

“Not yet, baby. Slow down.”

Her body was shaking and she could barely see straight. She whined and dug her nails into his shoulder, and he set their pace, guiding her body with his hands.

He kissed her neck and she shuddered again.

“God, Bell, I need to come.”

“Not yet.” He repeated, his voice deep and rough. “Wait until I say.”

His words vibrated through her, making it almost impossible for her to obey them.

He moved his hand to her breast and tweaked her nipple hard. She cried out and he felt himself on the verge of his own orgasm.

“Please- Bell, I...” she cut her own self off with a moan.

He let her speed her movements back up, pulling her down on him hard.

“Come for me, princess.” He growled in her ear. “Let me hear you.”

She let out a gasp in relief and he felt her walls tighten, finally letting herself come.

If he wasn’t already there, the noises she was making would’ve gotten him there. He released inside her, fucking up into her a few more times, riding it out.

She let her head fall onto his shoulder while she tried to regain control of her body and catch her breath.

He gently kissed her shoulder, then her neck, then finally pulled her off his shoulder to kiss her lips.

“I love you.” He said, voice raspy.

“I love you too.”

They heard Octavias room open and their eyes widened. Clarke jumped to the side and Bellamy grabbed the blanket on the back of the couch, throwing it over them and quickly pulled up his pants. There was no way around it- they were caught.

“Hey, when’s the pizza supposed to- oh, my god.” She turned around half way down the stairs, hands over her eyes. “Are you kidding me?” She shrieked. “You guys have to do that right _now_? Right _there_?”

Clarke pressed her lips together, blanket pulled up to her chin and looked at Bellamy. He looked at her, holding back laughter and couldn’t contain it. They both lost it, laughing uncontrollably.

“I do not understand you two.” Octavia turned back around, trying to be annoyed at them.

She stomped down the stairs and picked up Clarke’s clothes from the floor, then threw them at her. “That is _not_ what ordering pizza looks like.”

They just laughed harder, Bellamy leaning against Clarke. Octavia tried not to smile, she really did, but looking at them, she couldn’t help it.

“You guys are so annoying.” She said, failing her attempt at being mad. “Forget the meat on the pizza, I just want cheese now. If I even have an appetite at all after that.”

“In our defense, I told you to start knocking.” Bellamy said, sobering up a little, but still chuckling.

“Knocking on _what_, the staircase?” She asked incredulously. “Oh, no. This is on you, big brother.”

“Hey, at least we heard you and covered ourselves before you made it down. Consider yourself lucky.” Bellamy teased.

“Maybe I would, if I didn’t have to sit on that couch later.” She retorted.

Clarke laughed and slipped on her shirt, not caring that Octavia was there. “You’ve seen it all before anyway.” Clarke told her lightly.

“Yeah, not like that. And trust me, I don’t need to see any of my brothers ‘nether regions’.” She gestured towards him.

“I’m gonna order the pizza now.” Clarke said standing up and walking up to the bedroom where her phone was charging.

“Yeah, maybe actually order it this time.” Bellamy teased her, knowing full well he was the reason she hadn’t.

She rolled her eyes with a smile and disappeared up the stairs.

Octavia sobered, looking at him seriously. “Are you doing okay?”

He shrugged a little. “I’ve been worse.”

She nodded and looked down at her hands.

“Are you?” He asked, even though he already knew she was.

She shrugged in response too, almost feeling guilty for being okay. “I accepted this a long time ago.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I guess in a way I did too. I just- didn’t know it’d feel so out of the blue.”

“Shit like this always does.” Octavia said. “Even if you know it’s coming... The hit can still surprise you.”

“It didn’t surprise you.” He said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

She swallowed and shook her head. “No, it didn’t.”

“I wish I could take it like you. It’d be a lot easier.” He admitted.

“Clarke- she said that you love with your whole heart. And that it’s part of what makes you, you... even if it hurts you.” Octavia said quietly. “She’s right.”

He smiled a little and nodded.

“We’re gonna be fine.” She said assuringly. “Time heals all wounds, or whatever.” She joked.

He laughed and shook his head. “Or whatever.” He repeated.

“This feels like a moment we should hug, but after what I just witnessed on that couch, I’m gonna need a little physical distance for a while.”

He chuckled and stood up to pull her in for a hug anyway.

“Ew! God, let go.” She laughed, trying to push him away.

Clarke and Niylah came down the stairs at that point.

“Um, group hug and you didn’t invite us?” Niylah said, feign offended.

Bellamy reached one arm out, and Clarke slid into his side easily, Niylah doing the same to Octavia.

“I want no part of this!” Octavia laughed, trying to squirm free.

Finally Bellamy released her, keeping his arm around Clarke, and feeling a lot better than he had when the day started.


	27. ~ In Your Troubled Mind ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two people unbookmarked the story after the last chapter, so apparently I suck now lol. Anyway, trying to get back to the normal updates and trying not to let my job kill me. Chapter title from the song Girl by SYML

They decided against a funeral. Too much money would go into it and as unfortunate as it may have been, there wasn’t exactly a lot of people to mourn her.

Instead, he and Clarke picked up her ashes and he placed them on top of the bookshelf in the living room.

Octavia and Raven were now getting excited for prom season, which was closing in quickly.

Raven and Murphy were over for dinner and they were all crowded around the table eating.

“So Murphy, you gonna crash Ravens prom?” Bellamy asked, smirking.

“Somehow I don’t think the school would approve my being there.” He made a face.

Raven and Murphy were ‘official’ now. They were much more public about their relationship than Bellamy and Clarke, but then again, Raven had already hit the 18 milestone.

“Aw, don’t be sad.” Raven fake pouted. “I’ll still have plenty of guys willing to show me a good time.”

“Not helping.” Murphy said matter of factly.

Bellamy chuckled and shook his head.

“Oh, relax.” Raven chastised. “I’ll be hanging out with Niylah and Octavia. Unless Clarke wants to be my date?” She asked slyly.

Bellamys hand tightened on hers subconsciously.

“I don’t think I wanna risk going back into that school.” Clarke said. “Otherwise, I’d _love_ to be your date.”

“Fucking school is filled with assholes.” Octavia said. “I can’t wait to be out of there.”

“Same here. I am excited about prom though. And even if you don’t want to admit it, you are too.” Raven said, nudging Octavia.

She rolled her eyes, but smiled, because she was. It was going to be her first dance with Niylah and she was looking forward to it.

Bellamy was barely listening to their conversation, focusing on Clarke. She was focused on them, listening intently as they started talking about prom dresses and where they’d get ready.

She’d had her childhood and her teenage years taken away from her. She didn’t get to experience things the way most teenage girls did. He hated to think about what her actual childhood had been like.

Now she didn’t even get to have a prom. He doubted she’d want to go even if she was still in school, but he hated that now she didn’t have the option.

“You should come dress shopping with us, Clarke.” Raven said. “Help us pick something sexy.” She wiggled her eyebrows in Murphy’s direction.

“Or a turtle neck.” Bellamy said dryly.

“I second that.” Murphy raised his hand.

Raven looked at Clarke and rolled her eyes. “Why did we decide to date old men?” She asked.

Clarke snorted and let out a little giggle. “Because high school guys are worse than they are. But in a different way.”

“Fair point.” Raven smiled.

“And for the record,” Bellamy started. “We are _not_ old men. We are grown, mature, sexy men.”

“Oh, gag me.” Octavia said with a face of disgust.

“Please. Murphy groaned like he had a broken hip when he got out of bed this morning.” Raven said. “And _you_,” She pointed at Bellamy. “Already need glasses to read. Plus, _you read_. That’s an old man thing.”

“Is not.” He argued and Clarke laughed because he sounded like a little kid. “Plus, lots of young people need glasses. Hell, even some babies.” He continued.

“So you’re comparing yourself to a baby?” Raven asked simply.

“Whatever.” He glared at her playfully.

“Anyway,” Octavia started. “You should come with us, Clarke.”

“If you guys want me to, I’ll be there.” She smiled.

“We do.” Raven said. “I want you to be apart of it somehow. It means a lot to me.”

“So you guys are gonna get ready here?” Clarke asked.

“I think so.” Raven answered. “More room, less parents.”

“Old man here, if you’re forgetting.” Bellamy commented.

Clarke smiled and shook her head at him.

That night, when Bellamy and Clarke were laying in bed, his mind wouldn’t still.

“You awake?” He whispered, knowing she was right on the verge of sleep.

“Hmm.” She mumbled, not moving.

He moved his body so one arm was on the other side of her, towering over her.

She turned to her back so she could see him and blinked her eyes open.

“I’m sorry that you can’t go to prom.” He said whispered.

She gave him a small, sleepy smile and patted his cheek. “It’s okay, Bell. I wouldn’t be able to go with who I wanted to anyway.”

“Me?” He smirked playfully.

She gave another sleepy smile. “Mmm, I don’t know. I have a few people in mind.”

“Shut up.” He chuckled, pushing her a little. “Seriously though, you don’t feel like you’re- missing out or something?”

She shrugged. “Maybe, but I mean- what’s missing out on one more thing?”

He hated to hear that. She’d missed out on a lot. She wasn’t even getting to graduate. She’d passed her GED with flying colors, but she didn’t get to celebrate the way everyone else did.

“You shouldn’t have to miss out on anything.” He told her.

“If it means being here, like I am now... _happy_. I’m okay with it, Bell. Maybe I missed out on things, but now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, so I’m okay with it. It’s just a dance.” She assured him. “I’d rather be with you.”

“Well, I mean obviously.” He teased. “Who wouldn’t?”

She laughed and threw her pillow at his face. “Go to sleep.”

“Fine, fine.” He chuckled, laying down and pulling her back close to him. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Bell.”

The next day Clarke went dress shopping with them as promised.

Octavia found a shorter black dress and Niylah decided on the same style but in a pale pink. Raven tried on 11 different dresses and still hadn’t set solidly on one.

She was scouring through the rack and Clarke was helping. Clarke pulled out a floor length maroon strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline.

Raven gasped. “Oh my god, that’s it!”

Clarke laughed and shook her head.

“Maybe try it on first.” Octavia suggested.

“Let’s go!” Raven grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her towards the dressing room.

“Clarke.”

Clarke froze at her name, recognizing the voice. She turned around and took a deep breath. Her mother.

“No.” Raven said immediately, moving forward and pushing Abby back. “Absolutely not. You need to leave.”

“Please, I- I have to talk to you. Clarke, he’s gonna kill me. Your father wants to kill me.” Her mother said desperately.

“He’s not my father anymore. And you’re not my mother.” Clarke said as strongly as she could.

“Clarke, you have to help me.” She continued.

“Like you helped _me_?” Clarke was starting to raise her voice.

Octavia moved to help Raven push Abby back. “Go! Or we’ll call the police. You have a restraining order against you.”

“He’ll kill me and he’ll come for you next!” Abby yelled. “He’s already planning it. He doesn’t care about the restraining order!”

“I’m calling 911.” Niylah said, pulling out her phone.

“No! Wait. I’ll go.” Abby said. “Just- Clarke, help me.” She said one last time before turning around, but Clarke wasn’t listening anymore.

She felt herself slipping. She couldn’t stop it. She’d gone so long without him in her mind and now here he was, taking full control.

She saw Octavia and Raven in front of her, but their voices were distorted. All she could hear was her heartbeat. She tried to take deep breaths but they were too shallow- coming too fast.

Moving backwards, she shoved herself into a dressing room, pushing herself against the far wall inside of it and sliding down.

It was a panic attack. She knew it was, but she couldn’t stop it.

“Clarke!” Octavia tried putting her hands on her face to get her to focus but her eyes were darting everywhere.

“Bellamy...” Clarke managed to get out between breaths.

“Shit.” Raven stood up and pulled out her phone. “Hang on, Clarke. I’ll get him.”

Octavia kneeled down, still in front of Clarke, trying her hardest to get her back to reality.

Murphy and Bellamy were at a diner, eating lunch when Murphy’s phone rang.

“What’s up, babe?” He answered.

“Murphy, you need to get Bellamy here. It’s Clarke.”

“What do you mean?” His voice turned serious.

“Her mom was looking for her and she found us. She was saying all sorts of shit and now she’s freaking out.”

“Clarke or her mom?” Murphy asked urgently.

_“What?”_ Bellamy stood up immediately.

“We gotta go.” Murphy said trying to pull his wallet out with one hand and hold the phone with the other. He held it with his face and shoulder and slapped money down.

Bellamy was already out the door.

“Where are you?” Murphy asked Raven.

“The mall. Murphy, please hurry.”

“We’re on the way.” He hung up as he reached the car and pushed Bellamy away from the drivers door. “Oh, no.” He said. “I remember you driving last time you were trying to get to her. You’re insane if you think you’re driving now.”

“Murphy, give me the keys!” His voice boomed.

“We don’t have time for this, okay?” Murphy argued. “Get in the damn car!”

Bellamy clenched his jaw hard and shoved past him, moving to the passenger seat. “Drive fast.” He ordered. “What the hell happened?”

“Clarke’s mom was there. Raven said she was saying all sorts of shit. She didn’t say what though.”

“God _fucking damnit_.” Bellamy cursed and slammed his fist into the door of the car.

Murphy winced. “You know you need to calm down.” He said carefully. “That’s not gonna help her.”

“So let me fucking get it out now, then!” Bellamy shouted.

“Fine.” He raised a hand in defeat. “Jesus Christ.”

“Can you go any faster?” Bellamy asked angrily.

“Not unless you wanna make a detour to the prison when I’m arrested for reckless driving.” Murphy answered sarcastically.

“What the fuck is wrong with her god damn parents?” Bellamy asked out loud, but clearly didn’t want an answer. “I mean haven’t they fucking done enough? I swear to god I should’ve killed them when I had the chance.”

Murphy stayed quiet, letting him blow off steam. He had approximately 2 minutes to chill out.

When they finally pulled up, he took a deep breath and jumped out. They ran straight to the store they were in and saw Octavia arguing with what looked to be the manager.

Bellamy ran past her to the dressing rooms where he saw Niylah standing and Raven crouched down.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Murphy asked, stopping at Octavia.

“This lady wants to call 911!”

“That girl is having a breakdown in my dressing rooms, and you three can’t get her out! I’m calling 911.” The woman said.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Murphy put his hands out. “You don’t have to do that, okay. Just- just give us a minute. I promise he will get her out.” He gestured to the room where Bellamy was now kneeled down. “Just give us a minute... _please_.”

“Fine. 15 minutes and I’m calling.” She said turning away.

“Fucking bitch.” Octavia called after her.

“_Not_ helpful.” Murphy snapped at her.

In the dressing room, Raven jumped out of the way as Bellamy went to his knees in front of Clarke. “Princess?” He moved his hands to her face. “Hey, listen to me.”

She shook her head and took in an even sharper breath than she already was, on the verge of a sob.

“I’m here, baby. You need to focus on me. Look at me. I’m right here.”

Her eyes were shut tight and she was shaking, hyperventilating.

“Clarke, _now_.” He said more firmly. “Look at me.”

She listened, opening her eyes to look at him.

“There you go.” He praised, his voice softer. “It’s okay. You’re alright.” He said.

Raven stood back, biting her nails nervously.

“Bell- please-“ Clarke choked out between breaths.

“It’s okay. I’m right here, baby. Breathe, okay?” He took an exaggerated breath, trying to get her to copy. He took one of his hands off her face and grabbed her hand, pulling it to his chest and repeating the breath.

She tried to follow, but it was shaky.

“That’s it. I’ve got you, princess. Try again.”

She tried again, a little easier this time. Her hands went to his arms and she grasped on tightly.

“It’s you and me. Just breathe.” He brought his head to hers, and breathed deep, encouraging her to keep going.

Her breathing slowed to a more comfortable level after a few minutes and he kissed her forehead. “You’re okay.” He promised.

“I’m okay.” She whispered back, trying to convince herself.

“I hate to rush this, Bell, but we’ve got about 3 minutes before this crazy manager bitch calls the cops.” Murphy warned, looking over his shoulder.

“Okay. We gotta go, princess. Come here.” He stood her up and wrapped his arm around her tightly.

She moved almost robotically, letting Bellamy lead her. Raven and Murphy followed closely behind, while Niylah and Octavia trailed a little back.

“How’d he do that?” Raven asked Murphy quietly.

Murphy shook his head. “You should’ve seen him about 20 minutes ago. He was a fucking wreck.”

“Now look at him.” Raven whispered. “Solid as a rock.”

“He always is when she needs him.” He whispered back. “Freaks out on his own time- stays steady for her.”

“I think you’re forgetting how it was when his mom died.” Raven said.

“She’s steady for him too. When she needs to be.” He agreed.

Bellamy led her straight to Murphy’s car and Murphy threw him the keys.

“I’ll ride back with the girls.” Murphy told him.

Bellamy nodded and helped Clarke in the car. He took a deep breath after he shut her door. Murphy nodded at the girls to go to the other car and lagged behind a minute.

“Are you good?” He asked Bellamy.

“Yeah.” He said, voice rough. “Just resisting the urge to murder.”

“Well, do me a favor and keep resisting, huh?”

“No promises.” He said, running a hand down his beard.

Murphy sighed. “Be careful. I’ll see you at the house.”

“Okay.” He sighed in response.

When Bellamy got in the car, Clarke was just looking forward out the windshield, face blank.

He ached to hold her, to ask her what happened, but he needed to get her home. And unfortunately, it was a 30 minute drive. He reached his hand over and put it on her thigh. Her hands went straight to his, holding it tightly, but her face stayed blank. He managed to shave the drive down to 23 minutes, pulling up to the house well before Murphy and the girls.

The weather was still freezing. Left over snow and ice still covered the ground.

“I wish it wasn’t cold anymore.” She whispered.

He sighed and nodded. “Lets go inside, okay. We’ll warm you up.”

She nodded, but didn’t move, so he got out and went to her side, helping her out.

They went straight upstairs and she took off her clothes, stripping down to her underwear. He pulled one of his sweatshirts out for her and helped her pull it on.

She slipped into bed, pulling the covers up to her chin and River pressed against her side, curling up next to her. He heard the door downstairs open, Murphy and the girls coming in.

“I thought it was under control.” She whispered. “I thought I was okay.”

He sat down next to her on the bed and brushed the hair from her face. “You _are_ okay.” He said confidently. “Just because something made you slip, doesn’t mean you fell for good.”

“She said that he wants to kill her.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Your mom?”

She nodded. “Then he’ll kill me too.” She said shakily.

“The fuck he will.” Bellamy said firmly.

“If he tries-“

“I’ll kill him.” He cut her off. _“Clarke, I will kill him.”_ He said slowly, putting emphasis on every word.

She sniffed and bit her lip. “I hadn’t thought about him in so long, it was almost like it didn’t happen. Like I forgot... Then I- I heard her voice and it all rushed back into my head like- it was all I could see. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t _breathe_.”

Tears slipped from her eyes and he moved behind her, pulling her close to him. He kissed the back of her head and nestled his face into her hair.

“I thought I was doing so good.” Her voice cracked.

She cried and he just held her. That was what she needed and he knew it. She needed to get it out, so she could get past it.

“She asked me to help her.” She said through tears. “How can she ask me that? How does she have the guts to ask me that after everything she did? And everything she _didn’t do_.”

He wasn’t meant to answer, so he just ran his hands down her body, trying to soothe her.

“I hate her.” She cried.

“I know, princess.” He said gently.

She shook her head and grabbed his arm, pulling it to her chest. “And it scared me.” She admitted.

“I know it did. But she’s gone now, baby.”

She was beating herself up for it, but there was no need. She’d been doing amazing, but today, her mom had triggered her- triggered terrible, overwhelming memories. That wasn’t her fault.

“Clarke, listen to me.” He started, voice deep. “You have been doing _so good_. You’ve beenso strong and when my mom died... I slipped and you were there. Now I’m right here. Same way, okay? She triggered you. And we’ll work through how to deal with it together.”

He wanted to tell her that she hadn’t even mentioned cutting, but if it wasn’t in her mind, he didn’t want to put it there.

She took a shaky breath and sniffed, but nodded, trying to scoot closer to him.

As if she’d read his mind, her eyes went to her wrists that were barely visible due to the sweatshirt. She pulled the sleeve up, looking at the scars there.

He lifted his arm, and moved it forward to her wrist, gently brushing his thumb over the scars.

“I hate these.” Her voice was still thick with emotion.

“_I_ don’t.” Bellamy said confidently and she looked back at him in confusion. “It reminds me how strong you are. How far you’ve come to get where you’re at... What you overcame. There’s no reason to be ashamed of that.”

She swallowed and nodded in understanding, another single tear falling.

“Clarke, I am _so_ fucking proud of you.” He said, awe in his voice.

“You shouldn’t be.” She said shakily.

“Don’t start that.” His voice was gentle, and he brushed her hair back again, taking his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I’ve got every reason to be proud of you. You know that... Plus, I don’t see another scar added from today, do you?” He asked, referring to her wrist.

She shook her head. “It- it didn’t even come to my mind... I don’t know why.”

“Because you’re getting stronger everyday. You’re getting better. You had a panic attack, because you’re mom cornered you. She tried to scare you and it worked, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not better. You can take care of yourself. You can fight now, you can shoot. She caught you off guard, but now you’re ready. You’re okay.”

She closed her eyes and nodded. “I’m okay.” She said mainly to herself.

“You’re okay.” He repeated, kissing her head. “Just try to sleep some, okay, princess?”

She shifted a little, getting comfortable, but it didn’t take her long at all to fall asleep. She had been in that dressing room, her whole body shaking, not getting enough oxygen for too long. Her body was worn out and so was her mind.

He wanted to just stay in bed with her, but he knew they were all downstairs, waiting to hear if she was alright. So he slipped out of the bed and headed down, River staying right next to her.

Raven shot off the couch as soon as she saw him, and Octavia sat up straighter.

“Is she okay?” Raven asked quickly.

“She’s sleeping.” He said simply.

“Right, but is she _okay_?” Octavia asked.

“She’s fine. It just- it sent her into a panic attack. I’m calling the cops and telling them about what happened.” He said, voice even and low.

“You should. She can’t be coming around like that. _Saying_ shit like that.” Murphy said firmly.

“What if he actually is going to kill her mom?” Octavia asked hesitantly.

“Well then maybe she should’ve thought about that before letting him back in the house. Or _maybe_ when she was helping him beat Clarke. Maybe _that_ should’ve been her warning.” Bellamy said venomously.

Octavia slumped back on the couch. He was right.

“Why would she come to Clarke?” Raven asked, sounding confused. “She can’t do anything about it. What’s the point?”

“There wasn’t one.” Bellamy said angrily. “All she wanted to fucking do was get in Clarke’s head, scare her. She got exactly what she wanted.”

“We couldn’t get her away in time.” Raven said sadly.

Bellamy took a breath, calming himself a little, hearing Raven distraught. “This isn’t anyone’s fault but Abby’s. You guys did what you could.”

“Which wasn’t much, apparently.” Raven shook her head, mad at herself. “We couldn’t calm her down and we couldn’t get her out of there either.”

“You did everything right.” Bellamy tried to comfort. “You got Abby to leave, you did what you could to calm her down, you got me, got that manager to not call the cops.”

“That part was Murphy.” Octavia said.

“And if you hadn’t have been so close, she for sure would’ve called them.” Raven said. “Then we’d be in an entirely different situation.”

“But I _was_ close.” Bellamy said. “So don’t let it get to you. Any of you. You guys did what you could. I mean that. Don’t feel bad about it.”

“Too late.” Raven sat back on the couch.

“Seriously, guys.” Murphy said. “You couldn’t have done anything different.”

“We just wanna be able to help her.” Octavia shrugged.

“You did.” Bellamy said firmly. “She knew you were there. It could’ve been so much worse if you hadn’t been. Trust me.”

They were all quiet for a minute. They wanted to ask something, he could tell.

“What if...” Octavia started. “What if her mom was telling the truth? What if he wants to kill Clarke?”

Bellamy sat on the coffee table and shook his head. He didn’t want to scare them, but he wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to without doing just that.

“If her dad steps foot on this property, he’s a dead man.” Murphy said when Bellamy didn’t answer.

“What, you’re gonna kill him?” Octavia asked.

“You got a better idea?”

“Jesus. You guys can’t just kill him for walking onto our property.” Octavia raised her voice.

“We can, actually.” Bellamy said calmly. “If he poses a threat, if we tell him to leave and he doesn’t...” he shrugged. “We have a right to shoot. Self defense.”

“Killing can’t be the answer.” Niylah tried to reason.

“Well, like Murphy said, if any of you have a better idea...” Bellamy looked expectantly at them, but they all looked down. “That’s what I thought.”

“In the meantime, Clarke shouldn’t be alone.” Murphy said. “It’s not safe _if_ he is gonna come after her.”

Bellamy nodded, but sighed, running his hands through his hair and clenching his jaw. That was going to be a lot harder soon, with Octavia on the verge of leaving for college, plus she had now planned this massive summer trip with Niylah and her parents.

“Hey,” Murphy leaned forward, getting his attention. “We’re not going anywhere.” He was referring to him and Raven. “We’ll work it all out. It’s okay.”

Bellamy simply nodded again. “I know. Thanks.”

He stood up and walked to the kitchen, Murphy following.

“She’s okay.” Murphy told him.

“She _really_ has been doing good. She’s more confident, she’s been happy, she hasn’t been scared to be on her own... I don’t want this to fuck all of the progress she’s made up.”

“It won’t.” Murphy said confidently. “Look, you’ve told me how strong she is and you’re right.”

“I should’ve killed him.” Bellamy said. “That night before her emancipation, I should’ve just fucking killed him.”

“Well, he left that night. You can’t shoot a man in his back, even if he is on your property.” Murphy said. “Not legally anyway... look, I know you’re worked up and you’re angry. Why don’t you just head to the gym, get a little of it out?”

“I don’t want to leave her.” He shook his head. “I’ll be fine. I just- I just need a little time.”

“Alright. Well, listen, I’ll take the girls, okay?” Murphy suggested. “Bring them back tomorrow, give you guys some space.”

Bellamy sighed a little in relief. Not that he didn’t want anyone here, but... it’d just be easier if they weren’t right now. “Yeah. Thanks, Murphy.”

“We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya.” Bellamy said.

Once they were all gone, he ran a hand through his hair and swallowed hard.

Seeing her like that had scared him. He always tried not to think about what it felt like when he had to see her falling apart like that, or panicking- always tried to push it to the back of his mind, but every time it happened, it hit him like a ton of bricks, like the pressure on his chest was going to be enough to kill him.

Every time it scared the hell out of him, because what if this time he couldn’t stop it? Or what if one time it was too late?

He shook his head clear of that thought. The only reason she’d panicked today was her mom. She really was better. This was just a set back, and he wasn’t going to let it happen again.

He called the police to report what happened, then made his way back upstairs to wrap himself around Clarke and tell himself it would all be okay.


	28. ~ Happier ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lighter chapter for you guys. Some serious fluff. Thank you guys for all your sweet comments and those of you who left kudos.

Bellamy laid with Clarke until late afternoon, when she finally shifted a little, stretching to wake up.

The sun lit the room in a golden color, giving the illusion that the snow outside didn’t exist. That it was as warm out there as it was in here.

When she was a little more awake. She shifted slowly and Bellamy lifted his arm so she could turn towards him.

Her face was soft. It didn’t look troubled or scared anymore. He lifted his hand to her face, letting his thumb brush her cheek, and she closed her eyes, leaning into it.

“I scared them, huh?” She asked quietly, referring to the girls.

He nodded. “Yeah. But they scare easy.” He smirked a little.

She snorted and let out a half smile. “So it didn’t scare you?”

“Well, I didn’t say that I _don’t_ scare easy.” He continued to smile softly, trying to keep her mood light.

She laughed a little and shook her head.

“You okay?” He asked softly.

She nodded. “Yeah, I... I guess I was just disappointed in myself.”

“It hit you out of nowhere and it was overwhelming.” He defended her.

“I don’t wanna live in fear. I’m not gonna let them do that to me.” She said confidently.

“I know you won’t, princess. You’re stronger than that.” He let his fingers run back and forth against her head.

“I can protect myself now. You taught me that. It was like, in the moment... I forgot that. Maybe because I hadn’t thought about him in so long, but I’m not going to let it sneak up on me again.”

He smiled at her confidence, how she spoke so full of fire. She was going to stand up for herself and she damn well should.

“They’ll have to get through me first.” He told her.

“You can’t always be there, Bell. Just like today.” She said a little sadly.

He sighed and nodded. “Yeah, but...” he tried to choose his words wisely, not wanting to upset her or make it seem like she couldn’t take care of herself. “Murphy and I were talking... we think, maybe someone should always be near you. Just to be safe.”

She watched him closely, but her expression stayed relatively blank.

“Not that I don’t think you’d be okay on your own.” He continued. “I just- I want you to be safe and I want-“ he sighed and shook his head. “I don’t wanna lose you because I didn’t protect you. Or because you were alone and no one was there to help you.” He was starting to talk fast. “But I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to control you or- or babysit you, I just-“

“Bell,” she cut him off, putting her hand on the side of his face and giving him a small smile. “It’s okay. I get it.”

His face turned relieved and he let out a breath. “Thank god.” He whispered.

She laughed at him lightly. “I want to be able take care of myself, but I also wanna be smart.”

“And I could be doing this for nothing.” He said. “I could just be a paranoid, overprotective lunatic, but I can’t help it.”

“I know.” She kissed him gently. “Thank you for getting there so quickly.”

“You’re welcome, princess.”

“I love you.” She kissed him again.

He smiled, glad that she was in better spirits and thinking more clearly. “I love you too.”

They did what they said. Clarke always had someone near her- never at the house alone, just in case. No one seemed to mind, even Clarke.

The girls decided to buy their prom dresses online, not wanting to go back to another store, especially the one with that manager.

The weekend before prom, Raven came over, because Bellamy had a shift at the bar with Murphy and Clarke was off. Raven was laid out across Bellamy and Clarke’s bed, looking at the ceiling and Clarke sat next to her, reading a book with River sleeping next to her.

“You know,” Raven started. “I don’t think I wanna go to prom.”

“What?” Clarke asked, surprised. “Of course you do. You bought your dress and everything. You can’t just not go.”

“I know, but... you aren’t gonna be there. Murphy’s not gonna be there.” Raven shrugged.

“And you’ll still have tons of fun.” Clarke argued. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m not worried.” She said. “That’s Bellamys job.”

Clarke snorted and rolled her eyes.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be there.” Raven continued.

“Octavia and Niylah will be there.” Clarke pointed out.

“Great. So I’ll be the third wheel. Thanks.” Raven said sarcastically.

Raven popped up like she had an idea.

“What?” Clarke asked.

“Nothing.” Raven smiled.

Clarke’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not a nothing face.”

“It is.” Raven argued. “I’m gonna go call Murphy!” She said jumping off the bed.

“For what?” Clarke called after her. “Raven!” She sighed when she was met with silence.

The rest of the night, Raven wore a huge grin, but refused to tell Clarke anything.

When the guys finally got home, Raven and Murphy took off, leaving her and Bellamy.

Bellamy took a quick shower, then slipped into bed with Clarke.

“It was a tough night.” He mumbled into her hair.

She just turned to him and kissed him deep. “A little better now?” She asked.

He smirked and shrugged. “Maybe a little.”

She shoved him lightly, giggling. “Raven’s up to something.” She told him.

“Oh, yeah?” He tried to sound surprised, but it must not have worked, because she backed up and looked at him.

“And _so are you_.” She accused.

_“What?_ I am not.” He defended himself.

“Oh, you are. What is it?” She asked.

“I can’t tell you.” He admitted sheepishly.

“Bell...” She complained.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “You’re not getting it out of me. It’s a surprise.”

She made a face and huffed at him, turning her back to him, but snuggling up to him at the same time.

He chuckled at her and kissed the back of her head. “Night, princess.”

When prom night came, Bellamy was trying to convince Clarke to get out of the house.

Raven, and Niylah were over getting ready with Octavia, and Murphy was over to spend some time with Raven.

“Come on,” Bellamy tried. “Let’s go do something. Even just dinner if you want.” He told Clarke. “I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

“I don’t need to go anywhere nice, Bell. It’s okay.”

“But don’t you _want_ to go somewhere nice?” He asked.

“Let her help us get ready, Bell.” Octavia said, applying makeup.

He shot her a glare, but she didn’t catch it. “Clarke, come on.” He tried again.

She grinned at his persistence. “You really wanna go somewhere?”

“Yes!” He said dramatically. “And I’m starving. Can we _please_ go?”

She laughed and stood up. “Alright. Let me get dressed.” She stopped and turned around to point at him. “But we’re getting hibachi.” She said firmly.

He chuckled and nodded. “Deal.”

He needed to keep her out of the house for a good two hours, and hibachi was a good 30 minutes away, so that was good.

Once they ate, they walked around the town a little while. It wasn’t deathly cold anymore, but snow still covered everything. It just wasn’t as miserable and luckily, it would all melt soon.

“Thanks, Bell.” She smiled up at him as they walked. She had her arm looped around his, leaving close to him.

He smiled back at her, but furrowed his brows. “What for?”

“For dinner. For tonight.” She shrugged. “I know you’re still trying to make sure I can have a good time.”

“I always want you to have a good time.” He stopped walking and pulled her against him.

“Don’t be cheesy.” She giggled and pushed at him half heartedly.

“Hey, just appreciate my love.” He chuckled.

“I do.” She said more seriously, but still smiling. “You’re amazing.”

He smirked and put a cocky look on his face. “Now who’s being cheesy?”

She hit his chest playfully and shook her head, looping her arm back around his to start walking again.

He drove home at a steady pace, and when he was about 5 minutes away, his phone went off, which meant they were all clear. He grinned over at her and she smiled back.

“You’re in a good mood.” She said.

“I am.” He nodded. “Because I’ve had a great night. And I think it’s gonna get even better.”

“Is that some kind of sex hint?” She teased.

“Maybe.” He grinned.

He pulled up to the house and got out of the truck, holding his hand out for her to take.

When he opened the door, he stepped to the side to let her walk in first and he heard her gasp. He stepped in behind her and even though he knew what was happening, his mouth dropped open a bit.

The main lights to the house were off, but it was dimly lit by strings of warm, sparkling lights everywhere. There were sheer curtains blocking off the kitchen and more strings of lights behind them, making it look like they were glowing.

The couch was pushed far back against the wall and there was a small table against the other side of the room, lined with drinks. A few lanterns with candles inside sat on each side of the table and there was soft music playing from the speakers.

“Bell...” she whispered in awe.

He watched her face as she looked around the room and he smiled softly at her, walking up and wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“Welcome to prom.” He said softly.

Raven and Murphy appeared at the top of the stairs, Raven dressed in a beautiful maroon dress with her hair up in a curled ponytail and Murphy wearing jeans with a button up shirt.

“Told you I didn’t wanna have prom without you.” Raven smiled.

“You guys did all of this?” She asked amazed.

“We did.” Murphy smirked. “Last time I’ll ever be caught decorating.”

Clarke laughed and pulled them into a hug as they reached the bottom of the stairs.

“I didn’t mean to overdress.” Raven said. “But I bought this and couldn’t let it go to waste.” She said pulling back.

Clarke smiled. “You look beautiful.”

Bellamy helped her take off her jacket, then shrugged his own off.

Murphy walked to the table where the drinks were. “I got explicit permission from Mr. overprotective here to serve up some delicious cocktails.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes.

“Nothing hardcore of course.” Murphy continued. “But I’ll be the one mixing. I’ve had some customers tell me that Bellamy shorts them.” He whispered the last part, trying to be funny.

“Is that why I get better tips than you?” Bellamy shot back.

“Nooo.” Murphy drew out. “That’s because you’re better looking.” He said dryly.

“I won’t argue there.” Bellamy clapped Murphy’s shoulder and Murphy glared at him, handing Clarke her drink.

“Wait! Wait!” Raven said taking it from her. “Come here.” She took her hand and excitedly pulled her up the stairs.

“What’s that about?” Bellamy asked.

Murphy smirked and shrugged, tipping his own drink back.

15 minutes later, Raven came down the stairs, Clarke following behind.

“Well,” Raven complained. “I couldn’t get her to put on a dress. But I curled her hair so, here’s your princess.” She told Bellamy.

He beamed at her, pulling her to him. “No dancing gown?” He teased her.

“Just some leggings and this oversized shirt of yours.” She grinned up at him.

She’d put on one of his button up shirts over her tank top, left unbuttoned and her hair was curled and tousled. He didn’t think she could be anymore perfect than she was right now.

“You’re beautiful.” He said softly. “Kinda makes me horny.” He whispered in her ear.

“Now you know what happened last time we had sex down here, don’t you?” She asked.

“Octavia caught you guys.” Raven chirped in.

“Okay,” Bellamy started defensively. “She did not ‘catch’ us. We were finished.”

“Whatever you say.” Raven laughed.

Murphy pulled Raven under his arm and handed her a glass. “Well, now that we’re all here, let’s get this party started.”

Raven and Clarke danced together for a while, then they danced with the guys. At one point, Raven grabbed River’s front paws and danced with him too.

A couple hours later, after the drinks were gone, the best songs had been played and the guys had passed out, Clarke and Raven pulled out blankets and pillows and placed them in front of the fireplace, just like they had Christmas night.

“I knew this was gonna be better than prom at the school.” Raven smiled.

“_Anything_ would’ve been better than prom at the school.” Clarke tried to say seriously. “But you’re right... This is pretty great.” She smiled back. “Thanks for doing all this.”

“You shouldn’t have to miss out.” Raven said sobering up a bit, but still a soft smile on her face. “It’s really good to see you this happy.”

“I’m happier than I ever knew I could be.” Clarke admitted. “I guess I just didn’t have it for so long, I never thought I would.”

“I’m sorry.” Raven said softly. “I knew that it was bad with your dad, but I... I didn’t know it was that bad. And I should’ve pushed harder, should’ve made sure that you were okay... I should’ve seen it.”

“I didn’t want anyone to see it.” Clarke tried to reassure her. “I didn’t even really want Bellamy to see it. I didn’t want to put all of that on him, but no matter how hard I tried to fight it... I was just pulled harder to him.”

“He loves you so much, it’s ridiculous.” Raven smiled.

A smile immediately came back to Clarke’s face. “He does. And I just... never thought I’d have that... never thought that I could love someone so completely. Or _trust_ someone so completely.”

Raven leaned back in the pillows they had down on the ground, and pulled Clarke back with her, her head resting on Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke brought her head to rest on Ravens.

“You seem happy with Murphy too.” Clarke said softly.

She felt Raven nod against her. “I am. He’s a sarcastic asshole half the time.” She laughed. “But we fit.”

Clarke heard the smile in her voice. She looked up from their spot in front of the fire, looking at Bellamy and Murphy. They had passed out next to each other on the couch, both of them sleeping with their heads leaned back.

“Should we wake them up to come down here?” Clarke asked.

Raven popped her head up to look at them, then laid it back down. “Nah, they’ll wake up and climb down here eventually.”

Clarke nodded and looked back to the fire. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you.” She said quietly. “About my dad. And I’m sorry for all the drama and shit that I caused- that I _still_ sometimes cause.”

“It’s okay.” Raven said just as quietly. “I get why you didn’t. And you don’t have to be sorry about the drama. I’m just really glad you have Bellamy... that he helps you.”

“I love you too. You know that right?” Clarke asked.

“I know.” Raven whispered. “Just promise me if it ever gets to be too much... if you need more help, that you’ll let me know.”

Clarke nodded against her head. “I promise.”

“I could stay like this forever.” Raven continued softly. “It feels like it’s just us... stashed away in a little safe haven.”

Clarke smiled. “On Christmas night, I drunkenly asked Bellamy if we could stay that way forever. All of us, just... together and safe. Warm and piled up in blankets by the fireplace. It felt perfect.”

“It _was_ perfect.” Raven agreed. “Just like tonight.”

“Exactly like tonight.” She felt so lucky to have this many people she loved.

She looked up as someone shifted on the couch. Bellamy stretched and slowly woke up enough to realize the girls were on the floor. He slipped his shirt off and slid to the floor next to Clarke, letting his head rest on the shoulder that Raven wasn’t on. He kicked his foot at Murphy, who jerked awake.

“It wasn’t me.” He sleepily muttered.

Raven rolled her eyes and popped her head up at him. “Shut up and get down here, you clown.”

He did so quickly, wanting to fall back asleep already, coming to Raven’s side.

They all settled in and Clarke squeezed Bellamy’s hand. “I love you guys.” She said.

Bellamy sleepily kissed her cheek in response and Raven pressed her head harder against her briefly. “We love you too.”

“We all love each other.” Murphy mumbled into a pillow. “Now lets all go to sleep.”

Clarke and Raven both giggled and Clarke shifted further into the blankets, letting herself fall asleep surrounded by people she loved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little girl talk and fluff. Enjoy your weekend lovelies 😘


	29. ~ Landslide ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looong chapter. Hopefully this holds you guys till the weekend. I only have 4 more chapters fully written. I know the route I wanna take, I’ve just got to force myself to write it out.
> 
> The song used in this chapter is inspired by Chase and Sierra Eagleson’s cover of Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. It’s really a beautiful cover and you guys should listen!

By the time late spring rolled around, Clarke was hired on at the animal shelter part time, instead of just volunteering and still working with Bellamy some nights at the bar.

Graduation was finally here for the girls. Octavia and Niylah would leave for the summer, and as soon as they got back, it would be off to college.

“I can’t believe you guys graduate tomorrow.” Clarke told them as they sat around the dinner table.

“Yeah and then Octavia and Niylah are leaving us.” Raven light heartedly complained.

“Not forever.” Octavia defended. “We’ll be back for like a week.”

“And then you’ll leave us again.” Clarke teased. “For _four years_.”

“Shut up.” Octavia said. “You guys don’t need us anyway.”

“True.” Murphy said. “We are completely self sufficient, the four of us.”

“The three of us.” Bellamy corrected. “I’m not so sure how self sufficient you really are, Murphy.” He teased.

“Ha.” He laughed dryly. “I wish I had your humor.”

“Alright you two, enough.” Raven rolled her eyes. “You’re ruining dinner with your bickering.”

“Bickering?” Bellamy blinked. “And you call _me_ old?”

Raven glared at him. “Ruining dinner.” She repeated.

He raised in hands mockingly and went back to his food.

One hour later, they were all in the living room, enjoying being together for what would be the last time for a while. Octavia and Niylah were leaving as soon as the ceremony was over tomorrow.

“Hey, play us a song, Bell.” Octavia said excitedly.

He smiled and let out a playful sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, Bell.” Clarke nudged. “Let’s hear it.”

He groaned and threw his head back, before looking at her. “I’ll play, if you sing.”

She made a face and then relented. “Fine.”

He smiled and went to grab his guitar.

When he came back down, he handed Murphy a banjo.

“Aw come on, man.” He complained. “What the hell am I gonna play on this?”

“Shut up.” Bellamy said. “I’ll start and you guys jump in.”

He started playing a tune that wasn’t quite recognizable, until he faded into the melody.

Clarke smiled and Murphy nodded. Murphy started playing in time with Bellamy, the guitar and banjo blending together perfectly.

_ “I took my love, I took it down _

_ Climbed a mountain and I turned around _

_ And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills _

_ Well the landslide brought me down” _

Bellamy let his voice softly harmonize with hers.

_ “Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? _

_ Can the child within my heart rise above? _

_ Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? _

_ Can I handle the seasons of my life? _

_ Mmm _

_ I don’t know _

_ Well, I've been 'fraid of changin' _

_ 'Cause I've built my life around you _

_ But time makes you bolder _

_ Even children get older _

_ And I'm gettin' older, too _

_ Yes I’m getting older, too _

_ Well, I've been 'fraid of changin' _

_ 'Cause I, I've built my life around you” _

Bellamy looked over as her voice cracked, making sure she was okay.

She’d built her life around her dad. Tiptoeing around him, trying not to make him angry. To live exactly how he dictated. Now she’s grown into someone completely different. Into someone with confidence, who believes in herself.

_ “But time makes you bolder _

_ Even children get older _

_ And I'm gettin' older, too _

_ Yes I'm gettin' older, too _

_ So, take this love, and take it down _

_ Mmm, if you climb a mountain and you turn around _

_ And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills _

_ Well, the landslide brought me down _

_ And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills _

_ Well maybe, the landslide will bring you down _

_ Well, the landslide will bring you down, down _

_ Well the landslide will bring you down _

_ Well, well, the landslide will bring you down.” _

Everyone clapped once Bellamy’s melody on the guitar stopped.

“Jesus,” Murphy said. “You can really sing, you know that?” He asked Clarke.

“It was one of the things that kept me partially sane when I was with my parents.” She shrugged a little. “You’re not too bad on the banjo, huh?” She smiled.

He had to try not to roll his eyes. “That was a bet I lost to Bellamy back in the day. Had to learn to play the fucking banjo.”

“What the hell kind of bet is that?” Raven laughed.

“The kind he lost.” Bellamy said.

“Now it’s just one of my many hidden talents.” Murphy bragged. “Don’t be jealous.”

“Oh, we’re not.” Octavia deadpanned and Murphy flipped her off.

The night went on and they ended up piled on the living room floor in a nest of blankets, like they had before. Raven, Octavia and Niylah were out pretty quickly, wanting to get enough sleep for the long day ahead of them tomorrow, and Bellamy passed out not long after them, leaving only Murphy and Clarke awake.

Clarke’s gaze was on the dying fire in the fireplace, her head resting on Bellamy’s shoulder. Murphy and Raven were across from them, Raven mirrored her position, their feet tangled together.

She was happy the girls were graduating, happy that Raven wasn’t leaving town. She wasn’t happy about the idea of going to the school tomorrow. She’d have Bellamy there, she knew that. She just knew she’d have to see some people she’d rather never see again.

“You alright, kid?” Murphy’s voice shook her from her thoughts.

That always felt like a tricky question. She was feeling alright more days then she wasn’t now. _Most days_ actually, which was more than she could’ve ever hoped for, but she shrugged a little.

“I’m okay, I guess.” She answered.

He kicked his foot at hers. “Come on.” He pushed. “Fess up. What’s going on in that blonde head of yours?”

She shrugged again. “I’m not really looking forward to being back at that school.” She confessed. “I want to go and I want to be there for them. I just...”

“Don’t wanna see all the assholes?” Murphy offered.

She huffed a small laugh and nodded. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

“Don’t worry worry about them.” He comforted. “Bellamy and I will scare ‘em off.”

“I know you guys will.” She smiled softly. “I just wish you didn’t have to.” She added a little sadly.

He sighed and sat up carefully, laying Raven’s head down on the pillow behind him. “Don’t let them bother you. You’re better than those kids... You know you’ve come a really long way.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’ve come far enough.” She admitted. “Other times... it’s like I can’t believe I could be here and be this happy. Like I’m scared that I’ll wake up and find out it was all just a dream... that I’ll be back with my dad again.”

“Want me to pinch you?” He asked with a smirk.

It made her laugh a little. “No, thanks. I’ll pass.”

“Well, I promise it’s not a dream.” Murphy sobered up a little. “If It was, I’m pretty sure you’d be somewhere better than this.”

“No.” She shook her head. “It’s perfect here.” She said softly. “I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.”

He nodded and gave a small smirk.

“Thanks, Murphy.” She said. “For everything you guys have done for me.”

“Don’t get emotional on me.” Murphy sat back. “It’s just what family does, alright. And you guys are family.”

“Aw, you’re getting emotional too.” She teased, kicking her foot at him.

“Shut up.” He said without any real heat. “Go to sleep. You’ve gotta be ready to show those little fucks how great you’re doing tomorrow.”

She smiled again and settled into the blankets. “Night, Murphy.”

Turns out, she’d been worried for no reason. Murphy had been right. The kids didn’t even glance at her for too long with them by her side. She was glad she could be there and cheer for them, celebrate with them.

When it ended, they met up with the girls and Bellamy gave Octavia a crushing hug. She returned it just as forcefully.

Everybody stepped a few paces away, giving the two of them their moment.

“You gonna be okay without me, big brother?” She asked pulling back.

“A year ago, I wouldn’t have been so sure.” He admitted, looking over to see Clarke, Raven and Murphy all laughing at something. “Now, I think I can hang in there.”

She smiled broadly at him. “Don’t get married or anything while I’m gone.” She half teased and he shrugged at her with a smile.

“No promises.” He said.

She smacked him on the arm, mouth open.

“What?” He laughed. “Relax, we won’t get married while you’re gone... engaged maybe.” He smirked with a wink.

“You’re so annoying.” She laughed, but sobered up. “I’m gonna miss you guys.” She said. “I’m gonna miss _all of you_.” She said louder, getting everyone’s attention.

They came back over and she pulled them all in for a group hug and took a deep breath when she pulled back. “We’ll see you guys at the end of the summer. Don’t have to much fun without us.”

She kissed everyone on the cheek and just like that, she was running off to the car. She never had been one for big goodbyes.

Bellamy pulled Clarke into his side and watched as Octavia ran off.

“You okay?” Clarke asked.

Her smiled down at her and nodded. “I’m glad she can have this. A while ago I never thought it’d be possible. Now she gets to live the life she deserves.”

She smiled back at him and nodded. “Let’s go home.”  
  


•   
  


Murphy and Raven ended up moving in with them. Murphy was tired of paying rent for such a big house and Raven didn’t want to live with her parents for the summer. It was easier to be together anyway.

They’d kept up with the whole ‘Clarke never gets left alone’ rule. As time went on, it seemed less important, but they kept at it nevertheless. They were usually always together anyway and no one seemed to have an issue with it.

Most of their summer was spent with their regular gym sessions and since the weather was nice, they went hiking with River almost every weekend. It was nice finally not having to worry about anything so heavy.

Right before the beginning of the school year, Raven had gone for orientation at the college, Bellamy was at work, but Clarke and Murphy were off, both of them at the house.

Clarke was folding laundry on the couch while Murphy played video games beside her.

“You could help me you know?” Clarke commented. “Make yourself useful. Some of this is yours.”

“I could.” He responded, not moving his eyes from the screen. “But then what kind of image would that give me?”

“The helpful kind.” She said dryly.

She looked down at the table as her phone rang and her heart dropped. “Murphy.” She pressed his name out.

He looked down immediately, hearing her tone.

An unknown number.

She took a deep breath and tried to slow her heart down. She hadn’t seen an unknown number since her dad had called and she’d agreed with Bellamy, no more answering unknown numbers.

For some reason, this one was itching at her.

“I have to answer it.” She picked up the phone and Murphy snatched it out of her hand.

“Are you _insane_?” He asked her. “You remember last time you answered one of these calls?”

“Murphy, please- I- I feel like I need to answer.” Her eyes pleaded with him.

He sighed and answered it himself, ready to tell off whoever was on the other end. “What?”

“Uh,” A confused voice came over the phone. “I’m sorry, I meant to call Clarke Griffin.”

“Who’s this?” He asked, still sounding angry.

“I’m a paramedic.” The man said. “This number is the first one on the emergency contact list for Bellamy Blake.”

“What?”

Clarke heard his tone change and he shot up off the couch.

“What happened?” Murphy asked, now sounding a little frantic.

He was already up throwing on his shoes and Clarke did the same, not sure what was happening, but knowing it couldn’t be good.

She had a bad feeling, listening intently to Murphy, wishing she could hear the other end of the conversation.

“Is he okay? Where is he?” She heard Murphy ask. “What the fuck do you mean you can’t tell me?”

They were in the car now and Murphy slammed his foot down on the gas pedal.

He hung up and tossed the phone into Clarke’s lap.

“Murphy, what the hell is happening?” She asked him.

He took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to freak out, okay?”

“It’s too late for that!” She said, raising her voice. “Especially considering you don’t seem so calm yourself.”

He tried to take a calming breath. She was right. He needed to keep it together.

“Bellamy was in a car accident. Someone hit his truck and... and it flipped.”

Her heart stopped beating and she couldn’t breathe for a few seconds, or her body forgot to, she wasn’t sure which. She felt herself start to shake and she finally sucked in a sharp breath.

“Clarke, stay calm, okay?” He tried, even though his voice was shaking.

“What- what did they say? Where is he? Is he okay?”

“They couldn’t tell me much. It was a paramedic who said that they were taking him to the hospital. He couldn’t tell me if he was okay because he wasn’t aware of his current condition, but he was stable when the other ambulance took him.”

“Oh my god.” She took in another sharp breath.

“Hey, he was stable, alright. Just breathe.” Murphy tried to say as calmly as possible.

“Murphy, if- if anything happens to him, I won’t-“

“Clarke, _stop_. He’s gonna be fine, okay?”

“I don’t feel like I can breathe.” She admitted through shallow breaths. ”Murphy.” She said his name as more of a warning. She was about to lose it.

“You can.” He told her firmly. “Deep breaths. Just like he’d tell you to, Clarke. In and out.”

“I can’t...” she tried to push down her tears, but they were close to the surface.

“Yes, you can. You know he wouldn’t want you to freak out, Clarke. Breathe. We’re going to the hospital and we’re gonna see him. He’s gonna be fine.” He was starting to feel more confident as he spoke. “This is Bellamy fucking Blake we’re talking about. He’s been through hell and back, and he is not about to die and trust _me_ to take care of you.”

She took a breath, this time deeper, calming down a bit.

“That’s better.” He told her. “The truck is strong. It probably absorbed most of the hit.”

God, he hoped he wasn’t filling her head with false information.

She nodded, and kept trying to breath deeply, not trusting herself to talk.

The ride to the hospital felt like it took forever. She thought she’d gotten herself under control, but when they pulled up to the hospital doors, she jumped out before Murphy had even stopped the car.

“Fuck, Clarke! Would you slow down?” Murphy called.

He ran to catch up to her. She’d already made it to the nurses station. “I need to find Bellamy Blake.” She said quickly.

“Okay, one moment.” The nurse said tapping away at the keyboard. “It looks like they’ve moved him to a private room and out of the ER.” She said. “But I’m afraid it’s only immediate family allowed to see him at the time.”

“I’m his wife.”

“I’m his brother.”

Clarke and Murphy both spoke at the same time. The nurse eyed them carefully, her gaze holding on Clarke.

“You seem a bit young to be married.” The nurse commented.

“And you seem a bit young to be so judgmental.” Clarke fired back. “Doesn’t that hit more in the older years?”

The nurses mouth opened, but she didn’t respond.

“Where is my husband?” She demanded.

The nurse set her jaw and sighed. “He’s in room 102.” She said.

Clarke was gone before the number was completely out of the nurses mouth, Murphy close behind her.

“Damn, Clarke.” Murphy said approvingly. “Didn’t know you had such a badass hiding inside you.”

“That bitch is not about to tell me I can’t see him.” She said under her breath, jogging down the hall.

She busted through his room door the moment a doctor was stepping out.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, you can’t be in here.” The doctor grasped around her arm and she yanked it back.

“The hell I can’t.” She argued and tried to push through, but he blocked her.

“Ma’am, are you his sister?”

“Princess?”

She heard Bellamy’s voice and shoved past the doctor, almost knocking him into the wall.

“That’s his wife.” Murphy told the doctor matter of factly.

She ran straight to him, her eyes scanning every part of his body that she could see. His mid section was wrapped and he had a few scratches and scrapes covering his arms and face. 

“Are you okay?” She asked, reaching her hands up to his face. “What happened?”

He looked a little out of it, honestly. “I think I hit my head pretty good. And it kinda hurts to breathe.” He admitted.

She looked to the doctor for explanation.

“I’m sorry. I- I didn’t see anything about a wife in his file. I didn’t-“

“It’s a recent development.” Bellamy gave Clarke a small smirk, but her eyes were fixed on the doctor, waiting for an explanation.

“Right.” The doctor said. “Well, uh, Mrs. Blake, your husband has suffered minor injuries, though it may take some time to heal fully. He has badly bruised his ribs, and has a minor concussion. We did give him something for the pain, so he may be a little out of it for a while. The rest is just the cuts and scrapes you see.”

“What do we need to do?” She asked.

“Well, right now rest is what he needs. No strenuous activities for at least 4 weeks. He should be able to start getting back to normal by then. We’d like to keep him over night, just to monitor the concussion, but he should be good to go by morning.”

She let out a shaky sigh in relief and nodded.

“Just let the nurse know if you need anything.” The doctor said, excusing himself.

She turned to Bellamy, pressing her head against his. “You scared the hell out of me.” She chastised him.

The way she felt made her feel like she was going to drive herself straight to an anxiety attack.

“Relax, princess.” He kissed her, trying to reassure her. “I’m sorry, I’m right here.”

“What even happened?” Murphy asked, coming to sit next to the bed.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember much.” Bellamy said slowly. “I was driving through the traffic light and then it was just a blur. I remember the truck flipping, but not much after that.” He shook his head, but winced a little at the movement. “They said someone ran the light and slammed into me. The truck rolled a few times and stopped upside down and apparently I crawled out, but I don’t remember it.”

Clarke swallowed down her tears. She didn’t feel so terrified anymore, so she wasn’t sure why she felt like crying, but maybe it was from relief.

She did her best to not show how she was feeling, but Bellamy still looked over at her. “Hey, don’t worry, babe.” He reached his hand to the side of her neck. “I’m okay, I promise.”

She just nodded and took a deep breath. “You really scared me.” She repeated shakily.

“I know. Come here, princess.” He moved his arm and scooted carefully to make room for her on the bed and she quickly climbed in next to him, leaning carefully onto his upper chest.

“I’m gonna go call Raven. Let her know what happened.” Murphy said, stepping out.

Bellamy nodded and moved his hand up and down Clarke’s arm.

She never wanted to move from his side again. It was terrifying to her that she could lose him. It was what she’d been scared of since their first kiss, since she’d realized that she needed him.

She bit her lip and looked up at him. “Does it hurt?” She asked, voice soft and concerned.

He made a face, like it wasn’t bothering him, but she knew better.

“Bell.” She said his name in warning.

“Fine.” He huffed a small, weak laugh. “It hurts like a bitch.” He admitted. “My head is pounding, I can’t take a deep breath without feeling like I’m being stabbed, and I can barely keep my eyes open.”

She ran her thumb over his cheek and swallowed down the words she wanted to say. Now wasn’t the time to tell him that she would’ve fallen completely apart if something happened to him. He was in pain and probably still reeling from the crash.

“Also,” he continued. “My poor truck is fucked up... bad.”

She laughed a little, feeling some pressure lift off her chest. “It did what it was made to do. It kept you alive.”

“Good thing I had full coverage.” He slurred ever so slightly.

“We’ll worry about all that later... I’m just glad you’re okay.” She whispered.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” He told her like a guilty child. “I tried to get the paramedic to call with my phone, but I think it got tossed out of the truck during the crash and they couldn’t find it.”

“You know I’m now doomed to answer every single unknown number that ever calls my phone again, right?” She asked.

He chuckled a little, but it turned to a groan of pain, pushing his head back against the pillow.

She started to lift herself up and off the bed but he grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Don’t leave.” He pressed out through closed eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere, Bell. I just don’t wanna hurt you.”

He pulled at her to move back to his chest, so she carefully laid back down.

“Can you just lay with me, please?” His voice was deep and unsure.

She put her hand carefully on his chest and let her fingers run across it. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” She whispered. “Do you need more medicine for the pain?”

He shook his head. “I don’t like the way it makes me feel.” His voice was getting weaker and he sounded a little hazed. “I don’t want anymore of it. Don’t let them give it to me.”

“Okay. It’s okay.” She comforted. “I won’t let them.” She knew it was partially because of his mom that he didn’t want any drugs and she didn’t blame him.

He was getting too tired, the adrenaline starting to finally make its way out of his system.

“Try to sleep, love.” She told him softly. “We’ll be right here.”

“I just wanna go home.” He rasped through closed eyes. “I hate it here.”

“I know, Bell. Soon.”

“The last time we were in a hospital...” he paused for a moment, and really he didn’t need to finish, because she remembered clearly the last time they were in a hospital.

“I’m sorry, baby. It’s just for the night, okay? I promise we’ll leave tomorrow. I’ll be right here the whole time.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek, then carefully moved them so his head was in the crook of her shoulder, running her hand through his hair to soothe him.

The room was loud and everything was bright and making noise. With how light of a sleeper he was, she was surprised he was falling asleep, but the crash had to have taken a toll on his body. Plus, the drugs they had already given him.

He must’ve been really out of it, because he starting lightly snoring within minutes of her moving them.

Murphy walked quietly back in the room. “Hey, is he alright?”

She swallowed a lump in her throat, one she hadn’t realized was there and shook her head.

“He wants to go home.” Her voice cracked and she tried to clear her throat. “They need to stop giving him whatever drugs they have him on.” She said stronger. “He doesn’t want them.”

“Okay.” He said quickly. “I’ll get a nurse.”

He was back within 2 minutes, with a nurse behind him.

“Mrs. Blake, the medicine he’s on is keeping him comfortable. The doctor doesn’t recommend taking him off of it so soon.” The nurse said.

“He doesn’t want it.” Clarke said firmly. “I don’t care what the doctor thinks.”

Her mother was a doctor and she wouldn’t trust her for a second.

The nurse nodded and went to cut off the supply of whatever they had been giving him.

“Thanks.” Murphy told the nurse as she walked out.

He sat down in the chair next to the bed and looked at Clarke. She was trying hard to hold it together, he could see that.

“He’s okay.” Murphy tried gently.

“He doesn’t wanna be here, Murphy... the last time he was in a hospital, it was to identify his dead mother, who overdosed on drugs. And now they’re trying to shove drugs down his throat.”

She angrily wiped a stray tear. “And I hate that he was here alone. That he was alone when it happened.”

“Hey, if you were with him, you could’ve been killed. You heard him, they hit the passenger side... What do you think it would be like for him knowing you were in that truck too? You think it’d have been easier?” Murphy asked.

She sniffed and shook her head. “No.” She admitted.

“You’re here now, Clarke.” He continued. “That’s what he needs. He needs you safe and to be here for him.”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.” She said simply.

He let out a sigh of relief. He knew that it wasn’t going to stay that simple, but they’d deal with that later. “Okay.”

“What’d Raven say?” She asked.

“She’s gonna swing by the house and let River out, give him dinner and then head this way. She called Octavia and let her know too.”

She nodded and took a few deep breaths.

“Do you really think he needs to stay the night?” She asked Murphy.

Murphy made a face in thought. “Probably not, but... maybe it’s a good idea. Just to be safe.”

She swallowed hard. “That wasn’t really what I wanted you to say.”

“I know, kid. I’m sorry.” Murphy said softly.

She rested her cheek on the top of Bellamy’s head and closed her eyes, trying not to let anxiety take control of her.

Bellamy was only able to sleep for an hour before a nurse came in and bothered him. Checking his vitals, asking how he felt, asking more questions than Clarke felt necessary. She just wanted everyone to stop bothering him. Especially since they were the ones that said he needed to rest so badly.

When Raven came in, he was finally sleeping again. She looked worried, but she walked to Clarke and handed her some clean clothes.

“Are you alright?” Raven asked.

Clarke nodded, but took in a shaky breath. “I, um- I need a minute.” She stood up and raced outside.

Raven looked at Murphy in question.

He shook his head. “Stay here with him. I’ll be back.” He raced after Clarke.

She ran outside straight to the edge of the parking lot, falling to her knees as soon as she reached the grass.

“Clarke!” She heard Murphy yell, but she couldn’t respond.

He stopped behind her, pausing for a second before stepping beside her.

Everything was wet and foggy. It had rained after they got to the hospital but thankfully has stopped.

“Clarke?” He tried again.

Her body was shaking and her breaths came fast and shallow.

Murphy knelt down beside her and slowly put his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t lose it on me, alright.”

“I hate feeling like this.” She pressed out.

“Then do something about it.” Murphy said firmly.

It took her by surprise, her eyes shooting to his in confusion.

“I-“ she cut off, unsure of what to say.

“_Do_ something about it, Clarke.” He repeated. “What do you need? Do you need to cry, scream, hit something, what?”

Murphy stood up and looked at her hard. He wasn’t going to baby her. He knew that didn’t work, so he was going to push her.

“Clarke, _what do you need_?” He asked her more firmly when she didn’t answer.

“I need bad shit to stop happening.” She said.

“Well you can’t have that.” He said sharply. “So what do you want to do about it?” His voice was raising and she found herself getting angry.

“I want you to stop yelling at me!” She snapped.

“Too bad.” He said. “You’ve been in that hospital room bottling all this shit up, Clarke, let it out!”

“What do you want from me!” She yelled back at him standing up and hit his chest, pushing him back hard. “You want me to say that I was fucking terrified that he was gonna be dead? That I _hate _that he’s hurt and scared. That the panic that I felt and _still fucking feel_ is eating me alive? That the first thing that ran through my mind, was that if he didn’t make it, then neither would I? That I’d kill myself!”

He stayed silent, taking the hit to his chest without a word. Her words didn’t surprise him. He’d known it all already.

_“Fuck!”_ She turned around and took in a sharp breath, then she realized... she could breathe again.

She took in another deep breath and turned back to Murphy with tears in her eyes. His face was softer now, like he was waiting for her to break.

She let out a sob and he walked to her quickly, wrapping his arms around her.

She gripped him tightly as soon as he was in reach. “I thought I lost him.” She cried into his neck.

“I know.” He whispered. “I know, but you didn’t, Clarke. He’s gonna be okay. You’re okay.”

He let her cry until she couldn’t anymore. He wished there was something more he could’ve done but this would have to do.

When she pulled back, she wiped her tears away and looked at him a little hesitantly.

“Feel better?” He asked.

She nodded and sniffed. “You did that on purpose.”

“I made you _mad_ on purpose, yes. I didn’t know you were gonna hit me though. That was not part of the plan.” He eyed her playfully to let her know he wasn’t upset about it. “But it worked and you needed it.”

She made a face. “I’m sorry I hit you.”

“I forgive you this time.” He said lightly. “Now, wipe those tears and let’s get inside.”

There were problems with the things she’d said. However, now was not the time or place to address them.

Bellamy was barely awake when they walked back in. Not awake enough to realize she’d been crying. Murphy was thankful for that.

He was in and out of sleep the whole time Raven was there. After a couple of hours she decided to call it a night, electing to go back home and stay with River.

Eventually, Clarke fell asleep, curled next to him on the small bed. He’d woken up for what seemed like the hundredth time and rolled slightly so he was facing her.

There were so many things that had ran through his mind when the truck started flipping, but they’d all been visions of her. She was all he could see. He brushed the hair out of her face and watched her.

“She could’ve been in that truck with me.” Bellamy whispered so softly that Murphy almost missed it. 

“She wasn’t though.” Murphy said looking over to him. “And, man, you should’ve seen her today. All fire. Making sure you were okay, that you got what you needed. I have to say though, the nurse at the front desk... definitely not a Clarke fan.”

Bellamy smiled at that. “She stood up for herself.”

“She stood up for _you_.” Murphy corrected. “...You feel better now that there’s no drugs in your system?”

“I wanna marry her.” Bellamy said easily. “I want her to be my wife. Not just have to pretend to be so she can see me in a hospital.”

Murphy’s expression didn’t change. He already knew that. “I take that as a yes, then.”

“Just... all I could think about when that truck was flipping was that... I didn’t wanna leave her. I’ve never...” He stopped tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I’ve never wanted to live as much as I want to live right now... with her.” He admitted. “Two years ago, I would’ve taken that hit and I would have hoped that it’d kill me.”

It wasn’t an easy admission. Part of it wasn’t at least. Murphy knew that Bellamy had had a hard time in the past, that he’d teetered on the edge of his life, but they’d never talked about it.

“But today...” Bellamy continued. “Today I was _terrified_ that it would.”

“So...” Murphy shrugged. “What are you waiting for?” He asked simply, ignoring the comments about the past and looking at the present. “Not like you gotta worry about asking her dad for permission or some shit.”

Bellamy shrugged at that. “I don’t know.” He whispered. “But I’m not gonna wait anymore. I don’t need to wait for something that I know I want... I love her and I never wanna spend another day without her.”

Murphy smirked and let out a small huff. “You know Octavia is gonna be pissed about missing you two getting engaged?”

“Yeah.” He laughed lightly, but sobered up as the pain shot through him. “Murphy, I wanna go home.”

Murphy looked up at the clock. It was almost 3AM. Bellamy seemed fine. He was lucid and talking. He seemed a lot better than he had earlier.

“Alright. I’ll get a nurse to get some discharge papers.” Murphy said standing up.

Bellamy gently shook Clarke. “Wake up, princess.”

Her eyes shot open and she looked confused for a moment, until she remembered where they were.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She asked trying to wake up.

“Yeah, I’m okay. We’re gonna get out of here.”

She blinked a little and looked around. “Where’s Murphy?”

“He went to try and get someone for discharge papers.”

Murphy walked back in, a different nurse than from before following him.

“Mr. Blake, the doctor hasn’t cleared you for discharge.” She told him.

“Yeah, I know.” He grunted as he sat up and slipped his shirt on, trying not to wince at the pain. “I’ll sign whatever you need me to sign, but I’m not staying here.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good ide-“

“I know you’re just doing your job,” Clarke cut her off, taking a few steps towards her. “But he’s already made it very clear what he wants, so I’m going to need you to go get those papers now.”

The nurses mouth snapped shut for a moment, then she nodded. “I’ll be right back then.”

“See?” Murphy looked at Bellamy, who was smirking. “All fire.”

“Shut up.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “None of these people wanna listen to us. It’s so frustrating.”

“Settle down, princess.” Bellamy smiled. “We’re getting out of here soon.”

The nurse took entirely too long to come back with the papers. By the time she came back, all the papers were signed, and they got to the car, it was 4:15.

As soon as they were home, they all went straight to bed, thankful to be able to sleep without all the lights and noise.

Bellamy pulled Clarke as close to him as he could without causing himself too much pain and fell asleep happy, despite the days events.

He was alive. He had the woman he loved in his arms, and he was going to marry her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! I really wanted to show Clarke trying to stay strong, that she’s come a long way, but also show that she needs some sort of a release and I really wanted Murphy to be the one to help her through that this chapter. I really do love the relationship I’ve built between them.


	30. ~ Such a Simple Thing ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used in this chapter is one of my favorite songs ever made. It’s one of those songs that caught me off guard and just struck me. And I think the lyrics really play into the story. It’s called Such a Simple Thing by Ray LaMontagne.
> 
> I listened to it while writing the chapter, so hopefully it comes through like I planned.

Over the next two weeks, insurance had cut Bellamy a check for his truck and he decided to buy an SUV instead, so all of them could fit in one vehicle comfortably, even with River.

Bellamy was home, having to take off work to heal and Clarke would barely leave his side, which was honestly fine by him.

But he was going to have to figure out a way to get out of the house without her soon. Ever since he’d decided he wanted to propose, it had been nagging at him. He wanted to get out and buy her a ring, but he was going to need help to do it.

So he, Murphy and Raven devised a plan. Raven would convince Clarke to go out for a girls day, letting the guys have their own time, but Clarke was harder to convince than they planned.

“Come on, Clarke.” Raven was practically begging. “I’m sick of being stuck in this house with these men. We haven’t been able to do anything for weeks. They can go out. We can go out. We’ll have fun.”

“I don’t know.” Clarke sighed. “It still makes me nervous. Why don’t we just all go together?”

“If he’s gonna crash, it’ll happen with or without you.” Murphy commented.

“Yes, that makes me feel better. Thanks.” Clarke responded dryly.

“I’d like to remind all of you that it wasn’t my fault.” Bellamy defended.

“That makes it worse.” Clarke said. “I don’t have to worry about _your_ driving, just everyone else’s.”

“I need a girls day.” Raven complained.

“It’ll be fine, princess.” Bellamy pulled Clarke to him, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Go have fun.”

She sighed, leaning back into him. “You’re still not supposed to do anything strenuous.”

“Were going to lunch and a movie, babe. Not sky diving.” He told her with a smirk.

She made a face, but relented. “Fine.”

“Yes!” Raven jumped up. “I’m gonna go grab my bag.”

“Why can’t I just stay with you?” She groaned dramatically.

“You’re awfully clingy lately, princess.” He teased her.

“I’m sorry that you almost died and now I’m terrified.” She said without a single drop of remorse.

“Don’t worry,” Murphy started. “I’ll make sure he stays out of trouble.”

“Yes, because he’s the one who would cause trouble here.” She said sarcastically, even though she knew there’d been multiple times where Murphy had in fact gotten Bellamy out of trouble. It was just more fun to give Murphy a hard time.

“Okay!” Raven shouted excitedly, running down the stairs. “Let’s get out of here.”

Bellamy turned her around and pulled her body to his, kissing her. “Be careful, please.” He told her. “I love you.”

She smiled. She’d never in her life get tired of hearing him say that. “You be careful too. I love you.” She kissed him once more quickly and then she was being pulled away be Raven.

Bellamy laughed, shaking his head as Raven drug Clarke out of the house.

“Alright.” Murphy clapped his back excitedly. “Ring time. You ready?”

“Been ready.” Bellamy replied with a grin.

They drove to the jeweler and Bellamy couldn’t sit still. Murphy couldn’t remember seeing him that excited.

“So, how are you gonna ask her?” Murphy asked him.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Bellamy huffed a laugh. “I just... I don’t know, she’s not really a big grand gesture kinda person, you know?”

Murphy nodded in agreement, because she really wasn’t. She wanted simple things. They made her happy. Probably because for so long she didn’t have those simple things to enjoy.

“I just wanna make her happy.” Bellamy confesses. “Hopefully, this will.” He smirked.

“It’d be a bummer if she said no.” Murphy smiled, knowing full well that she would say yes.

Bellamy chuckled at him, knowing he was joking and not willing to let anything dampen his mood.

The jeweler tried to push the biggest most expensive rings on him, but they just didn’t feel right. She wasn’t over the top, and he didn’t feel like her ring should be either. It just wouldn’t fit.

Bellamy sighed, walking out of the store. “Nothing feels right.”

“You know she won’t care what it looks like, right?” Murphy asked, following him out.

“I know but, it just... I want it to be perfect.” He knew Murphy was right. She wouldn’t care.

“Come on.” Murphy nodded his head towards the car. “There’s a place I think you’ll like.”

Murphy drove for another 30 minutes before they pulled up to a small strip of stores. There was one to the far end that Murphy pulled up in front of. “I think you’ll find something here.”

Bellamy looked closely at the place. It looked like a custom ring shop. Already a step in the right direction.

He smiled a little, feeling excitement again.

When they walked in they were greeted, but not harassed or followed around. They were just allowed to browse on their own.

“Let me know if you need any help or have any questions.” Someone told them.

There were hundreds of unique rings. Ones with and without diamonds. His eyes settled on one and he stopped. It was a a band and engagement ring with a pear shaped, salt and pepper stone in the middle. The band was lined with diamonds and came down to a point to accommodate the angle of the pear shape, fitting together perfectly.

“That’s it.” Bellamy said looking at it.

Murphy smiled. “I knew you’d find something here.”

Bellamy quickly waved down someone and they came over, taking it out of the case so he could examine it closer. 

It was welded in the back, keeping the two rings together.

He looked at the size on the small tag attached. Size 7. Perfect.

“I’d like this one, please.” Bellamy handed in back to the salesmen.

“Not a problem. Let me box it up and we’ll get you checked out.” He said.

When they got in the car to leave, Bellamy’s knee bounced up and down, not willing to still.

“So you really don’t know how you’re gonna ask her?” Murphy questioned.

“I don’t know. I think I’ll just ask.” He shrugged.

“No long thought out, romantic proposal?”

Bellamy shook his head. “I don’t think so. I just want her to know. I don’t wanna keep waiting to plan some big thing.”

Murphy made a face.

“What?” Bellamy asked.

“Nothing.” Murphy shrugged. “I just thought you’d have some kind of plan.”

Bellamy went quiet. Raven had said the same thing earlier that week. She’d expected him to have some extravagant plan and he didn’t. He didn’t really want to. Didn’t really feel like she’d want it.

“Hey, um...” Murphy scratched the top of his head trying to think of the best approach. “I don’t wanna put a damper on things but, I think there’s something I should tell you.”

“Okay?” The way Murphy was talking made him a little nervous.

“The night you got in your accident, Clarke had a harder time then she let on.” Murphy continued. “After Raven got there, she kinda lost it. I thought she was gonna have another panic attack or anxiety attack, whatever you wanna call it, and honestly she probably would have if I hadn’t followed her.”

“You stopped it?” Bellamy asked a little surprised.

“I- sort of.” He tilted his head in thought. “I pissed her off and it stopped the anxiety attack but... Bellamy she said that the first thing she thought was that if you didn’t make it, she was gonna kill herself.”

Bellamy had to swallow. It’d been a long time since he’d heard her talk like that. Or at least it felt like a long time.

“I don’t know if she was serious. She was scared and not thinking clearly. I just thought- I felt like I should tell you. That you should know.” Murphy finished.

Bellamy took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad you did.”

Murphy gave him a small nod.

“Did, uh... did she say anything else?” He asked hesitantly.

“Just that she thought she’d lost you.”

He swallowed again and leaned his head back. While he’d been sleeping in the hospital bed, she’d been outside on the verge of a panic attack and he felt guilty that he wasn’t there for her.

“She did good though, Bell.” Murphy tried to comfort. “She kept it together until she knew she could give herself a moment to fall apart. It was overwhelming for her, but she _still_ kept it together. You should be proud of her.”

“I am.” Bellamy said quickly. “But I’m also scared, Murphy. What if I hadn’t have been okay? What would she have done?”

The worry in his voice was clear, almost panicked at the thought.

“I don’t know...” Murphy sighed. Because he really didn’t know. Sure, she’d said that it was her first thought, but none of them had any way to know if she would’ve actually gone through with it.

“I should’ve left that hospital as soon as I got there.” Bellamy chastised himself. “I shouldn’t have let them keep me.”

“Bellamy, you had a concussion and you were pumped full of drugs. You staying in that hospital a few extra hours isn’t what caused it.” Murphy argued. “I didn’t tell you so you could be upset about it or blame yourself. I told you so you can help her. None of what happened is your fault. Not the accident, not having to be in the hospital, and not Clarke freaking out, so fuck off with the guilty face.”

Bellamy blinked at Murphy’s rant. He didn’t have a response, so he just nodded at him and tried to leave his expression blank.

Murphy sighed in relief that he wasn’t going to argue back.

Bellamy was quiet the rest of the ride home, stuck in his own thoughts.

Really, he just wanted to be home now. He missed Clarke, which to anyone else may have seemed ridiculous, but after having her by his side constantly, it was what he’d grown used to and he needed it. Especially after hearing what Murphy had said.

He needed to see her.

They were home before the girls, much to Bellamy’s dismay. He paced the floor, unable to sit still. There was too much on his mind now.

“She’s gonna know something’s up if you don’t chill out.” Murphy said from the couch.

“I can’t hide anything from her anyway. She always knows. Just like I always know, except I didn’t that night because I was in a fucking hospital bed.”

Murphy rolled his eyes. “You’re seriously gonna start that again?”

“I can’t stop, Murphy. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t- you saw her the night of the party, the night Roan was in the bar.”

Murphy looked down at his lap. “Yeah, I did. And I don’t wanna see it again.”

Before Bellamy could answer, the door opened.

River jumped up and ran to the door to greet them, Bellamy not far behind him.

He couldn’t just ambush her into talking about it, he knew that. He just needed to touch her after feeling so anxious.

As soon as she stood up from petting River, he kissed her. It caught her a little off guard. Not the kiss but the need behind it. He pressed her closer to him and Raven looked over to Murphy.

‘Later’ He mouthed.

Once Bellamy pulled back, Clarke looked at him. “Hey, you okay?”

“I just missed you.” He tried to play it off. “Can we take a shower and lay down?”

“Okay.” Her brows furrowed, a concerned look etched on her face.

He showered quicker than she did, so when he got out he grabbed his guitar, crawled out the window onto the roof and started playing.

She heard the guitar start playing and quickly dried off, throwing on a tank top and sliding out the window to sit next to him.

_ “Tell me what you're feeling _

_ I can take the pain _

_ Tell me that you mean it _

_ That you won't leave again” _

She watched him closely, growing increasingly worried, but he didn’t look up at her.

_ “Tell me what your heart wants _

_ Such a simple thing _

_ My heart is like paper _

_ Yours is like a flame _

_ I can't make you see _

_ If you don't by now _

_ I'll get through these chains _

_ Some how, some how” _

He finished playing the melody, but didn’t finish the song. 

There was a lot he felt like he needed to say, he just wasn’t sure where to start.

When he put the guitar down next to him, she gently pulled his chin towards her so he’d look at her. She could tell he was thinking hard. 

“Bell,” she sat up a little straighter to look at him, wiggling closer. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He looked down for a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back at her. “Murphy told me about what happened at the hospital.” He admitted.

Her body tensed up and she pulled a little further away from him. “What’d he say?”

“Hey,” He grabbed her hand so she would stay close. “Don’t be mad at him. I just want you to talk to me.”

She wouldn’t meet his eyes now. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

He kept his eyes on her, watching her avoid his gaze. “Are you mad at me?” He asked.

Her eyes snapped to his. “What?”

“I didn’t see it. I let you build all that shit up and I didn’t see. I didn’t help you.” He sounded guilty and she hated that. _He_ hated that, because it was exactly what Murphy told him _not_ to do.

“God, Bellamy, no. I could never- you were hurt. You were fucked up on drugs and adrenaline and you had a concussion. There was no way you could’ve seen anything.” She defended fiercely.

“Are you...” he closed his eyes and sighed. He should’ve thought harder about what he wanted to say. “Why didn’t you tell me? After we were home.”

Now _she_ looked guilty. She shook her head, but maintained eye contact. “I... I didn’t wanna disappoint you.” She blinked back tears. “And you were the one that was hurt, not me. I didn’t want it to be about me and I didn’t want you to worry.”

“I’m always gonna worry.” He said honestly. “But, Clarke, I will _never_ be disappointed in you. No matter how you feel. I can take whatever you throw at me, princess. And you _were_ hurt. Just because I was the one in the accident doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt by it...” he put his hand on her cheek. “Every time I’ve seen you upset or- or you’ve hurt yourself... it hurts me too.”

She opened her mouth, likely to apologize, so he cut her off quickly.

“And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad about it. I’m saying that because I get it. You got hurt too, just in a different way.”

Her tears started to fall and his hand moved quickly to brush them away. “You don’t have to hide from me, princess. You know that.” He kept searching her eyes.

“I just hate it, Bell.” Her voice was weak. “I hate feeling like that. I didn’t wanna tell you because I don’t want you to think- I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you would’ve died.” Even saying the words now made her choke a sob. “What I told Murphy... it was the first thing I thought and I- I don’t know if I would have done it or not, but I _thought it_.”

This was one of the first times he truly didn’t know what to say. He could help her out of the shit before and he can help her through anything that hits her now... except that. If he died, if something happened to him, he had no idea what would happen to her and terrified him.

“Clarke.” His voice cracked. “I don’t know how to fix this, baby.” He looked defeated.

She shook her head. “You can’t.” Her hand went to his cheek. “Could you just try not to die?”

Despite the weight on his chest, he let out a short laugh. “I’ll do my best.”

She sniffed and nodded. “I don’t want Murphy and Raven to feel bad. You know, like, when I have a bad day. I know they’re there and they love me and I have this amazing life now... so why do I still feel like sometimes I can’t get out of the dark?”

He let his hands run through her hair. “There are gonna be good days and there are gonna be bad ones. They know that. I know that. And no one blames you for that, baby. But you have to tell me when they’re bad.” He emphasized. “You can’t try to act like it’s all fine when it’s not.”

“You always know anyway.” She tried to give a weak smile.

“I try to.” He smiled back at her to try and ease her, but it disappeared as he thought of another question itching at him. “You don’t feel-“ he cut off to rephrase his question. “Do you feel like that a lot?” He wanted to think that she didn’t, because he’d like to think that he’d be able to tell if she did.

She shook her head. “No. No, I...” she trailed off thinking of the best way to say it. “It was a bad day.” She said simply. “I haven’t wanted to cut in forever. That night was the first time it came into my head since my mom. And it was bad. It came back full force and I wanted to but... I didn’t.”

Bellamy breathed a little easier at that. “If you do ever feel like that, promise me you’ll tell me. Just like before, nothing’s changed. I’m not gonna be disappointed, I promise you. I just don’t wanna see you like that again... I don’t wanna feel like I’m losing you.”

She nodded and leaned her head against his, closing her eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too, princess.” He gave her a small, almost shy smile. “I wanna ask you something, but I’m not sure if this is the right time.”

“Ask away.” She whispered.

He kept his head against hers and pulled the ring out of his sweatpants pocket and gently slipped it on her finger. “Marry me.” He grinned.

Her mouth dropped opened as she looked down at the ring.

“I don’t wanna waste anymore time. I know what I want, princess. And that’s you. That’ll never change.”

She smiled and didn’t actually give him an answer. She kissed him, running her hand to the back of his neck, pressing him into her.

Bellamy took control quickly, moving so he was pushing her back onto the roof and his body was over hers.

Obviously he knew her answer, but he had to tease her anyway. “Does that mean yes?” He smirked, pulling back.

She laughed and he felt warmth fill his chest at the sound of it. “It means yes.” She confirmed.

“Good.” He grinned down at her, a soft look on his face. “You know you’re my world. And I’m gonna make you smile every single day.” He added.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An emotional chapter all and all. I rewrote it, like, 4 times trying to get it just right, so I hope you guys love it ❤️


	31. ~ All of Us ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating today, because I’ll be busy tomorrow.

Bellamy had been cleared a few weeks later to return to work and they all slowly started getting back to their normal, getting back to their weekend hiking and the gym.

Octavia had lost her mind when she found out they got engaged. She flew down on her next long weekend to celebrate with them and go dress shopping with Clarke and Raven.

She wasn’t able to visit for long, but they found Clarke a beautiful dress. Technically, it was a prom dress. It was knee length and strapless with a sweetheart neckline and it fit her beautifully. Especially since she didn’t want a traditional dress.

There was no date set. Clarke wasn’t really sure when she wanted it, though everyone kept asking her. Raven and Octavia, even though she was in a whole different state, were in overdrive. Planning all sorts of things and texting Clarke non-stop.

“You know,” she told Bellamy as they sat on the couch. “I’m starting to think we should just elope.”

He chuckled a little. “The girls driving you a little crazy?”

“A little?” She asked sarcastically.

He laughed again and shook his head. “We could, you know?”

She furrowed her eyebrows at him in question.

“Elope.” He clarified.

“They would all kill us.” She said seriously. “Or Raven and Octavia would anyway.”

“It’s not about what _they_ want, princess. It’s about what _we_ want.”

It wasn’t that she really wanted to elope. She wanted Raven and Octavia and Murphy and everyone she loved to be apart of it. She just wished everyone was a bit more lax with it all.

“I don’t want to exclude them.” She said after thinking about it. “I love them. But I do need them to relax a bit.” She admitted. “It’s gonna be so small anyway, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”

He smiled at her. “I’ll have Murphy talk to Raven about easing up some.”

“Speaking of Raven, she wants me to go with her to this cake testing thing in Azgeda Saturday night.”

His eyes shot up at that, immediately looking concerned. “You’re not going to Azgeda.”

She blinked, a little surprised at the finality in his voice. “Why not?”

“That place is dangerous. The last thing you two need to do is go there. Especially alone.” His mind was already swirling with things that could go wrong if they went.

“Bell, we’ll be fine.” She tried to reason. “We’re always paying attention and we stay safe. You and Murphy have both made sure of that.”

“This isn’t up for debate, Clarke.” He said firmly. “It’s not safe. You’re not going.”

“I didn’t realize you were in charge of me now.” She snapped and he immediately recoiled, feeling guilty, but he was still going to stand his ground.

“Clarke-“

“Bell, just come with us. This place is supposed to be amazing and Raven really wants to go. If you’re there, I know you’ll feel better about us going.” She didn’t know why she was pushing so much. She didn’t even really want to go herself.

“Why can’t you go somewhere around here?” He asked frustrated.

“Because there are no bakeries around here.”

He huffed, annoyed because she was right. There weren’t any in the area, but they still didn’t have to chose Azgeda.

There were a lot of reasons he didn’t want her to go. It really wasn’t safe. The place had round the clock crime, from robberies, to rape, to murder.

And also... “Roan lives in Azgeda.” He admitted through clenched teeth.

Her eyes softened immediately at that, her frustration disappearing- understanding why he’d gotten worked up so quickly. She watched him, his body tense and rigid. That had been a hard night for both of them, but especially him.

She was used to cutting, but him? It was only the second time he’d seen it and it wasn’t something he ever wanted to see again.

It was also the last time that she had cut. He’d probably been thinking about it as soon as she’d said where she was going.

“Okay.” She said gently and rested her hand on his. “We’ll find somewhere else.”

He sighed and shook his head clear.

“Seriously, Bell. We’ll go somewhere else. I don’t mind. I’m sorry for pushing.”

“No, it’s okay. We can go. I just don’t want you guys going alone.” _Now _he was set on going. Trying to push himself to be okay.

She squeezed his hand and moved to sit in his lap. He shut his eyes, fighting back demons that she couldn’t see and his hands went straight to her waist, gripping to her tightly.

“You know how you tell me to let you know when I’m not okay? You have to tell me too, Bell.”

He swallowed hard. She was right. He was trying to fight down memories of that night... because that was the night he felt like he’d almost lost her- that he felt like she had slipped from his grasp.

She had to have known exactly what he was thinking, because she didn’t say another word, she just ran her fingers through his hair, and started singing softly to him.

He felt like he shouldn’t be such a mess. That he should ‘man up’ and ‘get over it’, it was months ago. But he didn’t need to put on a show for Clarke. He didn’t _want_ to. As much as he took care of her, sometimes he wanted her to take care of him. And she did.

She pulled his head into her neck and he gladly rested it there, taking a deep breath, focusing on her voice. And he registered that River had laid on his feet.

He didn’t know what song she sang, but he knew it calmed him down. He fought the thoughts of that night as hard as he could.

That was the last time she’d cut. She hadn’t again, because it didn’t seem to help anymore. Not like she wanted it to. _He helped_. His grip on her loosened ever so slightly and he let himself lose his thoughts in her voice.

When her singing ended, he’d calmed down. He pulled back and looked up at her, his fingers brushing her hair back. “I overreacted... I’m-”

“You had bad memories.” She defended. “Don’t apologize, Bell. You don’t need to.”

He nodded, looking at her with his brows still pulled together.

“We’ll find somewhere else to go.” She said running her hand down his cheek.

“No, we can go. I just... I heard Azgeda and my mind went to him and then it went to...” He shook his head. “I- it’s fine. We can go. But it has to be us. You and Raven aren’t going alone... I just freaked out a little.”

“I’ve been there before.” She teased herself a little and it made him chuckle, the tension in him easing some.

“You’ve been there a lot less though.” He said fondly.

“I have.” She agreed. “You keep me here.” She shrugged. “Not focused on my old world. The one where I was stuck and alone.”

He kissed her deeply and then rested his head on hers. “You keep me here too.” He told her.

“I try to.” She whispered. Sometimes she felt like she couldn’t help but feel like she added stress to his life instead of making it better. He didn’t deserve to be stressed out, and now she’d done just that by wanting to go to Azgeda.

The front door unlocked and Murphy and Raven walked in.

“On the couch? Really?” Murphy asked exasperated. “We’re gone for 30 minutes and you just _have_ to do it on the couch?”

Raven hit her hand against his chest. “Relax.” She rolled her eyes. “They’ve got all their clothes on.”

Clarke slipped off his lap, her butt hitting the cushion of the couch, but she left her legs over his.

“Did you know the girls plan on going to Azgeda Saturday night?” Bellamy asked Murphy.

That stopped him in his tracks. Raven winced and turned away. Meanwhile, Murphy shot a death glare at her back.

“So, no then.” Bellamy answered himself.

“What the hell for?” Murphy asked Raven, who’s back was still turned to him. “And why didn’t you tell me?”

She whipped around and stepped towards him. “Because I knew you’d act like this!”

“Damn right you knew, because you know that place is dangerous.” He argued back.

“We’re going to a bakery for the wedding cake, Murphy. Honestly, it’s not like we’re going clubbing or bar hopping, or looking for drugs.” Her temper was rising just as quickly as Murphy’s was.

“Oh, so that means that you won’t get fucking mugged, or rap-“

“That’s enough!” Bellamy’s voice boomed and he moved Clarke’s legs off of him to stand up. “I’m going with them.” He said calmer.

Murphy’s mouth dropped open for a moment, like he was in thought. “You’re going to Azgeda?” He asked like he didn’t believe it.

“If they are, yeah.” He said.

“You’re seriously going to let them go?”

“Murphy, we’re not-“ he cut off and sighed. “They can make their own decisions... and I can make mine. So if they want to go, fine. But I’m going too, to make sure they’re safe.”

Raven rolled her eyes again, annoyed that they didn’t think they could take care of themselves.

“They were just gonna go and not tell us!” Murphy raised his voice back up. “That’s not how this works. We make decisions together. We’re a fa-“ he cut off quickly. “You know what? Fine. Hopefully you don’t all die while you’re there.” He snapped, storming up the stairs.

“We should just go somewhere else.” Clarke said after she heard his bedroom door slam shut. “It’s not that big of a deal, guys. And it’s not worth all of... _this_.” She said gesturing around.

“Yeah, but everywhere else isn’t as good.” Raven said. “This place has rave reviews.”

“I know, but I really think we should go somewhere different.” Clarke continued. “It’s just going to be us. We don’t need a crazy, extravagant cake.”

Raven sighed and plopped down on the couch next to Clarke. “Fine.” She said defeated. “I’ll set up for the place in Trikru City on Saturday night instead.”

Even though Bellamy had said it was fine, she saw him visibly relax at their decision.

“You should probably go talk to him.” Clarke suggested to Raven. “He’s just worried about you.”

“Well he can worry an a less asshole-ish way.” She said, still annoyed at his attitude.

“Raven...”

She sighed dramatically and pushed off the couch. “If you hear yelling or Murphy’s body hitting the floor, don’t send help.” She called as she walked up the stairs.

Clarke reached forward and grabbed Bellamy’s arm, tugging him towards her. He relented easily, letting himself fall back into the couch.

“Thank you.” She could hear the relief in his voice as he sunk down and let his head rest on her shoulder.

“You seemed pretty set on going there for a minute.” She told him.

“I just want you be happy.” He said. “To do the things you want to do... plus, like you said, I’m not in charge of you.”

There was no malice in his voice. In fact, he sounded guilty, but she didn’t want him too. She knew the only reason he was so adamant about it and why he got worked up so quickly was because of Roan.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to say it like that, okay? I was...” she trailed off looking for the right word. “I was being a little bratty.” She smiled.

He looked at her like he was making sure she wasn’t angry, like he didn’t believe that she wasn’t.

“You’re not ‘in charge’ of me, but you do get a say in what I do. I know you wanna keep me safe... I get it.”

He nodded, looking relieved again. “I’m still sorry I overreacted.”

“It’s okay, Bell... I’m sorry too. Murphy’s right, even though he didn’t wanna say it.”

He looked up at her in question.

“We are a family. All of us.” She said. “And the decisions we make... they should be together.”

He smiled a little at that and rested his head back down. “Together.” He repeated.

If there was one thing he hated, it was fighting- or rather arguing with her. They did it so rarely that when it happened, it felt worse than it probably should. She kissed his head and he let out a soft sigh, glad that their disagreement was over.

•

Raven set up for a taste testing in Trikru City, like she had said she would. Trikru City was relatively small, but not as small as Shadow Valley. The city still bustled with life, busy on a Saturday night.

Bellamy still ended up tagging along, not quite willing to let Clarke out of his sight yet. Even though they had changed where they were going, he still had an uneasy feeling that he couldn’t shake.

When they got to the city, they had to park a few blocks away from the bakery. There was limited parking in Trikru, most people deciding to get around in foot.

“This place is packed.” Raven said as they walked up to the bakery.

She was right.

The inside of the place was packed and even though Raven had set up an appointment, they waited over an hour before someone helped them. Even then, they were surprised at how shitty the cake was.

“Okay,” Clarke said as they walked out over two hours later. “So not impressed there.”

Bellamy made a face. “Unfortunately, I’m not either.”

“I told you so.” Raven said annoyed.

“Yeah, yeah.” Bellamy grumbled. “Congratulations. This place sucked.”

It was almost 9:30 and they hadn’t had dinner yet.

“Lets just go eat.” He pointed at a restaurant across the street. “I need some real food.”

Luckily, the restaurant was good. Much better than the bakery had been.

“So I think I’m gonna make the cake myself.” Clarke said as they ate.

“You can’t.” Raven said flatly. “It’s your wedding.”

“I know, but-“

“Listen,” Raven stopped her. “The bakery situation is obviously no good. But I’ve got it under control, okay? I’ll take care of the cake.”

Clarke pursed her lips for a moment, but nodded.

“That eloping thing is sounding better every day.” Bellamy mumbled under his breath.

_“What?”_ Raven almost yelled. “Don’t even joke about that, Blake! You can _not_ leave us out.”

“Then let’s chill out a bit.” He suggested with a calm tone. “You guys are going a little overboard. You and O both are, and it’s stressing Clarke out. We want all of you guys there, but we don’t want this over the top thing. You and Octavia do.”

“We’re not-“

Bellamy cut her off with a raised eyebrow. “Have you stopped to ask her what she wants? Or have you and Octavia been taking over?”

Raven sat back a minute, thinking over that question. Clarke was quiet, looking at her plate.

“Shit.” Raven breathed out eventually. “You’re right.”

Bellamy made a face that said ‘no shit’, cocking his head at her.

“God, Clarke. Why didn’t you tell me we were stealing your wedding?” She asked.

Clarke shrugged a little. “You guys were so into it. I didn’t wanna burst any bubbles.”

“Yeah, but your bubbles are the important ones here, not ours.”

“Okay, enough bubble talk.” Bellamy rolled his eyes.

“It’s okay, Rae.” Clarke said. “I do want a small wedding though. Just all of us together. A small cake, a small ceremony with you guys in the backyard. That’s all.”

“Okay. Small and simple.” She agreed. “We can do that.”

By the time they’d finished dinner and paid it was late. On the walk back to the truck they only passed a couple people and the parking lots that had all been packed to the brim earlier, were now almost completely empty.

As they came up on the lot they were parked in, Bellamy’s uneasy feeling started to grow. His eyes were looking all around, hyper aware of their surroundings.

“You guys stay close.” He pulled Clarke closer to his body and motioned at Raven to speed up and get closer.

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked, jogging to catch up.

“Nothing, I just-“

He was cut off by a scream coming from the lot they were parked in.

They all paused, listening.

“Let go!” A young girls voice yelled.

Whoever it was, was crying. Bellamy pushed the girls both behind him. He had his gun in his back waist band, but didn’t grab it yet. “Stay behind me.” He said lowly.

“Please, you’re hurting me!”

Clarke’s eyes were wide. “Bellamy-“

“I know.” He cut her off.

The lot came into view and there was a man with a teenage girl. His hand tight around her wrist, almost twisting.

“Dad, stop!” She yelled.

That did it for Clarke. Without thinking she rushed forward and around Bellamy so quickly that he didn’t have time to stop her.

“Clarke!” He yelled.

She kept running forward, ignoring his yell.

“What the fuck?” He cursed and turned to shove the keys at Raven. “Get in the truck and get ready to call the police if you need. _Do not_ fight me on this.” He demanded.

Raven nodded quickly, looking a little scared at the situation and took off to the truck.

“Hey!” Clarke yelled as she ran up. “She said you’re hurting her. Let her go!”

“Clarke!” She heard Bellamy yell her name again and she knew he wasn’t happy.

The man turned around, bowing up at her and she struggled maintain her ground and not shrink away. But she’d gotten what she wanted. He let the girl go.

“And what business is it of yours, little girl?” The man snarled and walked towards her.

She knew he was trying to make himself appear bigger and honestly, _it was working_. Her heart was starting to beat a little out of control.

This was a mistake.

Bellamy appeared out of the corner of her eye and pushed the man back, stopping him from walking any closer. “Don’t fucking touch her, man.” He growled. “Back off.”

Clarke let out a little breath of relief.

The man looked at Bellamy with a nasty grin. “This your bitch?”

“My _what_?” Bellamy stepped forward, daring him to repeat himself.

Clarke’s eyes caught movement behind the man. The girl had ran to the other side of the car, moving slowly and silently, opening the door.

“You fuckin’ heard me.” She heard the man say, but her eyes were on the girl.

Her face was bruised, along with her arms. Clarke’s heart ached, and she struggled to control her breathing, but her heart completely stopped when the girl pulled out a baby from the back seat.

”Oh my god.” She whispered.

Her eyes darted back to Bellamy and the man.

_ She was trying to get away. _

Clarke quickly darted to the side of Bellamy, making the mans eyes follow her movement, away from the girl.

“You just beat on little girls, huh?” Bellamy took another step closer to him. “People who can’t defend themselves?”

“I ain’t doin’ nothin’ she don’t deserve.”

Bellamy clenched his jaw, trying to hold back his anger. “And what exactly did she do to deserve it?” Bellamy didn’t really care, he just wanted an excuse to beat the hell out of this guy.

Clarke didn’t hear his answer, because she watched as the girl ran to their truck, straight to the back seat where Raven had gotten in. She looked once more at Bellamy then back at their truck.

The girl was on the side that wasn’t visible to them now. Clarke took a steadying breath. She couldn’t lose it now. Not here.

She ran over to the truck, both Bellamy and the man too distracted with each other to notice. The girl was pleading with Raven.

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked, out of breath.

“You have to take her, please.” She cried.

“What? What do you mean take her?”

“I have to get away, but I- I can’t. Not with her. Please. He killed my mother and if I stay here he’ll kill me too.” Tears were running down her face and Clarke had to swallow her own down.

Her mouth opened, but no response came out. What was she supposed to say- supposed to do? This wasn’t something she knew how to deal with and her anxiety was rising. She’d taken on too much when she ran up to that man.

“You have to.” The girl pleaded. “Please, I’m begging you. He’ll kill us both and- and I can’t- I can’t take her. Please.”

Clarke looked down at the baby, who was blissfully unaware of the chaos happening around them. She found her hand moving on its own, pushing blanket away from the baby’s face, and she had to catch her breath.

The baby’s eyes were bright blue, and her hair was black and wavy. She was so small. Something about her just struck Clarke.

Looking at her, she forgot about the anxiety that had been building. She had to deal with this.

If they didn’t take her... then what? The girl is forced to stay and get herself killed? Or she runs, leaving the baby and the baby gets killed? She took the baby from her without even realizing she was doing it.

“Fuck.” Clarke whispered, her mind was racing in every direction, unable to find a good solution.

“Clarke?” Raven said in a panicked, questioning voice.

Her eyes snapped to Raven’s. “What do we do then, Raven?” She asked shakily. “Do we let them die?”

Tears came to Raven’s eyes and she shook her head, unsure of what to say. “No. We can’t.”

“Then I don’t see what other option we have.” Clarke told her.

“What are we gonna do? Take her to the cops?” Raven asked.

“Y-You can’t!” The girl said panicking. “They’ll find him and take her back to him. We’ve been in the system 6 times. Please, don’t let him touch her!”

“Okay.” Clarke comforted softly. “It’s okay. We won’t.”

“Thank you, thank you!” The girl looked down where the baby was in Clarke’s arms and then leaned over, kissing the baby’s head. “I love you, sweet girl.” She whispered and then looked back up at Clarke.

“Call her Madi for me. That’s not what he calls her but... let that be her name?”

Clarke nodded without a word, because again, what was she supposed to say?

The girl looked at the baby, Madi, one more time before taking off across the back of the parking lot with only a small backpack with her.

Clarke’s heart clenched for the girl, but she was better off wherever she was going then she was with that man.

Speaking of... She peaked through the window to catch sight of Bellamy, who now had the man pinned against the car. The situation was escalating quickly.

“Shit.” She handed Madi to Raven. “Take her. I’ve gotta get Bellamy before he kills him.”

Raven cradled the baby close to her chest and shut the door, her mind still trying to comprehend what just happened. “This is insane.” She whispered to herself.

“Hey!” Clarke called for Bellamy, but didn’t want to say his name. She didn’t want the man to know it. His eyes shot to hers.

“We need to go. Now.” She told him.

He didn’t feel done with this guy, but the look in Clarke’s eyes and the tone of her voice told him to listen. His eyes searched the area and he no longer saw the girl. His mind started to go into overdrive, wondering if they’d stashed the girl in the truck to get her away.

He shoved the man on the ground, angrily. “Keep your god damn hands off of her.” He said walking away.

He stalked over to the truck, slamming the door shut when he got in. “What the hell were you thinking running up to someone like that?” He asked Clarke angrily. “He could’ve turned around and swung on you in an instant! He could’ve hurt you! You can’t run up to people like that!”

“Please don’t yell at me right now, okay? I can’t handle it.” She snapped. “Besides, I think you’re about to be mad about something else.” She admitted quieter.

He was about to ask her what she meant when he heard a small babbling noise from the back seat. His head snapped back and eyes landed on the small bundled up baby in Raven’s arms.

For a moment, he didn’t speak and Clarke held her breath.

“What the fuck did you two do?” He asked quieter, but still angry. “That’s a baby.”

“You don’t think we know that, genius?” Raven snapped quietly.

“Guys, we need to get the hell out of here and have this conversation later.” Clarke warned as she watched the man pick himself up off the ground and start looking for the girls.

Bellamy looked up and got the point, quickly speeding out of the lot.

This was very bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you didn’t see that comin’
> 
> Also, hopefully you don’t hate where this is going, because it’s crucial to my plot now lol.
> 
> I was thinking about making a playlist for the story, but haven’t decided. Let me know if you guys are interested. 😘


	32. ~ Only Choice ~

“Son of a bitch.” Bellamy hissed as they sped out of the parking lot. “We’ve gotta take her to a- a hospital, or a fire station, or-“

“We can’t.” Raven said.

“The hell we can’t! Watch me.” He snapped.

“No, Bellamy, we _can’t_.” Clarke sat up straighter, turning to face him. “They’ll find him and they’ll give her back to him.”

He took a deep breath, his mind racing for a solution. He didn’t think that any of them were thinking clearly right now. He’d almost beat the hell out of that man. The entire thing hitting too close to home. And he knew it was hitting her too.

“Baby,” He tried to say calmly. “Listen to me-“

“_No!_ Bellamy, he killed their mother.” She said shakily. “That girl had bruises covering her body. She was running because she has no other choice!” He couldn’t look at her because he was driving, but he heard the tremble in her voice. “She doesn’t have what I had. She asked us to take her and not give her to the cops, so we can’t.”

He glanced at her quickly and saw the look on her face. And fuck, if he couldn’t tell her no.

He didn’t say another word, so she took that as agreement.

So then... _what were they going to do?_

Clarke looked back at Raven and Madi. For some reason she just wanted to have the baby in her arms. She knew it wasn’t safe though. It was already dangerous enough with Raven holding her in the back. She definitely didn’t need to be in the front seat.

She locked eyes with Raven who gave her a sympathetic look. Raven knew what Clarke had been thinking when she ran up to that man. She couldn’t watch the same thing that happened to her, happen to someone else.

The rest of the ride was silent, but it didn’t feel like Bellamy was fuming anymore.

Before they got home, Bellamy pulled into the 24/7 drug store. “You two go get some diapers, wipes, formula, and some bottles. They’re not gonna have clothes in there, so we’ll worry about that tomorrow.” He handed Clarke his wallet and reached to the back seat. “Give her to me.” He said gruffly.

He had clearly had a little time to calm down, but Raven still reluctantly handed her over and followed Clarke inside to grab everything they needed.

Bellamy sighed a little before looking down at her. He was almost taken back when he did. She was looking up at him with wide, blue eyes and he swore they looked just like Clarke’s. She looked so innocent. Oblivious to what shit had just happened and the horrible life she’d just been saved from.

But what did they do with her now? What they did was illegal. They technically kidnapped a baby.

As he looked down at her, he thought about Clarke, about the absolute hell that she went through. Now, here was this little girl, looking up at him, babbling softly, now safe from the same possible fate that Clarke had once suffered and he knew... they couldn’t give her up, couldn’t let her get back to that man.

The baby smiled at him and he found himself grinning back softly. She wrapped her tiny hand around his fingers and his heart swelled.

“Hey, baby girl.” He whispered and she let out a tiny squeak of excitement. She was maybe 2 months old at the most. “What? You like me?” He asked.

The soft cooing noise she made back at him warmed his heart.

Sometimes there were things in life you just couldn’t fight...

This was starting to feel like one of them.

“You just made my life a lot harder, you know that?” He kept talking to her. “What are we supposed to do with you?” He brushed his thumb across her wavy black hair and sighed.

He just watched her for a few minutes after that and kept moving his thumb across her head, wondering how the hell he already felt connected to her?

Slowly, her eyes drifted shut and her grip on his finger relaxed. He tried not to think about the things that could’ve happened to her- about the things that _had_ happened to Clarke.

The girls opened the doors and he had to stop himself from jumping.

“You okay?” Clarke gave him a worried look.

“Yeah.” He blinked. “She fell asleep.”

She nodded and put the bags down. “Here, I can take her.” She held her arms out to him.

He moved carefully, trying not to wake her up and placed her in Clarke’s arms.

Clarke and Raven switched seats so Clarke was in the back.

Bellamy kept glancing at them through the rear view mirror, trying to watch them together.

Clarke’s hand was running across the baby’s head, just like his had been moments ago. He saw the look in her eye too. Probably the same one that was in his... they were fucked.

When they pulled up to the house, they all sat there for a moment, maybe trying to wrap their heads around everything.

“Murphy is gonna lose his shit.” Raven broke the silence.

Bellamy sighed. She was right.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “I’ll deal with it.”

_ He hoped. _

One more breath and he opened the door to get out, walking around to help Clarke out.

Before he grabbed the bags from the store, he pulled her close, his arm around her lower back and kissed her head. She let herself lean into him and closed her eyes. He knew she was struggling and that she was upset.

“It’ll be alright, princess.” He said in a low voice to hopefully help ease her mind. “We’re gonna figure it out.”

She nodded and pulled back so he could grab the bags and they headed inside.

Bellamy walked in first and Rivers head popped up from where it had been resting Murphy’s lap.

“Hey,” Murphy greeted. “Took you guys long enough. What’d you guys-“ he cut off as Clarke came in. “What the fuck is that?”

Bellamy brushed past him and headed to the kitchen island to set the bags down. “What’s it look like?”

Murphy stood up and walked closer to Clarke. “It _looks_ like a baby. Why do you guys have it?”

“Long story.” Raven put her hands in her pockets and walked to the couch.

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.” He said sarcastically.

“Relax, Murphy.” Bellamy said walking back in the living room. He sat down on the coffee table and explained what had happened to Murphy.

Clarke’s eyes stayed on the baby in her arms the entire time. She’d sat on the arm of the couch and was gently swaying her back and forth.

“So,” Murphy said after Bellamy was finished, like he was trying to recount what he’d just been told. “Essentially, you dumbasses stole a baby.”

“She was given to us, technically.” Raven argued.

“You can’t just give a baby away!” Murphy stood up, irritated. “It wasn’t even _her_ baby. It was her sister. Jesus Christ, you guys are gonna get us all arrested!”

“What would you suggest we did instead?” Raven raised her voice to match his.

“You fucking take it to a police station anyway! Tell them what happened!”

“So they could take her back to him for the seventh time?” Bellamy asked, also getting worked up. “So she could grow up scared and alone, with no one but her abusive father? So she could be beaten and brought down her whole life? If you really think that we should’ve left her there, you must’ve forgotten the shit we just went through with Clarke!” He was yelling now.

Murphy dropped his eyes, the fight leaving him and Clarke closed hers tightly at his words. She’d had enough bad memories for the day.

“You know I didn’t forget.” Murphy said quietly, avoiding eye contact.

“Then don’t _stand there_ and tell me that we made the wrong choice!” Bellamy’s voice still boomed. “We made the _only_ damn choice we could’ve made and it’s done.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “If you don’t wanna help, then fine. But the three of us made that decision and we’re gonna deal with it. _As a family_.” He threw out. “You’re welcome to join us.”

With that, Bellamy stormed into the kitchen, keeping himself busy cleaning the bottles so they could use them and putting the other things away, leaving the rest of them in silence.

Madi had slept through all the yelling, which Clarke actually hated. She hated it because that meant she was used to it. Her whole life she’d been surrounded by yelling and fighting, and she’d grown accustomed to it.

Murphy sat there a moment before looking over at Clarke carefully. “You know I didn’t forget what happened.” He told her quietly.

She finally looked up from Madi and met his gaze. “I know you didn’t.”

He nodded and let out a little breath, looking down at the floor. “Fuck me.” He cursed, standing up and heading to the kitchen where Bellamy was still shuffling around.

“Can we talk?” Murphy asked, sliding into one of the stools.

Bellamy was faced away from him, getting a bottle ready and didn’t bother turning around. “I don’t know, Murphy. Can we?” He answered flatly.

“You wanna be a smartass now?”

“Works for you most of the time.” Bellamy snapped.

“Come on, man. Will you fucking look at me?” Murphy asked exasperated.

“What?” Bellamy turned around, dramatically flinging his hands in the air. “What do you wanna say?”

“Look, I’m sorry.” He tried. “I wasn’t- I didn’t forget. I just don’t want us all getting fucked up because we stole a baby. And it doesn’t look like you plan on her going anywhere.” He motioned to the formula and diapers.

Bellamy looked down at the counter. None of them had talked about it. What the next step was. He’d been thinking about it ever since they left the parking lot, and he was sure Clarke and Raven had too, but they all kept it to themselves.

“Do you even have a plan?” Murphy asked.

Bellamy swallowed. “I’ll have one in the morning.”

“You’ll have one in the morning?” Murphy echoed disbelieving.

“Yes.” He answered confidently.

“Fine.” Murphy said getting up. “I’m going to bed. None of us are thinking straight. But we’re talking in the morning.”

Bellamy was confident that he’d have a plan in the morning. He was already coming up with one. Or trying to.

He finished making the bottle and came back into the living room. Clarke had moved to actually sit on the couch, Raven was beside her, moving the blanket down to look at the baby and River was sitting on the couch with his head resting on Raven’s lap, politely waiting to see her.

Bellamy sat down on the other side of Clarke and she looked over at him, offering a small smile.

“I’m sorry I yelled.” He said in his gravely voice, because he knew she loved it and he didn’t want her to be upset.

“It’s okay. There’s a lot going on.” She gave a small, sad smile and shrugged. “Is Murphy okay?”

“He’ll be fine.” Raven said still looking at Madi. “He wasn’t there, he doesn’t get how it was.”

Bellamy nodded and looked down to the baby. “Did she tell you what her name is?”

“Madi.” Clarke said. “Well, she said that wasn’t her real name but, that’s what she wanted us to call her.”

“Madi.” He repeated and ran his thumb across her head. “She needs to eat and she’ll probably go right back to sleep when she’s done. Here, let me see her.” He sat the bottle down to take her and once he’d settled her, she blinked her eyes open, waking up.

Every time he looked at them, he thought of Clarke. It was instantaneous. “Hey, little princess.” He said.

Madi must have liked his deep voice too because she gave him a small, sleepy smile.

Clarke watched him, smiling at them fondly. For someone who had freaked out when he saw the baby in the back seat with Raven, he’d sure done a 180.

He picked the bottle back up and Madi took it easily.

Raven stood up and sighed. “I’m gonna take a quick shower and I’ll be back down.”

When Madi was finished, Clarke grabbed a rag and Bellamy put it on his shoulder to burp her. And he was right, because she fell asleep quickly after that.

Bellamy looked over to see Clarke picking at the skin on her thumb. Something she did when she was stressed. A lower form of self harm than cutting, but self harm nonetheless.

He caught her eye and nodded towards her hand, a subtle way of telling her to stop.

She sighed and folded her hands together to keep them still.

“What are we gonna do?” She whispered shakily.

“What do you _want_ to do?” He asked in response.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m scared, Bell.”

That wasn’t an answer. “What are you scared of, princess?”

She bit her lip, not looking at him.

“Hey,” he said soft, but firm. “Look at me.” When she did, he asked again. “What are you scared of?”

“I want to take care of her, but...” She shrugged at him with watery eyes. “What if I can’t?”

“You’re not alone. Clarke, whatever we decide to do, we do it together.” He told her. “Even Murphy, he just doesn’t know it yet.”

“I’m not okay yet.” The words were shaky and panicked coming out of her mouth. “I- I still freak out. I almost freaked out tonight and I still feel like I could.”

“You’re not going to.” Bellamy said calmly and confidently. “What you did tonight was not smart. It was dangerous and reckless but, God, Clarke, it was fucking brave.” He looked at her in awe. “And you were strong.”

She tried to give him a smile and keep her tears back. “I don’t want her to be all fucked up because of me.”

“She won’t be. She’ll be strong and resilient and brave and she won’t take shit from anyone.” He moved one of his hands from Madi’s back to grab Clarke’s hands. “_If_ this is what you want...”

“I’ve never once thought that I’d have a kid- that I’d want one... I’ve always been afraid of what a horrible mother I’d be, or afraid that maybe... maybe it’d turn out like him.” Her voice shook and he could understand why she’d feel that way. She didn’t want to put another person like her father out in the world.

“I couldn’t bare that. And there’s so many kids out there like her, Bell. They don’t get the help they need.” She looked at Madi, still sleeping soundly on Bellamy’s chest. “But _she can_. And looking at her, I can’t- I can’t give her up.”

He smiled at her softly. He knew she wasn’t ready for something like this- that _they_ weren’t ready for something like this. She was right. She still had anxiety attacks and she had bad days, so did he. But here they were, faced with it anyway and he was sure that even though they weren’t ready, _they could do this._

Raven walked back down and their conversation ended for now, but it was far from over. Raven fell easily next to Clarke on the couch.

Bellamy looked at Clarke. “She’ll have to sleep with us tonight, till we can get her a crib.”

Clarke and Raven both looked at him with surprised, but hopeful eyes.

“If we’re gonna do this, you two have to realize how much work it is.” He told them cautiously. “There are gonna be nights where she won’t wanna sleep, she’ll be crying or she’ll be sick. She can’t be left alone. _Ever_. Someone’s always gonna have to be with her. Her diapers need changed, she’ll need fed in the middle of the night, when she gets older she’ll have nightmares and wanna sleep in the bed with someone... We’ll have a kid. You guys understand that, right?”

Raven and Clarke both nodded.

He knew they did, but he needed to say all of that out loud. Needed to make sure that they were sure.

“I’m gonna figure this out, alright.” He told them both gently. “I’m not gonna let him hurt her.”

Clarke blinked back tears at that, because he’d said the same words to her and she knew that they were true. She was scared because this was real. They took a baby and they were keeping it. She didn’t know how he was going to figure it out, but she knew that he would.

“Don’t cry, princess.” He shifted Madi to the other side of his chest and pulled Clarke to him.

She sniffed a little and held her arm out to Raven who shifted in front of her on the couch so they were pressed together and rested her own head on Bellamy’s lap.

After a few minutes, he heard Raven starting to snore quietly.

Bellamy ran a hand through Clarke’s hair and took a deep breath. She snuggled further into him and before he knew it, she was asleep too. River curled up on the end on the couch, spooned between their legs.

He looked at each of them sleeping soundly on him and couldn’t find the heart to move any of them. Even though he and Murphy were technically in a fight, he let himself relax. Surrounded by the girls and River, all sleeping peacefully.

They’d figure out the rest in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to promise you guys I’m not going to forget about the mental health aspect of this story. They’ll still have a very real struggle.
> 
> I wrote 4 chapters rapid fire, then lost motivation, but I’m gonna try to get back on it tonight!


	33. ~ Safe Place ~

Murphy tossed and turned all night. He couldn’t believe what they’d done. They took a baby. It was given to them, sure, but that’s not the way the law works. That girl wasn’t a legal guardian and no one had signed over any rights.

That, combined with the fact that Raven never came to bed, meant he didn’t get any sleep.

Finally when the clock hit 6:00 AM, he gave up and rolled out of bed. He peaked in Bellamy and Clarke’s room to find it empty.

He really needed to talk to Bellamy. He’d said that he would have a plan in the morning, and well, it was morning, so he’d better damn have one.

There wasn’t really any good way that Murphy could see out of this. Bellamy was right, what’s done is done... but what was the next step?

When he reached the staircase, he paused, looking down at the couch.

They were all curled up together, Clarke’s head on Bellamy’s chest, Raven squeezed in front of her with her head on his lap, River draped across their feet and the baby was lying on the other side of his chest.

The sight of it made him feel a little guilty. He knew it was just a baby and he didn’t want to put it in any danger, but he had to think about _their_ safety.

He walked the rest of the way downstairs and sat on the coffee table in front of them.

River popped his head up, sensing Murphy and yawned.

“You ready for breakfast?” Murphy asked him quietly.

He popped up and ran into the kitchen, answering Murphy’s question.

Bellamy’s eyes opened at the movement, waking up surprised.

“Relax.” Murphy said softly. “It’s just me.”

He went to the kitchen without another word, setting Rivers food down for him.

After a few minutes, Bellamy carefully stood up, letting the girls heads fall gently onto the couch, and keeping Madi in his arm.

She miraculously had slept the rest of the night, but as soon as he stood up, she started stirring, soon wide awake. He grabbed a towel from the laundry room, then grabbed a diaper and the wipes, laying her on the table to change her.

She’d yet to cry and he was grateful for it.

He picked her back up, trying to make her a bottle and hold her at the same time.

Murphy watched him struggle for a moment from the kitchen island before sighing. “Give it to me.”

Bellamy looked at him unsure and then ignored him, continuing with what he was doing.

“Seriously, man. I can hold a baby. Give it to me.” Murphy tried again, but the annoyance was clear in his voice.

“Her.” Bellamy corrected a little too harshly. “She’s not an it. She’s a her.”

“Fine.” Murphy rolled his eyes. “Give _her_ to me.”

Bellamy watched him for a second, his jaw clenched tightly before deciding to hand her to him. “Be careful with her.”

“Oh, well there goes my plan.” Murphy said sarcastically. “I was gonna throw her in the air and see if River could catch her.”

“Don’t be an asshole.” Bellamy snapped quietly.

“Don’t cuss around the baby.” Murphy shot back.

“Because you care so much about the baby?” Bellamy’s voice stayed low, so he wasn’t yelling, but he was clearly angry.

“Jesus, Bellamy. Is this what we’re gonna do?” Murphy asked. “We’re gonna fight?”

“_I don’t know, Murphy_. I-“ Bellamy cut off sighing.

Murphy thought he was going to get his thoughts together and keep talking, but he just shook his head and kept focusing on getting bottle ready.

The baby squirmed and Murphy looked down at her for the first time. She was looking up at him and another wave of guilt ran through him. Looking at her, he could tell how Bellamy seemed so attached to her so quickly. “You wanna tell me why this baby looks like it could be yours?”

Bellamy spared him a glance, but Murphy was still looking at her.

“What do you mean?” Bellamy asked.

“I _mean_, she looks like you. You _and_ Clarke.” Murphy clarified. “She’s got Clarke’s eyes, your hair. Hell, she’s even got Clarke’s smile.”

“I’m not sure.” He admitted quietly. “But, it works with my plan.”

Murphy wasn’t sure he liked where this was going. “Which is?”

Clarke walked in the kitchen then. “What’s going on?” She asked sleepily.

“Just gettin’ her bottle ready, princess.” His tone immediately softer.

She nodded and moved to take Madi from Murphy, who sighed but handed her over.

Raven came in just a few moments later, sitting across from Murphy, but not willing to look at him.

Bellamy finished the bottle and handed it to Clarke.

“Well,” Murphy started. “Now that we’re all awake, any of you care to talk to me about what we’re gonna do here? Or do you plan on keeping it to yourselves?”

“Do you plan on supporting our plan?” Clarke asked quietly. “Or are you just going to keep telling us what idiots we are?”

She sounded hurt and there was that damn guilt again.

“Don’t act like that.” Murphy sighed. “It’s not like I don’t wanna stand behind you guys. This is just fucking insane. What are we gonna do?”

“We’re gonna give her a family. A safe place to live and grow, and she’s gonna be loved.” Raven said simply.

“It’s not that simple.” Murphy argued and Bellamy knew he was right.

“It is!” Raven’s voice raised.

“You guys are acting like this is normal. This _is not normal!_ What are we gonna do when someone asks who her parents are? When she’s old enough to go to school and they need her birth certificate? When she has to do literally anything and she doesn’t have a social security number? You guys haven’t thought this through.” Murphy said adamantly.

“I have.” Bellamy said quietly.

Murphy looked at him waiting for an explanation.

“I’ve thought about all of that. And I’m gonna work it all out.”

“How?” Murphy was trying not to get agitated by Bellamy’s lack of response.

Bellamy looked down and swallowed before answering. “Kane.” He looked up, meeting Murphy’s eyes.

Murphy’s eyes shot up to Bellamy’s. “I’m sorry, what?”

“What other choice do I have?” Bellamy asked. “You wanted to pull him in to get Clarke’s dad out of the picture. But I handled that without him... I can’t this time. We need him.”

Clarke stepped close to Bellamy, looking concerned. “Kane as in...”

“As in his old fighting coach. As in the ex-CIA agent, turned criminal.” Murphy finished for her. “Bellamy, you really think that’s a good idea?”

“He’s the only one I know that can get us what we need.” Bellamy said. “A birth certificate, a social, all the things you named. He can get us those things.”

“What if he asks for something in return? Because you know he might. And who are you even gonna put on her birth certificate?” Murphy asked, still obviously not on board.

“If he asks for something, then I’ll deal with it. And for the birth certificate...” Bellamy’s eyes shifted to Clarke and she already knew.

“Us.” She said.

He nodded to her. “Us... if you’re willing.”

She didn’t even have to think about it. “I am.” She nodded.

“You two want to claim to be her parents?” Murphy asked like he didn’t believe it. “Just like that?”

“You said it yourself.” Bellamy shrugged. “She looks enough like us that we can pass as her parents.”

“You want that responsibility? You know what that means? This isn’t a temporary thing.” Murphy said urgently. “Clarke, this is forever.” He looked at her like he thought she didn’t understand.

“I know, Murphy.” She said calmly. She looked down at Madi, who was drinking her bottle still. She knew this was going to be hard. But they’d all already decided last night. Together they could do it. She already felt like this little girl was her responsibility and obviously Bellamy felt the same. “It’s a commitment. Just like Bellamy and I. I love him... and I already love her.” She said softer. “And I know that you probably don’t think I can handle it and maybe you’re right, but... we can if we all do it together.”

Bellamy smiled at her softly and nodded again. She knew exactly what they were doing.

“Plus, we saved her from a life of hell.” She added. “This is something I want to do.”

“And you two,” Bellamy said looking to them. “Will be auntie Raven and uncle Murphy... if _you’re _willing.”

Raven looked at Murphy and reached over the counter for his hand. He only hesitated a second before taking it with a sigh. “Okay... I guess we got a baby then.”

Bellamy managed a smile and pulled Clarke to his side, rubbing her back. “I’ve got a phone call to make.” He said stepping out of the room.

Madi finished her bottle and Raven took her to burp her.

Murphy still didn’t feel completely on board with the whole thing, but watching them all with her was quickly changing his mind. And damn she was cute. That he had to admit.

If he would’ve had to guess what a baby from Bellamy and Clarke would look like, that’d be it.

“Alright,” Bellamy said coming back into the room. “We’re gonna meet with Kane tomorrow morning.”

“Who is we?” Murphy asked.

“Well, Clarke and I. You and Raven if you wanna come?” He said.

“I can stay with Madi.” Raven offered. “We probably shouldn’t have her out too much until we have the things we need.”

“Speaking of things we need,” Bellamy said. “We’re gonna need baby stuff... a lot of it.”

“Yeah, that we do.” Murphy sighed. “If I’m gonna be an uncle, I might as well be a damn good one.” He pulled his wallet out and handed his credit card to Raven.

Bellamy shook his head. “Murphy, we’re not asking you to-“

“I know you’re not.” Murphy cut him off. “But I’m offering it. Because she’s my family now too.”

The sincerity of his voice took Bellamy by surprise, so instead of answering he nodded.

“You three go shopping. Buy what we need. I’ll stay here with the munchkin princess.” Murphy offered.

“Do you know how to take care of a baby?” Clarke asked reluctant to leave Madi with him.

“I can take care of her for a few hours, guys. I’ll be fine. She’ll be fine.”

They still didn’t look too sure.

“Jesus, do you wanna write out instructions for me?” He asked annoyed.

“Just be careful.” Clarke handed her to him gently.

“You guys all really think I’m gonna be reckless with a baby?” He asked annoyed.

“Give her another bottle in 3 hours. I’ll show you how to make it and then we’ll go.” Bellamy said.

When they were gone, Murphy took Madi and sat on the couch. He put her down on the couch and placed a pillow on the side of her so she couldn’t roll and fall off, then turned on the tv.

He wasn’t really sure what to do with her. It wasn’t like she could play or watch tv with him. Did babies watch tv? He wasn’t sure.

She went to sleep relatively quickly. That was the good thing about her being so young he supposed. She was going to sleep a lot.

After about two and a half hours, she started shifting, waking up. He changed her diaper and went to get her next bottle ready.

Madi started wiggling, waving her arms and let out a small whine.

“Oh no, don’t start that.” Murphy warned from the kitchen, just before she started crying.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” Murphy went back to the couch and put his hand on her stomach, but it did nothing to soothe her. “Okay. Alright, come here.” He picked her up and put her on his shoulder.

“You’re okay.” He patted her back. “I’m making your bottle. It’s okay.”

He struggled to finish the bottle while she cried in his ear. Once he tested the temperature of the bottle, he situated her in his arms and tried to get her to eat. She wasn’t having it though.

She continued to cry and shook her head anytime he tried to put the bottle in her mouth.

“Hey, please stop crying, Madi.” Murphy begged. “I don’t know what to do here. What’s wrong?”

He knew she couldn’t answer, but he really didn’t know what else to do. “Your dad’s gonna think I can’t take care of you.”

That slipped without him realizing it. Maybe it was too soon to be calling Bellamy _dad_. But then again, that’s what he was going to be. And Clarke would be her mom. Might as well get used to it now.

He rocked her, talked to her, tried to change her position, nothing was working. River was pacing at his feet, clearly worried about the noise, wondering what was going on.

The front door opened and he let out a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

Raven was in first and walked straight up to him, taking Madi. “Is she okay? What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Murphy said as he gave her Madi. “I can’t get her to stop. She wouldn’t eat or sleep, her diaper is clean. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Madi continued to cry even with Raven holding her.

“It’s okay, Madi, shh.” She swayed her back and forth.

“Where are they?” Murphy asked.

“They’re getting the bags out of the car.” Raven said, still trying to quiet Madi.

“I’m gonna go help them.”

Bellamy walked in and heard her crying.

“What’s wrong?” His voice was immediately concerned.

“She’s just crying. Murphy said she won’t eat and her diaper’s not dirty.” Raven said.

He dropped the bags on his hands and took her without a word, pulling her to his chest.

“Hey, princess. I’ve got you.” He said, voice deep. “Shh, shh. You’re okay.” He swayed lightly and patted her butt gently while he spoke.

Her cries got quieter right away.

“What’s all this about, huh? You giving your uncle Murphy a hard time?” He kept talking.

Clarke stopped in the doorway, watching them quietly with a small smile.

“I know you’re hungry.” He said. “Just calm down and we’ll eat.”

Within seconds she had quit crying.

Murphy watched like he was in awe as Madi stopped crying, relaxing on Bellamy’s shoulder, then made a face of annoyance. “Really?” He asked. “A daddy’s girl already? What’d he do that I didn’t?” He looked at Madi like she could answer him.

Bellamy chuckled and shook his head. “Where’s her bottle?”

Murphy handed it to him and then Bellamy handed her to Clarke. “I’m gonna grab the rest of the stuff out of the truck.” He told her.

She took Madi and the bottle, and sat down on the couch to feed her. Madi took it easily now.

Murphy rolled his eyes. “Apparently all the crying made her hungry.”

Clarke smiled at him. “Maybe she was testing you.”

“Oh, she tested me alright.” Murphy snipped. “I’m gonna help, Bell.” He said walking outside.

Raven sat next to Clarke on the couch. “She seriously wasn’t happy. I couldn’t get her to stop either.”

“She’s probably confused.” Clarke said gently. “Her whole life has changed. Even if it’s changed for the better. She may have just been a little scared.”

Raven nodded and gently grabbed Madi’s foot. “We got you all sorts of stuff.” She talked quietly to Madi. “New crib, cute clothes, some pacifiers, and sooo many diapers.”

Madi’s feet started kicking excitedly at Raven’s voice, even as she ate. “Now you’re happy to see me?” Raven teased. “I couldn’t tell through all the screaming a few minutes ago.”

Bellamy came in, carrying the box with the crib and Murphy came behind him with the changing table.

“Are we supposed to put all this shit together?” Murphy grunted, putting down the table.

“Well it won’t be very helpful in the box.” Raven teased him.

“It’s gonna be a long day.” Bellamy said.

First, they cleared out the spare room, moving the bed that was in there to the basement for now, so they had room for the crib. They’d bought a rocking glider to go in there as well, a baby monitor, and anything they thought they’d need to make the room into a nursery.

Raven ran out to get them lunch and by the time they’d finished putting things together and got them situated, it was past dinner time so they ordered pizza.

Madi was asleep, tucked safely on the couch and River’s head was laying right next to her little body. She’d been awake a good portion of the day. They’d taken turns entertaining her with her toys, and she’d been perfectly content to sit in her bouncer and watch while they struggled to put things together.

“God, I’m jealous that she can sleep like that.” Raven looked at Madi from the floor where they were all eating. “I wish I could.”

“Clarke can.” Bellamy teased. “Fire alarm could go off and she’d sleep through it.”

“Shut up.” She laughed. “I’m not that bad.”

“Should I take her upstairs to her crib?” Raven asked.

“Nah,” Bellamy shook his head. “Let her stay down here with us a while longer. She’ll need to eat one more time before we all go to bed anyway.”

“I think she hates me.” Murphy said.

“She doesn’t hate you, Murph. Clarke said she was probably just scared.” Raven nudged him a little, because he looked genuinely hurt by it.

“She’s probably right.” Bellamy agreed. “She’s young, but she’s still aware and everything’s new.”

Murphy still looked a little defeated.

“You mad because Bellamy got her to settle down when you couldn’t?” Clarke asked with a teasing smile.

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Murphy admitted.

Bellamy chuckled and shook his head again.

“Hey, she didn’t calm down for me either, babe. Don’t feel bad.” Raven tried to comfort.

“She just needs time to get used to everything.” Clarke said.

“Are you coming tomorrow, Murphy?” Bellamy asked, changing the subject.

“Well I’m not letting you go see Kane alone, so yeah.”

“I’ll be fine if you don’t wanna go, Murphy. I can handle it.” Bellamy tried not to roll his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. You always handle everything, that’s part of the problem. I’m coming.”

He sighed, but wasn’t going to argue with him.

“Is this Kane guy so bad?” Raven asked.

“He’s not bad, per se.” Murphy said. “He’s just... He can be dangerous. He’s a powerful man and he uses it to his advantage when he wants.”

Bellamy swallowed and looked at Clarke. She looked a little nervous and he couldn’t really blame her.

“It’ll be fine, guys. Let’s not worry about it until we talk to him.” He said.

Murphy again looked defeated, but stayed silent.

“Thank you guys.” Clarke said quietly.

Murphy and Raven looked at her confused for a moment, waiting on clarification.

“For being so willing to jump into this with us.” She looked to Bellamy and he nodded in agreement. “You could easily leave and not give it a second thought but... instead you jumped straight in. Even though this whole thing is obviously insane.” She laughed a little at the end.

“Family sticks together. Even if they question the obviously insane decisions at first.” Murphy’s attitude lightened a bit, smiling back at Clarke.

Madi made a small noise, drawing all their attention to her.

“I’ll go make her bottle.” Raven offered and Murphy scooted closer to the couch to grab her.

She let out a small whine, but he pulled his knees up so she could rest on them and faced her towards him. “What’s up, little monster?” He asked softly. “You’re not gonna scream at me like you did earlier, are you? Because I have backup this time.”

She gave him a little sleepy smile and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling back.

“You know you shouldn’t be this cute, right? It’s not even fair.” He told her.

Clarke and Bellamy both watched smiling, but didn’t dare interrupt.

Murphy fed her the bottle and burped her, Bellamy changed her diaper and she quickly feel back asleep on his chest.

“I think that’s our cue to call it a night.” Bellamy said, looking down at Clarke.

“Yeah, I think we’ve all had a long day.” Murphy said.

Murphy stood and helped Raven up. “Let us know if you need anything. We’ll see you in the morning.”

Bellamy and Clarke went upstairs after a minute, laying Madi in her crib.

Clarke looked down at her and Bellamy wrapped his arms around her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder.

“Do you think she’ll be okay in here alone?” Clarke asked.

“She’ll be fine, princess. She won’t even know. And we’ll have the monitor right next to the bed. My side, of course. Since you wouldn’t hear it.” He teased her.

She smiled a little and nodded, but didn’t seem convinced.

He huffed a little laugh and kissed her cheek. “Come on, babe. Let’s get some sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finally found my motivation again. You guys might even get two chapters this week! This chapter lacks any real drama, as we’ve gotta work through logistics of the Madi thing, but we’re getting back into it soon.


	34. ~ Unsteady ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters as promised. I’ve been inspired, so I feel good about posting this and not getting behind!

Clarke was relieved to lie down, finally letting her body rest. Unfortunately, she couldn’t get her mind to do the same thing.

There was so much to think about. So many different things happening.

“You know when people say they can hear someone think?” Bellamy joked lightly.

Clarke sighed, because she could only imagine he _could_ hear her right now. “There’s just a lot to think about.”

They hadn’t really had a chance to talk about the whole thing alone. Since they’d left for the bakery the day before, they’d only had the brief moments when Raven was showering.

Bellamy scooted closer to her, pressing his body against hers and she leaned into him.

“Talk to me, princess.” He said lowly.

“I don’t even really know what to say.” She whispered.

“Clarke...” he paused. “I know we talked about it but... if you’re not sure, if you’re not ready for this or if you don’t want it, we can figure something else out.”

“I do want it, I’m just... scared, and worried. I don’t know what this guy is gonna ask you to do, but it sure seems like he’ll ask something.”

“That’s not something you need to be worried about. I’ll handle whatever it is, _if_ he even asks anything.” He tried.

“Like Murphy said, you always handle it. You shouldn’t have to.” She argued.

He took a deep breath. There wasn’t any other way to get what they needed. “I have to do whatever it takes to get those things. Without them, she’s not safe. _We’re_ not safe.”

“I know.” She whispered. “I just wish you didn’t have to.”

He sighed a little in relief that she wasn’t going to argue with him further.

“I wasn’t ever gonna have kids.” Her voice sounded far off and she was repeating what she’d said last night. “I want her but... she’s all I want, Bell.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t- I don’t wanna bring a kid into this world.” Her voice cracked a little. “I don’t wanna have another.”

“Hey,” he said gently, turning her towards him. “Listen to me... if this is it, if she’s all you want, then that’s all I want.” He kissed her head, trying to ease her.

“Thank you.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I hate that she was in a place like that. That she could’ve been hurt.”

His heart broke at the sight of her in tears, at the memory of how she used to be.

“I know, princess. But we’ve got her now.” He said.

“And I already love her.” Clarke admitted, almost confused. “How is that possible? The second I saw her face, I knew I couldn’t let her go.”

“With the risk of sounding cheesy,” he started softly. “Some things are just supposed to be... this is one of those things.”

“You want this, right?” She asked, sounding a little unsure.

He brushed his fingers against her cheek. “I want this. With you.” He confirmed.

She nodded and buried her face into his chest, breathing in his scent, letting it calm her down.

“I’m sorry I ran up to that man.” She said muffled by his chest. “That I was reckless.”

He rubbed her back and made a face. He wanted to tell her it was okay, but it really wasn’t, because in all reality, he could’ve hurt her.

“You _were_ reckless.” He agreed. “I understand why you did it, but please think before you do things like that.” He pleaded with her.

He felt her nod against him, then she lifted her head back up to look at him. “I’m also sorry that there’s always so much on you.”

He shook his head. “It’s okay... I’m okay. You help me more than you know.”

“I force you into situations where you feel like you have to protect me.” She said flatly.

He huffed a little laugh. “You’re not wrong.”

“You’re making me feel bad.” She whined, shoving her head in the pillow.

He pulled her back over, chuckling softly. “I always feel like I need to protect you.” He sobered up, looking at her softly. “You help me, I promise. And if anything ever gets to be too much, I’ll let you know.”

She smiled at him softly, sleepily, and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay.” He smirked and kissed her nose. “Now sleep, princess.”

“I love you.” She whispered, snuggling into him.

He pulled her closer and buried his head in her hair. “I love you too.”

Truthfully, he was more worried then he let on. But they needed to get past this meeting first and he didn’t want to add stress on her. He waited until he knew she was asleep and slipped away from her. He peaked his head in and checked on Madi before he headed down the stairs.

He was only half surprised to see Murphy sitting at the kitchen island already.

“Can’t sleep either?” Murphy asked.

Bellamy just shook his head and sat down across from him.

Murphy was nursing a glass of whiskey and Bellamy eyed it. Murphy stood up and reached behind him in the cabinet and poured another glass, sliding it to Bellamy.

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” He said.

Bellamy sighed once, grabbing it, and ran a hand down his beard before taking a drink.

“Are you scared?” Murphy asked with no judgement in his voice.

Was he? He was nervous, that’s for sure. Unsure of how things were going to go.

“I’m not sure if scared is the right word.” He shrugged, taking another sip. “I’m worried. I’m nervous, but... I’m not scared of Kane.”

That’s why Murphy was down here too, also sleepless. It wasn’t Madi, it wasn’t the stress of a new baby or the trouble they could get in for taking her, it was Kane.

Murphy nodded. “Yeah, you’re not scared of a whole lot... but maybe you should be.” He said carefully.

Bellamy’s eyes snapped up, locking onto Murphy’s. “You _want_ me to be scared of him?”

_“I am.”_ He said quickly. “I want you to be careful. To be extremely cautious.” Murphy pressed.

“You’re gonna be there, Murphy.”

“Yeah, because that’ll make a hell of a difference. You always listen to me so well.” Murphy said sarcastically. “I _know you_, Bellamy. I see the way you look at that little girl, and I see the way Clarke does.”

Bellamy looked down at the glass. “Murphy, he let me out of the fights... he let us both out.”

“That doesn’t mean anything and you know it. And I’m not gonna be able to talk you out of doing whatever the hell he wants you to do for this.” Murphy sat back with a sigh.

Bellamy thought hard for a minute, trying again to think of another way out of this. “If you could give me a better way-“

“You know I can’t.” Murphy shook his head. “I wish I could, Bell, but I can’t.”

“...I know.”

“You also know I’ll be right beside you, right?” Murphy asked. “No matter what you do or decide... I’ll be there.”

“I know you will.” Bellamy’s voice cracked. He was lucky to have the people in his life. “I’m, uh- I’m sorry that I- about how I acted.” He stuttered out.

“Me too.” Murphy said simply.

Bellamy sniffed a little and nodded.

Apologizes weren’t something they usually did.

“I was just worried about repercussions.” Murphy continued. “And I was worried about Clarke...” he admitted.

“About Clarke?”

“Yeah.” Murphy shrugged a little. “You’re... you’re steady, man. Even in the worst of it and even when you’re losing your shit inside, you’re _still_ steady. There’s not a lot that rattles you and if does, you process it, you compartmentalize. You may have a short damn fuse, but you...” he cut off and sighed, unsure if he wanted to continue, but it felt too late to stop. “You can take more than her, Bellamy... I just wanna make sure this isn’t too much for her.”

He took a moment to let all that soak in and Murphy waited to see if this was going to be one of the things that _did_ rattle him. More specifically, if it would piss him off.

“Don’t think that I haven’t thought about it...” he said quietly after a few moments. “I- fuck, Murphy, I worry about pushing her too far. I worry about whether she can handle it with everything she’s still got going on. If _I_ can handle it... If there’s something I’m scared of, it’s that. And I’m not just scared of pushing her too far, Murphy... I’m terrified of it.” His voice shook and so did his hand as he lifted it to drink again.

He looked to Murphy like he was lost, tears in his eyes. “And if I think about it too hard...” he took a shaky breath. “If I think about it too hard, I see her having a panic attack in some retail dressing room. Or I see her on the break room floor, bleeding with a knife in front of her- or at some party, high and self destructive and I- it scares me.” He wiped a tear away quickly and sniffed. “And then I don’t feel so steady.”

Maybe more got to him than Murphy realized. The shit with Clarke anyway. That was the one thing that shook him to his core. Murphy was trying to figure out how to respond to him when he spoke again.

“Do you think we can handle it?” He asked.

Murphy sighed and shrugged. “I think we can all do it. Together. Not one of us, not two of us. All of us.”

Bellamy let out a small breath and nodded.

“But you and I...” Murphy said, leaning in closer. “We handle Kane. Not the girls.”

He nodded quickly. Clarke could come to the meeting with him, he couldn’t stop her, but whatever was going to happen, she wasn’t going to part of it. “Agreed.”

“Good.” Murphy tipped his glass, finishing it off. ”Bellamy, Clarke is strong. Don’t think that I don’t think she is. She’s come so far. I just don’t wanna see her hurt. Same as you.”

Sometimes Bellamy was taken back by how sincere Murphy was. This was one of those times.

He stood up before Bellamy could respond. “Now go to sleep so we can deal with this thing tomorrow.”

Bellamy nodded and tipped his glass back, finishing off his own drink, then headed up to get whatever sleep he could.

•

When morning came, both Bellamy and Murphy had gotten minimal sleep.

Bellamy has gotten up with Madi early since he was already awake and Murphy had joined him downstairs shortly after.

By the time the girls woke up, it was time to leave to meet Kane. Clarke dressed quickly and Raven took Madi from Bellamy. “You guys be careful, please.” She told them.

“We’ll be fine.” Murphy kissed her head.

She gave a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

_“We will._ I’ll text you when we get there and again when we leave.” He assured.

“Love you guys.” She said walking them out.

The drive to the diner they were meeting at was almost completely silent.

“I can feel your anxiety, guys. Can we tone it down?” Murphy asked from the backseat.

Clarke sighed down and sunk further into her seat. “You guys made me kinda nervous to meet this guy.”

“You have no reason to be nervous.” Bellamy told her gently. “He’ll help us. And he’s not gonna do anything to hurt you. He’s not a bad man.”

“Just controlling and demanding.” Murphy said dryly.

Bellamy shook his head annoyed, but stayed quiet as they pulled into the parking lot.

Kane was already sitting at a table inside. He stood up to greet them when he saw Bellamy walking in.

Clarke watched him suspiciously. He was a clean cut man. A beard that was neatly trimmed, nice hair, dress shirt and shoes. He didn’t look threatening in the slightest. He looked like a business man. 

“Bellamy!” He smiled brightly, taking Bellamy’s hand in his. “It’s good to see you, son.”

Bellamy smiled and took his hand. “Good to see you too, sir.”

“And you must be Clarke” Kane turned to Clarke smiling.

She immediately looked to Bellamy for reassurance. She wasn’t sure if Bellamy told him her name, but she didn’t think he had.

Bellamy nodded to tell her it was alright and she took Kane’s hand. “I am.”

Murphy brushed past them and sat down in the booth without a word. Bellamy sighed and Kane turned his attention to him.

“Still has a sunny disposition, I see.” Kane said jokingly.

“Yeah.” Bellamy pressed out and guided Clarke into the booth before him.

“So,” Kane said sitting down next to Murphy. “What can I do for you young people?”

Bellamy looked at Clarke, not even realizing he needed her own silent reassurance for himself. He took a deep breath, looked back to Kane, and started explaining. “It’s uh, kind of a long story, but I’ll make it as short as I can... We have a baby that we need to get records on. Need to make records on to be more exact, and make her old ones disappear.”

Kane’s eyes widened and eyebrows raised. “And why exactly do you need that?”

“There was a teenage girl, getting abused by her father.” Bellamy continued and didn’t miss the way Kane’s eyes went to Clarke. “She had a little girl with her, her sister. She was running away and she couldn’t take the baby with her. So, we have her now. And we’re not letting her go back to him. She needs a social security number, a birth certificate. We need her original records wiped out... you can do those things.”

Kane took a moment to process the information. “Where is the baby?”

“She’s safe.” Bellamy answered. “Not in public until we can figure this out.”

Kane nodded his head. “That’s smart. But what you’ve done isn’t.”

“We’re aware.” Bellamy said as calmly as he could. “But it’s done... and now I need your help.”

There was silence for a minute as Kane thought. “I want to help you, Bellamy.”

Murphy scoffed immediately. “But?”

“I _will_ help you.” Kane clarified. “But I need your help too.”

“Forget it.” Murphy tried to move, pushing Kane out of the booth.

“Murphy, just wait.” Clarke reached over the table and pulled his arm down.

Murphy slammed back into the booth with a scowl on his face.

“The UUG is happening this year. In six weeks to be exact... I need you to be in it.” Kane said seriously.

Miraculously Murphy stayed silent.

“What’s that?” Clarke asked.

“The Ultimate Underground. It’s a fight that happens once maybe every 5 years. People come from all over the country to watch. Bellamy was champion at the last one... undefeated his entire career.”

“You know I’m out of the fights, Kane. I’m done.” Bellamy argued.

“My fighter isn’t good enough to beat him Bellamy. The people expect me to have a fighter in the main event. I need a good fighter.”

“Beat who?” He asked, curiously.

Kane looked like he didn’t want to answer. “Lincoln.”

“You’ve lost your fucking mind.” Murphy grumbled.

“He can beat him.” Kane said firmly. “Bellamy, I know you can.”

“I haven’t fought in years, Kane. You think I’m going to beat someone like that? He’s the only other fighter that’s never been defeated. I can’t win here. I’m too out of practice.”

“You can. And you have been fighting Bellamy, I’ve seen you.”

Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows and tried not to get pissed off. “So you’ve been watching me?”

“Of course I have.” Kane said. “You should know that I’d keep tabs on you. Make sure you’re safe.”

“If you cared about my safety you wouldn’t ask me to do this.” Bellamy tried not to raise his voice.

“The people will go crazy if they hear you’re coming back for one last night. If you don’t do this, I don’t have a fighter with a chance. I’ll lose everything.” Kane argued. “You’ve been fighting with Murphy and he’s good, Bellamy. He’s better than every other fighter you ever went up against and you win. You’ve kept each others skills sharp. Now it’s time to use them.”

It was Bellamy’s turn to scoff, shaking his head. Clarke stayed quiet, gripping Bellamy’s knee under the table.

“What if I do this and lose?” Bellamy asked.

“Then I’ll still be the man who brought back Bellamy Blake. They won’t care as long as you put up a good fight. Don’t go down easy. They won’t be focused on the fact that I didn’t bring a fighter that wins, they’ll be focused on you.”

“If I do this, you won’t ever ask me again.” Bellamy said firmly.

“You can’t be serious?” Murphy sat up straight, immediately pissed off. “Bellamy, tell me you’re not considering this.”

“I won’t ask you to fight ever again.” Kane promised, ignoring Murphy. “You have my word.”

Bellamy looked at Clarke, but he couldn’t quite read her face. “Let me think about it.” He said. “Talk to my family about it.”

Kane nodded. “If you agree, I’ll get you the things you need for the girl by the end of the week and your word that you’ll be in this fight. We’ll get you back into hardcore training for the six weeks... you’ll be ready, son.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know.” Bellamy stood up and offered his hand to Clarke.

He could feel Murphy fuming behind him as they walked out of the door and braced himself for another argument.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to show the relationship between Bellamy and Murphy here- how Murphy is more of a confidant then Bellamy probably realizes at times. I loved writing them together here and hopefully you guys like how it played out!


	35. ~ Just Makes Sense ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, so I may try to update again later this weekend.

Amazingly, Murphy didn’t say a word as they got into the truck. He did however, slam the door shut behind him as he got in.

Bellamy glanced at Clarke as he drove, but her face was still irritatingly blank. Glancing back at Murphy... well, he didn’t have to guess how he felt.

“Should I remind you that you said you’d stand beside me no matter what my decision was?” Bellamy asked carefully.

“I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it right now, man.” Murphy snapped.

Clarke looked at him in question, but he didn’t think this was the right time for conversation, so he stayed silent.

When he pulled up to the driveway and they got out of the truck, he grabbed Murphy’s arm. “If you’re gonna yell, or be pissed for a decision that hasn’t even been made yet, how about you do it out here? Not where Madi is.”

“Jesus Christ.” Clarke muttered softly, knowing this wasn’t going to go well.

“Like I don’t know what you’re going to decide?” Murphy raised his voice. “I know exactly what you’re gonna do and it’s gonna get you hurt.”

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence.” Bellamy snapped.

“You say you wanna talk about it, but you’re just gonna do whatever the hell you want anyway. And I know that. I think it’s fucking _stupid_, but I know you’re gonna do it.”

“You knew going into this he was going to ask for something, Murphy. And he did. You’re not surprised, so why I act like it?”

“I didn’t know he was going to ask you to fight the only other undefeated UUG fighter out there!” He yelled. “I-“ he cut off, taking a deep breath. “I told you that I was going to stand beside you and I will. But that doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it or that I think it’s smart.”

Raven had opened the door, hearing them yell. “You have to fight?”

Bellamy sighed. “I wanted us all to talk about it.”

“So let’s talk.” Raven said.

“Where’s Madi?” He asked.

“She’s upstairs sleeping. I have the baby monitor.” She said, holding it up.

Bellamy nodded his head for her to come outside.

“Is that the only choice?” She asked, walking up to them.

“Seems like it.” Clarke looked down at her feet with her arms crossed.

Murphy was shaking his head.

Bellamy leaned back against the truck. “If anyone has any other ideas on how we can deal with this, now’s the time to say it.”   
  


Everyone was silent.

“I don’t see a way around this. Unless we give her up, we’re out of options.” He said sadly. His heart skipped as he spoke again. He knew in his head they wouldn’t, but he hated saying the words out loud. “It’s not too late to do that, if that’s what you guys want.”

Clarke looked up at him and he could finally _see her_. He saw that she was scared, that she was confused and overwhelmed by what was being asked of him. But he also saw that she had confidence in him. He was going to do this. Murphy was right. It was never really a choice. 

He grabbed Clarke’s hand and squeezed it tight.

“Murphy?” He asked when no one spoke.

“You already know I don’t want to give her up.” Murphy said calmer than before.

“Then it looks like I’ve got some training to do.”

•

He and Murphy went to the gym, both to train and let out some frustration.

When he got home, Clarke was on their bed asleep, with Madi next to her. She was on her side and had her hand resting over Madi’s stomach. Madi had Clarke’s finger clutched tightly in her tiny hand.

He took a shower and laid down next to them, his hand laying over Clarke’s. She couldn’t have been fully asleep, because she blinked her eyes open to look at him.

He smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear. “Hey, princess.”

She gave him a small, but sad smile in return and leaned into his touch. “Hey.”

“How do you feel?” He asked softly.

“I’m worried about you.” She said honestly.

He worked his jaw and studied her face. She was waiting for him to speak, but he couldn’t quite make himself.

“You’re scared.” She whispered. “You’re not scared of getting hurt, you’re scared of hurting him. And if you’re scared of that, you _will_ get hurt, Bell.”

He swallowed the lump that had grown in his throat and closed his eyes, taking her hand back and squeezing.

“You don’t have to do this, baby.” She said firmly. She’d been driving herself crazy trying to think of another way around this, but she’d yet to figure it out.

“I do.” He opened his eyes and shook his head. “If I don’t... I don’t know what else to do. We can’t give her up.”

There were tears in his eyes. This wasn’t fair to him and she hated it, but he was right. What other option was there? Only one, and it would end in a death sentence for Madi.

He had to fight. They all knew it.

“I liked to fight. Sometimes I miss it and that’s why it feels good to get in the ring with Murphy, but I- this is different than that. I just don’t want something bad to happen again.” He told her.

“You have to fight.” She said, trying not to sound defeated. “But you cant go in there being scared of what might happen to the other guy, Bellamy. You have to think about yourself. You’re fighting for us and we can’t lose you. What happened before, was a freak accident.” She said more confidently. “It’s not going to happen again.”

“How can we know that?” His voice cracked.

“We make the other guy get a full medical exam. A clean bill of health as a requirement for you to fight against him.”

His eyes lit up a little at that. “You think they’ll go for it?”

“I think they’ll have to.” She said confidently. “If Kane wants you to fight, then he’ll convince them.”

Bellamy nodded a couple times, processing it. “Okay.” He said, his voice stronger. “I like that plan.”

“Good.” She gave him a small smile. “You’ve got this, Bell. You’re gonna be fine.”

He nodded and pulled her hand to his lips, kissing it. “We all are.”

They just laid there, silently enjoying each other’s company until Murphy yelled up the stairs. “Dinner’s ready!”

Bellamy sighed and ran his fingers down Clarke’s neck. “Guess we should go eat.”

She nodded and looked down at Madi. “Should we wake her up?”

“Yeah.” He grunted a little, sitting up. “That way she’ll sleep tonight.”

Clarke sat up and gently lifted Madi, stirring her awake. She made a little fuss, but quieted as Clarke spoke to her. “Shh, you’re okay, love.” She whispered, kissing the top of Madi’s head.

Bellamy stopped, watching them with a smile.

Even though he didn’t want to take the fight, this was worth it. His family was worth it, and he’d do anything for them, to protect them.

It just made sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys don’t hate where I’ve taken this lol. It’s going to get a bit darker again in a couple chapters, so fair warning on that.


	36. ~ Fighter ~

The next morning, Bellamy went to drop off Clarke at the shelter. She’d have to cut down on her hours now. Raven would take Madi in the morning, since her classes didn’t start until 2:00, and Clarke would take her after that.

Bellamy and Clarke both decided to stop working at the bar for now, opting to stay home with Madi instead.

Luna had things mostly handled at the bar, so Murphy decided he’d be home more and at the bar less.

“You gonna call Kane today?” Clarke asked Bellamy as they drove to the shelter.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Offer exactly what you said. If I do this, the guy gets a clean bill of health before I step in that ring.”

She nodded and looked out the window. “So you’ll start training with him then?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Probably early mornings and evenings.” He reached over and grabbed her hand. “I know you don’t like it. Neither do I, but-“

“It’s necessary.” She cut him off gently. “I get it.”

He sighed again and clenched his jaw. “It’s just a few weeks.” He said more for his own benefit than hers.

Even though they’d eased his mind about fighting again, there was still a lot running through it.

She squeezed his hand that was resting on her thigh as he drove. “I love you.” She gave him a small smile.

It made him smile. He knew there wasn’t much she could say to make this better, but he was always happy to hear that. “I love you too, princess.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” She asked.

“I don’t think so.” He made a face in thought. “I need to eat a little better. Try to bulk up a bit.”

Her eyebrows raised teasingly. “Oh, even more, huh?” She raked her eyes over his arms, smiling.

He laughed, feeling a little lighter. “Even more.”

Bellamy was fit, there was no question about that. He was broad and didn’t have too much extra weight on him, but it was more than he had in his fighting days. And he didn’t have a lot of time to get back there.

He pulled into the shelter parking lot and leaned over to kiss her. They got a little caught up, deepening the kiss, his hand going to the back of her neck.

She moaned into his mouth and as much as it killed him, he pulled back. “Tonight.” He said leaning his head against hers.

“Are you gonna home late?” She asked.

“I’ll try not to be. Kane will probably wanna start training, but I shouldn’t be later than 6:30.”

She nodded and kissed him once more, before hopping out. He took a deep breath and pulled his phone out to call Kane.

It was easy to get him to agree to the medical check. There was no pushback at all and Bellamy was grateful for that.

Like he’d assumed, Kane wanted to start training as soon as possible, which was for the best. So after Bellamy got off work, he headed straight for the address that Kane had sent him.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when he pulled up, but Kane had rented out an entire gym.

Murphy’s car was in the parking lot too. He got out when he saw Bellamy’s truck pull up.

“Didn’t think I was gonna let you do this alone, did you?” He asked.

“I was hoping.” Bellamy smirked at him.

“Shut up.” Murphy rolled his eyes.

Kane unlocked the door to the gym and greeted them. “Gentlemen.”

Murphy didn’t give him a response, walking past him like he’d done before.

“I hope you’re ready, son.” He told Bellamy.

“As ready as I’m gonna be.” He sighed with a little shrug.

“Well,” Kane said. “I believe I have the items you need.” He pulled out a folder and handed it to Bellamy.

Bellamy flipped it open immediately, eager to see the papers. He ran his fingers across the words on the birth certificate and smiled. He let himself be surprised by that for a moment. Just like Clarke, he’d never really envisioned having kids. Now here he was, happier than he ever thought he could be about it.

Murphy peaked over his shoulder and grinned. “It’s official, dad.” He clapped his shoulder.

Bellamy smiled, but shrugged him off. “I’ve been a dad for longer than I can remember.”

Murphy chuckled a little and nodded in agreement, then turned to Kane. “Where can I change?”

“Oh, you won’t be the one he’s training with.” Kane turned to Murphy.

“Why the hell not?” Murphy asked, annoyed.

Kane sighed and turned to Bellamy, who looked down immediately. He knew why.

Bellamy worked his jaw a couple times, before looking up at Murphy. “Because I’ll go too easy on you.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Murphy complained. “I can take it. You don’t need to go easy on me.”

“But he _will_.” Kane said. “He always has. Especially now.”

Bellamy couldn’t argue with him. Kane was right. He’d never forgive himself if he’d hurt Murphy. He’d gone easy on him in the past, but ever since they’d gotten back in the ring together, he’d toned it down a lot.

That wasn’t what he needed right now. Hardcore training was what he needed. Not babying Murphy in the ring.

“Bellamy, seriously?” Murphy looked at him like he couldn’t believe it.

Bellamy shrugged, looking torn. “I’m sorry, man. I can’t.”

Murphy scoffed and threw his bag down. “Fine.” He snapped. “I’ll just fucking sit here then.”

“Go get changed.” Kane told Bellamy.

He nodded and set off to the lockers.

Kane sat down next to Murphy and Murphy immediately turned his head the other way.

“You’re not making this easier on him.” Kane said.

“_I’m_ not making it easy? I’m not the one making him do it. _You are_.” He snapped.

“I am.” Kane agreed. “But you should be there for him.”

Murphy was getting pissed. “I’m always there for him, unlike you.”

“You know I’ve done a lot for him.” Kane defended himself. He’d gotten Bellamy’s mom out of jail more times than he could count. He made the man that Bellamy shot and killed, disappear with no signs pointing to Bellamy. “Now I need him to do this for me.”

Murphy just shook his head. He didn’t want to hear this.

“You know he can’t fight you like he should. Not after what happened.” Kane continued. “You shouldn’t ask him to.”

Some of Murphy’s anger turned to guilt. He finally looked at Kane, holding his gaze for a moment before nodding. “So who’s he gonna fight?”

“Someone he won’t be afraid to hurt.” Kane took a deep breath. “And hopefully won’t kill on sight.”

“Who?” He asked.

“Ah, so you decided to join us too.”

Murphy’s head snapped up at the voice. “Roan?” He looked quickly back to Kane. “Are you fucking _crazy_? You have to get him out of here!”

“I need him angry, John.” Kane used his first name in hopes of calming him down.

“He’s not just going to be angry, Kane! He’s gonna kill him!” Murphy argued.

“He won’t.” Kane said calmly. “But I needed someone he wouldn’t be scared of hurting.”

“Oh, you got it.” Murphy deadpanned. “How do you even know each other?”

“Roan joined the fights about a year ago.” Kane said. “He mentioned that he might be inspiring enough for Bellamy to want to fight him.”

“That’s for damn sure.” Murphy glared at Roan.

“Roan is the right size to fight him. Has enough skill to not get his lights knocked out right away.” Kane continued.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” Murphy almost laughed. “Are you forgetting the switch in Bellamy’s brain that flips when he’s pissed off?”

“What the hell is he doing here?” Bellamy’s voice echoed through the gym. He stepped forward quickly and Kane and Murphy both jumped in front of him.

Bellamy’s eyes were fixed on Roan, and he almost managed to barrel through both Murphy and Kane, but they held him back.

He pushed both of them hard, then grabbed Kane’s collar. “You better get him away from me, Kane. I swear to god.” His voice was low and deep in warning. And Murphy was preparing to have to pull him off Roan.

“Bellamy, listen to me.” Kane kept his voice calm. “You can train with hi-“

“I don’t want him anywhere near me!” Bellamy yelled. “He’s lucky I don’t shoot him where he’s fucking standing!”

“So you’re not afraid to hurt him?” Kane asked knowing he wasn’t.

It clicked in Bellamy’s brain then. It took a moment, but he let go of Kane, who calmly straightened his shirt.

“I know what I’m doing, son.” Kane said. “I need your anger to work with you and I need someone you aren’t afraid to rough up... this is it.”

Bellamy’s jaw was still clenched tightly and he shook his head, not wanting to accept it even though he knew Kane was right.

“Instead of killing him, _use_ him.” Kane urged.

“This is your fighter?” He asked, still angry. “The one that you don’t think can beat Lincoln?”

Kane nodded. “Yes. But he’s good enough to train with, Bellamy.”

“Yeah, not from what I’ve seen.” Murphy commented.

“I was drunk that night. You don’t know what I’m capable of.” Roan smirked, cockily.

“Not capable enough to win the fight.” Murphy smirked back. “Or else Bellamy wouldn’t be here.”

Roan scowled at him, the smirk gone from his face.

“Alright, that’s enough.” Kane put his hand up. “Bellamy, this is the best move.”

Bellamy shook his head once more, but knew it wasn’t a bad idea. “Fine. But don’t blame me if he gets fucked up.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Kane smiled.

It had gone relatively well all things considering. Roan was a skilled fighter. Good enough to train with, but certainly not enough to beat Bellamy.

He was the best option they had though. Bellamy took him out every round. Roan had gotten a few good hits in, which only fueled Bellamy’s fight.

3 hours later, they were ready to wrap up.

Roan was beaten and bloody. Bellamy was out of breath, sweaty and already sore. He and Murphy never fought that hard and it’d been a while since he’d trained to such an extreme.

But it felt good. It felt good to get back in the fight and not worry about hurting anyone. Because Kane was right, he sure as he’ll wasn’t worried about Roan.

He picked up his phone and looked at the time 6:25. “Shit.” He’d told Clarke he’d be home by 6:30, but it was clearly going to be later than that.

He dialed her number quickly and Kane walked up while it was ringing.

“Hey, princess.” He turned away from Kane. “I’ll be home in about 20 minutes. Sorry, it’s a little late.”

He glanced over his shoulder to find Kane watching him intently. “Yeah.” He turned his attention back to Clarke on the phone. “I’ll be there soon. I love you.”

When he hung up, Kane stepped closer and Bellamy moved to pull his shirt on.

“Do you plan on her coming to the fight?” Kane asked.

That made him stop, shirt midway over his chest. He hadn’t thought about it. He recovered quickly, pulling his shirt down. “Why?”

“Just wondering if she’d be a distraction or if it’d be beneficial to have her there.” Kane said. “She seems to inspire you.”

“We haven’t talked about it.” Bellamy said tightly. He wasn’t really sure if he wanted her around that kind of crowd. If _she’d_ even be comfortable. “But the fights aren’t exactly a friendly place. I don’t know if I want her there.”

“She seems quite capable, Bellamy.” Kane responded.

“She is, but...” Bellamy shook his head, getting a little mad. “If you’ve been keeping tabs on me, it means you’ve been keeping them on her too. Which means you know how her life has been. A place like that could be bad for her. So how about you let me worry about her, and you just worry about getting me ready for this fight.” He growled.

Kane smiled at his protectiveness. “You did well today.” He all but ignored Bellamy’s rant. “Same time tomorrow. You have improvements to make, but I still see that fighter in you, Bellamy.” He clapped his shoulder and turned to walk away.

Murphy came up beside Bellamy. “What was that about?”

Bellamy sighed and shook his head. “Just Kane being Kane.” He said honestly. “Let’s go home.”

•

Later that night, after they’d had dinner, and showers, and settled down, Bellamy fed and put Madi to sleep, then crawled in the bed next to Clarke.

She rolled to rest her head on his chest and let out a small sigh. His hand went to her hair and he kissed the top of her head.

“I’m ready for this to be over.” He sighed. “I wanna be able to just be home with you guys.”

She kissed his chest and lifted her head to look at him. “I know, Bell. But like you said, it won’t be long.”

He nodded, but swallowed. “Kane has me training with Roan.”

She sat up even further. “What?”

He moved his hand to her back and pulled her back down. “It’s fine. It’s- smart actually. As much as I hate it.”

“How so?” She asked, sounding a little flustered.

“He was Kane’s other fighter. The one who wouldn’t be able to beat Lincoln and at first I was pissed but, I’m not afraid to hurt him.” He said sounding relieved. “I can train how I need to because I’m not afraid like I’d be with Murphy.”

Her expression softened and she nodded. “So you’re okay with it?”

“It seems best, I think.” He said softly. “Kane says it’ll help me. I can use my anger to help train.” He smirked a little.

“Yeah, you do have that small temper.” She grinned.

He chuckled and pulled her in to kiss her. His hands trailed down her back, then slid under her shirt, running up her sides.

They both lost themselves in the kiss and he ended up rolling her over, pressing his body into hers.

She felt his muscles ripple against her body and it made her shudder, moaning into his mouth. Her hands went all over his body, feeling every muscle she could reach.

When she pulled away from his mouth, she kissed a small bruise that was forming on his cheek, then trailed her way down to his neck.

He made a growling noise and roughly pulled the shirt over her head so he could see her.

“Easy.” She whispered. “You need your energy for training.” She teased lightly.

“I’ll go easy.” He smirked.

She giggled at that and he narrowed his eyes.

“What? You don’t think I can be gentle?” He asked.

“Haven’t seen gentle yet.” She grinned.

He leaned down and kissed her feather light, carefully taking her hands and bringing them above her head.

It was something that drove her crazy and he planned on doing just that.

“Keep them there.” His deep voice rumbled in her ear and her eyes fluttered shut.

He moved down her body and hooked his thumbs in her underwear, sliding them off of her. Her breath hitched when she felt his lips on the inside of her thigh and she ached to reach her hands down and push his mouth where she really needed it.

“Bellamy...” she breathed out.

He didn’t respond, but continued placing soft kisses up her thigh, closer to her center, but not quite there.

When her hands went to his hair he stopped, looking up at her. “What did I say?” His voice rumbled.

She met his gaze and batted her eyelashes at him. “That you’d be be gentle?” 

He had to keep the smirk off of his face. He knew what she was doing. She was trying to see how far she could push him. See if he actually could be gentle.

He moved back up her body, firmly taking her hands and pressing them into the mattress. “What did I say?” He asked again, his breath tickling her ear.

Instead of answering, she pulled down against his grip. “I don’t think so, princess.” He let go of her hands quickly and flipped her, making her gasp. He pulled her hips towards him, so her ass was in the air and her face was on the mattress.

He laid a quick smack to her ass, pulling a breathless moan from her.

_So much for gentle_, he thought.

“Answer me.” He growled from behind her. “What’d I say?”

“You said not to move my hands.” She breathed out.

He smoothed his hand over where he’d slapped. “And did you listen?”

“No, sir.” She moaned.

His grip tightened on her waist at her words and he struggled to keep his resolve, his cock straining hard against his boxers.

“I didn’t think so.” His voice rumbled.

“Bellamy, I need you inside of me.” She wiggled her ass back and it brushed against his cock.

“You think you deserve it?” He pressed himself against her harder. “You didn’t listen, did you?”

“No, sir.” She said again in a small voice.

His eyes closed and he took a deep breath. “Fuck, baby. You know you’re driving me crazy?”

“Please, baby.” She whined. “I need you.”

He slid his boxers down, taking himself in his hand and dragging the head of his cock up and down across her entrance.

She pressed back and his grip on her waist tightened again. “Uh uh.” He scolded. “You’re gonna be good now, aren’t you, princess?” He asked.

She bit her lip and moaned, trying to still get body. “Yes, I promise.”

At that, he slammed inside of her, burying himself deep and she shoved her face into the mattress to muffle her gasp.

For a moment, he didn’t move. He wasn’t done testing her- seeing if she was going to listen.

It was easy to see she was trying, that she was struggling not to move herself to get what she wanted.

“Bell,” she gasped.

“I’ve got you.” He whispered, pulling out and pressing back in slow, but deep. “I’m gonna take care of you, baby. Just relax.” He soothed.

He pulled out achingly slow and let his cock slide forward, across her clit. Her body jerked and she let out a cry, so he repeated the movement, already sending her closer to the edge.

His hands slid up her sides, moving forward to her breasts. He squeezed them, teasing her nipples for a moment before taking one of his hands and bringing it to her clit, thrusting back into her.

The hand that wasn’t rubbing her clit, went to her hair, pulling back and he felt her walls start to tighten, her noises growing louder. He thrusted in hard one more time, pausing inside her.

“Bellamy...” She protested weakly.

“You don’t come until I tell you to. Understand?” He asked, voice deep and gravely.

She moaned in response, wanting to come from his voice alone. “I can’t wait, Bell, please.”

“You can.” He said firmly and started moving again. “Fuck.” He groaned at the way she felt around him, the way her ass looked, her face down on the bed, bent over for him.

Her walls fluttered around him again and he slowed down slightly. “Not yet.” He warned. “Fuck, princess, you feel so good. You’re so wet for me, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Bell.” She breathed out.

He groaned again speeding back up. Hearing her talk like that had him on the edge too. He let her hair go, lowering his body so his chest was pressing against her back, holding himself up with one arm. “You wanna come, don’t you, baby?”

“Fuck yes, Bell.”

He thrusted even harder. “That’s not what I wanna hear.” He growled and she knew it wasn’t, but she wanted to hear his dominance.

“Yes, Bellamy. Please, I need to. _Please_.” She gasped.

“Then let me hear you, baby.” He whispered in her ear. “Let go.”

She let her head fall against the mattress and stopped fighting her orgasm, letting it take full control of her body. She came hard and so did he, spilling deep inside of her.

His body couldn’t support itself then, so he let himself fall, resting on top of her.

They both lied there, catching their breath, Bellamy trying to gain enough strength to get up and quit crushing her.

When he did, he rolled over, pulling her with him so her head was resting on his chest again. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head, his chest still deeply rising and falling as he caught his breath.

“I don’t know if I want you at the fight.” He said, sounding confused and maybe a little worried.

She didn’t seem surprised by that admission. She’d figured he’d been struggling with whether he’d want her there or not, they just hadn’t talked about it yet.

“Do you think it’s safe?” She asked him, lifting her head off his chest to look at him. “Because, I want to be there for you, Bell. If you want me there. But, I don’t want you to be worried about me while you’re in that ring... so, if that’s what you’re going to do, I shouldn’t go. You need to focus.”

He swallowed and worked his jaw in thought. “I- I don’t know yet...” he made a face. “It wouldn’t be safe if you were in the crowd alone, but Murphy would be with you. I just don’t know if that’s enough to keep me from worrying... I do want you there though, I just-“

“Don’t know if you _want_ me there.” She grinned lightly, trying to assure him it was okay.

He gave her a small smile in return. “Yeah. I also don’t want it to be too much for you.” He admitted. “It’s a lot of violence and I don’t want it to give you anymore anxiety.”

She bit her lip. She hadn’t thought about that. It was something that would absolutely have the power to push her into an anxiety attack.

Sure she’d watched him and Murphy brawl. Her and Raven did the same, but they were careful with each other, and they did it all in good fun. The underground fighting was something different entirely.

It was a risk.

“It’s a lot to be around.” He warned gently.

“I wanna try.” She said strongly. “If you want me there, if it won’t distract you... I wanna try.”

He didn’t look too sure. His face was still worried and his eyebrows were pulled together.

“Murphy will be with me, just like you said.” She comforted. “If I start to lose it, he can get me out.”

“If I look over and don’t see you-“

“I’ll be okay.” She put her hand on his cheek. “You don’t need to be looking over at me anyway. You need to be looking at the other fighter.”

He took a deep breath and she kissed him.

“We’ll worry about it when it gets closer, okay?” She whispered.

He nodded and kissed her once more, and she settled back into him.

“I love you.” He whispered against her head.

“I love you too, Bell.”


	37. ~ Colour Me ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve had this chapter written a while. The point of it being to show some struggles with Madi and hopefully in the end, more of a connection.
> 
> One of my regular readers said they felt like something was missing with Madi, and I very much agreed. I struggled on the first couple chapters with Madi, trying to find a way to show a bond with a baby so small, and hopefully this chapter brings it out more. And also brings more of a realistic feel to it.
> 
> Reality is something that I really have tried to stick with throughout this entire story, and while some babies are very easy, there are still struggles.

Three weeks later, they’d fallen into an easy routine. Bellamy and Murphy got home around 6:30 every evening, on Saturday’s he trained a little harder, but took Sunday’s off.

They took turns with Madi, and overall she was an easy baby. They felt thankful for that. Clarke had her suspicions that maybe it was because she’d come from such a loud, violent place, that it was easier for her to relax here and she was content with her newfound peace.

Nights weren’t always easy though.

Clarke and Bellamy were both in their bedroom, Clarke quietly singing to Madi, swaying her gently back and forth. She was being unusually fussy. She’d started out quietly whining and was now almost full on screaming hours later.

“Shh, you’re okay, love.” Clarke tried to soothe, walking back and forth in front of the bed with her. She looked to Bellamy with tired and confused eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Or- or if I’m doing something wrong.”

“You’re not doing anything wrong, princess. I don’t think she feels good.” Bellamy said with his brows pulled together. “She’s not usually like this.”

“I don’t think so either.” She said. She felt tears well up in her eyes and she pushed them down quickly. They didn’t both need to be crying.

Bellamy looked at the clock. 2:41. He wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. He got up with a tired sigh. “I’m gonna grab the thermometer.”

They took her temperature, but it was fine.

“Maybe her stomach is upset?” Clarke guessed.

Bellamy could hear the stress in her voice and he knew she was worried.

“That could be it.” Bellamy agreed gently. “If she has gas, it could be hurting her stomach. She could have colic. Here, let me see her.”

She was wiggling against Clarke’s arms and kept trying to curl her legs up. It was clear that she didn’t feel well. Clarke handed her to Bellamy and sat down on the edge of the bed, running a hand through her hair.

Bellamy stripped her down to her diaper and Murphy and Raven popped their heads in.

“She okay?” Murphy asked, rubbing at his eyes. “You need some help?”

“We think her stomach hurts.” Bellamy said situating Madi so her body was resting on his forearm, pressing lightly against her stomach and proceeded to rock her back and forth. “Her stomach feels a little tight.”

“What’s that mean?” Raven asked, sitting next to Clarke.

“Means she’s probably a little colicky, unfortunately. Same reason she keeps pulling her legs up.” Bellamy said. “It’s not bad. We should be able to switch her formula and be fine.”

“How do you know all this?” Raven asked.

“Octavia was a colicky baby.” Bellamy shrugged and Madi’s screaming quieted to fussing, but she didn’t stop completely.

“Okay,” Murphy said, looking at his phone. “I found a formula for babies prone to colic. I’m gonna go get it.” He turned around and headed down the hall without another word.

Bellamy shook his head and chuckled a little at his urgency.

Raven popped up to follow him. “I guess we’ll be back.”

When she was gone, Bellamy started singing softly and soon, Madi stopped fussing all together and let out a little burp. It wasn’t enough to ease her stomach completely, but Bellamy was sure it probably helped some. He let out a sigh of relief and felt some stress leave his body.

“There you go, little princess.” He spoke lowly. “Feel a little better?”

“How does that help?” Clarke asked quietly, referring to the position he was holding Madi.

“Eases their stomach.” He told her, keeping his voice deep and soothing. “Colic makes their stomachs tight. The pressure my arm’s putting against it, combined with the rocking, helps relax her. Eases the pain some.”

“So it is colic then?” She asked with a little tremble her voice.

“I’m pretty positive, yeah. She’ll be alright, baby.” He said, still rocking Madi.

He heard Clarke let out a shaky breath and he looked up to see a few silent tears make their way down her face. “Hey,” he said softly, quickly coming to sit next to her. “It’s okay, princess. She’s alright. We’re okay.”

She sniffed and nodded, wiping away the tears that had fallen, but her breaths were picking up.

“Breathe, baby.” He wrapped his free arm around her, pulling her in and she buried her head on his shoulder. “Deep breaths.”

He felt her try, but it wasn’t quite what she needed. “Everything’s alright. We’re all okay.” His voice rumbled in her ear. “She’s okay.”

It took a couple of minutes, but he kept talking, his voice low and steady and her breaths evened out and her tears stopped.

“I suck at this.” She sniffed after a few quiet moments.

“You don’t suck at this.” Bellamy said firmly.

“I couldn’t get her stop crying. She’s been crying for hours and I thought- I don’t know, it scared me.” She shook her head, wiping at her cheeks.

“I know it did.” He kissed her head. “She’s gonna get sick sometimes or she won’t feel good. Just like us. Some nights she’s gonna cry and we’re gonna have to figure out why. That, or we just won’t sleep.” He ended off handedly.

“_You’ll_ figure it out.” She argued weakly. “I don’t know shit.” She chastised herself. She wiped her last tear away, but didn’t move her head from his shoulder. “I would’ve never known that.”

“There’s no way you _could_ know that, princess.” He defended. “You’re gonna learn though. We all will. I don’t know everything, trust me.”

He watched her hands as they started picking the skin around her nails. He pulled his arm from around her and grabbed both of her hands, stilling them.

She closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He looked at her softly. “It’s just a bad night.”

She nodded and bit her lip. “Yeah, I feel kind of overwhelmed. And I- I don’t know, worried?... and-“ she sighed and shook her head. “I just don’t wanna be bad at this. I don’t wanna be like... like my mom.”

“Clarke, you could _never_ be like your mom.” He shook his head. “Your mom never showed you that she cared. She never took care of you.”

“When I was little, when I’d get sick, it was one of the only times my mom would ever take care of me.” She said, sounding far off. “The only time I’d ever felt like maybe she cared...” her voice broke a little. “That maybe she did love me.”

His hand tightened on hers and he looked at her softly.

“But then it would just... all go away. Go back to normal.” She cleared her throat. “I assume it was just the doctor side of her that made me feel like that.”

“Not everyone is fit to be a parent.” He told her sadly. “We both know that.”

“Am I?” She whispered shakily.

“Yes.” He said confidently. After watching her these past weeks with Madi, he had no doubt about that. She’d lost sleep, she’d gotten up almost every time Madi woke up, even though everyone else had offered to help. She’d watch her sleeping, sing to her, feed her, change her. She was becoming a mother in every sense of the word. “Clarke, you love this little girl. I know you do. I also know that you want what’s best for her. You want her to be happy and healthy. Hell, you were just in tears because she has a little colic and that’s not a bad thing.” He moved his hand from hers to her face. “It means you care and I can guarantee you that she can feel that.”

She leaned into his hand and nodded.

“You are not your mom.” He said firmly. “You never will be.”

“You don’t think I suck?” She whispered, still worried.

“I _know_ you don’t.” He slid his hand down to her chin and lifted it so he could kiss her, then stood up, maneuvering Madi towards her. “Here. Put your arm out like mine, and let her rest on your forearm.”

“No, Bell, I don’t think I-“

“You’re fine, princess.” He said gently. “You can do it.”

She sat up straighter and took a deep breath as Bellamy handed Madi to her, situating her like he said. Madi fussed for a few moments and he saw Clarke starting to look anxious again, but then slowly as Clarke started swaying her, Madi quieted back down.

“See?” Bellamy smiled softly at her. “You’re a natural.”

She huffed a little, but graced him with a small, though unsure smile in return.

She looked down at Madi, her cheek resting on Clarke’s hand, her face red from crying. Bellamy reached his hand over, tapping Madi’s hand gently with his finger and she was quick to wrap her tiny hand around it, and let out a small, content babble.

“I know you said this would be hard, but you didn’t say it’d be so scary. And that I’d be so tired.” She joked weakly.

He gave her a small smile and looked back at Madi. “I think being a parent is always scary. Even when nothing is wrong.” He thought for a minute and looked up at her. “Just like us... loving each other is scary. It always has been. Now we’ve just got one more, very tiny, _very loud_ person to love.”

She nodded and gave him a small smile in return, then looked down at Madi’s hand wrapped tightly around Bellamy’s finger and her heart melted a little.

Madi was looking at him, blinking heavily, a tired expression on her face and Bellamy was looking at her with a soft smile on his face. She was close to falling asleep, but it was like she didn’t want to take her eyes off Bellamy.

“She really is beautiful.” Clarke whispered.

“She is.” Bellamy agreed. “So are you.” He smiled up at her.

Clarke gave him a soft smile and then ran her fingers gently across Madi’s head. Madi smiled at the feeling, closing her eyes. So Clarke repeated the motion until Madi finally fell asleep, her grip on Bellamy’s finger loosening after a while.

He smiled and dropped his hand, then moved to grab his guitar and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of them. Clarke slowly slid down the edge of the bed and sat on the floor with him, still holding Madi.

He started playing quietly and kept his voice low, so it was soothing for Madi. She seemed to love when he played. She’d always start to smile and babble softly.

_ “Here we are again _

_ Fading light _

_ Those gleaming eyes and freckled smile _

_ Light up the night _

_ Here we are alone _

_ My lips on yours _

_ The taste of candy and salt drives me for more _

_ Tattoo my heart with your ball-point pen _

_ Say you love me again and again _

_ There will never be an end _

_ To this love my dear friend” _

Tears welled in her eyes at the lyrics, at their meaning and she watched him, wondering how the hell she got so lucky.

_ “You, colour me _

_ You colour my soul _

_ Paint me red in places once filled with gold _

_ You, colour me _

_ You colour my soul _

_ Make me dream of things I never did once before” _

He slowly stopped playing and looked at them. Madi was still sleeping, thank god.

A tear managed to slip from Clarke’s eye.

He moved the guitar to the side and sat on his knees directly in front of her, wiping her tear away.

“Not bad tears this time.” She sniffed, with a small smile.

He huffed a little in relief, grinning at her, even though he knew that. “I’m glad my singing doesn’t make you cry bad tears.” He teased.

She let out a short laugh and shook her head. “Thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for, princess.” He kissed her again. “I promised that I’d make you smile everyday... I’m not gonna break that promise.”

“God, it’s annoying when you’re so perfect.” She joked lightly.

“Tell me about it.” Murphy agreed, coming into the room. “All right,” he put down the bags he had in his hand and he and Raven both sat on the floor with them. “So we’ve got some brand new formula.” He pulled it out and sat it in front of him. “We’ve got some colic drops in the mean time to help her feel better, faster, and _also_...” he said dramatically pausing. “A slow feeder nipple.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Google said it helps her swallow less air, therefor making her less gassy and could help prevent colic.”

“Look at you, Dr. Google.” Bellamy praised.

“I don’t think any sane doctor would wiggle their eyebrows at the word nipple.” Raven smiled.

Clarke laughed lightly. “Well, she’s already settled some, and I don’t wanna wake her to eat again, so we’ll just wait until she wakes up on her own.”

“Yeah, and she may not stay asleep if we put her on her back.” Bellamy said.

“So are we gonna have to hold her like that all night?” Murphy asked.

Bellamy shook his head. “No, I’ll let her sleep on my chest.” He looked and saw how late it was. “Although at 3:30, I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep.”

“And you have to train in the morning. Shit.” Clarke cursed. “I forgot, Bell. I’m so-“

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.” Bellamy cut her off. “This shit’s hard, but it’s part of it. Some nights we don’t sleep.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I’ll be fine.”

“Do you guys want us to take her for the rest of the night?” Raven asked.

“No, it’s okay.” Bellamy told her. “We’ve got it. Clarke may need your help in the morning though.”

“Not a problem.” She replied quickly before Clarke could protest.

“Thank you guys for this stuff.” Clarke nodded to the formula and drops.

“Yeah, thanks.” Bellamy agreed. “You guys should try and get some sleep. I know it’s late.”

“Or early.” Murphy smirked. “Depending in which way you look at it.”

“Night guys.” Raven smiled as they walked out, shutting the door behind them.

Bellamy stood and carefully helped Clarke up from the floor, trying not to disturb Madi. The last thing they needed was for her to wake up and start crying again.

They couldn’t sleep how Clarke was holding her though, so they were going to have to move her.

“Okay,” Bellamy sighed. “I think if we can get her on my chest without fully waking up, we may all be able to get at least a little bit of sleep.”

Clarke nodded. “Okay.” But she didn’t move. “...I really don’t want her to wake up and start crying again, Bell. Because then I’m gonna cry again too.” She admitted honestly.

“I know. Me either.” He lied down, careful not to disturb River who was sleeping quietly at the end of the bed, undisturbed by the screaming that had been going on before. Bellamy used the pillows to lay at an angle so he could be more comfortable with Madi on his chest. “But you can’t sleep standing up, with her on your arm like that.” He said. “Here, let me see her.”

Clarke moved as carefully as she could, slowly placing Madi on his chest. She let out a small cry of protest as she moved her, but Bellamy was quick to run his hand down her back and speak lowly to her.   


“Shh, shh. It’s okay, Madi. I’ve got you.” He took the pacifier from the nightstand and put it in her mouth, which seemed to help.

She settled quickly, not waking fully up and Clarke let out a sigh of relief.

Bellamy gave her a relieved smile too and then held one of his arms out for her to slide into, which she did immediately.

She laid her head on his shoulder and looked at Madi, sleeping seemingly peaceful. She looked so soft and innocent and Clarke was again reminded of the fate they saved her from. She reached up and brushed Madi’s still red cheek, then gently placed her hand over Madi’s smaller one.

Bellamy smiled watching them and bent his head to kiss the top of Clarke’s head. “It’s finally quiet.” He whispered. “After those first few hours I was staring to wonder if it’d ever be peaceful again.” He joked softly.

Clarke huffed a small laugh, but she was already falling asleep. “Me too.” She mumbled.

Bellamy pulled Clarke closer and she settled further into him, her breaths already starting to even out. He ran his hand gently up and down Madi’s back and took a deep, content breath, just enjoying the moment.

This was their first hard night with Madi and he was sure there’d be many to come. And he knew he’d be dead tired at training tomorrow. But moments like _this_.... Moments where it was just them. Where he had Madi sleeping soundly on his chest and Clarke nestled into his side, snoring softly, and River at his feet- he wouldn’t replace these moments for anything.

He leaned to kiss her head one more time, before letting sleep take him too. “Goodnight, princess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show Clarke have a little bit of a panic regarding Madi and I’ll go ahead and warn you now, the next chapter will be very dark in terms of mental health.
> 
> Hope you guys are all still loving it. Comments and kudos are always very appreciated ❤️❤️


	38. ~ Bound to Fall ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning. An intense chapter. The song that I sort of used for inspiration is Out of Reach by Matthew Perryman-Jones.

Octavia had lost it when they finally told her what happened. Even more so when they told her about the fight. Bellamy had put it off for too long and now the fight was getting closer, so he had to tell her. Plus, they could only keep a baby a secret for so long.

She was on the phone, screaming at Bellamy, who honestly just looked defeated. He’d had two people on his side with this and two people off it. And while Murphy had gotten on the other side of it _now_, he fought him at first and he saw how hard it was for Bellamy. They were making it worse than it needed to be.

Murphy grabbed the phone from Bellamy’s hand and walked to the front door. Bellamy didn’t even fight it, he just slumped back on the couch against Clarke.

“Octavia,” Murphy started once he’d walked outside.

“Put him back on the damn phone, Murphy!” She yelled, angry.

“No, Octavia. Listen.” He tried gently.

“No, _you_ listen to _me_.” She snapped. “This is a bad idea in just about every way I can think of. And you’re letting him do this?! Clarke’s letting him do this? Have you all gone _completely insane_?” She shrieked.

“Right. Because I have so much control over what Bellamy does.” He tried not to raise his voice. “What do you want me to do, tie him down until the fight is over?” He asked rhetorically. “You don’t know what’s happening here, Octavia. You haven’t seen them. It would kill them if they had to let her go.”

At this point, it may even kill him. He wouldn’t dare admit it though.

“Like it or not,” he continued. “She’s your niece now. She’s family. And he’s gonna fight for her...” He softened his voice. “I know that this is a lot to take in all at once. It was for me too. But... nothing you say is going to change what’s going on here.”

Octavia was silent for a few moments before speaking again. “He can’t fight, Murphy. You saw what it did to him before.”

“It won’t happen again.” He comforted gently. “Clarke’s got the other guy doing a full medical check before the fight. He feels good about this, Octavia. He...” he sighed a little, unsure if he wanted to tell her. “He’s doing really good. It’s not like it was before. He has Clarke now and it’s good for him to have this with them... you should see how he is with Madi. God, the way he is with both of them... he loves them...” he smiled to himself, thinking of it.

He’d been with Octavia through all of the fights before. To see the Bellamy before he was the man he is now and he knew why she didn’t like this. “He’s not the same person he was back then. Hell, he’s not even the same person he was a year ago.” He comforted. “But in some ways, he needs this fight. Plus, I think it’s good he’s been able to really let lose on someone again.”

He heard her let out a breath. “You really think he’ll be fine?”

“I do.”

“And what if the birth certificate and shit doesn’t work?” She asked. “What if you all get arrested and they take the baby away anyway?”

“It’ll work.” He said confidently. And he actually believed himself. Kane was legit in his dirty work. “He’s doing the whole shebang. Wiping out her old records, making new ones and inputting them into the hospitals, we’ve already got a social and birth certificate. It’s all good.”

She sighed and he could feel her giving in, even through the phone.

“You and I fighting him on this, just makes it harder and you know it. You also know it won’t change his mind.”

“...okay. I get it.” She said, sounding annoyed, but compliant.

“Don’t make this harder on him, alright?” Murphy said softly, turning to go back inside.

“Yeah, okay. Fine.” He heard her eye roll through the phone.

It was as good of an answer as he was going to get and at least she wasn’t screaming anymore.

“Let me talk to him.” She said.

Murphy went back in and held the phone out to him. Bellamy looked up to see she was still on the phone, and shook his head.

“Talk to her, please.” Murphy sighed.

Clarke pushed him lightly and he rolled his eyes, but sat up, grabbing the phone. “What?” He asked gruffly.

“When’s the fight?” She asked.

“It’s in two weeks.” He answered hesitantly.

“Then I guess I’ll see you in two weeks...” she paused. “And I’ll be ready to meet my niece.”

Bellamy blinked at her change of heart. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She said as softly as she could. “Send me some pictures, okay?”

“Okay.” Bellamy said and ended their conversation. He looked up at Murphy, a confused look on his face. “What’d you say to her?”

Murphy shrugged. “Just the truth. What I thought about it.”

Clarke looked at him from behind Bellamy.

_‘Thank you’_ she mouthed.

He acknowledged her with a small nod and Bellamy still looked confused.

“I didn’t think your thoughts on the matter were very good either.” Bellamy said.

“Well they weren’t, but... maybe they’re different now.” He shrugged again. “There’s a lot different now- we’re all different than we used to be... that’s not a bad thing. I’m learning that. It’s just taking some time to adjust.”

Bellamy looked surprised. “That’s very insightful of you.”

“I can be insightful sometimes.” He said feigning hurt, lightening the mood.

“So Octavia is coming for the fight then?” Raven asked.

“Sounds like it.” Bellamy looked over to Madi, who was laying contently on her play mat, music softly playing from the top of it and River laying on his side beside her.

“Well that’s good.” Raven tried. “More support for it. And she’ll get to see Madi.”

Clarke watched Bellamy carefully. His eyes weren’t moving from Madi, his arms rested on his knees, his hands were clasped tightly together, his jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were drawn in. Murphy was watching him too.

“What’s wrong, man? Spit it out.” Murphy sat down on the ground next to Madi, looking up at him.

Bellamy shook his head. “Nothi-“

“Don’t spew that bullshit at me.” Murphy cut him off, but then softened a bit. “You can talk to us.”

“Yeah,” Raven moved to sit on the floor next muring. “We’re your family. Let us help.”

His face relaxed ever so slightly and he smiled at that. “I know you are. I just- I don’t want you guys to have to worry about everything that I am.” He shrugged helplessly.

“But we want to.” Raven argued. “You’re always telling Clarke not to take on too much, but you do the same to yourself. It’s not healthy and it’s not necessary.”

He sighed because he knew she was right.

Clarke’s hand came to his thigh and he gripped it tightly, not realizing how much he needed to feel her touch until her hand was on him.

“I’m just worried about the fight.” He admitted, shaking his head like he thought it was ridiculous.

Murphy didn’t look surprised. “Of course you are. We all are, whether you think that’s a special feeling for you or not.”

“No, I know, it’s just-“ he cut off and turned to look at Clarke, still grasping her hand, probably too tightly. “I want you there. But I... I’m also scared for you to be there.”

She swallowed at the confused look on his face, keeping eye contact. They hadn’t talked about this since his first night training. “Bell, I’ll be wherever you want me to be, but you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’ll stay with her, man. You know I will.” Murphy told him.

“Yeah, and what about Raven?” Bellamy nodded at her. “You can’t watch both of them. Keep them both _safe_.”

“I’ll stay here with Madi.” Raven shrugged calmly. “I don’t need to go. I already know you’ll kick ass.” She smirked at him.

“Thanks, Raven.” He smiled at her confidence in him, but it faded quickly.

“Octavia can stay here too.” Murphy said, knowing where his mind was going. “It doesn’t matter if she throws a fit. She’ll get over it. She can stay with Raven. My sole, undivided attention will be on keeping Clarke safe.”

Clarke thought about telling them she could handle herself, but they way they talked about the fights, she wasn’t actually sure she could- or should.

Bellamy sighed, slumping back on the couch again and Clarke scooted closer, bringing her legs across his lap. “I’ll be alright, Bell.” She ran her hand down his arm. “I’ll stay close to Murphy and we’ll be careful. But I do want to be there for you. To watch you kick ass.” She smirked at the end.

It made him chuckle a little and he turned to look at her. “I’m glad you all feel so confident about it.” His face grew serious again as he looked back to Clarke. “I want you to be safe. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know.” She let her fingers run gently down the hair on his cheek. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

He swallowed once, hard. But nodded. “Okay.”

“You’re ready for this, Bellamy.” Murphy said confidently. “Just in four weeks, it’s like you never left the game. You’ve got this.”

He nodded again, this time in Murphy’s direction. “I love you guys, you know that right?” He looked between Murphy and Raven.

“Of course you do.” Raven said obviously. “We’re awesome.”

Clarke laughed and Bellamy felt his heart lighten at the sound, letting out a small laugh of his own.

He let his head fall back on the couch dramatically. “Fuck.” He groaned dramatically, running a hand down his face. “I just want this all to be over. For us to live normal lives.”

“We’re four grown ass people who stole a baby, and are now claiming it as our own, and one of us has to participate in an illegal underground fighting ring to illegally get legal documents for said baby.” Murphy deadpanned. “We’re never going to live a normal life.”

Clarke and Raven looked at each other a brief moment before snorting, breaking into full belly laughs, Murphy and Bellamy following suit.

It shouldn’t have been that funny, but damn if it was. It felt nice though, all of them able to let loose and relax, even for just a little while. Before the fight reigned in a harsh reality none of them really wanted to deal with.

•

The next week flew by, leaving only a week left before the fight.

It’d been a tough day for Bellamy. He’d trained for hours and even though he was exhausted, he’d ended up staying up for a while and spending time with Clarke, Raven and Madi. Murphy had to work late at the bar.

The evening went on and Bellamy gave Madi a bath, then put her to sleep and fell into bed himself.

Clarke sent River to bed with Raven so she wasn’t alone until Murphy got home, then followed Bellamy to bed.

Before she managed to fall asleep, her phone rang. She peaked at it on the nightstand and quickly declined the call. That was her mother’s number.

She thought this was over. She didn’t even know how she’d gotten her new number.

With a deep, calming breath, she turned off her phone and laid down, burying herself into Bellamy, trying her best to fall asleep and not see her fathers face. She’d tell Bellamy in the morning. It wasn’t worth waking him up over.

*

_ She looked around the room she was in. Her bedroom. Her old bedroom. Everything seemed dark and grey, and it was cold. She could see puffs of white air as she breathed out. _

_ Why was she here? _

_ “Wait.” She said to herself. “No. No this isn’t right.” _

_ She could already feel her breaths becoming panicked. She blinked and she was in her old living room, her dad stalking towards her. _

_ “No.” She shook her head and backed away, ending up trapped against a wall. “No, don’t touch me.” Her voice shook. “Stay away from me!” _

_ He stalked towards her in slow motion and she felt like she should run. She had time, but she couldn’t move. _

_ “This is what you get for not listening to me.” He spat, still coming towards her. _

_ His hands went to his belt, quickly discarding it and she tried to yell, scream, anything. But she couldn’t get any sound to come out and she was still frozen. _

_ There was nothing she could do anymore. He was on top of her, grabbing her arm in a crushing grip and yanking her towards him. _

_ “No!” She finally yelled out. “Get off of me!” _

_ She twisted her arm and managed to get lose from his grasp, then she bolted to the door. Tripping over herself, she jerked the door open, only to fall back as her mother walked in, shutting the door behind her. _

_ “Mom, please.” She cried. “Please, you have to let me out. We have to get out of here.” _

_ “You’re never getting out of here, Clarke.” She said tauntingly. “Not again. No one can save you from this. No one except yourself.” She pulled out a knife and handed it to her. “And there’s only one way to do it... only one way to stop it.” _

_ Clarke couldn’t stop shaking. She looked down at the knife in her moms hands. She didn’t want to take it, she really didn’t. But then her hand was moving forward, and then she was holding it. _

_ She looked to the side. Her dad was moving towards her again and she bolted up the stairs, running to her room and slamming the door shut. _

_ He must’ve been hot on her heels, because as soon as she shut it, he was pounding on the other side, yelling. _

_ “Stop!” Clarke screamed, pounding back. “Just leave me alone! I can’t do this!” She continued to pound the door with her palms. “Get away from me!” _

_ “There’s only one way, Clarke. You have to do it.” Her father yelled through the door.  _

_ She pressed her forehead against the door, shaking her head and letting her tears fall. _

_ “I don’t want to.” She cried in a whisper. “Please, don’t make me.” _

_ “If you don’t, worse things will happen.” He banged against the door and it started to give, making her panic rise. “I’ll break you even more than you already are!” _

_ She turned and leaned against the door, looking at the knife in her hands. Tears were blurring her vision, but she could still see the knife- Still see her open, waiting wrist. And like she was on auto-pilot, the knife came to it.  _

_ “Slice _ up _ the arm, Clarke.” Came her mother’s voice. “Deep. Get it done right.” _

_She closed her eyes and pressed_.

*

Clarke shot up with a silent scream, grabbing her chest. She looked around. She was home. Home with Bellamy. She was safe.

It was just a dream.

Miraculously, Bellamy hadn’t woken up. He had to be completely wiped out if he hadn’t even stirred.

Her entire body was shaking and she was covered in a cold sweat. “Fuck.” She closed her eyes and sniffed.

She was supposed to wake him up, she knew she was and she _wanted_ to. But her body didn’t do what she wanted it to. Instead, she practically ran down the stairs.

By the time she reached the kitchen, she knew she’d made a mistake. She felt her mind slipping further. She didn’t even feel like she was in her own body, like she wasn’t in control.

Somehow there was a whiskey bottle in her hand, but she didn’t want it. “No.” She whispered and put it down with shaking hands.

Then she was at the counter, a knife in her hand. She looked down and couldn’t remember grabbing it, couldn’t remember sitting at the island.

She dropped the knife, leaving it in her reach on the island and tried to breathe. “Bellamy.” She whispered shakily. She wanted to yell, but she was too weak.

_ ‘There’s only one way, Clarke’ _

_ ‘You’re never getting out of here’ _

_ ‘No one can save you from this’ _

_ ‘Only one way to stop it’ _

_ ‘Slice deep, Clarke’ _

“Stop!” She cried, bringing her hands to her ears. Their voices were too much. She couldn’t take it- couldn’t hear their voices anymore without actually hurting herself.

Then there was silence. She gasped and brought her hands down, grasping the knife again.

The front door opened and she knew it was Murphy. She didn’t look though. Her eyes were glued to the knife in her hand and she couldn’t move them.

“Hey.” Murphy greeted. “What are you still doin’ up?” He asked casually. “Is Madi alright?”

He walked into the kitchen and in front of the island to face her, putting his keys down. “I figured you’d-“ he cut off when he saw the knife in her hands and finally looked up at her.

_“Shit.”_ He cursed, freezing in place. “Clarke.”

Her face was blank, but her eyes were glistening. Her entire body was shaking, and he wasn’t sure she even realized it.

“Hey.” He carefully took a step closer, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart dropping to his stomach. “Hey, Clarke, can you look at me?”

She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and shook her head.

“Clarke, what’s going on? What happened?” He managed to keep his voice steady.

“I don’t know. I-“ she opened her eyes to look at him, but it was like she was looking through him. Honestly, it scared the hell out of him. She looked like she was lost. Confused. “I think I had a dream.”

Murphy’s eyes were trying not to focus on the knife in her hand. “Must’ve been one hell of a dream.” He commented weakly.

“And I still hear them. It’s- it’s _so loud_. I- they said there’s only one way to stop it.” She whispered, shaking her head. “But I-“ she cut off, tears falling freely. “I don’t want to.” Her voice broke. “But they won’t stop and I don’t know what else to do.” She cried.

His heart skipped a beat, then continued to hammer. She was talking about cutting. “Okay. It’s alright. You don’t have to.” He said carefully.

“I used to want to.” Her brows were drawn tightly together and confusion was written on her face. “Now... now I don’t, but it’s the only way to stop them. I don’t wanna hear them anymore.”

He needed to move forward and get that knife, but he didn’t know how she’d react.

“Clarke, take a deep breath. This is real life, alright. It’s not a dream anymore. It’s over. Nothing is gonna happen.”

“Murphy...” she said. “Where’s Bellamy? I’m scared.” She pressed out.

Bellamy. _Right._

“He’s upstairs.” He said, already moving to go get him. He paused though. Her eyes were on the knife. What if he walked up those stairs and she took the chance to cut? He could yell for him, but what if it panicked her? Woke up Raven and Madi, caused chaos, and she cut anyway.

“I’m gonna go get him, but I need you to promise me something.” Murphy said. “Promise me that you won’t move until he comes down here. Promise me that you’ll keep your hands exactly where they are.”

She nodded and that was as good as he was gonna get.

With that, he sprinted up the stairs. It was a risk, he knew that. Bellamy was the one that was going to be able to help her though, so he didn’t have a choice. He skidded to a stop in the bedroom, almost falling onto Bellamy as he did. He grabbed his shoulder and shook him hard.

Bellamy bolted up, confused. “What? What is it?”

“You’ve gotta get downstairs. Right now. It’s Clarke.” Murphy tried to keep the panic out of his voice, but he knew it didn’t work.

Bellamy’s eyes darted to Clarke’s side of the bed to find it empty. He didn’t ask Murphy anymore questions, just ran down the stairs, Murphy on his tail.

He saw her sitting at the island and he thought for a second that he’d be able to breathe, but he rounded the island and found out otherwise.

The whiskey bottle was the first thing his eyes landed on and then he saw the knife, her fingers clutched tightly around the handle. His heart dropped to his stomach, panic rising in his chest and he immediately felt sick.

He’d never get used to seeing this. Never get used to seeing her with a knife in her hands, ready to cut into her own skin.

Her wrists were in a position that he couldn’t really see, but there was no blood on the island from what he could tell.

“Princess?” He called to her, his voice a little uneven.

Her eyes were still on the knife and they didn’t move at his voice. The look in her eyes broke him. He hated seeing her like this. She opened her mouth, tears still falling, but no noise came out.

He looked at Murphy and swallowed. Murphy moved one of his arms up, taking in a deep breath, then brought it back down on an exhale. He was reminding Bellamy to breathe.

Bellamy took a deep breath, then looked back to Clarke. He felt like his heart was going to explode, but he had to push it down.

“Look at me, princess. I’m right here.” His voice was steady now. He knew it had to be. Had to be confident and firm, no matter how badly he felt he could break down too.

“I heard them.” She whispered, confused. “They were so loud and they were yelling. I couldn’t- I couldn’t stop them.”

“Clarke, look at me.” He tried again. “Can you hear me?”

“They told me I had to do it, Bell.” She cried.

“Who told you?” He asked, taking a step closer to her side of the island. He didn’t have to ask what they told her, because guessing by the knife, he already knew.

“My parents.” Her eyes still didn’t move.

Bellamy looked at Murphy in question.

_‘Dream’_ he mouthed.

“But I don’t want to.” She cried and finally looked up at him.

He had to swallow down the lump growing in his throat. It’d been a long time since she’d looked so lost- looked so far away.   


“Baby, you don’t have to. It wasn’t real.” He ignored the fact that his heart was trying to rip its way through his chest and stepped all the way around the island, trusting his touch would be enough to calm her down. If he could get his arms around her, if he could grab the knife, she wouldn’t be able to hurt herself. “I know you don’t want to.”

His hand came to her back and she leaned into it, closing her eyes again.

“It wasn’t real.” She whispered it like it was a confirmation to herself.

“It wasn’t real.” He repeated confidently. “It’s alright, princess. It was a bad dream. It’s just us here. We’re home.” He stepped into her, pressing his body against hers. “Look at me, baby.” One of his hands came to the side of her face, guiding it to his, and the other went over her hand with the knife. He felt his heart break when she looked into his eyes, but pushed it aside. _“I’ve got you.”_ He said strongly.

She nodded ever so slightly and he pulled her off of the stool gently, taking the knife out of her hands and letting it fall to the counter. She wrapped her arms around his neck and fell into his arms with a sob.

Bellamy caught Murphy’s eye and nodded to the knife. Murphy quickly leaned over the island and snatched it up, putting it in a drawer.

He closed his eyes in relief and put his hand on Clarke’s head, holding her to his chest. She was holding onto him with a death grip and her sobs were coming faster.

“I’m so sorry, Bell.” She cried into his chest. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t-“

“Shh, shh. It’s okay, princess. You didn’t do anything. You’re right here. You’re okay.” He talked lowly, hoping it would calm her like it usually did. “You didn’t do it.”

Her legs seemed to give out and Bellamy easily scooped her into his arms, walking to the couch.

She curled into him and he wrapped her safely in his arms, running a hand up and down her back.

“You’ve gotta slow down, baby. Breathe.” He tried gently.

Her sobs were coming too hard, too fast.

“Clarke, follow my breaths.” His voice wasn’t mean, but it left no room for argument. It didn’t seem like she heard him though, because she made no effort to slow herself down.

“Listen to me, Clarke.” He tried to say firmly, but still soft. “I’ve got you. You didn’t do it. You’re still right here.” He pushed her back enough to place his head against hers. She kept her eyes closed, but she could feel him and he knew that’d help ground her. “You have to breathe with me. You hear me?”

She wasn’t getting enough air and it was making him nervous.

He must’ve been firm enough to get her to listen, because on his next deep breath, she did her best to copy.

Her hand went to his chest and he knew what she wanted. She wanted to feel it- _needed_ to feel it rise and fall. So he pulled in another exaggerated breath and let it back out. Hers was shaky and uneven, but she did it.

He moved his hand from her back, to the side of her face, his hand covering it.

Madi started crying softly upstairs and Bellamy closed his eyes, hoping it wouldn’t send Clarke spiraling.

He heard Murphy move, running quickly up the stairs to Madi, and Bellamy hurried to talk in hopes to keep Clarke’s attention. “I’m here, princess. Keep breathing. You’re doing good.” He pulled back slightly to kiss her forehead and she took the opportunity to bury her head into the side of his neck.

She was still crying, but her breathing was slower and more controlled.

He ran his hand up and down her arm with enough pressure for her to really feel him. He knew she needed to feel safe and that’s what would do it. “No one is going to hurt you, Clarke. I swear to you. I’m right here. I’ve got you. It was all a bad dream.”

“I didn’t mean to.” She said weakly. She was calmer now, no longer sobbing, just almost silent tears. “I shouldn’t have come down here. I’m sorry.”

His fingers ran through her hair and kissed the top of her head. “You don’t have to talk right now, baby. Just listen to me.” He said deeply. “I’m not mad at you. I’d never be mad at you for something like this. You’re home and you’re safe. You know nothing either of your parents say is true. You remember that, right?”

She nodded and sniffed softly.

“Good. And you know it wasn’t real? That it was just a dream?”

She nodded again and her grip on him tightened even more.

His heart rate was slowly returning to something that wasn’t bordering on a heart attack level.

“Let’s go upstairs, okay?” He didn’t wait for an answer, just maneuvered her so it was easier for him to stand up with her in his arms and started to walk up the stairs.

Times like these she seemed so small and so fragile that he had to remind himself he wasn’t going to hurt her. That she wouldn’t break in his arms. At least not physically.

It hurt to see her like this. Especially seeing that knife in her hands. They’d come so far that this felt like slipping back into the past. A past he didn’t want to go back to. A past that he was afraid of.

He’d tried to prepare himself for things like this, just in case they happened. That didn’t make it any less terrifying when it did actually happen though.

All he could do now was bring her back from the chaos that had to have been swirling in her head. So he placed her on the bed and crawled in behind her, spooning himself against her back and wrapping his arm tightly around her ribs, pressing firmly so she could feel him.

It made her feel safe and that was all she needed right now. He held her as tightly as he could without fear of hurting her and just talked lowly in her ear, kissing her hair every few minutes.

Her tears slowly stopped and her breaths evened out. She’d fallen back asleep and he wasn’t about to even _think_ about letting her go.

He was mad at himself for not waking up, for not feeling her move. This was a breakdown, the worst one she’d had in a long time and he’d been up here sleeping. He lifted his head to look at the clock. 3:56. He was going to call Kane and cancel training in the morning.

Kane wouldn’t be happy about it, but there was no way he was leaving Clarke, so he didn’t really care.

He turned his head to look at the nightstand. Murphy had taken the baby monitor and he sighed in relief. He was once again finding himself eternally grateful for Murphy and Raven. And on a worse note, reminded of the harsh reality of what Clarke’s parents had done to her.

He wasn’t getting anymore sleep tonight. He didn’t dare fall asleep and let something else bad happen.

Now his mind was running through all the what-ifs and he couldn’t seem to stop it.

What if he’d woken up and stopped her before she made it downstairs? Could he have kept her from slipping so far?

What if Murphy hadn’t come home and seen her? Would she have kept slipping until she cut? Would she have listened to her parents voices in her head?

What if she’d taken the knife to her wrist the minute Murphy ran upstairs to get him and what if he’d run down those stairs to find her bleeding already?

“Fuck.” He cursed almost silently.

There was nothing he could do about it now, but his mind was running wildly anyway.

A few silent tears fell, but he didn’t make a move to wipe them away. There was no one but him and Clarke in the dark. He didn’t want to move his arm from around her. And he deserved to be able to cry anyway. Watching her fall apart like that would always be the hardest thing in the world for him to see. The thing that would always hurt him the most.

He kissed her hair and buried his face into it, trying to breathe.

Nights like tonight were the ones he’d probably dread for the rest of his life. No matter how much better she’d get, he didn’t think the feeling of fear that something like this would happen would ever go away. And that was something he’d accepted.

But like always, he knew, he’d never stop fighting for her. Never stop keeping her safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter a couple times and it took some time to get just right. But I do like how it turned out. I’d love your feedback. Unfortunately, sometimes people slip. Mental health issues don’t just go away. It’s a constant battle and a lot of ups and downs. And I’ve tried to portray that the best I know how. Thank you guys 💙


	39. ~ Breathe Me ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late posting, sorry! Thank you guys for the feedback on the last chapter. You guys are the best 💙 song inspiration is Breathe Me by Sia

He watched the sun rise through the window, slowly starting to fill the room with warmth.

Clarke was sleeping peacefully on his chest. All the fear and pain and confusion that was on her face last night, now just a memory. He was running his fingers through her hair rhythmically, with no plans to wake her.

There was a gentle knock on the door and Murphy peaked his head in. “Hey.” He padded in and sat at the end of the bed. “You sleep any?” He asked quietly.

Bellamy just shook his head, still moving his fingers through her hair.

“I figured.” Murphy sighed softly. “You wanna talk about it?”

Bellamy swallowed hard and Murphy saw his jaw work a few times.

“I don’t know.” He answered after a moment.

“Okay.” Murphy nodded in acceptance. “I texted Kane and told him you couldn’t train today.”

Bellamy let out a little sigh of relief and nodded. “Thanks.” He knew that probably wasn’t an easy conversation.

“Did she say anything?” Murphy asked.

He shook his head. “No... She just cried until she fell asleep.” His voice cracked.

“Bell, listen to me.” Murphy scooted a little closer. “This isn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

“Isn’t it though?” Bellamy countered quickly. “If I would’ve woken up, I probably could’ve stopped her. It wouldn’t have gotten that far. She wouldn’t have been that... that _lost_ .”

Now it was Murphy’s turn to swallow, remembering exactly how lost Clarke had looked. He regained his bearings quickly though. “Or it wouldn’t have made a difference. You don’t know. So there’s no point in beating yourself up about something that’s just a speculation and something you can’t change.”

Bellamy shook his head and Murphy was a little surprised when he saw a tear fall.

“I hate seeing her like that, Murphy.” He breathed out shakily. “It kills me.”

“I know, man.”

“She’s doing so good, you know?” Bellamy continued. “Really fucking good... but I know... I know it only takes one bad dream to get in her head again.”

“She’ll still be good, Bell.” Murphy comforted. “You know she’ll wake up, she’ll talk to you and she’ll get past it. Just like she always does.”

“She shouldn’t have to.” Bellamy argued. “It’s just... just the times that it happens like that, I wanna be there to stop it. To help her and I- I feel like it could’ve been really bad last night and it could’ve been my fault, because I wasn’t there.”

“You were still there. And it was a dream, Bellamy.” Murphy said firmly. “She isn’t in the place she was before. We both know it. Last night she was still stuck in that dream when she woke up. Like she couldn’t get out. She felt like it was real. You saw her.”

Bellamy nodded, but didn’t look anywhere near convinced and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Every time it happens, I think... this could be the time I lose her. And then I would... then I don’t know what I’d do.” He said weakly. “She’s my life, Murphy.”

“Bellamy.” Murphy waited until he finally looked back at him. “She didn’t want to do it. And she didn’t. _She didn’t cut_. That dream fucked with her, but she still didn’t wanna do it. Keep that in mind, okay. Remember that. She’s strong.”

Another tear fell from Bellamy’s eye and he was quick to wipe it away. “It’s fuckin’ scary.” Bellamy said thickly. “And now we’ve got Madi and I can’t- I can’t do any of this without her. Murphy, _I need her_.” He let that hang in the air a moment before speaking again. “Sometimes I think that maybe I took on too much.” Bellamy shook his head. “Because if I lost her, I don’t think I could keep going either.”

“You’re strong too, Bellamy.” Murphy said firmly. “But you are _not_ going to lose her. She’s here. Right there in your arms. And she needs you too... This was a shitty thing, but it’s not gonna hold you guys back. I know it won’t.”

“Okay.” Bellamy looked a little more relaxed.

“Okay.” Murphy nodded. He looked around and took a deep breath. “Rave and I have got Madi today. We’re gonna hang out at the park, have some lunch. We’ll take River too.” He said getting up. “You guys take the day for yourselves.”

He walked towards the door, but paused as Bellamy called his name. “Murphy...”

Murphy turned to look at him.

“Thank you.” Bellamy said softly.

He just nodded in response, closing the bedroom door as he walked out and Bellamy let his head fall back against the headboard.

It was about another 20 minutes before Clarke started to stir. He knew the moment she was awake. She moved her arm from his chest, around to his side and tightened her grip, burying her face further into his chest.

He didn’t say a word, just leaned his head down to kiss the top of her head. He heard her sniff and she finally looked up at him.

There were a lot of emotions in her eyes and he was sure there were in his too. He reached forward, brushing her hair back and she leaned into his touch, closing her eyes.

“Was it real?” She whispered.

“Which part?” He asked sadly.

She bit her lip. So it did happen then. She was hoping that maybe all of it was just a dream, not just the part with her parents. She was hoping that she hadn’t actually lost control of her mind, gone downstairs and grabbed a knife, hadn’t debating giving in and listening to her parents voices...

But she had.

His thumb ran across her cheek and she tried to not cry again.

“My mom called.” She admitted quietly.

Bellamy immediately tensed, but tried to stay calm.

“I turned my phone off right away and I thought... I thought I’d be fine. That it wasn’t a big deal and I’d just tell you in the morning.” She whispered, shaking her head. “Looks like I was wrong.”

He sighed, pulling her head closer so his forehead was resting on hers. He knew there must’ve been something that triggered it and he was right.

“I didn’t feel like I was in my own body when I woke up. Like it was still a dream, because I- I don’t remember grabbing the knife.” She said confused. “I looked down and it was just _there._”

He closed his eyes tight and tried not to envision it again.

“I remember wanting to call out to you, but it was like my voice was stuck and I couldn’t.” Her voice cracked at the end. “And it scared me.”

He moved back and kissed her forehead, then let her head rest back on his chest.

“Are you mad at me?” She whispered shakily.

His mind flashed back to the night of the party. When she was standing there looking lost and scared... broken. She’d asked the same thing that night, standing in this very bedroom. And he couldn’t be mad at her then either.

“I could never be mad at you for something like this, baby. I meant that.” He didn’t know if she remembered everything he said last night. “I’m proud of you.”

She lifted her head and blinked at him. “How could you possibly be proud of me?” She asked, still sounding broken.

“When Murphy came to wake me up... I thought the worst.” He said, his own voice uneven. “I didn’t know what I was gonna see when I got to that kitchen and I didn’t know if I _wanted_ to see it.” His hands started shaking from thinking about it again. “I saw you and you looked... you looked so lost. You looked confused and afraid. And even though that knife was in your hands, you didn’t cut.” He looked at her softly. “You told me that they said it was the only way, but you didn’t want to... you remember that?”

She nodded, trying to hold back tears.

“And you didn’t.” He said proudly. “You couldn’t tell dream from reality, but you knew you didn’t want to cut. You did so good, princess.”

Her tears did fall then. “I’m sorry, Bell.”

“No.” He said gently, but still firm. “You have absolutely no reason to be sorry.” He told her. “_I’m_ sorry though.”

She opened her mouth, but he started talking again before she had the chance.

“I didn’t wake up, Clarke.” He said sadly. “If I would have, I could’ve stopped you from going downstairs and I could’ve brought you back sooner.” He shook his head in thought. “If Murphy hadn’t have gotten me, if he hadn’t been coming home, you could’ve sat down there for god knows how long, confused and alone.”

She sniffed and shook her head. “What I did isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.”

“I know you don’t.” He moved his fingers across her cheek. “But I’m supposed to protect you. And I’ve been training so hard that it stopped me from doing that. So I’m still sorry... even though you don’t blame me.”

She wanted to argue, but she knew it’d do no good.

“I was back at my parents house.” She said, not looking away from him. “He took his belt off and he was running towards me. I fought him off and tried to get outside, but my mom was there, pushing me back. And I tried to convince her that we had to run, that we had to leave.” She paused, taking a breath and Bellamy waited quietly, wiping away her tears with his thumb. “She wouldn’t listen. She gave me a knife and said there was only one way to make it stop. So I ran upstairs to my room, then he was pounding on the door and they were both telling me I had to do it.” She looked away from him then, and he wanted to get her attention back, but he let her finish. “I put the knife to my arm and I pressed... then I woke up, but I- I didn’t feel right.” She tried to stop the sob that came up in her throat and her words were coming faster. “And I should’ve woken you up. I don’t know why I didn’t. I don’t know why I grabbed that knife, Bell. I don’t.”

_“Hey,_ look at me.” He said, filling his voice with dominance, knowing it usually calmed her. She looked at him and he found himself wishing he could wipe the crease line from her brow away. He wanted to kiss her and make her forget about everything that happened last night, but he held back. “You didn’t do it.” He told her again slowly. “You’re _so strong_, Clarke. You fought it. And I know you would’ve woken me up if you could have. But you said it yourself. You didn’t feel in control.”

“I don’t wanna slip back.” She whispered. “I just wanna feel safe.”

He couldn’t stop himself anymore, he leaned forward and kissed her hard and deep. He’d make her feel safe the best way he knew how.  


She wrapped her hands in his hair and let him take control, his tongue pushing into her mouth and his hands running up her body.

Before he knew it, he was on top of her and she was pulling his body down harder onto hers. She needed to feel him in times like these- to feel every part of him and lose herself in his arms, where she felt safe. Where she felt like she didn’t have to worry about keeping her owncontrol, she could let him take it.

So that’s what he did. He rocked his hips hard into hers, one hand slid up her shirt and the other held the side of her neck.

If he was being honest, he needed this just as much as she did. He was kissing her like it was the only thing keeping him alive- the only thing keeping him grounded. _And maybe it was._

When Murphy had come and woken him up, a million things ran through his mind and none of them were good. Another feeling of _‘this is how I lose her’_ had shot through him and it was terrifying. He hadn’t felt like that in so long that Murphy had to remind him to breathe. He had to pull himself together and worry about Clarke- push his own shit to the side.

His tongue swirled with hers and he rocked against her again. Her nails dug into his shoulders and it surged him on. He broke their kiss to rip her shirt off and quickly pressed his mouth back onto hers.

She let herself get lost in him, moaning into his mouth, letting her hands run across his hard muscles, feeling them ripple under her hands. He pulled back enough to kiss the spot below her ear and she shuddered at the feeling, letting out a breathy sigh. Her hands came to his hair, pulling and pressing him to her at the same time. He moved lower, biting down on her shoulder, before moving to her breast.

“Bellamy.” She gasped his name, tightening her grip on his hair. “Bell, I need you.”

“I’m right here, princess.” He moved his mouth to her ear and moved his hands down her hips, taking off her underwear. “I’ve got you.” He moved to kiss her stomach, then back up her body. “I’ll always have you.”

It brought tears to her eyes. “Promise me.” She whispered urgently.

He’d promised her this before, but she needed to hear it again. “I promise you.” He said firmly with his hand on her face.

She swallowed down her tears and pulled him back to her mouth. He pushed his own boxers down and didn’t waste anymore time, pushing roughly into her, swallowing the gasp that came from her.

She broke away from his mouth and let her head fall back, his mouth moving to one side of her neck and holding his hand holding the other side, squeezing lightly.

He had to pause, stilling inside her to catch his breath and not let this come to an end too soon.

“Please, don’t stop.” She said in a breathy sigh. “Bell, please.”

“Shh.” He soothed, running his hand down her side. “Just relax, princess.”

“I need you.” She tried again.

“You’ve got me, baby. I’m right here.” He slowly pulled out, thrusting back in slow, but hard.

She tried not to cry out, but he didn’t want her to hold back. He kept his body pressed against her and pulled her leg up, getting a deeper angle. She gasped and bit down on his shoulder.

“I wanna hear you, princess.” His deep voice rumbled in her ear. “Show me how much you want this.”

She let her head fall back again and moaned. “God, Bellamy, I want you.” She breathed out. “I love you.” She whispered, gripping him tight.

He didn’t falter his movements at first, but he pulled back to look at her, moving her chin so she’d meet his eyes. He slowed his thrusts down then. “I love you so fucking much, Clarke.” Tears shone in his own eyes then, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. “More than anything.”

Her hand came to his cheek and he turned to kiss her palm. He wanted to freeze moments like this in time. Keep it like this forever. But he couldn’t. So he’d cherish every single moment like this that he could get.

He was losing himself quickly now, so he reached between their bodies, circling her clit.

“Bell.” Her voice was hitched and he knew she was close.

“You can let go, princess. I’m right here.” He said deeply. “I’ve got you.”

Those words would always make her feel safe. No matter how many times she heard them.

She pulled him to her as closely as she could as she came, calling out his name. He groaned at the sounds coming out of her mouth and spilled inside her with one more hard thrust.

He let her leg fall back down and buried his head into the crook of her neck as he recovered, her hands now running gently through his hair. He closed his eyes, reveling in the feeling of her fingers across his head before he rolled over and pulled her to his chest.

“I’ll always keep you safe.” He promised lowly.

She nodded and pulled his arm closer to her chest. “I know you will.” She whispered, much calmer than before. “You always do.”

He could breathe a little easier now too, and he kissed her hair.

“I canceled training today. Raven and Murphy have got River and Madi.” He told her and he could almost feel her relief.

She snuggled in closer to him and nodded. “Does that mean we can just spend the day in bed? Maybe watch some tv?” She asked. “Order take out?”

“We can do that.” He smiled softly. “We can do whatever you want.”

She turned suddenly, almost alarmed. “Did you sleep?”

He brushed her hair back for what he was sure was the millionth time and shrugged a little. He couldn’t lie to her.

“Bell,” she started softly.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He said. “If you had another nightmare, I wanted to be awake and be able to help you.”

“You have to be exhausted.” She hated that he’d been up all night because of her.

“Good thing we’re spending the day in bed then.” He gave her a small smirk and even though the whole situation was nothing but serious, his smirk lightened her mood, getting a small smile out of her too.

“There’s that smile.” He said fondly.

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes and tried not to smile.

He chuckled and they snuggled back down into the sheets. “You know I’ll always be here.” He sobered up. “When the nights are hard or scary. Or both. I’ll always be here. I’m always gonna bring you back.”

She nodded and pushed tears down. “I know you will.” She said, pushing her face further into his chest.

“Is it gonna be okay that you miss a day of training?” She asked after a few minutes of silence.

“It’s gonna have to be.” He said seriously. “Cause I’m not stepping a foot out of this house, and I’m not taking my hands off of you.”

She didn’t press any further, because really she wanted nothing more than to just spend the day with him.

“Let me see your phone.” Bellamy told her. “I don’t know how she got your number, but I’m blocking her right now.”

She reached over and grabbed it, handing it to him. There were no new missed calls when he turned it on, so she only called the one time. He went to her call log and blocked the number, handing her back the phone.

They turned on Netflix and started binging whatever show was most popular at the time. It wasn’t long before Bellamy was fast asleep, Clarke still in his arms.

Her fingers traced circles on his chest, seemingly mesmerized. She didn’t know where would she be if she hadn’t found Bellamy- if he hadn’t found her? If he hadn’t been such a strong, constant presence. She didn’t know, and she was glad she’d never have to.

It’d been a long time since she’d had a break down like that, and it took a toll on her body. She felt worn out.

She fell asleep, still in Bellamy’s arms, the place she felt safest. Thinking how lucky she was that he was there to catch her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m hoping to not slow down updates, but I don’t have too many chapters written ahead now. I’m also trying to figure out where I want to end this and how far I want it to go, so you guys bare with me!


	40. ~ Don’t Ever Forget ~

They woke up in the early afternoon and ordered in food, then curled up on the couch together, just relaxing.

A little after 5:00, Murphy and Raven walked in with River and Madi.

Murphy sat down the diaper bag, a little hesitant to say anything. The mood in the room seemed light, but it was too early to tell for sure.

“Hey guys.” Clarke greeted softly. “Good day?”

River jumped on the couch in greeting, moving up to lick them both on the face.

“Aw, come on, man. Not the face.” Bellamy complained lightly, but scratched his head.

River let out a small huff and laid down contently on Clarke’s lap.

“It was a really good day.” Raven said brightly in response to Clarke’s question. “We had lunch at that cute little restaurant near the lake, then we took a nice hike around it, got some ice cream, and Madi loves watching the ducks.” She smiled and sat on the coffee table with Madi.

“That sounds nice.” Bellamy agreed, then held his arms out for Madi. “C’mere, little princess.”

Madi went to him easily, leaning her arms out towards him and let out a small noise of excitement.

Raven’s eyes went to Clarke and she made a thoughtful face before speaking again. “You doin’ okay?” She asked her.

Clarke looked up from Madi and Bellamy to give her a small nod. “My mom called last night and uh, I thought I would take it better then I did.”

“So you _were_ triggered.” Murphy said, like he’d already guessed it.

“Yeah, it would appear so.” Clarke sighed. “Apparently I have a lot of those.”

“I think that’s understandable given all the shit you dealt with.” Raven said.

Bellamy looked over and saw Clarke starting to pick at the skin of her nails. She was starting to feel uncomfortable and he could see it. He knew she didn’t like talking about it in front of a lot of people. He brought his free hand to the back of her neck, letting his fingers run across it, then looked back to Raven and Murphy. “Thank you guys, for taking them today.” He changed the subject.

“Ah, it’s no problem.” Murphy shrugged. “Like Raven said, we had a good day.”

Bellamy nodded and gave him a small smile.

“So, Octavia is coming in a little early.” Raven said. “She texted me today and can’t wait to meet Madi. And to see us of course.”

“How early?” Bellamy asked.

“Tomorrow.” Raven said.

Bellamy shook his head. “Okay, well I have a feeling Kane is gonna work me extra hard tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll have time to get her from the airport.”

“I’ve got it covered.” Raven waved a hand at him, standing up. “Clarke and I can grab her and Murphy will watch Madi while we’re gone so you can focus on training- if you’re up for it, Clarke.” She added, unsure.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ve done enough sitting around today to last me a while.” She gave a weak smile.

Her spirits weren’t like they usually were. The day with Bellamy had helped tremendously, but she still didn’t feel quite like herself yet.

“Well, I think you both needed it honestly.” Raven said.

“We did.” Bellamy said. “Hopefully we can all get a good sleep tonight, because we all know Octavia won’t let us rest once she’s here.”

“You,” Murphy started, pointing at Bellamy. “Need to get lots of rest, so she will not be bothering you.”

“We’ll see about that.” Bellamy said.

Madi let out a loud noise, drawing his attention to her and he smiled. She was making more and more sounds, finding her voice. She was reaching for a toy that was sitting on the arm of the couch.

“What?” Bellamy laughed lightly. “Am I not holding your attention?” He asked her, grabbing the toy.

She grabbed the toy with a happy noise and continued to shake it in front of her.

“God, she’s growing fast.” Murphy shook his head.

“She is.” Bellamy sighed. “Before you know it, you and I will be fighting the boys away from her.”

“Oh, no boys are getting near her. I’ve already decided.” Murphy said. “She can’t date till we’re both dead.”

“Good plan.” Raven said sarcastically. “And here I thought being overprotective was Bellamy’s thing?”

“It can be both our thing.” Murphy defended.

“It can, I agree.” Bellamy nodded. “Can’t be too careful.”

Raven and Clarke both rolled their eyes, but smiled. Clarke felt her mood grow even lighter. She needed to be surrounded by her family.

Madi threw her toy and Murphy reached down to pick it up and hand it back to her. She immediately threw it again and laughed.

“That’s how you wanna play?” Murphy asked, leaning down to grab it again. “I’m only giving it to you one more time.” He said. “Do not throw this.” He said slowly, even though he knew she had no idea what he was saying.

Once it was in her hands she threw it, giggling hard. It was the kind of baby laughter that was infectious. The kind you couldn’t hear without smiling and feeling happy.

Clarke and Raven joined in on Madi’s laughter and the look on Murphy’s face, and Bellamy just smirked.

“That’s it, princess.” Bellamy praised Madi. “You show uncle Murphy who’s in charge.”

She leaned towards the toy, Bellamy’s grip still carefully around her, looked at Murphy and let out a loud squeak.

“Seriously?” Murphy asked her.

She cooed at him with a smile and he gave in, handing her the toy again.

“Wow, Murphy. Teaching her that she can get what she wants with just a smile?” Clarke teased.

“I can’t help it.” He admitted. “Just look at her little chubby face.”

“She does have the cutest little cheeks.” Raven agreed smiling.

Bellamy lifted her up in the air and blew a raspberry on her stomach, making her squeal with laughter.

River pounced on the couch, eager to get in on the action. He snorted and lifted his head in the air towards Madi.

“What?” Bellamy asked. “You want in on the action?” He held Madi over Clarke’s lap and River licked her cheeks and neck, making Madi giggle even more, kicking her legs in excitement.

“Okay, okay.” Bellamy chuckled, pulling Madi back to his lap. “That’s enough, don’t lick her to death.”

Clarke smiled and pet River behind his ear. He licked her once and then laid down, placing in front legs on her lap, leaning his head against her with a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, your life is hard, huh?” Clarke laughed. “Raven and Murphy had you busy all day.”

“He certainly deserves a nap.” Bellamy agreed. “But I bet he’s hungry.”

At the word hungry, his head shot back up.

“That’s what I thought.” Bellamy looked at him. “You’re a fat ass, you know that?”

“Hey!” Clarke covered Rivers ears playfully. “Don’t fat shame him. He’s sensitive.”

Bellamy gave her a big smile, happy to see her in an even better mood. They’d needed the day together, to be with each other and to rest. Having their family around made them both feel better though. This was what they needed now.

“I’m just saying,” Bellamy shrugged. “He could stand to lose a few pounds. Maybe it’s all those scraps Raven sneaks him at dinner.” He accused lightly.

Raven opened her mouth, pretending to be shocked. “I do no such thing.” She defended. “I know he’s on a strict diet.”

“Yeah, we’ll see who he comes to at the dinner table tonight.” He said smirking.

“Whatever.” Raven rolled her eyes.

“Speaking of dinner, I’d better get cooking.” Murphy said with grunt, standing up.

“Mm, what’s for dinner chef Murphy?” Clarke asked.

“Only the best for my beautiful people.” He said dramatically. “Tonight we dine on peppercorn steak, garlic green beans, and decadently prepared mashed potatoes.”

“Going all out tonight, huh?” Bellamy raised his eyebrows. He knew he was doing it for Clarke. She loved all those things and it wasn’t a meal they had often.

“I can spoil my family once in a while.” Murphy waved a hand, walking into the kitchen.

Bellamy shook his head, smiling and Clarke reached over, giving both him and Madi a kiss on the cheek.

“You guys hang out on the couch.” Clarke said. “I’ll go help him.”

He squeezed her thigh once and nodded. He knew she wanted to talk to Murphy about last night. Raven sat on the couch next to River, and Bellamy turned the tv up to drown out the noise from the kitchen.

“Need some help?” Clarke walked around the island where he was rinsing the potatoes.

He didn’t look surprised that she’d followed him. “Yeah. Here, you can rinse and peel these.” He handed her the peeler and went to the fridge to grab the steaks.

The air was a little tense around them, but Murphy waited her out until she was ready to talk.

Once she had peeled the potatoes she turned and looked to him. “Maybe you should cut them.” She started. “You know, keep me away from the sharper objects.” She tried to joke weakly.

He didn’t smile though. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms, looking at her and she sighed.

“Too soon?” She asked.

“I think it’ll always be too soon for that joke.”

She made a face and nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right... I, uh, I’m-“

“If you’re about to apologize, you know I don’t wanna hear that, right?” He cut her off.

“I am though.” She said somberly. “And I also wanted to thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He said gently. “All I did was get Bellamy.”

“No.” She disagreed quickly. “That’s not even close to all you did. Murphy, you- you came in when I was about to cut...” she admitted.

Murphy swallowed at that.

“I was trying not to.” She continued. “But I was slipping and I felt so close to it.” She tried to keep the tremble out of her voice. “You distracted me enough for me to stop. And then you got Bellamy, and I’m sure you helped him keep it together, then you got Madi and watched her all night and then all day today so I could get my head on straight.”

“Seriously, Clarke.” He stepped a little closer to her. “It’s not a big deal. We’re all here to help each other.”

“You’ve done a lot of the helping though.” She felt tears come to her eyes and she tried to blink them back. “I know that I’m not perfect and I... _I slip_. I mess up. But, you guys are always there. And I couldn’t do any of this without you guys... so thank you, Murphy.” A tear fell, but she didn’t move to wipe it away.

Murphy didn’t say anything in response. Instead he stepped forward, wrapping her in a hug. They stood like that for a minute before pulling back. Clarke sniffed and wiped the tears on her cheeks away.

“You’re okay though?” He asked softly. “After last night?”

She nodded. “I’m okay. I wouldn’t be, if I didn’t have all of you guys but...” she paused looking to the living room where Bellamy and Raven had propped Madi up against River, so she was sitting up and they were all laughing and smiling. “But because I have all of this,” she nodded towards the living room. “I am.”

He smiled at that. “Yeah. It’s pretty great.” He agreed. “Alright.” He dramatically wiped at her cheek. “Enough tears. Let’s get this dinner finished.”

And just like that, she felt her heart lift even more.

They finished making dinner in good spirits and called everyone to the table.

Bellamy placed Madi in her high chair and then gave River his food before sitting down to eat.

“Oh my god, guys.” Raven groaned with a mouthful of steak. “This is so good.”

“Have I ever made anything bad?” Murphy asked. “I think not.”

“Have you ever not had a big head?” Raven retorted. “I think not.”

As if I’m cue, Madi let out a loud laugh, kicking her feet. Bellamy let out a snort and Clarke tried to hide her smile.

Murphy looked at Madi offended. “You’re never on my side.”

After dinner, they all settled down and relaxed.

Bellamy sat on the ground with Madi, Clarke taking the space in front of him. Bellamy let out a slightly dramatic groan. “Kane is gonna really push me tomorrow.”

“Not too much longer now though.” Raven said. “You’ll be the reigning champion of the underground fighting ring in less than a week.” She smiled confidently.

“Yeah, I don’t know about that.” He snorted. “As long as everyone walks out alive, I’ll be happy.”

“Everyone will be fine.” Clarke said, calmly. Then she smirked. “You’re gonna kick his ass though.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, but chuckled. Madi was pushing up in his lap, babbling away.

“What?” He asked her as she squirmed. “Got a case of wiggle worms?”

“I...” Clarke watched her, mouth slightly open. “I think she wants to stand.”

“Really?” Bellamy asked.

“Yeah, look at her.” Clarke smiled.

Madi was pushing as hard as she could against Bellamy’s lap, making little frustrated noises.

Bellamy picked her up and put her on her feet in front of him, keeping his hands around her.

She let out an excited squeal and pushed up and down on her legs a few times. Bellamy held her, but she was putting her own weight on them too.

Bellamy smiled big and looked at Clarke, beaming. “You were right.” He said excitedly. “She’s doing it.”

Clarke smiled back at him just as big, then looked back to Madi. “You’re doing it, baby!” She told Madi excitedly, earning another squeal from Madi. “Good job!” She said in a baby voice.

“Okay, but, can she slow down, please?” Raven complained lightly, but still smiled. “I want her to stay our baby.”

“She’s gonna be our baby who walks soon.” Murphy said. “Look how happy she is.” He smirked. “Before we know it, she’ll be graduating.” He sniffed dramatically, wiping a fake tear away.

“Shut up.” Raven hit him in the chest. “I just can’t believe she’s already so big.”

“They grow fast at this age.” Bellamy said fondly. “I remember Octavia was up and running before most babies. She hasn’t stopped since.” He smirked.

“Not a shocker there.” Clarke grinned.

They ended up putting Madi to sleep relatively early. They climbed into bed tired, but relaxed.

River hopped up on Clarke’s side and curled against her, letting out a content sigh. She ran her hand down his stomach and then settled it under his front leg.

“He probably could’ve stopped me to.” Clarke said looking at River. “If he wasn’t with Raven. He probably would’ve woken you up.”

“Yeah.” Bellamy agreed thoughtfully. “He’s so smart that sometimes I forget he’s a dog.” He joked lightly.

Clarke huffed a laugh and ran her hand over his scarred up ear. “I’m glad we could give him a home. A happy life, where he doesn’t have to fight to survive.”

“Me too, princess.” He reached his arm around her, spooning her, and rested his hand on River too. “I’m gonna have a long day tomorrow.” He sighed.

“I know you are.” She nestled into the covers a little further. “But thank you for staying with me today.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.” He kissed her hair and laid his head back down. “Are you okay?” He asked.

She thought for a moment, trying to answer him honestly. “Yeah.” She nodded after a moment. “I’m crammed between my two protectors.” She smiled. “And I ended up having a pretty good day with my favorite person.”

That made him smile, laying another kiss to her hair. “I love you more than anything.” Be whispered. “Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t.” She whispered back and squeezed his arm. “I love you too.”

She didn’t think it was possible that she’d ever forget that. Because he showed her every day. Even on the days he’d come home dead tired and sore. He still made her smile, just like he promised he would.

She closed her eyes and let herself fall asleep, sandwiched between Bellamy and River, feeling safe and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter brings Octavia and the start of more drama 😬😬


	41. ~ Fine ~

Bellamy walked into the gym the next morning feeling a bit restless. Clarke was in better spirits, and he’d gotten rest that he hadn’t been able to since this whole thing started. But he was anxious, counting down the days at this point, eager for the fight to be over and get back to what would now be his normal life.

And Kane seemed determined to make his mood worse.

“You ready for an all day session?” Kane crossed his arms as Bellamy pulled his shirt off. “Since you couldn’t bother to show up yesterday. Couldn’t even bother to call me yourself.”

Bellamy huffed a humorless laugh. “Murphy called you. What’s it matter?”

“What was so important that you missed an entire day of training?” Kane asked, clearly agitated. “That you couldn’t give me a call yourself? You had to have Murphy do it.”

“I had some things to deal with.” Bellamy shrugged carelessly.

“You had some things to deal with?” Kane repeated.

Bellamy sighed and rolled his neck, trying to keep his patience. “Yes.”

“You didn’t spend the day inside with Clarke?”

“What, are you fucking spying on me again?” Bellamy snapped. “It’s not even your fucking business. I’m here now, aren’t I? Missing one day isn’t gonna hurt me.”

“This close to the fight it could!” Kane raised his voice. “You have to keep your head in this, son. We’re 6 days away.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Bellamy’s voice echoed through the gym. “I needed to be with her yesterday. Even if I was here, I wouldn’t have been worth anything. I needed to take yesterday, so I could come back and have my head in this.”

“You can’t be focused on her, son. If this is how you’re going to be at the fight, then maybe she should-“

“No.” He growled, grabbing Kane by the collar and cutting him off. “You don’t get to tell me what to do with her. I did what I needed to do. For my family. For _me_.” He was dangerously close to snapping. “I’m here now and I’ll do whatever the hell you want me to do, for however long you want me to do it. But I will _not_ feel bad about being with the woman I love when she needed me. And I won’t apologize for it.”

Kane looked at him hard, jaw clenched tightly. He wasn’t a fool. He knew he stood no chance in a fight against Bellamy. Especially not when he was like this. “Fine.”

Bellamy shoved him back, breathing hard.

“But today won’t be easy.” Kane stepped back, trying not to be affected.

“I didn’t expect it to be.” Bellamy mumbled, turning away. “Where’s Roan?”

“Well he’s not the one who skipped out on yesterday.” Kane said. “You are. So you’ll start with the punching bag, then move on to weights, then cardio. Then Roan will be here and you’ll fight.”

“You don’t think that’s a bit excessive?” Bellamy asked annoyed, but he really did expect it.

“Not for being 6 days away from the fight I don’t, no.” Kane answered simply.

“Fine.” Bellamy said, wrapping his hands. “Let’s get this over with.”

•

“Raven, we’ve gotta go!” Clarke yelled up the stairs as she put Madi in her car seat.

Murphy had to run to the bar for some stocking emergency, so they were bringing Madi along too. They were already running late to the airport and they were just getting later.

“Coming!” Raven yelled back.

Clarke opened the front door and grabbed the car seat. “Come on, River.” She called cheerfully. “Let’s go see auntie Octavia.”

River ran out to the truck, excited for the car ride itself.

Clarke buckled Madi’s car seat in and River sat on the seat next to her, ready to pop his head out the window. Raven was finally coming out of the house when Clarke buckled herself in the drivers seat.

Clarke grew nervous as they got closer. Her hands gripping the wheel tighter as she drove.

“Alright.” Raven said after a few minutes. “I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you. What’s up?”

“Can we not tell Octavia about what happened? About the other night.” Clarke asked, keeping her eyes on the road.

“Yeah, of course.” Raven said. “It’s not my thing to tell, Clarke. It’s yours. And if you don’t wanna tell it, you certainly don’t have to.”

“I just don’t want her to worry.” Clarke said. “She already _is_ worried. About Bellamy and the fact that we have Madi and I just- I don’t wanna add to it. Or give her more reason to doubt us.”

Raven pursed her lips together and nodded. “I think she’d still be supportive.”

“Not at first she wouldn’t.” Clarke argued and Raven knew she was right. “Octavia thinks I’m doing better and-“

“And you _are_ doing better.” Raven cut her off firmly.

“I am.” She agreed softly. “But I mean... I think Octavia would take it the wrong way. That she would think I wasn’t ready for any of this or that I’m unstable or something. She worries a lot.”

“Well to be fair,” Raven started. “I don’t think any of us were ready for this.”

Clarke let out a light laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

Raven smiled and they drove in silence for a moment before Clarke spoke again. “Do you think I’ll be okay at the fight?”

Raven blinked, surprised at the question. “You mean because of what happened the other night?”

Clarke shrugged. “I don’t know. I- what if I freak out when I’m there, you know?”

“I don’t think you will.” Raven said confidently. “You had a dream that felt real and it scared you. I get that. But this isn’t the same. It’ll be violent, yes. But you know it will and you’ll go in ready for it. You’ll have Murphy and god knows at the slightest sign of anything wrong, Bellamy will know and find you.”

“I really don’t want him focused on me.” Clarke shook her head. “I’m scared of him getting hurt. I know that he’s good- the best in his time even, but... the thought of him getting hurt terrifies me.”

“I know.” Raven said softly. “But I really think he has this, Clarke. He’ll be okay. You both will.”

Clarke smiled at her confidence and nodded, feeling slightly better about the whole thing.

They pulled up to the airport and found Octavia’s terminal. “Okay, Madi.” Clarke said. “Get ready to meet your auntie.”

She babbled in answer, like she was starting to do anytime they talked to her.

Octavia was already outside waiting for them, waving them down as she saw them pull up.

When River saw Octavia he let out an excited bark, jumping up and down with his front legs, making Madi giggle.

Clarke and Raven hopped out, the three girls wrapping each other in a hug.

“God, I missed you guys.” Octavia said, still squeezing them tightly.

“We missed you too.” Clarke said fondly. “You smell like booze.” She laughed.

“I had a drink to calm my nerves before the flight.” Octavia said. “I hate flying.”

River barked again and they pulled back.

“I know!” Octavia said to River happily. “I’m so excited to see you too!” She opened the door and he immediately went to licking her face, shoving his body against hers.

“Okay, okay!” Octavia laughed and pushed him back. “You’ve gotta let me in.”

They loaded her suitcase in the back and Octavia slid in, sitting in the middle seat, letting River stick his head back out the window.

“Oh my god.” Octavia whispered, looking at Madi. “She’s even more adorable then the pictures.”

Clarke and Raven spared each other a glance and turned back to watch Octavia.

“Hi, sweet girl.” Octavia grabbed Madi’s tiny hand. “I’m your Auntie O.”

Madi kicked her feet happily and squealed. This little girl was certainly bound to be outgoing.

Octavia smiled at her and looked to Clarke and Raven. “You guys didn’t tell me she was the cutest baby to ever exist.”

“Well, we wanted to be modest.” Clarke said. “Let you make that decision for yourself.”

“It’s a pretty easy decision.” She smiled again.

It seemed like this was an entirely different Octavia than the one that had been screaming at Bellamy about the whole situation. But Clarke and Raven we’re both grateful for it.

“So, how’s Niylah?” Raven asked.

“Oh, you know.” Octavia started. “She likes her classes. She’s doing pretty good.”

Raven waited a beat, thinking there was going to be more, but got nothing. “That’s it?” She asked. “You normally won’t shut up about her and all we get after months is ‘she’s doing pretty good’?”

Octavia shrugged almost indifferently. “Yeah, she’s good. Nothing exciting.”

Clarke drew her brows together and peaked at Octavia through the rear view mirror, but she was looking down at Madi still. Not willing to make eye contact with her _or_ Raven.

“Is everything okay?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Octavia brushed off. “So how’s my niece doing?”

Clarke sighed once at the fact that Octavia was clearly hiding something, but continued on to tell her how Madi was and the new things she was doing and learning.

They stopped and had a late breakfast at their favorite brunch spot, dining outside on the patio so River could join.

Octavia ordered a mimosa and pulled out a fake ID. Clarke and Raven looked at each other, but let it go.

“How are things?” Octavia asked as they ate.

“They’re a little hard right now.” Clarke admitted. “With Bellamy training and all. And Murphy is usually there with him. But once that’s all over I think we’ll all be a lot happier.”

“I agree.” Raven said. “They help a lot with Madi even with all they’re doing, but it’ll just be nice to have them home.”

“You and Murphy are doing good?” Octavia questioned.

“Really good.” Raven smiled. “You guys know Murphy. He tries to put on this act like he’s all hard, sarcasm out the ass like he’s this big tough guy, but he’s got such a soft spot for the people he cares about. For Madi, even though he tried to hide it at first.”

Octavia looked down at Madi. “She seems pretty damn easy to love.”

“She is.” Clarke smiled softly in agreement. “She’s a daddy’s girl already. Always all over Bellamy.”

Octavia shook her head in amazement. “Bellamy’s a dad.... that’s still so crazy to me.”

“It- takes a minute to sink in.” Raven laughed. “But once you see him with her, you’ll see how perfect he is at it.”

“I believe it.” Octavia said. “He raised me, you know? This is... this is who he is and he’s good at it. He found his family and he’s protecting them no matter what.”

Clarke searched over her words, listening for any trace of resentment, but found none that she could tell.

“You’re still our family too.” Clarke reminded her quietly. “Just because you’re a few states away doesn’t make you any less a part of it.”

She shrugged at that. “It’s harder though. To be a part of everything...” she picked at the food on her plate, not really eating anything. “I was thinking I might transfer back down here somewhere.”

Raven’s eyebrows raised. “What? You’ve always wanted to go to Mount Weather. Why the change?”

“I don’t know- I just don’t think it’s right for me. And I miss you guys. I just feel like I should be back here.”

“The opportunities are way better at Mount Weather than they are here, O.” Clarke tried to reason. “Plus, your brother is going to have a fit if he finds out you wanna transfer. He knows how hard you’ve worked for this.”

“And he knew I’d have a fit if he got back into fighting, but he did it anyway.” She argued.

“He didn’t get back into it, Octavia. This is one fight.” Clarke defended him instantly.

“One fight that he didn’t wanna tell me about. One fight that he didn’t ask my opinion on, because he _never_ does!” Octavia was quickly starting to raise her voice. “And now you guys are doing awesome and making decisions together as a family and that’s great, but I’m not a part of that. I never had that with him.”

Clarke and Raven were both silent for a moment, taking that in. She was right of course. Bellamy usually made decisions without her. But he did it for reasons he thought was best.

“Octavia,” Clarke started gently. “He did things that way because he thought he was protecting you. For so long you were all he had and he wanted to make sure you were safe and that you didn’t have to worry about anything.”

“I did though!” She shook her head. “I had to worry about my brother shutting me out, like he’s always done. Hiding away from me doesn’t protect me. It hurts.”

They weren’t sure what to say to that, so they all just sat back in their chairs, looking defeated until the check came.

Clarke sighed as they all gathered in the truck, silent except for Madi’s babbling.

Bellamy was going to be in for a rude surprise when he got home.

•

Murphy walked in the gym about four hours after Bellamy had started. He was sparing with Roan. Kicking his ass, actually. Roan looked beat to hell and back.

“Whoa.” Murphy said, walking up to Kane calmly. “Did you give him something?”

“Anger, apparently.” Kane said quietly.

“Well it certainly worked.” Murphy quipped.

“What the hell happened yesterday that he couldn’t be here?” Kane asked.

“Doesn’t really matter, does it?” Murphy shrugged. “He’s here now. Clearly ready to fuck shit up.”

“He’s been going for four hours. I haven’t seen him like this since he’s been back in training.” Kane said, obviously pleased with that fact. “I’ve called in more fighters to train with today. He hasn’t taken a break all morning and it doesn’t look like he’s slowing down.”

“Roan looks like he’s had about all _he_ can take though.” Murphy smirked in amusement.

“Precisely why he isn’t my UUG fighter.” Kane muttered. “_This_ Bellamy,” he motioned to where Bellamy knocked Roan onto his back for the final time. “This is the one we need at that fight.”

“It’s the one you’ll get.” Murphy confirmed. “Especially if you piss him off.” He eyes him carefully. “What’d you say to him anyway?”

Kane sighed. “I told him he didn’t need to be focused on her. Gave him hell for not showing up yesterday.”

Murphy winced. “Yeah, you learn real quick not to fuck with him about Clarke.”

“It’s been years since someone has tried to pin me by my shirt collar- since I’ve made someone that angry.” Kane said. “Bellamy’s done it twice in the past 5 weeks.”

“He really did need to be home yesterday.” Murphy defended Bellamy. “I get that this fight is important to you, but nothing is more important to him than that woman.”

“She has some things to work through, doesn’t she? With her father?”

Murphy shook his head. “She’ll never work through that shit... she’s getting past it though.”

“You think it’ll be okay with her at the fight?” Kane asked.

“I think if she’s not there, you’re gonna have a fighter as useless as Roan.” Murphy deadpanned.

Kane sighed and Roan groaned from the floor in the ring. “I’m done, Kane. Get me outta here.”

“Bell!” Murphy yelled. “Take a break, man. You’re sweating bullets.”

“I’m fine.” He snapped. “You got another fighter or what?” He asked Kane.

“They’ll be here in 15,” he told him. “Take a break.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed, but breathing hard, ripping the tape off his hands and climbing out of the ring.

Murphy handed him a Gatorade and he quickly downed it.

“You know you need to slow down.” Murphy said chastising. “You don’t need to be this worked up. I haven’t seen you like this since-“

“Since _what_?” Bellamy snapped.

Murphy sighed. “Since the shit with your mom back in the day.”

Bellamy should’ve known Murphy wouldn’t shy away. “I’m fine.” He snapped again. “I just need to let some shit out. And I don’t fuckin’ need him _or you_ telling me to take a break, or telling me where I need to be and what I need to be doing. He doesn’t know shit.”

“This isn’t about him, Bellamy and you know it.”

Murphy knew exactly what it was about. Bellamy always took on too much. Always held back too much until he was ready to burst. He hadn’t fought like this in a long time and now... now he was using it as an outlet for his pent up anger, but it was dangerously close to becoming, _well_, dangerous.

“What’s it about then? If you know so much.” Bellamy asked, agitated.

“It’s about everything.” Murphy said. “Everything that you can’t control. Everything you can’t stop from happening. Everything that you hold in because you don’t want to hurt Clarke, or me, or Raven. You can’t take away the bad shit that happened to Clarke. What her father did? You can’t fix that. You can’t take the pain from her, can’t take the nightmares away and you _hate_ that. You can’t control it.”

“I can!” Bellamy’s voice boomed. “I didn’t wake up, Murphy. That’s _my_ fault! I could’ve controlled it. I could’ve stopped it.”

“But you can’t take away what’s already been done.” Murphy continued.

“Murphy, _I’m fine_.”

“You’re fine until you’re not! You’re fine until you think about what he did to her and then you wanna kill him. And you can’t. And that pisses you off. That’s why your wound up so goddamn tight.”

Bellamy’s jaw was clenched tightly. The veins in his arms sticking out more than usual. He was pissed off.

The door opened and three more fighters walked in, Bellamy’s head snapping towards them.

“Fucking finally.” Bellamy said, downing the rest of the Gatorade, eager to stop this conversation with Murphy. “Kane, let’s get started!”

Murphy sighed and put his head down. They were in for a long day.

•

When Bellamy got home, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Clarke and Madi. Hold them until maybe his brain agreed to settle. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that though. Octavia would want to see him, and he was happy to see her, but he’d worn himself out- trained for 10 hours, not really stopping to take a break.

Murphy was right, not that Bellamy would admit it. He was wound up.

Murphy rushed in the door before Bellamy could, coming up to Clarke quickly, where she was sitting with Raven and Madi.

“I’m just gonna warn you now,” he started, looking at her seriously. “That man is a ticking time bomb and you need to get him under control.”

Clarke sighed. “What happened? Because Octavia isn’t exactly a defused bomb in this situation.”

“He hit it hard today. He should’ve been worn out hours ago. He went through 8 fighters that Kane brought in. I think the shit with your-“

Murphy cut off as the door opened and Bellamy walked inside. His body was still covered in sweat, his shirt almost soaked through and his hair wet. He also had a bruises and cuts lining his knuckles- no, his entire hands.

“Oh my god, Bell.” Clarke said surprised. “Is that sweat?”

“Uh,” he looked to the ground, almost sheepishly. “Yeah. We did a lot today.” He threw his bag down on the floor and held his arms out- a silent request for her to slide into them.

She started to hand Madi to Raven, but he stopped her. “No.” He said. “Bring her too.”

Clarke pulled Madi back to her and walked over to Bellamy, not caring about the sweat covering his body. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her tightly to his chest and put his other hand on Madi, more gently.

He kissed Clarke’s head, closing his eyes, then let out a sigh.

“Are you okay?” Clarke pulled back to look at his face.

“Not really.” He admitted. “But can we talk about it later?”

She looked concerned, but nodded and handed him Madi.

“Where’s O?” He asked as Madi tried to grab his nose.

“She’s upstairs taking a shower.” Raven offered.

“Yeah, I could use one of those too.” He said.

“Um, something is going on with her.” Clarke sighed. “I think you should talk to her.”

“Great.” He said dryly. “Just what I wanted to deal with when I got home.” He sounded worn out- sounded deflated. “Should’ve known we can’t just have a happy visit.”

“She’s feeling a little... left out, I think.” Raven said.

“No ones making her feel that way but her.” Bellamy said. “We’re not excluding her from anything.”

“Well she feels like we are.” Clarke shrugged.

“And she has a point.” Raven admitted. “Just listen to her, Bellamy.”

He sighed and looked to Madi. “What do you think, baby girl?”

She smiled and reached for his nose again, babbling an answer like always.

“My thoughts exactly.” He told her and reached to her tummy to tickle her. Madi squealed happily and shoved her head into Bellamy’s neck, laughing.

He rested his head on top of hers and breathed in. “Looks like daddy’s gonna have a long night.” He pulled back and sat her on her play mat on the ground where River was already waiting for her.

Octavia walked down the stairs, towel drying her hair. “About time you showed up.”

“Well, hello to you too.” Bellamy greeted, already feeling over an argument that hadn’t even begun.

“Kane couldn’t let you go a little early to see your sister?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“It wasn’t all him.” Bellamy said easily. “I needed the training. I need to be ready for this fight.”

“You sure that’s why you stayed?” Octavia’s tone stayed annoyed.

“I think we’re gonna go start dinner.” Clarke stood up, pulling Raven with her. “Murphy, can you watch Madi?”

He nodded and Clarke looked to Bellamy and Octavia. “How about you guys catch up outside.”

It was phrased as a suggestion, but by the look on Clarke’s face, Bellamy could tell it wasn’t. She didn’t want them arguing in front of Madi and he understood that. And an argument was bound to happen from the sound of Octavia.

“Yeah.” Bellamy sighed. “We’ll catch up outside.”

This wasn’t going to be a fun conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some serious next couple chapters. I may post another chapter this weekend. I managed to plow through writing 4 chapters and I’m feeling really happy with how they turned out.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated. Thank you guys 😘


	42. ~ The Fire In Your Head ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a very emotional chapter. The song used is Not Alone by Patti Griffin.

Octavia followed Bellamy outside, arms still crossed, jaw set.

“Is this really what you wanna do as soon as you get back? You wanna fight?” He asked, already feeling drained.

“I just don’t understand why you had to stay all day. Are you overworking yourself like you used to?”

“I’m fine-“

“That’s not what I asked.” She snapped. “If it wasn’t Kane that made you stay, it was yourself. So what is it that has you worked up?”

“It doesn’t matter, O. Can we just drop it and enjoy the time you’re here?” He tried.

“Just drop it?” She asked. “Like you always do. You never wanna talk to me.”

“That’s not true and you _know_ it.” He was getting just as agitated as she was.

“It is when it comes to things that matter. When it comes to bringing a baby into your life. When it comes to you joining the fights again. You didn’t talk to me about that!”

“I talked to Clarke about it!” He raised his voice. “I talked to Murphy. He knows the fights and I’m not joining anything. This is a one time thing.”

“But you never talked to me about it! About _anything_, Bell. You never included me in any decisions.”

“Because it’s not for you to decide.” His voice boomed. “Octavia, you were my kid. _I_ raised you. Not mom, _me_! Kids aren’t part of decision making and the shit that I had to do- that I had to make decisions about, they were for _you_. It’s not because I didn’t think you could, it’s because you shouldn’t have had to. So be pissed at me all you want for that, but I don’t regret it.”

She shook her head, but there wasn’t really a good argument in response.

“You could’ve called me sooner.” She finally said. “You didn’t include me at all.”

“Well it doesn’t really effect you, does it?” He answered harshly.

“You’re my brother!” She stepped closer, anger flaring back up. “It does effect me. And Clarke is one of my best friends and Raven. This effects all of you, so it does effect me, don’t you think?”

He didn’t answer, just flopped down in a lawn chair and sighed.

“I wanna move back.” She said after she realized he wasn’t going to answer, because she knew that would get him to talk.

His head shot up. “No.”

“No?” She raised her eyebrows.

_“No.”_ He repeated. “You’re not throwing your life away to move back here because you’re worried about me.”

“It’s not _about_ you.” She argued. “Not everything is. I want to be here. I’m not happy out there. I can transfer to Trikru University and finish school here.”

“And not get half the opportunities you would at Mount Weather.” He shook his head, dumbfounded. “Why aren’t you happy? You’ve got Niylah up there.”

“That’s not enough to make me happy if everything else sucks. We’re not you and Clarke.”

“So you’re gonna leave her up there? Take a shot in the dark and hope you can get the job you want when you graduate Trikru university?”

Octavia paused and looked at the ground. “It’s a chance I’m willing to take. And Niylah will be fine without me... we broke up.”

Bellamy’s jaw dropped a bit. “You what?”

“Yeah, it was- I don’t know. It wasn’t working out.” She shrugged, still looking down. “Things were just different up there. She was different.”

“So you wanna move back here because you broke up?” He asked confused, trying to understand where she was coming from. She wasn’t being rational.

“No- I mean, it’s not just that.” She sighed. “I’m missing out on so much here. You’ve got a fucking kid, Bellamy. I have a niece. And if I stay there, I’m gonna miss out on so much. I’ll miss out on watching you and Clarke be parents, I’ll miss watching her grow or say her firsts words, or her take her first steps.” She had tears in her eyes now. “And I really fucking miss you guys. All of you.”

He sighed and ran a hand down his beard. He didn’t know if he believed her story for some reason and he hated that. “It’s really what you want?” He asked, trying his hardest to make his tone softer.

“It is.” She nodded. “I can find an internship in Trikru City and I can live at the dorms at the university... I really wanna come back home and I really want your support on this, Bell.”

He worked his jaw a couple times and finally nodded. “Okay.”

She let out a breath of relief. “Okay?”

“Yes.” He stood up and walked towards her. “But only if you promise me you’re gonna stick with it. That you won’t drop out and get some half ass job somewhere.”

“I promise.” She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

A discussion for another time, he decided.

“Now can we say a real hello?” He asked holding an arm out for her.

She nodded and shoved herself under his arm. “I missed you, big brother.”

“Me too, O.” He pulled back and sighed again. “Speaking of decisions made without you...”

“Oh god.” She said, lightly.

“I want you to stay at home the night of the fight.” He said.

Her eyes narrowed at him. She wasn’t going to tell him she had no intention of going to the fight. That would bring up a conversation she wasn’t willing to have. “Why?” She asked.

“Because I want-“ he cut off and sighed. “You want honesty. You wanna know how I feel, so I’m telling you that I need Clarke to be there. And it’s dangerous enough as it is. Having you both there will just make me worry more. Murphy can only keep one of you safe and I... I need her there.”

Octavia sighed. “Raven isn’t going either?”

He just shook his head.

“Okay, fine.” She said. “I don’t like it, but fine.”

He nodded. “Thank you.”

She nodded back and smiled after a few seconds of silence. “Madi’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”

Then his face broke out into a smile, the first one all day. “Isn’t she?”

“She seems so smart already. She talks back to you, like she really knows what she’s saying.” Octavia laughed.

“She’s gonna be ridiculously smart.” Bellamy agreed. “And she’s gonna be strong and confident and know how to stand up for herself. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt her the way Clarke got hurt.”

“I know it’s hard for you to deal with that sometimes.” She said softly.

“Deal with what?” He played dumb.

“With what her dad did to her.” She said. “I know you, Bell. You only work that hard when something’s eating away at you. When you feel like you can’t do what you want to do... when mom was with that guy back then, this is how you acted.”

He thought for a minute and looked up. “Sometimes...” he sighed. “Sometimes I think about what she went through or I get reminded of it by something that happens. What he did to her and I- I get _so_ fucking angry.” He shook his head. “Murphy called me out earlier and he was right... I wanna kill him. I’m pissed off that I can’t. And if he was standing here right now, I would.”

“Have you told Clarke how you feel?”

“I have before.” He said. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to her today. I- It didn’t all build up until today. Yesterday was...” he trailed off, not wanting to tell Octavia the events of the night before. “Yesterday wasn’t like this.”

If he was being honest, it probably had been like this yesterday. But he was so focused on Clarke, he didn’t have time to think about it. Not until this morning, when he realized just how pissed off he really was.

“You talk to her though, right?” Octavia asked. “When you don’t feel... yourself? I just- I know you don’t like talking to me about that stuff, so I- I wanna make sure you’re talking to someone.”

He looked at her, suddenly feeling a little guilty, but there were some things he just didn’t feel like he could share with his sister. Some things were meant for him and Clarke. “Yeah, O. I talk to her.”

“Good.” She nodded and bit her lip. “I guess we should head inside. I’m sure dinner will be done soon.”

He took another deep breath and followed her inside, immediately walking up to Clarke who was at the stove, putting his arms around her from behind and pulling her close. She leaned into him and tried to look at his face. “What’s going on?” She asked softly.

He swallowed, not really sure what to say. “Can we go upstairs for a little while?”

“Yeah.” She squeezed his arm and stepped away. “You guys don’t wait for us. We’ll be down later.” She told Raven.

She followed Bellamy up the stairs, her hand tightly secured in his. Once they made it to the bedroom, he turned and kissed her deep. His hand wound to the side of her neck, his tongue sliding between her lips, urgency clear in his body language.

When she pulled back, she had to catch her breath, his head resting on hers.

“Talk to me.” She whispered.

“I hate what he did to you.” His voice was rough and low.

Her heart skipped. “My dad?”

He nodded, his eyes dark and searching hers. “I don’t wanna think about it but, sometimes I do. Sometimes I can’t help it. And I think about- about that video. I think about everything he did and it makes me sick.”

“I know it does.” She put her hand on his cheek, running her thumb across it. “But it’s over.”

“It still hurts you. And I hate that I can’t take that away.” His voice cracked. “I hate that he’s still out there- I wanna kill him for what he did to you.”

“That would take you away from me.” She told him. “And I need you, Bell. It’s not worth it.”

He closed his eyes tightly. “I know, but sometimes...” he took a deep breath. “Sometimes I just feel this rage building up inside me. When I think about it, it starts tearing me a part and I don’t want anything more than to choke the fucking life out of him.”

She ran her hands through his hair, trying to calm him down.

“And today was bad. It’s all I could think about. That and the fact that Madi could’ve had that same life... I went through every fighter Kane threw at me. They forced me out of the place. But I just wanted to fight until I didn’t feel so god damn angry anymore.”

“Did it work?” She asked quietly, knowing it didn’t.

“No.” He answered, sounding a little defeated. “It didn’t.”

“Bellamy, look at me.” She pushed his cheek towards her and his troubled eyes met hers. _“We’re okay._ Me and Madi, we’re both right here. What happened is in the past. It’s okay that you can’t change that. No one can. But you saved me, Bell. You saved her. That’s all that matters.”

Tears formed in his eyes and he bit his lip.

“And you _do_ take the pain away.” She assured him. “You’re one of the only things that does. You make me remember who I am. And how strong I can be. You make me happy.”

“Promise?” He asked shakily.

The need to protect her was almost overwhelming sometimes. And right now he needed assurance that he was enough for her. That she still felt safe and that he could make her pain go away- at least for a little while.

“I promise.” She closed the gap between them, kissing him again.

His strong arms pushed her firmly against him, wanting to feel every inch of her. Sometimes he needed this to remind himself that she was real. She was here and she was okay now.

“Clarke...” he muttered in between kisses. “I need you.”

She pulled back just enough to look at him through her lashes. “Then take me.” She whispered.

Without warning, he picked her up with one smooth motion, his hands cupping her ass. He took her mouth again and walked back until she was pinned against the wall.

He was immediately hard, and she gasped at the feeling of him, already rocking his hips against hers. She felt the wetness start to pool at her center and she braced herself on his shoulders.

He somehow managed to slip himself out of his pants and boxers, then thanked god that she’d decided to wear a dress today. He pulled one of her breasts free from the dress, his mouth moving to it and his hands supporting her weight against the wall.

This was what he needed. To take control and to have her in his arms, ready to submit to whatever he needed her to.

He lifted her higher, then pushed her down onto his length, hard and fast. She bit his shoulder to stifle a cry, breathing hard as her walls adjusted to him.

One of his hands came to her hair, his movements much softer than seconds before. “Too hard?” He asked worried.

“No.” She quickly shook her head. “I want you, Bellamy. All of you.”

And with that, something broke lose inside of him. He pressed a bruising kiss to her lips, pulling out and thrusting back into her forcefully, wanting to be as deep inside of her as he could.

She kissed him back just as hard, letting him move her body exactly how he wanted it.

Her hands moved across his hard body, wanting to touch every muscle she could get them on. He was fit before, but now every muscle was hard and defined, they rippled at every move he made and it was driving her crazy. She couldn’t get enough of it.

His smell was intoxicating. The smell of sweat on his body from fighting and hints of soap from his shower this morning and the unmistakable smell that was just him. The force he was taking her with was enough to make her dizzy- his testosterone through the roof. She pulled back from the the kiss, wrapping a hand into his hair and pulling, pressing her face into his neck, breathing in his scent deeply.

“Bell.” She rasped out his name as he pounded into her.

He looped his arm around her knee, pulling it up and changing their angle, making her cry out.

“Shh.” He rasped in her ear and she was vaguely aware that everyone downstairs could probably hear her. But she was so worked up that she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Bell,” She gasped out again. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

Her body was tightening in his grasp, her walls starting to spasm, gripping him tighter.

“No one’s ever gonna touch you again.” He growled lowly into her ear, keeping a steady rhythm, thrusting into her. “You’re mine.”

“I’m yours.” She agreed breathlessly. He bit down on the hollow of her neck and she tilted her head opening it up to him. She let herself fall over the edge, crying out as she came around him. He didn’t slow his movements, riding her through her orgasm, drawing out every bit of pleasure he could for her before letting himself spill inside her.

He braced himself with a shaking hand against the wall, groaning as he rode out the last of it.

He moved his forehead to rest on hers and closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. His hand was still shaking as he brushed the hair behind her ear.

“I’m okay.” She whispered, kissing him gently. “We’re all okay, Bell.”

He nodded, but a sob ripped its way out of his throat. He couldn’t take the pressure on his chest anymore. The feeling of his heart trying to tear its way out. It was too much.

She pushed against him lightly, and he slipped out of her, lowering her to the ground. She wasted no time, guiding him to the bed and pulling him to her chest. He fell into it easily, sobs taking control of his body.

All he could do was hold on to her, his arms wrapped tightly around her as she ran her fingers through his hair. She swayed them gently and started singing softly to him.

“_She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight_

_ The only thing a touching him is a crack of light _

_ Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers _

_ And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers _

_ And she says you are not alone _

_ Laying in the light _

_ Put out the fire in your head _

_ And lay with me tonight _

_ You are not alone _

_ Laying the light _

_ Put out the fire in your head _

_ And lay with me tonight” _

She kissed the top of his head, his sobs slowing to quiet tears. He held onto her like he was afraid she’d disappear if he let go.

“Princess,” his voice rasped.

“Yeah, Bell.”

“I’m having a bad night.” He said weakly.

“I know, love.” She kissed his head again. “I’ve got you.” She repeated the words he always said to her to make her feel better- to make her feel safe.

He felt his heart melt at those words- the same ones he always said to her and he took comfort in the fact that it made him feel better.

He took a shaky breath, trying to get himself under control. After a while, he calmed down, but he didn’t move, just nuzzled further into her chest.

“I know you’re tired, Bell. But you have to eat.” She whispered.

He shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“You trained for 10 hours. I’m surprised you can still stand. Please, eat something. For me?”

He sighed again, but nodded against her. “Can I take a shower first?”

“A shower sounds like a good idea.” She agreed softly.

He sat up, wiping a hand down his face and turned to her. He still looked sad and she hated it. She hated the anxiety that would build up inside him for something he couldn’t change.

“I love you.” She told him. The words sounded so simple, but she really could never truly love another person the way she loved Bellamy Blake. The person who would carry the weight of the entire world for her of it meant she’d be happy.

“I love you too, princess.” And though his face was still troubled, he gave her a small, sad smile. “Shower with me?”

He held out his hand and she took it. “I wanna be wherever you are.” She said. “I missed you today. I miss you everyday you’re gone.”

“Five more days now.” He said sounding relieved.

“Five more days.” She repeated and kissed him. “Come on. Let’s get showered and downstairs so you can eat, then straight to bed.”

He followed her to the bathroom, the idea of sleeping, now more intriguing than anything.

_ Five more days. _

Five days sounded close, but it couldn’t feel more far away.


	43. ~ Hold On ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late guys. Hope everyone is doing okay with this whole pandemic thing. It’s been a little crazy.

After they showered, they headed downstairs to find everyone on the couch.

Murphy’s head turned to them and he caught Clarke’s eye. When she shook her head ever so slightly he sighed, looking up to see Bellamy’s eyes red.

“Any food left?” Clarke tried to ask cheerfully.

“Oh, we decided to wait for you guys.” Raven looked up at her as she reached the bottom of the stairs. “Well, most of us did anyway. We made exceptions for Madi and River.”

“You guys didn’t have to wait.” Bellamy’s voice was still a little deeper than normal, coming from behind Clarke.

“No, it’s fine.” Octavia said. “We all wanted to eat together. Dinner’s in the oven.”

Bellamy grabbed Clarke’s hand and walked to the table with her. She pulled out his chair and nodded to it. “Sit.” She ordered gently. “I’ll bring your food.”

He nodded, and sat down without a word and she went to fix them both plates.

“It’s the shit with your dad, right?” Murphy whispered in question to Clarke. “That’s what’s got him so worked up.”

Clarke just sighed and looked at Bellamy who now had Madi in his arms. She was laid against his chest, her head laying on his shoulder and Bellamy’s head was leaned against hers.

“Yeah.” She whispered back. “He’ll be okay. He needs to rest.”

“Maybe you should go with him to training tomorrow.” Murphy suggested.

“With Roan there?” Clarke said. “Somehow I doubt that’s a good idea.”

“Fuck.” Murphy cursed. “I forgot about him.”

“He’ll be fine in the morning. It’s just a bad night.”

“A bad night?” Murphy questioned. “He wants to kill someone, Clarke. I think that’s a little bit more than a bad night.”

“I know that.” She tried not to snap. “But I’m doing what he needs. He’s not still raging now, is he? He’s coming down from it. He needs to eat and sleep and he’ll feel better in the morning.”

Murphy still looked unsure.

“Look at him.” Clarke nodded his direction.

His eyes were closed, head still leaning against Madi’s. One arm was under her butt, supporting her and the other hand was running up and down her back. They looked peaceful, Murphy couldn’t argue that. Much more peaceful than he had looked before.

Murphy guessed she was right. It used to take him days to come down from it, when he worked himself up as badly as he had today.

“He’s gonna be fine.” She said confidently.

Murphy gave her a small smile. “You’re right.”

She took one last deep breath, picking up both their plates and walking away, ending the conversation.

Octavia walked up to Murphy. “What’d she say?”

Murphy gave a little shrug. “She’s got it under control.”

Clarke sat down their plates and ran a hand gently across Bellamy’s head. “Let me take her, so you can eat.”

“Can’t we just all go sleep?” He asked weakly.

“As soon as you’re done. I promise.” Clarke took Madi and placed her in her high chair so she could eat too.

The rest of them sat down and filled the room with noise, talking about anything and everything, just so there wasn’t silence.

Bellamy didn’t talk though. He kept looking at Clarke and Madi, like he wanted to make sure they were still there and okay, only stopping when Clarke slid one of her hands under the table, securing it on his thigh and he gripped it tightly.

Luckily he ate all the food she’d put on his plate. She was worried she’d have to force him to eat it.

“We can take Madi tonight, so you guys can rest.” Raven offered.

Bellamy’s hand tightened on Clarke’s.

“No, it’s okay. We’ve got her.” Clarke said. “She’s had a long day anyway and she looks pretty tired. She’ll probably sleep through the night.”

Bellamy visibly relaxed at that. Clarke knew he wanted them all together.

Once they were finished Clarke leaned closer to Bellamy. “Why don’t you take Madi upstairs and get settled in?” She suggested. “I’m gonna help clean up and then I’ll be right there.”

He nodded and stood up, scooping Madi out of her high chair and without a word, headed upstairs.

“We’ve got it, Clarke.” Octavia said. “You can just go up too.”

She nodded, but didn’t move to the stairs. “I, um, I think I’m gonna get a little fresh air.” She said, walking out the back door.

Octavia went to follow her, but Murphy stopped her. “Let me take this one.” He said.

For a second she looked ready to argue, but Raven shook her head and Octavia sighed, stepping to the side.

When Murphy went outside, Clarke’s head was tilted to the sky, her hands on her hips.

She didn’t move when she heard Murphy come out. She had known he would follow her.

“I’m fine.” She told him without moving. “I just need a minute.”

“I’m just here for silent support.” He walked up and stood next to her.

She took a shaky breath and shook her head, turning to look at him. “I’m trying to be what he needs me to be.”

“You’re always what he needs you to be.” Murphy told her. “But it’s okay if you need to take a minute to get it together.”

“It’s so hard to see him like that, Murphy.” She admitted shakily. “And if it’s hard to see him like _that_, I can’t-“ she cut off, shaking her head. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for him when I pull _my_ shit.”

“It’s hard.” Murphy told her. “But he does it because he loves you. And you’re doing it because you love him.”

She took a deep, shaky breath. “He really is gonna be fine. I’m not worried about that. I’m just upset because I hate seeing him like this. And I’m trying so hard to hold it together because he needs me.”

Murphy was just glad that she wasn’t blaming herself for his current mental state. “And you’re doing good, Clarke.” He shrugged. “You got him to eat, he wants to sleep. Which believe it or not is amazing. When he used to get like this, there was nothing we could do to stop it. Me and Octavia, we tried, but... he’d go for days like that.”

She nodded, feeling a little better that she was able to put him in a better mindset than if this would’ve happened before.

Murphy bit the inside of his cheek in thought. Now seemed as good of a time to warn her as any. “You know it’s gonna be hard to watch, right?” He asked. “The fight. It’s not gonna be like when him and I have a little spar in the ring. This is real, raw fighting.”

She bit her lip. “I know... but- god, Murphy, he’s been through hell for me. And now for Madi. The least I can do is be there for him.” She shook her head before continuing. “He’s never not there for me. He watched a video of my father beating the hell out of me. Listened to him say terrible things... he’s walked into rooms and wrapped my bleeding wrists because I-” she took a deep breath and shook her head again. “He did that, and he stayed strong. For me. So I’m doing this for him.”

Murphy smirked at her determination. “Alright then.”

She took one last deep breath and stood up straighter. “Okay.” She said more to herself than to Murphy. “I’m good.”

He nodded with a smile. “I know you are. Just head upstairs, alright. We’ve got the dishes.”

They walked inside and Clarke went to give Octavia a hug. “I’m glad you’re back.” She said.

Octavia looked surprised for a minute, but hugged her back. “Me too.”

And with that, she went upstairs.

“Are you an expert on both of them now?” Octavia asked once Clarke had disappeared.

“I’m an expert on how Bellamy feels. Unfortunately I can’t help him deal with it. Haven’t figured that one out yet. Clarke has though.”

“Is she okay?” Raven asked.

“Yeah.” Murphy sighed. “She’s like him. She hates seeing him like this, the same way he hates seeing her like she was the other night.”

“What do you mean like she was the other night?” Octavia questioned.

Murphy winced. He didn’t mean to let that slip. “She just had a bad dream. It hit her pretty hard. And you know him, he just doesn’t like seeing her upset.”

“Well, I’m just glad this is almost over.” Raven stepped in before Octavia could question it further. “He’s been working himself to death.”

“At least she’s getting him to sleep.” Murphy said and Octavia nodded.

She couldn’t argue with that.

•

Clarke walked into the bedroom to find Bellamy on his back, propped up with a ton of pillows behind him and Madi on his chest, already half asleep.

“Looks like someone else is tired too.” She smiled at the sight, keeping her voice quiet.

“Come on, mama.” He held his arm out. “I need my girls with me.”

She gave another soft smile and stripped down to her underwear, sliding in next to him.

When she had settled, he let out a breathy sigh and rested his head on hers. His fingers tracing patterns on her arm.

He found himself wishing again that he could freeze time. “I wanna hold on to these moments.” He whispered. “I don’t ever wanna lose them.”

Clarke lifted her head to look at him.

“The good moments.” He clarified. “The ones where I have you and we’re safe. Moments where I’m happy just because you’re alive and you’re mine. And we don’t have to worry about anything or anyone else.”

“Then hold on to those moments, Bell.” She whispered fiercely. “Hold on to them with everything you have. And pull them back to you when we’re in the bad ones- when you need something to bring you back up. Because we’ll always come back to the good, Bellamy. I promise you.”

Bellamy swallowed, searching her eyes and seeing the raw honesty there. “Our good moments already outweigh the bad.” He said.

She nodded, bringing her hand to his cheek. “They do.” She agreed. “We’ve come _so far_, Bell. Looking back at what I used to be... how many bad moments there were. Now the bad moments are farther and farther apart. But they’ll never go away completely.”

He closed his eyes and pressed his head to hers. “So hold on to the good.” He repeated her words.

She nodded and kissed him, then settled her head back down onto his shoulder, and he tightened his grip around her, Madi still laying on his chest.

“I need you to do something for me.” Clarke whispered.

“Anything.” He whispered back. And he meant that. He knew that whatever she wanted, he’d never be able to deny her of anything.

“Don’t work so hard tomorrow... you overworked yourself today and I know it’s because you were upset, but I hate seeing you do that to yourself- getting so worked up.”

Bellamy swallowed hard at that. It made him think back to all the times- all the things that he hated seeing her do and then he had to push down his guilt for doing this to her.

“I don’t want you to feel bad about it.” Clarke said, as if reading his mind. “I just want you to be okay.”

He took a deep, calming breath and nodded. “I’ll be better tomorrow.” He promised. “I already am.”

Clarke snuggled as far into him as she could, already starting to feel tired. “I love you.” She whispered.

That made him smile, despite the events of the day and he squeezed her tighter to him and looked down at Madi, who had fallen completely asleep. He would hold on to these moments until his last breath.

He knew that in his last fleeting moments of life, whenever that may be, these are the moments he’d cling to for comfort.

“I love you too, princess.” He whispered. “Both you of you.”

•

Early the next morning, Bellamy woke up to Madi stirring on his chest. He carefully untangled himself from Clarke and took Madi downstairs before she started making noise.

Murphy, to Bellamy’s surprise, was already awake. Sitting at the island with a cup of coffee.

“Hey.” Bellamy greeted, his voice still husky from sleep. “What are you doing up so early?”

Murphy shrugged. “Figured I’d head in with you this morning. Since I didn’t work last night and don’t have to tonight either.”

That answer seemed sincere, but Murphy’s eyes were darting all over the place.

Bellamy handed Madi, who was starting to fuss a little, over to Murphy.

“I know, princess. I’m gonna get your bottle.” Bellamy told her quietly.

He made the bottle and went to take back Madi, but Murphy shook his head. “I’ve got it.” He said, taking the bottle.

Bellamy poured himself a cup of coffee and sat across from Murphy. “You know you don’t have to babysit me.” Bellamy said seriously. “I’m not in the same headspace I was yesterday.”

Murphy made a face in thought. “But what if you go back there?”

“I won’t.” Bellamy said confidently.

“You may change your mind.” Murphy sighed and shook his head clear. “I think something is going on with Octavia.”

Bellamy looked over to the living room couch, where Octavia was still sleeping soundly and let out a sigh of his own. “She broke up with Niylah. She wouldn’t really talk about it.”

“I wish I could say I was surprised.” Murphy nodded towards the trash can. “Take a peak in there.”

Bellamy’s brows came together in question, but he went to the trash can lifting the lid to find his whiskey bottle, laying empty on the top.

His first thought was Clarke and his heart sank. Then he remembered she’d been wrapped tightly around him all night.

_It was Octavia._ His heart beat started to thrum in his ears. This was not what he needed right now. Or _ever_. Addiction was sometimes hereditary, which meant Octavia could be... His moms face flashed in his mind. He remembered seeing her in the morgue at the hospital and tried not to replace her face with Octavia’s.

_No_. He wouldn’t think like that. They were far, _far_ away from that. But he was going to put an end to this shit and he was going to do it quick.

He had half a mind to go in there and wake her up right now. Ask her what in the hell she was thinking and figure out what was going through her mind.

“Bellamy?”

Murphy’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he realized he was still just staring at the bottle in the trash can. He blinked and shut the lid, coming to sit back down so he wouldn’t start pacing.

“And that’s why I’m going with you today.” Murphy commented.

“I’m okay.” Bellamy said, taking a deep breath. “I’ve gotta think about this rationally. It may not be a regular thing. I’ve just gotta talk to her. See what the fuck is wrong with her.” He ended, sounding a little angry.

Bellamy turned his head at the sound of the stairs creaking to see Clarke making her way down them.

She walked over quietly and placed a kiss on Bellamy’s cheek, which he leaned into easily.

“Morning guys.” She said, padding over to fridge and pulling out the eggs. “Have you eaten yet?”

They both shook their heads and she started cracking eggs into a pan.

“Are you guys gonna tell me what’s wrong?” She asked after a couple moments of quiet.

Bellamy worked his jaw for a second and Murphy kept his gaze down on Madi, who had just finished her bottle.

“Octavia drank the bottle of whiskey in the cabinet last night.” Bellamy said roughly.

Clarke blinked, looking up from the pan. “How much was in there?”

“Enough to get real fucked up.” Murphy raised his eyebrows.

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked. “I mean, maybe there wasn’t that much in there. Or maybe it wasn’t her.” Even as the words came out of her mouth, she knew it sounded ridiculous.

“Well, it wasn’t us, and it wasn’t Raven.” Murphy said. “And it certainly doesn’t look like it was you. So unless River decided to have a party last night, that leaves us one option.”

“Shit.” Clarke cursed quietly. She quickly separated the eggs on three plates and slid Bellamy and Murphy each one, moving hers to the spot next to Bellamy.

“She broke up with Niylah.” Bellamy told Clarke. “I didn’t get anymore information other than ‘it was different there’. I don’t know if that has anything to do with this.”

“I can talk to her?” Clarke offered in question. “Let me just see if I can get in her head and feel her out a bit. She may be willing to talk to me about it, given my past.”

Bellamy bit the inside of his cheek, but nodded.

“I can call Niylah too. See if she has anything helpful to say.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Don’t let it stress you out too much yet, okay? There’s no way to know if this is a regular thing.”

He took a deep breath and nodded, pushing down the urge to go through Octavia’s bag. Maybe Clarke was right. He didn’t want to overreact. Especially after the not-so-good reunion that he and Octavia had yesterday. “Okay.” He agreed softly.

“Don’t focus on bad stuff today.” She told him gently. “It’s gonna be a better day than yesterday.”

“I’m trying really hard not to overreact right now.” He told her, a little tense.

“I know.” She kissed him gently. “Keep trying. Everything will be okay.”

He let himself believe her for now, relaxing enough to eat his breakfast. He really didn’t want another bad day, so he pushed it to the back of his mind as he kissed Clarke and Madi goodbye and headed out the door for the day.

He wouldn’t let himself think about the possible hell Octavia could put him through.

_ Not yet. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have some more free time coming up and should be able to write a lot more!


	44. ~ Hiding ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, guys. I hope you’re still hanging in there. I promise this all leads to something. I don’t want you guys to think I’m trashing Octavia’s character, because that’s certainly not my intention. However, things may get worse before they get better.

Once Bellamy and Murphy had left, Clarke went around and opened every curtain in the house, letting sunlight fill the house with warmth. She paused for a moment at their bedroom window, peaking out at the roof where she and Bellamy had so many memories.

_Hold on to the good,_ she reminded herself.

So she opened the window and climbed out to sit for a moment, breathing in the fresh air. Raven was watching Madi, so she didn’t have to rush back inside. She let herself enjoy the sun and the light breeze for a while, before forcing herself back to reality.

Now was as good a time as any to call Niylah.

For a moment, she thought she might not answer, then she heard Niylah’s voice come over the phone. “Hey, Clarke.” Came her easy voice.

“Hey, Niy. How’s it going?” Clarke smiled.

“It’s... different. It’s been a little tough. Things here are not the same as Shadow Valley.” She sighed. “Things are better though with... with Octavia being gone.”

“Yeah.” Clarke paused for a second. “I, um... I’m sorry about you guys.”

“Yeah.” Niylah sounded sad. “Yeah, me too. How’s she doing? Is she okay?”

“I’m not really sure to be honest with you.” Clarke admitted. “She told us she wants to transfer here at the end of the semester.”

“The end of the semester?” Niylah sounded confused. “Wait- she’s home right? She’s there?”

“Yeah. She got here yesterday.” Clarke said.

_”Yesterday?_” Niylah’s voice raised in pitch. “Clarke, she hasn’t been here for _months_. She dropped out and said she was going back home.”

“Fuck.” Clarke cursed quietly. “Was she... was she drinking?”

“Badly.” Niylah said. “We had a huge fight about it. That’s part of why we broke up. She started hanging around the wrong crowd, which apparently is easy to do around here. She said she was going home to get help.”

“God, Bellamy is gonna kill her.” Clarke said.

“I- I should’ve called.” Niylah said. “I knew how bad it was. I shouldn’t have believed her.”

“No, Niylah. This isn’t your fault.” Clarke assured. “Hey, I gotta go deal with this, okay. Talk later?”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Niylah said.

Clarke hung up and ran a hand through her hair. She wanted to call Bellamy and tell him right away. She didn’t need to make his day bad though, so she went back inside and headed downstairs.

When she reached the living room, she picked up the large book Bellamy had on the coffee table and slammed it back down loudly.

Octavia sat up quickly and looked like she immediately regretted it. “Fuck.” She muttered. “Why’s is so god damn bright in here?”

“Have you lost your mind?” Clarke asked her immediately.

“What?” Octavia blinked confused.

Clarke stomped to the kitchen and pulled out the whiskey bottle, then slammed it down in front of Octavia on the coffee table.

“Oh, god.” Octavia moaned. “Don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s nothing.”

“It’s _not_ nothing! Octavia, if anyone knows it’s not nothing, it’s me.” She argued. “How could you do this? How could you start something like this? You know where it leads.”

“I drank one night. What’s the big deal?” She tried to shrug off.

“Except it’s not just one night, is it?” Clarke asked her, knowing the answer. “Because then maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it is.”

“Where are you pulling this from? What makes you think that this is more than one night?” Octavia asked without answering.

“You smelled like alcohol yesterday when we got you from the airport. You ordered a mimosa with your fake ID at lunch _and then_ you drank half a bottle of whiskey.” Clarke said.

“Right. One day, Clarke.” She said annoyed.

“I talked to Niylah.” Clarke finally said.

Octavia tensed. “What? You had no right to call her and pry into my life.”

“I’m worried about you, Octavia. This can’t be your life. Drinking every day and night-“

“You did it. How’s it your place to judge me?” She snapped.

“You think I’m judging you right now?” Clarke asked dumbfounded. “I’m not judging you, Octavia, I’m _terrified_ for you, because I know where this goes, what it can turn into. How long has this been going on?”

Octavia looked at her hands. “I don’t know. A couple months. Can you just stop yelling?” She put her fingers to her temples and closed her eyes. Her hangover was feeling killer.

Clarke was quickly getting angry. “I can’t believe you would come here and guilt your brother like that. That you would make him feel like shit about not telling you how he feels. Giving him shit about this fight- for protecting his family, while you’re off getting fucked up and hiding this from him.”

“It’s just drinking, Clarke. Calm down. It’s not like I’m doing drugs.” Octavia said, sounding way to relaxed. “I’m not cutting.”

Clarke didn’t know whether to feel offended by that hit or just feel plain scared that Octavia couldn’t see what was wrong here.

“Yeah, right.” Clarke laughed humorlessly. “Just drinking. Where have I heard that before?... oh, right. From me. Then your mother handed me pills and I took PCP at that party and almost fucked my life up. I almost killed myself.”

“Maybe I’m not as fucked up as you, Clarke!” Octavia yelled. “I can handle myself! I don’t need anyone to pick me up like you do- to save me! I’m not cutting myself like you. I’m not waiting for someone to come pick me up off the ground and wrap my bleeding wrists because I can’t control myself!”

Clarke quieted at that, feeling like she’d been slapped in the face. The feeling all too familiar. She bit her lip and nodded. “Right.”

Octavia didn’t back down- didn’t show remorse for what she said.

Raven came down the stairs with Madi and a questioning look on her face.

Clarke looked at her, blinking back tears. “Can you help me load Madi and River in the truck? I think I need to get out of here for a while.”

“Yeah. Let me just grab my bag.” Raven handed her Madi and shot a look to Octavia, then ran up to get her bag.

“You know, trying to hide all this... hiding from the people who love you and want to help you... you just end up hurting them even more. You should already know that though.”

And with that she turned out the door, Raven following behind her.

•

“Do I need to have 8 fighters lined up for today?” Kane asked as Bellamy and Murphy walked in the gym.

“No,” Bellamy started. “I’m good. We can have a normal day.”

Kane nodded. “Will I have the Bellamy from yesterday at the fight?”

“I’ve got this. Don’t worry.” He said confidently.

“You think you’ll win?” Kane asked, sounding surprised.

“I think I will.” Bellamy said. “No one’s beat me yet.” He shrugged cockily, a lazy smirk on his face. He was determined not to let Octavia get in his head right now.

“That’s the Bellamy I like to see.” Kane smirked back. “Let’s get started.”

•

Clarke and Raven drove in silence for a while, except for the noise of Madi’s babbles and shaking of her toy.

“Clarke, what happened that led to that? What’s going on?” Raven asked after a while.

“I-“ she sighed and shook her head. “Murphy and Bell found the whiskey bottle empty in the trash.”

“It was Octavia?” Raven guessed.

“She’s been pretending to still be in school. But she dropped out months ago, and she’s been drinking. Her and Niylah broke up.” Clarke continued.

“Does Bell know?”

“Only that they broke up and that Octavia was drinking last night. A lot.” She said. “I was going to wait till they got home, but I may see if they can meet for lunch.”

Raven could tell Clarke was upset. Her grip was tight on the steering wheel- knuckles white.

“Hey.” She said softly. “Don’t let what she said get to you. You were trying to help and she lashed out. It wasn’t fair.”

Clarke took a shaky breath.

“There is nothing wrong with needing someone. She needs help, whether she sees it or not. Don’t let the things she said bring you down when you’ve been so high up, Clarke.” Raven said firmly.

“Bellamy is my rock.” Clarke said a little unsteady. “Without him, I wouldn’t be here and I know that. But for her to act like that makes me weak- and bringing up my cutting like that-“

“She didn’t mean any of that, Clarke.” Raven cut her off. “She’s just pissed because you called her out. It’s still completely fucked up that she said it, but it’s _not true_. You are so far from weak it’s not even funny.”

Clarke bit her lip, trying not go be too upset by it. “I really need to see him.” Clarke said honestly.

“That’s fine.” Raven comforted. “I’ll text Murphy and see if we can have lunch.”

Clarke nodded and finally pulled into the park, tired of driving around aimlessly.

Some fresh air would do her good.

•

Just after 12, Bellamy had finished sparring with Roan and he took off.

Murphy walked over to Bellamy, tossing him a Gatorade. “You feel like breaking for lunch?” He asked him. “The girls wanna meet up.”

“Are they okay?” Bellamy asked. They didn’t normally meet up midday.

“Maybe they found something about Octavia?” Murphy suggested.

“Is Octavia coming?” He asked.

“Not according to Raven.” Murphy answered.

Bellamy let out a short breath. “Yeah, let’s go meet them.”

•

They pulled up to the local Mexican restaurant to find the girls already outside on the patio, River laying quietly at their feet.

Bellamy watched as Raven snuck him a chip and he couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

He walked up to Clarke, placing a kiss to the top of her head and she grabbed his arm, squeezing it.

“Are you okay?” He asked, noticing the look on her face.

“Your sister lost her shit on her.” Raven snapped.

“What?” Bellamy asked alarmed. “What did she do?”

Clarke looked down and shook her head. “I called Niylah...”

“And?” Bellamy was starting to get concerned and sat down next to her.

“And... Octavia hasn’t been to school in months. She dropped out. She told Niylah she was coming back here to get help, because she’s been drinking a lot.”

“How much is a lot?” Bellamy was quickly getting angry.

“I don’t know.” Clarke shrugged, still not looking up. “I tried to talk to Octavia, but...”

Bellamy looked at Raven in question, and she looked pissed. “What the hell happened?” He asked, his protective side starting to flare.

“She freaked out on Clarke.” Raven said angrily. “She started going on about how it was just drinking and it wasn’t a big deal. And when Clarke tried to remind her of where that kind of drinking can lead, she told Clarke, and I fucking quote, she can handle herself and she doesn’t need anyone to pick her up and wrap her bleeding wrists like Clarke does. Then she had the fucking nerve to say just because Clarke needed someone to save her, doesn’t mean she does.”

He felt like someone stabbed his heart.

How could Octavia say something like that? He looked at Clarke, who still hadn’t looked up, but he could tell there were tears in her eyes.

Suddenly he just wanted to be home with her. They should be home, not out here in public, where Clarke felt like she had to hold back her feelings. But they couldn’t be home. Because that’s where Octavia was. And she was the one causing the current situation.

He swallowed down the anger he had for his sister in that moment and lifted Clarke’s chin.

She closed her eyes.

“C’mon, princess.” He urged her softly, masking his anger surprisingly well. “Look at me.”

She opened her eyes to look at him and a tear fell. His thumb was quick to wisp it away though. 

“You are stronger than anyone I know.” He said firmly. “Everyone needs someone. _I_ need _you_. There’s nothing wrong with that. You know that.”

Clarke’s chin trembled and she tried not to let more tears fall. “She said at least she wasn’t cutting. Like because I did, I’m weak, or-”

“You’re not.” He was trying his hardest to keep his anger down, but seeing Clarke like this... his mask was slipping. He wasn’t just angry, he was hurt. Hurt that Octavia could say something like that to her- that she could lie and cover up secrets like that.

_“You're not.”_ He repeated firmly. “She’s pissed off because her life isn’t going well right now. You tried to talk to her and she took it out on you. She was trying to tear you down. Don’t let it work, princess.” He almost pleaded with her.

She nodded and Bellamy kissed her forehead.

“I swear to god, Blake.” Raven started back up. “You better get your sister under control. I don’t ever wanna hear her talk to Clarke like that again.”

“You think _I_ do?” He said, on the verge of snapping.

“I think you better not take it easy on her just because she’s your sister.” Raven answered, just as fiercely.

Bellamy sighed at her anger, only so he didn’t work himself up more. Raven was wildly protective of her family. He’d seen how she could be and he understood it. He was the same.

“You know I won’t let her, Raven.” He tried to say calmly.

Honestly, if it was anyone other than his sister that had said it, he’d be headed towards a fight already.

“I’m gonna bail on the rest of today.” Bellamy said.

Murphy who had been quiet up until now, nodded. “I don’t think Kane would mind. You already put in a lot of good work today.”

“No, Bell.” Clarke argued. “I didn’t come to have you rush home. I was just feeling a little down and I wanted to see you in person.”

“I know you didn’t, but I’m gonna deal with this.” He said.

“Niylah said she really got into the wrong crowd. We have no idea what she’s been doing for the past couple months.” Raven said.

Bellamy huffed and shook his head. “Murphy, give me your keys.”

“Bell, maybe you should cool down first-“

“_Give me_ the keys.” He repeated more firmly.

“Please, Bell.” Clarke’s soft voice started and it made him pause. “I wanted to see you and I barely have. I don’t want you to rush away.”

He settled back into his chair and grabbed her hand, trying to take deep breaths as the waitress came to take their order. He couldn’t exactly leave when she said things like that.

“I don’t understand how she could do this.” Bellamy muttered after the waitress left. “After everything with my mom... how could she do this?”

He couldn’t keep the anger, the disappointment, the sadness out of his voice.

“Sometimes people make bad choices.” Murphy said. “That doesn’t mean she’s like your mom, Bellamy. It doesn’t mean she’s gone for good.”

“Maybe give her slack, Bell.” Clarke said quietly. “I’ve been in bad places before, maybe this is hers.”

“You wanted help. And you had so much more shit going on than her.” He said, still sounding angry. “What’s _her_ excuse for this shit?”

“If she would’ve talked to us, we could tell you.” Raven said, stirring her drink absentmindedly with her straw. “But since we got absolutely nowhere in that department...”

“Helpful.” Murphy told her sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, Murphy. But I’m pissed off.” Raven said, clearly not sorry. “Clarke worked her ass off to get where she is, and Octavia knows that. For her to purposely try to tear her back down...” she trailed off, shaking her head. “It’s bullshit.”

Bellamy was feeling much the same way.

“Raven, it’s really okay.” Clarke said gently. “She obviously has some stuff going on and she’s just trying to-“

“It’s not okay.” Bellamy’s deep voice cut her off.

She looked up at him and opened her mouth, but Bellamy spoke again.

“Don’t defend what she did.” He told her gently, because after all, she wasn’t the one he was angry at. “As fucked up as you got, you never went out of your way to hurt someone that was trying to help you.”

She bit her lip and nodded.

The rest of lunch somehow went by quickly and slowly at the same time.

Murphy had told him to cool down before he talked to her, but currently he didn’t feel like ‘cool’ was coming any time soon. His anger was growing by the minute.

He tried to calm down a little, picking up Madi as they walked to the parking lot and kissing the top of her head. “Daddy loves you, you know that?”

She looked at him and cooed with a smile, reaching towards his beard with her little hands.

Despite the fact that Clarke felt down from the mornings events, she smiled softly watching them.

Bellamy buckled Madi in her car seat and turned to Clarke with a sigh.

“We can steer clear for a little while.” Clarke told him with a small smile. “Give you guys some time.”

“Clarke... I don’t think I’ve ever been more angry with her than I am right now.” He said, his voice rough. “She knows what watching my mom did to me. How could she do the same thing? And how she could talk to you like that?”

Instead of answering, Clarke just leaned up and kissed him. He let himself get lost in it for a moment and it was the first time he felt like he was able to breathe since they’d sat down for lunch.

When she pulled back, he immediately pulled her in for a hug.

“I love you.” He whispered into her hair.

“I love you too.” She pulled back and let her thumb run across his cheek. “Octavia was right about one thing.”

Bellamy drew his eyebrows together in question.

“I think I was waiting for you to save me. I just didn’t know it.” She shrugged. “And I’m so happy you did.”

He felt warmth in his chest and found himself smiling at her. “Me too, princess.” He kissed her gently.

“We’ll be home in a bit, okay?” She said as she pulled back.

He nodded and walked around to the other side of the truck and grabbed Murphy’s keys.

“Ready for a fight?” Murphy asked.

“I’m ready to lock her in a room until she gets her shit together.”

“Don’t totally lose your shit, huh?” Murphy suggested as lightly as he could.

“Yeah, I’ll try not to.” He sighed in answer.

And with that, he headed to the car. Ready to have a fight he never thought he’d have to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to know how you guys feel about seeing other relationships. Maybe digging a little more into Murphy and Raven’s relationship? If you’d like to see more of it, let me know and I can definitely include it! Just wanna know if it’s something you guys want to see!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! 💙


	45. ~ Don’t Know Why ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fallout. I hope you guys think this feels realistic. I worked a while trying to get their conversation just right and I’m happy with the turn out.

Bellamy tried to take a calming breath as he walked into the house. He tossed the keys down on the entry table and looked at the couch where Octavia was laid out.

There were beer bottles around her. She’d been drinking. _Again_.

He tried not to scoff and crossed his arms as she sat up.

“Where the hell did you even get those?” He asked harshly. They didn’t keep beer in the house, so someone either brought them to her or she went out to buy them.

“Oh, look.” She answered lazily. “If it’s not the knight in shining armor, here to defend his princess’ honor.”

“You wanna talk to me about what the fuck is going on with you?” He asked, ignoring her comment.

“So if it’s not about _your_ feelings, you wanna talk?” She wasn’t drunk enough to slur, but she’d drank enough to make her angry. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” He snapped. “Do you know how you’re acting right now?”

“Oh, I’m _very aware_, big brother.” She said seriously.

“Octavia... this shit is exactly what mom did.” He pressed out.

“I’m not on any drugs!” She raised her voice. “You’re just scared because the other women in your life seem to have a death wish and now you think I do too.”

She was trying to hurt him, he knew that. So he tried not to let it affect him.

“Do you?” He asked.

“What, have a death wish? Pshh. No, I’m not mom.” She said easily. “And I’m not _Clarke_.”

He tightened his jaw at that, his hands coming to fists. “You seem to be forgetting a hell of a lot if you think Clarke has a death wish. You been drinking that much?”

“Maybe I have? What do you care?”

He shook his head. “How could you think I don’t care?”

“You’ve got this family now. You don’t need me in it.”

“That’s not true. O, we _all_ love you. Where is this coming from? Did you forget the conversation we had last night?” He really was confused about how she talking.

“No. I wasn’t drunk for that one.” She retorted.

“Octavia, I won’t let you stay here if you don’t let me help you.” His voice cracked. His heart hurt just thinking about it, but he couldn’t do this. “I won’t do it to myself again. If you don’t want help, then you have to get the hell out of this house.”

“You’re gonna kick me out?” She asked, astounded.

“If this is how you wanna live,” he gestured around to the empty bottles. _“Yeah._ I will. And I won’t let you talk to Clarke, or anyone else in this house that way again. They’re my family, Octavia. And I won’t have my daughter around this shit.”

“So just like that you’re done?” She asked, sounding hurt.

“I don’t _want_ to be done, O!” He yelled. “I want you to let me help you! I want you to tell me what happened that caused this. I’ll do what you want, Octavia. You need me? A therapist? _Rehab_? I’ll do what it takes, but only if you’re willing. I won’t fight you on it. I don’t have it in me again.” He ended sadly, the fight seemingly leaving him. “_You_ make that choice.”

She looked down at her hands.

“You want to be a part of Madi’s life? Wanna watch her grow up? Then make sure you deserve to.” He said.

She swallowed and wrung her hands together. “I can stop whenever I want to.” She whispered.

He laughed. The sound leaving his throat without his permission. Nothing about this was funny, but his mother had said those same words more times than he could count. Not once did they ring true.

“I’ve been seeing someone and- and he’s trying to help me stop.” She admitted when it was obvious he didn’t believe she could stop whenever she wanted.

“Seeing someone, like what? Like a therapist?”

“No, I... I’m dating him.” She said sheepishly.

“Is he the one who got you into this shit?” Bellamy’s voice roared.

“No!” She yelled back. “He’s helping me!”

“It looks like he’s doing a hell of a job.” He snapped. “Are you even _trying_ to stop?”

She didn’t answer.

“You _have_ to stop.” He said angrily. “You’re hurting everyone who loves you, Octavia. You’re hurting me the same way mom did. Every time she drank, every time she came home late or didn’t come home at all. Every time she came home covered in bruises. That’s where you’re headed. I don’t want a call some day that you’re dead, Octavia. I don’t want to have to ID another body of someone I loved and couldn’t help!”

Tears flooded her eyes and she shook her head, but didn’t speak. She knew how hard things with their mom had hit him.

“Do you remember the night mom gave Clarke those pills?” He asked, even though he knew she did. “Remember how scary that felt? Or the night of that party, how scared you were for her? When you saw how fucking scared _I was_?”

Tears fell heavily from her eyes now.

_“Do you,_ Octavia?” He yelled harshly. “Do you remember how much it hurt?”

_“Yes!”_ She yelled back through tears. “Yes, I fucking remember! I don’t wanna hurt any of you.” She cried weakly.

“You already have.” He said quietly, but angry. “Clarke has fought so fucking hard to get where she is. She fought her addiction and it fought her back _every step_ of the way, but she did it. She stood up in front of a courtroom full of people- in front of her father, the man who beat her for years- the man that tried to rape her, and she broke free from him. She still fights every single day to be happy. You watched her fight this, O. And now you wanna tear her back down?”

“No.” She cried, tears falling. “I don’t know why I said those things.”

“Octavia... what happened to make you like this? Why did you start this?” He tried again.

“I don’t know why.” She shook her head. “I don’t wanna go to rehab, I don’t need it.” She sniffed through her tears, but answering his question. “But I- I think I need help.... I think maybe a therapist.”

The pressure on his chest lifted some at that and he nodded, trying to let his anger deflate. “We can do that.” He said gently.

He hesitated for a beat, then sat on the couch next to her, pulling her to him as she cried. “I’m sorry, Bell. I’m so sorry.”

“We’ll get through this.” His voice rumbled.

And he hoped that was true...

•

An hour later, everyone got home, reluctantly walking through the door.

Octavia was passed out on the couch and Bellamy had a trash bag, picking up the mess she’d clearly left.

“Hey.” Clarke said softly.

“Hey.” He answered just as soft.

He nodded at them to follow him out the back door.

“So, what’d she say?” Raven asked first once they were outside.

“She wouldn’t tell me what happened. Why she’s acting like this, but she agreed to talk to a therapist.” He looked defeated.

“What about the drinking?” Murphy asked.

“She said she can stop anytime she wants.” He sighed, knowing now ridiculous it sounded.

“Where have you heard that before?” Murphy asked sarcastically.

“I know. Then she told me she was seeing some guy and he was trying to help her. I don’t know. But... I told her she can’t stay here unless she stops drinking. That if she wasn’t going to take my help, or get help, she had to leave.” He shook his head and sat down on one the patio chairs.

“You’re serious?” Raven asked.

“Yeah.” He said, sounding resigned. “I’m not putting myself through that again.”

Clarke moved towards him and he held out his arm, making room for her to sit in his lap. He looked up at her and didn’t bother to hide how conflicted he was feeling. “I told her I wouldn’t let my daughter be around that. And that she couldn’t talk to anyone in this house like that again.”

“Did she agree?” Clarke asked.

“She said she was sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but hopefully the therapist will help. She won’t let me directly help her and that’s fine as long as she’ll let someone else do it.” He said. “I just don’t want her on the same path my mom took.”

“I’m sure she’ll do the right thing, Bell.” Murphy said, handing Madi to Clarke. Then he pulled Raven towards the door. “We’re gonna head upstairs for a bit.”

Bellamy nodded, thankful Murphy was giving them privacy.

He let his head fall back as the door shut. “Can’t we ever catch a break?”

“Maybe soon.” She smiled sadly brushing one of his curls back.

Madi reached forward trying to repeat Clarke’s movement and Bellamy chuckled, grabbing her hand before it poked him in the eye. “Your coordination isn’t quite there yet, kid.”

“She wants to take care of her dad. She wants him to be okay.” Clarke said softly.

Bellamy looked up at her and nodded. “I know.” He whispered, squeezing her waist. “And I am. I just can’t go through that again... what my mom did hurt too much to watch Octavia do the same thing.”

“Do you think she’ll stay on board? Get on a schedule with a therapist?” Clarke asked.

“I hope so.” He shook his head. “We’ve never been great at sharing our deeper feelings with each other, and as long as this helps her, I don’t need her to start.”

“We’re running a little low on space.” She commented with a small grin, trying to lighten the air.

He huffed a little. “Yeah, I thought about that. We can make Octavia a place in the basement. It won’t take much work to get a good room down there.”

Clarke nodded and looked at him closely. “I’m sorry.”

“I just didn’t expect this from her.” He shook his head in thought. “It’s not about me, I know that. But it feels like she’s being selfish.”

“Because it hurts you?” She asked.

He nodded and swallowed.

“It hurts her too.” Clarke whispered. “I would know.”

His heart constricted. It wasn’t fair- the things that Clarke went through. “You came out of it though.” He responded, his voice raspy. “Am I doing the right thing?” He asked unsure.

“You’re doing the only thing you can, Bell.” She assured gently.

He sniffed a little, blinking back tears. “Is this my fault?”

“No.” She said firmly.

He turned his head, looking away and she grabbed his chin, gently pulling it back to her. “This is not your fault, Bellamy. You did everything you could for her.”

“Then why is this happening?” He asked sadly.

“Sometimes... things happen that we can’t control.” She answered just as sadly. “They’re just... meant to happen for whatever reason.”

“I wanna believe I did everything I could to help her succeed.” He said.

“And you did, Bell. I promise you.”

Madi reached her arms out towards Bellamy. “Dada.” She babbled.

Bellamy’s eyes snapped to Clarke’s, who’s mouth was open in surprise.

“Did she just say...”

“She did!” Clarke smiled widely, all thoughts from before erased.

His own face broke out into a smile and he moved his arm from around Clarke to take Madi in his arms.“I bet you have no idea what you just said, babygirl. But you made my day.” He told her in a deep voice and she babbled nonsense in response.

Clarke stood up. “We’ve gotta tell Raven and Murphy.” She said excitedly.

Bellamy followed her inside and called for them up the stairs.

Murphy came down the stairs quickly, Raven following behind. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?” Murphy asked worried.

“Madi said her first word.” Clarke grinned.

“What?!” Raven all but shrieked.

“She said dada.” Clarke smiled, looking at Bellamy who beaming, still holding a babbling Madi.

“Oh my god!” Raven jogged down the rest of the stairs and took Madi from him. “You are so smart. You’re gonna go to a tech school, just like your auntie and you’re gonna be a killer tech.” She said, holding her up in the air.

Madi giggled, kicking her legs around.

“Ooh!” She came to a realization. “Or you could be a scientist, or a marine biologist, or a-“

“Or she could just want a nice simple life.” Murphy cut her off. “Maybe she’ll want to be a school teacher.”

“She’ll be smart enough to be whatever she wants to be.” Bellamy smiled at her.

It was crazy how quickly his mood could change all thanks to one little word.

Octavia was up now, silently watching. She wasn’t a part of this family. Not right now. Like Bellamy said, she had to make sure she deserved it.

Watching them though, she longed to be a part of it. They all looked happy, thrilled at Madi’s first word and all Octavia felt was loneliness. Isolation. And maybe she’d done that to herself. She wasn’t really sure. But she was sure that she should’ve come home much sooner.

She also knew she owed Clarke an apology, but she wasn’t sure she was in the best headspace for it. So she silently slipped outside, leaving everyone else to their happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you guys. Your comments really mean the world and you guys are awesome. I’m excited to play with the Murven aspect of this fic some more. Hopefully Bellamy wasn’t too harsh on Octavia. I wanted him to really remind her of what things felt like and try to get in her head with that a little. Also wanted to throw a little feel good in there with Madi!
> 
> I also wanted to warn you guys that the next few chapters do get very dark and intense, so be prepared.


	46. ~ Just Breathe ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title based off Pearl Jam’s song, Just Breathe.
> 
> Trigger warning for this chapter.

The next morning was less eventful. Clarke worked the morning shift at the animal shelter until Raven picked her up early afternoon so she could watch Madi and Raven could head to class.

Once Raven had left, Clarke took Madi and River both outside. It was a beautiful day. The sun was mostly out, every now and then shaded by big, fluffy clouds. The air was still warm, but the breeze was starting to have the slightest chill to it. Fall would be here soon.

She laid a blanket on the grass for Madi. River stayed right next to it, but opted to lay on the grass, rolling onto his back and squirming, enjoying the weather. She sat down on the blanket herself with a book and let herself enjoy the sun while birds chirped around her.

A chill ran through her. Something wasn’t right. She looked up, confused. It felt like someone was watching her. Her eyes scanned the yard. It was an open field for about an acre, then wooded trees beyond that. She didn’t see anything though.

River popped up quickly, letting out a low, viscous growl. A growl she’d never heard from him before and her heart beat quickened.

Was she imagining things? In the back of her mind, she realized that she usually had Murphy or Bellamy with her when Raven went to class. But with Octavia here, none of them had thought anything about it. Bellamy was at work for another couple hours, then he’d head to the gym after.

Maybe she was being paranoid. But now her heart wouldn’t stop pounding and her breaths were coming faster. And River seemed convinced that it wasn’t just her imagination.

_God, please no._ She thought. She did _not_ need a panic attack right now.

She pulled her phone out and called Bellamy.

“Hey, princess.” He said easily.

“Bell-” she gasped. “Bell, something’s-“

“Hey,” his tone changed immediately. “Baby, slow down.”

He could hear it over the phone. This was a panic attack.

“I- I think-“ she cut herself off with painful breaths.

God, she felt like she was gonna pass out. Her chest burned and her vision was blurring.

Bellamy was about to speak again when he heard River let out a stream of growls and barks. Panic filled him. That was not a normal River bark. That was a dog that sensed a threat.

“Clarke, are you alone?” He asked urgently.

“I- don’t-“

That was all she got out.

“Fuck!” He cursed away from the phone, already racing out the door. He’d have to thank his boss for being one of the most understandable people in the world, later. “Hang on, princess. I’m coming.”

He kept her on the line, but joined Murphy on the call.

“Hey, what’s up?” Murphy answered.

“Murphy, where are you?” He asked, barely composed.

“I’m- Bellamy, what’s going on?” Murphy stopped, hearing River barking and Clarke’s panicked breathing.

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t fucking sound good. Where are you?” He asked more urgently.

“I’ll be home in like two minutes.” Murphy said, pressing the gas harder.

“Clarke, baby, are you home?” Bellamy asked, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. “You gotta answer me, princess. _Are you home_?” He asked, putting his best dominant voice on, hoping like hell it would make her answer.

“Yes.” She gasped out.

“Okay, alright.” Murphy rushed out. “I’m almost there, Clarke. Hang on.”

“Come on, princess.” Bellamy talked as soothingly as he could. “You know what to do, you’ve gotta breathe.”

“I c-can’t.”

River was still going crazy and it did nothing to quell Bellamy’s fear.

“You _can_, Clarke.” He said firmly. “Just hang on a little longer.”

She wasn’t sure she could last 2 minutes. She could barely hear them over the sound of her heartbeat in her ears. She knew she wasn’t getting enough air.

_Madi_. That single thought made her panic harder and she managed to gasp out her name.

“Shit.” Murphy cursed.

Bellamy gripped the wheel tighter and tried not drive himself off the road. His mind running completely wild with thoughts of what could be happening.

Clarke faintly heard tires squeal against the gravel.

“I’m here, Clarke.” Murphy said.

“Murphy, don’t hang up!” Bellamy ordered quickly.

He barged through the front door and found a surprised looking Octavia on the couch. “Where’s Clarke?” He asked frantically.

“Uh, outside, I think.”

The words weren’t even out of her mouth before Murphy was running to the back door.

There was Clarke, sitting on her knees, leaned over with one hand on the ground and one clutching at her chest. Murphy slid to his knees in front of her, River not giving up on his incessant barking. He looked quickly over at Madi.

“Bell, Madi’s fine.” Murphy pressed out, turning his attention to Clarke.

Bellamy let out a short breath. “I’m almost there.” She’d had panic attacks before, he knew that, but the fear that was ruthlessly running through his veins was telling him that this was different.

River darted across the yard towards the trees, sounding rabid and Murphy’s head swung in that direction. There was a flash of movement, then loud rustling noises as something ran back towards the front of the property.

“Hey, River! No!” Murphy yelled. He didn’t need River running off and getting hurt on top of everything.

River stopped in his tracks, still barking ferociously.

“Murphy, what the hell is going on?” Bellamy demanded, but the phone was down.

Murphy grabbed Clarke’s face in his hands, trying his best to mirror what Bellamy would do. “You’re okay, kid. You’ve gotta breathe.”

Clarke’s face was turning red and she was gasping for air. She didn’t seem to hear a word he said.

Octavia ran out and without looking away from Clarke, Murphy spoke to her. “Octavia, take Madi inside. Now.”

She rushed without question, picking up Madi, who was crying from the commotion and took her inside, just as Bellamy was busting through the door.

“They’re outside!” Octavia told him quickly. She side stepped to get out of his way and he bolted towards the back.

Murphy moved as soon as he saw Bellamy and pulled his gun from his waistband, running to the tree line.

Bellamy didn’t have time to question it though. One look at Clarke and he knew this was a bad one. He didn’t try to talk her gently out of it this time. He immediately sat behind her, pulling her back against his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around her, effectively pinning her body to his.

It was too late though.

_ She wasn’t breathing. _

“Clarke!” He moved to lay her on the ground, feeling for a pulse, but finding nothing. “Murphy!” He yelled, his voice not sounding like his own. “Murphy, she’s not breathing!”

Murphy was back at his side in an instant.

With hands shaking like he was sure they never had before, Bellamy started chest compressions.

“You don’t get to do this, princess. You don’t get to give up on me!” He demanded, then pressed his mouth the hers, blowing her lungs full of air.

Murphy stood, frozen in place as Bellamy continued pounding on her chest.

“Clarke, wake up!” His voice cracked. “You’re stronger than this. You have to fight!” He breathed into her lungs again. “Please, baby. I need you. Clarke, wake up!”

He breathed into her again, immediately moving back to beat her heart. “Come on, princess, please.” His voice cracked painfully and so did his heart. “You can’t do this to me! _Wake up!_”

He pressed his lips to hers, giving her his breath and she finally gasped for air.

Murphy sank to his knees, letting out a breath and Bellamy pulled Clarke to him immediately.

“There you go, princess. Breathe.” He couldn’t breathe himself, but that didn’t matter right now. “You’re okay. You’re okay.” He repeated like a mantra, but it wasn’t for her. It was for him. “You’re okay. I’ve got you, baby. Just breathe.”

And she _was_ breathing now. She sobbed into his chest, wrapping herself as closely around him as she could.

He just held her, talking to her as calmly as he could manage while she cried. “I’ve got you, baby. Let it out, it’s okay. Let me take it. Give it all to me, princess.” He urged her to cry, to let herself feel the release of it, to put it on his shoulders. As much as he hated hearing her cry, as much as it _hurt_, nothing could ever hurt him the way watching her stop breathing just did.

Right now, her crying was letting him know she was alive. She was breathing. And he’d take that any fucking day. It took every single ounce of his strength not to sob with her, silent tears falling steadily down his face instead.

“Just breathe, princess.” He rasped. “I’m right here.”

After what seemed like an eternity, she had cried herself to sleep. Bellamy reached up, pressing his shaky fingers to her pulse point, logically knowing she was still breathing, but needing to feel her heart beat anyway.

His entire body was shaking uncontrollably and his own breaths were still uneven. He looked over at Murphy, who’s eyes were still on Clarke, seeing he was shaking too.

River had given up on his mission, clearly satisfied that whatever threat had been there, was gone now. He was laying as close to Bellamy and Clarke as he could, letting out an occasional soft whine.

“She died.” Bellamy whispered and Murphy’s eyes blinked to his.

Murphy looked at him, shaking his head, trying to wrap his mind around what happened.

Bellamy was visibly pale. The event striking him straight to the core. He was no longer looking at Murphy. He looked like he was in shock.

Raven came out the door in a flash, taking the scene around her carefully. “Oh my god.” She whispered, seeing the three of them. “What happened?”

She went straight to Murphy, but he shook his head.

“Go to him.” He pointed over at Bellamy and Raven moved to his side.

“Bellamy, look at me.” She ordered.

He blinked dazedly, but complied.

“Are you okay?” She asked slowly and firmly.

“She died.” He whispered hauntingly.

“She _what_?” Raven shrieked, moving her hands to Clarke’s face, letting out a breath when she felt air.

“I- Raven, she died.” Bellamy’s voice cracked and he choked back a sob.

“She’s okay.” Raven assured. “She’s right here, Bellamy. She’s breathing.” She took his hand and put it on Clarke’s chest. “You feel that?” She asked. “That’s her heart, Bellamy. She’s alive. She’s breathing.”

_Thank god for Raven,_ Murphy thought. He couldn’t get his thoughts together. He couldn’t help Bellamy right now. He couldn’t even help himself. But here Raven was, coming in blind, trying to calm the storm. He let her words calm him down, not knowing whether or not they were actually helping Bellamy.

_ Clarke’s alive. _

“Raven, I-“ Bellamy couldn’t stop the sob that racked his chest this time. He’d used up all his strength and now he had nothing left. “I lost her. She- she was dead and I-”

“Okay,” she soothed softly, asking no questions. “Okay, I know, Bell. Just keep your hand there. Just feel her breathing.”

Another sob ripped through his body and Raven moved to sit, bringing his head into her chest as he cried. He let himself fall into it, still holding onto Clarke, afraid she’d disappear if he let go, and still holding his hand to her chest.

Murphy felt his own tears fall, letting himself collapse back onto the grass, no longer feeling able to support himself. He took a deep, shaky breath and rubbed his face.

What the hell just happened?

After a few minutes, Bellamy pulled himself from Raven. “I- I need to get her inside.” He said hoarsely.

“No, you need to just sit.” Raven argued, moving over to Murphy and pulling him to sit up by his hand. “And _you_ need to tell me what the hell is going on.”

He sniffed and shook his head. “I think we’re in more serious shit than we thought.”

That caught Bellamy’s attention, his red eyes snapping to Murphy’s in question.

“This wasn’t a panic attack that hit by itself...” Murphy said solemnly. “Someone was here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you guys on a cliffhanger and a shorter chapter. The next chapter will be much longer and I’ll update as soon as I can. This chapter was an intense one to write, and there’s some more serious stuff happening soon, so you guys hang in there. And as always, I want to thank you all for the kudos and comments 🥰😘


	47. ~ Lost You ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I hope you guys don’t hate me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff/got some bad news and haven’t been in a great headspace the past couple weeks. You guys were so amazing last chapter and I definitely should’ve updated sooner. I hope this makes up for it and answers some questions.
> 
> Much love 😘

“What?” Bellamy choked out.

“There was-“ Murphy tried to shake his head clear. “When I got here, River was in front of Clarke, barking like hell and- once I was in front of her, he shot off towards the trees. I- I saw someone running away.”

Bellamy’s blood ran cold. His mind struggling to keep up with everything happening.

“You’re sure it was a person?” Raven asked.

“It was a person.” Murphy said positively. “I know it was.”

“And I bet I know who it was.” Bellamy said darkly.

Murphy swallowed. He bet he knew too.

“You think it was her dad?” Raven asked, scared to hear the answer.

Bellamy didn’t answer. He couldn’t stop his body from shaking. Especially now that his anger was added on top of his fear.

“If it was, why didn’t he just do what he wanted?” Murphy asked, sounding confused.

“He did.” Bellamy forced out. “He got exactly what he wanted.” His grip tightened on Clarke and he forced himself to relax it so he didn’t hurt her with his grip. “He watched her sit here and suffer.”

Murphy could see the anger growing in Bellamy.

“He wanted to see her in pain.” Raven said in a sad realization. “It didn’t have to be him physically hurting her.”

“Not this time.” Bellamy growled. “If it weren’t for River, it could’ve been a hell of a lot worse. We need to get her inside. And I need to call Kane. That’s the last time that man steps foot on this property.”

“You think he’ll try to come back?” Raven sounded scared and Bellamy couldn’t blame her. Because he was too.

“Her mom warned us about him. Said he wanted her dead.” Murphy didn’t feel like this was real life. It had to be something out a scary movie or something. “Maybe that’s why she called the other night?”

Bellamy swallowed, trying to take a deep breath and still his body. “A little late for her to be trying to help now.”

He did his best to lift both himself and Clarke off the ground with weak knees. Raven was quick to stand and move behind him, steadying him as he stood up.

“Bell, maybe you should take a minute. Maybe we all should.” Raven tried to slow him down.

“I can fall apart later.” He said, then had to clear his throat. “Right now, I’ve got shit to do.”

He was putting up walls that would completely crumble eventually, but right now it was what he had to do to keep moving and keep Clarke safe. And if he didn’t keep moving, he’d be useless.

Murphy pulled himself to his own feet and walked on shaky legs, opening the door to the house.

Madi was screaming when they entered. Crying harder than they’d ever heard her cry. Octavia was trying to talk to her, swaying her back and forth, to no avail.

Bellamy closed his eyes at the sound. She sounded so scared and he hated it.

“I’ve got her, Bell.” Murphy assured with a hand on his shoulder. He needed to do something helpful and he could barely look at Clarke.

Bellamy nodded slightly in relief, then looked to Raven. “Can you help me get her settled in upstairs?”

“Of course.” She said, leading the way.

Murphy took a screaming Madi from Octavia, who looked beyond distressed and she didn’t even know what was happening.

“What the hell is going on?” She asked frantically.

Murphy kept his eyes focused on Madi. “Let me deal with this first.” He told Octavia offhandedly.

“She’s inconsolable.” Octavia said, plopping down on the couch, looking as distraught as Murphy felt. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh.” Murphy coaxed Madi softly. “I know it’s scary, munchkin. Everything’s alright. Mama’s gonna be fine. Daddy’s got her, I promise.” He soothed.

He had her resting against his shoulder, cradling under her butt with one arm and his other hand running up and down her back. “Uncle Murphy’s right here, kiddo. It’s alright.”

Her screams had quieted to regular cries as he spoke to her, but she was far from stopping.

“I think she wants Bellamy.” Octavia said, her head pounding from all the noise.

“Well... he’s a little preoccupied at the moment.” Murphy said, keeping his voice soft for her.

•

Upstairs, Bellamy laid Clarke in the middle of their bed and sat down beside her, still keeping one hand on her.

Raven grabbed a spare blanket and draped it carefully across Clarke, then sat down next to Bellamy. She looked at his hand, clenched in a tight fist, resting on his leg and she reached to cover it with hers.

His eyes shot to hers, still red from before and she just stared back at him. He knew what she wanted though. It was a silent plea to relax. He did his best, unclenching his fist to reveal a shaking hand. Raven grabbed his hand with both of hers and squeezed, and he had to hold in another sob. He squeezed back just as tightly, wishing like hell this wasn’t real.

“I feel like I’m in a bad dream.” He whispered.

He heard Madi still crying downstairs. It made his heart hurt even more. He’d never heard her cry like that.

“Can you ask Murphy to bring her up here?” He asked Raven roughly.

She squeezed his hand one more time and nodded, walking almost silently out of the bedroom.

“Babe?” She called to Murphy from the top of the stairs.

He turned to look at her, still trying to comfort Madi.

Raven tilted her head towards the hallway and he sighed, but started up the stairs. Bellamy should be focusing on other things, but Murphy knew he wouldn’t let Madi cry for long and she wasn’t quieting down for him. She was too worked up.

Murphy followed Raven into the bedroom where she took her place back beside Bellamy. Murphy paused, seeing Clarke on the bed. He could only imagine how Bellamy felt, because even he felt like falling apart at the sight. She looked so small in the king size bed, like it could swallow her whole. And _maybe that would be best,_ he thought. Maybe she’d be safe there.

He was torn from his thoughts when Bellamy spoke.

“I’ll take her.” Bellamy reluctantly let his hand leave Clarke so he could hold a still crying Madi.

Murphy blinked and handed her to him, then walked to sit on the other side of the bed.

Bellamy cradled Madi to his chest, keeping his eyes on Clarke while he spoke in a deep, soothing voice.

“Daddy’s got you, princess. You’re okay.” He said, rocking her gently. “Mama’s right here, baby girl. She’s okay.” He said the words, but his voice cracked, and he had to swallow another growing lump in his throat. “I know you’re scared.” He said. “It’s okay to be scared sometimes, but I’ve got you.”

Though the words were meant for Madi, Murphy took them to heart too. Because he sure as hell was scared by what just happened.

“Shhh, princess.” Bellamy continued. “I promise, I’ve got you. I’m not gonna let anything bad happen. It’s okay.” He kissed the top of her head as her cries turned in to tiny gasps. “There you go, baby girl. Daddy’s got you.” He assured again. “Just relax.”

He spoke lowly to her for a few more minutes, until she passed out on his shoulder, exhausted from her tears.

He laid her down gently next to Clarke and let out a heavy sigh, running a hand down his face. He’d finally stopped shaking, but he still felt like he had a thousand pounds pressing against his chest. He had to call Kane.

Clarke hadn’t stirred since he laid her down, so he moved his hand to her chest again to feel her breathing, to reassure himself she was okay. Then he let out another breath and pulled out his phone.

“Kane,” he started when Kane answered. “I need your help.”

Kane paused at Bellamy’s tone, knowing something was wrong. “What’s wrong, son?”

Bellamy shook his head and willed his voice to stay strong. “Clarke’s dad.” He said. “He was here. At my house and he- he was watching her.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “He wants to hurt her, Kane.”

“You stay where you are, Bellamy. No one leaves that house, you understand?” Kane said in the voice he used when he took charge of a situation. “I’m on my way.”

He hung up without waiting for a response from Bellamy.

“What’s he gonna do?” Raven asked.

“He’ll put this place on lockdown.” Murphy said, still sounding as if he was in another world.

Octavia timidly knocked on the doorframe, hovering behind it. “Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Raven answered softly.

“Speak for yourself.” Murphy whispered.

Raven shot him a meaningful look, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with her.

“No one leaves this house until Kane gets here.” Bellamy said. “We’ll figure everything out from there.”

“Can someone _please_ tell me what’s happening?” Octavia asked, still in the dark.

“What’s happening is I got comfortable and left her alone when I shouldn’t have.” Bellamy chastised himself. He felt sick to his stomach and he couldn’t push it down.

“I should’ve thought about it too.” Murphy added. “How did we slip after so many months of this?”

“You guys haven’t been letting her stay by herself?” Octavia asked, incredulously. “How do you plan to keep that up? You can’t do that forever. You can’t live terrified that her dad will come back.”

“He _did_ come back, Octavia!” Bellamy barely caught himself from shouting, shooting off the bed towards her in an instant. “And I _am_ fucking terrified. I’ll stay that way until that man is dead in the god damn ground. I left her alone _one day_ and he’s watching her. Torturing her without ever touching her. What happens if he gets his hands on her?” He hated himself for asking that question, because his mind ran wild with it.

Octavia’s jaw dropped open at that. “He- he was here?”

“Yeah.” Raven nodded sadly. “He was watching her from the tree line outside. She had to have sensed him and it sent her in to a panic attack.”

“And it stopped her fucking heart.” Murphy pressed out, standing quickly and shoving past Octavia, out of the room.

Raven sighed and looked at Bellamy who’s eyes were still glued to Clarke. “I’m gonna go after him. Are you okay?”

He managed to nod and she squeezed his shoulder before standing to follow Murphy.

Octavia looked at him and had so many questions swirling in her head.

Bellamy could feel her watching him, feel her questions, so he shook his head. “I don’t want... I can’t talk about it, O. Please, don’t ask me to.”

She nodded. “I know. Is it okay if I... if I just sit with you?”

Bellamy’s eyes glanced up at her in question and saw her worry, so he nodded. “Yeah.”

She slowly walked towards the bed and sat where Murphy had vacated.

For once, she wasn’t pushing him. She was willing to sit in silent support and Bellamy was grateful for that. His mind needed time to process this before he talked to anyone about it.

•

Raven opened their bedroom door and found Murphy sitting against the wall with his head in his hands, trembling.

“Hey.” She said softly, sitting down on the floor next to him.

“She died, Rae.” Murphy said, sounding confused and scared. “And I think- I think it’s my fault.”

“You need to listen to me.” She moved in front of him, taking his face in her hands. “She stopped breathing, but she is _not_ dead. And it is not your fault.”

“I should’ve moved quicker. I should’ve thought about her being home alone, and I-“

“None of us thought anything of it, babe.” Raven cut him off gently. “Octavia was here and we didn’t think about it.”

“But we _should_ have.” He argued. “I’ve never seen...” he took an uneasy breath and shook his head. “I’ve never seen Bellamy like that. And seeing Clarke on the ground, _lifeless_... Raven, I can’t get it out of my head.” His tears fell and he couldn’t stop them. “I see her there lying dead while Bellamy tries to breathe life back into her and I just fucking stand there, afraid to move. I was fucking frozen.”

“You did good, Murphy.” Raven argued. “You got here and it scared off her dad. You got Madi inside and safe. You had no way of knowing that Clarke was going to stop breathing.”

“I saw her struggling for air- she was red. But I- I didn’t know-“ his voice caught and he shook his head again.

“I know you didn’t.” She soothed. She pulled him to her and let him cry. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

Later, when no one was around, Raven would have her own chance to break apart from the days events. But right now, too many people needed her. So like Bellamy, she put her best walls up and stood as strong as she could for the people she loved.

•

Kane arrived quickly, doing an unnecessary sweep through the house to make sure it was clear.

He holstered his gun, walking into the bedroom to see Bellamy.

Octavia’s gaze found him immediately and he nodded.

“Octavia.” He greeted with a nod.

She glared at him without a word, so he continued.

“Would you mind giving your brother and I a moment?” He asked.

“I would mind actually.” She snapped.

“O,” Bellamy said softly. “It’s okay. Wait downstairs.”

She sighed and tightened her jaw, but stood up to leave the room.

Once she was gone, Kane went to the window, peaking outside of it. “The property is clear.” He started. “But we can see where his tracks are. He came from the west side. Parked his vehicle and headed on foot. It looks like he stopped at the tree line.”

Bellamy nodded. “He did.” He pressed out. “He was fucking watching her.” His hands clenched in fists again.

“Calm down, son.” Kane warned in a fatherly tone. “Your anger can’t help you right now.”

“I fucking leave her alone for one fucking day and he’s _watching her?_ How long has he been at this? Waiting for the right moment?” He was trying to keep his voice quiet, but he had so many emotions running through him. “I won’t be able to sleep until this fucker is dead, because if he hurts her, I swear to god-“

“We _will_ get him, Bellamy.” Kane said gently. “Right now, you need to breathe.”

“She died, Kane.” Tears filled his eyes again at the words, but he refused to let them fall in front of Kane. “She stopped breathing. Her heart...” his voice shook. “It wasn’t beating. She died in my arms and I thought...”

Kane looked at him sadly, then looked to Clarke, who still passed out. “Tell me what happened.”

“She called me and I could hear how bad she was panicking. I knew it was worse than usual. When I saw her-“ his voice cracked and he tried to clear his throat. “I tried to hold her because it calms her down, but it was too late.” He shook his head. “She stopped breathing and I- I did CPR and-“

“And you brought her back.” Kane said firmly. “You didn’t let him take her.”

“He could have though.” Bellamy sniffed. “I left him an opening. Gave the fucker a chance and now he’ll just get bolder.”

“Then you’ll have your chance to take him out.” Kane assured him. “Bellamy, we will take this man down, I promise you.”

Kane may have had other intentions when he agreed to help with Madi, but he cared for Bellamy. And seeing him like this, having his family be in danger- he wasn’t going to stand for it.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Bellamy said murderously. Not a hint of doubt in his voice.

“And I’m going to help you.” Kane said.

Bellamy let himself feel relieved for a moment, nodding at Kane.

“I have 5 men stationed around your property. They’ll be here until I give them orders not to be.” Kane said. “And that’s until we catch her father. I’ve got a search out on him, so make no mistake, we will find him. In the mean time, she and the baby are not to be left alone. If he’s been watching her, he knows about Madi and we can’t risk him hurting her either.”

Bellamy closed his eyes, trying not to let the worst come to his mind. He was starting to itch with the need to hit something. _Hard_. His family was in danger, the threat to them was still out there. And he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“Bellamy.” Kane said, getting his attention, waiting for his eyes to meet his. When they did, Kane could feel his turmoil. “Your girls are safe now. You’re here and you have them in your sight. I know you won’t let anything happen to them. My men will not leave this place until that man is dead. You understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Bellamy tried to push down his emotions, yet again.

“You’re allowed to be upset, son.” Kane said more gently. “What just happened to you is not easy. It’s not easy to watch and it’s not easy to process. If you need to let it out, do it now so you can be strong for her when she wakes up.”

“I need a fight, but I can’t- I can’t leave her. I won’t.” Bellamy said honestly.

Kane nodded. “You need an outlet for everything you’re feeling.” He said in understanding. “We can get you that.”

Kane stepped out of the room and Bellamy could hear him on the phone, but he tried to block him out and focus on the sound of Clarke’s breathing.

Her eyes were moving behind her lids and after a few moments, they blinked open. They closed back quickly, her body trying to wake up. She shifted her legs and Bellamy squeezed her hand in comfort.

What did he say to her without letting himself break down? She had died. Her father was watching her. Probably was after her. Probably would’ve taken her if it weren’t for River standing guard in front of her. How did he tell her that without fear she’d have another panic attack? Without fear of her dying in his arms again.

He took a deep breath, brushing his thumb across her cheek and her eyes finally fluttered open to stay. He felt some sense of relief looking into her eyes. Seeing her moving and awake, it eased some of his anxiety.

He leaned down closer and kissed her head without a word. When he pulled back, he could see her mind spinning, trying to remember everything that happened.

“You scared the fucking hell out of me, princess.” His voice was gravely and the tremble had returned to it.

Tears pooled in her eyes and she clung to his hand tightly. “Did I...” she stopped, afraid to ask the question and honestly, afraid to hear the answer.

“Yeah.” Bellamy pressed out. He cursed himself in his head for the tears that filled his own eyes again. “But you- you’re okay now.”

He saw the questions in her eyes and he knew she was scared, trying to recall everything.

He sniffed and cleared his throat. “You, uh, you were having a panic attack. You couldn’t get enough air and you...” his voice cracked and he let out a shaky breath, quickly wiping away the tears that fell. “You stopped breathing.”

Saying the words felt like he was being stabbed through the heart.

She closed her eyes, silent tears falling down her face and he was quick to brush them away. She’d known she stopped breathing. She had felt herself slipping into the darkness as she struggled for air, right before it swallowed her whole. She remembered feeling his breath fill her lungs and gasping for her first breath when she came back. She remembered hearing the agony in Bellamy’s voice as he called for her to wake up.

She tugged him towards her and that was all he needed, curling around her back, pulling her as close to him as he could. He knew he was holding her too tightly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care and she didn’t complain.

“Was it him?” She whispered.

Bellamy’s jaw flexed a couple times and his grip on her tightened even more. “We think so. Kane is here. He’s got security lining the property. He’s got a search out for him. We’ll find him.”

She let more tears fall, telling herself not to be afraid. She wasn’t afraid of dying if he managed to get her- she was afraid of_ living_. He’d make her life a living hell if ever got her back.

“He will _not_ take you, Clarke. I’m not taking my eyes off of you again... I’m so sorry.” He whispered shakily.

She turned in his arms to face him, careful of Madi who was still sleeping peacefully in front of her. “Listen to me.” She whispered fiercely. “This is not your fault. None of us knew he would come back.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He argued. “I’m supposed to protect you and instead I let-“ his voice broke and he shook his head, eyes red with tears. “I let you die.”

“You didn’t.” She said as he wiped her tears away. “You didn’t let me die, Bellamy. If you did I wouldn’t be here.”

“I thought I lost you.” He forced the words out, feeling the pain of them full force. “I _did_ lose you.”

“You didn’t, baby.” She said. “I’m right here. You didn’t let me go.”

He let out a sob and pulled her to him again, and she buried her face into his chest. Neither of them said anything for a while, just holding each other tightly.

Eventually, both of their tears subsided. Bellamy just let his hand run up and down her back in a strong, steady motion.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop myself.” She told him gently.

“Don’t.” He pressed out. “You know there’s nothing you could’ve done. It’s not your fault either.”

“What happens when you find him?” She asked hesitantly.

“I’m not sure, princess.” He said even though he absolutely knew.

She shook her head. “Don’t lie to me, Bell.” She said weakly. “I can take it.”

“He’ll kill him.” Kane said, stepping back into the room.

Clarke sat up, forcing Bellamy to release his grip and looked at Kane hard. “He’s not going to prison for this. Not for that piece of shit. I’m not losing him over it.” She said strongly.

“You won’t lose him.” Kane assured softly. “Bellamy _will_ kill him. I have no doubt about that. You nor I can stop him.”

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t going to tell Clarke all this. Not yet.

“And when he does kill your father,” Kane continued. “No one will ever know. I’ll make sure of it. I promise you that.”

Clarke bit her lip in thought. “How can you be sure?”

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” Kane grinned at her. “You don’t need to worry about anything, alright?”

And for some reason, she believed him. She nodded at him and he returned it, turning to Bellamy. 

“Unfortunately, we need to find him first.” Kane said. “The police have been looking for him for over a week. He didn’t show up for his last court date. He’s considered to be on the run.”

“He knew it was over. That’s why he’s after me now.” Clarke said. “He has nothing to lose. If he kills me now, he’s going to jail anyway.”

“They didn’t think that’s information they should tell us? That the man who abused her is running lose somewhere!” Bellamy said, getting angry.

“The local authorities likely didn’t want to panic you-“

“A lot of fucking good that did.” Bellamy snapped, cutting Kane off.

Bellamy went to get off the bed, but Clarke quickly turned and caught his wrist. “Bell,” she said softly. “It’s okay.”

“Nothing about this is okay!” His voice boomed. “You died in my arms, Clarke! I felt you stop breathing! And it’s because the man who tortured you for years sent you flying into a panic attack, and I wasn’t here to stop it!”

He didn’t understand how she was so calm when he felt like his chest was going to explode.

Madi started crying softly, woken up by his yelling.

Clarke saw he was close to his breaking point. She stood up and guided his hand to her chest. “Hey, look at me.” She said calmly. “I know you’re scared, Bellamy, but I’m right here.”

He closed his eyes and let his hand rest on her, feeling the rise and fall. “How are you not terrified by what happened?” He asked, resting his forehead on hers.

“Because I have you.” She put her hand on his cheek. “You didn’t let me die, Bell. I know how terrifying it is. I know how you feel, like your heart is going to rip out of your chest and kill you. I know what that feels like, because I’m scared of losing you too. But feel me, Bellamy... I’m right here.”

Kane watched, almost mesmerized as Bellamy let Clarke guide him back to the bed.

“I’m supposed to be the strong one here.” He whispered.

“You always are.” She kissed him softly, then nodded to Madi who was still crying from the rude awakening. “Now hold your daughter and tell her everything’s okay.” She told him gently.

Bellamy sniffed and turned to pick up Madi, cradling her close. It didn’t take long for her to stop crying this time.

Raven peaked her head in the door and let out a breath of relief when she saw Clarke and headed straight for her.

Neither of them said a word, just held onto each other for a few moments. When they pulled back Raven looked at her closely, brushing Clarke’s hair back. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Clarke said confidently. “I don’t think this place has ever been more protected.” She said with a look at Kane.

“You girls need protection wherever you go.” Kane told them. “Class, work, grocery store. I want someone with you at all times.”

“That seems a little like overkill for me.” Raven made a face. “He doesn’t want me.”

“We don’t know that. It’s not up for debate.” Bellamy said from the bed. “Until he’s found and dead, neither of you needs to be anywhere or go anywhere alone.”

Raven opened her mouth, but was quickly cut off.

“Don’t argue with me, Raven.” He ordered.

She huffed and shook her head. She knew he was right. After what happened, she really couldn’t argue. “And who’s gonna kill him?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Murphy said from the doorway. He was pretty sure Bellamy wouldn’t tell Raven the truth, but she didn’t need to know that Bellamy would kill him. “How long has he been missing?” He asked Kane.

“Over a week. He didn’t show up for court.” Kane answered.

“You’ve got a search out?” He asked.

“All of my best trackers are looking.” Kane confirmed.

“Maybe they shouldn’t be.” Clarke said. 

Bellamy’s brows furrowed. “Why?”

“Maybe we let him come.” Clarke said. “Even make him think I’m here alone and it’ll draw him out. If we clear the property of guards, it’ll give him access back here. And if he comes back and sees everyone but me leave, he’ll take a shot.”

“I’m not driving off and leaving you here alone again.” Bellamy said firmly. “You can forget that plan.”

“How else are we going to find him?” Clarke asked. “This will draw him out.”

“I don’t care.” Bellamy stayed firm, using his dominant voice, knowing Clarke wouldn’t argue with it. “We’re not doing it, Clarke. End of discussion.”

“I could stay with her.” Kane said. “He wouldn’t need to know I was here. Then you leave, he comes in, you turn around and come back and then boom.”

“It’s not happening.” He tried not to raise his voice. _“End of discussion.”_

Kane sighed and moved to look out the window. “I’ve got them bringing in a portable fighting ring and a fighter.” He told Bellamy. “You have steam you need to blow off. And the fight is in three days. I’ll have extra security escort Murphy and Clarke at the fight. Though I doubt her father would be able to get anywhere near the UUG.”

“That man doesn’t know anything like that exists.” Raven said. “He’s not smart enough or badass enough to get into underground fighting rings.”

“Raven’s right. He probably doesn’t know they even exist. He uses the power of money or his fists.” Clarke said. “He doesn’t use his brain.”

“Security will be elevated nevertheless.” Kane said.

Bellamy handed Madi, who was quietly content now, over to Clarke. He kissed the top of her head, a silent gesture to show he wasn’t angry.

“They’re here to set up the fighting ring. I’ll be outside if you need me.” Kane said, excusing himself.

Murphy wouldn’t look any of them in the eye and he wouldn’t even look Clarke’s direction.

Octavia stepped back in and looked around in question. “Bell, you’re gonna fight after this?”

“He needs it, Octavia.” Clarke said softly. “Don’t make it harder than it needs to be.”

Octavia worked her jaw, shaking her head in frustration. “Clarke almost just _ died_ and violence is how you’re gonna make yourself feel better?”

“Yeah, and alcohol is how you’re going to make _ yourself_ feel better.” Bellamy snapped, pointing his finger at her. “You can’t judge me for this.”

He knew he was being harsh, but he couldn’t stop himself right now. He couldn’t listen to Octavia chastise him for something he needed.

“Right.” Octavia nodded, clearly upset. “Whatever.” She muttered, turning to head back down the stairs.

Bellamy sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Clarke wanted to tell him he shouldn’t have thrown it in her face, but now didn’t seem like the time.

“I’m gonna go help Kane.” Murphy mumbled, still not looking at anyone, and headed out the door.

Clarke sighed and looked at Raven.

“He’ll be okay.” Raven told her. “He’s just not taking what happened very well. It was hard for him to see you like that.”

“It was hard for everyone.” Bellamy said angrily. There really was no ‘everyone’. Only really him and Murphy, but it didn’t matter.

Raven gave Clarke a sad look without looking at Bellamy. “I’ll take Madi and put her in her crib. Give you guys some space.”

Clarke nodded, handing Madi carefully over to Raven.

When she was gone, it was finally just the two of them.

She had died. She felt strangely calm about it. It had scared her. But she was alive now. Bellamy wouldn’t let her die.

But how would _he_ get past it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you guys AND apologize again 😘🥰 I PROMISE the next chapter will not take two weeks!


	48. ~ Just Not Okay ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, as always, are amazing! I’m trying to get back on course with writing!
> 
> The song for this chapter reverie by Isaac Gracie

Bellamy let himself sink to his knees once they were alone again. Clarke walked over and gently sat in front of him.

“Bell, it’s okay if you need to fight.” She said softly, placing her hand on the side of his face. “If you need to hit something and let out some of this shit, that okay... but talk to me, _please_.”

“Every time I close my eyes...” he started roughly. “I see you lying there... I picture your fucking father hovering over you and taking you from me, hurting you.”

Clarke just kept her hand steady on his cheek, listening to him. This wasn’t going to be something she could fix with words.

“And I swear to god, I’m gonna kill him.” He continued forcefully.

“I know.” She whispered. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about that. On one hand she _wanted_ her father to die. Here he was, trying to hurt her again. He deserved to die for the things he’d done and _would_ do if he ever got the chance. On the other hand, she was terrified, even with Kane’s promise that Bellamy wouldn’t go down for it.

“All I wanna do is live.” He admitted. “I wanna live with you and be happy and not worry about when he’s gonna come back, or when he’ll try to call you or if he’ll try to hurt you. And god, Clarke, I can’t see you die again.” He ended weakly.

“Bell,” she scooted closer to him, but he wouldn’t look at her.

“I can’t.” He shook his head. “I’m scared, Clarke. If I lose you, I-“

“I know.” She cut him off gently. She didn’t want to hear him say he wouldn’t make it. “I know how you feel, Bell, because I’ve felt the same. It’s okay.”

“This is different.” He argued sadly. “I’ve never felt like that in my entire life... feeling you stop breathing- seeing it... I watched you die.” His voice cracked.

It was like he couldn’t stop saying it. And maybe it was because he couldn’t stop _seeing_ it.

“God, I can’t even think straight.” He grabbed her hand and pressed his cheek harder into it in an effort to ground himself.

“I know I can’t make that disappear.” Clarke whispered. “That I can’t erase what you saw. And I’m so sorry, Bellamy. Just try to focus on the fact that I’m right here.”

He nodded and tried to swallow down his emotions. He did need to let some frustration out. But he wasn’t about to let her out of his sight. “I need you to come with me.” He said honestly. “I need to fight, but I need _you_... I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to let you out of my sight again.”

She knew eventually, he’d calm down and hopefully wouldn’t feel the fear that she knew he was feeling right now, but she nodded anyway. “Wherever you need me, Bell.”

“Can we just sit here for a few minutes?” He asked, sounded unsure of himself.

Her mind went back to the day his mom had died. He’d had the same timid voice then too, when he’d asked her the same thing he was now.

She didn’t answer at first, reliving the moment in her head.

_Guess you hold on to the bad moments too_, she thought. Then she pushed him gently so he was sitting on his butt, and turned herself, sliding between his legs and leaning back onto his chest. His arms immediately went around her and he buried his face into her neck, clinging to her tightly, his breaths uneven.

“Whenever you’re ready.” She whispered.

•

The rest of the day went as easy as it could have. Kane had Bellamy go a few rounds with the punching bag first, getting out most of the really heavy hits he had in him, then let him duke it out with a fighter he’d brought in. Clarke sat patiently the whole time, mesmerized by watching him and River sat quietly and contently at her feet.

Octavia has steered clear of really everyone for the rest of the day.

“I’ll leave the ring out here.” Kane said. “No reason to load it up. We’ll bring fighters to you, so you can keep an eye on her.” Kane said, knowing he wouldn’t get Bellamy to leave Clarke and if he did, he’d be useless.

They had set it up in the yard. An entire outdoor gym. Bellamy sort of wondered why they hadn’t thought of this before, but nodded his thanks to Kane.

“Do you need me to stay, son?” He asked lowly, stepping in close to Bellamy so only they could hear.

Bellamy worked his jaw in thought for a second before shaking his head. “No, it’s okay. You shouldn’t have to hole up here too.”

Kane nodded and clapped his shoulder. “The security stays.” He said. “I’m not taking any chances and neither should you. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.” He looked at Clarke who was letting herself watch the sunset, River glued to her side, then back to Bellamy. “Unless you want me to come sooner... I know you have to be at work.”

Bellamy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There was no way he was going to work tomorrow. Did he want Kane here just in case though? After a minute of thinking, he shook his head clear.

“I’m not going to work tomorrow. She’s not getting out of my sight until he’s dead.” Bellamy said. “Your security is here and Murphy... it’ll be fine.”

“If you change your mind, just call me.” Kane said, then handed Bellamy a handheld radio. “They’ll let you know if there’s any sign of trouble.”

The security that surrounded the property was one of the only things that was helping him hold his sanity in place. But he still knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.

When Kane was gone, Bellamy walked to where Clarke was sitting in the grass, watching what was left of the sun disappear. He sat next to her and followed her gaze out to the horizon.

“How can the world be so beautiful and so awful at the same time?” She whispered.

He’d wondered the same thing more than once. When he looked at Clarke and Madi, all he saw and felt was warmth and love. But he didn’t have to look much farther to see coldness and hate.

Sometimes it seemed like it was trying to drown them.

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. He turned his head to look at her and had to catch his breath when she looked back at him. Her skin glowing in the soft, orange light and her eyes sparkling at him. “But it is.” He finished, reaching his hand up to her face. “Sometimes it’s so beautiful, I can’t believe it’s real.”

She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. His hand moved to her neck. He covered her mouth with his and she opened hers to him immediately. When he pulled back, she rested her forehead on his.

“I’m scared of what he could do to me...” She admitted softly, through closed eyes. “I’m scared of being alone.”

His heart broke at her words and he had to swallow. “You’re never going to be alone. I won’t leave you.” He said as strongly as he could. “And he’s not gonna touch you, princess. I promise.”

“What if I’m not meant to have a happy life?” She asked. “What if- what if I’m destined to live in fear of what he-“

“You’re not.” He cut off, firmly. “Clarke, you’re not meant to live in fear of _anything_. I won’t let you. You understand me?”

She just looked at him, eyes still sparkling in the dying sunlight.

“You are my _world_, Clarke. I won’t leave you alone again, ever. I won’t let anything happen to you and I won’t let you live in fear of him.”

He wanted to tell her that he’d die for her, but he caught his words. They weren’t what she needed to hear right now. He knew they’d scare her more than comfort her.

“I’m not scared when I’m with you.” She told him softly.

He felt his heart melt a little at that and he gave her a small smile.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Bell.” She whispered, sounding almost sad.

“You know,” he started softly. “You always tell me that I saved you... that you wouldn’t be here without me, but the truth is... I don’t think I’d be here without you either.” He brushed her hair back and held her gaze. “The whole time I thought I was saving you but, really you were saving me, and I... I didn’t even realize it at first. But, god, Clarke... I don’t wanna think about where I’d be without you.”

He thumb brushed a single tear off her cheek and she gave him a small smile.

“When you stopped breathing, I thought for sure I would too. I need you with everything in me. It’s like you’re a part of me and I never want to let that part go. I can’t.”

“Then don’t.” She whispered, pulling him back in to kiss him again.

It was easy to get lost in it. To let himself only feel her and finally forget all the hell they’d been through during the day. He didn’t want to feel the fear and anxiety and heartbreak that he’d felt since she called him. So he fell deep into her, pushing her back onto the soft grass.

She let him steal back the breath that he’d given her earlier that day, giving herself to him. His fingers came to her waist, gently lifting the hem of her shirt to brush them across her skin. She felt the blades of grass tickle her sides and the cool breeze raised goosebumps on her skin.

As much as he wanted to bury himself inside her, he held back, kissing her with everything he had instead. His strong hands coming to the side of her neck.

_This_... this was a moment he didn’t want to end. With the sun barely peaking over the trees, leaving a soft glow over them, making her look like an Angel, the wind blowing through their hair gently and not thinking about anything else in the world other than her.

She pulled gently at his shirt and he couldn’t find it in himself to deny her, helping her lift it over his head.

He moved to kiss her again and paused before pulling her shirt off. “Fuck, baby. We can’t. Not out here.”

“Please, Bell.” She said in a small voice, looking at him with nothing but love and trust in her eyes. “I need to feel you.”

He swallowed and his breath caught at the sight. She trusted him to keep her safe and she always would. He quickly scanned the area around them. They were far enough away from the house and the security guards would be watching the perimeter. They couldn’t see them from where they were.

He gave in, closing his mouth over hers again and felt her sigh of relief, then he kissed his way to her collarbone and lifted her shirt off.

When his mouth touched her skin again she let out a content breath. He tried as hard as he could to move slowly, gently, but he was close to losing control. He needed her too.

He pressed his length against her through their layers of clothing and she closed her eyes at the feeling, bucking her hips up to meet his.

She tugged at the waist of his workout shorts and he easily pulled them down, kicking them aside, then pulled hers down to follow.

He unclasped her bra and laid a soft kiss to her nipple and she shuddered, needing to feel more, but he stayed moving at an achingly slow pace. He kissed his way down her body, letting his hands feel every curve she had.

When he placed a feather light kiss on her center, she felt like she could cry. She gasped, winding her hands tightly in his hair. “Bell...”

He closed his mouth around her and her head fell back as he swirled his tongue and she swore she saw stars. His hands came to her hips to still her as she tried restlessly to buck against his mouth. He was trying to draw this out as long as he could. That wasn’t going to be long for her though.

Her breath hitched and she called his name again. He swore he felt himself grow even harder at the sound.

“Bell... Don’t let me come, please.” She begged softly. “I need you.”

He got her as close to the edge as he could before stopping and moving his mouth back to hers. She moaned at the taste of herself on his tongue, and he didn’t hesitate, pushing inside her. He paused for a moment, letting them both adjust to the sensation.

God, he loved her so much it hurt. He’d never felt like this with anyone else and he knew he never would. He felt tears threatening to surface and he swallowed hard, pushing them down.

Clarke clung to him, pulling him tight against her, her legs moving up his waist, letting him fill her deeper. She let out a gasp, fisting her hand in his hair. He let his head fall into the crook of her neck and let out a low groan, keeping a steady rhythm.

Her walls were already tightening around him, and he was close.

“God, Clarke.” He breathed against her skin.

Her eyes fluttered shut as her orgasm took her, and she grasped at him, trying to call out his name, but unable to form any words. He let himself follow her, growling lowly, spilling inside of her with her name on his lips.

One of his hands ran gently through her hair as they both came down and he tried not to shake as he held himself up enough to not crush her. She pulled him down to her chest though, wanting to feel his weight, shattering his efforts.

“I love you so much.” Clarke whispered into the top of his head. Those words never sounded good enough, but she said them anyway because she did.

He nuzzled further into her and let himself breathe her in, but his breath caught in his throat, his emotions finally taking over. “I love you too, princess. So fucking much.” He let his tears fall quietly as they held onto each other and kissed the tears on her cheeks.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he untangled himself from her and moved to grab their clothes. He helped her dress before he slipped his own clothes back on, then instead of moving to stand, he laid back and pulled her to his chest.

The sun had long since set and there was a chill in the air now, but he wasn’t ready to face everyone inside. So he wrapped his arms around her and she buried herself into his chest happily, embracing the warmth.

Before long, her breaths evened out and he knew she’d fallen asleep. Now he wasn’t sure he’d have the heart to move her. He let himself relax, listening to her breathe. A chill ran through him as the wind blew. He knew it was too cold to sleep out here, but he wasn’t feeling inclined to move anytime soon.

•

Raven had finished feeding Madi and was walking down the hallway when she heard the shower running and knew it had to be Murphy. It appeared that he’d been hiding from just about everyone all afternoon.

Their talk earlier hadn’t really led anywhere. She put Madi in her bouncer and placed it in their bedroom and decided to wait for Murphy.

He almost looked disappointed to see her waiting for him. He roughly towel dried his hair and she heard him sigh with his back to her.

“Can you talk to me?” Raven asked quietly.

“What, to tell you that I almost let someone that we both love die?” He asked, anger lacing his voice. “Yeah, I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Murphy, I just wanna help you.” She tried softly.

“You can’t, Rae. Not with this.” He shook his head. “You may have _yourself_ under control, but I don’t. I fucked up and nothing you say is gonna fix that. I _don’t_ want to talk about it.”

She sighed and pushed tears down quickly. “You think this is easy for me? What if I _need_ talk about it?”

_“I can’t!”_ He said, barely holding himself together. “I don’t know what to fucking do with myself. I can’t look at her without picturing her dead and I can’t stand it. We could’ve lost her, Raven! This wasn’t something that she could control. This almost took her from us for good!”

“You don’t think I know that?” Raven raised her voice. “You’re freaked out, I get it, but you weren’t the only one this happened to.”

“Right. But I _am_ the only one that almost killed the woman my best friend loves. He should hate me for it.”

“Murphy, please.” Raven tried again softly. “You’re not thinking straight. You didn’t almost kill her. It had _nothing _to do with you. If you would just lis-“

“Please, Raven.” He cut her off, his voice turning to a whisper, almost begging her. “Please, don’t make me talk about it. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat and lifted her chin, pushing down everything she felt. “Fine.” She went to pick up Madi. “Let me know when you’re ready to be my boyfriend again and stop trying to deal with this yourself.”

Murphy closed his eyes as the bedroom door shut behind her. “Fuck!” He cursed, throwing the towel across the room.

•

Bellamy could hear someone moving towards them and before long, he deciphered that it was Raven.

He turned his head to look at her and grinned a little. She had two pillows and a thick blanket in her hand.

“Lift up.” She bounced her head in an order.

He listened obediently, lifting his head for her to shove the pillow underneath. Once she had, she covered them with the blanket and sat down in the grass next to him, lifting her gaze to the sky.

“Comfier than the roof?” She asked with a teasing grin.

He huffed a small laugh. “Not by much but... as long as she’s here it doesn’t matter.” He said honestly.

“I brought your gun.” Raven said, sliding it over to him. “I know there’s guards out there or whatever, but I thought you might-“

“I do.” He said, cutting her off in clarification. “Thank you, Raven.”

She nodded, but made no move to leave.

“Are you gonna be okay?” She asked tentatively after a few minutes.

He took a deep breath and nodded. “As long as she is.”

“She will be.” Raven said confidently. “She always is... thanks to you.”

“It’s not all me.” He said softly. “She’s... she’s the strongest person I know, Raven.”

“Me too.” Raven agreed. “Do you need anything to eat or drink?” She sniffed, changing the subject.

“No, I’m good... are _you_?” He asked gently.

He’d lost his head earlier, so had Murphy it seemed. In fact, Bellamy hadn’t seen Murphy since he’d came down to fight. But Raven had kept herself together while everyone around her fell apart. He was sure it was building up on her.

She barely shook her head, but he saw it. And he saw the tears glistening behind her eyes that she wouldn’t let fall. “I’m okay.” She forced her voice to stay even.

“I know I don’t have to tell you that it’s okay not to be.” He said lowly. “But if you need to hear it, I can tell you anyway.”

“Someone has to be.” She said sadly. There was no judgment or heat behind her words. Just honesty. And she was right. No one else had been able to keep it together today but her.

“I’m sorry it had to be you today.” He told her. “I know I wasn’t- I wasn’t as strong as I needed to be.”

“You were strong enough for her.” Raven argued. “That’s all you needed to be.”

His chest tightened, but he nodded.

“But it did scare me, you know?” She said, furrowing her eyebrows. “I know it’s different for you but... I love her too.”

“I know you do.” He kept his voice low and soft. He wasn’t naive enough to think he was the only one who loved her- the only one who had been scared.

“And I know I didn’t see it- happen, but... I don’t know. Walking up and seeing you guys like that... it was scary.” She blew out a shaky breath.

He looked at her sadly. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head again and she still wouldn’t look at him, keeping her gaze on the sky. “You’re always the strong one, Bell.” She said. “You and Murphy. And now Murphy’s in there falling apart and you... you fell apart too and that’s okay. You have so much shit going on, Bellamy. I can be the strong one this time.” Even as her voice shook, she sounded determined.

He watched her quietly, soaking in everything she was saying, pride filling him at the woman she had become.

“Let me deal with Octavia.” She finally looked at him. “I can’t stop the shit with Clarke’s dad, I can’t help you fight him, or- or kill him or defend her and keep her safe from him. But I _can_ help with Octavia, Bellamy, I promise. If I can take this one thing off your plate, I will.”

He waited a moment before answering, going through everything she had said over in his head.

“It sounds like you’ve got enough going on.” He told her.

She tried to roll her eyes. “What? With Murphy?”

When he nodded solemnly, she sighed, biting the inside of her lip.

“He’s just not taking it well.” She said. “And I- I’m not sure what to do about it. But he’ll be fine. He just needs time.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Bellamy said, trying to soothe her mind.

“No, I’m trying to take things _off _your plate, not pile things on.”

“I’ll talk to him, Rae.” He repeated. “And you can help with Octavia... if she’ll let you.”

She gave him a soft look and let out a short breath, then finally nodded. “Okay.”

“You think you can handle him tonight?” Bellamy asked seriously.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s okay... you gonna get any sleep?” She asked.

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t count on it. Is Madi alright?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got her. She’s sleeping again and she already ate.”

He really did owe her for this. She’d been the only steady thing besides Kane all day.

She stood up, brushing the loose grass off her butt. “Well, at least try to get some sleep, okay?” She said lightly.

“I’ll try.” He told her, knowing it wouldn’t work. “Hey.” He stopped her when she started walking away. “...I love you. You know that, right?”

She gave him an easy smile and it seemed genuine. “I love you too, you big sap.”

He chuckled and let his head fall back against the pillow as she walked away. He pulled the blanket up higher over them and settled in, tucking the gun under his pillow.

Logically, he knew he should sleep. He just couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes for too long. Even with the guards keeping watch. He didn’t trust them as much as he trusted himself.

He was exhausted, he couldn’t argue that. It had been a day that could’ve knocked him off of his feet, and technically it did. But he had to keep moving.

Now he wasn’t so sure Murphy would be much help tomorrow. When he’d told Kane not to come, he hadn’t been thinking about the fact that Murphy couldn’t look at her. And maybe he could sleep once Kane got here. He reached for his phone and sent Kane a quick text, letting out a relieved breath when he assured Bellamy that he’d be over first thing.

He thought about what would happen when they found her father. Thought about what he would do and how he would kill him. He thought about Octavia, but tried not to let his thoughts grow too dark. They’d help her. Her life wasn’t going to be controlled by alcohol... And he thought about how fucking happy he was to have Clarke. How even though he’d been beyond terrified when she’d stopped breathing, that he was lucky have her now. Because everyone was right. _She’s alive._ And he has a beautiful daughter, a family who keeps fighting with him no matter what. He knew he had to talk to Murphy (though he hadn’t figured out how to approach that one yet). And he even had Kane, who had dropped everything he was doing and ran when Bellamy needed it.

With all those things in mind, his eyes finally closed just before sunrise, with Clarke tucked firmly against his side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love this chapter and the emotional aspect of it. Hopefully you guys do too!
> 
> On another note, the trailer is supposedly coming out today and I for one, can’t wait!


	49. ~ Still Breathing ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update! I’m also writing something that I’m super excited to share with you guys when this is over!

The next thing Bellamy knew, he was blinking his eyes open to see the sun coming over the trees. He nestled his head further into the pillow and felt Clarke’s hand moving in circles over his chest.

He squeezed her tight and kissed the top of her head. “Mornin’, princess.”

“Morning.” She whispered back. “You should’ve woke me up.”

“You looked so comfy though.” He smiled lazily at her. “Raven brought all of this stuff out here.” He gestured at the blankets. “I couldn’t take you inside after that.”

She gave him a soft smile, happy to see his spirits a little better. “Did you at least sleep a little?”

“A little.” He confirmed. Because he’d managed to get maybe 20 minutes in.

A little was better than the none that she had figured he would get last night, so she didn’t scold him for it.

“I gotta talk to Murphy today.” He sighed, then made a face as he tried to stretch, his back reminding him that sleeping on the ground hadn’t been his best idea.

“He kinda disappeared yesterday.” Clarke said. “It was like he didn’t even wanna look at me.”

Murphy had had the exact opposite reaction of Bellamy, who couldn’t take his eyes _off_ of her.

“It scared him too. He just- is dealing with it in a different way.” Bellamy sat up, pulling Clarke with him. “I know this probably isn’t ideal for you, but Kane is gonna come over this morning. I may try to get some sleep. Murphy isn’t in the right headspace to be alert and I actually might fall over if I don’t get a couple hours of sleep.”

“It’s okay.” She said, kissing his cheek. “You need to sleep. Your big fight is coming up. I know you can’t be my own personal 24/7 bodyguard.” She smiled lightly.

“God, I wish I could be.” He said, honestly.

It was still early, but his stomach started to rumble.

Raven had class early today, which meant Clarke didn’t work, thank god. He was sure Murphy wouldn’t go into work either, but wasn’t sure how was doing this morning.

He slipped his gun into his waistband and stood, pulling her up behind him, then they gathered the pillows and blankets and headed inside.

Most everyone was already awake it seemed. Raven was at the stove, making breakfast and had Madi up and already fed in her high chair, Octavia sat at the kitchen island, and Kane was leaning against it. Murphy was nowhere in sight though.

“Morning!” Raven tried to greet happily. “You guys hungry? I’m making chicken sausage and eggs with spinach.”

“Yeah, that sounds good, thanks.” Clarke answered with a smile.

Bellamy grabbed the pillows from her and kissed her hair. “I’m gonna go put these away and take a quick shower.” He kissed the top of Madi’s head as he passed by, and quickly disappeared up the stairs.

“Morning, Clarke.” Kane nodded to her, sipping his coffee.

“Morning.” She smiled softly. “Looks like you’re my new bodyguard.”

He let out a soft laugh. “It would appear so. At least when you’re other one isn’t around.”

“Here you go!” Raven said, sliding three plates onto the island. “Hope you guys wanted toast too.”

“It smells amazing, Raven.” Clarke took the plate graciously as did Kane, smiling at Raven.

“I’ve got a guard waiting to escort you to your class this morning, Raven.” Kane told her.

“We’re seriously doing that?” She cocked an eyebrow.

“We seriously are.” He confirmed easily with a grin.

She huffed, but knew there was no arguing.

Octavia stayed quiet, eating her breakfast without complaint.

Bellamy came down the stairs, freshly showered and quickly scarfed down a plate of food, before picking up Madi.

“How’s Murphy?” Bellamy asked Raven quietly.

Raven looked around, making sure Octavia wasn’t listening, she didn’t want her saying anything about how he was dealing with this. “I honestly don’t know, Bell.” She sighed.

Bellamy nodded, bouncing Madi in his arms. “Alright.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to him. I promise.”

She gave him a small, grateful nod, but still looked worried. “Get some sleep first, huh?” She suggested. “You look like hell.”

Bellamy smiled in agreement then looked at Kane then. “You’ll stay with her? I don’t want her out of your sight.”

“And she won’t be.” Kane said. “I’ll be here the whole day. They’ll both be safe. Get some rest.”

He let out a breath and looked at Madi.

“Bellamy...” Kane said, seeing the worried look in Bellamy’s eye. “I’ll protect them with my life. I promise you.”

He nodded. “I know... thank you.” Then he looked at Octavia. “I don’t want you going anywhere either. Stay here and _please_, stay out of trouble.” He pleaded softly at her.

She bit the inside of her cheek and nodded. “Got it.”

When he walked to Clarke, she opened her arm and he slid his own under it, pulling her against him, careful not to crush Madi.

“I’m just going to sleep for a couple hours. Wake me up if you even start to think you’re going to-“

“Bell,” she cut him off softly. “I’ll be okay. Kane and Murphy are here. The place is guarded. I promise, any hint of any kind of panic, I will come get you.”

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. “Okay. I love you.” He kissed her and handed her Madi. “Please, _please_ be careful.”

“I will, Bell.” She promised. “I love you too.”

He forced himself upstairs before he could change his mind, leaving the rest of them in silence.

“Well, I’m gonna go get ready for class and then go meet my new shadow.” Raven said dramatically.

“I’ll clean up the kitchen.” Octavia offered.

Clarke turned to Kane. “I don’t suppose you’d be up for a walk?” She asked.

“Is that what you normally do?” He asked.

“Yeah. Usually on my days off, Murphy and I take Madi and River to the park, walk around for a while, sit by the lake and head back for lunch.”

“If he’s been watching you, it may not be best to stick with your normal routines.” Kane said.

Clarke considered that for a moment. “I really don’t want him to stop me from living my life.”

“And I don’t want him to _end_ your life.” Kane said bluntly. “And I don’t want Bellamy to end _mine_.”

“Come on,” she tried. “I can’t stay cooped up forever. You’ll be with me. We have River and I can get Murphy to come too.”

He still didn’t look convinced.

“Please?” She looked at him, batting her eyelashes.

He made a dissatisfied noise and crossed his arms. “You’re persuasive, I’ll give you that.”

“Is that a yes?” She grinned.

“If you can get Murphy to agree to come as well.” He gave in.

“I can.” She said confidently and bounced over to him. “Here, can you hold her?” She passed him Madi, not giving him a chance to say no and headed up the stairs.

Kane looked at Madi and shook his head. “Your poor father doesn’t stand a chance with you two.”

•

Clarke quickly and quietly changed clothes. Bellamy had fallen asleep already, so she moved extra slow not to wake him. She left him a note about where they we’re going in case he woke up, then headed to Raven and Murphy’s room. Raven was walking out as she can up.

“How’s he doing?” Clarke asked quietly.

“Honestly?” Raven asked. “He blames himself.” She shrugged. “He’s upset and I don’t know how to make it better. He said he can’t look at you without seeing you dead. Do you think- do you think maybe you can try to talk to him? Bellamy said he would, but-“

“I’ll talk to him.” Clarke assured with a hand on Raven’s arm. “I’ll see if I can talk him into our regular walk with River and Madi.”

“Okay.” Raven gave a small smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Once Raven was gone, Clarke knocked on the bedroom door before stepping in.

There was Murphy, sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.

“Hey.” She called softly. “You doin’ okay?”

“I should be asking _you_ that question.” He answered without looking up.

“You may have to look at me to do that though.” She teased, light heartedly.

“How can I look at you when all I can see is you dying?” He asked quietly.

“Maybe if you actually _looked_ at me, you’d see I’m not.” She countered.

He let out a shaky breath and shook his head. “I didn’t act fast enough. Your face was red and you were gasping. I knew you couldn’t get air, but I didn’t know... I didn’t know how bad it was.”

“You couldn’t have known, Murphy.” She told him. “I’ve had panic attacks before. You’ve seen it. You had no way of knowing this one was going to turn out like that.”

“But I should’ve done better. I shouldn’t have froze. If Bellamy hadn’t shown up when he did, I don’t know what I would’ve done.” He shook his head at the floor. “You could’ve died and it would’ve been my fault.”

“It would’ve been my fathers fault.” She argued. “Not yours.”

“It-“

“Stop, Murphy.” She pleaded. “I’m alive. Will you just look at me?... please?”

He took in a shaky breath and finally lifted his gaze to hers. His eyes were bloodshot and she would bet he got even less sleep than Bellamy.

He tried to push down the memory of her on the ground and really looked at her. Her eyes were open and bright and alive.

“When I started to panic, I felt how bad it was.” She said. “I felt the darkness pulling at me, my breaths just wouldn’t come. And... I saw my fathers face flashing in my head. Over and over, and he was so angry. And all I could think of, was how I didn’t want that to be the last thing I ever saw... Then I saw you.” She gave a sad smile.

“But it didn’t help.” He rasped out.

“It gave me some sense of peace.” She said. “That his face wasn’t going to be the last one I saw. It didn’t stop the panic attack, but neither did Bellamy. I was too far gone when you guys got there... I honestly didn’t think I’d make it those two minutes.”

“But you did.” He said.

“I did.” She repeated. “Murphy, I can’t... I can’t stand you not being able to look at me. If what happened is your fault, then it’s just as much mine.”

“You can’t help-“

“Neither can you.” She cut him off. “You couldn’t stop that panic attack anymore than I could have.”

“Bellamy could have.” Murphy said sadly. “If he would’ve gotten there when I did, he would’ve been able to pull you back.”

“Do you blame him for that?” She asked. “For not getting there in time?”

“What? No.” He said quickly.

“Then why are you blaming _yourself_?” She asked calmly.

That stopped him, his mouth open with a response that wouldn’t come.

“Listen, Murphy.” She continued. “I need you guys right now. All of you. What I don’t need is you blaming yourself for what happened and not being able to look at me. I need my friend. Bellamy needs his friend. And Raven needs her boyfriend.”

He looked down again and swallowed before looking back up at her and nodding. “Okay.”

She let out a short relieved breath. “Okay.”

“_Are_ you doing okay?” He asked.

“I’m still breathing.” She smiled.

He huffed and nodded his head. “That you are.”

“Come on.” She stood up and pulled him off the bed. “We’re not letting this stop us. Kane is going to join us on our morning walk.”

“How’d you talk him into that?” Murphy asked.

“I can’t reveal my secrets.” She smiled as he followed her down the stairs.

•

Murphy’s spirits lifted throughout the day. It was hard not to feel lighter when he was around Madi. He loved the little girl more than he ever thought possible.

He did need to go into work for a while though, which he wasn’t feeling too sure about.

“Hey,” he called to Kane. “I gotta head to the bar awhile. You got them?”

“That’s why I’m here.” Kane said with a smirk.

Clarke was upstairs, putting Madi down for a nap and Kane was sitting downstairs in the living room, where he could see both entryways to the house.

“Alright. Fine. Raven should be home soon too.” He said. And with that, he was off.

Clarke came down a few minutes later.

“You’ve got her down already?” Kane asked impressed.

Clarke laughed. “She’s a good sleeper. Do you care if we sit outside?”

Kane shook his head and followed her out the back door, both of them sitting on either side of the patio table.

“She seems like an easy baby.” Kane told her.

“She is.” Clarke smiled fondly. “We’re really lucky.”

“So is she, it would seem.” Kane said thoughtfully.

Clarke smiled again. “We’re both lucky. Bellamy, he’s...” she huffed an uncomfortable laugh. “You’ve seen how shitty my life can be. Without him, I wouldn’t be here. He’s amazing.”

“I think he might say the same about you.” Kane smiled.

“He would.” She agreed. “But it’s a lot truer when I say it... especially after yesterday.” She ended sadly.

Kane thought for a moment, then looked out around him. “You know, I’ve heard Bellamy afraid.” He started. “I’ve heard him after he shot the man who raped his mother, I’ve heard him when his mother overdosed, when she would go missing, I’ve even heard him when Octavia would go out late with friends and he couldn’t get a hold of her and even once when she ran away.”

Clarke sat, intently listening to him.

“But I have never heard him as terrified as he was when he called me yesterday and I’ve never seen him look like that.” Kane said. “Trust me when I tell you it’s the truth. He needs you as much as you need him.”

She gave him a small nod and smile. “Thank you for what you’re doing.” She said. “Even if I don’t know why you’re doing it.”

Kane let out a light laugh. “I can understand why you wouldn’t. I can’t imagine Murphy would paint a pretty picture of me.”

“That’s one way to put it.” Clarke laughed.

“I’ve never been one of his favorite people... but I care about both of those boys. Whether they want me to or not. I always will.”

“Why are you making Bellamy fight then?” Clarke asked curiously. “You’re doing all this.” She gestured around them. “For nothing. So why when he asked for help with Madi?”

Kane sighed at that. “It’s complicated. I won’t tell you that part of my reasoning wasn’t selfish. There’s a lot of money riding on this, and what Bellamy doesn’t know is that half of it is for him. Plus, I think this has been good for Bellamy. And maybe it’s come at the right time.”

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“If your father _is_ coming after you, he needs to be on top of his game. He needs to be as strong as he can be. As ready as he can be.” Kane said. “Seems like pretty good timing.”

She guessed she couldn’t argue with that fact. “Do you think this will ever be over?” She asked in a small voice, feeling suddenly vulnerable.

“It will be.” Kane promised. “Clarke, Bellamy won’t let that man near you and I want you to know that neither will I.”

Clarke felt tears form in her eyes and she swallowed. “You know I don’t trust a lot of people.” She whispered.

“Hopefully you can come to trust me.” He said gently.

“I think I’m getting there.” She admitted.

He smiled and turned to the door. “Afternoon, Bellamy.”

Clarke turned to see Bellamy, leaning against the door, a soft smile playing on his lips, his hair standing in all sorts of different directions.

“Figured I couldn’t sneak up on you.” He said.

“I wouldn’t be doing a very good job of protecting her if you could.” Kane pointed out.

“Fair point.” Bellamy smirked.

“Afternoon, sunshine.” Clarke smiled.

“I couldn’t bare being away from you any longer.” He came to sit next to her, kissing her cheek. “You seen Murphy?”

“He’s better.” Clarke told him. “We had a talk.”

“Yeah?” He sounded surprised.

“He just needed a little reminder that we’re all still breathing. And we can’t dwell on the past.” She said simply.

Bellamy smiled and so did Kane.

“Quite the woman you’ve found yourself, son.” Kane sounded proud. “I never figured you’d find someone strong enough to deal with your hard head.”

Bellamy let himself laugh. “Me either. But I’m lucky I did.”

“Funny, she was just saying the same.” Kane told him.

Clarke looked down, blushing a little and tucked her hair behind her ear.

Kane smiled at the two of them. He was happy Bellamy had found this. He deserved it.

“She even got Murphy to take a walk with us.” Kane continued.

“I’m glad you got through to him.” Bellamy said.

“You should still talk to him.” She said gently. “I think you both need it.”

“I will.” Bellamy said, then looked up to Kane. “So what’s this I hear about money?” Bellamy smirked.

“Maybe you were standing there longer than I realized.” Kane smirked back.

Bellamy laughed, feeling a lot better than he had yesterday.

Maybe he’d missed Kane more than he wanted to admit.

•

Bellamy used the the rest of the afternoon to train and by the time he was done, it was time for dinner.

Clarke and Raven had cooked since Murphy was still at the bar and they had Kane stay for dinner. He excused himself after and Bellamy thanked him for the day.

They winded down after that, all gathered on the couch to watch a movie. Bellamy chose something light and something that would hopefully catch Madi’s attention as she sat, nestled safely in the crook of his arm with Clarke in the other. Raven rested her head on Clarke’s lap and River laid across Raven’s legs. Octavia was bundled up in the loveseat, already asleep and he was pretty sure she hadn’t had a drink since their talk, but he couldn’t be sure.

He wouldn’t let his mind wander to bad things tonight.

Raven fell asleep quickly too. Bellamy found himself wanting to do the same, but he wanted to wait for Murphy to get home.

“We should head to bed.” Clarke whispered into his neck, struggling to stay awake herself.

He patted her thigh. “Wake Raven up and you two go on upstairs.” He said quietly. “I’ll be up in a bit and I’ll put Madi to sleep.”

She kissed him and then shook Raven gently. “Hey, it’s late. Let’s head to bed.”

Raven didn’t protest, rubbing her eyes and standing up to follow Clarke.

Bellamy looked over at Octavia, sleeping peacefully. He stood up with Madi still in his arm and pulled the blanket higher over Octavia, kissing the top of her head.

“Goodnight, O.” He whispered.

He took Madi upstairs and sat in the chair they had in her room. He placed her on his shoulder and started rocking, knowing it wouldn’t take her long to pass out. He sang quietly to her and rubbed her back. Within 5 minutes, she was sound asleep.

He put her in her crib and just took a moment to look at her. Her eyelashes brushed her chubby cheeks and her little fists were closed. The dark curls on her head swept down her forehead. He brushed his hand over the top of her head and smiled. “Goodnight, little princess. I love you.”

He turned the night light on in her room and headed back downstairs.

Murphy was coming in the door as he was walking down and they both paused, seeing each other.

“Hey.” Bellamy said quietly, careful not to wake up Octavia.

“Hey.” Murphy greeted back sheepishly, setting his keys down.

“Do you, uh... have a minute?” Bellamy asked.

Murphy bit the inside of his lip and shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

They walked to the kitchen and sat at the island. Murphy’s eyes focused on his own hands. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Both of them trying to gather up courage to say what they wanted to.

In the end, Murphy spoke first. “I’m sorry.”

Bellamy’s eyes snapped to him and Murphy looked up to meet his gaze and shrugged.

“I know she says it’s not my fault, but... I’m still sorry I didn’t stop it.” He continued.

“Murphy, nothing that happened is even remotely your fault.” Bellamy said firmly. “You couldn’t have stopped it.”

Murphy sighed and held back tears. “I froze, Bellamy... I couldn’t help you.” He said sadly. “I wanted to, I swear- I just-“

“She’s okay, Murphy. You know that.” Bellamy cut him off.

“Thanks to you. She would’ve died if you didn’t show up.”

“You don’t know that.” Bellamy argued. “You have no idea what you would’ve done if I hadn’t shown up when I did.”

“And I don’t wanna think about it.” Murphy said. “I fucked up, Bellamy.”

Bellamy was quiet for a moment. Maybe he’d asked too much of Murphy. Had given him too much to take on, too much responsibility and now he felt like he was responsible for her.

“Murphy...” he started, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”

Murphy furrowed his brow. “What for?”

“How you’re feeling.” He said. “It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is.” Bellamy said. “I’ve been asking you to do too much and it shouldn’t be your job to protect her. Or Madi. It’s mine. And it’s not fair for me to expect you to.”

“Bell, you didn’t ask me to. I want to.” Murphy argued. “You’d do the same thing if Raven was in danger. I know you would. You’re not the only one that cares about Clarke.”

“I know that, Murphy. But you shouldn’t have to feel like any of this is your fault. You feel responsible for her and that’s supposed to be my job.”

“Then tell me if something happened to Raven like that- if that was Raven yesterday and you froze instead of trying to save her, that you wouldn’t feel like complete shit!” Murphy kept his voice quiet, but he was frustrated. “That it wouldn’t have scared the hell out of you that your best friend could’ve lost the love of his life, that a little girl you love could’ve lost her mother and it could’ve been your fault because you couldn’t help her.”

Bellamy swallowed hard. He couldn’t answer that.

Murphy sighed and leaned back. “We’re all responsible for each other. You should know that by now.”

Bellamy looked down in thought, working his jaw.

“She told me I couldn’t have stopped her, and logically, I know that.” Murphy continued calmer. “But it doesn’t stop it from hurting that we all could’ve lost her. I know that it’s probably nothing compared to what you felt, but it scared the hell out of me, man. And god knows how you held it together, but you did.”

“I just knew I couldn’t lose her.” Bellamy whispered. “I wasn’t giving up on her after how hard she’s fought. But if you really wanna know who held everything together... that was Raven.”

Murphy nodded. “She did, didn’t she? Her best friend almost died and she’s the one who had to hold it together for me... Fuck, I was an asshole.”

“She was worried about you.” Bellamy said. “That woman’s steady as a rock. Held me together, offered to help with Octavia. She came into that mess blind and she kept me from slipping into my own panic attack.”

“I guess they’re both stronger than us.” Murphy tried to smile.

Bellamy huffed. “It sure seems that way sometimes... but I think- I think we’re all strong for each other. When we need to be.”

“Yeah.” He whispered in agreement. “I think you’re right about that.”

Bellamy looked at him closely. “I don’t tell you thank you enough.” He said. “For everything you do.”

“Family, right?” Murphy smiled. “I’m still sorry I lost it yesterday.”

“Forget about it.” Bellamy tried to wave off.

“I think we both know that’s harder than it sounds.” Murphy raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you doing okay with it?”

Bellamy ran a hand down his beard, but nodded. “Yeah, I- better than yesterday.” He admitted. “Raven did help me a lot though. And talking to Clarke.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.” Murphy gave him a regretful look.

“You got here, Murphy. You gave her something to see besides her fathers face. You kept River safe and you got O to take Madi in the house. You helped, man. I promise you.”

Murphy didn’t look convinced, but gave him a small smile and a nod.

“We should get some sleep.” Bellamy said standing up.

“Yeah, you need it. You look like shit.” Murphy agreed with a smirk.

“Shut up.” Bellamy said lightly, but he wasn’t going to argue because he was starting to feel like shit. He needed more sleep.

He quickly stripped his clothes and climbed into bed, pulling Clarke close to him, nestling his face in her hair. She let out a sleepy sigh and snuggled into him and he was out before he knew it.

Murphy lagged downstairs for a few minutes. He looked at Octavia, curled up. Raven had mentioned she was going to talk to her. But if he was being honest, he had only been half listening when she left this morning. He had been a mess and he hadn’t let her help him. He pushed her away and he knew that wasn’t fair.

There were a lot of things that weren’t fair.

He headed upstairs and peaked his head in Madi’s room. He couldn’t help but smile at her as she slept soundly, then he opened the bedroom door and slipped in quietly.

He knew Raven was asleep, but he couldn’t wait till morning to talk to her.

It was selfish to wake her up, but he found himself shaking her gently anyway. “Hey, babe, wake up.” He whispered.

She jumped awake. “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?” She blinked.

His heart constricted at her reaction. Her first thought was that something was wrong. He’d pushed her away yesterday without a thought to how she was feeling.

“Everyone’s okay. Sorry.” He ran a hand down her arm. “I just- I wanted to talk to you.”

She looked concerned, sitting up so she could see his face better.

“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked and he gave a small, sad shrug. “I didn’t deal with it well. And honestly, I was selfish. I was only thinking about how I felt and that’s not fair. I wasn’t fair to you.”

She nodded, but stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.

“We all love her, I know that. But I felt like I should’ve been able to stop her. And it freaked me out that if she wouldn’t have come back... if she would’ve died-“ the word caught in his throat. “If I would’ve been the reason that we all lost her, the reason that probably would’ve sent Bellamy spiraling for good... I never would’ve forgiven myself.”

Raven blinked and a tear fell. Her hand found his and squeezed.

“And you came into that shit like a fucking pro yesterday. You kept Bell from totally losing it. You held strong all day and you took care of Madi, you’re helping with Octavia and... and I sat here and felt sorry for myself while you were taking care of everyone else.” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry.”

Between Raven and Bellamy, Murphy was starting to feel like a broken record. He was sorry though. And he’d keep saying it if he had to.

“It’s okay.” Raven finally whispered. “I want you to be okay and it felt so awful not being able to help you. I didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s not your fault, babe. It was me. I was in my own head... I couldn’t stop thinking that it would’ve killed Bellamy too. Then what would’ve happened to Madi?” He shrugged sadly.

“We would’ve taken care of her. She would’ve been okay.” Raven assured gently. “You and I could’ve done it and we would have. For them.”

He kissed her and she put a hand on his chest. “You’re amazing, you know that?” He asked, pulling back.

“Yeah, I am pretty great.” She grinned, trying to lighten the air around them.

He laughed and pushed her down onto the mattress. This woman was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Murven at the end 😜


	50. ~ Ready ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. 50 chapters. I had no idea what this would turn into when I started it. There won’t be many chapters left of this story now. I think MAYBE it will go till 53. But we’ll see.

Clarke woke up early the next morning, wanting to make breakfast for everyone. The fight was only one day away and she wanted things to go smoothly. Especially with all of the drama the last couple days had held.

She tiptoed past Octavia to the kitchen. She fed River and started breakfast for everyone else.

Madi started crying softly, but she heard someone stirring around upstairs and she quickly quieted, so someone must’ve have grabbed her.

Clarke watched Octavia as she started to wake up. Suddenly she wished she hadn’t come down alone. She hadn’t talked to Octavia since their argument and she wasn’t sure she was ready to.

“Morning.” Octavia walked to sit at the island and gave Clarke a small smile.

“Morning.” She greeted softly in return. “I’m making French toast, if you want any.”

“That sounds great, yeah.” Octavia said.

The air around them was awkward. Neither of them really knowing what to say.

“Listen, Clarke.” Octavia finally found courage to speak. “I said some really fucked up shit the other day. And I know that’s probably at the bottom of your list of problems right now but... I owe you an apology.”

Clarke listened quietly, glancing up at her as she continued to cook.

“I said some things that I shouldn’t have, but you already know that...” she trailed off. “You were trying to help me. I didn’t want to hear it. And I know how I made you sound. But you’re not weak, Clarke. Everyone knows that.”

“I can be.” Clarke whispered in admission.

“But you _aren’t_. Clarke, I have _never_ seen you weak. I’ve seen you happy, sad, afraid, lonely, confused, but I have never once seen you weak.” Octavia said strongly. “God, I was so shitty to you. How did you not just slap me?”

Clarke let out a small huff. “I’ve been there before. I know what it’s like.”

“Yeah and you still never talked to me like that.” Octavia argued.

“The night of the party... I was pretty shitty to everyone. Even if Bellamy doesn’t wanna say it.” Clarke shrugged sadly.

Octavia bit her lip. That night had been brought up a lot lately because of her. “He’ll always be protecting you.” She tried to smile. “That’s just one of his ways of doing it.”

“Because I can’t handle myself, right?” Clarke’s words hit Octavia hard, though Clarke hadn’t said them harshly.

“I really didn’t mean that. I know that you need Bellamy and he needs you. I had no reason or right, to throw that in your face. And... I don’t even know what to say about the cutting.”

“There’s nothing _to _say about it.” Clarke said.

“There is.” Octavia argued. “And you could’ve died the other day while I sat in here with my head up my ass! And I never would’ve gotten to apologize... I understand if you hate me.”

“I could never hate you, O.” Clarke took a deep breath and paused her cooking. “I’m not even mad at you.”

She looked surprised at that. “You’re not?”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m not. What you said hurt me. I can’t tell you that it didn’t. But I’m scared for you, O. Because look at what just drinking did to me the minute I was offered something different.”

“I know.” Octavia sniffed. “I just feel like...” she trailed off, not sure she wanted to continue. “When I got to Mount Weather, everything was so hard. My professors were awful and I was failing everything. I felt like I couldn’t do any of it. And if I couldn’t do anything, then... then what’s the point? What good am I? Maybe I was destined to be like my mom.”

“Octavia,” Clarke looked at her sadly. “God, your grades don’t have an impact on who you are. You’re so much more than that.”

“It didn’t feel like it. It felt like I was going to disappoint everyone. Bellamy worked so hard to get me there and I blow it just like that?” She cried. “So what was the point of anything?”

“He just wants you happy, O. You should know that. He’ll always love you.” Clarke said.

“But do I deserve it?” She asked, tears streaming down her face.

“Of course you do.” Clarke said. She walked away from the stove and Octavia turned to her, all but falling into her arms.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She cried into her shoulder.

“I know. It’s okay.” Clarke whispered, hugging her tightly. “I forgive you.” She looked up to the top of the stairs and locked eyes with Bellamy, nodding discreetly for him to come down the stairs.

He walked quietly down the stairs with Madi in his arms. Clarke pulled back and quickly took Madi from him and he pulled Octavia to his chest. She sobbed into it, fully breaking down.

“Hey, it’s okay, O.” He soothed. “Nobody’s mad at you.”

Clarke wiped a tear of her own away and placed Madi in her high chair so she could stop breakfast from burning.

“I fucked- up, Bell. I’m so sorry. I- I couldn’t do it.” She stuttered out between cries.

“That’s not all you are. I promise you. You’re so much more than college.” He said gently. “I’m not disappointed, O. You don’t have to go back there.”

“I don’t wanna be like mom.” She gasped out.

“I know.” He assured her. “I know. I won’t let you be. It’s okay.” He rubbed her back in the same way he did Madi’s when she was upset and he was swung into memories of when Octavia was little and he’d do the same. “We’ll figure something out.”

After a few minutes, she calmed down, pulling back and wiping the rest of her tears away. “I really am sorry. To both of you.” She said, voice raspy from crying.

“It’s okay. We just want you better.” Clarke told her.

She sniffed and nodded. “I’m gonna go take a shower and clean up. I feel like a mess.” She said, excusing herself.

Clarke held her arm out, and Bellamy slid into her immediately, taking a deep, calming breath.

“Thank you.” He told her.

“You don’t have to thank me.” She pulled back and kissed his cheek. “I didn’t do much. She had to have been dying to tell someone.”

He nodded and looked to the stove. “Smells good.” He said. “Let me help you.”

“Why don’t you get Madi’s breakfast ready?” She suggested.

By the time everything was done, everyone else was awake and downstairs.

Kane showed up right after breakfast and Bellamy pulled him outside.

“Anything?” Bellamy asked him.

“Not yet. He’s hiding and he’s hiding well. But we will find him. It’s just going to take more time.”

“We don’t have more time, Kane.” Bellamy shook his head. “I’m tired of this shit. I want him dead.”

“You have to have patience, son.” Kane said gently.

“I don’t like this.” Bellamy said. “He’s out there and he could be watching us. How do we know he’s not?”

“Well he doesn’t have eyes on this property, I can promise you that much.” Kane assured.

Bellamy sighed, but there wasn’t much he could do. “I don’t wanna feel helpless.”

“You’re not.” Kane said. “You need to try to relax today. Get ready for the fight tomorrow.”

“I’m not worried about the fight.” Bellamy said offhandedly. “I can beat him.”

“I’m sure you can. But I still want you to be in the right headspace.” Kane told him.

“I will be.” Bellamy said confidently. He really wasn’t worried about the fight. He felt stronger than ever and he wasn’t afraid.

He was maybe nervous about being back in the ring, but he wasn’t afraid to fight. Not anymore. The training had helped him overcome that.

•

Raven had taken to dragging Octavia almost everywhere with her. Bellamy found himself grateful for it. He knew Octavia was in good hands with Raven. Plus he knew his mind couldn’t handle it all right now.

Bellamy, for his part, did try to relax most of the day. He let Clarke and Madi calm him, going for lunch and a walk.

“You’re sure you’re up for the fight, right?” Bellamy asked her as they walked.

“Yeah, I feel okay.” She smiled. “I’m not super excited to see you get beat up, but-“

“Oh, you think he’s gonna beat me up, do you?” Bellamy smirked at her playfully.

“No!” She defended with a smile. “I just mean that I know you’ll get hit and I hate that.”

Bellamy shrugged, a smirk still playing on his lips. “It’s all part of the game. Makes me tougher.”

“Something tells me you’re plenty tough enough without taking any more hits.” She said with raised eyebrows.

He laughed, but sobered up. “You know, I haven’t hated it.”

She looked at him in question.

“The fighting.” He clarified. “I mean I hate the time it’s taken up and taken away from you and Madi. But it feels good to not be afraid of it anymore. And to feel like I can protect you better.”

“I understand.” She smiled softly. “You can still fight after, you know? For... fun?” She cocked in eyebrow in question.

He laughed again and nodded. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll toughen Murphy up a bit more. I’ve let him grow soft over the years.”

“Especially around the sides.” She teased.

He grinned and they stopped walking, finding some shade under a large tree. “I don’t want you to be... jealous.” He said carefully.

“What do you mean?” She looked confused.

“There’s a lot of girls there, at the fight.” He said. “And they’re gonna say a lot of, uh... derogatory things.”

She raised her eyebrows with a grin. “Ah, the lady’s man. I remember.”

“When I go in that ring, they’ll come on strong. But it’s just a part of it. I want you to know that it doesn’t mean anything. I have to keep the crowd, so I’ll smile and grin, but I don’t want any of them. I want you.”

It was cute that he was worried about how it would make her feel, but she really didn’t think that was what she would be worried about.

She smiled and nodded. “I know, Bell. It’s okay. I get it. I’m not worried about some underground girl taking you away.”

“Good.” He smiled back.

“Seems like Raven is staying on Octavia’s case, huh?” She said.

“I’m honestly kinda relieved by that.” He admitted. “Octavia doesn’t seem to be fighting it.”

“Would _you_ wanna fight with Raven?” Clarke asked.

“Good point.” He chuckled. “I hate that she felt like that’s what she had to turn to.” He said softer. “That she thought the only choice was being like my mom.”

“We’ll help her through that.” Clarke assured. “Have you heard anything else about her mystery man?”

“No. She hasn’t talked about him since that first time.” He sighed. “I wanna talk to him though.”

“So you can scare him away?” Clarke asked.

“Only if he needs to be scared away.” Bellamy defended.

Clarke smirked at him and looked out at the lake. “Bell?” Her voice grew serious again.

“Yeah, princess?” He looked over at her.

“Do you... do you think maybe I should try to call my mom?” She asked timidly.

He tried not to tense up, but his jaw tightened. “What for?”

“She may know where my dad is. When she came to that store when we were shopping for prom, she was there to warn me.” She said carefully.

“Or she was there to trick you and help him.” Bellamy argued. “I don’t trust her, Clarke. I don’t think she’d tell you the truth.”

“It’s just that she called right before he came to the house.” She tried. “What if she was trying to warn me?”

“Princess, I don’t...” he trailed off and sighed. “I don’t trust her.” He repeated. “I don’t want to give them the chance to hurt you. What would make your mom change and want to help you?”

He knew she wanted her mom to change- to care. But the chances of that seemed too slim to Bellamy.

She bit her lip in thought and looked away. “Yeah.” She agreed quietly. “I guess you’re right.”

His heart hurt for her and he felt guilty for asking a question that reminded her how little her mother cared. He blinked and titled his head as an idea hit him.

“How about I call her?” He suggested.

She looked at him, a little surprised.

“I can call her and see if she’ll tell me anything. That way she can’t get to you or upset you.”

“Really?” She asked, hesitantly.

“Really. It’s okay, I’ll call her.” He said. “If she’s really trying to help, she’ll tell me why she called you.”

She smiled a little. “Okay.”

“After the fight?” He asked.

“After the fight.” She confirmed. “You ready to head home?”

“Yeah, home sounds good.”

•

When they got home they were surprised to find Kane and Murphy having a seemingly good conversation with each other.

“Bellamy!” Kane greeted cheerfully. “How was your walk?”

“Uh, good.” Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows at the pair.

“We were just talking about old times.” Kane said.

“The good old times, it looks like.” Bellamy commented.

“Yeah, they weren’t all bad.” Murphy smiled. “We’ve got some good memories in there.”

“I’m gonna go put Madi down for a nap.” Clarke said, leaning up to kiss Bellamy’s cheek.

Bellamy sat down across from Murphy on the coffee table, his face serious in thought.

Kane eyed Bellamy carefully. “What’s on your mind, son?”

“Have you been keeping an eye on Clarke’s mom?” He asked.

Kane looked up at the stairs, as if to make sure Clarke wasn’t standing there. “Why do you ask?”

“Clarke wants to call her.” Bellamy said, fisting his hands. “She thinks maybe she was trying to warn her that he was coming.”

Murphy looked down, remembering the death threats her mom had warned her about. “You think the threats were legit?” Murphy asked.

Bellamy took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I thought they were just to scare her at first, but now...” he shook his head. “I just don’t know why she would wanna help now. She helped that man abuse her. She hit Clarke. Left her in the house with that man. It makes it a little hard to see her trying to care now.”

“Her mother has been receiving death threats of her own.” Kane said. “He has been in contact with her. Taunting her. I don’t know if she’s trying to help Clarke or not. But the man has been tormenting her.”

“With Clarke gone, her moms the only one he has left to torture.” Bellamy said. “Taking Clarke’s absence out on her mom.” He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry for her.

“Do you think she’d know where he is?” Bellamy asked.

“I’ve already been in contact with her.” Kane admitted carefully. “I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure, but if he contacts her again, we’ll find him.”

Bellamy looked at Kane, a little annoyed that he hadn’t said anything. “You don’t think it’d help if I called her?”

“I don’t.” Kane said. “Her mother is scared for her own life. She’ll let us know. Trust me.”

“So when it’s her life on the line, she cares.” Bellamy said frustrated.

“Don’t let it upset you.” Kane said gently. “We all know what kind of person she is.”

Bellamy sighed, but nodded. Kane was right.

“Now,” Kane continued. “Are you ready to fight tomorrow?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He said, pushing thoughts of Clarke’s mom aside. “I feel good about it.”

“You’ve never looked better.” Kane agreed. “It’ll still be a tough fight.”

“I’m counting on it.” Bellamy said.


	51. ~ The Legend ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what to say other than I’m sorry that I took so long and I absolutely suck, but here’s a long chapter, finally with the fight that will *maybe* make you guys hate me a little less.

It was the morning of the fight. Octavia seemed anxious. She was pacing around the living room and Raven finally grabbed her and pulled her down to sit beside her.

“What is going on with you?” Raven asked. “You’ve gotta relax.”

“He can’t fight.” Octavia said strongly. “He can’t. He has to back out.”

“Um, except he can’t back out.” Murphy said. “Why are you so antsy about it anyway? You know how good he is.”

Bellamy and Clarke were still upstairs. They’d opted to let Bellamy sleep in and try to rest.

“Because, this is different.” Octavia said.

“The only difference is he’s never fought this guy before.” Murphy said. “He feels good about it, maybe you should too.”

“He shouldn’t fight.” Octavia argued. “This is a bad idea. What if he hurts the other guy, like he did before?”

“That was a freak accident, Octavia.” Murphy said firmly. “This guy has had a full medical assessment and passed it. And why are you concerned about the other guy all of a sudden?”

“I’m not, but he shouldn’t-“

“We agreed not to make this harder on him. Remember?” Murphy cut her off.

Octavia sighed. “He never should’ve agreed to this.”

“Expect he did. So it is what it is.” Raven said firmly. “He has this, Octavia.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” She whispered so quietly Raven almost didn’t hear.

“Wait, what?” Raven asked.

Octavia’s eyes grew wider and her mouth opened. Raven raised her eyebrows, waiting for a response.

She was saved by a knock on the door and Kane let himself in. “Morning, everyone.”

Octavia groaned and rolled her eyes. “I’m going to take a shower.” She walked upstairs without another word. 

Kane looked at Raven in question.

“Honestly, I don’t even know.” She said with a shrug.

“Well,” Kane said moving on. “How’s Bellamy this morning?”

“Still sleeping.” Murphy said. “We figured we’d let him rest up as much as we could.”

“That’s good. We’ll need to make sure he eats plenty today.”

“Got it covered.” Murphy said with a clap. “Fridge is stocked and I am ready to be the master chef we all know I am.”

“Does everyone get that special treatment?” Raven asked him with a grin. “Also,” She turned to Kane. “Who’s gonna be here to watch the place while you’re all gone tonight?”

“I’ll have security doubled both here and at the fight.” Kane said. “I’ll have someone posted at both the front and back door. We’re not taking any risks. I don’t want you going anywhere tonight.”

“House arrest. Got it.” Raven said unamused.

“For your safety.” Murphy told her. “And-“

“And for Madi’s. I know, I know.” She rolled her eyes, but she was silently grateful. She wouldn’t trust herself to protect Madi alone if Clarke’s dad decided to show up.

Murphy chuckled at her annoyance and leaned over to kiss her.

“What do you think Octavia’s problem is?” Raven asked.

“Well I can tell you she’s never been a fan of the fighting.” Murphy said.

“Or of me for that matter.” Kane added.

“Put it all together and you’ve got one pissed off Octavia.” Murphy said lightly. “She’ll get over it.”

“I hope so. She’s been hard enough to deal with.” Raven sighed.

“You’re doing really well with her. It doesn’t look like she’s drank since the other day.” Murphy complimented.

“Yeah, it’s only been a few days though. I’m still worried.” Raven admitted. “But the stuff Bell said about deserving to be in Madi’s life seems to have really gotten to her.”

“Let’s just hope it sticks.” Murphy said.

“Let’s hope what sticks?” Bellamy asked coming down the stairs with Madi, Clarke following behind him.

“You keeping in shape.” Murphy covered quickly, not wanting to bring up Octavia’s problems today. “You were really slipping there for a while.”

Bellamy smirked. “Doesn’t look like you need to worry about that now, does it?”

“I hate how confident you are sometimes.” Murphy glared.

Bellamy chuckled and opened the fridge, but Murphy popped up, stopping him.

“No, no, no.” Murphy said pushing his way between Bellamy and the fridge, being careful of Madi. “I am the chef for the day, so if you’ll be so kind as to sit down.”

“You guys gonna make me eat like a horse today?” Bellamy asked.

“No. Horses are vegetarians.” Murphy said matter of factly. “You are gonna eat like a... well, a horse that’s a carnivore, I guess.”

Bellamy chuckled and moved to the cabinet to make Madi’s bottle instead.

Clarke sat next to Raven and leaned her head against her shoulder with a small sigh.

“Hey, you okay?” Raven asked.

Clarke gave a small nod. “Mm, just tired.”

Raven rubbed her arm and rested her head on hers. “Well you’re in for a long night, babe. Better wake up.”

“I know.” Clarke said sleepily, closing her eyes for a minute.

“She didn’t sleep well because she’s nervous.” Bellamy eyed her. “Even though I told her it’ll be fine.”

“He’s right.” Kane said. “Win or lose, Bellamy will put up a good fight. The crowd will go crazy for it.”

“Yes, and alllll the girls will love him.” She said dramatically, through closed eyes. “So I’ve heard.” She tried to sound disinterested, though she really wasn’t looking forward to other women drooling over him. 

“I mean, can you blame them?” Raven asked with a raised brow.

“Hey!” Murphy said offended.

“Sorry!” She defended. “He’s like a brother to me, it’s not like I’m interested. I’m just saying, it’s hard not to notice!”

“Whatever.” Murphy rolled his eyes.

“You know maybe you should go a little more hardcore after this, Murph.” Clarke teased him with a smirk.

“I happen to like my dad-bod figure.” Murphy said with narrowed eyes. “Thank you very much.”

“Awww.” Raven drug out. “You know you’re perfect the way you are, babe. Don’t listen to her.”

“Damn right, I am.” Murphy agreed.

Clarke snorted and lifted her head off Raven’s shoulder. “Perfect isn’t the exact word I’d use.” She said with a smirk.

“Well maybe your definition on perfect needs to be revisited.” Murphy said slyly.

“Alright, kids.” Bellamy chuckled softly. “Let’s not fight at breakfast.”

“She started it.” Murphy mumbled.

Clarke stuck her tongue out and Murphy copied, before turning his attention back to the stove.

Bellamy fed Madi and then settled in for his own breakfast. Murphy had made a giant omelette filled with veggies and cheese, avocado toast, and sausage and steamed chicken. All for him.

He ate it without complaint. He knew he needed the fuel.

By the time Octavia came back down, everyone had eaten and Murphy had a plate set aside for her.

“Breakfast is by the stove.” Murphy nodded in the direction it was sitting.

Octavia put her hands on her hips and let out a huff. “Bellamy,” She started.

“Fuck, here we go.” Murphy closed his eyes.

“Octavia, _let this go_.” Raven said sternly.

Clarke sat back in her chair with a sigh. She had a good feeling that she knew what was coming.

“I’m not letting it go.” Octavia argued. “Bellamy, you shouldn’t fight.”

“O,” Bellamy rolled his eyes. “It’s one night. I’ve trained for weeks. Plus, Kane and I made a deal. I’m not backing out on it. He held up his end of the deal and more. So I’m holding up mine.”

“But you-“

“Octavia.” He cut her off firmly. “You can’t stop this. Why are you so worried?”

“I- I’m not worried.” She defended quickly.

“Then relax, will you?” He said calmly.

She opened her mouth again, but Clarke and Raven both gave her a warning look and she shut it. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out, but quickly pushed it to her chest and walked outside.

“That would be her new boo.” Raven said.

“She said anything about him?” Bellamy asked.

“Not much.” Raven shrugged. “We’ve talked a lot about a lot of things but, he hasn’t been one of them. She kinda scoots around the topic.”

“Figures.” Bellamy mumbled. “You’re doing really good with her so far, Raven. Thank you.”

“Can’t say she’s made it easy.” Raven grinned. “But you’re welcome.”

Bellamy was relieved with how well she appeared to be doing, though he was still worried about her ‘boyfriend’ or whatever the hell he was. He was sure that Octavia wasn’t easy to deal with, but Raven was doing it. Octavia may slip eventually, he wasn’t naive enough to think she couldn’t. But one day at a time.

“Well,” Clarke said looking out the window to see Octavia pacing, talking frantically into the phone. “It doesn’t look like she’s happy with her _new boo_ at the moment.”

“It’s just not her day, is it?” Raven sighed.

“What about you, Bell?” Murphy asked. “Feel good?”

“Good as ever.” He said. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as strong as I am right now. And like Kane said, even if I lose, I plan to put up one hell of a fight.”

“I’ll bet you win though.” Kane smirked. “A lot of people will be betting against you before they even know who you are. They’re just counting on Lincoln keeping up his streak. If you do win, we’ll be walking away with a whole lot more money.”

“I’ll do my best.” Bellamy grinned.

He really did feel good about it. And he obviously wasn’t opposed to winning more money. Fighting was how he’d bought this house in the first place. It wasn’t a bad way to earn cash fast.

The day went fast and before they knew it, it was time to leave for the fight.

“Alright,” Bellamy said, looking at Raven. “Security is everywhere, but I still want you to keep this on you.” He handed her a gun.

“Got it.” Raven said, knowing better than to argue at this point and wanting to make the night as easy for him as she could.

“Don’t go outside.” Bellamy continued. “Any of you.” He said with a pointed look at Octavia, who raised her hands in defense.

“If one of the guards need you, they’ll use the radio. If you need them, do the same.” He pointed at the radio on the coffee table. “Do not open the door for anyone.”

“I know the rules, dad.” Raven rolled her eyes. “I feel more protected than the president. We’re good.” She assured with a smile.

He let out a breath and nodded, looking at Madi, who he had in his arms. He was more nervous about leaving them here than he was about fighting.

“They’ll be perfectly fine, Bellamy.” Kane promised. “And we’ll come straight back as soon as the fight is done.”

Bellamy placed a long kiss on the top of Madi’s head and closed his eyes. When he pulled away, he sighed and handed her to Raven, then looked to Clarke. “Alright, princess. You ready?”

“I should be asking you that question.” She smirked, knowing he was ready for the fight, but not to leave the house.

“I’m ready.” He said steadily, grabbing her hand for strength. “Let’s go.”

•

Kane drove the way there, Murphy in the passenger seat and Clarke and Bellamy in the back. There was a car with security in front of them and behind them. It may have been overkill, but none of them really cared.

They pulled into what appeared to be an abandoned building. It was a large brick building that looked like it was falling apart with a giant parking lot that was empty except for 3 other cars.

“Why is it so empty?” Clarke asked.

“There’s a different entrance for anyone viewing the fight. This place is labeled private property and no one comes back here. Keeps the place hidden. Only the fighters and security come through here.” Kane explained.

Clarke looked out the window, staring at the building. If she was being honest, the place gave her the creeps. Abandoned, falling apart building, secluded in the woods that led to an underground fighting ring. “Right. Seems safe.” She said dryly.

Bellamy’s hand went to hers and he squeezed. “You’ll be safe.” He assured her.

She gave him a small smile and a nod. “I know I will. This place just looks a little... sketchy.”

He laughed a little and nodded. “Yeah, I guess I can’t argue that. The outside of this place has seen better days.”

“You think?” She smiled.

He seemed relaxed and she was happy about that. The fight wasn’t getting into his head.

“Alright, kids.” Kane looked at each of them, his eyes stopping on Bellamy. “Ready to make your big reappearance?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Bellamy grinned. He was actually kind of excited to be back. He’d forgotten the adrenaline and energy he felt before a fight.

Clarke couldn’t help but grin too, feeling his energy.

Bellamy kept his hand on her back as they followed the security guards into the building. The guards stepped to the side as they walked inside, meeting the buildings own security and Kane walked to the front.

“Bomber!” Kane greeted with a smile. “I’ve brought you a surprise.”

“It better be a good one.” The man replied. “You managed to convince me to bet all my money on an unknown fighter and- I’ll be dammed!” The mans scowl turned into a smile as his eyes spotted Bellamy. “Bellamy Blake!”

Bellamy smirked and walked forward. “Good to see you too, Bomber.”

“You’re the one I put my money on?”

“It appears so.” Bellamy continued smirking.

“Well I’d have felt a lot better about my money if you’d told me that two weeks ago, Kane.” Bomber said with his eyes narrowed.

“All under wraps.” Kane said simply. “Couldn’t risk it slipping. And that continues until his name is announced in the ring.” He raised his eyebrows at him in warning.

“My lips are sealed.” Bomber said. “Murphy! You still keepin’ Bellamy in line?”

“Trying.” Murphy shrugged. “Got a little help now though.” He said angling his head towards Clarke.

Bellamy stepped forward to grab Clarke’s hand, grinning ear to ear. “Bomber, this is my fiancé, Clarke.”

Clarke smiled at Bellamy’s enthusiasm and held her hand out to Bomber. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You must be a hell of a woman to put up with this one.” He teased.

“Oh, she is.” Bellamy said, looking at her like she was the world. And to him, she was.

“Well good luck in there.” He said, clapping him on the back.

“Thanks. We’ll see you later.”

The guards led them to a staircase, winding down until they came to a long, dark hallway. Clarke instinctively moved closer to Bellamy and he wrapped his arm around her waist in silent reassurance. Murphy came to her other side and Kane was behind her. She really was about as safe as she ever could be.

They could hear the already roaring crowd as Kane led them ‘backstage’. He rushed to get Bellamy in his room before anyone saw him and gave away that he’d be fighting. He was going to keep it a secret until it was announced.

“Okay.” Kane said once they were safely inside of it. “Security will lead you two to your seats.”

“Wait.” Bellamy protested. “I want her here as long as she can be.”

Kane sighed and looked at him like he was gauging whether or not that was a good idea. “Are you focused?” He asked.

“I won’t be if you send her away right now.” He answered simply.

“Fine.” Kane said. “But get your head in the right place.”

“It’s there.” Bellamy assured calmly. “I’m good, Kane.”

“Never been in better shape.” Murphy agreed with him.

“Look, I wanna win this just as badly as you want me to win.” Bellamy said. “I want to fight and I want to win. I want that money secured for my family... I’ve got this.” He said for what felt like the hundredth time.

Kane nodded. “I know you do, son. I’m proud of you.”

“Hey, get sappy after I win, huh?” Bellamy teased.

Kane smirked and Bellamy started to stretch. He wasn’t nervous at all.

Clarke was though, even if she was trying to hide it. She was wringing her hands together, and her chest felt right.

Bellamy walked over and kissed the top of her head. “It’s gonna be fine, princess. I promise.”

She let out a breath and forced her body to relax. “I know.” She smiled.

The announcer came over the speaker, giving the 10 minute warning for the less important fights to start.

“That’s our cue to head to the stands.” Murphy told Clarke.

Suddenly, she wished she wasn’t here. That they weren’t here. They should all be home.

“Hey,” Bellamy leaned down in front of her. “Just breathe, baby. I’ll be okay. And Murphy’s got you, okay?”

“Yeah, I-“ she cut off and let out a frustrated breath. She was mad at herself because he needed to focus on the fight and he was worrying about her instead. “I know. I’m okay.” She said as coolly as possible.

“You sure?” He asked. “Because if you need to go back to the car-“

“No.” She cut him off firmly. “I’m fine. I wanna be here. I’m gonna be in the front row, waiting to see you kick ass.”

He smiled at that. “Alright then.” He kissed her long, wrapping his hand around the back of her head. “I love you.” He said when he pulled. “I’ll see you out there.”

“I love you too.” She smiled.

Murphy let security through the door first so they could follow. He led Clarke out the door and put a comforting hand on her back.

“Okay, now how are you really feeling?” He asked once he was sure they were out of earshot.

“I’m freaking out a little.” She admitted, letting him guide her.

“A little, or a lot?” He asked concerned.

“Just- just a little.” She said feeling small.

“Alright.” He moved closer to her. “You’re good. Just like Bellamy said. Breathe. This will be over before you know it.”

“Fuck, I hope so.” She whispered.

They walked from the back, out into the crowd.

It was loud. People were screaming and shouting in every direction. She couldn’t even tell if it was angry screams or excited ones. And she could barely move. Every step she took she collided with someone- no one seeming to care. And security wouldn’t be able to stop it anyway.

The smell of blood was strong and it was making her feel sick, but she swallowed and tried not to think about it.

The guys were right... this was a lot.

_You can handle this_, she told herself.

Then Murphy was pulling her closer. “Hey, stay close.” He warned and looked at her carefully. “Are you still with me?”

“Yeah, just- these people are crazy.” She stuttered.

“Listen,” he leaned closer so she could hear him over all the noise. “If you wanna just go wait in the back-“

“No.” She cut him off quickly. “I don’t. I- I wanna see him. He needs me to be out here.”

Murphy made a face but nodded. “Alright. Let’s keep moving then.” He wrapped his arm around her though, keeping her close to him.

They sat right in the front row. A guard on each side of them and two behind them.

Clarke was getting anxious, picking at the skin on her thumb, shifting constantly. Murphy watched her out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Any hint of panic, you tell me.”

She nodded, but continued to look on the verge. People around her were talking about Lincoln. How good he was, already making bets against the “mystery fighter”. 

_Idiots_, Clarke thought. What kind of a person makes a bet against a person they haven’t even seen yet?

It was making her even more nervous though. Was Lincoln as good as everyone was saying? Was Bellamy as good as Kane and Murphy we’re saying?

God, she hoped he was. She didn’t need him to win, but she did need him to be okay. To be able to walk away from this fight and come home with her.

She looked up to see Kane whispering to the announcer who’s mouth dropped in surprise. She watched a smile spread across his face and he clapped Kane on the back, nodding to him and saying something that she of course couldn’t hear.

There was a total of 5 fights before Bellamy and Lincoln. A couple went fast, while the others drug out longer.

Finally the last one had finished and Clarke couldn’t seem to catch her breath.

“He’s about up.” Murphy leaned down to tell her as the crowd kept getting louder and more worked up. “They’re gonna lose their minds.”

“Ladies and gentlemen! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!”

Her eyes were drawn to the outskirts of the ring, where the announcer stood.

“And do we have a special treat for you people tonight.” The man smiled. “Buckle in, because this is gonna be one hell of a ride!”

Clarke’s heart was pounding. This whole thing was too much. All the build up. All these people excited to see two guys beat the hell out of each other. It was insane.

“We not only have one undefeated underground fighter tonight, ladies and gentlemen... we have two!”

The energy around them was intensifying as he spoke, the anticipation finally about to break loose.

“On your right, we have the man who’s ruled the ring for last two years. Heavy, hard, and always ready for a fight. Lincoln the Savage!”

Clarke rolled her eyes at the ridiculous name. The crowd screamed louder, jumping up and down. And the spotlight was drawn to the outer edge of the concrete where the fighters came out as Lincoln appeared.

“We love you, Lincoln!”

“You can savage me, baby!”

“Lincoln, I’ll be waiting to suck you off!”

Girls yelled from all directions.

“For fuck sake.” Clarke looked at Murphy. “These girls are disgusting.”

Murphy winced. “Yeah, it’s a little vulgar. Don’t uh... don’t get upset when Bell comes out, okay? We talked about this. They’re gonna flip out. But it’s all just part of it.”

Clarke tightened her jaw but nodded as Lincoln jogged into the ring.

The man was built. Clarke would give him that. He was taller than Bellamy by maybe an inch or two, and probably had a few pounds over him. He had tattoos lining his body, making him look more intimidating than he probably actually was and he never once smiled.

Clarke tried to swallow down her worry. He really did look strong. And he was undefeated just like Bellamy. Tonight, someone would lose that title. She could only hope that it’d be Lincoln.

Dread filled her stomach as the crowd kept roaring around her. She grabbed Murphy’s arm and reached up to talk in his ear. “Murphy, I don’t wanna see him get hurt.” Her voice was shaking.

He looked down at her, immediately concerned. “Listen, he’s got this, Clarke. I promise you. He knows what he’s doing.”

“But he’s gonna get hit and I- I don’t think I can-“

“And it’s part of it.” Murphy cut her off and grabbed her shoulders. “He knows how to take a hit. A fucking lot of hits actually. I know you haven’t seen him fight all out, but trust me, he’s got this.”

She took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves, but her head snapped around as the announcer started talking again.

“Now on the other side,” he started dramatically. “We’ve got a man built like a fucking ox. A man the ladies would die for. A man we haven’t seen in years, back to try and claim his title as the undefeated underground king! The man, the legend, Bellamy fucking Blake!”

The crowd lost it, erupting into chaos and Clarke jumped, moving closer to Murphy. She didn’t think she’d ever heard people scream so loud in her entire life. 

Bellamy appeared in the spot light and she had to catch her breath. He really was beautiful. His abs flexed as he walked, his shoulders broad and strong. He was built before, but damn. Now he was rock solid. Every muscle pronounced and hard.

The veins in his arms were making him look that much stronger- that much hotter. For a second she forgot what she was there for, forgot that she was worried. Focusing instead on the man in front of her. The man she loved and looked like heaven walking. He was wearing a smirk that could make any girl fall in love with him. He turned, scanning the crowd and she realized he was looking for her. He didn’t let the smirk fall from his face, keeping it up for the crowd.

Murphy let out a whistle, knowing exactly what Bellamy needed and his eyes found them, a smile lighting his face when he saw her. He threw her a wink and she couldn’t help but smile at him. Her heart doing flips as she watched him.

He was confident about this. His aura was strong and powerful. He felt good and that eased the pressure on her chest some.

He ducked into the ring and went to the corner where Kane was standing. His muscles rippled across his back as he rolled his shoulders, stretching and loosening up.

Clarke finally snapped out of it at Murphy’s voice. “Still doing alright?”

She jumped and looked up at him, coming back to reality. She hadn’t realized that she’d been blocking the noises around her until now. Now they hit her full force.

“Hey, hot stuff!”

“I missed you, sexy!”

“Let me suck your cock, Bellamy!”

“Take me home!”

She blinked a few times shaking her head. This is just part of it, she reminded herself. One night. This will all be over soon.

“Hey, don’t focus on them.” Murphy told her, referring to the screaming women. “Focus on _him_.” He turned her head back to the ring to look at Bellamy and she did her best to block everything else out.

Murphy was on high alert. People were screaming, demanding the money they’d placed on bets back. Not that that was going to happen. There was bound to be a fight break out. He just had to keep Clarke safe from it.

He also had to hope she could keep herself from an anxiety attack.

Finally the bell rang, signifying the start and Murphy’s attention snapped to the ring.

Lincoln was bigger than Bellamy, but not by much and Bellamy was faster, but again, not by much.

They danced around each other, both feeling the other out before swinging. Lincoln threw the first punch, missing Bellamy’s face by a hair as he ducked gracefully out of the way and swung a punch of his own, his fist connecting with Lincoln’s stomach.

The crowd grew even louder. People were cheering him on and some people were pissed off at having made their bet against him already. But some were confident in their choice with Lincoln.

This wasn’t going to be an easy fight. They were both too good for this to be over quickly.

The first hit that landed on Bellamy made Clarke gasp, her hand coming to cover her mouth.

“Hey, he’s gonna get hit. It’s okay.” She barely registered Murphy’s voice. “He can take it. He’s trained for this.”

When the bell rang, ending the first round, she let herself breathe a minute. Neither had done any real damage to the other.

It was kind of mesmerizing to watch. The two of them gracefully bouncing around themselves, both skilled and composed.

Halfway through the second round, Bellamy lost his footing only for a second, but it was long enough that Lincoln managed to back him into a corner and all he could do was block the hits. It was the first time Lincoln had gained an advantage.

“Get out of there!” Kane yelled.

“Come on, Bell.” Clarke whispered, barely able to watch.

”Bellamy, now!” Kane yelled, but he was stuck.

The hits were coming fast and Lincoln wasn’t letting up. There was no break for Bellamy to slip out.

“Bellamy, move!” Clarke yelled that time.

Lincoln reared back, looking like he was about to throw a hit that would end it all, when Bellamy let his body weight fall and spun to the side, breaking Lincoln’s hold. Lincoln’s momentum sent him flying forward, straight into the corner, reversing their positions.

Bellamy wasted no time, landing hit after hit while Lincoln did his best to block.

The bell rang again and Bellamy backed off, then offered a hand to Lincoln, who was slumped against the ring.

Lincoln smirked at him, the first emotion Bellamy had seen from the man.

“Saved by the bell.” Lincoln smiled, taking Bellamy’s offered hand.

Bellamy let out a laugh, pulling him up.

“You’re not bad.” Lincoln said lowly. “I’ve never gone more than one round with someone.”

“Neither have I.” Bellamy admitted. “At least not at an actual fight.”

They didn’t have time to keep talking though, as they were rushed into position for the next round.

“I can’t let you win.” Lincoln told him.

Bellamy put his hands back up. “You’re not gonna have a choice.”

The bell rang and neither waited to move this time. Both having something to prove.

This was where Bellamy had an advantage being smaller. Lincoln came at him full force, ready to swing. At the last second Bellamy dropped, sliding his body past Lincoln’s and kicking a leg out, swiping Lincoln’s feet out from under him.

Lincoln fell hard, his head hitting the mat and the crowd gasped. Bellamy gave him enough time to stand up, but only just and he backed Lincoln into the corner. He was done dragging this out.

While Lincoln was still recovering, Bellamy pulled his fist back, bringing a left hook full force and it sent Lincoln falling to the ground.

Bellamy’s heart skipped a beat, remembering his last knock out.

“We have a winner!” The announcer yelled.

But Bellamy’s world was spinning. His eyes stayed on Lincoln, waiting for him to move. He went to him, going on his knees and shifting Lincoln. He let out a breath when the man opened his eyes.

“Jesus.” Bellamy cursed. “You good, man?”

“Other than losing my title to a man that hasn’t fought in years and having an instant killer headache?” Lincoln asked. “I’m great.”

Bellamy smiled and rose to his feet, extending his hand to Lincoln who graciously accepted it.

Then the announcer was in the ring, pulling Bellamy’s arm into the air. And then Clarke was climbing _through _the ring. He pulled his arm from the announcers and caught her as she leapt into his arms. 

“You did it.” She whispered in his ear.

“Did you ever doubt me?” His voice rumbled.

The crowd was still going wild around them. It was going to get crazy. Half the people extatic that Bellamy had won, and the other half pissed off.

Bellamy put Clarke down and nodded to Murphy, then to Kane. “You stay with them.” He told her. “Shit’s about to get even more crazy.”

She nodded and went to Kane and Murphy, and Bellamy went to shake Lincoln’s hand.

“You put up a hell of a fight.” Lincoln said.

“You too.” Bellamy said.

“Octvaia’s lucky to have a brother like you.” Lincoln gave a small smile. “I look forward to getting to know you.”

Bellamy froze, his eyes narrowing. “What?”

Lincoln’s mouth froze, hanging halfway open. “I- she told me that she told you.”

“You’re the one she’s been talking to?” Bellamy asked, starting to feel anger rising.

Clarke could see the change in Bellamy even from outside the ring. “Whoa. Guys, something’s wrong.”

Kane followed her eyes to Bellamy and could see his body was tense, his hand still gripping Lincoln’s tightly.

“Shit.” Murphy cursed. “Let’s go Kane!” He said jumping in the ring.

Kane was right behind him and they both moved to pull Bellamy back.

“Do you have any idea how much she’s struggling?” Bellamy’s voice started to rise.

“Bell, whatever this is, it’s not the time.” Murphy warned. “Let’s go.”

“No, this is _exactly_ the time.” Bellamy growled, surging forward, but he heard Clarke’s voice in the distance.

“Get the fuck off me!” She yelled. And although it could barely be heard from where they were, his ears caught it sharply.

He turned and saw two men grabbing at her and immediately forgot anything about Lincoln.

He ran towards her and Kane turned to Lincoln. “You better get out of sight fast.” Then ran to follow Bellamy and Murphy who had already taken off towards Clarke.

She pulled her knee up, landing it straight into one of the mans balls and he lost his grip on her, falling hard, but the other man grabbed her by both of her arms.

Bellamy leapt over the top of the ring with ease and grabbed the man harshly by the collar of his shirt, slamming him into the ground.

“Bellamy!” Kane yelled, trying to stop him while Murphy ran to Clarke.

“I’m okay.” She said quickly. “I’m okay. Stop him.”

Murphy didn’t look sure, but Bellamy looked like he was out for blood and killing someone in front of all these people was not sounding like the best idea.

“Bellamy, let him up.” Murphy yelled.

They managed to pull him back, but Bellamy was pissed. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He yelled.

Kane grabbed one man and Murphy grabbed the other, who was still recovering from Clarke’s blow.

Bellamy stalked up to the one that Kane was holding. “Give me one good reason not to fucking kill you!” He yelled.

“Please, don’t!” The man begged. “We were just doing our job. He said he’d pay us!”

“Who?” Bellamy grabbed the mans neck.

“J-Jake! Jake Griffin.” He stuttered. “He said if we could get her to him, he’d pay us 200k!”

“Where is he?” Bellamy growled.

“We don’t know! I swear!” The man said quickly. “If we got her, we were supposed to leave her locked in some motel room and he’d transfer us the money.”

“What hotel?” Bellamy shook him.

“The Arkadia Inn. Please, I don’t know anything else! I swear!” He cried.

Bellamy shoved him hard and Kane let him go, causing him to fall.

“If I ever see either one of you again, you’re both dead.” Bellamy said darkly.

They both scattered away quickly and Bellamy turned his attention on Clarke.

She was shaking, but she was still breathing and that was the most important thing.

“Hey, are you okay?” He places his hands on her cheeks. “Did they hurt you?”

“No- no, I’m okay.” She said shakily.

Bellamy turned to look at Kane. “Call your guards and make sure the girls are safe.” Then he looked at Murphy. “We need to get the hell out of here and get back home.”

“I’ve got everything handled here.” Kane said. “You guys get her home. Security will follow you.”

“Clarke, look at me.” Bellamy said trying to get her attention. “Keep breathing, okay? I’m right here.”

She met his eyes and nodded. He knew she was scared, but she was holding it together.

“Let’s get you home.” He said stood up and then helped her to her feet, wrapping his arm around her.

The crowd hadn’t died down, either in noise or size. And Bellamy knew that wouldn’t exactly help Clarke’s feeling of panic right now. 

Plus his own panic was bubbling at the thought of something happening to the girls at the house.

They had to get there and fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you had guessed the Octavia/Lincoln thing already, so I guess I’m not that clever lol. I’m in the process of writing two fics, bc when I get an idea in my head, sometimes I just have to write it out and I hope it’s something you guys will enjoy as well. But I promise, this one is not abandoned! I’m going to try my absolute hardest to post another update on Friday. Thank you guys for hanging in there with me. Hope everyone is staying safe 😘


	52. ~ Long Enough ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update! Found some inspiration hiding deep within me haha.

Bellamy squealed the tires, peeling out of the abandoned parking lot of the fight.

“Murphy, call Raven.” He ordered. “I don’t wanna make them worry, but I need to hear that they’re okay.

He couldn’t wait for Kane to call his guards and then call him back. He needed to know _now_. Murphy hit Raven’s name quickly and when she answered, Bellamy could breathe a little easier, but only just.

Murphy put her on speaker and held the phone up to the front seat. “Raven, is everything okay there?”

“Uh, yeah... Why? Is it not there? What’s going on?” She sounded confused.

“Nothing. Everything’s fine.” Murphy said calmly. “Listen, we’re on the way hom-“

“Raven, you and Octavia take Madi upstairs to my bedroom and you stay there until we’re home.” Bellamy cut Murphy off.

“So much for not making them worried.” Murphy mumbled.

_“Why?_ Bellamy, what’s going on?” She asked again, more urgently this time.

Clarke closed her eyes tight and shook her head. Bellamy caught it out of the corner of his eye and glanced at her, grasping her hand with his free one.

“I’ll explain when we get home.” He told her. “Just do what I said and I mean it when I say you don’t open that door for _anyone_.” He had no idea who her dad would go after to hurt her and he wasn’t taking any chances.

“Murphy?” Raven asked, needing an answer to what was wrong. “Just- please tell me everyone is okay.”

“We’re all fine. We’ll be home soon, okay. Just listen to Bell.” He tried to assure her.

She let out a frustrated sigh, but she wasn’t going to argue anymore. “Okay.”

“I love you, Raven.” Murphy said quietly.

“I love you too.” She respond. “Be safe.”

Murphy hung up the phone and looked at Bellamy annoyed. “Don’t wanna freak them out, huh? Telling them to go hide in the bedroom?”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay.” Bellamy snapped. “I’m feeling a little freaked out myself and I’m trying to make sure they stay safe.”

“There’s a shit ton of guards there, Bellamy.” Murphy snapped back. “What do you think is gonna happen?”

“There were guards at the fight too!” Bellamy’s voice boomed. “But where were they when those two assholes tried to take Clarke? Because I didn’t fucking see them!”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t have been trying to play like some macho asshole and go after the guy you just beat, then they wouldn’t have been preoccupied.” Murphy retorted, both of them yelling at this point.

“Oh, so it’s _my fault_?” Bellamy asked angrily.

“Both of you stop!” Clarke yelled tensely. Her eyes were still closed and she was still shaking.

It shut both of them up immediately. Murphy slumped back in the seat, looking guilty and Bellamy managed to looked guilty, angry _and_ worried all at once. 

“It’s nobody’s fault.” She said through closed eyes. She shook her head and opened her eyes, but kept her gaze forward. “No one’s except _his_.”

A part of her was blaming herself, but she was doing her best to push that part down.

“You’re right.” Bellamy said, trying to sound calm.

Fuck, he was being an asshole. He and Murphy both were.

“We’re sorry, Clarke.” Murphy said softly.

It always surprised Bellamy how well Murphy did in these situations with Clarke, but he was grateful for it.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asked her. “Did they hurt you?”

“No. I’m _not_ okay. I want this to be over.” She said. “I don’t wanna live like this.”

Bellamy was angry. He couldn’t hide that fact. He didn’t want her to live like this either. “I’m going to that motel.” He said low and determined.

“The hell you are.” Clarke snapped quickly. “What do you possibly think that would accomplish?”

“I’ll go with you.” Murphy sat back up.

“Neither of you are going _anywhere_ but home!” Clarke said firmly.

“Yes, we are.” Bellamy argued. “If those guys were taking you there, then he’ll be waiting there. And that’s where I’ll fucking kill him.”

“No, you won’t.” Clarke continued. “Because if they were going to take me there, that means he’ll be watching and waiting for _me_. And I can guarantee you that if he doesn’t see me, he won’t show his face. That’s if those guys didn’t already warn him that they got busted, which I’m sure they did.” 

Bellamy’s jaw clenched and his grip on the steering wheel tightened.

“So unless you’re gonna hope they didn’t tell him and you’re good with letting me go in that motel, that plan does nothing but put you two at risk.” She ended.

“You’re not going near that motel.” Bellamy said firmly.

“And neither are you.” She told him. “Please, lets just go home.”

He continued to work his jaw, but he couldn’t argue with her. Suddenly he wished the fight hadn’t happened yet so he could let out some of the anger that had built since.

“Lincoln,” Bellamy started. “He’s who Octavia has been seeing.”

“What?” Clarke and Murphy asked in time with each other, both equally surprised.

“Oh my god.” Clarke said.

“No wonder you looked like you were gonna kill him.” Murphy said.

“How does she even know someone like that?” Clarke asked. “She hates the fights.”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy said tightly. “But I’m gonna find out.”

And he was going to find out soon. He pulled in the long driveway and slid to a stop. The guards, to their credit, were on high alert, lowering their weapons when they saw Bellamy.

“Nothing out of the ordinary, sir.” The man at the front door said.

“Thank you.” Bellamy said, opening the door for Clarke. “Do me a favor and stay here until Kane gets back?” He asked the guard, who nodded.

When he went inside, Octavia was already waiting at the stairs for him. “Bell, I can explain.” She started.

“Start with explaining why the hell you aren’t upstairs.” He snapped.

“Look, he’s not like you think-“

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me?” He yelled. “You’ve been walking around here for a week, not saying shit! Telling me not to fight, so _what_? So I wouldn’t hurt your boyfriend?”

“I just-“

“No, Octavia. You tried to talk me out of it. You wanted me to risk my family’s life for that guy?” Bellamy asked loudly. “What’d you think? That I was gonna kill him?”

“I don’t know!” She yelled.

“Octavia, I don’t have time for this. Get. Upstairs.” He demanded.

“Bellamy, just listen to me!” Octavia tried.

“What, O?” Bellamy yelled, flinging his arms out in frustration.

Then she hesitated, like she hadn’t expected him to stop and listen. “I... I love him.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ.”

Even Octavia knew it sounded lame. She’d had a more thought out argument in her head before, but she’d blanked once he was in front of her.

“You _love_ him?” Bellamy asked, sounding entirely done with the conversation.

She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off.

“Go upstairs.” He snapped. “We’ll have this conversation later.” He wasn’t in the right headspace to talk to her right now.

Octavia held back her tears and stormed upstairs, the door to Madi’s room slamming shut.

Bellamy let out a long breath.

“Well I guess Madi won’t be sleeping in her own room tonight.” Murphy quipped and Clarke shot him a quick glare.

Raven came to the top of the stairs with Madi. “I tried to keep her up here.” She told Bellamy.

Bellamy nodded. “I know you did. It’s okay.”

He grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her gently to the stairs.

Once they were in the bedroom Raven set Madi down, resting her against the pillows in the middle of the bed.

“Okay, I really need you guys to tell me what happened.” Raven said. “Octavia got on the phone and started freaking out and I couldn’t get her to listen to me and now she’s telling me that she’s dating the guy you fought?”

“She is.” Murphy said. “And Bellamy won, by the way.”

“That wasn’t ever really a question, was it?” Raven asked sarcastically. “But that’s not why you called freaking out. So tell me what’s wrong.”

“There were two guys there for Clarke.” Bellamy said carefully.

“What?” Raven blinked and looked to Clarke who was digging her fingernails into her palms.

“I’m okay.” Clarke said, but Raven knew better. “They didn’t hurt me.”

“I didn’t know what he’d try to do.” Bellamy continues. “I was worried they’d come here. I wanted you as safe as you could be.”

“Now you think he’ll hurt us to get to her?” Raven asked.

“... it’s possible.” Bellamy answered hesitantly.

“You guys have to do something.” Raven said furiously. “He can’t do this to her. Try to have her kidnapped, try to take one of us to get her!”

“Well Clarke won’t let us go to the motel he’s supposed to be at, so...” Murphy said.

“You know where he’s at?” Raven perked up.

“We know where he _was_.” Clarke corrected. “The guys that took me have startled him off by now. He won’t be there.”

Raven sighed and sat down on the bed. “What if he is still there.”

Bellamy had thought the same thing. Those guys might not have said anything to him. He could still be staking out the place.

“No one is going to that motel.” Clarke said. “It’s too dangerous.”

“_If_ he’s still watching the place, he’s going to be focused on the motel.” Murphy said, ignoring Clarke. “He won’t be focused on what’s behind him.”

“We’ll have the element of surprise.” Bellamy said, gears turning.

“I don’t care what you two have to do, just get it done.” Raven said. “I am _done_ with that man threatening my family.”

Bellamy and Murphy didn’t need to hear anymore. Bellamy grabbed his gun, holstering it and they both went to leave the room, but Clarke blocked them.

“No.” She said. “We’re not doing this. I’m not losing either of you.”

“You’re not gonna lose us, Clarke. Get out of the way.” Bellamy tried to say calmly.

“But I might!” She argued. “You don’t know who he has with him. He has money, Bellamy and he could use that money for all sorts of things. Just because the guys he sent to get me were useless doesn’t mean other people he may have helping him are.”

“I’m not going to just sit here while he makes threats and tries to take you!” Bellamy argued back. “I can’t, Clarke.”

“And I can’t lose you!” She said, fighting back tears. “Please, I have a bad feeling about this, Bellamy. Please just stay here.” She pleaded.

Bellamy pushed his own tears down and shook his head. He walked up to her and placed a hand on the side of her neck, kissing her forehead.

She let her tears fall, because she knew what was coming.

“You know I'd do anything for you.” He whispered. “Which is why I have to do this.” Then he gently brushed past her.

She let out a sob and Bellamy did his best to swallow his emotions down, his chest tight and his heart hammering.

He went to grab his extra gun clips from the hall closet and Murphy grabbed his own.

Where are you going?” Octavia asked, coming out if Madi’s room.

“To put an end to this shit.” Bellamy growled.

“To what shit?” She asked hurriedly.

“Octavia, let them be.” Raven came out of the room. “This isn’t about you.”

“Why are you loading up every gun you have?” Octavia asked, ignoring Raven.

“Because we’re going after Clarke’s dad. This shit’s gone on long enough.” Bellamy said, focusing on the guns.

“Bell, please. You’re not thinking clearly.” Clarke tried again, still crying. “This isn’t a good idea.”

He really needed her to stop crying, because he was coming close to breaking and giving into her pleas. It hurt him, but her life being threatened hurt him more. He had to do this.

“I’m thinking perfectly clear.” He told her, voice steady.

He started down the stairs and everyone followed.

Kane walked in and looked confused. “Where are you going?”

“They’re trying to go to the motel. Kane, you have to stop them.” Clarke tried. “They’re going to get themselves killed.”

Kane’s eyes lit up with recognition. “You think he’s still there?”

“We do.” Bellamy nodded. “You gonna try to stop me?” He dared.

“No.” Kane thought for a brief moment before nodding towards the door. “But I’m coming with you.”

“God...” Clarke closed her eyes and tried to take a breath.

All three of them were blinded with rage and apparently so was Raven.

“You guys aren’t listening to her.” Octavia said. “You’re gonna get yourselves killed. And then you’ll leave a door open for her dad to get her, because you’ll all be dead.”

“If Clarke didn’t change my mind, neither will you.” Bellamy told her gently.

He was strangely calm, focused. He was ready to end this.

He walked up to Clarke, looking at her softly. “I have to do this.” 

She let out a sob and threw herself onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her up and hugging her as tight as he dared.

“I love you.” He whispered in her ear. “I promise you I’ll be back.”

He lowered her down and kissed her one last time before turning to Murphy and Kane. “It’s time to end this for good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, the angst! I know this is a shorter chapter, but I already have the next one written, so you guys won’t be left hanging for long!


	53. ~ The Killer ~

They left. Clarke couldn’t stop them. And now she was on the verge of a panic attack. She went down to her knees, trying to stop her body from shaking.

“Clarke,” Raven started, kneeling down beside her.

“No, Raven. Don’t.” Clarke shook her head, not willing to take any comfort.

“This has to be done.” Raven said softly. “He’s playing with you. He could kill you.” 

“He could kill _them_!” She argued. “I don’t want them to die for me! God, I-“ she cut off short, taking in a sharp breath. 

Octavia knelt down in front of her. “Hey, Clarke. Please, don’t lose it on us.”

She did her best to take in a full breath of air. Madi started fussing upstairs and Octavia nodded to Raven. “Go get her. I’ve got this.” She said.

Raven didn’t look sure, but she went to grab Madi anyway.

Clarke looked at Octavia through her tears. “Octavia, I can’t lose them. I can’t-“

“Hey, I know. It’s okay. They’re smart.” Octavia tried, even though they both knew there was nothing smart about what they were doing right now. “They’ll be okay. They’ll be careful.”

“This is my fault.” She wiped away her tears. “I should be the one out there. He wants me.”

“This isn’t your fault.” Octavia said firmly. “Don’t go back to that shit, Clarke.”

“I have to go to the motel.” Clarke did her best to stop her tears and stood up.

“No, you don’t.” Octavia stood up too, blocking her. “All you’ll do is distract Bellamy. And he’ll lose his shit if he sees you anywhere _near_ your dad.”

“All of your lives are so fucked up because of this. Because of me. I have to do this.” Clarke said.

“No. Clarke, _no you don’t_.” Octavia’s heart dropped to her stomach, realizing what Clarke was planning to do. She was going to give herself up. “If you do what you’re thinking, it will kill Bellamy. And then what about Madi? You have to think. Don’t be like them and storm out of here without thinking this through.”

Clarke stopped, looking like she was fighting herself. Her eyes met Octavia’s and Octavia just shook her head. “It _will_ kill him, Clarke... You know it will.”

River let out a deep growl and they both froze.

They looked towards the back door where River was growling. 

Octavia looked back at Clarke. “There’s a guard back there, right?”

“Right.” Clarke answered, keeping her gaze on the door.

She went to turn the light on and peaked out of the glass, but she couldn’t see anyone. 

There was a loud thump and Octavia opened the back door. “Hey, what the fuck are you doing out here?”

“Octavia, wait!” Clarke tried to pull her back, but she was already running outside. “Damnit!”

Clarke ran out following her and they both crashed into each other, slamming to a stop as a gunshot rang through the air. Octavia fell forward, landing in the grass.

The guard that was by the door fell, blood starting to spread across his shirt.

“Holy shit.” Clarke whispered, her eyes focusing on the guard.

Octavia let out a gasp and Clarke looked up to see her dad standing there with her mom in a chokehold and a gun pointed at Octavia’s head.

“Get up.” He snarled at Octavia.

“Wait, no!” Clarke shot to her feet. “Don’t hurt her... please.”

River lunged forward and Clarke dropped to her knees, grabbing his collar. “River, no!”

Raven looked out the window from Madi’s bedroom and covered her mouth. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” She put Madi in her crib with shaking hands and managed to dial Bellamy’s number.

“If you’re changing your mind, Raven, it’s too lat-“

“Bellamy, he’s here.” She cut him off.

You know that feeling? The one where all of the air rushes out of your lungs and you can’t breathe? The one where your blood runs completely cold? The one that feels like your heart is going to break its way out of your chest? 

That was what Bellamy felt like. And this time he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep it in.

The world stopped. His breathing stopped.

Everything. Stopped. 

He slammed on the brakes, tires squealing and the truck sliding to a stop, his mind kicking into gear.

“Bellamy, what the fuck!” Murphy yelled.

“Raven, where are the guards?” He put the phone on speaker and threw it in the cup holder and turned the truck around quickly.

“I don’t know. I- he- he shot one. I think he’s dead.” Raven stuttered.

Murphy’s eyes grew wide, realizing what was happening. “He set us up.”

“I- I can’t see the rest. It’s too dark.” Raven continued.

“Raven, where’s you’re gun?” Murphy asked. 

“It’s here. I have it, but... god, Murphy, they’re down there. Clarke and Octavia are down there with him.”

“Fuck!” Bellamy hit the steering wheel, barreling through the streets like a mad man and this time no one was going to complain about his driving. “Raven, can you see him? Do you have a shot?”

“No, it’s- he’s got Clarke’s mom and he’s pointing the gun at them. Guys, please hurry. I don’t know what to do!” Raven was trying to hold it together.

“Stay upstairs!” Bellamy ordered. “Do you have Madi?”

“Yes, she’s here. I’m in her room.”

“Raven, do _not_ leave that room. Do you hear me?” Bellamy told her. “Don’t let him know you’re there.”

“Kane, where are your other guards?” Murphy asked urgently.

“I can’t get any of them on the radio.” He said from the backseat.

They weren’t far from the house, but they were still _too far_.

Back at the house, Clarke raised one of her hands and held River with the other. “Don’t hurt her.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Her dad asked.

“Because this has nothing to do with her.” Clarke tried to rationalize. “You want me.”

“Maybe I want more now. And maybe I should shoot your fucking guard dog too.” Jake threatened.

“No! Let me just put him inside.” Clarke pleaded. “He’s not gonna hurt you.”

“You make one wrong move and your friend here gets a bullet in her pretty little head.” He said.

Clarke stood up slowly and somehow managed to get a barking and snarling River back into the house and shut the door. 

“Why do you have her?” Clarke nodded at her mother.

“Because she thinks she can stop me!” He yelled. “She wants to change her life. But it’s too late for that. After everything she did, _now _she wants redemption?”

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.” Her mother cried.

“Shut up, bitch.” Jake held her tighter. “You both tried to bring me down and now look where we’re at.”

“What do you want?” Clarke asked carefully.

“I want you both to suffer like I have!” He pointed his gun at her mother. “I want you to watch her die and then if you’re lucky, I’ll spare your friend and take you with me. Or maybe she’ll come along for the ride.”

“Neither of us are going anywhere with you, you sick fuck!” Octavia growled.

“Shut the fuck up!” He pointed the gun back to Octavia.

“Please, I’ll go with you. Just stop!” Clarke said.

_“No,_ you won’t!” Octavia yelled.

Clarke’s heart sank as she heard Madi let out a cry. Her dads eyes shot to the window upstairs.

“Fuck.” Raven cursed quietly, ducking beneath the window quickly. “Fuck. He heard her.”

“Raven, stay calm.” Kane said with a steady voice. “We’re almost there.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Bellamy growled dangerously.

“We need a plan.” Kane said level headed. “We can’t rush in there. She has Clarke and Octavia and you know he won’t hesitate to hurt them.”

“The plan is to fucking _kill him!_” Bellamy’s head was spinning and he couldn’t see anything but blind rage.

“Bell, he’s right.” Murphy said. “I can go through the back door so he sees me and I can distract him. You guys each go around back and come at him from the sides.”

“That’s a good idea.” Kane agreed. “Bellamy?”

His knuckles were white on the steering wheel and his entire body looked ready to explode. “I’m pulling the god damn trigger.” He said in response.

“We know, son.” Kane agreed. “Slow down and turn your headlights off so he doesn’t see us coming.”

Bellamy hit the brakes, because Kane was right. He didn’t want her dad to know they were coming. And they were close.

He pulled up to the driveway and the guard that had been posted there was in a pool of his own blood.

“Shit.” Murphy said looking at him.

They stopped the truck at the front of the driveway and ran the rest of the way up to the house. 

Murphy went to the front door, stepping over another dead guard and went straight through to the back door. 

•

“What was that?” Jake demanded. “Is there someone else in the house?”

“I- it’s no one. I’m babysitting.” Clarke tried to cover.

“You have a baby.” He said, not believing her. “Oh, now that changes everything.” He grinned menacingly and took a step forward. “Let’s take a walk inside.”

“No.” Clarke said firmly, stepping to block his view of the door. “Look, I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll go with you. I won’t fight you, but you’re gonna have to kill me if you want inside that house.”

“Not if I kill _him_ first.” Murphy said busting through the back door, gun aimed at Jake.

But Jake pushed Abby in front of him and grabbed Octavia instead.

Then, he shot Abby right through the back of the head.

Octavia screamed and Clarke gasped, her mouth dropping open, unable to look away.

Murphy didn’t let his eyes stray from Jake though, aiming his gun still.

“Make another move and she’s next!” Jake yelled, looking at Murphy.

“Hey, listen. Why don’t we talk about this?” Murphy said, holding his gun out to his side. “Come to some sort of compromise?”

“Like what?” Jake spat.

“Oh, I don’t know.” Murphy continued, sounding way too relaxed. “You walk away right now, don’t even _think _about Clarke ever again and we don’t kill you.”

“Not much of a compromise to me.” He said, holding Octavia tightly in front of him. “How about I take the baby and Clarke, and you can keep _this_ bitch?”

“No!” Clarke picked herself off the ground. “I’ll do whatever you want, just leave them alone!”

“Whatever I want, huh?” He asked.

Murphy looked at Octavia and motioned to the side with his eyes. She carefully looked without turning her head.

_Bellamy._

“Take off your clothes.” Jake said slowly.

Murphy’s eyes shot back to him. “You sick fuck.”

“Fuck you!” Octavia yelled even with the gun to her head. “Clarke, don’t!”

“You take them off, or you go get that baby.” He said. “I bet it’s a little girl too. Just like you. Imagine all the fun we can have together.”

It took everything in Murphy to stop himself from raising his gun back up and ending this.

Clarke felt sick. Nothing about this felt real, but it _was._

“What is wrong with you?” Clarke asked. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold herself together. But if Murphy was here, that meant Bellamy was too. And that meant Jake didn’t have many more breaths left to take.

“Are you gonna start taking off your clothes, or are we gonna make a trip inside?” He asked, getting impatient.

Thunder rolled close by and lightening struck overhead.

“Better make it quick.” He added. “You and I have places to go after your little show.”

She took her shaking hands and grabbed the bottom of her shirt. She looked at her mom, gunshot through her head and had to push back bile.

_Just pretend it’s all a bad dream,_ she told herself. 

The rain came from nowhere. It didn’t start sprinkling, or misting first. One second the thunder boomed with the threat of it and the next it was pouring down on top of them.

Before she could pull her shirt all the way off, she heard Bellamy yell. “Now, Octavia!”

Then Octavia dropped hard, breaking Jake’s grasp on her and throwing herself forward onto the ground. 

Bellamy didn’t wait. He pulled the trigger, shooting until the clip was empty, every shot going straight into Jake’s chest.

Jake hit his knees, his eyes going void of any emotion, falling face first into the grass.

Clarke watched him fall, unblinking, watching her real life monster take his last breath.

It felt like slow motion. It felt unreal. She’d watched him shoot her mother through the head and she had thought that she was next. But she should’ve known Bellamy would stop it. That he’d end her nightmare. Like he always did.

She felt herself suck in a breath. Was this real? Was this really over?

“Clarke?”

Bellamy’s voice broke her out of her thoughts. She looked up to see his sad, guilty eyes on her, but she shook her head. He didn’t need to feel that way. He shouldn’t.

She ran to him and he caught her, pulling her to his chest. She buried her face into his neck and cried.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” He rasped, the reality of how this could have ended hitting him hard. “I’m so sorry.”

She couldn’t find words to answer him yet. She just needed his arms around her. 

Lightening crashed above them, illuminating the scene around them and Bellamy closed his eyes, letting himself hold onto her a moment longer before putting her down.

“We’ve gotta get you inside, princess.” He brushed her wet hair back and she nodded. She was shaking violently and her skin was starting to freeze from the rain and cold.

She turned to look at her parents bodies, but Bellamy stopped her. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.” He turned his head and looked himself though. “Octavia.” He called her name and nodded.

When he came in the house, Raven was racing down the stairs.

“Raven, get some towels.” He told her softly. His anger was gone now. Now he was just worried about Clarke.

Raven quickly returned with multiple towels, handing them off to each of them and then ran back up to grab them dry clothes.

Murphy had followed them in and was starting a fire. “Bellamy, bring her here. She needs to get warm.” He said. “Octavia, you too.”

Octavia listened right away, eager to get warm. 

The temperature had started dropping again recently and the rain was freezing.

“He was gonna kill us.” Octavia whispered, sounding like she was in shock.

Bellamy focused on Clarke, rubbing his hands over her arms in an attempt to warm her. “I know.” He pressed out.

And he’d left them here alone. He could’ve lost them all and it would’ve been his fault. All because his anger was blinding him. That thought was making him sick. Clarke had begged him to stay, to listen to her and he’d left anyway.

Raven handed them all clothes and Octavia changed quickly, wanting to feel warm and dry. Bellamy helped Clarke, who still hadn’t said a word, then changed himself.

He sat down on the floor in front of the fire where she was sitting. “Princess, look at me.” He said in a deep voice.

He felt his heart break when she did, not for the first time. He gently tugged her still wet hair behind her ear, searching for the right words to say.

Before he could say anything, she shook her head, her eyes starting to glisten. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

His eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He said firmly. “Clarke, _none of this_ is on you.”

She took a shaky breath and shrugged her shoulders. “He killed my mom. He shot her and he- he wanted Madi.” She was breaking down and he wasn’t going to be able to stop it. “I tried to just go with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I couldn’t make him listen-“ she broke off in a sob and he pulled her to him immediately.

She fell into him, losing all her strength. Raven and Octavia were crying too. Murphy pulled a bunch of blankets and pillows out and laid them out in front of the fire so they could all gather together on it, then he went upstairs to grab Madi from her crib and sat her in her bouncer next to them.

Kane was still outside, no doubt calling for backup to start cleaning up the mess that was scattered across the property. He and Bellamy would need to help eventually too.

Raven was holding Octavia close to her, Octavia’s head resting on her shoulder and her head resting on Octavia’s, crying and curled up in the blankets Murphy had laid out. 

Clarke was wrapped around Bellamy, her tears almost silent now. Her head was tucked under his chin and her gaze didn’t leave the fire.

Was she a bad person because she felt relieved? Her mother was dead. Killed by her father. And now her father was dead. She couldn’t help but think she was a bad person for being happy about her father. But the happiness was clouded because she kept replaying the bullet go through her mother’s head. She kept replaying her fathers voice, ‘_take off your clothes’_.

A shiver ran through her and she tried to worm closer to Bellamy. He held her tighter and whispered to her. Her brain wasn’t working well enough to decipher what he was saying, but it blocked out her fathers voice, so she focused on it and eventually it blocked everything else out too, until all she could hear was _him_.

Bellamy kissed the top of her head and swayed them softly. Her skin wasn’t cold anymore, which he was grateful for and her shaking had stopped. He didn’t want to let her go, but he was going to have to go help Kane soon.

He was trying not to think about what could’ve happened, but he was pissed at himself for it. He had broken his promise to Clarke without even realizing it. He’d promised her he’d never leave her alone again. He’d been trying to keep her safe and in doing so, he’d put her directly in danger.

“I’m scared to sleep.” Clarke whispered to him, and he could tell she was fighting it.

He understood that. She was afraid she’d see her father in her dreams. Or see her mother. Afraid she’d relive it.

“I know, baby. But I’m right here.” He told her softly. “It’s over now. They can’t hurt you.”

She sniffed and nodded into his chest. “Thank you.”

He almost told her not to thank him. That he didn’t deserve it. But that wouldn’t do any good. So he kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, thanking god that she was alive.

“I love you so much.” He whispered to her.

“I love you too, Bell.” She answered fighting to keep her eyes open.

“Go to sleep, princess. I’m not going anywhere.” He soothed and her body relaxed all the way, her eyes falling shut.

Murphy sat quietly in a chair he’d pulled up by the fire, watching Raven and Octavia. They’d both fallen asleep too, along with Madi.

“Bell?” Murphy asked quietly. “Are you okay?”

“She was gonna go with him.” He said through closed eyes. “She was gonna give herself up. And it would’ve killed her.” The thought made him physically sick.

Murphy didn’t know how to respond to that. Bellamy was right. It _would’ve_ killed her. And then it would’ve killed him.

“I left them alone.” Bellamy rasped.

“_We_ left them alone.” Murphy corrected. “You didn’t make that choice by yourself.”

Bellamy didn’t answer, looking down at Clarke and then over at Madi.

“You ended it, Bellamy. You killed him.” Murphy said.

And that fact helped him more than anything. 

“She begged me not to go and I walked out anyway. She knew something was wrong and I didn’t listen.” He kept chastising himself. “And I’m so tired of feeling like I’m gonna lose her.”

“I know you are.” Murphy said understandingly. “But your biggest threat is gone. Take some comfort in that.”

Bellamy nodded. What was done, couldn’t be undone. He had to live with his mistakes. And they were safe now. He felt satisfaction from the fact that he had been the one to end her fathers life. 

Kane walked in, drenched from the rain, peeling his jacket off. He saw the girls sleeping and did his best not to make any noise.

“Is everyone okay?” He asked quietly.

“Physically...” Bellamy answered just as quietly.

“Do you need us out there?” Murphy asked.

“I’ve got in under control.” Kane shook his head. “Most everything is cleared out already. I’ve got a few men finishing up now.”

Murphy nodded to the table where a clean, dry set of clothes was sitting there for him. “We got you some clothes to change into. There’s a towel too, if you wanna take a shower.”

“I think I will, yes.” Kane grabbed the items and headed upstairs to the bathroom.

Bellamy and Murphy went quiet again, listening to the crackling of the fire. Murphy put another log on it, then went to turn off the light, but caught Bellamy’s eyes watching Madi. “You want her?” Murphy asked.

“Please.” Bellamy responded.

Murphy gently lifted her from her bouncer without waking her up and laid her down next to Clarke, then he laid down next to Raven and Octavia. He pulled a blanket over them and settled in.

Bellamy looked down at Clarke. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully, and he could only be happy about that.

The light from the fire danced across her face and he brushed his thumb across her cheek.

River popped up from his bed and came to lie quietly next to Madi, letting out a big huff. Madi made a soft noise in her sleep and he smiled a little, looking over at them. He held a finger to her small hand and she gripped it even in her sleep.

Tonight he’d made mistakes. He’d left them, he’d almost lost them. But he _hadn’t_. And he’d also secured their future, their safety.

Madi would never have to know what life was like when you had to live in constant fear. She’d never have to go through the same pain as Clarke had to. And Clarke would never have to go through it again.

His actions were violent, maybe even extreme, but he wouldn’t regret them for even a second if he knew it was to keep his family safe. And he’d do it over and over again if he had to.

It was the first night in a long time that he could fall asleep knowing for a fact that her father wasn’t out there. The first night that he could fall asleep easy. Well... easier.

His family had still endured a lot of shit tonight, and it was going to take all them all time to recover. But they would, because they were strong. All of them. And they were even stronger together.

The adrenaline from everything had worn off. He was sore from fighting, he was mentally worn out and he was tired. No. Correction. He was _exhausted_. 

Kane came back down the stairs quietly, thankful to be warm and in dry clothes. He didn’t say anything, just laid on the couch and closed his eyes.

“Kane?” Bellamy called quietly.

“Yeah?” He answered just as quietly.

Bellamy swallowed, trying to think of better words to say, but none were coming to him right now. “... thank you.”

Kane gave a small smile and nodded. “You’re welcome, son.” He said. “Now get some rest.”

Bellamy didn’t need to be told twice. He looked around the room one last time, not willing to take the fact that all the people he loved were still alive for granted, then let his eyes close.

They’d get through this the same way they got through everything else.

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys hate it? Love it? It was super intense to write but a lot of fun. Some of you saw it coming, because you’re such good guessers or because I’m super predictable. Lol. Do you guys want to see one more chapter to follow this one up, or should I just jump to the epilogue?


	54. ~ After the Storm ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, one more chapter after this one. An epilogue wildly inspired by the user Valerion. I hope you guys will love it because it really feels like the perfect way to end the story.
> 
> The song for this chapter is After the Storm by Mumford and Sons

Clarke was the first one to wake up the next morning. She slowly became aware of her surroundings, her hearing the first thing to kick in. She could hear soft breaths and snores around her and the dying fire crackling. She knew she wasn’t in bed, but she knew wherever she was was safe. She felt Bellamy behind her and his arm wrapped tightly around her waist, his hand in hers and she could sense Madi in front of her, already starting to wiggle. She smelt the smoke from the fire and she could faintly smell Raven’s perfume. And there was a heavy weight on her legs that was undoubtedly River.

She finally talked her eyes into blinking open and looked around her. That’s when last night came rushing back to her.

Her nightmare was over.

Looking around, she saw Octavia curled into Raven, both of them still sleeping soundly and Murphy still asleep at Raven’s back, like he was there to protect them.

Octavia had been held hostage by her psychopath of a father. Raven had been inside, keeping Madi safe, probably terrified as hell. Murphy had tried to play peace keeper, but Clarke knew he was blocking her fathers way into the house. He was protecting Madi and Raven as best as he could. Then there was Bellamy... he’d had to kill another person. She knew he wouldn’t regret it. He did it to save them and to _keep_ them safe. But he wouldn’t have had to if she hadn’t brought him into this mess in the first place. 

Then Kane had to spend his night out in the rain, cleaning up the mess they’d made. How would they explain this if the cops starting asking questions? Surely her fathers disappearance would lead back to her somehow? She hoped not, but she also knew Kane and Bellamy would have already thought about it and have it handled. 

Then there was her mother... had she really wanted redemption? Had she found it in the end? She supposed it didn’t really matter anymore. Her mother had paid for her sins in one way or another. It was an image she couldn’t get out of her head though. The bullet going straight through her head. She swallowed and pushed the memory away as best as she could.

She tried to focus on the fact that it was over. She felt some weird, _sick?_ satisfaction at watching her father hit his knees, watching the life leave him. To watch him be taken down by the man who had fought to protect her for so long. Bellamy was and always would be her hero.

Madi let out a soft noise and it drew her away from her thoughts. 

Clarke smiled softly at her and held her finger to Madi’s hand. Madi gripped it immediately and Clarke felt herself relax a little.

Her daughter was safe.

Bellamy’s hand moved from hers as he shifted and he ran it down her side as he woke up. He didn’t say anything, but he kissed her cheek and she let out a soft sigh.

“He’ll never get to hurt her.” Clarke whispered.

“No, he won’t.” Bellamy agreed, voice husky from sleep. “And he won’t ever get to hurt you again.”

Clarke swallowed. He almost did hurt her though. All thoughts of herself flew out the window last night when he’d heard Madi cry. She would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat if it meant keeping Madi away from him.

“I was so scared that he’d hurt her.” Clarke’s voice shook. “All I could think of was him doing the same thing to her as he did to me... I couldn’t bare it.”

Bellamy’s heart constricted. He didn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if Clarke would’ve gone with him. If he didn’t make it back home in time to stop it. He closed his eyes and kissed her head, willing his anxiety to go away. “I fucked up.” He whispered.

She turned her body towards him so she could see his face, a look of disbelief on her face.

“I left you.” He said with glassy eyes. “You begged me not to go and I was so blinded that I didn’t listen.” He shook his head. “I promised you I’d never leave you alone again and I broke that.”

Clarke laid a hand on his face and kissed him softly. “Bell, it’s not your fault.”

He brought his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. “I almost lost you.” He whispered. She was going to give herself up and even the thought hurt him. “And that _is _my fault... you were going to go with him and I-“ his voice broke. “That’s my fault.” He repeated sadly. “And I’m so sorry.”

She pulled back and kissed his forehead. “I don’t blame you.” She said softly. “Because of you, we don’t ever have to worry about him again... you saved us.”

He swallowed and tried to listen to her words. He wound a hand into her hair and took a deep breath. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She whispered back.

Madi made another soft noise and Bellamy kissed Clarke once more, sitting up. “You hungry, princess?” He asked.

River’s head popped up quickly at that and Clarke let herself smile a little. “Someone definitely is.” She said.

“Let’s go then.” Bellamy nodded at River and he picked up Madi heading to the kitchen.

It felt strange, continuing on like people hadn’t died last night. Like he hadn’t murdered someone. What else could they do though? They had to keep going. Just like always.

Bellamy had a family to take care of and it couldn’t be put on pause. There was still a lot more to deal with. He just hoped that Clarke would be okay in the aftermath. That Octavia would.

Clarke followed him to the kitchen and helped make Madi’s bottle, then started a pot of coffee for him. She stayed close to him, brushing against his body when he moved. She needed him close and he needed the same. He put Madi in her high chair and turned, taking Clarke in his arms.

“What happened last night?” Bellamy couldn’t stop himself from asking. “After we left.” He clarified. “Why’d you go outside?” There was no anger in his voice, he simply wanted to understand.

Clarke bit her lip, recalling what they did. “I was...” she closed her eyes and shook her head. Bellamy wasn’t going to like hearing this. “I was going to leave and go to the motel... I was afraid that he would hurt you guys, so I was going to give myself up.” She spoke slowly.

“Clarke...” he whispered.

“Octavia was trying to talk me out of it when we heard a noise outside. She ran out and I tried to stop her, but as soon as we walked out... we heard a gunshot and the guard went down. When I looked up, he had the gun pointed at Octavia.” Clarke shook her head and again and sniffed. “I tried to talk him down.” Her voice cracked. “Thats when he heard Madi and I- I couldn’t let him hurt her, so I told him I’d do whatever he wanted, but he’d have to kill me to get inside the house.”

Fuck, hearing that made his heart ache. Even if she hadn’t had to go with him, she was ready to. He never would’ve recovered from that. From being the reason she had to give up.

“Bell.” She said softly, putting her hand on his cheek. “He would’ve gotten to me one way or another. This isn’t your fault.”

It was like she could read his mind. And maybe she could. She’d always been good at knowing how he felt. And even if sometimes he wasn’t sure himself, she always knew what he needed.

“It didn’t happen the way we planned it, but he’s gone. And we’re all alive.” She said.

He swallowed. She was right. He needed to get past his mistakes and focus on what was in front of him now. Focus on never breaking another promise to her again. Focus on making sure his family was safe and happy, that they were okay after last night.

He kissed her again. He couldn’t seem to do that enough. It was a way of telling his mind that the person he loved and needed most was still here with him.

“No more apologizing, okay?” She asked him. “We’re gonna have to deal with a lot more when they wake up.”

She was referring to Raven and Octavia, and she was right.

“Okay.” He gave her a small smile.

Clarke was doing remarkably well. She was a little shaken up, sure, and she was upset. But she was living. She’d never have to worry about her father hurting her or anyone she loved ever again.

That was something that she had started to think wasn’t going to be possible. She thought that she’d have to live her life looking over her shoulder.

They heard someone start to shift in the living room and looked up to see Kane walking in the kitchen.

“I smell coffee.” He said, still sounding tired.

Clarke grinned and poured him a cup, sliding it across the counter to him.

“Thanks, dear.” He took it gratefully.

She poured Bellamy one too and he turned on the kettle to make her hot chocolate. It had stopped raining, but the air had a cold chill to it. Winter was well on its way.

“How are you feeling?” Kane asked Clarke with a concerned tone.

She smiled and shrugged a little. “I’m feeling like I finally don’t have to worry about him hurting us.”

He gave a small smile back and nodded.

“Thank you, for everything.” She told him.

Bellamy smiled softly listening to them. Kane cared about them and he couldn’t hide it.

“I’m just glad you’re all okay.” Kane answered.

Clarke smiled and turned her head, her eyes catching movement.

“Do I smell coffee?” Murphy mumbled, shuffling into the kitchen.

“Good thing I made a full pot.” Clarke said pulling out another mug from the cabinet.

Murphy took it eagerly and sat down at the island next to Kane.

“You feel okay?” Murphy asked Clarke after he’d had a few sips of coffee.

“Yeah, I’m good.” She assured. “I’m just glad everything’s over.”

Murphy nodded. He was glad about that too. There had been too much to worry about before and he felt better now that everyone was safe from Jake.

Eventually Octavia and Raven woke up and made their way to the kitchen, though both of them were quiet. Raven walked up to Clarke and just pulled her into a hug, closing her eyes and squeezing her tightly.

Clarke pushed back her tears and hugged her back just as tightly. “We’re all okay.” Clarke assured softly.

Raven pulled back and looked at her, tears falling silently, but she nodded. “I know... I love you.” She said tearfully.

“I love you too, Rae.” Clarke pulled her in for another hug and smiled softly when she pulled back.

Octavia was more hesitant. She’d been at the front of it all, right with Clarke. Clarke knew that it wasn’t easy. Octavia was never one for violence. It’s why she never liked the fights. But now she was dating someone who was- or had been until last night, king of the fights? Clarke hadn’t had time to wrap her head around that one yet and she was sure Bellamy hadn’t either.

Clarke moved forward and put a hand gently on Octavia’s arm. “Are you okay?”

“Honestly?” Octavia looked at her sadly, her voice shaking. “I can’t get everything that happened out of my head.”

“It’ll take some time.” Bellamy’s voice was soft, no hint of anger in it, which Octavia had expected with the whole Lincoln thing.

Clarke knew he wouldn’t be angry with her though. Now in the grand scheme of things, her being with Lincoln was small. All Bellamy would care about was that they were all alive. Of course he’d talk with Octavia about Lincoln still and what she was doing and how she ended up knowing someone like him in the first place but, right now that was all unimportant.

“Did everything get... cleaned up?” Raven asked hesitantly.

“It’s all taken care of.” Kane stood up, refilling his coffee cup. “None if you need to worry about that.”

Octavia was worried though. “What do we do if the cops come and ask questions?”

“They probably won’t.” Bellamy spoke. “They’ve been looking for Jake this long and they haven’t so much as glanced in our direction. They’ll most likely think wherever he is, Abby followed.”

That made sense and he was right, the cops hadn’t been at all concerned about keeping them informed, let alone asking them questions. Clarke doubted they were even looking for him at all.

“No one but my moms work would report her missing anyway...” Clarke shrugged a little. “We didn’t exactly have a big family and she had no friends, so... we should be okay.”

Bellamy looked at her a little sadly and she could tell he wanted to hold her. She gave him a soft reassuring smile. She was okay.

“I think I’m gonna get a little air.” Octavia wrapped a blanket around herself and went out the back door.

The rain had stopped, but the air was cold and the ground was still wet, even with the sun starting to shine through what was left of the clouds.

Clarke watched her go and could tell Bellamy wanted to follow her and talk to her, but she also knew he wouldn’t. He wasn’t ready yet.

“I’m gonna go sit with her.” Clarke said, brushing a hand across Bellamy’s arm.

“You sure?” Bellamy grabbed her arm softly, stopping her.

“Yeah.” She smiled. “I think she’s taking the violence a little harder than us.” She shrugged.

Bellamy made a face, but nodded, letting her go.

When Clarke went outside, Octavia was already curled up on the bench.

“Mind if I join you?” Clarke asked.

Without a word, Octavia pulled the blanket up so Clarke could slide under. They both looked out over the trees instead of at each other. The grass looked like it was glowing in some spots where the sun glimmered off the water droplets. It was nice, peaceful. Which made it crazy to think about what it looked like last night.

“You were gonna go with him.” Octavia said hoarsely after a few moments of silence.

Clarke nodded. It wasn’t like she could deny it to make Octavia feel better. She’d been there and seen the whole thing. Heard it. Clarke could maybe have convinced Raven that it wasn’t true, but Octavia heard her.

“I couldn’t let him hurt you.” Clarke shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

Octavia’s anger seemed to flare and she quickly turned to Clarke. Clarke was startled by the sudden movement and turned to look at her.

“He was going to hurt _you_, Clarke.” Octavia’s eyes were wild and full of fear from what could’ve happened. “He would’ve taken you and hurt you and eventually he would’ve killed you.”

Clarke bit her lip and shrugged weakly. “It would’ve been better than him hurting you and taking Madi. And putting Raven at risk. He could’ve hurt everyone I care about.” Her voice cracked.

“I hate him for doing this to you.” Octavia’s voice was shaky and her eyes filled with tears. “I hate that the only option he left for you was to go with him. I hate that you would’ve given yourself up for us and I hate that I had to watch two people die and I hate that I thought I was going to have to watch you-” she broke off in a sob and Clarke pulled her into her chest and Octavia clung onto her. 

“I’m sorry, O.” Clarke whispered, but Octavia shook her head fiercely.

“Please, don’t.” Octavia begged, her voice muffled by tears and Clarke’s shirt. “Don’t apologize.”

Octavia didn’t want to hear her apologize for being willing to sacrifice herself for them. Or apologize for the fact that her father was a psychopath. Clarke had already sacrificed so much and been through so much in her life. There was not a single part of this that Clarke had to be sorry for. She needed to know that.

So Octavia sniffed and pulled back, wiping her tears and taking a deep breath. “Listen to me, Clarke.” She said as steadily as she could. “I know you think that this is on you-“

“It is, Octavia.” Clarke cut her off. “If I wouldn’t have agreed to stay with you... if I hadn’t fallen in love with Bellamy and dragged you guys into this-”

“Then you’d be dead.” Octavia cut her off this time. “You’d be dead and Bellamy would hate himself and he might not’ve made it after our mom died. Raven wouldn’t have met Murphy and they wouldn’t be in love. Madi would still be with her biological father and she’d have had to grow up just like you... Clarke,” She grabbed her hands and shook her head. “_You_ are the reason for so many good things in our lives. And we all love you. The fact that you think we could’ve just let you go with him...” Octavia shook her head. She couldn’t find words. “Bellamy changed with you, Clarke.”

Clarke listened quietly still, not interrupting this time.

“You brought something different to him and... I don’t know where he’d be without you. Or who he’d be. But... he wasn’t who he was supposed to be before. You came into our lives for a reason... just like we came into yours. Don’t make it into something bad just because something bad happened. We’re all where we’re supposed to be.” Octavia ended.

Clarke wiped a single tear away and took a deep breath, nodding. She sniffed and let herself smile at Octavia’s words. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Octavia echoed, hugging her. 

When Clarke pulled back, Octavia let her head rest on her shoulder.

“So Lincoln, huh?” Clarke asked, the air around them feeling lighter.

Octavia winced. “Do you think Bell's gonna hate me for it?”

Clarke sighed and raised her eyebrows. “I think you’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Yeah...” Octavia sighed. 

“But he’s not gonna hate you.” Clarke assured.

“He’s not a bad guy.” Octavia told her. “Just because he’s in the fights.”

“You’re talking to someone who’s engaged to one of those fighters, O.” Clarke let out a small laugh. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“Bellamy’s not gonna see it that way.” Octavia said. “He doesn’t think of himself like he should. He’s gonna say he’s dangerous and violent and blah, blah, blah.”

“But you know he’s not?” Clarke asked. Because Clarke didn’t know every fighter and how they were. She just knew Bellamy.

“He’s...” Octavia smiled thinking about him. “He’s everything that I could want, Clarke. And he really was trying to help me with the drinking. I guess he just didn’t really know how and I resented him for it for a little while... I wasn’t fair to him. But he did everything he could... and he’s sweet and, I don’t know he isn’t what you’d expect from a fighter like him. He cares about people.”

Clarke had a feeling that, _yeah_, there were some fighters out there just for the violence. Fighters that wanted nothing but anger and control. But she also knew that there were fighters like Bellamy and from what Octavia was saying, like Lincoln too.

“Just talk to him, O.” Clarke said softly. “He may not be ready yet, but he will be.”

Octavia just nodded. “I think you’ll really like him.”

“I’m sure I will.” Clarke smiled. “And eventually, I’m sure Bellamy will too.” Then her smile grew. “Probably will help that he knows he can kick his ass.”

Octavia snorted a laugh and buried her face further into Clarke. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how that one was gonna go.”

“He put up a good fight.” Clarke said. “Just not good enough.” She gave her a little shove.

Octavia laughed, but both sobered up after a moment. “I’m glad you’re okay.” Octavia whispered. “And that you didn’t go with him.”

“Me too.” Clarke whispered back.

And she _was_ glad. It still felt unreal that he was gone.

Being here though, with everyone finally safe, it was starting to sink in. She smiled to herself and let her head rest on Octavia’s.

Everything happened exactly how it was supposed to.

•

Kane didn’t leave after the morning. He seemed to want to be there for any kind of support he could, constantly walking around and seeing what he could help with. He’d taken with Madi too, currently on the couch with her on his lap, making faces at her as she laughed hysterically in a way only babies could. Everyone else couldn’t help but smile at the sound.

Bellamy sat with his arm around Clarke, watching Kane and Madi fondly.

“Maybe she has a grandpa after all.” Clarke said so only Bellamy could hear and his smile grew.

“I guess so.” He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her shoulder.

“Hey guys?” Octavia walked up to them, wringing her hands nervously. “I’m, uh... gonna go see Lincoln for a little while.”

Clarke felt Bellamy tense and nudged him a little. His jaw was still tense though. “Where are you going?”

“Just to his place. I’ll probably, like stay for dinner or whatever. I...” she trailed off, clearly nervous about talking about Lincoln. “Everything yesterday was a lot and I... I just need to see him, Bell.” She said, sounding defeated. “Please, just let me go and I’ll bring him over for dinner soon. I promise he’s a really good guy.”

_She needed him, huh?_ He thought. Well how was he supposed to say no to that. If it was Clarke and she needed him... he sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

Octavia’s eyes lit up and she looked surprised. “Thank you, Bell. I’ll be home before 11.”

“You can just stay there tonight.” He offered, trying to relax some. “If you want.”

She blinked at that and Clarke raised her own eyebrows. 

“Seriously?” Octavia asked.

“Yeah.” He said gruffly. “Now go before I change my mind.”

Octavia smiled and ran upstairs quickly to get ready.

Clarke looked up at him surprised. “That was... unexpected of you.”

He shrugged. “If someone tried to keep you from me after something like that happening, I’d do whatever I could to get to you.”

He was trying to see it from the other side. Trying not to judge or assume, no matter how much he wanted to.

Clarke gave him a small smile. “You’d burn down cities to get to me.”

“Damn right I would.” He confirmed.

“Bell?” She asked softly.

He looked at her in question. She had a soft gleam in her eye and she was smiling.

“Let’s get married.” She said.

“I thought that was already in the plans.” He chuckled.

“No, I mean let’s do it now.” She said sitting up straighter.

“You’re being serious?” He asked.

“I don’t wanna waste anymore time, Bell.” She smiled. “Nothing’s stopping us and I wanna be your wife.”

His mouth curled up in a smile. “Kane?” He caught the older mans attention. “You still ordained?”

“Oh my god.” Raven said mostly to herself and Murphy just smirked.

“I am, as a matter of fact.” Kane grinned back at him.

“Hey, O?” He called up the stairs.

“Yeah?” She yelled back and her head appeared at the top of the stairs.

“How about you invite Lincoln over here instead?” He looked at Clarke, a huge smile on his face. “We’ve got a wedding to have tonight.”

Octavia’s mouth dropped open. “Tonight?”

He just nodded, the smile not falling from his face.

Octavia’s smile grew and she came down the stairs, grabbing Clarke by the arm. “Raven, we’ve gotta move quick!” Octavia said, already pulling Clarke upstairs. “Let’s go!”

Clarke smiled, letting herself be pulled and blew a kiss to Bellamy as she was ushered up the stairs by the two of them.

Bellamy just laughed and shook his head.

“That’s the happiest I’ve seen them in a long time.” Murphy smirked.

“I knew it’d pick Octavia’s spirits up.” Bellamy said.

“You really extending the olive branch there with Lincoln, huh?” Murphy sounded surprised.

But Bellamy just shrugged. “I can’t stop her right? And I already know I can kick his ass.”

Kane smiled and Murphy smirked again, rolling his eyes.

“Well then, little princess.” Kane said, holding Madi up. “It looks like we need to find you a dress.”

•

The next hours flew by. The guys had went out and found Madi a dress and even a collar with a bow tie on it for River. Octavia tried to give them a list of things to be done to the yard, but Bellamy quickly pushed it away. “I’ve got this.” He said confidently. “Don’t worry about anything down here.”

She looked unsure, but didn’t argue with him. Lincoln came and Octavia held him for a long moment before essentially throwing him to the wolves and going back upstairs to help Clarke.

Lincoln shifted, obviously uncomfortable being left in a room full of men that he felt would hate him.

“You know how to use a table saw?” Bellamy asked.

Lincoln furrowed his brow, but nodded. “I do.”

Bellamy nodded back, letting an easy smile come to his face. “Alright then.” He said. “We’ve got some work to do.”

•

It really ended up being the perfect evening for a wedding. The day had warmed up a bit and the clouds had disappeared. The leaves had all started to change, showing their colors proudly, so the yard was beautiful.

Octavia peaked out the window from upstairs and smiled. The guys were setting everything up and Bellamy was right. He had this. It was going to be beautiful.

Clarke had on a simple, short white dress with a navy belt around her waist and her hair was in loose waves, cascading down her back with a single flower pinned in it. She smiled at herself in the mirror.

“You’re beautiful.” Raven smiled, brushing her fingers through a lock of Clarke’s hair.

“You guys are amazing.” Clarke responded, already feeling emotional.

“So are you.” Octavia said smiling. “Seriously... I love you guys. You’re my family.”

Raven teared up at her words and pulled them both close. “You’re ours too.”

Raven sniffed and pulled back. “Okay, okay, guys. Stop. We can’t ruin our makeup.” She said waving her hands at her face.

Clarke and Octavia laughed and they all looked at each other softly.

“I’m really happy you guys get to do this with me.” Clarke said.

“Just wait till you see what it looks like down there.” Octavia smiled.

They heard the guys come upstairs to get showered and change into their clothes.

“I’m gonna grab Madi so they can get ready.” Raven slipped out of the room to grab her but came back with no Madi.

Clarke looked at her in question.

“I’ve been made well aware that they have it under control. Including Madi.”

Clarke laughed. “Okay then. I guess we’ll let them do their thing then.”

•

Bellamy surprised himself. He actually liked Lincoln. And he liked him quickly. He almost didn’t want to, but he fit with them so easily as they all worked that it was hard not to. 

Turns out he’d found Octavia at a bar one night, out of her mind drunk and alone. He’d caught some guy trying to slip something into her drink and he’d stepped in, playing the boyfriend there to save the day and took her to his place until she sobered up.

He’d been trying to take care of her ever since. Octavia hadn’t needed just him though. She needed her whole family because that’s who she’d felt like she had let down.

Lincoln was genuine in his care for her though, he could tell. He meant well and the way he talked about Octavia... he loved her. It was hard to hate someone that just wanted the same thing he did... to keep his sister safe.

Bellamy was snapped out of his thoughts by Murphy’s voice. “You ready?” He asked.

Bellamy smiled. “I’ve been ready for this for a long time.”

In truth, Bellamy would’ve married her the minute he first kissed her. She wasn’t ready then though. She had to learn to love herself first. It was crazy to think about where they’d been and where they were now.

“Well let’s go then.” Kane nodded towards the door.

“I’m gonna take Madi to the girls now.” Murphy scooped her up and headed towards their room.

Murphy knocked before slipping in the room, Madi perched on his hip, babbling happily.

“Holy shit.” Murphy breathed. “You guys look...”

“Amazing?” Octavia offered.

“Stunning?” Raven followed up.

“Drop dead gorgeous?” Octavia continued.

Murphy laughed a little, shaking his head. “You guys look beautiful.” He said seriously.

“Thanks.” Clarke smiled and Raven took Madi from Murphy.

“You ready?” Murphy asked her the same question he’d asked Bellamy.

“More than ready.” She said steadily.

“Good.” Murphy smiled. “I’ll see you guys down there.”

“Hey, wait. Murphy?” Clarke called out, stopping him.

He turned around and saw her chew the inside of her lip like she was nervous, but he knew she’d never be nervous to marry Bellamy.

“Do you, um...” She trailed off like she was second guessing herself. “Would it be weird if you walked me down the aisle?”

He blinked, surprised by that question, but recovered quickly. “It wouldn’t be weird at all.” He smiled. “It’d be my honor.”

Raven brushed a stray tear away as she watched them and Octavia laid her head on Raven’s shoulder.

Clarke swallowed down her emotions and Murphy found himself having to do the same. “Okay.” He said, clearing his throat. “I’m gonna go let them know and I’ll be right back.”

Murphy tried to shake his head clear, blinking back any sign of emotions as he went downstairs.

“All set?” Bellamy asked.

“She, um...” Murphy couldn’t help but smile. “She asked me to walk her down the aisle.”

Bellamy looked at up towards the stairs like he could see Clarke and gave a soft smile. “I can’t think of anyone better.” He looked to Murphy. “I’ll see you out there then.”

Murphy smirked and headed back upstairs.

“Alright, ladies.” He said holding out his hand to Clarke. “Let’s get this wedding started.”

•

The yard was breathtaking. Bellamy and Lincoln had built an archway, which they were now standing under, lined with blue flowers and greenery. There were string lights everywhere, hanging from the trees and they had a makeshift aisle lined with flower petals. The sun was starting to set, leaving a warm glow over them and the leaves were changing with the colder weather, colors vibrant in the orange light.

It was beautiful. Bellamy stood under the archway with Lincoln, and River sat patiently at their sides, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth happily.

Raven walked down the aisle, smiling brightly in her navy dress and Bellamy felt happiness bubble up in his chest. Then Octavia followed, carrying Madi in her arms, both of them looking beautiful.

Bellamy’s heart sped up then. He wasn’t nervous, he didn’t think. He was excited. Excited to see her, to kiss her, _marry her_. 

Clarke and Murphy stood behind the backdoor, waiting to go out and Murphy could tell she was restless.

He smiled down at her and wrapped her hand around his arm. “You deserve this, you know.” He said. “Both of you.”

She smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Murphy. Neither of us would be where we’re at without you.”

“Ah, I don’t know about that.” He tried to shrug it off. “You’re the strongest people I know.”

Clarke shook her head though. “But we needed you... and you were there every step of the way.”

He smirked a little. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He squeezed her hand once and looked forward, opening the door. “Ready?”

She smiled and fell into stride with him. “Ready.”

Bellamy nodded at Lincoln and Lincoln hit play on the iPod he had in his hand, which they’d connected to speakers across the yard.

_‘And after the storm,  
I run and run as the rains come  
And I look up, I look up,  
On my knees and out of luck,  
I look up._

_Night has always pushed up day  
You must know life to see decay  
But I won't rot, I won't rot  
Not this mind and not this heart,  
I won't rot.’_

Bellamy stopped breathing when he saw her. No matter how many times he saw her, he’d always be amazed by her.

She smiled at him and he remembered to breathe. He felt a tear run down his cheek and he brushed it away. He couldn’t hold back his emotions though and he didn’t want to. When they reached the archway, Murphy smiled at him and gently took Clarke’s hand from his arm, guiding it towards Bellamy. Lincoln stepped to the side to make room for Murphy and he took his place by Bellamy’s side. When Bellamy took her hands in his, he could feel them shaking, so he gave them a tight squeeze.

_‘And I took you by the hand  
And we stood tall  
And remembered our own land  
What we lived for’_

Bellamy ran one of his hands across her cheek and rested it at the base of her neck. “I love you.” He said softly.

“Wait for the vows, son.” Kane teased lightly and Bellamy let out a nervous chuckle. “Would you like to say your own?” Kane asked Clarke and she nodded, wiping her eyes hastily.

Kane nodded at her to go ahead and she took a deep shaky breath.

“Two years ago if you would’ve asked me where I’d be today, I’d probably have told you I’d be dead.” She said carefully. His hands tightened around hers and she gave him a soft smile. “But what I didn’t know was that you, Bellamy Blake, would do everything in your power to keep me breathing. That you’d show me how to love myself and make me see that life is worth living. That I didn’t have to be afraid and even if I was, you were there... that you’d always be there.”

“And that’s what I promise you now.” She smiled. “That I’ll always be there even when it’s scary and I’ll do everything I can to keep _you _breathing. You brought me back to life in every way possible and I love you more than anything.”

_‘But there will come a time  
You'll see, with no more tears  
And love will not break your heart  
But dismiss your fears’_

Bellamy had to sniff and clear his throat before speaking. He also had to stop himself from kissing her, because right now that was _all_ he wanted to do. “You always say that I saved you.” Bellamy started. “And maybe I did but... if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be the person that I am now if I didn’t have you. Not even close. You saved me too, princess. And every time I look at you, I feel like the luckiest man on earth. I’ll do everything I can to protect you until the day I die. And I promise to keep making you smile every single day and do everything I can to make you happy.” He brushed her hair back and smiled at her like she was the only person in the universe. “We fought like hell to get here and I’ll fight like hell to keep us here. Because you and that little girl over there,” he smiled at Madi before looking back to her, his eyes softer than she could ever remember seeing. “You’re my world... and I’ll love you forever. I promise you that.”

_  
‘Get over your hill and see  
What you find there  
With grace in your heart  
And flowers in your hair’_

Kane smirked and cleared his throat and Murphy could swear he almost looked teary eyed himself. Raven and Octavia definitely were, swiping underneath their eyes.

_‘And now I cling to what I knew  
I saw exactly what was true  
But oh no more  
That's why I hold  
That's why I hold with all I have  
That's why I hold’_

“Well then,” Kane smiled. “Do you Clarke, take this man to be your husband?”

She smiled at him gratefully, not letting it go unnoticed that he didn’t use her last name, then back at Bellamy. “I do.”

“And do you Bellamy Blake, take this woman to be your wife?”

“I do.” He beamed down at her.

“You may now kiss your bride.” Kane grinned.

Bellamy didn’t waste anymore time, grabbing her by the waist and kissing her. He dipped her down in typical dramatic wedding fashion and he could feel her smile even through their kiss. He heard their friends, _no_, their _family_, cheering around them and he’d never felt happier than he did in this moment.

_‘There will come a time  
You'll see, with no more tears  
And love will not break your heart  
But dismiss your fears  
Get over your hill and see  
What you find there  
With grace in your heart  
And flowers in your hair’_

When he pulled back, he rested his head on hers and she put her hand on his cheek, still smiling. “I love you.” She whispered.

He gave her another quick kiss. “I love you too.”

Then it was time to hug everyone else. Murphy came straight up to him and gave him the most heartfelt hug the two of them had ever shared.

“I’m happy for you, man.” Murphy clapped his back and pulled back to look at him.

“You played a big part in this.” Bellamy told him. “Thank you.”

Murphy smirked but rolled his eyes. “I’m just a pawn in your play.” He said pushing him lightly. “You guys did all the real work.”

Raven had Clarke wrapped in a tight hug, tears falling down her face. “I love you guys.” She said.

There was a lot of emotions and things she could say, but they both knew them all. The simplest words were enough now. “I love you guys too.” Clarke said into her hair.

Raven pulled back and looked at Octavia, who was still holding Madi and pulled them into their hug too.

Bellamy stood back, smiling as he watched them. All the girls he loved happy, safe and together. He couldn’t ask for more. Lincoln came to stand next to him and Bellamy held out his hand. “Thank you for your help today.”

Lincoln took his hand, shaking it with a smile. “You’ve all been through a lot.” He said. “It’s amazing what you’ve overcome.”

Bellamy smiled, almost to himself. “Together.”

Lincoln seemed to understand though and nodded. “I’m starting to see that.” He said. “You use each other to get through the hard times. To help each other... that’s what Octavia needed.”

Bellamy looked up to see Octavia looking at Lincoln, softer than she’d ever looked at anyone else.

“She needs you too.” Bellamy said softly. “Sometimes we all need a little extra help. All of us fall at some point... it’s about the people there to help us back up.”

Lincoln smiled, grateful for Bellamy’s words and by that time Octavia was walking towards them.

She walked up looking timid, but Bellamy just smiled. “If you two will excuse me,” he started. “I’m gonna go dance with my wife and daughter.” He stopped in front of Octavia and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, O.”

Octavia smiled and held back her tears. “I love you too, big brother.”

He made his way to Clarke and pulled her to him, Madi in her arms and started to dance with them. Raven and Murphy were dancing to, Raven as close to Murphy as she could get, resting her cheek against his chest, with his arms wrapped tightly around her.

Octavia smiled up at Lincoln nervously. “Sorry I kind of threw you to the wolves.”

He just shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad. They’re good people.”

“They’re great people.” Octavia said softly. “They’re _my _people.” She bit her lip in thought. “Maybe one day they could be yours too?”

He smiled then. “I think I’d like that.”

Her face lit up with hope and he held out his hand. “Now let’s go join this party.”

The night was absolutely perfect. All of them dancing together and singing and laughing. They couldn’t imagine it any other way. 

Just before midnight, Madi was sound asleep on Kane’s shoulder as he swayed softly to the music. And Octavia was on the porch swing, head resting on Lincoln’s shoulder with her eyes closed. Raven and Murphy were laid out on the grass next to Bellamy and Clarke. Clarke and Raven were now wearing Bellamy and Murphy’s jackets as the temperature dropped and they were gazing up at the stars.

“You know, I’ve been thinking.” Bellamy started, looking over at Murphy. “I’ve got, like, a shit ton of land. You two should build a house on it.”

Murphy head popped up off the ground. “Are you being serious?”

“Dead serious.” Bellamy smirked. “Clarke and I have been talking about it and one day you’re going to want your own family but, we want you guys here.”

“That is, if you guys want to be here.” Clarke added.

“Of course we do!” Raven said excitedly. “You guys...” she teared up again, but Clarke shook her head.

“No, no.” She said moving to Raven and pulling her up so she was looking at her. “No more tears today. Okay?” She said wiping Raven’s cheeks.

“You guys are the best.” Raven sniffed.

“So are you.” Clarke smiled. “That’s why we need you in our lives.”

Murphy and Bellamy shared a quick hug and silent nod of understanding. They loved each other. They always would.

Kane walked over and whispered to them. “I’m going to put her in her crib.”

Clarke started to hop up. “Oh, it’s okay. I can take her-“

“No, no.” Kane cut her off quickly. “I want to, really. You kids enjoy yourselves.”

Bellamy felt warmth full his chest watching Kane take her inside. He knew if Kane knew Clarke and Madi before, it would’ve been unconditional to get her the papers they needed for her. Bellamy was glad he’d fought though. Their future was safe and secured because of it. And in the end, it had been the end of Clarke’s father. So he’d never regret it.

Bellamy started a fire and they gathered blankets, all sitting around it to warm up, laughing and telling stories. Octavia ended up passed out first, Raven not far behind her. Then Lincoln let his eyes fall closed and Bellamy didn’t stop him.

Murphy smirked. “You like the fighter.” He accused.

“Shut up.” Bellamy said gruffly. “Octavia likes him. I’m just being open minded.”

“Shh.” Clarke scolded from her place on Bellamy’s chest. “He could wake up and hear you guys.”

“Should we go relieve Kane from Madi duty?” Murphy changed the subject.

“Nah.” Bellamy shook his head. “I think he likes playing grandpa.”

“Madi needs that.” Clarke said. “She needs at least one good grandparent in her life.”

“Well it looks like she’s got it.” Murphy let out a content sigh and pushed himself further into the blankets and closer to Raven. Before Bellamy and Clarke knew it, he was fast asleep too.

Clarke smiled softly, looking at the people around her. “How did I get so lucky?” She whispered.

“Funny.” Bellamy started. “I was just about to ask myself the same thing.”

She rolled her eyes and pushed his chest playfully. “You deserve every bit of this and more.” She told him.

“So do you, princess.” He said honestly.

She smiled against his chest. She couldn’t stop smiling tonight. “I love you, Bellamy Blake.” She said looking up at him.

He grinned down at her and kissed her softly. “I love you too, Mrs. Blake.”

She kissed him again and they settled into the blankets. “Do you think we can stay like this forever?” She whispered.

His mind went back to Christmas. She’d drunkenly asked him that question then. Now she was completely sober. He smiled and looked around at everyone bundled together and sleeping peacefully, then thought of Kane and Madi in the house.

“Yeah.” He answered softly. “Yeah, I think we can.”

Clarke took comfort in his answer and let her eyes close, following everyone else to sleep. With one last look around at everyone, really taking in how much he loved these people and how thankful he was, he closed his own eyes and buried his face into Clarke’s hair, holding her tight against him.

This was his family and he couldn’t want anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I got emotional writing this chapter and listening to this song. I hope to god it’s not too cheesy lol. I just wanted to give them a beautiful, perfect ending and a way to celebrate what they’d been through. I also want to tell you guys how amazing you are. Seriously, thank you for all the support! I’m super excited about the last chapter and it’s already written so the wait won’t be long. 😘💙😘


	55. ~ Younger Days ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I can’t believe this is over. This chapter is probably the longest I’ve ever written and I could’ve made it into its own story haha. But I truly hope you guys love it and that I’ve wrapped this up nicely.
> 
> The song for this chapter is Younger Days by Mt. Joy

~ 16 years later ~

Madi came down the stairs to find her mom making a pot of coffee for her dad like she did every morning.

“Morning, love.” Clarke smiled.

“Morning.” Madi greeted. “Auntie O is coming to get me and Wyatt today. Don’t forget.”

“I know. She already texted me. She’ll be here in 5.” Clarke said handing her a bowl and sliding her the cereal box.

The front door opened and Kane walked in. “Morning, ladies.”

“You’re here bright and early.” Madi said hopping off her stool to hug him.

“Your dad and I have got some work to do on his old shed in the back today. And I heard the garden needs some attention. Figured we’d get an early start.” He said, kissing the top of her head.

“Your grandpa has always been an early riser.” Bellamy said walking downstairs.

“Yes, and your dad a night owl.” Kane told Madi with raised eyebrows.

Madi laughed and Bellamy walked into the kitchen, pulling Clarke to him.

“Morning, beautiful.” He said, brushing her hair back.

“Morning.” She said, leaning forward to kiss him. 

Madi thought about teasing them, but she just smiled instead, going back to her cereal.

When Bellamy pulled back, he kissed Clarke once more on her forehead. “Thank you for the coffee.”

Octavia walked in then, Lincoln trailing behind her. “Who’s ready for the amusement park?” She asked excitedly.

Madi smiled and got up to hug them both. “Let me just grab my phone and we can go.”

“After she finishes her breakfast.” Clarke corrected.

“After I finish my breakfast.” Madi repeated raising her eyebrows and turning around.

The backdoor busted open then. Wyatt, Murphy and Raven’s son, ran in, Raven and Murphy following behind him much slower.

“Auntie O!” He yelled and Octavia caught him easily, lifting him up.

“Good god, child.” She grunted. “I won’t be able to pick you up much longer.”

“Uncle Lincoln will.” Wyatt giggled.

“Oh hush.” She bopped his nose playfully. “I’m strong too.”

He was 7 and the spitting image of Raven but had Murphy’s trouble maker personality and already taken on sarcasm.

“I thought kids were supposed to wanna sleep in.” Murphy complained lightly.

“Not ours.” Raven said, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“I bet it’s just because you’re excited for the roller coasters, right?” Octavia asked Wyatt.

“Uh huh.” He nodded feverishly. “And can we get soda too? And ice cream?”

“No soda!” Raven pointed at him.

“Ugghhh.” He groaned dramatically, letting himself fall back into Octavia’s arms.

“Drama Queen like your dad, huh?” She laughed at him.

“Very funny.” Murphy shot her a glare.

“Oh, hey, Bell.” Octavia said. “My Mustang is making that weird noise again. Can you guys look at it?”

“Yeah. Just leave me the keys and you guys take mine.” He said easily. He moved to kiss Madi’s head. “Alright, grandpa and I’ve got some work to do. Have fun.”

“Love you.” Madi said.

“Love you.” He responded and then went to kiss Clarke again. “Love you.” He told her too.

“I love you too.” Clarke smiled. “I’ll be out to help you guys soon.”

“Well we should all be back in time for dinner.” Lincoln told Clarke and Raven.

“Oh yeah.” Octavia said. “We’ll just pick something up on the way home for everyone. Pizza?”

“Always down for pizza.” Murphy spoke with a mouth full of cereal.

“Pizza it is.” She said. “Alright kids! In your dad/uncle Bells truck. Let’s move!” She said excitedly.

•

Lincoln chased after Wyatt most of the day, while Octavia and Madi moved at a slower pace, following behind them.

“So how’s everything been?” Octavia asked her, sounding relaxed.

“Did mom and dad tell you to ask me that?” Madi raised her eyebrows.

“Wow.” Octavia responded. “An aunt can’t ask how her niece is doing on her own?”

Madi made a face. “Of course you can. I just know they’re worried about me right now.”

“Why?”

Madi made another face, like she didn’t want to answer.

“Come on.” Octavia nudged her a little as they walked through the crowds of people. “Tell me what’s up.”

“Well I broke up with my boyfriend.” She shrugged.

“Did he deserve it?” Octavia asked.

Madi shrugged again. “Everyone says he did. But I don’t know...”

“What’d he do?” Octavia already knew the answer, but she wanted to get Madi to tell her herself.

Madi was about to answer when Wyatt came running back up to them. “Madi! Auntie! We’re gonna get ice cream!” He told them happily.

“Alright.” Madi laughed at him, letting him drag her by the hand.

On the way home, Wyatt had passed out. All the running around and excitement had worn him out.

Madi though was just staring out the window in the backseat. Her phone went off and she tried not to sigh when she saw who it was. Chase, her ex-boyfriend.

‘Hey, I miss u.’

She rolled her eyes and put the phone down, but it went off again.

‘I don’t want u to b mad at me. Can we pls talk?’

She sighed and shook her head. She was fighting herself. She knew this guy was bad news, but she still found herself wanting to text him back.

Octavia noticed her little huffs and peaked back at her. “You good?”

“Yeah, just... boys.”

“The worst.” Lincoln said seriously.

That made Madi laugh a little, shaking her head.

“Is it the _ex_-boy?” Octavia asked.

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna answer though.” She said.

“Well he’s ex for a reason, right?” Octavia looked back at her again.

“He kinda kissed another girl.” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Kinda?” Lincoln raised his eyebrows.

“Okay, he did, but... I don’t know. It’s not really a big deal.” She tried.

“I know you’re not defending him right now.” Octavia said.

“I’m not.” She said. But realized she was. “I mean, not really. It’s just that the girl he kissed is really pretty or whatever and he said he was kinda drunk, so...”

“Oh. Well if she was really pretty, I totally understand.” Lincoln said sarcastically.

“I know it sounds silly.” Madi defended. “But I really like him and I wanted him to like me. She’s just prettier than I am.”

“Madi,” Octavia started. “Even if she is, that’s no excuse for him to do what he did.”

Madi just handed Octavia her phone, showing the girls Instagram. “Here. Look at her.”

Octavia scrolled through, making a few faces, then handed the phone back.

“Do you think she’s prettier than I am? Like, maybe that’s why he cheated?” Madi asked hesitantly.

“I think she _dresses_ sluttier than you do.” Octavia responded.

“Yeah, maybe that’s how _I_ should dress.” Madi mumbled.

“I’m gonna vote no for that one.” Lincoln said.

“You would.” Madi smiled a little.

“Madi, this guy doesn’t sound worth it.” Octavia said. “He clearly doesn’t see how amazing you are and that’s his loss.”

“He said he wants to talk.” Madi shrugged. “Maybe I should hear what he has to say.”

“You don’t need people like him in your life, kiddo.” Octavia shook her head. “Don’t let him manipulate you.”

She sighed and stared out the window. Her relationship with him was complicated. She just wanted him to be happy with her. To love her. It didn’t seem like he could though and he confused her. One minute he seemed happy and the next he was putting her down. She didn’t understand it.

“Have you talked to your mom about this?” Octavia asked.

“No... I don’t really think she’d understand.” Madi said. “She’s always had dad, you know?”

“She may have more insight than you think.” Octavia told her.

“Maybe...” Madi trailed off and her phone vibrated again.

‘There’s a party tomorrow nite. Really want u there.’

Her heartbeat sped up and she bit her lip. Did she want to go down this road again?

‘Where?’ She responded.

“At Allies. Pls come I wanna c u.’

‘I’ll think about it.’

She texted her friend Becca asking if she would go with her and then put her phone away as they pulled up to the house. 

“Hey, mom?” Madi called out, walking inside.

“In the kitchen!” Clarke yelled to her.

“Is dad home?” Madi asked.

“Yeah, he and Uncle Murphy are in the garage working on Auntie O’s car.” Clarke said.

“We brought pizza.” Octavia said, Lincoln walking in with Wyatt in his arms, still fast asleep.

“I’ll go grab everyone.” Clarke said. “You can just set it on the table.”

“Can I ask you guys something first?” Madi bounced a little on her feet.

Clarke looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “Okay. Let’s go.”

Madi followed Clarke into the garage to find her dad laying under the car and Murphy leaned against it.

“You look like you’re a big help.” Clarke said looking at Murphy.

Murphy rolled his eyes. “It’s not my fault he’s a control freak and won’t let me touch anything.”

Bellamy rolled out from underneath and pointed a wrench at Murphy. “You almost set us on fire.” He scolded. “Don’t act like I didn’t give you a chance.”

“Don’t act like _you_ didn’t know what handing me a blow torch could turn into.” Murphy countered.

Bellamy made a face and looked at Clarke. “Hey, princess.”

“Hey.” She grinned at him, grease smeared across his arms and forehead. “Madi has a question for us.”

“Let’s hear it.” Bellamy rolled back under the car.

“Okay,” Madi started, sounding nervous. “I know you guys aren’t crazy about big parties, but there’s a party at my friend Allie’s house for graduation tomorrow and I really, really wanna go.”

“Yeah, you can really, _really_ forget about it.” Bellamy said with a grunt, continuing to work.

“Dad, please!” She pulled his legs so he rolled out from under the car. In order for her puppy dog eyes to work on him, he had to see her.

He sighed and sat up. “The words ‘big party’ give me no inclination to let you go.” He said matter of factly.

“But I’ll be with Becca.” She said. Becca had been her best friend since kindergarten and the girl had a solid head on her shoulders. “We’ll be careful and I’ll be home by 11:00.”

Bellamy looked at Clarke, who was standing behind Madi.

If Clarke said yes, that was it. Madi knew that, so she wheeled around quickly. “Mom, please, _please_ tell him to let me go.”

“Hey!” Bellamy said offended. “She’s not in charge of me.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” Murphy snickered.

Clarke smirked and looked at Madi. “It’s up to your dad this time, ladybug.” She said.

Madi was overall a well rounded kid. Bellamy just knew how these parties could get. And he knew from his experiences and Clarke’s. But it wasn’t like he could hide Madi away from the world forever. He had to let her live and experience certain things on her own.

“Dad, I promise I’ll be safe. And you have the tracker on my phone and I know self defense and I’ll call you if anything happens and-“

“Okay, okay!” He cut her off. “But you’re home by 10.” He said. “No exceptions.”

“Yes!” She went to the ground to hug him and then got up, hugging Clarke. “Thanks mom. I’ve gotta go find something to wear!”

“Hey!” Bellamy called after her, offended. “I’m the one that said yes!”

“Auntie Raven!” She called running back into the house. “I need your help!”

Clarke smirked at Bellamy as he sat there shaking his head.

“That was the right call, right?” He asked her. 

“We can’t keep her from everything.” Clarke said. “She’s gotta learn to deal with things and it’s a graduation party. We should let her enjoy it.”

“She’s a smart kid.” Murphy defended her. “She’ll be fine.”

Bellamy still didn’t feel sure, but he’d told her yes and he wasn’t going to take it back.

•

That night, Bellamy had Clarke pulled into his chest, running his fingers up and down her back. Ever since he’d told Madi yes, he was stuck in a memory from 18 years ago. He didn’t think about the bad times very often anymore. There wasn’t much reason to.

When he did though, he felt like it had just happened yesterday. It could still make his anxiety rise and his heart rate speed up.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Clarke asked softly.

He let out a small sigh. “I’m thinking about 18 years ago... I’m thinking about that damn party.”

Clarke bit her lip. She’d had a feeling that was exactly what he was thinking about. “Madi isn’t me, Bell.” She tried to comfort. “She isn’t even close to being in the same position I was in.”

“But she _is_ you.” Bellamy responded. “She’s so much you that it’s crazy. She’s got every good thing about you.”

Clarke smiled at that. “But not every bad thing.” She defended Madi.

“There’s not a single bad thing about you, princess.” He said.

“Your mind going back to that party is telling you otherwise.” Clarke said.

He sighed again. “I just don’t want her to get hurt.”

“I know. Me either. But we have to trust her to do the right thing.” Clarke let her fingers run across his chest and kissed his cheek.

“I hated myself for letting you go that night.” He said, feeling pulled deep into the memory. “I don’t wanna feel that way again.”

Clarke nestled further into his chest. “You know that party wasn’t your fault.” She whispered. “And you saved me that night.”

“It felt like my fault.” He whispered back. It was crazy that something that had happened so long ago could still make him feel so strongly. He let out a breath and kissed the top of her head.

“We can tell her she can’t go, you know?” Clarke said.

“Yeah and then I’ll feel like the biggest asshole ever for changing my mind.” He said.

Clarke laughed a little. “Yeah, you would.”

“It’s like you said, we’ve just gotta trust her.” Bellamy agreed.

Clarke lifted her head and kissed him. “Get some sleep, Bell.”

He smiled at her and brushed his thumb on her cheek. “Goodnight, princess.”

•

The next morning, Bellamy warned Madi again to be careful and she promised she would, kissing him on the cheek before running out the door.

Murphy chuckled watching him. “Relax, man. It’s a party.”

“Easy for you to say. You won’t ever have to worry about this shit with Wyatt.” Bellamy said.

“Good point.”

And he was right. People with daughters tended to worry more and they had a right to. The world wasn’t as safe for women, as much as Bellamy hated it.

Bellamy walked over to Clarke and kissed her. “I promised Kane I’d help him with the tree that fell in his yard last weekend, so I’ll probably home a little late.”

“Just be careful.” She told him, kissing him again. “I love you.”

“I love you too, princess.”

•

Madi and Becca got to the party and Madi’s eyes scanned the crowd immediately.

“Are you looking for Chase?” Becca asked. “Please tell me that’s not why you wanted to come tonight.”

“Relax, I just wanna say hi to him.” Madi brushed her off.

“You just wanna say hi to the guy that treated you like shit?” Becca asked.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Madi said. “He just kissed her.”

“It was _so_ that bad. Plus, you can do way better.” Becca argued. “He talked to you like shit. Why do even wanna hang out with him?”

“Hey, Becca!” Some guy called her name and she waved, smiling.

“Well, go on!” Madi shooed her. “Go talk to him.”

“Fine, but _be careful_!” Becca shouted as she walked away.

“I will!” She yelled back.

But her eyes were already scanning the crowd again, looking for Chase. She wasn’t sure why she was looking for him. He had been a complete dick. But when her eyes landed on him, she smiled. “Chase!”

He turned to her and gave a slick grin, nodding his head for her to walk his way.

“Where you been?” He asked. “I thought you were gonna be here earlier.”

“I was just with Becca.” She shrugged.

“Of course you were.” He snipped.

She tried not to sigh at his response. “What’s that?” She asked as he was handed a bag from one of his friends.

“I got a serious hookup from some kids over in Azgeda.” He grinned, holding up the bag, which was filled with pills and handed it to her. “We’re about to have some fun.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh.” She said. “Um, didn’t you wanna talk?”

“Eh, later.” He shrugged her off.

_Seriously?_ She thought. There was something in her head telling her to leave, but her feet stayed where they were.

He continued to pass another bag around and as Madi looked around, she saw several more being passed around too. Everyone was taking them.

“What are they?” Madi asked.

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” He shrugged her off. “Just take one.”

“You’re not gonna, like, get someone killed are you?” Madi wasn’t sure about this at all.

“Oh, _what_?” Chase’s tone changed to annoyed, just like it always did. “You already pussying out?”

“I just don’t want anyone to-“

“Relax, will you?” He cut her off rudely. “Just fucking take one and help me pass it around or get lost.” He eyed her, leaning in and she could feel everyone else’s eyes staring too. “What’s it gonna be?” 

Her mom had always taught her to speak her mind. If she was ever uncomfortable, she was taught to say it, not suppress it in hopes of not causing a scene. She should be more firm with him, but she felt timid for some reason.

“I- I don’t-”

“Jesus.” Chase cut her off again. “Come with me.” He grabbed her wrist roughly and pulled her in the house, both of them disappearing.

Becca came to the group a couple of minutes later. “Hey, guys?” She looked around. “Have you seen Madi?”

“Yeah.” One guy laughed. “She took a bag of those pills Chase has been handing out and they both went inside.”

“What?!” Becca bolted in the house, pushing through the crowds of people. “Madi!” She didn’t see her anywhere. “Shit.”

She pulled out her phone and called Madi’s number. Nothing. “Oh my god, Madi. Don’t do this to me.” She tried again, but still went to voicemail.

She had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling that she couldn’t shake. “God, please don’t hate me.” She whispered to herself as she dialed Clarke’s number.

•

Clarke and Raven had gotten home late with Wyatt. He’d had karate practice and then they stopped to get dinner since Murphy had worked a little late and Bellamy was with Kane.

“Hello, ladies.” Murphy greeted and kissed Raven. “Good day?” He asked.

“Hmm, lets see.” Raven answered. “I think we heard Wyatt say the f word 11 times.” She eyed him with a raised eyebrow. “Wonder who’s fault that could be. Then he asked 3 grown women out and finally, we watched him tell an 80 year old man to ‘stop eyeing his mom and auntie’.”

Murphy nodded approvingly despite Raven’s obvious disapproval. “So it was a _great_ day then.” He smirked. “Did he get any yes’?”

“Oh my god.” Raven said hitting him.

“Hey!” He chuckled. “Watch the pecks, babe. You know I’m sensitive.”

Clarke laughed, shaking her head. “Is Bell home yet?” She asked.

“No, he’s still helping Kane. He should be home in about an hour.” Murphy said.

Clarke's phone started ringing and she pulled it out of her pocket.

“Hey, Becca.” Clarke answered. “Is everything okay?”

“She _what_?” She said after a second, her voice changing tones. “Stay where you are.”

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked.

Clarke hung up the phone and grabbed her keys. “I have to go get Madi.”

“Shit.” Murphy cursed. “Hang on, I’ll come with you.” He didn’t know what was wrong, but that tone of voice was never good. 

“Hey, hey! Slow down!” Murphy caught up with her as she ran out the door. “What happened?”

“Becca said she took off with Chase and she’s not answering her phone.” Clarke jumped in the truck and Murphy had barely gotten in before she took off. “She thinks something’s wrong.”

“What does this Chase kid have that makes him so damn special that she thinks he can treat her like shit?” Murphy asked as she drove.

“I have no fucking clue, but I am _not_ going to let her do this to herself.” Clarke shook her head.

Murphy swallowed and sat back in the seat. Madi was gonna be in serious shit.

•

Chase had pulled her into a room and threw her down on the bed. “What the hell are you even doing?” He asked angrily.

“What do you mean?” She asked confused. “You told me you wanted to talk, so I came.”

“You came fucking dressed like a slut!” He accused. “What are trying to do?”

“I’m dressed like everyone else!” She argued. “Isn’t that what you like? Because you seemed to like it when _Britney_ dressed this way.”

“Oh, is that what this is about? You’re just trying to make me jealous?” He snapped. “You think because I kissed some other bitch that you’re gonna walk around here like you’re hot shit?” He continued. “What makes you think anyone else would even want you?”

Madi blinked, trying not to feel deflated. “Are you high?” She realized as she asked that he probably was.

“Just shut up and take one of the pills.”

She still held the bag in her hand, her heart beating fast. If she took one, would he calm down? She shook her head.

“Chase, just let me out, okay?” She tried. “I wanna go home. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Oh, but the party’s just getting started.” The words were innocent enough but they sounded like a threat.

Madi shook her head again. “I’m leaving.” She said standing up, but he grabbed her roughy by her arm and yanked her back.

“Ow! Chase, let go!” She yelled. “What the fuck?”

“Madi!” She heard Becca yell.

“I’m in here!” Madi yelled, because she was scared now.

Chase surged forward and locked the door. “That little bitch isn’t gonna stop me from doing what I want to do.” He said threateningly. “No one is.”

Madi swallowed. All of her self defense training apparently flew out the window, because she felt frozen. This wasn’t good.

•

When they pulled up to the party, Murphy had some serious flashbacks. And not the good kind. Last time he’d done something like this was over 18 years ago and it’d been for Clarke then. That was a rough night. He hoped this time would be a little different.

Clarke walked straight through the door, clearly on a mission and Murphy could do nothing but sigh as he followed her.

Clarke spotted Becca quickly from the upstairs banister and ran up to her, making her way through the crowd.

“Chase, open the _fucking_ door!” Becca was banging on a closed door. “Madi?!”

“Hey,” Clarke put a hand on her shoulder. “Madi’s in there?”

“Get off of me!” Madi yelled from in the room and Murphy’s eyes went murderous.

“You two get out of the way.” He said.

Clarke pulled Becca to the side and Murphy kicked the door in, in one fluid motion.

“Hey, man! What the fuck?!” Chase yelled.

Clarke quickly came into the room to see Chase pinning Madi to the wall, clearly against her will. She saw red. She walked up to him, pushing his shoulder back hard so he was facing her and jerked her knee into his groin.

He went down hard and Clarke grabbed Madi, moving her out of the way as Murphy grabbed Chase by his collar, yanking him back up and laying into him. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Murphy asked, but didn’t let him answer, punching him square in the face.

“Are you okay?” Clarke put her hand on Madi’s cheek and she nodded, but Clarke could feel her shaking. She looked down to see bruises already forming on her arm.

She looked like she was in shock, but she quickly snapped out of it as Murphy continued to wail on Chase.

“Uncle Murphy!” She yelled and loved forward, but Clarke and Becca both held her back. “Stop! You’ll kill him!”

Clarke wasn’t feeling opposed to that idea, but Murphy didn’t need to be in jail for murder. Especially murdering what was still technically a child.

“Murphy, let him go.” Clarke said. “We’ve gotta get out of here.”

There were kids starting to gather, hearing the commotion.

Murphy slammed him against the wall. “If you ever touch her or anyone else like that against their will ever again, I swear to god I’ll find you and next time I won’t stop.” He let him go and he crumpled to the ground.

He turned to look at Madi and immediately saw the bruises that were already forming. His anger boiled and he wanted nothing more than to end this fuckers life. That wasn’t an option though.

“Are you hurt?” He asked her and she shook her head. Then his eyes went to her hand.

“What is that?” He asked pointedly.

She tried to hide the bag in her hand, but the bag was too large and her hand too small.

Murphy reached forward and snatched it out of her hand, looking at the contents. “Jesus Christ, Madi.”

“I didn’t take any!” She said quickly. “Please, you have to believe me.”

“I believe you, but that doesn’t explain everything.” He said. “Clarke, we need to get the hell out of here.”

Clarke’s jaw was tight at the sight of drugs.

“Mom, they’re not mine. I swear.” Madi tried again.

“Becca, are you okay to drive yourself home?” Clarke asked, ignoring Madi.

Becca nodded. “I didn’t drink anything. I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Clarke said calmly. “Thank you for calling me.”

Becca just nodded again, not saying a word.

Madi followed close to Murphy, not exactly feeling the safest at the moment. She knew he was mad, but he’d still protect her if she needed it.

Murphy knew she was scared. He felt her trembling and her arms were crossed over her chest, the dress she was wearing showing more than she now felt comfortable with. He took his overshirt off and put it on her, then put a hand on her back, walking with her, glaring at anyone that tried to even glance their direction.

“You’re okay, kid.” He told her. “No one’s gonna touch you.”

She let out a little breath and nodded, relieved by his words. When they got to the the truck, Murphy opened the back door and helped her in. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked. As angry as he was, he was also worried.

Madi nodded. “I just wanna go home.”

Murphy shut the door and then he turned to Clarke. She was still holding it together, but her hands were shaking.

“I’ll drive, okay?” He told her.

Clarke closed her eyes, but nodded and handed him the keys.

“Let’s just get home, and we’ll deal with everything there.” Murphy said, opening the door for her.

She climbed in and took a deep breath. When Murphy got in, he put it in drive immediately and took off, ready to be as far away from this party as possible.

“What are they?” Clarke asked quietly, referring to the drugs.

“I don’t know.” Madi sniffed. “He didn’t tell me.”

“Murphy?” Clarke asked. Because she knew he looked at them and he probably had a good idea.

“Clarke, it doesn’t matter.” He tried. “She didn’t take any and she wasn’t going to. So we just flush it down the toilet when we get home.”

“Murphy, _what is it?_” Clarke asked firmer.

He sighed and shook his head. “...it looks like angel dust.”

She leaned her head back, blinking back tears and Madi stayed quiet in the back.

“She didn’t take any, Clarke.” Murphy wasn’t saying that to defend Madi, because he was pissed off about that whole situation, he was saying it in hopes to keep Clarke calm. This whole thing had the potential to send her somewhere she hadn’t been in a long time and without Bellamy around to stop it...

“I need you stay _here_, okay.” Murphy said and Clarke would know what he meant. Stay in reality. Don’t go back in time. Stay. Here. “You’re fine, Clarke.” He said gently.

She nodded and took a deep breath.

“Uncle Murphy, what’s going on?” Madi asked worried, still shaking from before.

“Madi, just sit back there and wait until we’re home.” He said. “Please.”

She sat back with a shaky sigh and crossed her arms, trying to calm down.

“Clarke?” Murphy tried again.

“I’m okay.” She whispered through closed eyes.

“Do you need me to call Bellamy?” Murphy asked, not sure he believed her.

“No, it’s... I’m okay.” She said stronger.

“Text him and tell him he needs to come home.” Murphy said.

She took a deep breath and nodded, pulling out her phone.

“Wait! Please, don’t tell dad. Uncle Murphy, listen. I didn’t-”

“We’re not telling your dad.” He cut her off. _“You are.”_

“Nothing happened!” She tried.

“Nothing happened?” He asked angrily. “Is that why I just beat the shit out of a 17 year old kid? Because _nothing happened_?” He was going to lose his cool.

“He wasn’t going to do anything.” Even as the words came out of her own mouth, she didn’t believe them. That boy had every intention of hurting her.

“You have no _idea_ what he would’ve done!” Murphy couldn’t help but raise his voice.

Clarke had kept herself in reality and she was listening to what Madi was saying intently.

“Neither do you!”

“He does know, Madi.” Clarke said, trying to keep her voice steady. “Just like you do. That’s why you were afraid.”

“I never said I was afraid.” Madi defended.

“You didn’t have to.” Clarke said calmly.

They pulled up to the house and Madi tried to make a beeline for her room, but Clarke stopped her. “Where are you going?”

“To my room. Just leave me alone.” Madi snapped.

“The hell you are.” Clarke’s anger started to flare. “Get down here.”

Murphy walked up to Raven and nodded his head towards the door. “Take him to our place.” He said looking at Wyatt. “This isn’t gonna be good.”

“Is she okay?” Raven asked.

“Ask me after Bellamy gets home.” He said.

Raven made a face and nodded, ushering Wyatt out the door.

“What, mom?” Madi raised her arms dramatically before letting them fall back down.

“Madi, what happened? What were you thinking?” Clarke asked, strangely calm, but a hint of sadness in her voice.

“I don’t know!” Madi went on defense immediately. “It’s not like I meant for it to happen. I didn’t even take the drugs, so what’s the big deal?”

“I’m just trying to talk to you, Madi.” Clarke said. “This isn’t even _about_ the drugs. Do you know the position you put yourself in? He could’ve hurt you. Just talk to me.”

“I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you, okay! That Chase isn’t perfect like dad!” She shouldn’t be yelling. There was no reason for it.

“Oh he’s not even in the same _universe_ as your dad.” Clarke said, losing a bit of her patience.

“Not everyone can have what you and dad have!” Madi yelled. “You have no idea what it’s like to be with someone who isn’t perfect. All he did was grab me!”

“He had you pinned against a wall!” Clarke finally yelled back. “He had every intention of raping you! _Why_ are you defending him?”

She had no idea why she was defending him. Heat of the moment maybe? Not wanting to admit she was wrong? Either way she knew it was stupid. She just couldn’t seem to shut up.

“Stop acting like you know what it’s like when you don’t!” Madi yelled.

“Hey, do you have any idea what your mom-“

“Murphy, no.” Clarke cut him off in a small voice.

“What? You’re just gonna let her talk to you like that?” He asked angrily.

Clarke took a deep breath, trying to approach this situation in a calmer manner. “Madi, you will never see him again. That isn’t up for debate.”

Madi stayed silent. She never wanted to see him again anyway.

“And if I ever catch you with drugs again, taken them or not, you won’t see the outside of this house until you’re 30.” Clarke said firmly.

“God, why are you being so fucking dramatic?!” Madi continued to yell and Bellamy walked through the door that same moment.

“Whoa. I don’t think so.” He stopped her with a firm tone immediately. “You don’t get to talk to anyone in this house that way. Especially your mom.”

Madi slammed her mouth shut. She knew she was in trouble now.

“Thank you.” Murphy muttered.

“What the hell is going on here?” Bellamy asked, looking around at the three of them.

Clarke tossed the bag of pills on the table without a word and Bellamy’s heart sank.

“What are those?” He asked.

“PCP.” Murphy answered.

“You better tell me those aren’t yours, Madi.” He pressed out in a low voice. A voice that could either soothe her nightmares or make her wish she was invisible. Right now it was the later.

“They’re not.” Madi tried. “I- I was just holding them, I swear.”

“For who?” Bellamy asked.

Madi looked down, not willing to answer.

“For _who_, Madi?” His voice boomed.

“It was Chase, okay?” She started crying.

“Are you serious right now?” He asked, his anger building.

“Everyone was passing them around. I didn’t even know what they were! Dad, you have to believe me!” She pleaded.

“What I _believe_ is that my daughter went to a party with a boy that cheated on her and got caught with his drugs!” He answered. “Did you take any?”

“I- no. I didn’t take any.” She told him.

“Christ, Madi.” Bellamy shook his head.

“She’s not done telling you what happened.” Clarke said, her voice strangely void of emotion.

Madi looked down again. “Mom, _please_ don’t.”

Her voice was different now. No longer yelling because she didn’t want her dad to know. Clarke was generally the more forgiving one when she got in trouble. And she was scared of what he’d do if she told him.

“If you don’t, I will.” Clarke said, not backing down.

Madi wiped her tears and lifted up the sleeve of Murphy’s shirt slowly, revealing the bruises Chase had left on her arm.

Bellamy hadn’t felt anger like that run through him in a long time. “Where is he?” He growled and looked at Murphy.

“No, dad! Please!” Madi shouted. “Uncle Murphy almost killed him! Please just leave him alone! You’ll get in trouble!”

At this point, Madi couldn’t actually care less about Chase, but she didn’t want them going to jail.

“She’s right, Bell. I could already get in some serious shit as it is.” Murphy tried to say calmly. “He’s pretty fucked up.”

“Mom’s being way too dramatic! Nothing happened!” Madi tried.

“Oh, you haven’t seen dramatic.” Clarke said. “If Becca hadn’t called when she did, who knows what could’ve happened! He could’ve raped you, Madi! He had you pinned against the wall. You’re smarter than this!”

“No, mom! _You_ are!” Madi went back to yelling. She was just in hysterics at this point. No idea why she was fighting this so hard when she knew she’d fucked up. “I’m sorry if you never made any mistakes, okay? But I did! And I _didn't _get raped, did I?”

“But you _could_ have.” Clarke argued. “And if you took those pills, you have no idea how you would’ve reacted because you didn’t even know what they were! It could’ve killed you!”

“Jesus, mom! I didn’t take any! I’m fine!”

“You’re not fine!” Clarke yelled. “_This_ is not fine.” She picked the pills up and slammed them into the trash can. “Whether you took them or not, they were in _your_ hands. You went there looking for him. You put yourself into a situation where you could’ve been hurt! Why are you acting like you can’t see what’s wrong here?”

“Why are you acting insane?!”

“Enough, Madi!” Bellamy yelled, silencing them both. His jaw worked a few times and he finally looked back at Madi. “Go to your room.” He said lowly.

Madi looked like she wanted to keep arguing, but she knew better. So she turned and ran upstairs, slamming her bedroom door shut. 

Clarke closed her eyes at the sound of it vibrating through the house.

“Tell me I’m not overreacting.” She whispered.

“You’re not overreacting.” Bellamy said quickly.

“No. In fact, you’re not reacting enough.” Murphy said, pulling out an ice pack for his bruised fists.

“He better look like he went 3 rounds with a fucking bull.” Bellamy told him dangerously.

“Oh, he does.” Murphy assured. “After Clarke gave him a solid kick in the balls, I beat the hell out him.”

Bellamy supposed that would have to be good enough. He looked over at Clarke, who still had her eyes closed and her hands braced against the island counter to keep from shaking. He knew that look. She was on the verge of breaking and it had been a long time since she was at that point. He walked over and put his hand on her back and she finally let out the sob she’d been holding in since she got the call from Becca.

“She was holding angel dust in her hands, Bell. And he hurt her.” She cried. Bellamy’s chest tightened. He knew she was reliving the past and dreading it for Madi. He had to put his own emotions to the side for now and be there for her.

“C’mere, princess.” He pulled her into his chest and she grasped at his shirt. “Hey, she’s alright, baby. It’ll be okay.”

Murphy kept his gaze on his fists, now pretending like he wasn’t there. Clarke had done a damn good job keeping it together in his opinion. Madi had no idea what this could’ve done to Clarke. He felt a pang in his heart watching them, remembering parts of their younger days that weren’t so easy.

Bellamy held her while she cried, his heart breaking for several different reasons. He ran his hand up and down her back and kissed her head. “I’ll talk to her.” He said softly.

Clarke pulled back a little and wiped her tears. “I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I’m just so-“

“Hey, it’s okay.” Bellamy said again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t home.”

Clarke shook her head. “It was like- like we were there again.”

She didn’t need to clarify for him to know what she was talking about, he already knew. And Murphy felt the same way.

“And when Murphy busted the door open and he had her against the wall and she was crying, I-“ she let out a soft sob and Bellamy felt his heart clench.

“I know.” He did his best to keep his voice soothing and calm, even though his anger was boiling up. He put his hand on her cheek and waited until she looked at him. “I’ll take care of it, okay.” He said softly. “You did everything right and you got her out of there.”

“I feel like I fucked up.” She told him. “I should’ve seen this coming and I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

“You know that’s not true. You reacted like a scared mom that doesn’t want to see their daughter hurt... _You_ are amazing.” He said strongly. “You kept it together in the face of all that shit, so don’t bring yourself down.”

She let out a shaky breath and nodded. He kissed her head one more time and then took her hand. “I’m gonna give her some time to cool down. Let’s go get you cleaned up.” He said pulling her gently towards the stairs.

He helped her in the shower and she started crying again, the memories too much for her and the reality of what could’ve happened to Madi hitting her even harder.

He just held her, because that’s all he could do. He hated that this was happening. That she had to relive the hardest parts of her past and reimagine them with Madi. She held onto him until the water ran cold and he shut it off, picking her up and wrapping her in a towel. Eventually her tears slowed and she let out a soft sigh.

“Hey.” He lifted her chin gently. “We'll work this out. We’ll get through it, just like we always do.”

His voice was steady and confident. How could it not ease her mind a little when he talked like that? She nodded and rested her forehead on his for a moment. “I think I’m gonna go sit outside for a bit... while you talk to her.”

“I’ll be down in a little while.” He told her with a soft kiss.

She pulled her clothes on and headed downstairs.

Bellamy watched her go and let out a sigh before walking to Madi’s room and pausing at her door. He had hoped that he’d never have to have this talk with her. Hoped that he’d never have to really explain to her how unfair and awful this world could be sometimes. But after tonight, she needed to hear it.

He knocked on her door, not waiting to walk in.

“Are you here to yell at me?” Madi asked.

“No, I’m not here to yell at you.” He said walking in and sitting next to her on the bed. “I wanna know what you were thinking though.” He said slowly.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I was thinking that I wanted him to like me and forget about all the other girls. I was wondering why I wasn’t enough. I was thinking that everyone was taking the pills and it wasn’t hurting anyone, so I don’t know. When he handed them to me, I just held them. And I know that sounds stupid, but...” she trailed off, unsure of what she was supposed to say next.

Bellamy made a face. “Do you remember how my mom died?”

Madi’s guilt hit her hard at that question. She did remember, but she hadn’t thought about it until right now. She swallowed before answering. “She overdosed.” She whispered.

“She did.” He nodded.

“Dad, I’m sorry.” She said quickly. “I didn’t even think about it. But I didn’t take any. I-”

“Your mom is the one you should be apologizing to.” He cut her off. “You know she’s not perfect, right?

“Says the man that looks at her like she’s the sun.” Madi rolled her eyes.

“That’s how you should be looked at too, you know?”

That made her go quiet, looking down at her hands. That’s how she wanted to be looked at.

“You see how I treat your mom. How Uncle Murphy treats Auntie Raven. And Uncle Lincoln treats Auntie O. You should never accept anything less than that for yourself.” He said gently but still firm. “Why would you think that you should?”

Mai shrugged. “I thought I liked him.” She said quietly.

“And now?”

“Now I think he’s an douche bag.”

“So your mom was right?” He asked, knowing the answer.

“Yeah, but mom doesn’t get it. She’s never had to deal with this stuff. She’s got _you_.” Madi said. “And she was freaking out like he hit me or something.”

“He left _bruises_ on you, Madi.” Bellamy shook his head. “Your mom went through hell when she was your age and she doesn’t want you going through the same.”

“Right.” She said sarcastically. “I’m sure meeting the love of her life at 16 was really hard.”

Bellamy sighed. This was a hard story to recount. Even harder telling it to their daughter, but it was something she needed to know. She needed to know that her mom was just trying to save her from heartache and pain.

“Madi,” his voice already caught, all the memories of their younger days rushing back to him. They were hard. They were sad and they were happy. Horrible and wonderful. Ugly and beautiful.

He swallowed his emotions down as best as he could, but his eyes still got glassy. How did he even start this story? “Your mom has been through more than she ever lets on... and she is the single strongest person that I have ever known.”

That caught her attention. She faced him, sitting cross legged on her bed, waiting for him to continue.

“She was abused, Madi.” He pressed out. There was no other way to say it. “And I don’t mean a couple bruises on her arm.”

Madi ran a hand self consciously down her arm where her bruises were hiding. “Dad...” She whispered, no longer sure she wanted to hear this story.

“Just listen.” He said gently. “Do you remember what we told you about her dad?”

“Grandpa Jake? He went missing.” She said hesitantly. “Him and grandma Abby, right?”

Bellamy nodded and took a deep breath. “But that’s not entirely the truth... Your grandparents weren’t good people. Your mom moved in here when she was 17, because her father was hurting her and because her mother kicked her out.”

Madi blinked a few times, taking in that information.

“He’d hit her, he fractured her ribs, he threw her against cabinets, kicked her... and eventually he tried to rape her.” Bellamy continued, his voice thick. “He told her she was useless and that no one was ever going to love her.”

Madi shook her head and covered her mouth, tears filling her eyes.

Bellamy had to push his own back. “And it was hard for her.” He took a shaky breath. “Even after she moved in here. Because she believed him. For a long time she didn’t think she was worth being loved. She...” his voice cracked and he shook his head. “She hurt herself, she drank... And one night my mom came for a visit...” he took a deep breath. He hadn’t thought about this in a long time. “While she was here, she gave your mom enough drugs to kill herself.”

“Did she take any?” Madi asked tearfully, her heart beating fast.

“No...” he cleared his throat. “I found her before she could and washed them down the drain. I kicked my mom out and that was the last time I saw her alive.” He shook his head at the memory. “Then a few nights later, your mom and your aunts went to a party. A party that I _knew_ she shouldn’t have gone to. Her father called her while she was there, threatening her and she didn’t take it well. So she got drunk... ended up taking a pill... angel dust.”

Madi closed her eyes. God, she was feeling worse by the second.

“Your Auntie O called me, scared out of her mind. And me and Uncle Murphy came to get her. There was some shithead kid there that had always treated her like shit, following her around...”

“Dad, you don’t have to tell me. Please.” Madi tried shakily.

“She scared the hell out of me that night...” he continued anyway. “I loved her and... I thought I was gonna lose her. I had no idea what I was doing, just that I had to do _something_. And by some miracle, I talked her into coming home...”

Bellamy trailed off for a moment, trying not to get lost in his own memories. She’d told him that she loved him that night. And he’d said it back the next morning. It was one of the most heartbreaking, but most wonderful moments of his life. He shook his head clear and continued.

“Then a boy at school cornered her in the bathroom and stuck his hand up her shirt... he tried to rape her too. He hit her. She pushed him away and she ran 5 blocks through the freezing snow to Uncle Murphy’s bar so she could get to me.” Bellamy sighed again and fought back tears, remembering for the first time in a long time all the things that Clarke had been through.

“What’d you do to him?” Madi asked. Because she knew her dad would never let someone get away with that.

Bellamy made a face before answering, not sure if he should tell her, but she’d hear a lot worse soon. “Your mom begged me not to go kill him and your Uncle Murphy was actually the one that helped talk me down, but... when the school didn’t want to hear what he did... when they called your mom a _liar_, I got pissed off. I pointed a knife to his stomach, shoved him against a car and I told him if he ever touched anyone like that again, I’d kill him.”

Madi listened carefully. She had no doubt that what he was saying was true.

“After that went through the court and got your mom emancipated. Got her away from her father... And I loved her enough that eventually she believed that she was worth it. We built a family with Uncle Murphy and Aunt Raven, Auntie O... Then we found you and we loved you... we were happy. But her father came after her...” He decided to skip the part where Clarke had died in his arms. He didn’t think he could tell that story. “He sent two men after your mom to try and take her back to him.”

Bellamy had to swallow, taking another deep, calming breath, recalling the night he could’ve lost his whole family. “Your Uncle Murphy, Grandpa Kane and I left to go after him... we left you girls here alone and... and he was waiting for it. He held Auntie O and your mom at gun point and he killed Abby. Then he heard you crying inside the house.” Bellamy’s tears fell. He couldn’t help it. It was the first time he’d told this particular story to anyone and thinking of Clarke ready to give herself up that night felt like his heart was breaking all over again.

“Your mom gave in.” Bellamy rasped. “Said if... if he left you alone, she’d do anything he wanted. She wouldn’t fight him. She’d get in the car and go with him.”

Madi’s heart felt ready to shatter. She never could’ve imagined this story. _Her_ mom? The woman who stood steady as a rock and wouldn’t take shit from anyone? It didn’t feel real.

And she hated seeing her dad cry. She’d never seen it before. He was always strong, never wavering. But her mom was his weak spot and if something could break him, it’d be losing her. She’d never known her parents had gone through something like this.

“She never wanted you to go through what she did. And she was willing to die so you’d never have to.”

“Dad, she didn’t go, right?” Madi cried softly, begging for the story to not take an even darker turn. “Please, tell me she didn’t go.”

He sniffed and brushed a tear away. “Auntie Raven called me and I drove like hell back home. When I got here, he was holding the gun at Auntie O and making your mom take off her clothes... I yelled for Auntie O to drop and she did...” He could picture that scene like it was yesterday.

He could feel the rain pouring down around them and see the lightening crashing, hear the thunder booming, echoing across the sky. He could see Murphy with his hands raised in surrender, but blocking the door with his body, thinking about Raven and Madi inside. Clarke’s hands shaking as she went for the bottom of her shirt and Octavia’s body trembling with the gun pressed to her head. His heartbeat pounding in his ears.

“As soon as she was clear I shot.” He said, voice gravely. “And I shot until my gun was empty.”

“You killed him?” She whispered.

“I killed him.” Bellamy confirmed. “I was never gonna let him touch her again. And I was never gonna let him touch _you_.”

Telling his daughter that he’d murdered someone wasn’t something he’d ever planned on, but she needed to know what happened. She needed to understand it. “Madi, _nobody_ should ever touch you like that, ever.” He said, voice still shaking. “You understand that?”

Madi knew she’d been spared any real graphic details of the story- knew some were probably being left out completely and it was still breaking her. But she nodded in answer to his question.

“I didn’t know.” She cried weakly, because she knew that was no excuse. “I’m so sorry, dad.” She flung herself into his arms and he held her tightly, trying to stop his own tears. “I swear I’ll never do anything like that again.”

God, he hoped that was true. His heart couldn’t take watching her be like that and he’d end up killing Chase if he ever laid a hand on her again.

“I know, princess.” He soothed. “It’s okay.”

She cried for a while and he just held her, finally getting control of himself and rubbing her back while she calmed down. She was feeling worse than she ever had. She hated that she’d disappointed them. That she’d scared the hell out of her mom.

“Mom was right.” She admitted into his chest. “Chase, he- he scared me. He hurt me and I panicked. I didn’t fight him.”

“All I can say is he’s lucky your uncle Murphy got to him before I did.” Bellamy said lowly.

“I don’t think he’s feeling very lucky right now.” Madi tried to say lightly, pulling back to look at him. 

He gave her a small smile. “I’ll bet he doesn’t.” Bellamy didn’t doubt Murphy had roughed the kid up pretty good.

“Why didn’t mom ever tell me?” She asked, letting her head rest back on his chest.

Bellamy let out a soft sigh. “Your mom is so damn strong, Madi. And she didn’t want you to see it... it hurts her still sometimes, even now. She has bad days every now and then. And when she does, she needs someone.”

“She needs _you_.” Madi said, already knowing.

She felt him nod, his beard tickling the top of her head. “She wanted to protect you from ever knowing. She’d do anything to keep you safe... she survived more than anyone should ever have to. But she’s a survivor. A _fighter_. And she overcame every single thing life threw her way.”

“God, I was so awful to her tonight.” Madi chastised herself.

“Yeah, you were.” Bellamy agreed, not willing to sugar coat it for her.

“I really am sorry.” She whispered into his chest.

“I know.” He soothed softly. “She’s out on the back porch if you wanna talk to her.”

Madi nodded and sat up. “I love you, dad.” She said.

“I love you too, princess.” He kissed the top of her head and she went down the stairs to find Clarke.

Murphy walked in after Madi walked out and looked at Bellamy. He knew he probably looked like he was a mess. He felt like a mess. 

“You told her?” He asked.

Bellamy just nodded.

“Good.” He said. “She needed to hear it. Clarke deserves a hell of a lot more respect than she got tonight.”

And Bellamy couldn’t agree with that more.

Murphy came and sat next to him. “You alright?”

Bellamy didn’t answer at first, biting the inside of his cheek. “I haven’t relived that shit in a long time and it’s just... still hard.” He answered after a moment. “But it makes me think of how far we’ve come and how lucky we are now.”

Murphy smiled. “Yeah. We did alright in the end.”

“We just had to go through hell to get here.” Bellamy said.

•

Madi peaked out of the glass door to see her mom on the porch, looking out over the land. The moon was full and their dog was laying peacefully next to her. She was on the ‘porch swing’ that Bellamy had made but it was more like a day bed, and she was covered with a blanket.

She looked like she’d been crying, but now she just swayed slightly on the swing, thinking to herself quietly.

Madi swallowed watching her. She had had no idea what her mom had been through, what she would’ve done to protect her. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve what had happened to her. 

Clarke let her yell and scream and tell her how she didn’t understand, but she _did _understand. Probably more than anyone else ever could and Madi had pushed her away instead of stopping and listening. She pushed away one of the people she needed the most and who was always there for her, no matter what she had done or how bad she messed up. Just like this time. Clarke had come to her rescue and now looking back at what she’d been through, Madi couldn’t believe she didn’t have more of an overreaction.

Finally she got the courage to open the door and walk outside.

“Mom?” Madi called softly, tears already filling her eyes again.

Clarke looked up at her and Madi felt all the guilt rush forward and her words got caught in her throat. So she walked forward and lifted the blanket, sliding in so she was laying on top of Clarke and burying her face into her chest.

“I’m so sorry, mom.” Madi cried softly. “I messed up.”

Clarke’s tears came rushing back and she put a hand on Madi’s head, kissing her hair. She held back a sob, forcing herself to take a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t have let him drag me into that room and I shouldn’t have held the pills for him.” Madi continued, clinging onto Clarke. “He scared me and I froze and I- I don’t what I would’ve done if you and Uncle Murphy hadn’t shown up.”

“It’s okay.” Clarke said gently. “I’m not mad, baby. I just don’t want you to get hurt... you scared me.”

“I love you so much.” Madi’s voice was muffled by her shirt, but Clarke heard.

“I love you too.” She whispered, wrapping her arms around her.

Madi didn’t say anything else. She just let herself cry and held onto her mom, wishing she could take away all the bad things that had happened to her.

Clarke pulled the blanket higher over Madi’s shoulders and rested her cheek on her head. This kind of reaction meant one thing, Bellamy had told her. 

She closed her eyes and tried not to imagine how hard it must’ve been for her to hear, or how hard it must’ve been for Bellamy to tell.

Madi’s tears slowed, but she just nestled further into Clarke. “Mom?” She whispered.

“Yeah, ladybug?” Clarke whispered back.

Madi sniffed and took a minute to answer. “Thank you.” She lifted her head up a little to look at her. “For protecting me.”

Clarke’s heart jumped, somehow knowing what she was talking about. She wasn’t talking about tonight, she was talking about the night Bellamy had probably just told her about. “It was my fault you needed protecting.”

Madi shook her head. “You know that’s not true.”

Clarke brushed Madi’s hair back and gave her a sad smile. Those were the words Bellamy would say when either of them would doubt themselves. She listened when they talked.

“I don’t ever want you hurt like that Madi.” Clarke whispered sadly. “I don’t ever want you to feel useless and terrified.”

Madi still had a few tears falling and that didn’t help. The fact that her mom, her beautiful, outwardly confident mom could ever have felt useless. “I know.” Madi responded quietly. “And I never want to. I’m sorry you ever felt like that.”

“It was a long time ago.” Clarke soothed.

“I still hate it.” Madi said quietly. “And Chase _did_ make me feel like shit... it’s just- I see you and dad, and... what if I never get that?”

“Oh, baby.” Clarke brushed her cheek. “There’s _so much_ time. Trust me, you’ll find someone perfect for you.”

Most people didn’t believe in perfect, but Madi had a different vision of that.

Perfect was the way her dad made her mom laugh even on the worst days and the way they kissed each other. It was the way that her mom would get up early every day to put on a pot of coffee for her dad and make sure that she ate breakfast before school. It was the way her dad still came to tell her goodnight and kiss her head every night. It was the way that her Uncle Lincoln would tease her and mess up her hair. It was way her Uncle Murphy would help her cheat when they all had family game nights and her Aunt Raven would pretend not to notice. It was how how her Aunt Octavia would sneak her a wine cooler when her parents weren’t looking. It was the way her grandpa kissed the top of her head every time he came over. It was their family dinners on Sunday. It was the way they’d all curl in front of the fire together on Christmas Eve so they could all wake up together. It was the way that her dad looked at her mom like she made the world turn. It was all these little things that made her life so happy.

“Dad really loves you.” Madi said, like Clarke didn’t already know it.

But Clarke just smiled. “And I really love him. He taught me it’s okay to need someone. And he taught me that I deserve to be loved. That I don’t deserve someone who’ll hurt me... he saved me.”

“You really think I’ll find something that?” Madi whispered.

“Your Dad is one of a kind.” She smiled. “But I do... You’ll find them when you least expect it. And they’ll be exactly what you need, _when_ you need it.”

Madi laid her head back down and closed her eyes. “I love you.” She said again.

“I love you too.” Clarke responded softly.

Bellamy was leaned against the doorframe, smiling softly as he watched them. 

They both needed this. Madi needed Clarke more than she realized she did. In the last few months with the whole Chase thing, she’d retreated into herself while she should’ve been reaching out. But she’d convinced herself that she didn’t deserve anything more or that she wouldn’t find anything better. It was a silly thing to do considering she was 17, but that’s what 17 year olds did. They did things they shouldn’t and things that don’t make sense, but as long as they learned from those things, that was okay.

It was the first time they’d had a ‘real’ problem with Madi. She just needed a little reminder that she deserved more. That she deserved to be happy and that her family was always going to be there for her making sure she accepted no less. That you never settle and _never_ think of yourself as less than. And she needed to know the fighter her mom truly was. The survivor.

Madi had always respected both of her parents and she loved them more than anything. But now she saw her mom in a new light. A new respect. 

She had a new respect for her dad too. Clarke may have been willing to do anything to save Madi, but Bellamy was willing to do the same. For both of them. Madi had always felt safe growing up and she hadn’t meant to take that for granted. She knew that her family, her mom, dad, uncles, aunts, grandfather, all of them would lay down their lives for each other. And that was something that she’d never truly processed or appreciated before. But they had been through hell together. And if they had to do it all over again, they would.

She’d never felt luckier than she did right now. Her family was perfect, faults and all. And she got to be a part of it.

Bellamy walked up to the swing and Clarke smiled at him softly, then lifted up so he could slide in underneath her. She laid back into his chest, letting her body rest on him and he kissed her head.

“You’re both my world, you know that?” He asked softly.

“We know.” Madi whispered gratefully.

Clarke leaned her head up, pressing it against his cheek. “Thank you.” She whispered to him.

“You have nothing to thank me for, princess.” He kissed her head again. “I love you.”

Madi smiled into Clarke’s chest. Watching her parents love for each other right now, she couldn’t even imagine what she was thinking with Chase. But it didn’t matter anymore.

Because _this_ was what she wanted. She wanted her mom, dad and her dog on a day bed porch swing, curled up underneath the stars. And one day she wanted a love just like theirs. But until she found that... this... _this_ was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to thank you guys again. You’re all amazing and beautiful. I hope you love it. I’ve got two stories in the making and one more in my head. That being said, I love getting prompts and ideas so feel free to send them my way. I can only hope to write something you guys love as much, if not more than this. Everyone be well and safe and thank you again 💙💙


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